


Redemption

by escherlat



Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/F, Multi, Post-Canon, yes a character dies but she gets better!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2020-10-11 03:03:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 40
Words: 287,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20539076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/escherlat/pseuds/escherlat
Summary: For Photography student Max Caulfield, every day is new and filled with wonder and mystery. That changes when she meets new people, only for them to disappear. Why can't she make friends? And why can't she remember anything that happened yesterday?





	1. I Am Max Caulfield

“My name is Max Caulfield.

I am 21 years old.

I am a 3rd year photography student.

My parents are Ryan and Vanessa Caulfield of Seattle.”

Lies. Well, not exactly lies but close enough. The words I say are like wearing a strangers clothes and claiming them for your own.

I look at myself in the mirror as I repeat my morning reminders. It’s the only way for them to really sink in. Tomorrow morning when I wake up, I’ll do it again. Some days I have to repeat them a dozen times or more.

The reminders are typed on cards taped to the wall around a full length mirror in my bedroom. Each one I read aloud, sometimes more than once, before moving to the other. There are ten in all.

The person who I see in the mirror is both familiar and a stranger. Freckles are scattered across pale skin. Crystal blue eyes that study everything with intent. Brown hair, straight, cut and styled in a way to easily care for.

My fingers trace the faint scar near my hair line. The scar is nearly gone. Doctor Smith says another few days or weeks and it will be gone completely.

Doctor Smith is my memory doctor. I can’t recall his exact speciality or title, but he’s here on campus and I see him once a week. He says my brain is doing fine and my memory is slowly improving.

It’s so weird, telling myself these things each morning. Things I don’t remember. At the same time there are things that come naturally to me without need of reminder.

A smile crosses my face as I recall the first time I tied my shoes. It looked so complex, yet my hands did it without effort or mistake. It was that way with a lot of things, especially muscle memory related. Why I recall some recent events but not others, I don’t know.

With my reminders done, I move to the next step of my morning: breakfast. I leave my bedroom and walk down the short hall into the rest of my apartment. My hand traces along the wall as I walk. The apartment is small, but perfect for me. A combination living room kitchen with enough furniture to make it cozy, without making it cramped.

Breakfast is easy! It’s always cold cereal and a cup of coffee. I keep to a routine, thankfully not exactly timed. Doing the same things every morning, and every night, helps.

I shudder as I recall the day I decided to change my routine, and milk splatters onto the table. “Shit,” I say, and set down the milk. Grabbing a paper towel, I wipe up the milk then continue pouring.

The day I changed my routine, panic set in within moments. It drove me from my apartment in terror, gibbering nonsense. Medical personnel found me huddled in a dark corner somewhere. No. I need my routine.

After breakfast, I wash my bowl and spoon, then go to the bathroom. Use the toilet if needed. Brush my teeth. Wash my hands, sometimes twice. Wash my face. Double check my alert necklace is on. If I’m panicking or feel disoriented, I can press the button on it to summon help, no matter where I’m at. They gave it to me after that episode.

I exit the bathroom and double check my backpack. Yes, everything I need for today is in it. The last step is preparing a coffee to go, then it’s backpack on and out the door.

My apartment is a five minute walk from the campus. I’m not sure how I’m paying for the apartment, let alone my food and bills. All I know is none of my bills ever go unpaid. My bank account, while not outstanding, always has a little money in it. My schooling is handled by a freeride scholarship. I don’t recall getting it, nor how I got it. But I don’t question it.

The apartment is above a garage tucked away behind someone’s house. I’ve never met the landlord, at least that I can recall. Trees line the yard, giving it a hidden feel. I step outside and draw a deep breath of the fresh morning air. The scents of water and pines mingle into a pleasing aroma. I walk down the stairs into a morning thick with dew. The driveway is dark with it and I can feel the water in the air.

Each time I walk to campus I discover something old that is new to me. Cute little animals, flowers and plants, weather, all sorts of things whose name I know like I don’t know my own.

There’s a part of me unsettled by all of this. How do I know all these things, but I don’t know who I am?

My first class is English Comp, apparently something I managed to skip my first year. That’s another weird thing. I don’t recall my first two years of schooling, but the things I learned are in my mind, ready to be unlocked by assignments and tests.

I walk across the wide expanse of lawn that separates the campus from town. My shoes scatter dew drops, which sometimes make tiny rainbows. Those draw my eye and I pull out my phone and begin recording. One of the apps on my phone lets me extract frames from the video into stills. It’s tedious, but easier than trying to capture the rainbows with the camera.

Someone calls my name and I look up. One of Doctor Smith’s assistants is walking toward me. Today it’s Doctor Iturralde. She’s one of the nice project team members, treating me like a real person instead of a test subject.

She’s in her late twenties, and carries herself with an infectious energy. Her curly hair is short and dyed a bright orange. To my eyes it’s a great contrast against her brown skin. She told me once that she’s from the Dominican Republic. Her parents moved here when she was 8 or 10. When she returns home to visit family, they give her a hard time because she doesn’t straighten her hair. She told me that with a laugh when I commented on how I adored her curly hair.

“Hi Max,” she says with a pleasant smile. Her smile always makes something flutter inside me and I can’t help but respond with a smile of my own. I nervously tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and try not to look at her, but I can’t help it.

“Hi Doctor Iturralde,” I answer.

“How do you feel this morning.”

“The same as most mornings.” We start walking again as we speak.

She pauses before the next question. “How’d it go with your reminders this morning?”

That’s not the question she’s supposed to ask, but is an easy example of how she’s different. There’s a series of questions to ask, very methodical and cold. She asks them like a friend would, not a scientist studying a project.

Because that’s what I am. I don’t know the details of the project, but it’s something I volunteered for. They know why I volunteered, but won’t share the reasons. It would contaminate the study, or something like that. Or at least that’s what I’m told. The project is the reason I have a nice apartment and all my bills paid for. I do wonder at times why I even know I’m in a project. Wouldn’t that knowledge also contaminate the results?

“The same as other days,” I reply with a sigh and adjust my pack.

“I’m sorry.” Her words are so soft I barely hear them. Maybe I’m not supposed to hear them? The other assistants in the project certainly don’t seem sorry. They nod, make notes on their tablets, and move on to the next question. None of them respond to any emotion I put in my answers, nor in my body language. None, except for her.

“Did you have a good night’s sleep?”

The real question is: did I have any dreams or nightmares? To which I say, “Yes, no dreams. I went to bed at 10 and woke up at 6.” I wake up early most mornings because my routine takes several hours.

We continue like this as we walk to the building with my first class. The morning is sunny and bright, though a few clouds lurk. The air is pleasant, cool enough that my hoodie is welcome. Its cloth is damp from the water in the air all around us.

I’m able to put in a few questions of my own as we walk. She won’t share details of the project, other than to say everything is going ok. Personal details she does share to a limited degree, which is how I know she has a fiancé. She proposed to him two months ago. That thought always kills the flutters I get from her looks.

She bids me a good day at the entrance to my class and leaves me with a smile that stays in my heart. There’s a part of me that wishes she wasn’t engaged. I watch her walk away until she disappears around a corner. With a shake of my head, I open the door and enter the class room.

Groups of people make me anxious. I try to get to each class early so I can get a seat in back. When I sit near the front, it’s all I can do to keep myself from bolting. All those eyes looking at me, poking at the secrets I don’t even know. And those creepy guys that I know are undressing me with their gaze! Ugh, those make me shudder!

From the back of the room I can observe everyone. The joking and gossip and other social activities of my peers are a mystery to me. How do they know how to do those things? Like, even know when to talk? Half the time when I do talk to someone, everything I do or say is compared against this great mental checklist before I do it. It’s so exhausting.

I have a routine for each class as well. Find a seat. Take my notepad (a paper one mind you), pencil case, and water bottle from the backpack and set them on the little table. Place my backpack on the right side of me, leaned against the chair leg.

I’m a straight mediocre student. My grades are good enough that I don’t fear being dropped from any class, but not enough to draw attention. That’s good I suppose. Attention on my academics is pressure that I don’t need. My blah grades add further mystery as to how I got a fullride scholarship. It predates the project, so that’s not an explanation.

The only exceptions are my photography classes. Those are where my highest grades are. I am proud of my 80s and low 90s!

Today is a short day with only three classes. After that, I need to work on a photography assignment. I learned early this semester that taking pictures of mundane things is a good way to have to redo an assignment. That was hard to learn because everything is a new discovery to me. Surely new discoveries deserve to be photographed!

Things others have seen thousands or millions of times often bring squeals of delight from me. More than once fellow students have rolled their eyes when I gush over ants walking in a line, or fish swimming in a tank. When I see new old things that spark my squee, I grab my camera and take picture after picture. But I don’t turn them in. Now I keep pictures of flowers, children’s toys, baby animals, and similar things to myself. My professors want something different.

Each class is a success, by which I mean no one notices me. A few students wave or smile when they see me, but teachers don’t ask me questions, and students don’t try to include me in their gossip. They leave me out of their banter and teasing. I’m only to happy to keep that status quo.

The three classes I have today are in buildings close together. I have no problem getting a chair near the back in any of them. Lectures are the order of the day with today’s classes, with an assignment at the end. I’m happy when all are over and I can return to the beautiful day outside.

My current photography assignment is more artsy than past ones, so a picture of something mundane might work. The topic is people. I set myself up in one of the quads. The dorms tower over the open area. There are plenty of trees, young and old, to give the impression of being in a forest of brick, stone, and wood. The ambience it creates appeals to the artist in me.

For the assignment, I’m using a camera instead of a cell phone. A professional model that must also be provided by the project. I can’t imagine my parents buying me something like this, let alone me having the money.

The thought sends a fleeting twinge of sadness through me. I don’t know remember my parents. From my reminders, I know their names and where they live. I don’t know if they are alive. _Do they miss me?_

I perch myself on one of the giant stone planters scattered throughout the quad. Fellow students are busy doing their own activities. Small groups sit on the ground, with books and papers spread about. Others are at the tables doing the same. Conversation and laughter form a chorus of everyday student life.

The afternoon sun has warmed the air, making my hoodie a little uncomfortable. It stays on though. No matter how warm I get, I need my hoodie!

With camera in hand, my eyes move from group to group. I take a lot of pictures. To me that’s one of the keys of photography: take lots of pictures. That ensures you’ll have the perfect picture, and it provides plenty of stock for use in other projects. Staged photos, like portraits, don’t need that same approach. But I don’t like them as much. There’s something artificial to me about portraits.

A group of students enters the quad opposite me and I move the camera in their direction. As I focus, I see her. A woman with an athletic build, with white skin, and a tattoo down one arm. She walks with confidence, a bag slung across one shoulder.

I focus on her, and zoom in to get her face. Framed in short blue hair that peeks out from her beanie, she’s perfect for my shot. I take plenty both of her face, and her entire person as she wanders the quad. The afternoon light glints off her piercings and I make sure to get plenty of shots with them. Her head turns back and forth, eyes scanning for something or someone.

At one point she looks in my direction and her blue eyes capture me. My heart flutters and my breath catches, just like it does for Doctor Iturralde! I slowly lower the camera and look at her unaided. Her eyes look in my direction and I see a hesitation in her step. Then she turns and leaves the quad, her pace quicker than when she entered.

I look around and behind me, but I’m the only one over here. It could only be me she saw. Pursing my lips, I raise my camera and return to my project.

Hunger lures me away from my work and I pack up. I’ve been in the quad for more than an hour and have hundreds of photos to review later. The blue haired woman is on my mind as I zip up my pack and slip my arms through the straps. _Why did she look at me then leave? Who is she? Why didn’t she come over? Does she know me?_ These questions and more fill my mind as I walk away.

There’s a small coffee shop off-campus and close to my apartment that I aim for. It’s a local shop, not a national chain, and they make their own sandwiches. I tried a sandwich at a national chain once and was immediately put off by it. Pop-tarts have more flavor, and they taste like cardboard!

With drink and sandwich in hand, I seat myself at a long table in the back. I’m far enough away that the hubbub of other patrons is a distant murmur. Once seated, I pull out my camera and laptop to start syncing the photos across. While that happens I dive into my sandwich.

“Hi, Max. Mind if I join you?”

The voice startles me and I look up. Doctor Iturralde stands a few feet away, a cup of coffe and tablet in hand. I wave at a seat opposite. “Sure,” I say, “I was working on an assignment and forgot what time it is.”

She nods knowingly and seats herself. “Oh, I remember that part of my school,” she says with a laugh. “For me, it hasn’t quite ended, though, and it’s a bit more monotonous now.” She sips her coffe then asks, “How was your day.”

I take a bite of my sandwich and keep an eye on the sync progress. _Twenty-five percent done, good_. I try to ignore how close she is and the way her smiles make me feel. Despite my memory loss, I know I’m crushing on her hard. The days she’s the researcher always seem my best days. That’s not objectively true of course, but her smile and wit toss objectivity aside in my heart.

“It went well.” For the next few minutes I fill her in on my classes. She’s the closest person I have to a friend. My nights are spent studying. My weekends are spent exploring the city for photo ops. A blah life for an unexciting person.

I’ve thought of getting a job to give me something to do. A job would mess up my routine though. And violate the terms of the project, or so I’m told.

When I reach the part with the blue haired woman, she gives me a curious look. It lasts only a moment, almost too quick for me to see. She’s been taking notes on her tablet and sets down her stylus.

She asks a few more questions, but doesn’t record my responses. Her hand plays with her now empty coffee cup, turning it on the table. The engagement ring on her finger reminds me to keep my boundaries and not act on the urges that course through my veins. Silence descends on us, interrupted by a ding as my photos finish syncing. I disconnect the camera and put it away.

Doctor Iturralde leans forward and says, “Does the phrase ‘all those moments between us were real, and they’ll always be ours’ mean anything to you?”

I consider the words for a few minutes, then shrug. “No. Should they? Are they from a book I read or movie I watched?” That’s the problem with memory loss. I highly recommend not getting it.

She leans back and fiddles with her stylus. After a moment or two her lips flatten into a line, she nods and jots something on her tablet. “We’re just about done. You’re making great progress on this project!”

“I’d be happy as you if I knew what the project was about,” I grumble.

“Sorry, Max,” she says, “you know the rules.”

“When will I have more information about the project?”

“You’ll need to ask Doctor Smith about that. You’ll see him this Saturday.”

Her words make me groan. I forgot about that appointment! I really hate this particular appointment. It involves stripping to my underwear, having things attached to my body, and getting into a pool with strange liquid. I suppress the shudder that thought causes. Yet, that thought will hang over me the next four days.

“You’re doing great, Max,” she repeats. Her hand reaches over as if to pat mine, but stops before it does. “Do you have any questions, that I can answer?”

With a shake of my head, I finish the rest of my sandwich. It no longer tastes like anything. “If all goes well Saturday,” she whispers, “you may be able to move to the next stage of the project. You can start socializing again.”

Fear and relief shoot through me at her words. For two months I’ve not been allowed to do anything with anyone. It was part of establishing a baseline, or at least that was the excuse. Oh, I could talk to Professors, fellow students, and staff but only about classwork and school. I was not allowed to form friendships.

That last part wasn’t too hard. Being an introverted, awkward person who couldn’t remember who she was without a reminder card did not set me up for being a popular person. The rules in this case presented no real hardship.

Yet, I know that I want a friend, maybe something or someone more. The feelings I get around Doctor Iturralde tell me that. Watching Netflix by myself only goes so far.

“Don’t let Doctor Smith know I told you that,” she whispers. I nod, quickly. A smile is on my face. I finally have something to look forward to!

The Doctor leaves after that and I stare at my empty wrapper and cup for a while. Friends. How does one go about making friends? Have I ever made friends before? I’m sure I had friends before whatever took away my memories. It seems so scary. It’s hard enough learning about myself, adding another stranger on top of that is intimidating.

After a few minutes, I close my laptop and slide it into my backpack. Slipping it onto my back, I gather my trash and put it in the bin on my way out. The sky threatens rain and I hurry to my apartment.

The rest of the day passes quickly. I review the hundreds of photos I took, selecting a few for my project. The photos of the blue haired women I save to their own folder. I can’t help looking at them while my new photos go to a cloud, whatever that is. My fingers brush the screen, touching the image of her. It’s the closest I’ve been to someone not part of the project that I can remember.

_Why did she look at me? Why did she leave after she saw me?_

Like my morning routine, my nightly routine is simple. Eat dinner at six. Wash the dish. Clean the apartment. Watch Netflix or play a video game (not multi-player, mind you). Change into pajamas. Brush teeth. Wash face. Use toilet. Wash hands (sometimes twice). Go to bed.

The pillow and blanket form a cozy nest that welcomes me with their embrace. I sink into their softness, for a moment wishing it was someone’s arms I was sinking into. Blue hair and eyes flash through my mind and I smile. It’s a little too soon for that, I don’t even know her name. I should at least speak to her first. Maybe I’ll see her tomorrow? That thought helps me slip into a blissful sleep.

* * *

Morning comes and my eyes open. _Where am I? Who am I?_ My eyes look around wildly a moment or two before noticing the very large paper attached to the ceiling. On it is written: **you are Max Caulfield. You are in bed. You have a rare form of amnesia. You are participating in a medical project to study the amnesia. Look to your left.**

My heart rate returns to normal and I sink into my pillow. For a few minutes I lay there, feeling the wonderful softness of my pillow and snuggliness of the blanket. When I finally do rise, I find other notes scattered throughout my bedroom. They guide me through getting ready for the day.

An hour or more later, I’m in front of my mirror, dressed, and repeating my last reminders. My clothes are a simple t-shirt and jeans. Is that what I wore yesterday? The outfit is simple and me, so maybe. As I repeat my reminders one more time, I smile at my reflection.

Instead of smiling in return, my reflection frowns and laughs maniacally. I stumble away from the mirror, my heart pounding, and fall across my bed. When I rise and cast fearful eyes on the mirror, my reflection is as it should be.

_What the hell?_


	2. Emergency Procedure

My hands clench and unclench on the sheet and blanket. Did I imagine that? One hand goes to my chest as it struggles to gain breath. Two months into the project and this is the first strange thing to happen. Of course, with the gaps in my memory I can’t trust that. It’s only the strangest thing that I can remember.

I struggle from my bed, my legs weak from fright. Slowly, I stretch out my hand and touch the mirror. Ordinary glass greets my touch. The mirror is attached to the wall with several clamps and I lack the tools to remove it.

With shaky hands, I go to a small chest that holds spare linens and towels. Taking a sheet, I return to the mirror and cover it, tucking the sheet behind the corners. That done, I step back and sit on the bed. With a deep breath I do a quick mental assessment. I’m no longer shaky and my heart has resumed its normal rhythm.

I rise from the bed and repeat some of my reminders until calmness fills me, then I leave my bedroom. Other cards with notes, instructions, and reminders, guide me through my apartment. My phone beeps and I pull it from my pocket. Another reminder is on screen informing me of my day’s schedule.

The oddity in the mirror sits in the back of my mind, but no longer has power over me. Breakfast is a simple matter of cereal and coffee. Is that what I have every day? As I eat I look at my past schedule in my phone. Yes, apparently I have cold cereal and coffee for breakfast every day. To my tongue, the cereal and coffee are new tastes that I delight in. Life is so strange.

Minutes later, I’m out the door. A backpack laden with books, laptop, and camera equipment is on my back. I marveled this morning as I checked the pack. Designed for cameras, it has padded sections that fit the camera, tripod, a laptop, and other equipment perfectly. There are places for books, paper, pens, and more. It’s a very nice pack and likely very expensive. When I slung it onto my back I expected it to weigh me down, especially with all of the equipment in it. It was a nice surprise to discover it was balanced very well. I barely feel its weight on me.

The weather is bright and cheery, with moisture everywhere. The driveway is dark from the dew and my hoodie sleeves become damp rapidly. I walk down the steps, across the drive and down the road. My phone guides me. A walking route is programmed to come up and show me how to reach my classes. I don’t know who did that, but I’d love to know so I can thank them!

At the edge of the large lawn that separates the campus from the town a person waits for me. A man, possibly in his thirties, wearing a white lab coat. He stands out rather comically amidst my fellow students that trudge across the lawn. I know his name and I don’t know why: Doctor Cole.

My mind tells me he’s not really a Doctor, more like a resident in training or something like that. I don’t know what the difference is, but I do know that if I don’t call him Doctor the next few minutes won’t go well for me. How do I know that?

“Morning Doctor Cole,” I say civilly. My mind also tells me I don’t like him and he makes me uncomfortable. He looks up from his tablet and scans me with his eyes. A look passes over him as he does this, a look I can only describe as lecherous. I shudder involuntarily.

“Good morning Ms. Caulfield,” he says professionally. The look was brief and quickly replaced by a stony face. He launches into a series of questions about my sleep, memories, and more. I move to walk as we talk, but he holds out his hand. I shrink back, something telling me not to let him touch me.

I know I should tell him about the incident with the mirror, but he makes me so uncomfortable I can’t bring myself to speak about it with him. He’ll ask more questions and may want to do other things. The less time I spend with him, the better. My ordeal with Doctor Cole lasts fifteen minutes and then I’m on my way again. An itch flairs in my back as I move away; I’m sure his eyes are watching me, and not in a scientific way. It’s all I can do to not run!

As I step onto the asphalt on the other side of the lawn, I let out a long breath. My body and mind are both drained, like I just ran a marathon, not walked 50 yards. I’m already aching to be in my snuggly bed, wrapped in its covers and falling asleep. I push Doctor Cole from my mind and hurry to my first class.

Today I have a long break between my morning and afternoon classes. Thoughts of Philosophy and Photography, my two morning classes, replaced those of Doctor Creep Cole. And that’s a tremendous relief! Right now I’m away from most students eating lunch near a thick stand of trees. The way the sun shines through them captures my attention and I begin setting up my camera to take some pictures.

I’m bent over my camera, looking through the view finder to find the perfect angle, when a shadow falls over me. I jerk upright immediately, my mind thinking Doctor Cole has found me again. Instead of Doctor Cole, a woman stands near me. My breathing evens out and my heart gradually slows when I realize it’s someone else.

“Hi,” she says.

“Hi,” I say, and stand there not sure what I should do. My fingers fiddle with my zipper pull.

She looks at me, her blue eyes studying my face. A faint smile tugs the corners of her mouth. “So, you’re a photographer, huh?”

“Yeah,” I reply. My hands move to fiddling with the hem of my hoodie, wondering where this conversation is going.

“I saw you yesterday in one of the quads,” she continues, “taking pictures.”

“Oh.” That’s already a missing memory. I’m sure I have the photos stashed on my laptop to confirm if I need to. My hands begin jerking at the hem. She remembers me, but I don’t remember her. What do I do! My throat begins tightening and I have to force out the next words. “Were you there?”

The faint smile becomes a real one at my words and I flinch. Duh! She already said she was there! The smile is sweet, though, not mocking, and she says, “Yeah, I was there.” She gestures at the camera, “are you taking more pictures?”

I nod. My throat is tight from my embarrassment and I don’t want to speak. “Mind if I watch,” she asks, “I won’t ask any questions or disturb you.”

My body shifts from leg to leg, uncertain at this sudden intrusion. She seems relaxed, one hand hooked into a beltloop, the other holding the strap of the backpack slung over one shoulder. Light blue hair pokes from her beanie and frames her face. A desire to take her picture grabs me and won’t let go.

“S-sure,” I stammer and nervously tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. Her smile broadens and takes my breath away.

With my heart hammering in my ears, I stoop and grab my camera. “D-do you mind if I t-take you picture,” I ask. My tongue refuses to work, stumbling all over itself. “Your picture,” I correct myself.

She sets her backpack next to mine. “Sure,” she answers and looks around, “where do you want me?”

_In my arms_. Where did that thought come from? Sweat trickles down the back of my neck. It’s all I can do to stay standing.

The loose fitting t-shirt she wears have the sleeves and neck cut out, giving her extra movement. Some kind of symbol I don’t recognize, it looks like a bird skull with other markings, is on the shirt. She has both hands in the pockets of her black skinny jeans. I jerk my eyes up to her face, my own cheeks burning. _Was I checking her out? Is that ok?_ My eyes won’t meet hers as I try to corral my speeding thoughts.

The pleasant smile is still on her face. “Where do you want me,” she repeats. “In your arms is an acceptable answer.”

Oh my! My eyes fall to my camera, held in my fidgeting hands. “Um, over there by the trees,” I say, my voice low and tight. It takes me several moments to realize what she said. The sounds of the world around us fade away, overwhelmed by the pounding in my ears.

_Breathe, Max! Breathe! It’s just a picture. You’ve taken thousands of pictures. I think. You can do this!_

I follow my own counsel and take several deep breaths. The hammering of my heart slowly fades into a regular pace and I can hear again. My voice is steadier as I give her some instructions. She does her best to follow them, but after a few moments I go up to her. There’s a sly smile on her face as I use one of my hands to position her.

Her arm is both soft and firm. My fingers burn when they touch her, her skin feeling much hotter than it should. The burning sensation persists after I stop touching her. “There,” I say and back away, not wanting her to see how uncomfortable I am.

A part of me wants to touch her again and it’s so confusing. My fingers remember the feel of her and I don’t want to touch the camera. It’s as if touching the camera will steal the memory of her from my fingers. Nonetheless, I hold the camera with both hands and take several pictures. That done, I let the camera hang from my neck and stare at her not knowing what to do or say.

“Thanks,” she says as she comes closer. “Are you studying photography here?”

I nod. My hands are busy with the camera strap and my legs seriously want to run. “Cool. I’m studying Computer Science. Mind if I join you for lunch?”

Again, I nod. _So conversational, Max! _She seats herself crosslegged by her backpack. It’s only then I realize there’s a skateboard attached to her pack.

I seat myself on the grass, carefully making sure I’m neither too close nor too far. I’m nowhere near as comfortable as her. “Do you ride skateboard,” I say with a wince. I’m so bad at this.

She doesn’t seem to notice my awkwardness. “Yep,” she says as she pulls some food from her pack. She tosses me a packaged item, which I fumble into the grass. “Sorry,” she says, “I should have warned you.”

The item she tossed is a Chock-O-Crisp bar. I peer at it, turning it over in my hand. Have I had one of these before? “Sorry it’s not a lobster roll,” she says as she takes a bit of her sandwich.

My brow furrows as I try to understand what she means. Is that some weird pop culture reference that I don’t get? My confusion must be plain on my face because a slight frown marks her face, before she smiles again. “You know,” she says, “you never told me your name.”

_I haven’t? Oh, right, I haven’t!_ “My name is Max Caulfield. I am 21 years old. I am a 3rd year photography student. My parents are Ryan and Vanessa Caulfield of Seattle.” The words roll off my tongue before I can stop them. It’s so automatic, I fell into reciting my reminders in response to her!

My body freezes as I realize what I did. _Don’t look at her!_ My neck and face are so hot! I lower my hoodie a little to let cool air in.

She chokes on her food and coughs into her arm. “Well, I didn’t need to know all that,” she said, “but it’s nice to meet you Max Caulfield.”

Something in my chest flutters when she says my name. Is it me, or is the day suddenly brighter?

“What’s your name,” I ask as I struggle to open the wrapper on the chocolate bar.

“Chloe.”

“Just Chloe,” I ask as I bring the packaging to my mouth. Looks like I’ll have to tear it open with my teeth. She reaches out and takes the bar from me before I do that.

“Should there be more,” she asks as she effortlessly opens the wrapper. I stare at it, like it betrayed me. The chocolate bar doesn’t care. It sits in my hand inviting me to eat it.

“What?” I’m distracted by everything. The chocolate, interacting with a fellow student, the sudden heat of the day. It’s autumn, but right now it feels like summer.

“What do you do for fun, Max Caulfield?”

Oof! There’s that flutter again! I take a bite of the bar and decide that I like it. Maybe I should get some for my apartment. “I like walking around town, finding places to take pictures. At night I’ll either review pictures I’ve taken or watch something on Netflix. What about you?”

She finishes her sandwich and I marvel at how fast she is. I’m only half done with the bar. “Draw, skate… pretend I’m a pirate.” There’s a long pause in the middle of her answer.

“You like pirates too,” I say as I look at her. I don’t know where those words came from. _Do I like pirates?_

“You look hella adorable right now,” she whispers. Suddenly I’m very aware of the way she looks, and the way she looks at me. Even though we’re outside, it’s like all the air is gone and I can’t breathe. I’m falling and the world is spinning around me as I’m consumed by her eyes.

Blue surrounds me, soft and comforting. From a great distance my voice asks, “is that a good thing?” My words dance on the air and her smile brightens. I suddenly want to see that smile all the time.

Footsteps shatter the moment and I shake my head. My mind is dull and sluggish, like waking from a deep sleep. Goosebumps rise on my arms and a chill shoots up my spine. “There you are,” says a voice, female and pleasant. I look up to see Doctor Iturralde walking toward us.

She stops a few feet away. Chloe quickly gathers her stuff and stands, slinging the pack over her shoulder. For a moment I think there’s a look that passes between Chloe and the Doctor, but with their angle, I’m not really sure. “Well, I need to get to class,” Chloe says in a rush. Before I can say anything, she’s walking across the lawn toward one of the buildings.

Doctor Iturralde kneels next to me. Unlike Doctor Cole, she doesn’t wear a lab coat. Black slacks and a bright pink top are her ensemble today. “How are you doing,” she asks. Her ever present tablet is in her hand.

I wad up the wrapper and put it into my pack. “I’m ok,” I say, my eyes are fixed on Chloe’s retreating back. She asks me another question and we engage in a distracted conversation. In the midst of it I suddenly realize that none of the doctors have ever sought me out during lunch.

“Why are you here,” I ask and my tone is more accusatory than curious. I wince at the sound. “Sorry,” I hurriedly say, “just, I don’t think you’ve ever come to me during lunch before.”

“We have,” she says with a faraway look in her eyes. “But it is rare. Your interview this morning with Doctor Cole raised some questions.” She pauses and readjusts her position to sit crosslegged. “Are you comfortable with him?”

“No, I’m not,” I say and wonder at my forwardness. Drawing a breath I decide to speak my mind. “He creeps me out.” I briefly recite how he looked at me this morning, and how he makes me feel. She takes notes on her tablet, nodding the whole time.

“Thanks for telling me that,” she says, “we’ll make sure he won’t interview you again.” She pauses again, chewing one lip before saying, “is there anything you left out of this morning’s interview because of how Doctor Cole made you feel?”

Now it’s my turn to pause. My hands are picking at the grass blades in front of me. The lawn here is allowed to grow taller than those closer to school. It gives the lawn a more wild feel to it. Now’s the perfect time to tell her about the incident with the mirror.

With my eyes focused on the grass, I tell her. There’s a quietness that greets my words that I don’t expect. It makes me look at her. I can’t read the expression on her face, as she quickly makes notes on her tablet.

“Thanks for telling me that,” she says when she finishes writing. She rests her fingers on the back of my hand. “Please don’t be alarmed, but we need to take you to the clinic now. What you saw is important.”

Her words do spark alarm in me, though. I’ve never had an unscheduled trip to the clinic. What does it mean?

My arms are slow as I begin gathering my stuff, but my mind is racing. Does this mean my appointment this Saturday is canceled? Why is the incident with the mirror so important? Why did Doctor Iturralde hunt me down? Will I see Chloe again? These questions and more plague me.

The Doctor leads me through the campus to the clinic. She’s on her phone most of the time, talking about things like “ATS-102” and other terms I don’t understand. Guess I won’t be having afternoon classes today.

The clinic, or lab, is in a building that looks like all the other administrative buildings on the campus. A little taller than a single story, it follows the blah-modern corporate architecture common on campus. Too much glass and steel, not enough character. A few cars are parked in the lot to its side. That’s one thing different, no other buildings have their own parking lot.

Inside, she leads me to a changing room with a locker. It’s keyed to my biometric marks and I shove my pack into it. She leaves me and closes the door. I disrobe to just my bra and panties, placing my folded clothes on the shelves in the locker. Once I close it, I step to another door and press a button.

The door opens and I step into a room. Behind me, the door closes and moments later a soft hissing sound announces the cleansing gas that fills the chamber. It’s warm against my skin, which is a relief after the coolness of the chamber. Moments later the hissing stops and the door ahead of me opens.

Two people in what I can only describe as spacesuits wait for me in the room. Through her faceplate I recognize Doctor Iturralde. She greets me with a smile. The other person I don’t recognize, but I am glad to see it’s a woman.

They attach different kinds of sensors to me. Sticky circular things that burn a little wherever they stick. Wires trail from the sensors to a wall in the central chamber. It takes about fifteen minutes to put them all in place. At the end they hand me a small rubber cap to put on. It completely covers my scalp and I make certain all my hair is tucked underneath it. They attach a few more sensors to it, then lead me to a set of steps leading down.

I step into the liquid waiting me. Behind me, the wires drag at my body, an ever present weight pulling me back as I walk. The liquid is warm and inviting. It comes to mid-thigh and I wade into the middle of the pool. A door slides into place behind me, sealing me off from the stairs.

“Ready when you are,” a soft male voice says. Doctor Smith. I lay back in the liquid. I’m not sure exactly what the liquid is, but it is quite buoyant. I easily float, almost on the surface. The air is also warm. Soft music begins playing and within moments I’m in a relaxed state.

When I come to, I’m still laying in the liquid. Doctor Smith says, “You did great, Max. Doctor Iturralde and Nurse Salmez are waiting for you.”

I get my feet beneath me to stand, the liquid sloughing off me in large drops. The liquid pulls at me as I head for the stairs, almost like it wants to keep me. The door is open and I head up the steps to the waiting arms of the Doctor and Nurse. With large, soft towels they dry me off, then gently remove the sensors. That done, they lead me to another room.

A shower, sink, toilet, locker, and bench are in the other room. Without looking, I know the locker contains my clothes, along with a new set of bra and panties. Again, the door closes behind me and I’m alone. I peel off my underwear and toss it into a waiting hamper. I never know what happens to it because it never gets returned. Or so I think.

The shower is some high tech thing that is programmed for my preferences. I press a button outside it to activate the spray. Within moments it’s at my preferred temperature and I enter the spray. One thing I really can commend the project team for is the lengths they go through to make me comfortable.

The water is so inviting that I stay in it a long time. The special cleanser they give me removes all residue from the pool. Finally, a soft buzzer sounds, alerting me that I’ve been in the shower too long. Chagrined, I step from the shower and grab a towel off the heated rack next to the stall. The soft, warm towel feels so good!

I press the button to turn off the water and go sit on the bench next to the locker. The rubber cap is hard to pull off, and it finishes with a snapping sound. I set it on the bench next to me. My clothes, including new panties and bra, are laundered and waiting for me in the locker, which is heated.

Minutes later, I’m dressed and checking myself in the mirror. A light turns on above another door, which opens. Doctors Smith and Iturralde are waiting for me in the other room.

Doctor Smith is possibly in his fifties, it’s hard for me to gauge. He is pleasant, always with a slight smile. His grey and black hair is cut short, barely long enough to sweep to the side. He nods as I exit the bathroom.

“How are you feeling,” he asks.

“Nice and warm,” I reply. It’s quite true. While I don’t know what happens while I’m out, the way they make everything pleasantly warm is a nice touch.

“Any disorientation, tiredness, or dizziness,” Doctor Iturralde asks.

“No, I feel fine. May I go to my next class now?”

Doctor Smith frowns a little. “I’m sorry, Max. The procedure today took longer than usual. All your afternoon classes are over. We spoke with your Professors and lecture notes will be made available to you.”

“Oh.” I am a little disappointed since one of the classes was in my photography major. At least I’ll have notes though, so I won’t fall behind.

“We also arranged to have a video made of each class,” Doctor Iturralde says. “A link will be emailed to you later today.”

Well, that’s a nice plus! Early in the semester I missed a few classes and all I got were the notes. It’s nice to see they are improving!

“You are free to go,” Doctor Smith says with another nod.

“Let me walk you home,” Doctor Iturralde says and ushers me toward the door. She’s wearing a nice blue top with dark blue slacks. They are a pleasing contrast to her brown skin. I smile and thank her.

We walk into the evening, the sun almost touching the horizon. The weather is pleasant, although trending toward cool. My hoodie provides enough warmth but I won’t be surprised if in a few weeks I’ll need a heavier jacket.

Doctor Iturralde makes small talk as we walk. “You’ll be happy to know that Doctor Cole is no longer attached to this project,” she says as we near my apartment.

“Who?”

She studies me as we walk. After a moment she fills me in on how he made me feel. “You aren’t the only woman he has creeped on,” she continues, “but I’d like to think you were the last straw that broke his back.” She says this with a smile as we stand at the entrance to my ground floor apartment. “Thank you for telling me about him. He stayed under the radar somehow, but after I conveyed your concerns, a few other women stepped forward with claims of their own.”

She pauses and looks at the multi-colored sky. “Since you had the procedure today, you won’t need to come in tomorrow.”

I nod. Tomorrow is Saturday, which is normally when I have the procedure. “Do you have any plans this weekend?”

“Laundry,” I say with a laugh. “Very exciting stuff! Why don’t you join me?”

A sad sort of smile crosses her face. “I have laundry and household stuff to do also. Well, I wish you a good evening, Max.” I nod and bid her goodnight.

Inside my apartment, I set my backpack on my couch and take off my shoes. Today was a weird day. Classes in the morning, followed by an emergency procedure.

I go into my bedroom to hang my hoodie in the closet. On the way, I stop and look at myself in the mirror on my bedroom wall. I’m looking a little paler than usual, but that’s likely from the procedure. Laying in a dark room for hours certainly doesn’t help. My hoodie is placed on one of the bed posts and I return to the front room.

A rumble from my stomach tells me it’s dinner time. Pizza sounds good, so I order one for delivery. While I wait, I pull out my laptop and decide to go through the photos for my people project. It’s hard to believe that I took these three days ago.

While I’m sorting through them, I see a folder named ‘Blue.’ Intrigued, I open it to find a single photo. It’s of a slender, fair skinned woman with blue hair. She’s smiling at the camera in a sad kind of way.

_Who is she? Why do I have her picture in its own folder?_


	3. Kate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: brief thought of suicide by a character

“My parents are Ryan and Vanessa Caulfield of Seattle.”

I finish my reminders and study myself in the mirror. The weekend went by at a snail’s pace. Without friends or external activities, there is only so much one can do to stay occupied. Sure, I walked around town some. I took a bus to a park and explored. Despite being a bit of a loner, and introvert, I miss having someone to do things with.

That makes me happy that today is Monday. Classes give me something to do. They provide a focus and a framework for my life. Perhaps I should see about getting weekend classes next semester?

The weather outside is sunny with clouds. I look at the few grey masses that play in the sky. Moisture is heavy in the air as I walk through the apartment complex. Thankfully, my apartment is near the front of the complex. My phone leads me on the seven minute walk to campus, a cheerful voice with an English accent providing directions. So proper.

Like other weekdays, someone from the project meets me enroute to campus. After their brief interview, I’m left on my own for the last few feet to my first class. On the weekend, they come to my apartment for the interview. They never come inside, so we always hold the interview at my door. Weird.

I’m hurrying to class, so I can get a seat in back, when someone bumps into me. “Oops,” I hear a voice say. “I’m sorry.” The clatter of books and other things hitting the sidewalk accompanies the apology.

Next to me is a woman about my height, with brownish blonde hair. An impossibly white, high-collared shirt is buttoned all the way to her neck. I don’t dare wear something that white, I’m too clumsy. She smiles shyly and looks away. “I should watch where I’m going.” There are books, a notepad, and pens strewn across the sidewalk. She bends to pick them up and I kneel down to help her.

“Oh, you don’t need to do that,” she protests as I pick up the items near me.

“It’s not a problem,” I say with a smile. We both stand and I hand the items to her.

“My name is Kate,” she says after thanking me. “Which class are you headed to?”

I introduce myself and answer her question. It appears we are both going to the same class and we hurry in that direction. I don’t recall seeing Kate in my class before and mention that to her.

“Oh, I was attending the class in the afternoon,” she says with her shy smile. “But, something else changed in my schedule and I couldn’t do that time slot anymore. I spoke to the Professor and administrators and they let me switch my class to the morning one.”

“That’s odd. I didn’t know they offered this class in the afternoon. That’s great they let you change, though.”

She nods and brushes back a stray lock of hair. She has a lot of hair, piled on her head and pinned into place. We’re at the classroom then, which stops our conversation.

Like me, Kate also sits in the back of classrooms and I find her sitting next to me. She’s very pleasant and we chat quietly until the class starts. We help each other with note taking and I’m surprised to find she also prefers pen and paper! All around us, students are taking notes on iPads and laptops, and here we two are going old school! The thought brings a smile to my face.

We don’t share other classes, so after ours ends, I bid Kate farewell. My stomach is filled with a sinking sensation as I watch her walk away. It was great connecting with someone my own age. A little sadness tugs at my heart as I turn toward my next class.

During lunch, I’m at one of my favorite places, near a thick stand of trees on the far side of the campus. The trees bring a sense of calm to the area. They absorb much of the nearby sounds, and the breeze in their tops reminds me of a river. I like to come to places like this, lean back, close my eyes, and lose myself in the sound.

I’m sitting on the ground, leaning against a tree when I see someone walking toward me. Even from a distance I recognize the gleaming white shirt and adorably tall hair. It’s Kate! A thrill runs through me and I leap to my feet. My mind is keenly aware of how eager and happy I am to see her and a slight heat rushes to my cheeks. I smooth my pant legs and look away.

When she sees me, her face lights up in a wonderful smile. “Hi, Max,” she says when she’s closer. “You like to eat here too?”

“Yes, I do!” I’m still nervous, filled with an energy that wants to make me run and laugh. I don’t understand it. “There are several places like this around campus. Being able to get away from people and relax helps me get through the day.”

I gesture to the ground and say, “would you like to join me?”

She nods, and we both sit down and lean against the tree. Her shoulder rubs against mine, but it doesn’t bother me. “I like to listen to the wind in the trees,” I say, “and imagine I’m sailing on a ship through the oceans.”

The heat in my cheeks intensifies. I can’t believe I shared that with her!

“You’ve quite the imagination,” Kate says quietly. For a while we sit in silence, appreciating the calm sound of the breeze. I finish my lunch and she starts hers.

“What are you majoring in,” I ask.

She finishes her bite and answers, “Art with a minor in English. I want to write children’s books. What about you?”

“Photography, with a minor in art. My parents wanted me to take Photojournalism so I’d have a more practical degree when finishing.” The words rattle off my tongue though they don’t seem like mine. They are from one of my cards. Kate nods and finishes her sandwich.

“What do you do for fun,” she asks as she wipes her hand on a napkin.

“Well,” I say slowly, “aside from watch movies on Netflix, I like to find places like this to sit and think. On weekends, after chores and studying are done, I like to go out and explore the city. I take pictures of places and people that I find.”

“Do you have any friends that you do that with?”

My eyes turn to the ground where my fingers are playing with the grass. “No.” My voice is a whisper, carried away by the breeze. “I don’t have any friends. School doesn’t leave me much time to find and make friends.”

The words are correct but don’t seem true. How much free time did I have this weekend? What about during the evenings? My study load isn’t so much that it prevents making friends, does it?

“Which year are you in?”

“I am a 3rd year photography student. My parents are Ryan and Vanessa Caulfield of Seattle.” The words issue forth automatically and I’m filled with a sense of horror! I try to cover it up with a laugh, but it’s so filled with nervousness that the laugh sounds frightening.

“Sorry,” I say, trying not to focus on my hands clenching the grass in fright and anxiety.

“For what,” she asks and turns to look at me. I’m studiously ignoring her, focused on the lawn and the trees that aren’t in her direction. My face is so hot I’m sure you can cook something on it!

“Um, for telling you stuff you didn’t need to know? For sounding like a robot?” For giving an automated response that’s a result of my daily reminders! I chide myself for slipping into that.

“Don’t worry about it,” she says with a laugh and it’s like the birds are singing. “Making friends is hard,” she continues. “Am I correct in guessing you aren’t from here?”

I shake my head, not wanting to speak. Who knows what nonsense I’ll say next! From the corner of my eye, I see her hand reach out and touch mine. The moment of contact unlocks something in me. A swirl of thoughts and emotions rush from an unknown place and my vision dims.

Coldness washes over my skin and little pinpricks of wetness strike me. I look up, but no rain is falling. Yet, that’s exactly how it feels.

“No… nobody cares about me… nobody…” It’s Kate’s voice, but it isn’t. I look at her through my hazy vision. She’s not speaking, yet I hear her again as from a great distance. “I'm sorry… sorry…”

My vision clears and the brightness of the day startles me. My hands jerk and Kate pulls hers away. “Sorry,” she murmurs, but I’m not paying attention to her. My skin burns where she touched me. I wave my hand, trying to cool it off but it hurts so much!

Kate looks at me wide-eyed. “What’s the matter,” she cries, “are you ok?”

I shake my head, pain washing up my arm from where she touched my hand. The burning disappears as quickly as it came and I sit with mouth hanging open. My hand appears normal, with unmarred, smooth white skin. “It was,” I begin, mind still not comprehending what happened. “My hand… it was burning where you touched it.”

My peripheral vision barely catches Kate look at her hand nervously, then tuck it behind her. “Sorry,” she whispers, “I didn’t know it would do that.”

“It’s… it’s ok,” I say, not really understanding what she meant. “It’s gone now. I’ve never had that happen before.” _Is it a weird side effect from the project?_ When I’m in the pool and unconscious, I don’t know what they are doing to me. Because of the terms of the project, I can’t speak of it to anyone. What would I say anyway?

“Sorry,” she says again, “I won’t touch you again.” She wrings her hands together and moves away. An uncomfortable silence descends that I’m unable to pierce. My mind is trying to make sense of what happened.

“I’m not from here,” she says in a small voice. “I’m from a small town you probably haven’t heard of.” Her words finally pull my gaze away from my hand. She’s looking at her own hands, now resting in her lap. “The town isn’t there any more…” Those last words I barely hear.

“I’m sorry,” I push myself to say. Kate is clearly upset by something, maybe my reaction to her touch? Even though we’ve only known each other for a few minutes, I feel the need to reassure her. “I didn’t mean to scare you with my reaction. I’ve been… having some weird… health issues lately.”

She raises her head to look at me. There’s a question in her eyes, so strong, I can almost read the words from her expression. But I can’t, and she doesn’t speak it. “It’s ok,” she says, echoing my earlier words.

“What… happened to your home town,” I ask as her words finally push their way past my focus.

Her eyes return to her hands, which fumble with each other in her lap. A desire to reach across and give her a friendly touch lays hold of me. Only the memory of the burning, and the strange voice, stops me. My hand merely twitches in my lap. “There was… a strange storm that destroyed the town a few years ago.”

“That’s dreadful,“ I say. My hand raises to touch her. I stop it in midair and return it to my lap.

She glances at her watch. A watch! She uses a watch like I do instead of relying on her phone. That sends a little jolt of happiness through me. “I should go,” she says reluctantly. “My next class starts soon.”

She gathers her trash and places it in her backpack. “Thanks for letting me eat lunch with you,” she says as she stands.

I stand too. “You’re welcome.” I cast around for other words to say. “It was nice having someone to eat lunch with for once.” I give her a small smile.

She turns to leave, then pauses. “Are you free at 4 PM today? I usually do tea at that time and I’d love it if you could join me.”

I quickly check my schedule and see my last class ends at 3:55. “Sure, I’m available,” I answer, “where do you want to meet?”

She names a location off campus, and near my apartment. We agree on the time and location, and she leaves. A smile graces her face.

A glance at my watch tells me I need to leave also. I’m halfway to my class when I notice I’m humming. My mood right now is definitely in the happy end of the scale! Meeting Kate has made my day.

With something to look forward to, the rest of my classes pass quickly. Before I know it, the last class ends and I’m headed toward my meetup with Kate. I reach our agreed upon meeting place and she’s not there.

I wait a few minutes, trying not to look like I’m expecting someone. I shift from foot to foot, resisting the temptation to look at my phone. Surely she’s coming, right?

“Hi, Max,” I hear from behind me, but it’s not Kate’s voice. I turn to see Doctor Iturralde behind me, tablet in hand.

“Hi Doctor Iturralde,” I say in greeting. It’s hard to keep the disappointment out of my voice.

A slight frown creases her face. “Are you ok,” she asks.

“I’m waiting for someone I met today,” I reply, “we’re supposed to have tea.”

Right then my phone dings with a message. I pull it from my pocket and read the text. 

**Kate:** Sorry, Max. Something happened and I won’t be able to meet you for tea ☹️

**Kate:** I’m truly sorry. I was looking forward to tea with you 😢

My disappointment deepens as the words sink in. “Is everything ok,” she asks.

“No,” I say with a sigh. I compose a quick acknowledgement, send it, and put my phone away. “The person I was supposed to meet had something come up and won’t be able to make it.”

“Well, what were you going to do together?”

“Have some tea at the local shop.”

She smiles and says, “It’s not quite the same, but I wouldn’t mind having tea with you.”

My foot scuffs the cement of the sidewalk while I consider that. “Sure,” I finally say and we head toward the tea shop.

Doctor Iturralde buys us each a cup of tea and a couple of scones. We take our food and drink to a table overlooking a small garden. Mine is an orange herbal tea, while she ordered an earl grey. I put a little honey in mine and stir it while the tea bag steeps.

“How was school today,” she asks while nibbling on her scone. I tell her about the day, including meeting Kate. Her attention stays on me with growing interest as I recount my day. I remove the tea bag from my cup after three minutes and take a sip. Perfect!

The Doctor asks a lot of questions about me and Kate. Sometimes she jots something on her tablet, but most of the time her hands are occupied with food and drink.

“What do you think that burning was,” she asks.

My hand brushes where the sensation was. I shrug and say, “I don’t know.” She nods in acknowledgement.

“What about the voices and those other sensations?”

“Again, no idea.”

She asks other questions which I can’t answer. The whole thing is a mystery to me and I have no problem admitting that to Doctor Iturralde.

Finally, I decide to ask a question that’s bothered me since lunch. “Are those things linked to… whatever you’re studying about me?”

The doctor sets down her mug and looks into the garden. Some lines appear on her face as she concentrates. “It’s hard to say,” she finally says. “I don’t have enough information.” She turns to me, her face wrinkled with worry. “There are certain… anomalies with you, connected to your memory lapse, that we are studying. Right now, I don’t have enough information. Doctor Smith really is the only one who can answer that.”

I nod as if I understand. Her answer seems evasive, but I have no reason to distrust her. She’s the friendliest of all the researchers and the closest person to a friend I have. Not that she is a friend.

Before I know it, my tea is gone and I fall into silence. We both sit, looking at the garden on the other side of the glass. Though it’s late in the day, there are a few insects flitting about the flowers, including some butterflies. We watch the insects, my eyes focus on a blue butterfly, for some minutes before I stir. “I should get home,” I say even though we both know there’s no need.

She smiles and says, “Thanks for joining me for tea.” I nod and grab my pack. With a wave, I leave the shop and head toward my apartment where I pass another lonely evening.

I don’t see Kate for the rest of the week. My texts either go unanswered, or receive single word replies. A pit forms in my stomach and I wonder what happened. What did I do that drove Kate away? Is this really why I don’t have friends, because I do something intolerable that no one wants to tell me about?

The constant clouds that hang in the sky each day this week perfectly match my mood. Hints of warmth and sunshine, but really dreary with a chance of rain. My daily rhythm gives me stability and comfort, but my outlook is bleak. Doctor Iturralde doesn’t show up for the rest of the week either. Instead, a constant stream of unfamiliar research doctors visit me. It’s a different one every time. That provides a little distraction, since normally the researcher at night is the same as the morning researcher.

That novelty soon fades. The researchers are distant and refuse all attempts at conversation. Other students don’t respond to any of my outreach either. If not for those few moments I had with Kate early in the week I wouldn’t try. But now I realize what I’m missing and I crave it.

Saturday arrives and I report to the clinic as usual. Doctor Iturralde greets me at the door, and I greet her with a big smile and hello. She doesn’t respond to that, instead she ushers me to the changing room. I stare at the door as it closes behind her. The click of the lock feels like I’m locked outside of humanity.

With slow movements, I disrobe and move through the other door into the small chamber for the final preparations. After the gas settles onto my skin, I step into the chamber with the pool. Doctor Iturralde and an assistant are waiting and they attach the sensors. I step into the pool, the thick liquid warm and welcoming. 

For a moment I want to sink into the liquid. I picture what it would be like for it to flow into my nose and mouth, into my lungs. With a shudder I clear that image and lay on the liquid. The music plays and I close my eyes, fading into relaxation.

* * *

Days march on, or so my calendar tells me, and my routine gives me structure and solace. Each day is a foggy existence that quickly fades into obscurity. My reminders become my shield and guard against the large world that lays outside my apartment. A world filled with things I don’t know and can barely imagine. A world I don’t remember.

None of this is on my mind as I stand in front of the mirror, reciting my last reminders. My mind is blank, ready for the new day. Reading my reminders infuses me with calm.

“I am a 3rd year photography student.

My parents are Ryan and Vanessa Caulfield of Seattle.”

My eyes blink rapidly as the mirror comes into focus. The reflective surface reproduces my quick blinking. My eyes shift from my reflection, to the background in the mirror, and I freeze. Instead of my bedroom, a destroyed landscape is behind me.

A breeze ruffles my hair. With bated breath I slowly turn to find I stand clad only in my underwear upon a ruined landscape. As far as I can see, trees lay snapped in pieces. To my left, broken buildings thrust from the ground next to the rubble of asphalt and concrete. There’s a bluff to my right, jutting into the ocean. Its flanks are coated with downed trees. Atop the bluff stands a lighthouse. Despite the gaping hole on its left side, the light continues to shine.

Gulls cry overhead and an ocean breeze pushes at me. I turn in circles, my feet muddy and cold. All I see is destruction and the mirror.

_Where the hell am I?_


	4. Family

Danger! Run! Get out of here!

I burst out of the enfolding darkness with a shout and a fall. I’m falling, falling, and then I slam onto my hands and knees. The sudden stop jars me and pain shoots through my hands, knees, and toes. All around me is more darkness. My heart pounds so hard I can’t hear anything. I turn my head from side to side, eyes seeking the danger that threatens.

Slowly, the world takes form. A dresser with five drawers is to my left. Two doors are to my right. Next to me is the bed.

_Where am I?_

_Who am I?_

My eyes widen with that thought and something presses against my chest. I can’t breathe and I have to! I push myself to my feet, hands on my knees and try to catch my breath. I’m gulping and gasping and my chest wants to do the opposite.

Maybe some water woud help. On weak, stumbling legs, I make for the closest door. I push it open and fumble for a light switch. Its glare blinds me and I shield my eyes. When I can lower my hand I see I guessed correctly. I’m in a bathroom. With relief, I lean against the sink. My body finally figures out how to breathe and I take a deep, shuddering breath.

After several breaths, I make myself stand and stretch. That sends me off balance and I fall backwards into the wall. Placing my hand on the wall for support, I stand and take more deep breaths. 

My eyes are drawn to the mirror. In it I see a brown haired girl. Her hair pokes in all directions; her eyes are slitted and her mouth is twisted into a snarl.

“Murderer,” she says, and she lunges for me!

My eyes snap open and I sit up. My head is light as a feather and everything spins. I grab the bed as I sway and try to focus. After a while the spinning stops and I see I’m sitting in a bed, in a bedroom. The wall to my right contains two doors. A bathroom and exit maybe? On the wall between them is a full length mirror. Papers are attached to the wall around it.

I fall back into my pillow and stare at the ceiling. I’m in a bedroom. _Is it mine? Am I at home? I don’t know!_ My hand clenches my pajamas as questions pummel my mind, far too fast for me to grasp them! I’m in a strange place, by myself, and I don’t know who I am! Suddenly I can’t breathe and it’s all I can do to stay laying in the bed! _I have to run! I have to get out of here!_ My heart beats wildly in my chest. It’s all I can hear.

My eyes flick around the room as my hands tighten on the sheets. I finally notice another paper taped to the ceiling above me. In the faint light of the room, I read the words written in thick black blocks: **you are Max Caulfield. You are in bed. You are not alone. You are a volunteer in a medical project.**

I read the words several times, letting them sink in. Max Caulfield. A medical project. My breathing evens out, as does my heart rate. I know who I am now! Well, at least my name. The name feels right, so it must be mine.

After several minutes of pondering that, I sit up. The sheets and blanket fall away and I shiver in the cool air despite my pajamas. More papers are stuck to the walls around me. Some of them are numbered.

To me left is a paper labeled number one, I read it: **get out of bed**. I get out of bed. From there I find number two and follow its instructions. I follow each paper as they lead me through a morning routine. Without them I’m lost and, despite the earlier message, feel alone. I move hastily from paper to paper, my lifeline to meaning.

The papers that tell me about me are the strangest. The words sound correct, but they don’t feel right, especially the last one:

“My name is Max Caulfield.

I am 21 years old.

I study art at the local University.

I am an orphan.”

Although the last statement would explain why I feel so alone, it too doesn’t feel right. My fingers pluck at my jeans as I try to sort out the meaning of it all. I repeat the words aloud, testing them. They have the ring of truth, but the feeling of falsehood.

My hand rests on the doorknob that leads from my room. Outside is a wide world of the unknown. _What waits for me? Is there someone out there that knows me? _My head leans against the door as I muster up the courage to open it.

I tighten my hand on the knob and take a final breath before turning it. The hall on the other side is dimly lit. I take a step, then another and leave the bedroom behind. I cautiously walk down the short hall to what I presume is the living room. At its entrance, I freeze and lean against the wall. I’m disoriented and unnerved by entering a new, unfamiliar space. 

The room is the only other room in my home. It is much bigger than my bedroom and contains living, dining, and cooking space in one. A couch and chair face a large screen TV. In the far corner is a small table underneath a hanging light. Two chairs sit on opposite sides of the table. A bar separates the kitchen from the living area. Two stools are tucked under the bar. It’s a cozy place. It feels wrong.

Since no one else in the space, I take a deep breath and enter the room. Nothing happens and I let the breath out slowly. I walk to the kitchen and open the refrigerator to find a single container of milk, helpfully labeled milk. More notes decorate the kitchen. Apparently I like cold cereal for breakfast. That’s one of the few things that feels right.

While I’m eating, there’s a knock on the door. I set down my spoon and go to the door. When I open it, there’s no one there. I poke my head into the hall and look in both directions. _No one_. I pull back and move to close the door when I spy something on the floor in front of the doorway. _Curious_. I stoop over and pick it up. It’s a USB drive, the kind I might store photos on.

Attached to the drive is a small note which reads “**Play me right away, Max!**” Again, I look up and down the hall. I am the only person present. I close the door and frown. _Who would leave me this? How would they know my name? I barely know my name._ _I guess there’s only one way to find out._

I glance at my bowl of cereal, then decide this mystery is more important. I search my apartment until I find my laptop. I plop myself on the couch, open the lid and find a paper taped to the palmrest. On the paper is written some gibberish that might be a password. When I use it to log in, my suspicions are confirmed. Once everything is ready, I insert the drive. A window opens on screen, which contains a single file named ‘**play me**.’ I double click it.

Another window opens and there’s a still image of a fair skinned girl with blue eyes and blue hair. Her t-shirt has an eerie bird design on it. I click the play button.

“Are you sure you have it connected now,” the girl says. Her voice is both concerned and excited. She seems familiar, but I can’t place her.

“I’m telling you, Chloe,” comes another female voice, “it’s working, Just go on with your message.”

The girl, Chloe, looks at the screen and her face fills with such sadness that my heart wants to break. “Max,” she says, “You’re in danger! You have to get out of there! Don’t trust anyone, not Doctor Smith, not Doctor Iturralde, no one! They tricked us, Max, and it’s all my fault, but I’m gonna get you out of there. Just keep hanging on. I love you-”

My door explodes sending shards of wood and other debris hurtling into the room. Dark clad people rush into the room through the smoke. I shriek in surprise and leap to my feet, sending the laptop to the floor with a thunk. The video is playing but I can’t hear it anymore. Before I can doing anything, one of them kicks the laptop and it crashes into the wall with a loud crunch! The people are dressed in strange suits and masks. They point things at me and I hear the hiss of escaping gas. Moments later all goes dark.

I sit up with a jerk. Around me, a bedroom fades into view. My heart is pounding and I don’t know why. _Where am I?_ My arms shake and my eyes can’t focus on any one thing. By the faint light coming through the curtains, I see there are cards attached to the walls all around. My eyes find a card attached to the curtains opposite me. It reads: **look up**. It even has a large arrow pointing up.

I look up. Above me is a large paper taped to the ceiling. I lay back to better read it. “**You are Max Caulfield**,” it states, “**You are in bed, in your bedroom. You suffer from a rare form of amnesia. Now read card number one.**” The words sink in and my panic slowly ebbs. I read the card again and again. Minutes pass before I feel strength suffuse my limbs.

The room I’m in has a sense of familiarity that I can’t explain. The curtains are a single color, without pattern or designs. Sliding doors mark the closet, and a dresser sits next to it. To my right are two doors, with a full-length mirror affixed to the wall between them. Next to the mirror is a desk with a few things on it. A couple of pictures hang on the wall. That’s it.

Twisting my head around, I find card number one to my left. The card instructs me to get out of bed. A moment later I stand next to the bed on shaking legs. I place my hands on the wall to steady myself and look for the second card. Card by card, I follow all the instructions until I am dressed. The only clothing in the closet is a yellow dress, which I put on. It doesn’t feel right. It’s even worse when I look in the mirror because the color is too bright. It draws the eye and I don’t like that.

I read the card to the left of the mirror: “**I am Max Caulfield. I live with my parents Ryan and Vanessa. I love art, photography, and the outdoors.**” I repeat the words several times. They feel mostly right. A card to the right of the mirror tells me to leave my room.

With my hand on the doorknob, I take several deep breaths, then open it to the unknown. A long hallway with several doors on its left wall lays on the other side. The right wall of the hall has several tall windows, shrouded by curtains. Bright light is at the end of the hall.

I slowly walk down the hall, and find another bathroom branching off it. The hall exits in a very large living room, dining room, kitchen combination. Another hall starts in the kitchen and disappears into darkness. A card on the wall next to me states: **Prepare to meet your parents**.

A man and woman sit at the table, eating and conversing. The man pauses when he sees me and smiles. “Maxine,” he gushes in a deep voice. “Good morning, sleepy head.” He rises and he is a tall, broad chested man with a well-trimmed beard. His hair is a little redder than mine. He wears a checked flannel shirt and jeans.

Opposite him, the dark haired woman turns and rises. She’s close to my height and also smiles broadly when she sees me. “Now, Ryan,” she chides the man, “you know she doesn’t like that. It’s Max, never Maxine.” She walks toward me with her arms outstretched. And I immediately back away. She’s wearing a reddish top with khakis that end mid-calf.

_Who are these people? I don’t recognize them! What do they want?_

A wall impedes my backwards movement and I raise my hands to ward them off as they come closer. My heart is pounding so hard I’m sure they can hear it! I turn my head aside, not wanting to see what they’ll do to me.

I hear the woman stop close to me, her breathing slow and measured. A quick peek tells me her arms have fallen to her sides and her face is twisted in sadness. “You don’t recognize us yet,” she says sadly. The man steps to her side and wraps an arm around her.

“Don’t worry, Nessa,” he murmurs into her hair, “one of these days, she’ll be better. One day she’ll remember us without help.”

“I’m sorry,” I say and I truly am. These people look so sad. “Who are you?”

My question causes the woman to burst into tears and it wrenches my heart. The man looks at me, his own sadness evident. “Max,” he slowly says, “you’re our daughter, Max. I’m your dad, Ryan. And this is your mom, Vanessa.

“We used to go to hockey games together,” Ryan says, his sad eyes haunting me. “Remember? Go Thunderbirds!” My head shakes in denial because I don’t remember.

“No,” I say, “I don’t even know what a thunderbird is.”

The woman, Vanessa cries louder and the man folds her into his arms. “There, there,” he says and rubs her back. I step to the side, wanting to get away from whatever is happening. It’s like I’m witnessing a private family event, and I’m an intruder. The two tug at something in my memory, but they seem off. I’m hearing things that make sense, but leave me filled with unease.

The emotions that roll off them are smothering me and I need to get away from them! But I can’t because they stand in my way. My eyes begin darting around, trying to find a way out of here! The only clear path is back to my room. If I can get there before them, I can close the door and block it. _Does it have a lock?_

“It will be ok, Max,” the man, Ryan, says. “You were in an accident, which triggered a rare form of amnesia. This is a lot for you to take in, I know. Just like it’s a lot for your mother and I. We made you a book to help you remember.” He gestures at the couch. On a table next to it is a book titled ‘Max Remembers.’

“You read it every morning,” he whispers. “One of these days-” his voice catches and he doesn’t continue. A glance shows he’s on the verge of tears also. He kisses the top of Vanessa’s head and I turn away.

I edge cautiously around them to the table and pick up the book. It’s heavier than it looks and weighs down my hands. I take a seat on the couch. The couch is one of those super soft ones and I sink deep into the cushion. I don’t like it.

On the cover of the book is a photo of a dark haired little girl with a big smile. It could be me, I suppose. The crying fades away, maybe Ryan took Vanessa to someplace private? My attention is on the book, which I slowly open.

Each page has one or two photos on it. Explanatory text is printed on paper near each photo. Sometimes the text is brief: ‘Maxine at one’, ‘Maxine gets her first tooth’. Other times the text is a paragraph. The young girl in the pictures could definitely be me. At the same time, I don’t remember what I looked like as a little kid. For all I know these are stock photos of a young white-skinned girl with dark brown hair.

At around ten years of age, the photos change and I begin to recognize myself. I stop at a photo of me at a birthday party. The caption reads “Max turns 13.” My photo was cut from a larger photo. An arm is draped across my shoulders, its hand throwing the shaka sign. The person it belongs to was cut out.

I’m reading a book about my life, a life that I don’t remember. And it’s seriously strange. My mind is completely detached from what I’m seeing. Although I recognize my older self in the photos, everything seems wrong. Where are my friends? Why are there no place names? Why are most of my pictures taken from home? Why do the few outside my house seem staged? If I love photography, why are there no pictures showing my skill?

Page after page of surreal memories flood my vision. “Maxine goes to the zoo” next to an out-of-focus picture of a brown haired girl and what might be the bars of a cage. “Maxine at her first school dance” next to a girl, who might be me, in a blue dress and awkward smile. “Max goes to college” next to someone who is definitely me standing by a car filled with boxes.

The doorbell rings as I near the end. Footsteps cross the living room, but I stay focused on the book in my lap. I hear the door open and low voices in greeting, then the words, “she’s in here, I hope… I hope you can help.”

I turn to see my dad talking to a girl that’s probably my age. She’s tall, slender, with fair skin and long blonde hair. She’s wearing a blue stripped button-up, and black capris. A smile lights up her face when she sees me looking and she pushes past Ryan.

“Max,” she gushes as she rushes to me. “You’re up! I’m so happy.” She stops in front of me, her hands twitching. “You… you don’t recognize me do you?” She looks to Ryan, then back to me. I hear the door close.

“Should I,” I ask as neutrally as I can. The world won’t keep spinning and throwing me confounding puzzles. Wake up in a strange bed with no memory. Cards on the walls giving me instructions. Parents that, well, I don’t know. And a book documenting a life I don’t recall.

The girl kneels in front of me and gently takes my hands in hers. They are soft and warm and tremble a little. I smell strawberries. Her cool grey eyes glisten as they look at me, filled with tears on the verge of falling. “I’m your girlfriend,” she says nervously, “I’m Chloe.”


	5. Chloe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: a brief mention of LGBTQ hatred.

Chloe. The name sounds right but the image is all wrong. I don’t know how I know, just that I do. But it’s clear she doesn’t seem to think so. Her lip trembles as she tries to suppress the tears.

“Hi,” I say awkwardly, “I’m Max and… apparently I’m your girlfriend?”

My strange greeting makes her laugh and it’s like spring flowers after a fresh rain. A flutter arises in my chest and my head is in the clouds. She leans in and gives my cheek a quick kiss. “I’ll leave you two alone,” Ryan says as I hear footsteps fade away. His voice is off, which I can detect even though my heart has carried me far away. The sight of Chloe, her eyes, her smile, has captured me and I don’t want to be let go.

Chloe rises and seats herself next to me, her hands still holding mine. I can’t say her touch feels wrong. Her body is snugged against me and the smell of strawberries is everywhere. It’s quite pleasant. _Do I like strawberries? Is that why she wears the scent?_ _There’s so much I don’t know!_

That uncertainty gnaws at me. It erodes the bliss I feel in her presence, from her touch and looks.

“You’re looking at your book,” she coos. She lets go of a hand to touch one of the photos. “Your dad told me about it. Early on, he asked me for any pictures I had of us. May I show you one of my favorite pictures if it’s in here?”

“Sure,” I say. If she is my girlfriend, maybe she can help make sense of everything?

Chloe turns the pages until she comes to the picture of me at my thirteenth birthday party. There’s a sharp intake of breath before she speaks. “You were so awesome,” she says in a subdued tone, “and hella cute!” _Hella. That’s a strange word._ The word feels right though. “Your parents and I threw you a surprise party and they paid to have HawtDawg Man show up. You were so stoked I thought you were gonna pee your pants!”

She’s tracing my thirteen year old face with one finger while she talks. “Is that your arm on my shoulders?” I ask.

There’s a slight pause before she softly says, “Yeah. Your parents…” her voice fails at that point and I feel a shudder run through her. “Sorry,” she whispers. “Your parents don’t like that… we’re together. They still aren’t used to… well, us being gay and together. And it hurts to see…”

“What do you mean?”

Her hand takes up mine again and she turns to sit crosswise on the couch. I do the same so I can look at her. The book is in my lap, our joined hands laying on it. Her eyes study me. They’re so soft and inviting and sad, I want to pull her into my arms. “We’ve known each other since you were five,” she says. “We’ve been best friends ever since. And lovers for the last few years.

“They were a bit shocked when we came out to them. We did it together, you know.” Her hand reaches up to trace my jaw. My skin tingles and burns pleasantly where she touches. “I think part of their shock was them realizing you were all grown up. Your mom, though, was something else. I think she believed we were in your room fooling around all those years. I don’t know. She’s a bit tight lipped about it.

“After your… accident, when they decided to create this book, they wanted to lock me out of your life. So… when they selected pictures, it looks like they cut me out of all of them. I should be in most of these pictures.”

She sniffles and uses one hand to press against her nose. “Sorry,” she mutters, “I told myself I wouldn’t cry when I finally got to see you, but seeing what they did to our pictures, the memories of our life, and having to explain it to you really hurts.” She drops my hands and rises from the couch to find a box of tissues. My eyes move to the picture of me with her disembodied arm slung across my shoulders.

The notion my parents would cut my girlfriend, and likely my best friend, out of all our photos is disturbing. My fingers touch the cut part of the picture. _And now they let her back into my life?_

The couch jostles as she reseats herself. She wipes her face, blows her nose and tosses the tissues on the nearby table. “A couple of weeks ago,” she continues, “I had enough of it and raised hell until they agreed to let me see you. It took a long time and a lot of arguing…” she raises her hand to brush my cheek.

The touch is soothing and feels so good, and so… different. “How many times have you seen me… since the accident?” My hand rises to catch hers and hold it to my cheek. I nuzzle against it.

Her smile returns, warm and genuine. “This is the first time.” Her eyes are fastened on my face, her lips slightly parted. 

“And how long since the accident?”

“Months.”

There’s something she wants, something she needs. The need comes off her in waves, crashing into me. I lean forward and our lips meet.

The touch of her hand on my cheek spoke to something deep inside me. My lips against hers awakens it with a roar. Before I realize it, I’m pushing against her, my hand reaching into her hair and holding her head close. I’m burning with something I don’t recognize and it’s making me lose control!

Only there’s something not quite right. As I push her backwards, and follow her down, she willingly submits to my passion. Her hands are in my hair, pulling my with her. They roam down my back, tracing my spine, to grab my butt. She flexes her hands and I wriggle under them. I break our kiss and look into her eyes. She’s panting, her eyes unfocused, her cheeks flushed and warm. But there’s something missing.

I roll off her with a groan, thumping onto the floor. The photo album lays upside-down next to me, where it tumbled when I dove onto her. My head drops into my hands and I press the heels into my eyes. The couch moves, probably Chloe sitting up. “What,” I hear her say in confusion, “Why’d you stop?”

“I’m sorry,” I say, not able to look at her. “Right now everything is too confusing. I shouldn’t have done that.” _Why did I do that? Where did that need come from?_

She slides off the couch to sit next to me. She takes one of my hands in hers. “Ok,” she says. “That’s fair enough. I can’t imagine what it much be like, to wake up each day and not know who you are. What your life was. In case it helps, what you did was welcomed.”

We sit in silence for a while, only the sound of our breathing breaking it. My eyes rove the room, her hand serving to keep me stable and grounded in this place that doesn’t feel right. The room seems too perfect, like a display where everything is new and spotless and unused. Like I’m in a museum exhibit. “Want to go outside,” she asks.

I shrug. “Sure.” We help each other stand. She plants a quick kiss on my nose. “Ninja kiss,” she whispers with a smile and my heart bounces. I so want to remember that smile and the way she looks at me. A twinge in my heart reminds me that when I awaken tomorrow I may not remember this. _Please! Let me remember her and her goodness!_

“Let me tell your parents first,” she says, “ever since the accident, they’ve been a bit overprotective.” She air quotes the last word with her fingers.

With a nod, I say, “ok, I need to put my shoes on any way.” And maybe grab something to eat. My stomach feels as empty as what I saw in her eyes when we kissed on the couch.

Chloe walks into the kitchen, and down the hall. I return to my room where I find my shoes in the closet. A hoodie is also in there, which I didn’t see before. As I pull it on, I frown. When I got dressed the only clothes I found were a bra, panties, socks, and this hideous dress in the closet. _How did I miss the hoodie?_

I close the door and return to the kitchen. Chloe hasn’t returned, so I look through the cabinets for something to eat. The cupboards are filled with food that requires a lot of preparation. The only food I find ready to eat is a box of pop-tarts. I grab a packet and tear it open.

I’m on the second cardboard tart when Chloe reappears. “All ready,” she asks. I finish the tart and nod. She takes my hand, I toss the trash into the bin, and she leads me from the house.

My parents house is a sprawling single story in the midst of a forest or woods. We exit the front door onto a porch that spans the entire front of the house. I stop and lean against the railing, eyes taking in everything around us. Beyond the porch is a large lawn, with wide flower beds between it and the porch. A hedge borders the lawn on three sides. Chloe leads me down the steps to a sidewalk that goes toward a garage to the left of the house. Trees surround the property.

She leads me into the backyard, which has another large lawn and flower beds. A large deck is attached to the back of the house, elevated above the backyard. Everything smells fresh and the air is comfortable without being either too cold or too warm. I love it.

“How long have my parents lived here,” I ask.

“Since you were thirteen. Ever since your dad got a promotion with a big raise. They moved away from town, but not too far away.” She says the last with a knowing tone.

“Not too far to keep us apart you mean?”

Her answer is to nuzzle her nose against my cheek. Her free hand comes up and boops my nose. “You got that right,” she whispers in my ear.

“How far away do you live?” I’m trying really hard not to give in to the emotions and other things churning inside me. Whether she’s my actual girlfriend or not, Chloe really knows how to reach me. It’s leaving me breathless and confused.

“Not too far, by car,” she says.

“Car? There wasn’t one in the drive.”

“Oh,” she laughs and the day seems brighter. “My father dropped me off. We only have one car. And I plan on spending the whole day with you.”

We’ve stopped in front of a flower bed at the far side of the back lawn. Our shoes and pants cuffs are soaked from the dew; well mine are soaked, her shins glisten from the dew. She drops my hand, and moves hers to my back which she begins to rub. It feels so good I can’t stop myself from angling my back to bring her hand to the right spot.

Her touch is sending me into a zone of contentment. A soft sigh escapes my lips and she laughs and it’s like the sound of a small stream playing among stones. Her hand slips lower. “Tell me,” I manage to say, “tell me about the accident.”

Her hand stops its rubbing and falls away. She sighs and its a heavy sound in the bright sunshine. “Ok,” she says after a prolonged pause. She steps in front of me and looks into my eyes. “Let me be honest though. I miss my girlfriend. I miss the person who made me laugh, who brought me such happiness. The girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. And this will sound selfish, but I miss having you, all of you, to myself.

“Your accident, tragic and painful, has broken more than your memory.” She’s no longer looking at me, though her eyes are still focused on me. “It’s also flipped your parent’s lives upside down. And it drove us apart. Your parents have money, and I’m just a low wage slave. They can take care of your medical needs. I can’t.

“So, after your accident, when the doctors said you were well enough to go home, your parents took you from me.” Her words are bitter now and she looks away. She kneels and runs her hands through the flowers. When she continues, her words are soft and hard. “It was months, Max! Months before they allowed me to see you again! No matter how I begged and pleaded, they wouldn’t let me see you! There was not a damn thing I could do about it!

“But, I never gave up. When I wasn’t working my job, I was working them. And finally, it paid off.” She picks a flower and stands. The flower has white petals and a yellow center. I think it’s a daisy. She weaves it into my hair, then tilts her head to touch mine. “You are my flower, Max. You are my everything and I’m never letting you go.” She leans in and kisses me.

This time, she’s the passionate one, but she doesn’t push me like I did earlier. Her kiss is warm and soft, a tenderness between lovers. She breaks it before too long and smiles. “I will keep at it, until they let me have you.” Her arms are around my waist, hands clenched in the small of my back. I lean in to her, and lay my head on her chest.

The scent of strawberries mixes with the flowers from the garden. We stand that way a long time, lost in each others arms. There’s a sense of security and comfort in her embrace, a sense that I’m sure I haven’t felt in a long time.

“You know,” she says over the top of my head, “I kind of like that you wake up each day, not knowing who you are. Who I am. It means each day is new for you. Everything you see is a first time discovery. Each time you see me, I’m a first time discovery. And you,” she leans away a little so she can see my eyes, “Will always be my first time discovery.”

I can’t deny that her touch, her scent, her words are having an effect on me. Whatever I felt earlier in the living room is back, stirring in my heart. It’s not overpowering though. I cling to her, and kiss her neck just below her ear. “Maybe it’s time for a little discovery of our own,” I ask playfully. My hand slips to her hip, where I run my fingers up and down. 

She laughs and I want the sound to never end. “Maybe,” she says, “but later. Right now I think your parents are watching.”

“Let them watch,” I say into her neck as I go for another kiss. My hand moves up to her breast. “I’ve missed this also, missed…” _what did I miss?_ Certainly the touch and feel of another person. No matter the holes in my mind, that was something I was sure of. It had been a long time since someone had touched me in friendship or love, and I wanted it. I needed it!

She takes my hands and unwraps me from her body. I pout as she brings our hands to her face and kisses them. “We’ll have plenty of time later,” she said. “Right now, I want to rediscover you in other ways.”

“Maybe I can convince my parents to let you stay with us, in my room,” I say as I slip one hand into her back pocket. She doesn’t remove it as we begin walking alongside the flowers. Through her pocket, I feel her muscle flex and relax as she walks.

A tiny part of me wonders at how forward I am. I’ve only known Chloe for, what, an hour? And already I’ve tried to push myself on her, felt her up in plain view, and told her I wanted to have sex with her. Not in so many words, mind you, but the intent was clear. Then there was the bit about not caring if we had sex in the backyard for everyone to see. That tiny part protests the way I’m acting. I push it aside and flex my hand in her pocket.

She laughs and doesn’t stop walking. We spend the morning wandering my parents yard and the woods around it. She entertains me with stories about our childhood, mixed with removing my hand from her body parts. And the morning passes quickly.

We’re laying on the grass among the trees beyond the yard and I’m enjoying how the light and shadows play across her. My arm is draped over her, as I lay partially on her. Our hands are clasped and my lips explore her neck and ear and other exposed skin. I kiss the small love mark I made where her neck and shoulder come together. This moment I wish could last forever.

“You’re not quite what I imagined,” she whispers as my lips play along her skin.

I pop my head up, brow wrinkled in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“You’re so tender and warm and affectionate,” she speaks into the sky, her eyes lost in something only she sees. “I thought… no feared, that I would find a person who is lost and didn’t know me or want to know me. I’ve heard tales of how other people with memory loss were violent or rejected their loved ones. I feared the same might be true here.”

She turns now to look at me, her eyes focus on mine. “But you aren’t like that at all.” Her arms pull me on top of her and I look into the eyes of the beauty under me. “You are more than I could have hoped for.” Her hand slips under the hem of my dress, her fingertips grazing the skin on the back of my leg. “I only hope…” She pauses and stares into my eyes.

“What did she-I do to have someone as wonderful as you?” She asks as her other hand pulls my head down so our lips meet.

“I don’t recall,” I whisper around our kiss.

We’re interrupted by my mom calling us in for lunch. I roll off her, panting and hot with her touch. We lay a moment, fingers linked and my eyes drinking her in. She smiles and my stomach flutters which makes me giggle.

“What?” she asks with a smile.

“You… made my stomach tickle me,” I whisper. She laughs and I want to ignore my mom, take Chloe into my arms, and forget the world around us.

My mom won’t let up that easily though, as she continues to call our names. With a heavy sigh, I sit up. “We best go in for lunch before she comes looking for us,” I say.

We help each other up and then brush the debris of the forest from our clothes. We do our best to make ourselves presentable, though the love mark, no love marks!, on her neck are very evident. Hand in hand we return to the house.

The dining table is set for five and I find another person there. Doctor Smith. Strange, how despite missing great chunks of my memory, I recognize him. He sits next to Ryan, my dad. Chloe gives him a glare, then seats herself between him and I. I wonder about that and make a note to ask her about it.

Someone made hamburgers and I dive into mine like it’s the first time I’ve ever had one. Which, considering my condition, is very true. Dad and Doctor Smith chat while Chloe and I devour our food. Mom eats only a bare patty.

Partway through the meal, the Doctor turns to me. “Max,” Doctor Smith says in his sightly accented voice, “you look in great spirits today. I believe we have Chloe to thank for that?”

Chloe looks surprised at his words, almost dropping her burger. Across from me I see a faint look of disgust roll over my dad’s face. He forces a smile, but it’s obviously fake. Chloe’s words about them locking her out of my life come to mind and I glare at him. “Sure,” I say, “I don’t have any days to compare it to, so I’ll take your word for it.”

He nods and flashes a smile at Chloe. “Perhaps the two of you should spend more time together,” he suggests and I hear my mom choke. She coughs and pounds her chest until it stops.

“That would be hella amazeballs,” Chloe says, and I voice my agreement too. Maybe I’ll get her to stay with me after all? My hand reaches under the table to rub her leg.

“If it helps Max,” my dad says stiffly. That suggestion kills the conversation and we finish the meal with only the sounds of eating breaking the silence.

Afterward, Chloe and I help my mom clear the table while Doctor Smith and my dad go to the back porch to talk. Once the dishes are in the washer, and the table cleaned, we join them. My parents have nice furniture on the back deck and we spend the time in more conversation. I only have eyes and ears for Chloe though and it’s all I can do to not climb into the chair with her and cuddle. _Maybe I should do that and give my parents something to be mad about?_

A lull occurs in the conversation and I find Doctor Smith studying me. “Max,” he says, “I need to perform a small test, to see how well you are responding to the treatments. If it’s ok, we can do the test here, in your living room.”

I look at Chloe and the others, but find no reason to decline. “Sure, we can do it,” I say and stand. Doctor Smith stands as well, and the others stay on the porch while the two of us go inside.

He directs me to the couch, while he goes to the front door. Moments later he returns, carrying a metal attache. He places it on a table and opens it. Inside are a variety of instruments tucked into padded compartments.

Doctor Smith tries to strike up a conversation while he checks my basic vital signs, but I just want this over with so I can return to Chloe. Already I’m missing her scent and warmth. My hands ache to touch her. My lips want to savor the softness of her skin. “Are you nervous,” he asks as he puts one of the instruments away.

“No,” I say, my eyes wandering to the back door. “I just want to get back to my girlfriend.”

A slight smile graces his face and he says, “ah, young love. It’s a wonderful thing. You’ll be in her arms in no time, Max. Now look here.” He holds up an instrument I don’t recognize. It looks like a mask, maybe ski goggles? But the lenses are darkened. I look into it as he gently touches it to my face.

“My name is Max Caulfield.

I am 21 years old.

I have killed thousands.”

I stand in front of my mirror, wearing my t-shirt and jeans. Warm air surrounds me, wrapping me in a false comfort. There’s something on my hands, warm and sticky. I look down to see blood dripping from them. In the mirror, my reflection laughs, a horrible sound.

I raise my hands, my eyes widen as the blood streams down my arms to drip from my elbows. My reflection screams, “You killed them! You killed all of them!”

That’s when my eyes are drawn away from my blood soaked hands to the landscape around me. Bodies, broken, bent and twisted, surround me. They are piled high, almost to my waist. Blood soaks their clothes. Men, women, children, all dead, all looking at me.

“You are death,” my reflection says with her horrible laugh. “How many more have to die because of you?”


	6. Arcadia Bay

I’m trapped, and I can’t move! My eyes fly open but only darkness greets me. Something lays across my chest and it’s all I can do to not scream! My hand comes up and touches it. Skin, warm and soft, greets my touch.

I turn my head to see someone laying next to me. Blonde hair, closed eyes, female and breathing softly. Her head leans against my shoulder. _Why is there a woman in bed with me? And why is she holding me?_ Because that’s exactly what she’s doing! My heart rate increases at the thought of being in bed with a stranger, held by her. To what end?

As the questions roll around in my mind, crowded by more, her eyes open. Cool grey eyes regard me. There’s a faint scent of strawberries. “Are you ok, Max,” she asks, her brow furrowed.

Max. “Who’s Max,” I ask, my voice trembling, “and who are you?”

“You’re Max, silly,” she says with a smile then kisses my nose. “And I’m Chloe, your girlfriend.”

Max. Chloe. The names seem right but the people wrong. Or maybe it’s the other way round?

“Where… where are we?”

“In your bed, in your house. You know, if we’re going to make my stay here be long term, you need a bigger bed. Cramming two people in this bed is tough.”

She’s right. I can feel the edge of the bed under my right side. I’m laying on my back, and she’s on her side. There’s barely enough room for her. “Of course,” she says with a smile and a purr, “I doubt either of us will complain about being this close.” She moves her head and kisses my cheek.

Heat rushes through me and I realize I’m only wearing my bra and panties. _Wait! Why would I wear my bra to bed? That doesn’t make any sense!_

I’m trapped and I can’t move! My eyes fly open but only darkness greets them. A weight drags on my chest, holding me down. My heart pounds as I realize something or someone is next to me. They move, pulling me as they do. It’s all I can do to not scream! My heart pounds so loudly I’m scared it will awaken the other person. I slowly move my hand to touch the thing laying on me. Skin. An arm. Warm and soft.

I turn my head to see a person next to me. Blonde hair, closed eyes, lips parted in sleep. _Why is there a woman next to me? And why is she holding me?_

Her eyes open and she smiles. Cool grey eyes study mine. The scent of strawberries floods my nose. “Are you ok, babe,” she says. As she speaks, she rolls so she’s partly on top of me. One of her legs goes between mine and an intense wave of emotions crashes through me.

“Yes,” I croak, not understanding what’s happening. Or who she is. Or who I am. But she called me babe, so girlfriend maybe?

She leans in and kisses me gently on the lips. Her leg is moving in a certain way that is very distracting. Unfamiliar and intense sensations surge through me from the contact. Her fingers run through my hair and her lips travel up my neck to my ear.

Heat and more surge in me from her touch. Her other hand is on my hip, fingers touching my skin lightly and tracing little circles.

“Who-?” is all I manage to say before her lips find mine.

Her hips press against me as she moves. I don’t understand what’s happening, but I can’t deny how good it feels. It feels wrong and right at the same time and my confusion and panic nearly overwhelm everything.

“You are Max Caulfield,” she says when she breaks the kiss. “And I am Chloe Price, your girlfriend. That’s all that you need to know.” She kisses me behind my ear, nipping its lobe with her teeth. Her fingers slip further under my shirt.

_That’s all that I need to know._ My hands come up to tangle with her hair. I pull her head down for another kiss. The smell of strawberries intensifies.

My hands move from her head to her back and there’s nothing I want more right now than to tear off our clothes! My hands move lower, and grab the hem of her shirt. I want to taste her body and learn all its secrets!

Her leg presses between mine and I move mine in a similar way. I lift her shirt to feel the smooth warm skin beneath. Her lips travel from mine to my neck. I want to bring her to the heights of passion! She nips the soft skin of my neck and I let out a throaty growl.

I want to hear her cry out in ecstacy! One of my hands moves up her back, tracing light patterns along her spine. The other moves to her butt to lightly stroke and squeeze. I want to bring her such bliss that she’ll never doubt that she’s loved!

Sunlight streams through the window, blinding me. I raise a hand to shield my eyes which blink rapidly from the intrusion. I’m in a bed, in a bedroom. Everything smells clean and fresh. Above me is a large sign with the words: **Good morning, Max. Welcome to your first day! Please follow the instructions on the cards next to you.**

I cast aside the covers and do just that. Cards line the wall, a path from my bed to closet, to bathroom. Each one has its own set of words that capture my attention. A long time later, I stand in front of a full length mirror. My clothes are a simple colored t-shirt and jeans with a hoodie. Next to the mirror is a photo of a blonde woman with her arms around me. Scrawled below it on the wall is: Max and Chloe, forever ❤️

My fingers touch the photo, tracing her face. Chloe. Girlfriend. Warmth suffuses me and my heart skips. A sensation as of arms wrapped around my waist brings a sense of comfort and stability. I lean forward and give the picture an awkward kiss. _I should move it from the wall next time._

A loud crash sounds in another room and I jump. Shouts echo from behind the door and I step away from the mirror. More loud noises occur and I hear footsteps come quickly towards the door. It’s suddenly hard to breath and my heart is loud in my ears! I scan the nearby cards for help. They tell me to leave my room, to greet my parents and have breakfast. They say nothing about noises and shouts! In a hurry, I back away from the door and put my bed between us. I don’t know what else to do!

The door flies open and in rushes a slender woman with blue hair. When she sees me, her face lights up. “Max,” she cries. “Come on! I’m getting you out of here!”

I cringe and press myself into the corner. “Who are you,” are the only words I can get out. My eyes flick between her and the open door, the only exit. Shouts and other loud sounds come from that direction and I flinch with each noise. _That’s the only way out of the room!_ A sadness fills her face and she speaks again, “It’s me, Chloe. Please, we don’t have much time!”

_Chloe_? My eyes travel to the picture next to the mirror. Chloe. The woman who calls herself Chloe sees where I’m looking, her face twists and she snarls. In one smooth motion, she steps to the mirror and tears down the photo. My eyes follow the torn pieces as they flutter to the floor. Something inside me falls as I watch and I whisper, “No.”

When I look at her again, her anger is replaced by sadness. She raises her hand and I shrink from her. “I’m sorry, Max,” she says as she rushes me.

Before I know it, I’m over her shoulder and she’s running down the hall. I shout and beat at her back but she doesn’t stop! She runs out the door and I catch glimpses of people laying on the floor of the house. Blonde hair grabs my attention, but it’s gone before I know where it is.

Another female voice says, “hurry up! Backup is on the way!” Then I’m on my feet being shoved through a car door and the blue haired woman comes after me. She lays on top of me, pinning me to the seat. I struggle to push her off to no avail.

“I’m so sorry, Max,” she says again as she covers my mouth with her hand. The car begins moving, bouncing and jostling. “I need to keep you down. I doubt they’ll shoot, but it’s better to be safe.”

When I can tell my struggles are useless, I stop. My panic remains high and my mind is going down a spiral. My mind and eyes are casting about, looking for a way to escape. That’s impossible as long as she lays on me. We stay that way a long time while the car barrels down whatever road its on. Each bounce pushes her weight into me and drives the breath from me. At last, the car stops its shaking and I no longer feel like the woman’s trampoline.

“I’m gonna let you up now,” she says and sits up. Her hands help me to a sitting position. Her touch is gentle, as if afraid she’ll break me.

“I’m so sorry, Max,” she says again as she brushes debris from my hair. “You must be so frightened and confused.”

I squish myself into the door, wanting to be as far from her as possible. The car is tiny and only gives me inches from her. My mind whirls and it’s like my entire world disappeared. Without my cards I’m lost. They told me to leave my room and have breakfast. _How can I do that?_ _What do I do now?_

My breath is coming in gasps and I’m light-headed. The blue-haired woman leans over and places a hand on mine. I snatch mine away like it was burned. “Don’t touch me,” I whimper, still seeing her twisted face and snarl at the photo of me and my girlfriend. _Will she snarl at me? Will she hurt me?_

“She doesn’t know who you are,” another woman says. I look quickly at the speaker, then back to the stranger with me. “Without her memories, she needs routines and guidance. Both of which are back at the house.”

My eyes are open so wide it hurts, but I can’t take my eyes off the stranger sitting near me. _What does she want with me? Where are we? Why are we in a car?_ My throat is too tight to give voice to any of these questions, and I fear the answers as much as the unknown.

I lift my knees and bury my face in them. My hands claw at my hair. Everything is spinning away and I don’t know what to do!

More voices speak, but I can’t hear them over the pounding of my heart. Tears are streaming from my eyes as an utter sense of hopelessness fills me. _I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what to do!_

“You are Max Caulfield,” comes another voice, soft and sweet. “You are 21 years old. You love taking pictures and want to be a photographer. Your parents are Ryan and Vanessa Caulfield of Seattle.”

My head raises at the calm, soothing voice. The speaker sits in the front of the car and has the sweetest smile. Her fair skin glows with the brillance of that smile. Blonde hair is piled atop her head, some strands pulled loose from the pins that hold the rest. More important than all that is she knows the words from my cards! I blink away some of the tears that formed in my eyes and give her a weak smile.

She repeats the words and I cling to them. They are the only thing I know in this world of speed and strangers and action. The only anchor to hold me from spinning away in a storm of fear.

“It’s going to be ok, Max,” the woman says with her sweet smile. She holds out a hand, palm up. “My name is Kate. We’re your friends. Are you hungry?”

My stomach rumbles in response and her smile becomes impossibly brighter. She looks away and her hands disappear in front of her. Moments later she looks at me again, one hand holding a silver wrapper with blue letters.

“Sorry,” Kate says as she offers me the package. “It’s all we could manage.”

My hand slowly reaches out and takes the package rapidly. I tear into it, finding two rectangular items with a kind of coating. From some part of my mind comes the words: pop tart.

I devour the first rectangle and ooh and ahh over the taste. It’s like nothing I’ve ever had before and I can’t get enough of it! My haste scatters crumbs everywhere. Kate hands me a bottle of water, which is wonderful considering how dry these pop tarts are.

While I eat, Kate points to the woman driving. “This is Ethel Iturralde,” she says. The woman has brown skin and orange hair. The hair is quite eye catching. My eyes flick to her, then return to Kate.

“Formerly, Doctor Iturralde,” the driver says. I recognize her voice from the house.

“Next to you,” Kate says, “is Chloe.”

Chloe. A vision of blonde hair and a warm smile fills my mind. Fingers lightly stroke my cheek. I smell strawberries. I shake my head at the false Chloe next to me. _She’s not Chloe!_

I finish the other rectangle, and the water, then stare at both containers blankly. “Let me take those,” Kate says and gently removes the trash from my hands. “And you might want to put your seatbelt on.”

I nod and follow her directions. Her sweet voice and calm words have returned my heart rate to its normal levels. I no longer have an overpowering desire to run. She hasn’t removed my fears, but definitely helped me manage my emotions. My eyes look between the three women in the car. Strangers. Kate said they are friends. _Why would friends break into my home and take me away?_

The woman next to me, Chloe, but she can’t be my Chloe, keeps moving her hand toward me. It’s like she wants to touch me. The hand draws close, then pulls away.

More thoughts want to flood my mind and feed on the fear that lurks there. To distract myself, I focus my gaze to the outside world. The scenery outside the window contains hills, mountains, plains, and forests, all mixed together. We’re driving fast and there are a lot of cars around us. _Freeway_. The word comes to me suddenly.

Next to me, the blue haired Chloe is silent. But her face is loud as a wide range of emotions battle for supremacy. “I am Max Caulfield,” I say half-heartedly, forgetting that they already know that. “I am 21 years old. I love taking pictures and want to be a photographer. My parents are Ryan and Vanessa Caulfield of Seattle.

“Why did you take me from my parents? Why did you take me from Chloe? Who are you? Where are we going?”

“We took you because those fuckers were twisting you,” wannabe Chloe says angrily. “After we took you to them to help you! They are the real kidnappers!” I flinch and cram myself into the door at her harsh words.

Kate gives me another smile. “It’s a very long story,” she says, “And a sad one. We’re taking you to its beginning.” She pauses, then reaches a hand back and pats my knee. “Despite the circumstances,” she continues, “we are your friends. Showing you, we think, we hope, will do more than any words we can say.”

Mystery upon mystery. “There is one thing I need to ask of you,” Kate says. “Are you wearing a pendant, a necklace?”

I nod. There’s a chain around my neck with some kind of ID tag on it. I saw it this morning while dressing. “May I have it,” Kate asks. I draw the chain from my shirt and look at it. My name and a number are etched on it. Nothing about it seems special. Kate’s so charming that I find myself pulling the chain over my head and handing it to her.

She thanks me, rolls down her window, and tosses the necklace outside. I watch it tumble past the window, speechless by what she did. “Sorry,” she apologizes as she rolls up the window. “We think that has a tracking device in it. We don’t want them finding us yet.”

“Tracking? Them?”

“The people that have been holding you for over a year,” not-my-Chloe says and fire is in her voice.

I’m lost and it must show because she speaks again, in a warmer tone. “Over a year ago, we took you to a group that claimed they could help you. Instead, they took you from us and began… experimenting on you. We tried several times to contact you, but each time they intercepted us and made it quite clear we needed to leave you alone. If we valued our lives.”

“Help me?”

A troubled look passes over both fake Chloe’s and Kate’s faces and neither wants to answer. “You’ll see soon enough,” wrong Chloe finally murmurs.

“And Ethel… Doctor Iturralde?” My tongue stumbles over the unfamiliar name.

“I was part of the group supposedly helping you,” she answers. I see one hand flex on the steering wheel. “I wasn’t fully read into the program so I didn’t see or know everything they were doing to you. I began putting clues together though when I saw some really odd things happen.”

“Like when they threatened me,” Kate whispers.

“Or burned our apartment,” the imposter spits.

“Or moved you every couple of weeks,” Kate adds.

“Your friends were very persistent in locating you. The project lead saw the project was close to being compromised and finally moved you to a different location,” Ethel continues. “When that happened, they also changed all non-essential personnel, which included me. By that time I had figured out something was really wrong with the program and hunted down these two.”

“How long… how long ago did that happen?”

The three fall silent and both Kate and not-my-Chloe turn their heads away. Not before I see their faces twist in a way I don’t recognize. It’s a long time before anyone answers. “Six months ago is when they moved you,” fake Chloe finally says and her words are so soft I barely catch them. “You were at a… fake University for eight months. That’s where Kate and I first tried rescuing you.”

The imposter Chloe looks at me with her sad eyes and says, “When they couldn’t stop us, they moved you to a different location. It took us six months to figure out where you were. That’s where you were this morning.”

_Fake University? Experiments? Locations?_ My mind whirls with the unbelievable things they are telling me. The only question I can form though is: “Who are… they?”

“We don’t know the exact name of the group,” Ethel says, “but they are part of a research firm for either a private company or the government. Someone with a lot of money and powerful connections.”

“Why would this… research firm want me?”

Uncomfortable silence greets my question. Finally, sham Chloe clears her throat and says, “because you can control time.”

“What?”

“It’s true, Max,” Kate says and there is such sadness in her voice it makes my heart weep.

_I can control time?_ I don’t know what to make of that revelation. A finger strokes the back of my hand, a light touch quickly withdrawn. But my hand continues to tingle in a strange way where she touched it. I look at imitation Chloe. “It was… complications with your power that caused us, me to take you to the group.”

No matter what I think of this woman next to me who calls herself Chloe, there is no doubt in my mind she blames herself for something that happened. _But how do I trust her? How do I trust these people that stole me from my home and claim to be my friends?_

My life is upside down. There’s an emptiness that spreads from before my waking up this morning, and that emptiness frightens me. _Without those cards in my room, would I have been in bed when these people came for me? What will happen tomorrow when I wake up?_

Blonde hair and grey eyes fill my vision and the scent of strawberries fill my nose. Chloe. She loves me and cares for me. And now, she’ll be heartbroken that I’m gone. An ache sits inside me that longs for her presence, her touch. My eye sight blurs as I think of Chloe not able to find me. _She’ll be so scared and worried!_ I swipe fingers across my eyes.

I’m too confused and fall into silence. While we spoke and I thought, the car had left the freeway. We now drive on a winding two lane highway. It goes between hills and mountains. Trees block much of the view to either side.

Minutes later, I lean away from the window. Outside, the trees no longer stand. Instead, they lay upon the ground in pieces. A hand squeezes mine, but I barely notice. An uneasy sense of familiarity assaults my mind as the ruined landscape consumes the world around us. I’ve seen this landscape before. In my nightmares.

_Murderer!_

The words flashes through my mind and I flinch. “You aren’t a murderer,” a voice whispers in my ear. I know it’s the girl that claims to be Chloe.

“How… how do you know that’s what I was thinking? Are you able to read minds,” I ask in a broken voice.

“That’s part of the complications,” faux Chloe answers. Her own voice is choked and hoarse. I look at her and she has tears in her eyes. And I realize they are tears for me. My finger brushes the bottom of her eye, freeing some of the tears to trickle down her cheek.

“Why do you cry,” I ask, but all she can do is look at me with a sadness that breaks my heart. I don’t know who she is, her name means nothing to me. The way she looks at me, though, she knows something about me. Something she fears.

My gaze turns back to the broken landscape outside. The car no longer runs upon a smooth road, instead we’re on a rough track split with rocks and debris. Ethel drives carefully, avoiding things that could stop us or damage the car. Far to the right I see a fence that we appear to be following.

“Whoever runs the project also got this place quarantined,” Kate says. “There’s a place further along that we can get through.”

Minutes later, the car slows to a stop and I look ahead. The fence is closer to the rough track we drive upon. We get out of the car and I take a moment to look around. My mind tells me it looks like a bomb went off. Not only are the trees broken in pieces on the ground, great chunks of earth are torn up from their roots.

Kate cames to me and touches my arm. She flicks her head to the side where I see Ethel and the imposter standing. “Come on,” she says, and gently nudges me in their direction. Reluctantly, I follow them. It’s surreal walking in this place of broken life. Very little grows and there are no cries from animals, or sound from anything really. Our shoes crunching on the track and gravel is very loud.

After a five minute walk, Ethel points to the fence and I see a hole in it. We walk up the short rise, stoop, and duck through the fence. The land on this side of the fence is the same, ruin as far as I can see. We walk up the rise some ways before we turn and walk parallel to the fence.

“Why is this place sealed off?”

No one answers my question. After a long walk, we return to the road. To my right, in the far distance, I see what may be a gate in the fence. There’s movement, suggesting people are around it. Ethel turns left to follow the road and we follow. After another five minutes, the road ends in ruin. The pavement is upended and scattered.

All around are broken trees, large stones torn from the earth, and destruction. “What caused this,” I ask.

“A storm,” Kate answers. She gestures to the right and I follow her arm. Among the broken trees I see the ruins of a house set back from the road. “That’s where I used to live,” she says. “My parents and one of my sisters died in the storm. Lynn, my youngest sister, and I managed to get out in time.”

The news hits me like a blow and I stumble backwards. _I’ve been here before_. For a moment all is dark and cold and loud. I lick my dry lips and force out the words, “Take me… take me to the beginning.”

With pained looks, Kate and other Chloe glance at each other. The imposter takes my hand and starts following the ruins of the road. Kate takes up my other hand. Behind us, I hear Ethel following.

We walk for an hour surrounded by destruction. Various skeletons litter the landscape along with broken rocks and split trees. Cars that had been traveling the highway during the storm are wrapped around remains of trees, stones, or other cars. Some still have dead bodies inside in various states of decay and I wonder about that. Scattered throughout are small plants and shrubs, creating spots of green amidst the brown of destruction. Nature, taking back its own.

“How long ago did this happen,” I ask.

“Three, almost four years,” counterfeit Chloe answers.

_Murderer._

The fraudulent Chloe squeezes my hand.

We top a rise and stop. Before us I see the Pacific Ocean (how do I know the name?), with a bluff jutting into the water. Near its base, ruined buildings thrust from the earth, jagged and sharp. My breath comes in a hiss as I recognize the place. I’ve been there in my nightmares, both waking and asleep. The name of the town, so long hidden from me, comes to me like a slap. Arcadia Bay.

I collapse to my knees as out of nowhere sound and fury assault me! My hands cover my ears, my head, seeking to stop it.

Around me a storm rages, a cleansing force against the evil that walks the earth. Two halves of a photograph fly in its wake, a decision that saves one, only to bring destruction and death to innocent and guilty alike.

I did this. It was my storm. I caused it. I caused their deaths. _Murderer_!

They dance through my mind, names and faces of those I killed. People I thought forgotten. Joyce. Warren. Frank. Pompidou. Officer Barry. Dana. Juliet. So many, many more. The faces and names are endless as they crowd my mind. They didn’t deserve what I brought upon them! They had no choice. But I did. I had a choice, and I chose their death.

Anger and grief overwhelm me and I scream. They parade around me, the dead sent to torment the one who killed them. It’s their voices I hear in my head, in my heart. _Murderer! Killer! Stealer of life!_

I’m tearing at my hair. _I have to hurt myself._ Where that thought comes from, I don’t know. But I know it’s true. I have to hurt myself, like I hurt so many. It’s the only way for things to balance out. There’s an ache in my mind and body, an ache that demands pain. My hands are scrambling for something, anything, that I can use to smash against me! _I need to hurt! It’s all I deserve, all that I am!_

Hands close upon mine and I fight them. I scream at their attempt to restrain me. My grief and hatred tears through me and I fight hard. But there are too many of them! They grab my hands and arms, pinning them to my side.

My tears of anger and grief turn to those of frustration as I’m denied the only thing I’m worthy of. I beg them to let me go. Beg them to let me hurt myself. “Please,” I say, “it’s the only way! It’s the only thing I deserve!”

But they don’t listen and they don’t let go.

“Please hurt me,” I beg, “please hurt me! I can’t take this! Do to me what I’ve done to you!” Only hugs and low words I don’t understand answer my request. I whimper and cry as I’m denied the one thing I want. The one thing I deserve.

When my senses return, I’m sitting on the ground, covered in dirt. Both Kate and fake Chloe have their arms around me. They too are covered in dirt, and more. I see some blood speckled on their clothes and a grim satisfaction comes to me knowing I caused it. I hope it’s my blood because I’m the only one that deserves to bleed. The only one that deserves pain.

They are both crying and I wonder why. Surely I’m not worth crying over. Me, who heartlessly killed thousands in Arcadia Bay. Me, who considered their lives as nothing. No one should mourn me or my pain. I am less than nothing. A killer of all that is good. And why did I do it?

Why did I do it?

And I remember.

Chloe. I see her, blonde hair and grey eyes, standing against the storm. Her long hair blows in the wind. Behind her the storm swirls and increases in intensity as it bears down on the town. The wind blows her tears away as fast as they can fall. “This town… it’s taken everything from me! Even you! But… you came back and showed me what it’s liked to be loved.” Her voice is filled with pain and anguish. “Now… now it wants to take me too.”

“No, Chloe,” I say and my resolve hardens. “I won’t let it!”

Her eyes widen at my words and she pushes her blowing hair aside. “You would do this,” she says in wonder and awe. “You would save me?”

“I would,” I say and my hand reaches out to touch her face. “I will always choose you.”

Who wouldn’t kill to protect the ones that they love?

I throw my head back and laugh and it’s a terrible thing.

Kate and fake Chloe stiffen as my laugh splits the air. Their faces look at mine and their horrified looks intensify my laughter. It’s a wonderful thing to see their fear and revulsion! I laugh again just to see them shrink from me.

Then the mood passes and the laughter dies. _What am I doing?_

My mind spins into a new direction where my heart grieves over the loss of life. Joyce. Sarah. The Marshes. I look at the two women and mourn for their loss. I destroyed their lives, as well as those who they love. All that was good in their lives, I took from them. And I continue to take it from them.

Revulsion and fear fight on their faces over my recent reaction. That pales compared to what I cost them three years ago. My head drops and I push myself to my feet, out of their grasp. _They shouldn’t touch me and cause themselves more pain._

I force myself to gaze at the remains of the town, my legacy. People used to live there. Families. Friends. Animals. Rich and poor, healthy and sick, everyone received equal treatment at my hands. My killer’s hands.

Kate and fake Chloe stand and keep their distance. Kate looks at the imposter and her face is turned downward. “This is what you meant, isn’t it,” she asks. “This is what you lived with for two years.”

Faux-Chloe doesn’t answer her. She turns to look at me. She wants to touch me, I can tell. But she doesn’t. “Don’t,” I whisper.

My gaze returns to the monument of my evil. I’m sure I was good and wholesome once. Now? _Now, I’m fit for nothing._

“We were never able to fully help her,” Ethel says as she comes nearer. She’s talking about me, I guess. “But looking back, that’s never what Doctor Smith intended. He only wanted a way to control her, to use her.” _Why does she talk about me like I’m not here?_

“Why does he want to control me,” I demand. She looks at me now, but she can’t meet my eyes. The skin of her cheeks darkens.

“He wanted to either find a way to reproduce your ability to control time, or control your ability itself. While he failed at the first part, he succeeded at the second.”

“Succeeded? How?”

She looks down and says, “We really should go. I’m not positive that necklace is the only way they have to track her. It’s a long walk back to the car and they do regular patrols.”

“How did they succeed?” I move close to her, where she can’t ignore me. “Tell me!”

Imposter Chloe steps to my side and says, “I agree with Doctor Iturralde. We need to get back to the car. She can explain while we walk.” Then she does the unthinkable. She takes my hand in hers. I shrink away from her touch, but she doesn’t let go.

“Come on, Mad Max,” she says with a half-hearted smile. “We need to keep you safe and away from whoever they send after us.”

Kate comes up, but doesn’t touch me. She nods in agreement with Chloe-who-isn’t. “Fine,” I say, “Let’s go.” I don’t try to hide my exasperation. My unanswered question hangs in the air.

“Let’s just say that Doctor Smith had access to some very experimental hightech stuff, including experimental pharmaceuticals,” the Doctor says as we begin walking. The town ruins disappear behind us, but lives on in my nightmares. “Your memory lapses, those reminder cards, that pool with the heavy liquid, all of it was part of remaking who you are.

“Even your personality is different. You’re more aggressive than when you started. Although I’m sure that was an unintended side-effect. Having you docile and easily managed would make you more useful to him.”

“What do you mean, pool with liquid and remaking me?”

“There were a lot of different treatments and first. One was similar to a sensory deprivation chamber. You’d strip down to your underwear and we’d affix a number of sensors to you. Then you’d go into a pool of warm liquid and float there. I think the Doctor used those sessions to map out your brain in an attempt to figure out how your power worked.”

“I still don’t believe I can control time.”

She doesn’t contest that statement. Not-Chloe does though. “I do,” she says, “I’ve seen you do it. Whether it’s predicting something will happen, or changing where you are in a room, you can control time.”

I shake my head, still agitated by the events of the day. “You’re wrong. If I could control time, do you think I would be here with you? You took me from my home, the only place I know. You stole me from Chloe, my Chloe! If I could control time, I’d undo this whole damn day!”

My words land in a way I could have never imagined. Her hand slips from mine as she stops walking. I look at her and her face is twisted in pain and anguish. She begins to shake and sway as her hands hide her face. They drop immediately and her face is hard and fiery. She takes a step with her hand raised when suddenly Kate is between us!

Kate whispers in her ear, words I can’t hear. Wannabe Chloe’s shoulders slump and her hand falls. Kate shoots me a haunted look before she takes the other girl in her arms and holds her. Fake Chloe is shaking in her arms and her head is buried in Kate’s shoulder.

Next to me, Ethel whispers, “Doctor Smith is really good if he’s got you thinking someone else is your Chloe.” She nods at the blue haired woman who’s trying to keep herself together. 

“That woman has gone through hell and more to get you out of their control. And from what she told me, she went through more than hell before she brought you to us.”

Kate holds her tight and whispers in her ear. The scene is so real, so visceral, how can I deny this woman feels something for me? _How do you fake that anguish?_

At the same time, I remember the softness of my Chloe’s lips against mine. I see her smiling in my parent’s garden. I hear her telling me stories of our childhood together, of exploring the woods around my parents house. I smell her.

“They look similar. Both are tall and slender, with faces that live their emotions.” I’m speaking to the air, not caring who hears.

The ruined landscape amplifies her grief. The land is as broken as her heart. My own heart is torn and can’t decide what is real and what isn’t. When it’s too much, I turn my back on them and focus on what I can’t see. Cool grey eyes and warm arms that combat the energetic blue-haired woman behind me.

We eventually begin walking again, in strained silence. My mind is occupied by what Ethel said. Kate keeps possibly-Chloe away from me.

Many of my memories are less than a day old, and I’m in a world of chaos and confusion. _How can I trust anyone? Will these memories be gone tomorrow?_

“How did we first meet,” I ask, my eyes searching out the other Chloe. She wipes her nose with the back of her hand, then rubs it on her pants.

“It was a rainy day at school and they mixed the first graders and kindergarteners together in the gym for recess,” she says in a strained voice. “I saw you off in a corner, playing by yourself.” She laughs, and it’s both bitter and happy.

“Saw you. I didn’t really see you. You were hiding behind a stack of tables. There were too many kids running around the gym for you. You wanted someplace peaceful so you climbed behind a stack of tables where no one else could find you.

“I saw you do that but didn’t tell the teachers. I wanted to know what you were doing. When I got there, you had your little backpack in front of you, with some toys pulled from it and were playing with them. As I slid down the stack, I said, ‘Hey, you-’”

“-like pirates too,” I finish. “You wore a little blue shirt with a cute little pirate face on it, with an eye patch. The shirt was the same color your hair is now.”

She takes quick steps to come to my side and gently takes my arm. “You remember,” she breathes and there is such joy in her voice!

I shake my head. “My… the other Chloe had a similar story that I also remember.”

“Oh.”

“Tell me about the storm and getting my powers.”

She’s silent for a moment. “Is this another comparison,” she asks.

I shake my head. “No, I don’t think so. I don’t recall talking about the storm. I don’t know if she’s even aware of it. It’s not a memory I could access before you brought me here. Even now there’s only fragments. She thinks I lost my memory in an accident, at least that’s the story she repeats.” _How do I remember that?_

Her hand slips into mine and this time I notice how well our hands fit together. My hand automatically turns in a way to hold hers, like a long lost companion.

“You came back to Arcadia Bay to study Photography. One day while in the girl’s restroom at school you witnessed someone shooting me. It freaked you out, and… you rewound time and stopped it. It set events in motion we didn’t understand. Weird weather, like snow when it’s not supposed to. Mass animal deaths also occurred. At the end of the week a massive hurricane appeared off the coast.

“We… you and I decided all that happened because you saved me from dying. You had a choice: return through time to the restroom and let me die, or stay with me and let the storm crash into Arcadia Bay.”

I nod and see the car come into view. “It’s easy to guess what my decision was.”

“No,” she says and I look at her, but she’s not looking at me. “Your first choice was to go back to the restroom. But… you saved me again, and I think you left yourself a note. Your intent was for you to make different decisions throughout the week in the hope the storm wouldn’t happen. But the storm did happen.”

We’re at the car now and we climb in. Ethel starts the car and turns it around while we buckle up. “So, what happened,” I ask when it’s clear maybe-Chloe doesn’t want to continue.

“When the storm returned, you decided not to return to the bathroom. You chose me instead. The death of the town… did something to you. I think seeing that destruction would change any one.”

The events of the last few hours play over and over in my mind as we drive. Chloe, if that’s who she is, holds my hand. My eyes look at the window, not seeing the landscape as it passes.

The others talk but I pay them no mind. Confusion fills me over what’s happened. Could-be-Chloe and Kate feel right, but I can’t reconcile some of their words with what little memory I have. Except for the devestation of Arcadia Bay. Somehow I know that is real and that I’m the cause of it.

The story about the storm may be a convenient tale to allay me. I have no way to verify anything they say. Any memory I may have of them, the storm, or destruction is gone, vanished in the haze of my amnesia.

“Shit,” Doctor Iturralde says as we crest a hill. We’re traveling rather fast on the highway and ahead of us cars block the road. Lights flash on their roofs and there are strange brown vehicles around them. A lot of people wearing uniforms and holding what I think might be guns are behind the vehicles.

The Doctor applies the brakes and the car comes to a screeching halt. She changes gears and swears again. “They’ve cut us off from behind,” she says.

She and the others leave my mind as I see who’s waiting on the other side of the vehicles. Before anyone knows it, I’m out of the car and running! People behind me shout, people ahead of me shout, but there’s only one thing that matters right now.

Straight ahead is Chloe, my Chloe! Even behind the cars I can see her hands are clenched in worry. Behind her stand my parents. I dodge a car and run straight into her arms, my sight so blurry it’s a wonder I make it. We’re both crying and we collapse into each other.

“Oh my god,” she cries as she clutches me to her. “I thought I’d never see you again, Max! I was so scared!”

Ryan and Vanessa crowd us, trying to hug me, but I only have eyes and arms for Chloe. Her scent wraps around me in a comforting embrace. I kiss the tears from her face, so happy to be with her that I can’t speak.

My mind drags me back to reality, and reminds me that there are others to pay attention to. With great reluctance, I let go of Chloe. I turn, my arm around Chloe’s waist and hers around mine. The three women are out of the car, their hands on its roof. Even from this distance the look I see on the other Chloe’s face is devastating.

A profound sadness moves me forward a step and I place my hand on Doctor Smith’s arm. “Please,” I say, “don’t hurt them. They… they meant no harm. They just wanted to show me something. I’m safe now, with my girlfriend and parents. That’s what’s important, isn’t it?”

He looks at me, his eyes and face inscrutable. After a moment, he sighs and says, “you’re right, Max. We won’t do anything to them.” He gives me a smile and squeezes my shoulder. “That’s very mature of you.”

Holding a bullhorn to his mouth he speaks into it. “Max has convinced me to let you go. I do so with a warning: if there is a next time, I won’t be so forgiving. Now leave.”

The three climb into their car slowly, the blue-haired Chloe last. The look she gives me is pained, a look of betrayal. I shudder and Chloe puts her arms around me. My hands cling to hers as the car drives away.

I’m with my Chloe, the girl I love. I’m back to where I feel safe. _Why does this feel so wrong?_


	7. Goodbye

My eyes open to the dimness of morning light. A faint scent of strawberries lingers in the air. Chloe! A smile tugs at my face and I give in to it. I turn on my side and find a blonde haired beauty sleeping next to me.

Her mouth is slightly open and she looks so cute with the way her lips move a little in her sleep! I reach for her, and pull myself close. She opens her eyes at my touch, her grey eyes clouded by sleep.

“Morning, Max,” she says. Max Caulfield. That’s my name. That certainty fills me as I kiss her cute ear. I’m feeling a bit frisky and slip my hand under her shirt. She catches it with a sad little smile. “Sorry, babe,” she says, “I… I’m not really up for that this morning.”

Sadness fills me, matching her smile, but I respect her wishes. “Are cuddles ok,” I ask and she nods. I pull myself tight against her. She’s laying on her back, and I’m on my side tucked against her. We fit together like puzzle pieces and I wonder if we can stay like this all day.

A pressure from my bladder says no. I delay it as long as I can, but finally, I slip from the covers into the cool morning air and go to the restroom. I read the cards inside as I use the toilet then wash my hands. When I return to the bedroom, Chloe is gone. An emptiness opens inside me, stealing the moments of happiness I had.

Instead of returning to bed like I wanted, I follow the instructions on the cards. Ater a refreshing shower, I put on the warm clothes waiting for me on my bed. Chloe must have set them out for me. I move to the full length mirror to complete my bedroom ritual. Next to it is a picture of Chloe and I, with her arm around my neck and her chin on my shoulder. It brings a smile to my face and a thrill to my heart. I kiss my finger and touch it to Chloe’s face.

The cards lead me to my door, then down a hallway into a large room. Kitchen, dining and living area all occupy the space. Chloe is dressed for the day, tucked into the corner of the couch. Her hands are wrapped around a steaming mug. “There’s fresh coffee in the pot,” she says when she spots me. “Grab yourself a mug and come join me.” The hint of a smile plays around her face as she speaks.

A silver urn is on a counter with a coffee mug and sugar container next to it. It’s a matter of a few moments for me to prepare my mug then make my way to her. I tuck myself into her side like she’s tucked into the couch. She wraps an arm around me and I snuggle closer.

The only sounds are our breathing and sipping. There are no signs of my parents or anyone else. _So much for that reminder card._ “Have you seen my parents?”

“They’re doing something in the back of the house.”

We sip our liquid breakfasts in silence with my head resting on her shoulder. Much like our time in bed, I want this moment to stretch into eternity. But I’m the one to break the moment. “What do you want to do, today,” I ask when my cup is half empty.

She doesn’t answer and I look up at her. Her brows are furrowed and her eyes are focused on something I can’t see. When she sees my look, she gives a little smile. “What would you think of going to town,” she asks, “maybe walk around the parks, eat at one of the cafes?”

“Have we done that before,” I ask. It’s an honest question because I wouldn’t remember if we did that even yesterday.

“No,” she says. “We’ve spent most of our time around the house. I respect that for you, every day is new, every repeated thing is a new discovery. I… I need a little variety, Max. Is that ok?”

I turn and kiss her. “Yes, love,” I say. _Did she frown a little when I said that?_ “I’m sorry. I should have paid more attention to what you like, your interests and what you want to do. I…” My voice trails into silence, uncertain what I should say. _How can I really care for someone, when I don’t know what happened yesterday? _That thought sends a sharp jolt through me.

A tear trickles down one of her cheeks and I gasp. “Chloe! What’s wrong?”

“Oh, Max,” she says, and puts her face into her hand. “You… care for me so much, and you… you are the best girlfriend I could ever ask for.”

I put my mug on the nearby table and turn so I can pay full attention to her. My hand caresses her cheek as worry and confusion replaces the comfort I felt moments ago. “I’m sorry for not noticing sooner that you needed something different.”

She looks at me and I can’t read her expression. “Max,” she breathes, “I don’t expect that. You can’t remember what happened yesterday. How would you know from one day to the next what I need or how to help me? How to help me be happy…”

She shakes her head, “No. That’s why I’m telling you. Let me wash my face and we can go. I’ve already told your parents. They’re fine with it.”

“You’ll be alright?” I say, worried at this sudden change in her. An insatiable desire to do whatever is needed to bring her happiness grabs me and won’t let go. “Getting away from the house and spending time in town will help you? If you need something else, please let me know so I can help you!” I’m almost pleading, I’m so consumed with making her feel better.

She smiles and it’s so sad my heart hurts. _Why isn’t she happy? Why aren’t I making her happy?_ “You’re the best,” she says, and kisses me lightly on the lips. “Now, let’s go get cleaned up.”

Chloe goes to the guest bath, while I go to the one in my bedroom. My heart is so heavy within me I expect it to crash to the floor. I splash water on my face, dry it, then look at my reflection. “You need to do a better job at being a girlfriend, Caulfield,” I whisper. “You aren’t the only person in this deal. Chloe is as important as you, and you need to act more like her partner.”

My reflect looks at me sternly to match my words. I waggle my finger at it, then shut off the light and leave.

Minutes later, we’re out the door and getting into the car. She opens the garage door before starting the car. We back out slowly and I’m filled with a pensive nervousness. Deep within I know this is a change to my routine and I feel like I’m walking on glass. Any moment, I expect my world to crack and fall apart, dropping me into the unkown. Beyond the driveway is a world I’ve never experienced. I don’t know its rules or expectations. But I’ll have Chloe with me, and with her by my side I can face anything! _And this trip is for Chloe! Not me! Be her strength, Max!_

Chloe smiles at me and squeezes my hand. Then, we’re on the road and my worries melt away as I discover an entirely new world! She smiles at my exclamations over things that are mundane to her. The ducks and ducklings that cross the road. I roll down the window to listen to them quack and grab her arm as I squee over their cuteness. The pond with tall reeds around it with cows drinking from it. And many other things. She never tells me to be quiet. Each discovery and excited description is met with a warm smile that doesn’t reach her eyes.

The trip to town takes around fifteen minutes and all my discoveries make it go by quickly. My head whirls with an overload of scenes when we drive by buildings and trees and people to park in an empty spot next to a tree-lined park surrounded by little shops and cafes. We get out and she slings a backpack over her shoulders.

For a while, I can’t move. Sights and smells and sounds I could never imagine pummel my mind removing my ability to think and move. She waits patiently for me to take it all in. “It’s amazing, isn’t it?” She asks with a grin. “A world you’ve never explored, never imagined, only minutes away from your house.”

“It’s…” words escape me and I tell her that. “Can we come here again tomorrow? Why haven’t we come here before?” I’m so distracted by everything that I don’t notice her lack of response.

She hooks her arm in mine, points across the street, and says, “Let’s start there.”

The first shop is filled with clothing and small plush toys. My fingers have to touch everything, to experience the sensations that hide within the store. We spend a long time in there. Even though the trip is for her, she looks at me in a way that touches my heart, like she wants to savor each moment and treasure it forever.

We spend the morning exploring and finding little kitschy items in the shops that make us laugh. She convinces me to try on some clothes at a small boutique, and purchases a new pair of jeans and several pairs of t-shirts for me. She decides I also need a new backpack and buys one for me.

As we go through the stores, she finds other things to purchase and my new backpack starts filling up. The experience is very strange for me. I don’t have money of my own to purchase anything for her and I feel bad about that. She smiles and gives me a gentle kiss and hug when I finally tell her that. “Oh, Max,” she says with her sad smile. “I’m so glad I got to know you. Please, never stop being you.”

Her words confuse me and I don’t know what to say. Then she’s laughing and leading me by the hand to a little cafe. She orders food for us to go and we take it to a table and chairs in the park. We eat and laugh and enjoy each other’s company. I love the way the sunlight brings her hair to life with a golden glow. I love her laugh and the way it makes her eyes sparkle.

“I love you,” I whisper and a troubled look crosses her face. A smile quickly replaces it, but there is a hint of strain to the smile.

She clears away the trash and says, “how about some ice cream?” She leads me with a bright grin, pulls me really, through the park to an ice cream stand where she orders two cones, both chocolate-dipped. I hold my concoction at a distance and look at it doubtfully, uncertain of it. It’s so cold and I don’t remember eating ice cream.

She shows me how to eat the cone, laughing when I get some on my nose. For her, it’s an opportunity to kiss my nose which sends flutters through me. I want to wrap my arms around her and show her my love, but the ice cream prevents that.

Her laugh now is tinged with sadness and I don’t understand. She’s doing all these wonderful things for me and we should be happy, but she’s not. And that brings me down. I thought coming here and doing these things would bring her happiness. _Why isn’t she happy? What did I do? _“Is this working?” I ask finally, “coming to town, shopping and other things? Is it giving you what you need?”

Instead of answering, she laughs and hooks her arm into mine. She guides us through the park, following a winding path among the trees and plants. Our ice cream cones are held in our free hands.

“You should always have ice cream, Max,” she says after taking another bite. “No matter where you go, you should always stop to enjoy a nice chocolate-dipped cone.” We finish our cones and throw the wrappers away. We’re still in the park, surrounded by flowers and trees and she takes me into her arms.

She leans close, peering into my eyes, and kisses the tip of my nose. My heart speeds up at her closeness. “Promise me you’ll remember this,” she whispers.

“I… I can’t,” I say and a great sadness fills me, because I know that’s true. “Tomorrow I’ll wake up and this memory will be gone.”

Her eyes glisten and she nods. “Then I’ll remember for us,” she says and her voice is choked. She pulls me close, hugging me so tight it drives all the air from me. And she doesn’t let go.

“What’s going on,” I ask when when we finally separate. A tear trickles down one of her cheeks. “Why are you crying?”

Her answer is to take my hand and lead me down the meandering path through the park. We’re among the trees and flowers and bushes and everything should make me delight in new discoveries, but her sad smile wipes out all the cheer and joy that exists in me. It pulls at her face and my heart. She doesn’t speak as she leads us, only flashes me little looks that I can’t read.

We’re far away from the cafe and ice cream stand and car, but she keeps pulling. Toward us comes a woman, walking brisk with black stretch pants and a bright blue jacket. Dark glasses hide her eyes, though in the park the sunlight is hidden by the tress. A plain baseball cap covers her hair. As we near her, Chloe stops and looks at me. “I’m sorry,” she says.

The woman stops within arms reach of us. “I wish,” Chloe says with a great sigh, “I wish so many things, but most of all… I wish this had never happened to you.” She takes off her backpack and hands it to the woman. “Everything you need is in there,” Chloe says to her.

“What’s going on,” I ask again. My voice is rising in pitch, fed by anxiety.

Chloe ignores me. “Are they ready? Are they nearby?” The woman nods and beckons us to follow her.

Something sinks inside me and my chest tightens as Chloe turns to follow the woman, leading me after her. I try to resist, pulling on her hand, but she’s focused and I can’t stop her. Again I ask, though my throat is so tight it hurts, “What’s going on?”

“You need to know some things,” Chloe says as we walk. “I never meant to hurt you. I know intent doesn’t mean jack shit when the outcome proves otherwise, but I truly didn’t know what I was getting into.”

Her words confuse me. With all the strange activities happening, and her words, it’s like my world is both exploding and collapsing and I’m scrambling to hold on. My grip tightens on her arm.

Ahead of us is a minivan. As we approach it, the side door opens. The woman we follow goes to the other side and gets into the front passenger seat. We stop at the side door. There are two other people in the car. Directly opposite me is a woman with blue hair and blue eyes.

“Max,” Chloe says and I look at her. Her fingers come up to stroke my cheek. “My name isn’t Chloe, it’s Jess, and I’m not your girlfriend. Though after the past few months, I really wish I was, though… I’m not worthy of you. I’ll never…” She shakes her head as if to clear it.

“What are you saying,” I protest and my world is slipping away.

She points into the car, at the blue haired woman. “That’s your girlfriend, that’s Chloe. The real Chloe. The reason I’m not in your thirteenth birthday picture isn’t because your parents were mad at me or disgusted at our being gay! It’s because the other girl in the picture is her!”

“I lied, Max, I lied!” Tears flow freely down her face and I don’t understand her words. Her voice is choked as she speaks. “And I hurt you so much!”

“You are my girlfriend, Chloe,” I protest. “I love you! You’re always there for me! You haven’t hurt me! You’ve helped me! So much with my memory problems, guiding me each day. I feel I’m getting better because of you!” I raise my hand to touch her face, to reassure her, but she grabs it and keeps it away from her.

Her head shakes vigorously. “No, I’m an actor, paid to play this part by Doctor Smith! And those people you think are your parents? Also actors. Your life here has been nothing but an elaborate lie to control you!

“I’m so sorry, Max. Please don’t forgive me. I don’t deserve it, not after what I did.”

My head shakes also, refusing to believe what I’m hearing. It’s so outrageous it has to be a trick. A mean, horrible trick!

“Max,” she whispers and it commands my attention. “You need to go with them. You need to get in the car and go with them.”

“No. I won’t leave you!”

She draws close to me, her face so close to mine I feel its heat and her breath. “You must. You aren’t safe here. Not with me, not with your parents. And certainly not with Doctor Smith. Leave, Max.”

I’m falling and there’s no one to catch me.

My mind is far away and my body doesn’t know what to do. She gently pushes at me, helps me into the car and on the seat. Fog clouds my mind. I don’t resist or say anything. I’m confused and empty and exploding and feeling and it’s all too much! She doesn’t look at me the entire time.

“Chloe,” I say but she shakes her head.

“My name is Jess,” she says in a voice not her own.

“Please don’t send me away,” I beg, “I’m sorry for whatever I did. Please take me back! We can do more things like you want to do! Please, Chloe, don’t send me away!” But she doesn’t answer me. Tears stream down her face and she avoids looking at me.

The driver’s window rolls down. “You should come with us,” the driver says. Chloe shakes her head.

“It’s not safe,” she says, her voice still broken and cracked. “They have trackers on me also. I disabled all of hers, at least all the ones I know about, but I don’t know which ones they put on me.”

“If you stay, they’ll likely kill you.”

_What! _“No! No! No!” I struggle from my seat, my body at last knowing what it needs to do.

She places hands on my shoulders, again keeping me from touching her. I try to speak, to convince her to stay or come with me. She shakes her head and repeats my name until I stop speaking.

“No, Max,” she whispers. “You need to go with them and I need to stay here.”

“No! Not if… not if… that means someone will kill you! I can’t lose you! I won’t! I won’t!”

Chloe smiles and it’s so sad but I lack the strength to resist and she gently guides me back to the seat. My heart is in pieces, as is my life. “That’s possible,” she admits. “After the things I did to you? Not forced to do, willingly did, I don’t know if I can live with myself.” She reaches across and fastens my seatbelt.

“Thank you,” comes a choked voice from my left. The blue haired woman.

Chloe ducks and peers into the van. She brushes my cheek again, then takes my right hand and places it on the hand of the woman to my right. “Max, I want you to meet Chloe. The real Chloe. Your girlfriend.” Her eyes drift to the other woman. “Take care of her, please?”

“You fuckin better believe I will!” Her voice is thick and tight also, but I barely notice with all my attention being on my girlfriend.

She steps back, taking her hand with her, and the door closes. The van starts and pulls away from the curb. She stays there, her eyes watching us go. “No,” I whisper. The van moves toward the main street. “No,” I say louder. “We can’t leave Chloe! We have to bring her with us!”

The others don’t say anything, but I think a sob comes from the front seats. I try to get out of the seatbelt but there’s something wrong with it and it won’t unlatch! “Chloe,” I cry and begin to hyperventilate. I turn in my seat, trying to find her. A hand touches mine and I hear a voice.

“Chloe, I’m sorry,” I cry louder and I can no longer see. The woman next to me says words I don’t understand. My heart is in my throat and everything is so tight. The world presses in even as it leaves me upon nothing.

“Chloe!”


	8. Cabin

I cry for Chloe until I can’t anymore. After that I slump in my seat, eyes staring into nothingness. I’m in a car with strangers and my girlfriend just abandoned me. And I don’t know why. My life is gone.

The van drives and no one talks. I like it that way because if one of them spoke I think I’d scream. One of them turns on music and through the misery of my existence I recognize it. The artist and song name evade me, but the words and the music come to me, though I don’t speak them.

The blue haired woman (I refuse to use the name Chloe told me she has), pulls my backpack over and opens it. She pokes at the contents a while, then zips it closed. She smiles at me and I turn away. It hurts too much.

We drive for a long time and I spend most of it holding myself together. I know at some point we’ll find some place to sleep and when I wake up I won’t know who I am or where I am. That thought alone causes panic to rise and it takes all I have to control it. I don’t want these people to see me lose it. I don’t know who they are, or what they want. I’m scared, so scared!

Hours later we come to a town where we pull into a parking lot of a restaurant. The others get out but I want to stay in the van. I’m tempted to run. To find someone and tell them I’m being kidnapped! That thought terrifies me.

Finally, with the others trying to gently coax me from the van, I tell myself that my girlfriend trusted them, so should I. The logic is weak and thinking of Chloe brings tears to my eyes. I swipe my hand across my face to hide the tears.

The restaurant has outdoor eating and the driver asks for a table far away from other people. That relieves me. It’s hard enough being with these people I don’t know. Crowding me with other people will make it worse.

I’m seated where I can look into a stand of trees and it reminds me of my parents. Sadness shoots through me and I look at the menu to distract myself. After the server takes our drink orders, the woman to my right puts her menu down and looks at me.

She smiles and even through my pain and turmoil it’s the sweetest thing. “This… is hard, for all of us, Max,” she says softly. “Most of all for you. I… want us to take this as slow as we can. There is a lot neither of us know about each other.” She takes the napkin as she speaks and places it on her lap, smoothing it into place.

“My name is Kate,” she says and looks at me with that smile. “You and I were good friends in our Senior year of High School. You helped me a lot, more… more than I can tell you right now.”

Kate looks at the driver, a brown skinned woman with green hair. “Next, is Ethel Iturralde, a… friend we made on the way.”

She smiles at the woman next to me. The one with blue hair. The one I can’t bring myself to look at. “And of course, there’s Chloe-”

“Please don’t use that name,” I interrupt. Just hearing my girlfriend’s name makes my heart pound. _I’m alone, all alone! She’s abandoned me! Gone!_ And my world has fallen apart. My hands are clutching and pulling at the table cloth. The decorative candle in the middle bounces as I pull the cloth.

“What name do you want me to use,” the blue haired woman asks.

I shake my head. “I don’t know,” I whimper as I try to hold back tears. “Just… not hers.” My shoulders are quivering and I want so much to hold someone. But the person I normally turn to left me behind.

A hand rests on my shoulder, the blue haired girl. She lightly rubs my shoulder and says, “this must be hella frightening for you, Max. Among strangers, the only person you knew leaving you. Like Kate said, this is hard and we want to take it slow this time.”

“This time,” I ask as she removes her hand.

“Six months ago,” Kate says, “we… broke into your parents house and took you. We had you with us all day until Doctor Smith caught us. That day was very traumatic and we made a lot of mistakes. You… returned to Doctor Smith, but not before we showed you where it all began.”

Her last words bring forth a sense of horror and destruction. An image of broken trees and destroyed buildings flashes through my mind. A name forms in my mind. “Arcadia Bay… you took me to Arcadia Bay.”

Kate sits back, her eye brows creeping up toward her hat. “You remember?”

“No,” I say and shake my head. “Not really. It’s hard to explain.”

Our drinks come and the server takes our food order. I bury myself in the unsweetened iced tea. It’s cool bitterness helps dispel the recalled dread. The server takes our food orders and I return my attention to the trees. I make myself reflect on what Chloe told me, because I know if I don’t, tomorrow I won’t remember and I don’t want her words to be futile.

She was paid to do something. _To be my girlfriend?_ That thought hurts and I quickly push it away. My parents are not my parents, but are also actors. Chloe said she did things to me, things she shouldn’t have done. _What did she do? And why would sending me with these people reconcile her actions?_

My pondering has made me drink all my tea and I need to use the bathroom. I rise with that explanation and walk off in search of it. A staff member points me the way and I thank her. Feet hurry after me and I glance back to see Kate.

“Afraid I’ll run away,” I whisper as she steps to my side.

She doesn’t answer immediately and I see her lips tighten. “The thought occurred to me,” I say, “but, honestly? That scares me more than being with you.”

Her face softens into a sad smile. We use the facilities and are washing our hands when she looks at me in the mirror. “What’s it like,” she asks.

I furrow my brow. “What is what like?”

“Not having memory of anything, of me or… our blue-haired friend.”

The restroom has paper towels, which makes me happy. It takes two to dry my hands. “I’m a stranger to myself,” I say while I dry. “I have to be reminded each day what my name is, who I am, where I am. There are times I know something and I don’t know why. Part of me questions why I should bother learning names and other things when it’ll be gone when I wake up tomorrow.”

She tentatively puts her hand on my shoulder, a light touch like a friend might give. “I’m sorry,” she says. “I helped convince her to get you in this project. If I’d known what would happen…” her hand falls away and she looks down.

It’s strange watching Kate. Her words tell me I should know more about her, that I should care for her. As she tries to regain control of herself, I feel nothing for her. No, that’s not right; I’m scared of her.

We return to the table to find our food has arrived. The others waited for us before eating. I seat myself and pick up my sandwich. Like often happens, the taste is a surprise for me. I umm and ahh over the taste, drawing amused looks from the others. I guess even in the midst of chaos I can find a little joy.

When done, the driver, Ethel, pays for our meal. They lead me from the restaurant and I pause once we are in the parking lot. The three kept up a steady conversation while we ate, discussing things that made little to no sense to me. Now that we’re away from the restaurant, they stop talking and head straight for the van. I hold back, torn between continuing this journey into the unknown and trying to get away.

Surely, Chloe will take me back, I just have to find a way to return to her! Once there I only need to find out what I did to her. I must have hurt her in some bad way that I’ve forgotten. If I write myself a note, that can remind me each day to find out what I did. She loves me right? She said so. If she loves me surely she’ll tell me what I did.

“What are you thinking,” the blue haired woman asks, shaking me from my thoughts. I look at her, refusing to acknowledge the name they want me to use for her.

“Nothing,” I say, not trusting her with my thoughts. The opportunity to get away vanishes and I’m back in the van. Ethel takes us back to the highway.

Once we’re well away from the town, Kate hands me a large, thick book. “Here,” she says, “Jess prepared this for you.” I take the book and set it on my lap. It appears to be a photo album. On the cover are written the words: **The True Life of Max Caulfield.**

Inside the cover is a note addressed to me:

Dear Max,

This book contains pictures and information about who you truly are. It took me a long time to create it. You need to know who you are, not who they want you to think you are. I’m sorry I was part of destroying your life.

\- Jess (fake Chloe)

My face scrunches into a frown as I read her message. How did she destroy my life?

All thought leaves me as I see the picture on the next page. Two girls stand, one with her arm around the other’s shoulders and showing the shaka sign. Party hats are on their heads. The text next to it states: **Chloe and Max, best friends forever at Max’s 13th birthday party**. There is no mistaking the girls, it’s me and the blue haired woman that sits next to me. Sure, her hair is blonde in the picture, but it’s definitely her.

My fingers touch the picture, tracing our smiles.

* * *

“This is an awesome party,” I say as Chloe picks up the plastic pirate sword. Behind us the other girls are playing board and video games. Most of them I know from school, but they aren’t really my friends. My mom made me invite them because we’re in the same grade. A party with just me and Chloe is what I wanted.

Chloe swishes the sword, neatly slicing the air. _What would she be like with a real sword?_

“It’s totally amazeballs,” Chloe agrees, before tapping me with the sword tip. “I’ve captured me a landlubber,” she says with a smile.

I move aside and grab my own sword. “Ye not be takin’ me that easily Cap’n Bluebeard,” I growl. She laughs and crosses swords with me. We battle, our swords weaving a pattern in the air as we thrust, dodge, parry, and slash. Playful banter in our best pirate jargon fills the air.

Our swordplay brings the other girls to us. All those eyes watching me makes me nervous and I almost miss her thrust. A wild parry knocks her sword aside, but she steps into my guard and taps me with the dagger she holds in the other hand.

“Looks like I caught me a li’l booty,” she drawls.

One of the girls laughs and says, “Little booty is right! Max will never have a booty, have you seen how skinny she is?” My face grows hot and my sword tip hits the floor, as does my smile.

Chloe steps closer and whispers in my ear, “Let’s show her what happens when you cross Cap’n Chloe Bluebeard and Long Max Silver!”

I give her a slight nod and my sword comes up. As one we turn on the group of girls and Chloe leads a charge into them. They run off shrieking and Chloe manages to swat several of them on the butt as they flee. In a moment, the room is empty and we’re both laughing.

She steps close to me, into my personal space. Normally that would freak me out, but this is Chloe and I welcome it. “Your li’l booty is more than enough for me,” she whispers.

* * *

The photo comes into focus, but the blush carries over from memory into reality. I turn my burning face to the blue-haired woman next to me. She studies me intently without expression. My mouth is dry and my tongue thick.

“I bought you a pirate charm bracelet for your thirteenth birthday,” she says. “That and a necklace were the only jewelry you ever wore.”

It takes a while, but I work some moisture into my mouth. “Did… did we do anything special at the… my party,” I ask, afraid of the answer.

She looks at me and tilts her head to the side. After a few moments a slow smile forms on her face. “Well, we chased the other girls with our pirate swords after one of them made fun of you.”

_This can’t be happening!_ I ask one more question. “What did you tell me was enough for you?”

She squirms in her seat and I see a little color enter her cheeks. “It was really cheesy,” she says. “I told you your li’l booty is more than enough for me.”

_No. No!_ My mind spins and my head floats free as her words filter into my mind. The memory was so real and now she’s confirmed it happened! _How can that be?_

My mind also has memories of Chloe, my Chloe. Dancing together at the school dance. Running through the woods around my parent’s house. Sneaking out after my parents went to bed. All those are real too.

I turn away from her, not wanting her to see the turmoil that churns behind my eyes. I latch onto the slim hope that tomorrow I’ll have forgotten this and won’t feel so confused and alone. Tomorrow I’ll just feel alone.

“Blue.” The word escapes me for no reason. Kate looks back, one eyebrow raised. Beside me the blue-haired woman asks, “What’s blue?”

“That’s what I’ll call you,” I say slowly. “I can’t… I’m a stranger in my own mind and you’re taking away the only anchor I have! I can’t call you by her name, even if it is your name. So, I’ll call you Blue.”

She nods, her movement as slow as my words. “That works,” Blue says and gives me a smile. It’s like the smile in the memory and I have to look away so it doesn’t capture me.

I close the book, not wanting to cause more disorientation, and set it on the floor. To distract myself I pull my backpack over and look through its contents. When Chloe and I were shopping (pain shoots through my heart) I didn’t pay much attention to what she was doing. Now I see she purchased me two complete changes of clothes, including several days worth of underwear, socks, and bras.

Tears cloud my eyes. _She planned this._ It wasn’t a spur of the moment decision to take me to town, to bring me to these people. She planned in advance and knew I’d need the basics. Before the tears can claim me, I zip closed the bag and push it away.

My life has been a lie and I don’t remember. I can’t remember. I’m walking a road I can’t see with people I don’t know. I bring my legs onto the seat and hide my face in my knees. _Please let this nightmare end!_

We travel through the rest of daylight into night. It’s hours later when the van stops. I lift my head from my knees, but I can’t see anything.

Ethel leaves the car and I see her shadowy shape walk through the dark, then disappear. A minute or two later, a light comes on illuminating a porch and house. Kate and Blue open their doors.

“Do you need some help, Max,” Blue asks. I shake my head, open my door and get out. After a moment’s hesitation, I grab my backpack and the book. The door closes automatically and I almost drop my stuff. “Whoa,” I exclaim, “That’s so cool! How did it do that?”

“Ethel has a remote for the doors,” Blue says with a yawn. I watch the door close the entire way and appreciate the satisfying click it makes. Blue follows me into the house, no a cabin! We’re at a cabin!

The reminder that I’m with people I don’t know and was abandoned by the only person I know cuts short my enthusiasm.

The interior is furnished, with chairs, a couch, table, and fireplace. It’s cozy without feeling crowded. “Your room is at the end of the hall, Max,” Ethel says, pointing into the kitchen. I see the entrance of a hall next to the fridge. _Just like my parents house!_

Kate turns on the hall light and beckons me. I walk down the hall with her following behind me. My room is bigger than the one at my parents. The bed is huge! Like my bedroom, this one has its own bathroom. I set my backpack on the bed and Kate sets hers next to it.

The bed is soft and I quickly lean back on it. Kate opens the backpack and starts pulling stuff out of it. “Are you staying in here with me,” I ask with confusion.

She smiles and shakes her head. “No, these are things to help you.” Blue comes in while she speaks and I sit up. Kate removes several bundles of familiar cards from the pack. Excited, I pick up a bundle. _She has my reminder cards!_

An indescribable relief and joy runs through me as I hold the cards. _Maybe things will be somewhat ok?_

Blue picks up a bundle also. “What do we do with these,” she asks. Kate hands her a roll of tape.

“They’re numbered,” Kate says. “We start next to the bed and tape them to the wall.” Ethel comes in and takes the bundle from my hands. Moments later all three are busy attaching the cards to walls. I back away until I’m pressed against the wall to the right of the bed.

I run to the first card when Blue moves away from it and touch it. My fingers touch the card like a long lost friend. I can’t read the words, my sight is too blurry. But for the first time in hours I feel like I can get my feet underneath me.

My fingers follow each card as it goes up. I want to hold all the cards, to hug them until they are a part of me! None of the others say anything as I go to each card and touch it. They say nothing about the tears on my cheeks when I turn to them.

“Thank you,” I say and my voice cracks.

Blue steps forward. “Thank Jess,” she says. “She did everything she could to take care of you.” I nod, my voice failing me and my head falls.

A light touch on my shoulder brings my head up again. “It’ll be ok, Max,” Blue says. I nod. “We’re here for you, no matter what you need.”

“Thanks.”

She nods and moves away. Seeing the photo album on my bed, she picks it up and sets it on the bedside table. Her fingers trace the letters on the cover. Kate and Ethel, now done placing the cards, leave the bedroom. “I’m sleeping outside your room,” Blue says, her eyes fixed on the book.

“Why? To keep me from running away?”

She gives me a sharp look that immediately softens. “No. You’re in an unfamiliar place. If you wake up in the night I want to be near to help you.” She pauses and steps close to me. Her hands move to take mine, but stop. I can feel their heat, her hands are so close. Her mouth opens, she wants to say something, but no words come out.

“Good night,” she finally says and moves toward the door.

“Wait!” Suddenly I don’t want to be alone, even if it means being with her. She looks at me, one eyebrow raised and wearing a slight smile. I look around, trying to find a reason for her to stay. When nothing I see helps, my shoulders slump and I say, “can you… stay, please? I don’t want to be alone.”

The smile she wears reminds me of the memory I had in the car, genuine and warm. “Anything for you, Max.” She walks over and seats herself on the bed. I’m lost again. With her so close, the person who has my girlfriend’s name, I suddenly don’t know what to do.

I sit on the bed, my back to her, and stare at the wall. The bed shifts as she leans on her side, propping her head with her hand. “You know,” she says slowly, ”you can ask me any question. I’m sure you have some.”

My eyes shoot toward her when she speaks, then I turn away. There’s only one question I want answered. “Why did Chloe send me away?”

Silence is my answer, and I look down. My hands are pressed between my legs. At this moment I want to curl into a ball and disappear.

“She didn’t send you away. She gave you back to us.”

Her words don’t make any sense. Chloe definitely sent me away. A hand brushes my shoulder and I look at her. “There are a lot of answers you deserve,” she whispers, “and many more I don’t know.” She twists herself until she’s sitting cross-legged on the bed. “Let me give you the short version of how we got here.”

She takes the pillow from under the blanket and places it on her lap. I turn to sit facing her. When she speaks, she looks at the pillow instead of me.

“Almost four years ago, you saved my life. Unfortunately, saving my life meant a lot of other people died. Their deaths weighed on you, tore you apart, changed you. You became… a different person, one who hated yourself. The only thing that mattered to you was me and keeping me alive.

“You started doing things that weren’t you, cruel things. It scared me. You were… uncontrollable. A Doctor promised he could help, so I entrusted you into his care.

“He didn’t help you though. Instead he changed you, made it so he could control you. He removed your memories of me and others and replaced them with other memories. He did things even crueler, things I can’t even mention. I tried to get you away from him, but failed several times.

“Six months ago Kate, Ethel, and I stole you from where you stayed. We had you all day. It was a hard day for all of us. Near the end of the day, Doctor Smith found us and… you ran back to him. Back to the person you were convinced was your girlfriend.”

“Chloe,” I whisper.

She nods. “Jess, who you know as Chloe, realized that she was involved in something harmful and no longer wanted part of it. She didn’t want to be part of a project that hurt you. A few days after your return, she contacted us and we made a plan. And now you’re here.”

“What happens now?”

Her hands pick at the pillow and she sighs. “We’re making it up as we go. We don’t know if your memory loss is permanent, or if the Doctor had to do something to keep it in place. I hope that if you stay away from him you’ll regain your memories.”

Those words roll around in my mind. _Someone removed my memories?_ I look at the cards. I pick out one that tells me I’m part of a medical project studying my amnesia. Only it no longer says that. It did this morning! I scan other nearby cards, but none of them mention amnesia or a project.

It hits me then, just how much effort Chloe… Jess put into getting me here, with these people. I get off the bed and go to one of the cards. My fingers touch it and I can barely read its words. The cards are hand written. Instead of talking about the project, they talk about the people I’m with now. I go from card to card, each harder to read than the last.

**Kate is a good friend who loves animals. She has a little sister, Lynn. She will be there for you, like you were for her.**

**Don’t be hard on yourself, Max. You will remember.**

**Chloe, the real Chloe, is the fiesty blue-haired girl that never stopped looking for you. She’ll crack jokes that make you groan, and make inappropriate comments to make you blush.**

**Kate and Chloe will support you. Ask them any questions.**

My head hits the wall. Card after card tell me about people I’ve never met before today. Cards that Chloe… Jess worked on for months. How did she get all the information?

_What happened the day I spent with them that I don’t remember? What did Chloe see?_ My hands turn into fists as frustration and anger course through me. Too many things I don’t know and can’t control crowd my mind.

A hand rubs my shoulder, but I don’t move. “It’s going to be ok, Max,” Blue says.

“No it’s not,” I whisper. “You don’t get it. I live day by day knowing that each morning I’ll have forgotten everything. I don’t even know myself. I’m scared, terrified, and confused.”

Her hand keeps rubbing my shoulder and finally I look at her. She wears a smile that I’ve never seen before. It’s soft and warm and inviting. “Do you still write,” she asks.

“What?”

“You used to keep a journal. Maybe if you did that again, it would help you. You could write down things you want to remember.”

That makes sense and I straighten up. “Yes, I want to do that!”

Her smile widens. “Wait here.” She brushes past me into the hall. When she returns, I’m sitting on the bed. “Here.” Blue hands me a black book and a pack of pens. “Write whatever you want. You used to doodle in them also.”

The pages of the journal are blank and beg to have words and pictures added. A smile creeps onto my face, the first since this morning. “Thank you,” I say, my fingers digging into the pack of pens.

“Before you begin,” she says, “I need your help with something.”

“What do you need help with?”

“Moving a chair by your door in case you need someone during the night.”

I set the journal and pens on the table and we leave the room. There’s a recliner in the living room that we shuffle into the hall close to my door. Blue grabs a blanket and pillow from another room and tosses them on the recliner. The others must already be asleep. The house is dark and quiet.

Blue climbs into the chair, still wearing her clothes, and wraps the blanket around her. “Good night,” she says.

I retreat to my bedroom and slowly close the door. Only a foot or two separates my door from her chair. Once the door is closed, I press my ear to it and listen to her for a few minutes. The recliner squeaks as she moves, and she says something I don’t understand.

Backing away, I lay my fingers lightly on the door. Tonight I’m happy someone is out there. I’m in a strange house, with strange people that I won’t know tomorrow. So far they haven’t done anything to scare or hurt me. The only one who’s hurt me is Chloe… Jess.

It’s time to prepare for bed, I decide. Cards line the walls in the bathroom, explaining my night procedure. I follow the routines and am soon dressed in pajamas and ready for bed. A small lamp is on the bedside table so I turn it on, then turn off the main light. The sheets are cool and inviting as I slip between them. I fluff the pillow then lean against it.

I prop up my knees and lay the journal against them. With one of the pens, I begin writing out the day’s events.

* * *

My eyes open and I turn onto my back. With a few quick blinks, I stretch and rub my eyes. Above me something is on the ceiling. It’s a sign. My sleep hazed eyes squint to make out the words: **You are Max Caulfield. You are with friends. The numbered cards will help.**

I sit up and look around until I find a card with the number one on it. Some time later, I’m dressed and ready for the day. Next to the door is a sheet of paper. There are three pictures on the paper with names: Kate, <s>Chloe</s> Blue, Ethel. With the sheet in hand, I open the door.

Someone sleeps in a chair outside my door. A glance at the paper tells me it’s the woman known as Blue. _Is that her real name?_ Her hair is blue. Maybe it’s a nickname. I ease by the chair, careful not to wake her.

The hall opens into a kitchen and living space. A head bobs on a couch looking out the window. There aren’t any cards out here and I look around, lost. What am I supposed to do now?

“Is that you, Max?”

The voice comes from the front room and I step back. I don’t know what to expect and my panic is starting to rise. A body prevents me from backing up and I jump with a yelp. The blue girl is behind me. How did she get there? The person in the front room turns at my sound and waves. “Come join me, Max,” she says in her cheerful voice.

I shrink back from both of them. _What do they want with me?_

Blue steps away from me, her hands out. “Sorry about that, Maxter,” she says, “How about some coffee? Do you like coffee?”

I nod and hold the paper in front of me like a shield. A little smile tugs the corners of Blue’s mouth before she turns and disappears into the kitchen.

“Come over here,” the other woman says, gesturing at the couch she sits on. “Watch the animals with me.”

Cautiously, I make my way to her. I sit at the far end of the couch, my feet tucked below me. A quick comparison with the paper tells me the girl at the other end is named Kate. In front of the couch is a large window that overlooks a pond surrounded by forest. In the first few seconds I spot several animals. Words come to me, names for these animals. Deer, ducks, other birds, and more drink from the water.

Despite my nervousness, I can’t stop the squee that escapes me. My hands itch for a camera to take their picture. A soft laugh comes from the other end of the couch. The other girl sits, legs also underneath her, mouth covered by her hand as she looks at me.

“You are too precious, Max,” Kate says. She giggles and it takes me a moment to realize she’s not mocking me. Quite the opposite rather, she has such a look of sunshine on her face.

Blue appears then, a cup of coffee in her hand. “Three sugars, right?” she says as she hands it to me.

My brow furrows and I ask, “Is that how I like it?”

Blue looks at me while she takes a seat. “That’s how you liked it when we were together.”

I sip some of the liquid and find it delightful. “Yum,” I say. “This is coffee, right?”

“That’s coffee alright.”

I take another sip and return my gaze to the pond. Animals come and go while I enjoy the drink. The trees are thick around the pond, with an opening that leads to the house. “Where are we?”

“A cabin owned by Ethel’s parents,” says Kate.

“They don’t use it much,” comes another voice behind us. The new voice startles me and I splash some coffee on the paper. Thankfully it’s not on the pictures or words. As I wipe the coffee off the paper, the newcomer steps into view.

“Once Jess contacted us and we had a plan, we started preparing this cabin for use,” she says. I’m too flustered with cleaning the paper, and a third person here, to pay attention to what she says. It’s a lot to take in: these people, the house, the view. I’m overwhelmed and try to make myself as small as possible.

The new person, the paper tells me her name is Ethel, moves out of my view. I keep mine focused on the window and what I see outside. There’s more movement and I try not to notice. This house is so busy and it’s freaking me out!

A tap on my shoulder makes me turn my head. “Hey, Max,” Blue says, “I got something that may help you.” She holds out a couple of black books covered with stickers, with colored bits of paper sticking out.

“What are these,” I ask as I accept them.

“Your journals. You should start with the July 10, 2013 entry in the Unchecked Baggage journal.”

Picking out the journal she indicated, I set the other aside. With another sip of my coffee, I open the journal and find the entry. The world fades away as I begin to read.

_July 10, 2013_

_I GOT ACCEPTED INTO BLACKWELL ACADEMY._

_If words could dance this would be a rave._

It takes two cups of coffee and a sandwich to read both journals. I close the last one and set it on the couch next to me. Kate still sits across from me. After reading the journal, I know what she went through and, even though it was nearly four years ago, tears well up. She’s a complete stranger, but the humiliation and torment she experienced squeezes my heart.

I move across the couch and put my hand on her shoulder. “I’m so sorry,” I say. She looks at me with a puzzled smile.

“For what?”

“I- For what drove you to the roof of Blackwell, for not helping you with it sooner.”

“It’s ok, Max,” She says and places her hand on mine. “You did help. You talked to me and showed you cared. You were there when I needed a friend. That’s what matters. I’m doing much better now, thanks to you and friends like you.”

For her it’s four years in the past. For me, I learned about it for the first time right now. “May I… give you a hug,” I say uncertainly. She sets down her mug and opens her arms.

“You didn’t put me on that roof,” she whispers, “you helped bring me down in one piece. I will always treasure you for that.”

We break and I lean back. There’s someone else I need to find, someone who must be in pain right now. I’ve called her Blue all morning, but that’s not her name.

“Do you know where-”

“She’s by the pond,” Kate says. “She couldn’t sit still waiting for you to finish.”

I nod, as if I know that about her. I know nothing about her and she knows everything about me. Leaving Kate and my journals behind, I leave the cabin.

Outside it’s a little chilly. We must be high in the mountains. I rub my bare arms and debate returning for a jacket. There’s a plopping noise from the direction of the pond and it pulls me. A well-worn path leads from the house, among the trees, to the pond.

The journals told me much about Max and Chloe. Their reconnecting after five years. Max gaining powers and using them, sometimes to comedic effect, but more times not. Through Max’ words I could feel the care and love those two had for each other. When the darkness hit Max, the grief and trauma of saving Chloe finally catching up to her, Chloe had been her strength.

There were enough pictures and sketches in the journals to connect the Max in the journals to me. But I have no memory of it. My life before waking up this morning is a blank page. Reading the journals is like reading someone else’s life.

The plopping noise becomes louder as I walk and soon I see her. She’s standing at the edge of the pond, skipping rocks across it. She wears a beanie and a light blue jacket. A cigarette hangs from her lips, blue-grey smoke drifting on the breeze. On silent feet, I walk up and stand beside her. She glances at me as she skips another stone.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five skips before the rock stops and sinks. She skips another stone, which makes it farther before sinking. Then we’re standing in silence, watching the rings expand across the pond. A jacket falls onto my shoulders, warm and smelling of her. I can’t quite pinpoint the scents, but I know it’s her.

“I can’t take this,” I protest when I see her bare arms and the goose bumps forming. Her t-shirt has huge arm holes. _Surely she can’t be warm in that!_

She dismisses my concern with a smile and wave. “Don’t worry about it. I’d rather you be warm.” She stubs out her cigarette on the bottom of her boot before sticking her hands in the pockets of her black jeans.

I snug the jacket close to me. “So… I read the journals.” She nods. “It’s a lot to take in.” She nods again. “They raise more questions.” I kick a pebble and watch it skitter across the shore to plop into the water. “I think the question I want answered first is, how are you?”

She doesn’t answer, her eyes fixed upon the pond. I move to stand in front of her, facing her. “How are you?”

“Say my name.”

“What?”

“Say my name, Max.”

I look into her blue eyes and whisper, “Chloe.”

A woman with blonde hair and grey eyes appears before me and I smell strawberries. She has a tender look to her and I long to be in her embrace. Chloe.

Through her, I see another with blue hair and eyes. Similar to my Chloe, but not her. A fake. An imposter. I cringe and move away.

The vision of Chloe fades, leaving an ache in my heart. I long to be with her._ Not this person._

_No! What am I saying?_ I shake my head and try to make sense of what happened.

“They did something to you,” she whispers. “They stole your memories and replaced part of who you are. It’s not your fault… you can’t control it… but it fucking hurts.”

I tuck my hands in the pockets of her jacket and turn to look at the pond. Small ripples from the breeze and her rocks keep the surface in motion. What just happened is unsettling. Cautiously, I whisper her name again.

Blonde hair falls over grey eyes to hide a playful smile. I hear a laugh like crystal chimes that soothes the soul. Her arms reach for me and my heart cries for their embrace. The faint scent of strawberries wafts over me.

A breeze ruffles my hair. The smell of strawberries is replaced by that of water, reeds, and pines. I’m standing at the edge of a pond, in the mountains. The name on the paper comes to me, Blue.

“Right now I think the normal thing to say is ‘we’ll find a way to get through this’,” she says, “but I’m having a hard time seeing how.”

_What do I say to that?_

“What was it like,” I say after several minutes of silence. “The last few months before I became part of… the project? The journal captured some of what Max… I felt and was going through.” I turn and look at her. “What was it like for you?”

She purses her lips. I see bumps on her arms. She’s cold. An internal prompt moves me to step into her space and put my arms around her. Initially, she stiffens at my touch, then relaxes. “Thanks,” she murmurs.

“I don’t want to talk about that period right now,” she says after more time passes. “Seeing you… with no memory of me or Kate or anyone fucking hurts. It’s all I can do not to hunt down the guy that did this to you and… do something. I don’t know what, but something!”

My head lays against her chest and I know I should be feeling something. The journals told me Max and Chloe were lovers, that was clear. But I’m standing here, listening to her speak in pain-filled words about wanting to… what? Avenge my memory loss? And I’m just… not feeling anything. Empty. Hollow.

It’s the opposite of what I feel for… the blonde… Chloe. The thought conjures her in my mind, same as the other times. Blonde hair begging for my touch, a secret smile that lights my heart. She’s touching me in this vision, her fingers tracing up my cheek toward my hair and desire and warmth and more flood me.

To force my mind off this I ask, “what do you want to talk about?”

I feel her shrug. “Talking’s overrated right now. I want to do something.”

“What do you want to do?”

“If we were in town, I’d say tagging or something daring. Those things are out of the picture for the moment. So… how about fishing?”

It’s my turn to shrug my shoulders. “Sure,” I say. “I don’t know what that is though.”

She laughs at that and suddenly, I want to hear her laugh again! While I rack my mind for something else to make her laugh, she says, “Go inside and get a jacket. I’ll wait for you here.”

“Ok,” I say and hand her the jacket. She slips it on with a smile. It doesn’t take me long to walk to the cabin, find a jacket, and return to the pond. When I return, she’s holding two tall stick things with hoops and string attached to them.

“Here,” she says and hands me one. “This is called a bait caster. You use it to catch fish.”

“Catch fish? Do they get hurt?”

She pauses and looks at me. A lot of thoughts are happening behind her eyes but I can’t make out any of them. “Yes, they’ll get hurt.”

I thrust the rod back to her, “then I don’t want to do it. Can we do something else?”

She accepts the bait caster and I see her eyes are filled with tears. _Did I say the wrong thing? Do I like fishing and I just reinforced that I’m not the Max she remembers? _My hands fiddle with my pants as I worry that I did the wrong thing.

She sniffs and takes the bait caster, then sets both of them aside. We stand in silence a while, looking at the pond. My refusal to fish had a big effect on her that I don’t understand. I step to her side and say, “That’s ok, right? That we do something else?”

She nods and I see sunlight glint off a tear running down her cheek. I can’t help myself. My hand reaches up and I brush away the tear. “Why are you crying?”

Her head bows at my question and her boot scuffs a rock she’s standing on. “Because that’s how you were before everything happened. You wouldn’t hurt a fly… then you changed.”

I don’t know what to say to that so I fall silent and return my gaze to the pond. _What must it be like for her, to look at me and see someone else? How would I feel if our roles were reversed?_

“Do you want to go for a walk?”

Her question interrupts my thoughts. It takes a moment or two for me to realize what she asked. “Sure.”

She hooks her arm in mine and leads us toward the nearby woods. The trees are mostly pine, with a few others interspersed. Madrone and other smaller bushes coat the ground, but there’s a few open trails that lead into the forest depths. How I know their names is the mystery of my life.

We walk in silence, through dappled sunlight and shaded areas. When we come to an open area with little ground cover, she stops and pulls her hands from her pockets.

She kneels down and picks up a pine cone. “What’s it like,” she says as she throws the cone at a nearby tree. It hits dead center and I clap and bounce up and down. “To wake up in the morning and not have any memories?”

“Smack in the middle,” I announce.

She looks at me and laughs. “You’re adorkable.” I don’t know what that means, but I got to hear her laugh again! Her gaze remains intense and I look away. Her question finally reaches me.

I kneel and pick up my own pine cone. It’s prickly and a little sticky. I bounce it in my palm before throwing it. “Scary,” I say as I watch the cone miss the tree by a good three feet. “When I awoke today I immediately saw the sign on the ceiling. If I didn’t, I don’t know what I’d do, probably panic.”

While I speak, she picks up another pine cone and again hits the tree dead center. I want to clap and bounce again, but restrain myself. She gives me a sidelong glance while I pick up another pine cone. _Are all of them this sticky?_

“No applause or cheering for hitting the tree again?”

“I… uh didn’t know whether it was appropriate to do it each time.”

She snorts. “You can do that whenever you want.”

“Even if we’re eating?”

She makes a sound and says, “Even if we’re eating. Now, you hit the tree.” She tucks her hands into the pockets of her jacket and looks at me expectantly. One of her eyebrows raises as I adjust my grip and let the pine cone fly. Again it misses the tree.

She picks up another cone and looks at me. “May I?”

“May you what?”

“Show you how to throw.”

I shrug my shoulders. “Sure, I guess.”

She steps close and gently takes my hand. For the next few minutes she walks me through the basics of holding the cone, how to aim, how to throw and let go. She steps back to let me practice, but when my throw misses again, she returns.

“Get another cone,” she says.

I come up with another cone and she steps very close. “Is it ok if I touch you,” she asks.

I look up at her and slowly nod. She presses me tight against her body. Her hands hold my hips against hers and she demonstrates how to rotate them when throwing. She’s as close as my clothes, or more like my skin.

Her heat seeps into me and her scent wraps around me. I find myself leaning into her, breathing her sweat and smoke and other notes I can’t place. A sudden desire to turn and kiss her claims me, causing me to miss my throw. While she collects another pine cone, I struggle to compose myself. A thought occurs to me, but I push it down.

Again, I’m tucked into her, like a snuggly blanket. A sense of safety washes over me this time and I never want this moment to pass. I want to wrap her around me and take her with me everywhere. As warmth steals into my heart, I focus on what she’s doing, what she’s telling me.

I wind up the way she’s shown me, and launch the pine cone. It sails through the air to thunk against the tree. “Yay,” I cry and bounce. My head hits something hard and I hear a loud click followed by an “oof!”

I turn to find her with her hand over her mouth and a little blood dribbling from her chin. With horror I realize I bounced into her chin, causing her to bite herself. _No! I can’t have hurt her!_

Sorrow fills me and I raise my hand to help her when suddenly her hand is no longer on her mouth and there’s no sign of blood! “Uh, what just happened,” she asks, looking at me with widening eyes.

“I don’t know. My pine cone hit the tree and I got excited and bounced I made you bite yourself and you were bleeding and now you aren’t bleeding and you haven’t bitten yourself!”

My confusion grows when she grabs me in her arms and spins me around. “Do you know what this means,” she asks as she spins me again.

“No.”

“You just reversed time! It means, they didn’t take that from you!”


	9. Memories

Blue sets me down and I stagger from all the whirling. She laughs and I exaggerate my stagger to hear her laugh again. Her hands grab my elbows to steady me and I look at her. My body is steady but my mind reels, and not from the spinning. I wonder if this is what their life was like before the trauma set in.

Being with Blue is rather surreal. All I know of her is what I read in two journals. She’s a character in a story I don’t know. Yet, when I’m with her, a part of me I don’t understand responds to her. Like I don’t have any control over it. It is strange and mysterious, scary and exhilarating.

She leads me back to the cabin, her words coming fast and filled with an energy that surrounds me. Her touch, her enthusiasm, it appeals to a part of me I don’t understand. _If she and Max were so close, as the journals say, why don’t I feel anything for her? Why do these events cause confusion?_

Back at the cabin, Kate has prepared a simple lunch for all. We take it to the deck on the side of the house. There’s a view of the pond and forest, but my eyes are on Blue. I want to understand her in the hopes some memory will stir and help me remember who I am.

Blue gives an excited recounting of my healing her. Her hands and arms fly freely as she illustrates the story. Kate and Ethel ply her with questions and they have a rousing conversation filled with ideas and opinions. They ask me questions to pull me into the conversation, but I deflect most to Blue. I notice that Kate and Ethel use the name I gave her, carefully avoiding use of the other name.

According to what they’ve said, this is our first day at the cabin. For me, it could be the first or the hundredth. It’s all the same, a great void without a sense of attachment or continuity.

I finish my meal first, since I did the least talking. Blue sits opposite me and I can’t help appreciating the contrast she makes with the forest behind her. Colorful and energetic, compared against simple colors and gentle swaying from the breeze. She catches me looking and winks.

We all help in cleaning up after lunch, then Blue takes me for a walk among the trees around the pond. We start with holding hands, but Blue is too busy, too excited for that. Her feet regularly kick up cones and rocks and other things that she picks up. They bounce on her palm a few times before she sends them flying through the trees.

She tells me stories about her and Max when they were young. Running through the forests around Arcadia Bay; playing pirates around town and on the beach; getting into trouble with their parents. The two were alive in a way only best friends are. With such closeness they enjoyed as kids, I wonder what Blue is feeling now.

I am a stranger. To me, the stories of Max and her are only that: stories. The closed off part of me that understands her doesn’t help me know her. Blue’s eyes are often haunted and avoid me during parts of the tales. _Does she see me as a stranger in her girlfriend’s clothes? What must it be like to look into the eyes of the one you love and nothing looks back at you?_

I debate whether I should speak the thought that came to me as she showed me how to throw. My arms and body still remember her warmth and presence, the sense of safety and stability she conveyed. An ache to be held that way surfaces now and again, but I push it aside. Now we walk through the forest and hunt for new things to show me.

At the end I keep the thoughts to myself, recording them in my journal. She reminds me of that in the afternoon. After dinner, I read my entry from yesterday. Like the journals this morning, I’m reading the thoughts and events of a stranger who wears my body and name. Each day that person is replace by a new stranger.

After recording my day’s events and thoughts, I set the journal on the bedside table. Tomorrow I will awaken with no knowledge of today. The cards, handwritten and taped to the walls, guide me through basic activities like getting dressed. They don’t tell me who I am, or who I’m trying to be. _Can I really be who I truly am if I don’t remember who I was? Can I really do this with only a few hours accumulated experience and memory?_

_I have to try._

I dig through the supplies left in my room to find a card and pen. I write myself a new note and stick it next to the card labeled number one. That done, I return to the front room where the others are watching a movie.

Blue’s eyes watch me as I walk among the furniture. The room wants me to sit next to Blue. There’s a vacant spot next to Kate that I take. After some initial awkwardness, the feeling passes and the movie commands our attention.

My eyes flit from the movie to Blue and Kate and back. Much of the movie I don’t understand, with its references to cultural things that elude me. It makes Blue laugh, though, which that mysterious part of me delights in.

When the movie finishes, I stretch and stand up. Kate and Ethel do the same. Blue looks at me and waves me over. She pats the cushion next to her. I cautiously take it while Kate and Ethel bid us goodnight.

“You ok,” Blue asks when the others leave.

“Sure,” I answer, “just… thoughtful tonight.”

“Anything you’d be willing to share?”

I look at my hands, laying open on my lap. “Probably things you’ve heard the last couple of days.”

“Try me.”

“There’s a lot of… pressure for me to know who you and Kate are, beyond your names. And sometimes it’s like I do, as if who you truly are is in my reach. Then it goes away.

“I’m a stranger to you and myself. Today…”

When my silence stretches into minutes, she gently prompts, “What about today?”

“Today… was confusing and wonderful and sad. Sad… because tomorrow I’ll wake up without knowing about it. But for you, it’s real and you’ll look at me and I won’t have any memory of it. I wonder… I wonder at times what this must be like for you and Kate. But at the end… I’m alone. No one knows what I’m going through… not even me. None of the memories I make… are permanent.”

She’s silent and I avoid looking at her when I’m done. My fingers found some designs on the couch to trace and my eyes follow them.

“You aren’t alone, Max,” she whispers. I nod. I know she’s trying and I am grateful for that.

With my eyes fixed on the designs I trace, I say, “Have you ever looked into a person’s eyes and they look back at you with such profound love and knowledge for you it feels like you could reach out and take it, but you don’t know who that person is? Have you ever looked into a mirror to see a stranger wearing your skin? Have you felt out of place where you should feel comfortable and familiar?”

Silence is the only response. “Thank you for caring,” I whisper. “Now, I… must be off to bed.” Before she can say anything I rise, wave at her, and walk to my bedroom.

Once inside, I softly close the door and lean against it. I take several breaths to calm myself. The questions I asked sent needles through my heart. Outside the door, I hear the recliner squeak as Blue climbs into it.

I move away from the door and prepare for bed. Once I’m ready, I sit on my bed in my pajamas. On my mind are thoughts I read from my journal. How this girl I can’t remember bought me all these clothes. _Who am I that these people, strangers, want to help me? What do I mean to them? Am I worthy of that?_

I slip under the covers and turn off the light. When tomorrow comes all the good memories I made today will be gone. Blue’s laugh. My healing her. More. The thought scares me. I lose a part of myself each night, a part I don’t know if I’ll ever reclaim. _What is that like for Kate, Ethel, and Blue? They spend so much time helping me only to start over the next day. When will they grow tired of doing this and send me away?_

With those troubling thoughts, I pull the covers around my head and close my eyes.

* * *

Light filters through my eyelids, bringing me out of a deep sleep. Reluctantly, I open my eyes. The bed is too comfy and I don’t want to leave. I lay there several more minutes before, with a stretch, I sit up and look around.

As sleep clears from my mind, it’s replaced with other thoughts and senses. The first is a realization I don’t recognize anything. Questions flood my mind after that and my hands tighten on the blanket. I pull it to my chin and look around the room trying to not lose control of myself. My eyes land on cards taped to the walls around the room.

A card near the bed reads: **Good morning, Max! This is Max from yesterday :) Read your journal first, then follow the numbered cards**.

_Uh, am I Max? Did I write myself this note?_

The journal lies on the table on the other side of the bed. I pick it up and begin to read. When I’m done, I set it back on the table, close my eyes, and think about what I read. The entries raise more questions than provide answers. After some time pondering, I open my eyes and look for card number one.

About an hour later, I’m dressed and I cautiously leave my room. The house is empty and my footsteps echo in an unsettling way. I walk carefully through the kitchen and front room, holding a paper with pictures and people’s names. It looks like coffee was spilled on it. At any moment I expect someone to leap out and scare me, that’s how on edge I feel. No one is in either room. Panic curls its fingers around my heart and throat and I’m fighting a desire to scream, when I hear a laugh from outside.

My hands have crumpled the paper in my anxiety. I peek through a window and see three women sitting outside. Their faces are lit with smiles and their hands hold mugs of something steaming. Each of them is one of the faces on my paper. My anxiety lessens, but only barely.

_I can’t walk into a group of strangers_! Minutes pass while I stay hidden, peeking through the curtain over the backdoor window. My hands shake looking at them, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. Finally, I slink back into the kitchen. I pour my own cup of coffee and go to the front room.

There are a couple of journals laying on the low table. I pick one up and begin to read.

The sound of a door closing takes me from the reading and I look up. Footsteps approach from behind and I turn to see Blue walking toward me.

“You’re up,” she says. She rounds the couch and plops on the end.

“G-Good morning. I… I’m Max.”

A faint smile graces her. “And I’m… Blue Price. Damn. I sound like a discount code at some big box capitalist store.” Her smile turns into a grin while she speaks. I find her words confusing. _What’s a big box capitalist store?_

I set the journal on the table with its twin. She watches me carefully. “Are you hungry?” she asks.

I nod.

“How about some eggs and bacon?”

“Sure?”

“Want to help me make it?”

_Do I know how to cook?_ I drink the rest of my coffee and nod. She pops to her feet and heads to the kitchen. _She’s so energetic!_

I follow her and she soon puts me to work. Apparently, we’re also having hashbrowns. I’m washing the potatoes when she steps to my side. “Are you ok?”

I look at her, with her cocky grin and lowered eyebrows it’s hard to read her expression. “Yes, why?”

“You didn’t come outside.”

“Oh. That’s…” _How do I explain?_

“You can tell me anything.”

I focus on scrubbing the potato in my hand. “I don’t know any of you. It’s… scary to join a group of people when I barely know who I am.”

“Ah, yeah. Thanks for telling me. And, I’m sorry about that.” She helps clean the remainder of the potatoes and then we turn our attention to the rest of the preparations.

I’m peeling the potatoes and have a nice pile in the pot next to me when I hear, “Hey, Max!”

I turn in Blue’s direction. “Yes-” She squirts me with water, cutting off my words. I splutter and stammer and she grins at me.

“You-” she squirts me again and laughs. _That laugh!_ My sight lands on a small plastic cup. Quickly, I grab it and put water in it. “Hey, Blue!”

She turns and I toss the water on her. It soaks the entire front of her shirt and pants. My mouth falls open in surprise. _I didn’t know I put that much water in it!_ And I laugh.

Blue looks at me, mouth open in surprise. “You little,” she starts to say, then ends in a big grin. She darts at me and I take off with a loud shriek. The potato peeler and cup fall to the floor with a clatter.

“I’m gonna get you, Max Caulfield! And I’m gonna tickle you until you pee your pants!” I shriek again and dodge around a chair. Round and round we go through the kitchen and living room. Her hooked fingers and wide grin hunt me through the house until with a quick move, she has me!

I’m trapped against a wall and her fingers are attacking my sides! They dance up and down, squiggling against my ribs. We’re both laughing and I’m doubled over, elbows in, trying to protect my sides from those busy fingers! She stops and I’m out of breath and leaning against her.

“I thought,” I pant, “you were gonna… make me… pee my pants?”

“And ruin a good pair of jeans?”

She’s relaxed and helping me stand, which leaves her wide open. My fingers dive for her sides and it’s her turn to shriek and try to get away. She backs away and I follow, my fingers treating her sides the way she treated mine. Only it’s worse for her because her shirt gives her no protection. She’s backed against the wall now, laughing and calling me silly names.

When she’s had enough, I stop. Our faces are flushed and we’re both out of breath. I’m suddenly aware I’m in her space, her hands resting on the small of my back. Her eyes are gorgeous and draw me closer, if that’s even possible. I smell her and I’m hyperaware of how she feels and the heat that radiates from her.

I’ve read enough of the journals to know that we’re supposed to be lovers, if not for my lack of memory. Her lips are parted and my eyes focus on them. They draw me, a secret that my mind wants to understand. Our lips touch and she’s remarkably soft. A strange energy buzzes through me and my arms go around her and hers tighten around me.

* * *

My hand cups Chloe’s face and gently turns her head to look at me. Her eyes won’t look at mine. She’s avoiding her feelings again. I know that by the set of her face. She opens her mouth and I interrupt what she’s going to say.

“Be honest with me, please,” I whisper. “Your feelings are your feelings. There’s nothing wrong with having them, even if… they’re negative ones about me.”

Her brows furrow at that and her lips become a thin line. That only lasts a moment though. “Chloe,” I say and I put everything I have into her name. “Tell me, please?”

Her shoulders slump and her head bows. “I’m scared of… of losing you again, Max,” she whispers and it’s almost a sob. “First dad, then you, Rachel. Then you come back and you’re awesome even without your powers!”

Her hand caresses my cheek and her expression turns as soft as her touch. “And then… then you save me but the price you paid! It’s tearing you apart and I’m… I’m losing you again even though you’re right here with me I’m losing you!”

“Chloe, my Chloe,” I say as I lean closer, our bodies touching. “I’ll always be with you.” Our lips press together, at first lightly, then with an intense passion as emotion tears through both of us. She’s shaking beneath my hands and my own body trembles. We’re both falling apart from the burdens we bear, but for this one moment, with each other, we’re whole.

* * *

The memory jars me as it explodes in my minds eye. I break the kiss, but not our embrace, and look at her. I study the lines of her face, the flush in her cheeks, the tilt of her eyes and flare of her nostrils. “You hurt, don’t you?”

She doesn’t answer, nor does she look away. But a cloud passes over her, subtle and swift. My hand moves to touch her chest over her heart. “And Max… I… put it there, didn’t I?”

When she remains silent, I lean my head against her shoulder. _I don’t know what to do!_ She needs something, something I don’t know how to give! Because I don’t even know myself, let alone her.

“I, uh, need to go finish cooking before we have a fire,” she mutters, then her arms fall away and she returns to the kitchen. So many thoughts are flying through my head, yet all I can do is stand there. I glance at her. Her back is to me with her head bowed and shoulders slumped. Like my memory painted her.

I’m standing upon nothing and should be falling, but all I am is nothing. With one last look at her bunched shoulders, I go to my room and sit on the bed. The memory is fresh in my mind, her blue eyes filled with loss and pain. An unfathomable pain. I can’t help it, I have to say her name: Chloe.

Arms wrap around my waist and lips nibble my ear. The scent of strawberries wafts into my nose. A sense of comfort and safety fills me as a soft voice murmurs my name and adds, “You’re my hero.”

The memory fades, taking with it the safety and comfort. Coldness and emptiness take their place. My hand grabs my journal and I re-read its entries.

Two days. I have two days of journal entries. The first one tells me I’ve been separated from Blue for close to two years. I bury my face in my knees and try to sort out what I can’t understand.

My entire existence is disconnected from itself. _Why did Max agree to be part of this project? What did she do? What’s so special about her that Blue and Kate spent nearly two years trying to rescue her… me?_

Blue crumbled when I alluded to their past. It drove home how far apart we are, how much I don’t know.

A touch brings me around. I don’t know how much time has passed. Certainly enough for Blue to finish breakfast because the house smells wonderful. The girl named Kate looks at me, then seats herself on my bed.

“Do you want to talk,” she asks with a small smile.

My stomach rumbles and I look at my knees. “I don’t know if I can,” I say. “I am nothing amid strangers and… I’m scared.”

She rubs my shoulder, like a friend might. “I’m good at listening… without judgement,” she whispers.

“The words in these books say I gave up my memories because I became someone dreadful… but I look around me and don’t know anyone, not even myself! Tell me, Kate, was it worth it? Are you and… and Blue better off with my memories gone?”

She fidgets with her hands and the sleeves of her sweater. When she speaks her voice is soft and her eyes stay focused on the floor. “You became a different person, more… prone to violence and anger. You were unpredictable and didn’t care what happened, except to Chloe-”

The scent of strawberries wafts through the air and brings with it grey eyes and a burning, soft touch. At that moment I decide I hate strawberries and with a great struggle cast the vision from my mind.

“-as long as Chloe was alive and unharmed, you didn’t care who got hurt or killed. It wasn’t you at all. We tried different ways to help: lots of therapists and medication but none of them worked. When we heard of an experimental program designed to help people suffering from PTSD we leaped at it.”

“How did you get involved? I mean, based on what I’ve read, you should hate me. I killed your family!”

A shudder passes through her and I wish I could take back the words. “Who am I to judge,” she says after a few moments. Her voice is strained and weak. “You didn’t wish destruction on the town, nor did you want all those people, nor my parents, dead. Time and chance happens to us all.”

She shakes herself and looks at me. “Chloe reached out to me for help. She knew you and I were friends, and how you helped me. She needed help with you and I needed something to give me focus. Becoming the parent to my younger sister is not something I was prepared for.

“I was floundering in my own way, so when Chloe called me one night in tears and asked for my help, I couldn’t turn her away. We came and did what we could to support both of you. It’s been hard, especially… when you were stolen from us. But it’s also been a godsend. Lynn is doing so much better now, and I’m not as stressed out about her.”

“Where is your sister?”

“She’s staying with a friend until we know it’s safe. I don’t want her involved with us until I know we’re safe from the people after you.”

I ponder her words for a time, then say, “You didn’t answer my question: is your life better now?”

She hesitates and again won’t meet my eyes. “It’s ok to say yes,” I whisper. “I have no attachment to you. I know it will hurt you, but it won’t hurt me.”

Still, she hesitates and turns her head to look at the far wall. I cautiously touch her hand. “It must eat you up inside,” I whisper, “to look at me and see two completely different people.”

Finally, she looks at me with a weak smile. “I… I can’t talk about this now,” she says in a ragged voice. “Even though you say it won’t hurt you… I don’t believe that. Every day…” She cuts herself off and looks down at our hands.

“Do you feel like eating now?” Again, my stomach answers for me and suddenly she’s laughing and carrying on like the conversation never happened. I have to admit her laugh makes the day seem brighter. We slide off my bed and head for the kitchen. The others already ate and I spy Blue sitting on the couch playing with her phone.

Kate pulls a warm plate from the oven and sets it on the table for me. She also pours me a cup of coffee. We both sit down and she keeps me company while I eat.

After I eat, Kate and I clean up the kitchen. There’s not much to do, Blue already cleaned most of it. There’s a tension in the cabin now, or maybe I’m reading stress that isn’t there. It’s in the looks Blue steals of me, the lilt of Kate’s laugh, their body language. I’ve crossed some threshold I know, but no one wants to speak of it. Or at least with me.

Kate brings puzzles from a back room. She opens one at the table and I bring us fresh cups of coffee. Blue peaks at us over her phone, but doesn’t move. Ethel is nowhere to be seen. The large screen TV goes unused.

I find the puzzles fascinating and can’t pull myself away from them. The repetitiveness of finding and placing the pieces is calming in an unexpected way. A picture gradually forms as we place piece after piece, which is also satisfying. Kate and I work our way through two puzzles before Blue joins us. Our conversation is light and sporadic, filled with things I don’t understand but try to for their sake.

Blue at least excels at cracking jokes which has both Kate and I alternating between red faces and laughter. There’s an honest crudeness to Blue. It never crosses a line into insulting, though she pokes fun at many things.

There are many hidden glances between Blue and Kate and toward lunch they are seated next to each other. Blue started closer to me, but gradually crept around the table. Kate places her hand on Blue’s shoulder and whispers something in her ear.

I have to admit the two together are cute. They make good friends.

Lunch is simple and we take it on the deck. Now Kate and Blue are next to each other and I could swear they are holding hands when not eating. That doesn’t match what I read in my journals. _Aren’t Max and… Blue lovers? What’s going on?_

We clean up from lunch, the three of us spend some time at the pond. It’s a beautiful and relaxing place. “Such a beautiful picture,” I whisper to no one.

“Would you like to take one,” Blue asks me. I look at her, with her open, eager look. There’s an answer she’s looking for, that I don’t know. So I answer honestly.

“Sure.”

A few seconds later, her phone is in my hand. She tells me how it works, but I tune her out. This is something I know. It’s one of those mysterious parts of my life that shows up when least expected.

While Blue’s describing something, I raise the phone and frame the pond to get the perfect light. The phone makes a shutter sound that’s very satisfying. It sparks an urge in me and I switch the phone to use the front lense.

With the phone in the air, I tilt my head toward Blue and smile. A touch of the white button on screen captures the two of us. I hand the phone back to Blue who has a strange look on her face.

“Thanks,” I say. “I enjoyed that.”

“You’re welcome,” she says in a strangled voice and slips the phone into a back pocket.

The rest of the day passes quickly. Kate and Blue spend more time close to each other. A couple of times from the corner of my eye I see Kate give Blue a hug. When we return to the cabin, they lag behind. When I steal a glance back, Kate has Blue in her arms in an intimate embrace.

My mind is blank when I see that, but confusion quickly steals in to fill it.

The end of the day comes and I find myself relaxed and lounging on the couch. I don’t know how the other days went, words on the page can really only convey so much, but today was a strange day. I’ve done my best to capture that in my journal for tomorrow. Blue smiles at me from the other end of the couch where she’s reading something on her phone.

I’m sketching a picture of her in my journal, next to a memory of today. Her blue hair, with blonde roots, sweeps across her eyes in a cute way. The morning’s events are still fresh in my mind and I begin a new sketch of how she looked at me before we kissed.

In another chair, Kate is drawing. “How old is your sister, Kate?”

She looks up from her drawing. “Fourteen. And a handful. Probably like I was at that age.”

“Do you think I’ll be able to meet her?” I see Blue raise her head and look at me when I ask that.

“Maybe. Like I said this morning, it depends on whether we’re safe from the people after you.”

I nod. “How long will that be?”

“We don’t know.” Now it’s Blue speaking. “It’s only been three days since you came with us. These people are dangerous and have the money and people to find us.”

“If they’re that powerful, won’t they know who you are? Who she is?”

“We try not to think of that. So far they haven’t shown themselves to be that cruel.”

I finish my sketch and decide to do one of Kate. My hands decide to capture my memory of she and Blue holding each other near the pond. “Are my parents alive?”

“Yeah, Max they’re alive.”

“What do they think of… whatever is happening.”

“Um…” Blue stammers and falls silent. Kate uses that moment to speak up. “Your parents aren’t happy about the two of you being together. And, well, from what I’m told, you rather stirred them up at your last meeting.”

I think about what she and Blue aren’t saying. With the little knowledge I possess about Max’s life, I can guess what that is. “Was Max… I… a complete asshole to them?“

They look at each other before Blue says, “that’s one way to describe it.”

The words confirm my suspicions. I spend a few minutes finishing the sketch, then I close the journal and put it down. “So the best outcome is I never regain my memories and those people never find us.”

“Why would you say that,” Blue protests.

Kate puts down her sketchpad and turns to face me. “This isn’t you,” she says, “nor was that you before.”

I shake my head. “Think about it. Before my memories were taken, I was so… horrible that you feared me! Why would you want me to return to that? I think what we have now is the best situation. Each day I wake up a completely new person with a clean memory. You don’t have to worry about me doing things that are mean or cruel.”

“But this isn’t you either,” Blue blurts.

“I agree with her,” says Kate.

“I don’t,” I say with a sigh. “I… I see it differently. When I remind you of the past, I see only hurt and trauma in you, not love or happiness. Why would I want to return to that? Why would you?

“But, it’s not like we can control it. I’m only sharing my thoughts. Tomorrow I’ll wake up and have to relearn who you are and why I’m here. I thought… I thought that it would be best for everyone if that’s how my life remained. If all I did was bring pain and death, better that I go through life never knowing who I truly am.”

“That’s not true at all,” Blue sputters. “If that’s the picture I’m painting you then I’m a shit painter. You are more than those things.”

Kate touches my arm, her fingers warm and soft. “Though I wouldn’t use those words,” she says, “I agree with her. You are a good person, Max. Not bad. You brought a lot of good things into our lives.”

“Like killing your family? Or your mom? Or an entire town?” I don’t know why I’m saying these words now. Maybe it’s an inherent frustration that bleeds through day by day? A feeling not tied to conscious thought and memory? All I know is the words feel more true than anything. It is better for my memories to never return.

Kate and Blue try to talk me down from the psychological edge I’ve placed myself on. I let them, though I don’t feel like I’ve moved anything. The remainder of the evening is uncomfortable and finally I bid them goodnight and go to my room. My mind is jittery and doesn’t agree with what they tell me.

In my room, I prepare for bed, following the routine described on the cards. Then I sit in bed for a while, recording all these thoughts in my journal. I want my future amnesiac-self to know how I feel about what’s happening, and what I think the better outcome is.

When done, I place the journal on the table but I don’t turn out the light. _How can they not see this is better? Why do they want the old me back so much?_ The heels of my hands press against my head as I try to sort through my thoughts.

_A life without sustained memory is not much of a life, but surely it’s better than what I had before!_

* * *

Light filters through my lids and I open my eyes. It’s morning. I yawn and stretch. The conversation last night remains fresh in my mind. _It’s better if I never regain my memories. Let them enjoy a friend who doesn’t have the baggage._

It takes a few seconds for my sleepy brain to realize what happened. When it does, I bolt upright in bed. With wide eyes, I scurry from my room and trip over Blue’s chair outside.

I fall onto her, my knee going someplace soft. She lets out an “oof” and I push myself off her.

“S-sorry,” I say. “I forgot you were out here but there’s something you need to know I remember Blue I remember!”

“Slow down, Max,” she says, rubbing herself where my knee planted.

I take a deep breath, hold it, then let it out slowly. Then I do it again. When I feel calm enough, I look at her. “I remember, Blue! I remember yesterday.”

A broad smile lights my face, I’m sure, because I feel my muscles stretched to their limit.

Blue looks at me, her face twisted into a frown, and says, “Well, shit.”


	10. Maximum Effect

That was not the response I expected. “Shit?” I make no attempt to hide the confusion and disappointment in my voice.

The frown leaves Blue’s face at my response, replaced by chagrin. “Sorry. I’m sure that’s not what you wanted.” She stands and takes me by the hand to the front room. As we walk she says, “Despite what I said last night, part of me did agree with you. I kind of hoped your memory would stay gone.”

“Oh.” Even though I offered the same last night, and argued in favor of it, hearing Blue say she wanted the same is hard.

“If this sticks, and you’re able to remember tomorrow, maybe that means your other memories will return?” She sits on the couch and pats the cushion next to her. “Tell me what you remember? What’s your earliest memory?”

I take a deep breath and think about her request. When my lungs burn and my chest wants to explode, I let the air out slowly. Beginning with waking up yesterday, I go through all my memories. At least all the ones I formed yesterday. When I’m done, she’s smiling so bright it’s hard to look at her.

“That’s great,” she says. “Forget what I said! I’m glad for this change. I’d rather a Max that knows…” When she doesn’t complete her thought, I prompt her, but she shakes her head.

My hands are in my lap, folding and unfolding the hem of my sleep shorts. Simple, single colored cloth that is light and breathes nice. “There’s another memory,” I say slowly. “When we kissed yesterday a memory surfaced. You were sitting on a… red couch, I think. And I sat across your lap. You mentioned your dad and someone named Rachel. Then you said I saved you but the price was too high. It’s tearing me apart and you were losing me again. What… what was that?”

Blue’s mouth is trapped in a line, no longer smiling, but not frowning. When she finally speaks, she doesn’t look at me. “That was a conversation we had early on, when you first started changing. You… saved me, but other people got hurt in the process. It… you didn’t care, didn’t even try to help them! Not until hours later when, I don’t know. Maybe you finally understood what you did?

“We talked about it then, what happened and why. You were so torn up about what you did and that you didn’t care. But over time you kept slipping further and further away. It was like you were being taken over by someone.”

“Good morning! Max, you’re out early.” Kate enters the front room and takes a seat.

“She remembers,” Blue says.

“What! She does? Oh, that’s wonderful!”

Kate beams a smile that could cause flowers to bloom. Her genuine pleasure brings a smile to my face. “I can only remember yesterday,” I say sheepishly.

“That’s great though! That means you might regain all your memory. And…” She bites off her words and looks away. _And what?_

I’m about to ask when suddenly I’m in a room filled with an acrid smell that stings my eyes. A loud clattering dies away into silence. Shiny yellowish things litter the floor all around. Among the debris are bodies, bent and twisted. Their clothes are intact. They are clearly dead yet I see no wounds.

The bodies are all around me, arranged with me in the center. Blood seeps from their eyes and ears, mixing with the dust and debris. Its iron tang fills my nose as I turn and turn and turn, but the bodies are everywhere and I’m in their center. Black objects, guns, lay next to them, pointed at me.

Off in the distance I hear whimpering and cries.

And within me I feel a deep satisfaction.

My stomach churns and heaves. I shoot up from the couch, grab my stomach and mouth, and run to the bathroom! As soon as I pass through the door, I lose control. Everything comes out and splatters across the floor, the toilet, the bathtub. Again and again my stomach heaves.

I’m sent to my knees by the retching. Sweat pours off me and my hands are in my sickness. The scene of dead people staring at me, their blood pooling at my feet, won’t leave! Worse is the feeling of satisfaction that sprang from an unknown part of me when I saw it. My stomach squeezes again, intent on sending itself hurling from my body.

Hands are on my shoulders and I think people are calling my name. Everything is my body heaving and the whimpers of fear and sounds of gunshots. At last my body stops and I push myself into a sitting position, helped by the others hands. Tears roll down my face, from the vision or sickness I don’t know.

“Max.”

I close my eyes and try to wipe my face. Hands stop me, then there’s a wet cloth there, gently wiping.

“Max.”

I shake my head. I don’t want to answer, don’t want to think. The voice and hands won’t leave me alone, though I try to bat them away.

When I finally open my eyes, blue hair and eyes greet them. Her face twisted with concern, Blue crouches in front of me. She studies me several moments before she asks, “Are you ok?”

Again, I shake my head. I’m afraid she’ll ask what’s wrong because I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t understand what I saw. “Why don’t you go take a shower and get cleaned up,” she says.

Her hands are held out and I let them take mine. Other hands are on my shoulder, probably Kate’s, but I’m too confused and stressed to look. Between the two of them, I manage to stand. My knees want to buckle and send me to the floor.

Blue hands me off to Kate. “Help her to her room, please. I’ll get things cleaned up here.” Kate nods. She takes my hand, and slides her other arm around my shoulders.

She slowly leads me back to my room. She’s stronger than I realize as she prevents me from collapsing more than once. The short walk takes much longer than it should. Each step is a body broken, lifeless eyes staring at me. Kate speaks to me in a soft voice. The sounds of gunfire overlays her voice and I don’t know what she says. It takes everything I have to put one foot in front of another without falling.

We’re in my bathroom and she turns the shower on. “Will you be ok?” She stands with her hands clasped and worry in eyes. Behind her, steam begins rising from the shower.

“I… yeah, I’ll be alright,” I manage to say. My eyes won’t focus on her, instead roving around the small room. I glimpse a look that might be relief flash across her face.

“I’ll be right outside if you need help,” she says as she steps toward the door. She touches my shoulder and I flinch. “It doesn’t matter what you need, Max. If you need help I’m here for you.”

I nod. She exits and closes the door behind herself. For several moments I look at nothing. The vision, or is it a memory? It has faded, but its power remains. My arms don’t want to move to pull off my clothes. The earth tries its hardest to pull me down, to crush me to the floor. Slowly, I manage to get my clothes off and kick them in the corner by the door. The shower curtain awaits me, its plastic surface shimmering from the air and water on the other side.

My legs barely want to move, so it takes a lot out of me to push the curtain aside and seat myself on the edge of the tub. I make myself turn and slip into the shower, sitting on the floor. There the water washes over me. I bow my head, clutch my knees and try to forget.

The warm water and its sssing sound gradually wash the memory from my mind, replacing it with the gentle memory of Kate smiling. How I want to remember that smile she gave just moments before! After long minutes, my arms and legs no longer seem like dead weights and I push myself to my feet. I turn, letting the soft spray rinse me. The water spraying against my neck and head relaxes me and my muscles begin loosening. After some time, my hands begin my washing routine.

I stay in the shower as long as I can, letting its effects wash not only my body, but my mind. The turmoil retreats from my active mind and a kind of emptiness replaces it, like my life. Little flashes of fear and uncertainty flit through my mind.

_I am a stranger to myself and everyone._

When I finally turn off the shower, the small bathroom is warm and filled with steam. A warm, snuggly towel awaits me and I dry myself with it. When I wrap its softness around me, I can’t help sighing in contentment. The towel brings me feelings that the world outside this small room will take away. I don’t want to leave this room. Outside is the cold world, and whatever that thing was.

Kate sits on my bed, legs crossed and looking at her phone. She’s made my bed while I showered. When she sees me, she slides off the bed and tucks her phone into a back pocket. “I’ll give you privacy,” she says as she walks toward the door.

“Wait,” I whisper. At the moment I don’t want to be alone; I don’t know why.

She hesitates, then says, “Can I help you with something?”

“Please, don’t go! I… don’t want to be alone right now.”

She looks at me with an unreadable face. “Ok.” She pulls the chair from the small desk and angles it so it faces the door. When she sits, her back is to me. My hand wants to reach out, to touch her. I need to know she’s real, that she won’t disappear. For a long moment I stand, my hand in midair as I struggle to know what to do. Finally, I drop my hand, then the towel and begin dressing.

“Thank you,” I say as I pull my shirt over my head. I sit on the bed to put on my socks. They are soft and wrap my feet in cushiony goodness.

“Can I look now?”

“Yeah, I’m fully dressed.”

She stands and looks at me. “Would you like a hug?”

I ponder her question for a moment. “Yes… a hug might help.”

She takes me into her arms and holds me, not too tight, and not too loose. “Whatever you’re going through, we’re here for you, Max,” she whispers. “There’s nothing you can tell us that will push us away, or cause us to hate you.”

The warmth of her words matches the warmth of her embrace and something seeps into my heart. It kind of thuds in a way I don’t recognize. I want to stay in her arms forever. But I step away from her, my hands sliding around her shoulders, down her arms, to grasp her hands. “Thank you,” I say. It’s all I can say because she has taken my voice.

I turn to hide my face and try to understand the turmoil I feel inside. There are too many things I don’t know the names for, and some of them hurt. She gives one of my hands a final squeeze before letting go.

“You aren’t a bad person,” she whispers as her hand leaves mine.

_I don’t know what I am._ My eyes stray to one of my reminder cards fixed to the wall. “**I am Max Caulfield. I am 21 years old. I am with friends.**” All I know about myself is 24 hours old, and what people wrote on these cards. _What a sham!_

With those thoughts in my heart, I put on my shoes and leave my room. Kate now sits on the couch, with Blue next to her. I enter the kitchen and pour myself a cup of coffee. After adding the required amount of sugar, I grab a slice of bread. I’m hungry, but after what happened, I don’t want to put a lot of food into my stomach.

Before I leave the cabin, I announce, “I’m going outside. I… need some space and time to think. I’ll be back soon.”

Blue looks up at my words and says something, but I’m already outside and I close the door. Only, it’s cold outdoors. I set the coffee and bread on an outside table, then hurry inside to grab my hoodie. As I put it on, Blue stops me. “Hey, are you ok?”

I nod. “As much as I can be. I… I think another memory came back and… I need some time to process it.” Kate comes to her side and takes her hand while I zip my hoodie. My eyes fall to their joined hands. _What does that mean?_

“If you need anything,” Blue says, “we’re right here. Just call out. And please, don’t go too far.”

I give them another nod then go outside. After picking up my coffee and bread, I walk toward the path to the pond. The bread is quickly consumed and my stomach feels a little calmer.

My pants help remove the crumbs from my hands and then I’m at the pond. The coffee cup is clutched in both hands as I study the water. Reeds line one side, with trees all around. _What kind of fish live here? Are they native or stocked?_

Those simple questions distract my mind, letting me enjoy the moment and lull myself into a state of calm. A slight breeze ruffles the reeds. Near my feet, the water makes a soft lapping sound. Distantly a soft whirring of the breeze among the pines provides a calming background noise. My eyes close and I sink into the calm of the world around me.

Voices come to me from a great distance. Male, angry and mean. “These girls need taught a good lesson!” My eyes snap open and I look around, but it’s only me out here.

“Ain’t nobody gonna get a lesson here, but you fuckers!” _Ok, that was definitely Blue._ “Get ready to run, Max. I think I can delay them.” Her voice is a whisper, but there’s a tinge of fear to it.

I’m looking around wildly, trying to find where the voices come from when I see shadowy shapes. Great hulking men, three or four of them, block out the sun. A great noise of clattering rocks pummel my hearing. I drop the coffee cup as I try to protect my ears from the harsh sounds.

The din is painful, and mixed into it are screams and cries and the sounds of hard things hitting soft things. The smell of dust and wood and stone hits my nostrils and I sneeze. I hear another voice, my voice, say “Consider them delayed.”

My skin is cold and it’s like my heart stopped. The coffee cup lies at my feet, cracked and its contents spilled into the water. Again, it takes everything I have to stay standing, to not follow my coffee into the water. My breath is in ragged gasps and all I can hear is my heart, pouding in my ears.

I stumble from the pond’s edge toward the trees, my legs threatening to send me crashing to the ground. I need something to lean on, now! A tree provides just that and I collapse against it. My sight becomes blurry and I’m straining for breath against whatever is crushing my chest.

My stomach heaves again, but not as much as earlier and nothing happens except pain that doubles me over.

_Did I kill them?_

_Who were they?_

_Where were we?_

I’m staring at the ground, my arms barely keeping me from crashing into it.

_I killed them!_

My face is pressed against the cold, hard ground and my hands are grasping at nothing. _Something take me, please!_

The forest fades into a bright, metallic place that smells of cleaning chemicals. People are arranged on low benches, their voices and other sounds a cacophony of noise that drowns the sounds of the forest.

My eyes dart around, but nothing looks familiar and I can’t stop the insistent need to run.

“Did you see the look on his face when she melted his arms. Damn, but that was funny!” A woman in uniform looks at me as I run past, her grim smile sears itself in my mind.

“Fucking radicals deserve it,” grunts another woman near her. “Too bad she let him live.”

Now I’m surrounded by tens or hundreds of uniformed people. Black outfits with guns and helmets and many things attached to their belts and vests.

A cheer goes up and I cower and dodge with my hands over my ears.

“It’s Max Effect,” someone shouts and then they’re all shouting it and mobbing me. They crowd and jostle me, all of them, hundreds of them seeking to be near me, to touch me! And I’m screaming, or I believe I am because my mouth is open and my chest and throat ache.

“Attention!” The command splits the air all the people turn into orderly statutes. I fall to the floor where my insides are determined to leave my body.

“We have a new assignment,” growls a stern voice.

“She may need a break,” another person says. The voice is soft but cuts through the room as powerfully as the other.

The room and chemical smells fade into a blue sky that spins. _Where am I?_ Trees rise around me, spearing the cloudless expanse with green arrows.

The sharp tang of acid mixes with the scent of pines and dirt. Part of me realizes I’m laying in my own sickness again. My hands claw at the ground, seeking a purchase to keep me from being flung into the sky. Faster and faster the world spins and I scramble for handholds.

Words flit through my mind, almost too fast to catch. _Murderer. Killer. No remorse._ My stomach clenches and drives the rest of everything from me, contents and breath alike.

I turn on my side, disgorging the few strands of sickness to the ground, but my stomach won’t stop as it tries to push itself from my body. Up my throat or through my back, I don’t know and it doesn’t care as long as it leaves!

A shudder runs through me, arching my body into a taut bow. My mouth is open but nothing happens, neither sickness or air.

With a suddenness, arms encircle and a body presses against mine. “It’s so beautiful,” I whisper as I gaze at the sea. From here the wreckage of the town isn’t as distinct, kind of a blurry mosaic on the eastern horizon. Or maybe it’s the tears in my eyes that make it blurry. Chloe holds me close and I feel her nod in agreement.

“What are we?” Chloe asks.

Brow slightly furrowed I look up at Chloe. “What do you mean?”

“Three, three?, days ago on this spot you told me you wouldn’t trade me, that I am your number one priority. Since then…we’ve been running from this place, both dragging a weight that eventually pulled us back.

“I-I need to know!”

I feel a tremor in her body as she speaks. A tense energy runs through her and stiffens her body. Her voice is strained by layers of emotions that I can’t identify. “Are we just friends, Max, or are we something more?” 

“Max…” Chloe looks into my tear-filled eyes, “you are the sweetest, kindest, most genuine person I know. I mean what I said the other night. You have shown me nothing but love and friendship since you came back and I-I don’t deserve it. And that, that’s why I want to know what we are: friends, or something more?”

Indecision freezes my tongue. So many thoughts tumble through my head that confusion is the only thing I identify.

_What is it I feel? Is it love? Or something else?_

My frustration mounts and I force myself to speak. “You…Chloe, I don’t know what this is. I-I when I look at you, when I think of you, my heart wants to burst! You’re my everything, you’re…you’re…” Frustrated tears sting my face, hot as they travel down my skin.

Chloe gently takes my face in her hands. Her thumbs wipe my tears away with a gentleness that belies her tough exterior. “Why don’t we start with ‘girlfriend’ and go from there?”

I smile through my tears, whisper, “yes,” and lean forward to kiss her. Only it’s leaves and sticks and mud that meet my lips. My face is pressed into a ground that smells like vomit. It’s in my mouth and nose, moving in and out as I pant. I push myself to my hands and knees and begin to crawl.

Twigs and pine needles stick to me as I move. Mud coats my hands and pants. It’s cold and moist and chills shoot through my body. A bleary carpet of needles and leaves is under me. These visions or memories or whatever won’t let up and I don’t know how much more I can take.

Right now I want to find a hole to hide in. Some place dark and secret that shields me from sight and sound. A place I can curl up and let the earth take me. My body shivers so much it’s a wonder I can even crawl.

“Max?”

My name crashes through the trees to fall on me. At the foot of a tree I collapse and curl into a ball. Whatever is happening scares me. A strange world is exploding in my mind.

“Max!”

Hands try to help me up, but I have no strength and my body is deadweight. “You’re too cold,” I hear a voice, matching the echo in my head.

“Chloe?”

Some of the hands stop moving when I speak the name. The pause is only for a moment, then they resume. Soon I’m slumped against the tree and someone wraps a coat around me.

“She’s wet, muddy, and shivering, but nothing looks wrong.” That’s Kate’s voice.

“Do you think you can stand,” Blue asks.

“I can try,” I croak.

Hands grip me under my arms and help me to my feet. I loll my head from side to side. I’m in between Kate and Blue. With their help I trek slowly through the trees and up the hill.

The external world fades away as scenes replay themselves in my mind. Chloe. Bodies bleeding. Dead eyes stare at me. Soldiers happy to see me. Death. Death. Death. Over and over until I can’t stand the scenes! _What am I?_

The cold world with its harsh reality is replaced by soft scratchiness. A soothing sensation sends delightful tingles through my arm. The front room of the cabin fades into being. I’m on the couch propped by both Kate and Blue. A blanket covers me, but it’s scratchy against my skin. _I have to get it off_! My hand raises and shoves it away, touching it as little as possible.

A hand takes mine, soft and warm. “Do you want a different blanket?” I nod. The couch moves as someone leaves. The tingling sensation resolves into fingers that lightly stoke the back of my arm. My eyes are drawn to the fingers, watching them dance on my skin. The tingling feeling soothes me and draws my focus. I turn my arm over. A shiver runs up my arm when the fingers stroke the soft skin inside my elbow.

Time suspends itself while I watch the fingers, and the next thing I know a soft blanket settles around me. The scratchy one is tossed to another chair. The movement breaks my focus and my eyes travel up the arm with the stroking fingers. I’m surprised when I find they are Kate’s!

Apparently my surprise is evident, because her fingers stop and she starts to remove them. “No,” I beg, “please don’t stop.” The fingers return and I slip into the soft calmness they produce.

An arm slips around my shoulders and a body snugs against mine. “How are you doing,” Blue whispers.

“I’m…” I don’t know how to answer this. The scenes or memories or visions come back swirling their confusion in my mind. I take a breath and try to focus on the chaos.

“Did we… after Arcadia Bay was destroyed, did we return three days later and go to the lighthouse?” I have to know whether what I saw was real or a dream. That scene squeezed my heart the most.

The fingers stop again and I yearn for their sensation. The impulse is so strong, my other hand leaves the blanket and moves Kate’s fingers back and forth. She gets the hint and resumes the light stroking. A contented sigh escapes me.

Before I know it, Kate is also snugged against me, her arm around my waist. A terrible need to move, to jump up and run away takes hold of me. The gentle caress on my arm soothes that need and it slowly drains away.

“Yes.” Blue voice is so soft. “You… you had to know, had to go back. So I took you. That’s when… when your change set in.” There’s fear and pain both layered in her voice.

“I remember,” I whisper. “It came to me… when… when… I had these like visions and I saw me and you and… other things.”

“I’m gonna guess your memories aren’t gone permanently, then, only repressed,” Blue says.

“Is that what happened this morning,” Kate asks, “before you got sick?”

I hesitate a moment, before whispering, “Yes.”

“Is it something you can or want to talk about?”

I shake my head. Tears are blurring my eyes at the mention of the episode. I fear that to think or speak of it will cause the same effect.

“Can you… tell me about me? Something that’s not in those journals? It’s like I’m watching a strangers life. Even those memories that returned. I know they’re me, but they don’t feel like me.” Even though some repulse me and I feel myself in the moment when they occur.

“What would you like to know,” Kate asks.

“Tell me… tell me something we did when we were little.”

There is silence for a while. Blue takes my hand in hers and tries to imitate Kate with the caresses. The sensations they cause are heavenly!

“When I was six and you were five,” Blue whispers. “Your parents had an apple tree in the back yard. A few weeks after we met in school, I snuck into your yard and climbed the tree. You saw me and ran over to it. ‘What’re you doing?’ you asked.

“I said, ‘Findin me treasure, matey’ in my best pirate accent. You replied with ‘Arr, this here treasure be mine. Find yer own.’ I was so surprised when you spoke pirate to me that I fell out of the tree!”

“Oh, no! Were you hurt?” Kate asks in horror.

Blue laughs. “Only my pride. Max you were so adorable! You hid behind a bush when you asked me that question. After I fell out of the tree, you ran over and helped me up. You got your mom to give us milk and cookies and we played together the rest of the day.”

“You were dressed as a pirate also, weren’t you. With an eye patch and a fake beard?”

Blue leans forward to look at me. “You remember?” There’s a cautious happiness in her voice.

“A little. It’s like… I don’t know. I got a glimpse of something while you were talking.”

Chloe changes to holding my hand while I speak. “You used my real name when we were outside. Does that mean… I don’t know, it’s alright to use my name?”

“Maybe? Why didn’t I use your name before?” There’s a hint of something in my mind, but nothing tangible I can grasp.

She looks at me, her eyes narrowed in thought. “You’d freak out that I wasn’t the real Chloe. Those people convinced you a girl named Jess was me.”

When she says her name, a hazy outline of a woman appears in my mind. Light illuminating blonde hair and quirky smile. I smell something sweet but I can’t put my finger on it. I look at Blue and the hazy outline fades into blue hair and blonde roots and cyan eyes that I could get lost in. The sweet smell dissipates, replaced by stronger scents of pine and smoke and more.

“Chloe.” I whisper her name and that hazy image reappears and for a moment I could swear I’m looking at a person who isn’t real, who doesn’t exist. But the warmth of her hand, the softness of her gaze, the hope in her smile all dispel it. I repeat her name, louder and her smile intensifies to brighten the room. I’m sure there’s a matching one on my face as I feel my face muscles stretch.

But even with that, she’s a person I don’t know. The echo of a former life or person that appears before me at will. Or she exists and I don’t, a passing traveler in this reality. My face relaxes, my smile dims. Hers doesn’t falter.

I turn and look at Kate. “What about you? Is there something you could tell me that isn’t in my journals?”

Kate gives a small smile. “When we accepted Chloe’s request to move in with you two, the three of us decided to rent a house on the edge of town. It had a large backyard with a nice patio. One of our favorite things to do was sit out there in the evening and talk.

“At the back of the yard were some dirt plots for growing things. That year we decided to grow some tomatoes and other food. The tomatoes did really well. We gave away tomatoes to everyone we could. It reached a point where people would immediately tell us they didn’t need tomatoes when we said hello.”

“Didn’t we do that because we wanted to try making our own spaghetti sauce and thought it would be fun to grow most of the ingredients?”

Like Chloe, her smile broadens when I add that detail. “That’s right,” she says.

“What now,” Chloe asks.

“I… don’t know. My head is spinning with what’s happened today. Being able to remember yesterday and getting these memories is overwhelming.”

“Kate,” Ethel interrupts my thoughts as she hurries into the room. “We need to go get Lynn now!”

Kate leaps up from the couch, jostling me as she does. “What? Why,” she exclaims and it’s obvious she’s worried.

Ethel tosses her a coat. “Vic told me an unmarked van has been in the neighborhood all morning, and some people have been walking around the area asking questions. She feels she already waited too long. She snuck Lynn out of the house, and will meet us somewhere.”

The spinning of my thoughts becomes faster as they speak. I clutch at Chloe, my fingers tight on her arm. “What’s going on?” My voice is rushed and high pitched. _Will Chloe leave too? Will I be here all alone?_

Instead of answering my question, Chloe looks at Ethel and Kate. “We’re all going. There’s only one car. Splitting up is a bad idea; it’s always a bad idea.”

“No,” Ethel protests. “We can’t risk Max being found. If she comes with us, that probability goes up.”

“And if they find us here? What then? Run into the woods? You know they’ll bring everything, just like they did at AB.”

Ethel frowns. Kate is already cramming her arms into her coat. “Fine,” Ethel says and her voice is not happy. “We’ll all go. Now hurry up. I don’t know how much time we have!”

Chloe turns to me, her voice soft and gentle. “Max? We need to leave. All of us. It’s going to be ok. We need to get Kate’s sister, Lynn. We’ll all be together. But we need to leave the house. Will that be ok?”

Ice has crawled into my veins while she and Ethel spoke. It’s all I can do to nod. She reaches over and brushes my bangs. “It’ll be ok, Max,” she whispers. “I promise.”

She helps me stand and takes me to my room to change from my dirty, wet clothes. I also step into my bathroom to wash my face and rinse my mouth out. My eyes fall upon my reflection. A wide-eyed girl with sunken eyes and hair filled with dirt and twigs and mud stares at me. It’s me, but not me. My fingers touch the glass, its hard surface seeming more real than the girl who looks at me.

Chloe sticks her head in the bathroom. “Ready to go?” Her question disturbs my pondering and I look at her.

“Just need to get my coat.”

I follow her from my room and we find my hoodie on the back of a chair. It’s covered in mud and other things and I decide to leave it behind. “One moment,” Chloe says and ducks into a room. A moment later she returns with a sweatshirt. “One of mine,” she says as she hands it to me.

I pull it over my head and follow her out the door. The van is ready to go, with Ethel behind the wheel and Kate in the passenger seat next to her. The side door is open and we climb into the middle seats.

“Did you lock the door and shut everything off,” Ethel asks.

“No.”

Without a word, Ethel opens her door and leaves the van. My fingers dig into the armrests on the seats. Chloe and Kate are speaking but all I can focus on are the questions running through my mind.

_What’s happening? Who is Vic? Why do we have to leave? Why doesn’t Chloe want us to stay at the cabin alone?_

These questions and more consume me.

Chloe has her hand on Kate’s shoulder. No, that’s not right. Her hand is over Kate’s shoulder holding Kate’s hand. My heart twinges but it’s meaning is lost in my turmoil.

Then Ethel is back. She closes the door, starts the van, and we leave. The scenery is beautiful. Mountain slopes covered in shrubs, trees and meadows. Through the haze of images my mind produces, the scenery may as well be endless plains of sand.

I turn and watch the cabin disappear behind us; the only world I’ve known slips away into the unknown. _Will I see it again?_ Ahead is only the unknown and uncertainty. I look at the world through eyes wide with fear.

“It will be ok. It will,” I whisper to myself, but I don’t believe it. Finally, I close my eyes. I’m still repeating that phrase. I have to believe it!

I don’t know how long I sit like that. My hands grip the armrests tight. My legs are wrapped around themselves. Tension makes my whole body rigid.

Fingers touch the back of my hand with light strokes. I open my eyes to find Chloe leaning across the space between the seats. Her face is scrunched with concern. “Are you ok?”

No I’m not, but I can’t speak beyond repeating my phrase so I shake my head. She unbuckles her seat belt and says, “Come with me.” She slides between the seats to the back row.

With gentle coaxing from her, I undo my seat belt and join her. My movements are stiff and jerky as I force my limbs to obey. Immediately her arms go around me and hold me tight. My hands need to hold something to keep me from falling out of reality. They grab hers and hold tight. Everything is still spinning and threatening to send me into orbit, but her embrace is warm and gives me something better to focus on.

She whispers in my ear but I can’t make it out. My mind is unraveling and it’s all I can do to focus on her touch, her nearness. Her warmth seeps into me from front and back.

A light back and forth sensation drags my mind from the spiral into a stable pattern. My eyes focus on fingers with blue nail polish stroking the inside of my arm. It fascinates me.

“You always liked it when I did this,” Chloe whispers. “Whenever you’d get upset or be really stressed, I’d hold you and do this.”

With difficulty, I swallow and ask, “Why… why do you care about me? Why not give me up and move on? Or is that what Kate is? You’ve moved on and begun healing?”

Her fingers stop a moment when I ask my questions, but then resume. “I don’t give up on my friends,” she answers. “I’ve not moved on from you to Kate.”

“Then… what are the two of you? I’ve seen the looks, the touches. I don’t understand.”

She sighs and is silent. “I wondered when you’d ask and I don’t have an easy answer. You were my girlfriend and you’ve never stopped being that in my heart. I want that again. Kate… before you entered the project I needed help. Kate was the only person I thought could help.

“She and her sister moved in with us. After you entered the program, she helped me… emotionally. And I realized she needed help as well. Yes, we have a thing. And we need to discuss it, all three of us. But… she’s… I don’t have the right words here. She’s not you.

“Kate and I’ve already talked about what happens next. We need to know you’re safe and healing before we do anything.”

Her words don’t really make sense, probably due to my not really understanding myself. I remember the words I read in my journals. The memories or visions I had earlier added to it. But it’s like reading or viewing someone else’s life. I don’t feel real, and what I read in those journals doesn’t help.

“Ok,” I whisper and lean back, my head on her shoulder. “I… don’t understand, but that’s true of a lot of things.”

I close my eyes and let the soft caresses on my arm soothe me into a tranquil state.

I think I fall asleep because the next thing I know I’m being jostled from behind and my eyes are closed. I open them to find one of the van’s side doors open. Through it I see a teenage girl with a suitcase and backpack approaching the van. Behind her walks a woman, well-dressed, with blonde hair in a pixie cut.

Kate is outside and takes the suitcase from the girl. The strong resemblance to Kate tells me the girl is Lynn. “Get in the car, please,” Kate says, then turns to the other woman.

The door behind us opens and cool air rushes in. The girl, Lynn, puts a foot into the van then stops when she sees us. Her face scrunches and she says, “What are you doing here?” Her voice is filled with anger and hate and pain.

“Come on, Lynn,” Chloe says from behind me. “Get in the car. She doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

Lynn glares at me before slinging her backpack between the seats and climbing in. The backpack is pink with what looks like ponies all over it. She pushes a button and the side door begins closing, then she puts on her seat belt.

Once it clicks into place, she pulls a rectangular tablet from her backpack. “Just so you know,” she says to me, “I still hate you and will always hate you!” Then she turns away from me and the tablet lights up.

Her words surprise me and I gasp.

“Sorry about that,” Chloe says.

“Why does she hate me?”

Lynn puts some earbuds into her ears before Chloe says, “She blames you for the death of her family.”

A tingle runs through my body and I shiver. “Am I responsible?”

“That’s… a complicated answer.”

“It seems rather simple to me. Did I cause their death or not?”

There are sounds behind us I ignore, then the door closes and the cool air goes away.

“Are you sure you want to know right now?”

“Please tell me.”

Her fingers return to my arm and begin their work. Kate gets in the van, looks back at all of us with a wan expression, then faces the front. Moments later the van drives away.

“When the storm threatened Arcadia Bay, you had a choice. You could let me die, or let the Bay die. When you chose me, the storm obliterated the town. Lots of people lost their life in the storm.

“My mom. A lot of your friends from school. Kate and Lynn’s parents and other sister. Only five people survived: you, me, my step-douche, Victoria, and a fucktard named Jeffershit. Kate and Lynn were at home and managed to escape. Her parents and middle sister weren’t so lucky.”

My eyes are fastened on Lynn while Chloe speaks. Though she has her earbuds in, I can tell she’s listening. Her shoulders bunch and she begins leaning forward while Chloe speaks. Her knuckles are white on the tablet.

My own mind and body aren’t doing too well. My stomach heaves and churns, threatening a repeat of this morning.

_So many people. Thousands died… so Chloe could live._

“You didn’t know what the storm would do,” Chloe whispers.

I begin to shiver and my hands feel wet.

“It wasn’t your storm. You didn’t cause it.”

“But it was my choice.” My voice is thick and the words don’t want to come out. Sweat beads down my cheek, or maybe it’s tears. “Is that all I am? A killer? Someone who doesn’t value others?”

“No, that’s not true at all!”

“Then show me the good I’ve done!”

When she’s silent, I turn my head to look at her. “This is why I entered that project isn’t it? To stop my killing, because I did more of that than living.”

For a while she doesn’t answer and won’t meet my eyes. My heart sinks at her behavior. “You helped people,” she whispers. “Saved lives. Helped the needy. Helped the recently injured.”

“But not as much as I killed!” She flinches at my words and doesn’t refute them. A heavy stone sits in my gut. I pull my arm from her fingers. Her hand hovers a moment, then she moves it to her lap.

Her touch, welcome and healing moments ago, now burns. I move to behind Lynn’s seat, as far from human contact as I can get. My knees come up and I pull the sweatshirt over them. The hood covers my head, blocking out her and everyone else. For the remainder of the trip I sit with my eyes staring out the window, not seeing the landscape at all.

Chloe tries to comfort me. I shake my head and tell her to leave me alone. To touch another human, to accept her comfort when I have killed thousands? Capriciously? That’s unthinkable.

My mind is consumed with one thought as we drive through the night.

_What am I?_


	11. Lynn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: graphic depictions of death and people dying.

The rest of the drive to the cabin happens in silence. Well, at least silence from me. My mind is occupied by everything I’ve learned. It’s too much for me to process or understand and I’m paralyzed by it all. Kate and Ethel chat in the front seats. Lynn stays plugged into her tablet and Chloe occasionally says something an an attempt to reassure me.

We finally arrive at the cabin and everyone is exhausted. Lynn isn’t too tired to give me hateful looks as I exit the van. I don’t blame her. I’m hating myself right now. My words from yesterday are only too true for me now. _How much better it would be for everyone if I had never regained my memories!_

When I enter the cabin, Kate has her hands on her hips and, with a stern look on her face, tells Lynn, “we have to share a bed. There aren’t enough rooms for all of us!”

“What!” Lynn snaps, “Your blue bitch isn’t sharing your bed? Is she too busy fucking our parents murderer to fuck you?”

“Lynn Marsh!” Kate’s shocked voice is sharper than a slap. Chloe opens her mouth and starts to speak, but Kate cuts her off with a look. “You have every right to be mad,” Kate says in a softer voice. Her arms drop to her sides. “You know Max didn’t kill our parents-”

“She let it happen! She could have stopped it by letting her die! But no! The blue bitch’s life is more precious than mom and dad and and and Sarah!” Tears streaming down her face now and her shoulders shake.

Lynn’s words, filled with such pain, pierce me, but I don’t feel a thing. She’s speaking about a Max I don’t know. I’m no longer that person. I’m not any person.

Chloe shoots me a look of concern, which surprises me. _Why didn’t Lynn’s words bother her?_

“It’s ok to have those feelings, Lynn. I have some of them too. It hurts a lot. I miss them every day. It’s ok to miss them. I love you even more because you do. Come here.” Kate opens her arms and Lynn hesitates, then goes in for a hug. Kate wraps her tight and makes shushing sounds. Over the top of her head, Kate mouths “She doesn’t mean it.”

I know she means it though. And Max… that Max? She probably deserves it. I pass by them and go to my room. Chloe follows me in.

“You ok,” she asks. Her hand touches my elbow to draw my attention.

“I don’t know what I am,” I manage to say. “It’s ok that she hates me. If I was in her position, I’d feel the same.”

Her arms go around my waist and she presses against my back. I feel her warmth, but it no longer means anything. Nothing does. “Right now, Chloe? I just want to sleep.” I don’t want her to touch me. _No one should touch me!_

She lets her arms fall away and takes a step to my side. A shiver runs through me at the sudden loss of warmth. There’s a hesitation in the air and I turn to look at her. “Do you… need company,” she asks.

“For… getting ready for bed?”

She looks away. “No… do you want me sleeping in the chair outside your door, or… do you need me to sleep… somewhere closer?”

“And give Lynn further reason- no forget I was about to say anything like that. You don’t deserve her hate. Chloe… I don’t know what I want. Too much has happened today. My memories are returning… and it’s too much. The things that fill my mind are horrible and… I… I don’t know what I want or what to think.”

Her weight shifts to one leg and she keeps her eyes focused on the wall near us. “Would you… mind if… we shared a bed?”

A frown creases my face. There’s more going on here than I can understand. I step into her line of sight and study her downcast face. Loose thoughts in my head, some comments from earlier and fragments of memories, all click into a coherent thought and I gasp. “You… Oh, I’m so sorry, Chloe.”

I step close and, after a moments hesitation, take one of her hands in mine. It’s so warm and I feel so wrong, but she needs this now. “I’m sorry. All those things said about Arcadia Bay. You question whether you are worth it, don’t you?”

She looks away, then pulls her hand free. My fingers ache to touch or fidget or do something. The numbness that holds my mind won’t let any emotion through and I stand looking at her, lost.

“Fuck. I’m not worth it,” she spits. “Trading my life for my mom’s, Kate’s parents, many others? How can one person be worth that? I don’t blame Lynn for her anger. She should be mad at me though, not you.”

“I’m the one that made the choice, though, right? Not you?”

“Yes… but you fucking chose me! How can I not think this way?”

I don’t have an answer for this. _What am I supposed to do?_

“What… can I do? How can I help you?”

Now she looks at me, her eyes clouded and face drawn. “Come back,” she whispers.

“What?”

Her head shakes and she turns away. “Sorry…”

“I-I don’t understand.”

Her shoulders droop and she looks over her shoulder to say, “I’m sorry, Max. I shouldn’t have brought it up. Fucking selfish of me. Again.”

“Chloe-” I reach for her, my hands so jittery and mind so empty. “You need something! What do you need?”

“I need… fuck! I can’t hurt you! Not again.”

“Just tell me!”

She turns to look at me. Her face is a mask of sorrow she doesn’t try to hide. “You… aren’t my Max. I want her back.”

With those words, she leaves the room and softly shuts the door behind her. For several minutes I stand in my bedroom, my eyes fixed on the door. I don’t know what to do.

* * *

An uneasy peace settles in the cabin the next day. Lynn avoids me, but is mostly a teenager who lost her parents and sister and friends. _I think. _Chloe spends more time with her and Kate than with me, which seems to help them. Despite her hateful words last night, I see respect and affection between Chloe and Lynn.

Meals are the only time we are together and the air is so tense it’s hard to breathe. Chloe and Kate try to carry on conversations, Chloe with her joking and puns, Kate with her sweetness, but it’s forced and everyone knows it. Lynn keeps her eyes mostly on her plate, aside from the daggers she glares at me when Kate isn’t looking.

It’s during breakfast that morning that I encounter a change in myself. My unsettled mind doesn’t let me sleep and I rise early. I’m on the couch, a cup of coffee in hand and enjoying the slowly brightening world outside, when the others begin filtering in.

Kate is first. She grabs her own cup of coffee and sits near me on the couch. Together we watch the world outside brighten in silence. Lynn comes soon after, followed by Chloe, then Ethel.

Once everyone is up, Chloe takes it upon herself to make breakfast. I offer to help, to get me away from Lynn’s hard looks if nothing else, but she declines. Through the clatter and bang of her working in the kitchen, I watch the mountain’s shadows shorten as the sun climbs higher in the sky. To my left, Lynn sits with her knees propped up and her own coffee in hand.

There’s a sizzle and a smell and then I’m scrambling for the bathroom again! My stomach roils and churns and my mind sees only the dead men, their eyes weeping blood and reaching for me!

I make it to the bathroom in time to spew the contents of my stomach into the toilet. Over and over and over, my stomach presses and heaves, back arching, throat burning as my body tries to turn itself inside out. My hands are on the water tank, steadying me as every muscle tenses and strains. When the last heave fades, I slip to the floor, my body hot and sweaty and achey, hair stuck to my face.

Kate stands in the door, her brow wrinkled with concern. “Are you ok,” she asks, then takes a cautious step in. My hand weakly pulls the handle of the toilet so she won’t see my sickness. _Not that she didn’t yesterday._

“No… not really,” I pant. I push down the sarcastic replies that fly through my mind. There’s a sadistic laugh in my mind, a memory or my own laugh I don’t know. Kate digs out a cloth from under the sink, wets it, then kneels and begins cleaning my face. “You don’t have to.” I raise my hand to stop her.

“I want to.” She gently pushes aside my hand and continues cleaning me. Her strokes are soft and I notice her fingers trace after the cloth, as if her touch could also clean me.

“I’m sorry about last night,” she whispers. “I… I should have warned you that Lynn was mad at you. That was… that was my fault and I’m sorry for her words and how they hurt you.”

I finally grab her wrist to stop her. “She only spoke the truth,” I whisper in return. “She’s still in pain over losing her parents and sister. I… don’t blame her for that. Actually, I’m glad she spoke up. Knowing how much… Max… I… hurt you…”

My eyes find hers and she stops trying to clean me. “Did you and… Max ever speak about that?”

Her head shakes, a little flick and that’s it. I touch her cheek with my fingers, so warm and soft. “I’m sorry for taking from you those you love. You… I knew but didn’t… until Lynn spoke up.” The words are light yet laden with pain and sorrow and remorse. She catches them with parted lips and glistening eyes. Her fingers touch my wrist, then wrap around it.

“There’s… nothing to speak of,” she says as she pulls my arm down.

“I don’t believe that.” My hand twists out of her grip, and holds onto her wrist. “Sit next to me, please?”

She looks at me a long time, her hazel eyes intent as she considers my request. Slowly, she lowers herself to my side, our backs against the bathtub. It’s not the greatest place in the world to have a conversation, with the toilet next to me and the cool tile floor chilling our butts. There’s an acrid odor from my sickness that lingers in the air. But I’m too achey and weak to go somewhere else. We’re silent for a time and I move my hand from her wrist, to holding her hand. The dislike of being touched is gone, pushed aside by my memories and the need to know.

“I’m… trying to figure out… who I am,” I whisper, “and who she was. Tell me about what happened, please?”

Her fingers squeeze my hand before she lifts them into her lap. Her free fingers begin stroking the back of my hand and arm, like she did yesterday.

“There’s not much to tell,” she says, her voice still soft. “My parents brought me home from the hospital. After they made sure I was ok, they took my sister Sarah into town. She had an activity at Church that morning. Lynn… Lynn was left to watch over me, or keep me company. She and I were always closest. The oldest and youngest…

“I was at the desk in my room when Lynn came running in, terrified. When I finally got her calmed down, she said a horrible storm was destroying town. She dragged me to the TV and we watched all the businesses on the waterfront be destroyed. The news people took shelter in the Two Whales diner. Their screams… Lynn begged me to get in the car and drive away.

“It took a lot, but she finally convinced me. I… wasn’t exactly in the best frame of mind. Lynn did most of the thinking, not me. We left and drove east on the highway to Portland. We stayed in the car that night because I didn’t have enough money with me for a motel room. The next day we heard the news: the entire town and area for miles around were destroyed.

“Everything we had… gone. Everyone we knew and loved… gone. I remember looking at my sister and thinking ‘now I have to be strong for her.’ I had just come down from the Blackwell roof three days before and now was responsible for myself and Lynn.

“It was overwhelming. That first year sucked.” Her words die in a garbled cry and I move my arm to around her shoulders. She leans her head against my shoulder. “I was mad at everyone. My parents for leaving. Sarah for having the appointment. The Church for planning the event. God… When I learned about yours and Chloe’s ideas about the storm…”

My fingers stroke her hair awkwardly. Sweat soaks my clothes, I ache all over and smell like sickness, but she pulls me tight against her. “I’m sorry,” she says and tries to sit up. “I thought I was done with crying about it.”

Tears track her cheeks and she rubs them away. “There’s nothing wrong with crying,” I say as I help wipe the tears away.

“Can we talk about something else,” she asks with a weak smile.

I pull some toilet paper from the roll and hand it to her. She blows her nose and wipes her face down before tossing it into the basket. “Sure,” I say.

Right then, Chloe sticks her head into the bathroom. “Hey, are you two joining us for breakfast or what?” Her eyes linger on Kate.

“I… think I’ll skip food right now,” I say.

“Your loss, I made the best bacon omelette.” My stomach clenches at her words.

I push myself to my feet and help Kate up. _Damn everything hurts!_ “I got sick again,” I say.

“Oh. Sorry.” She gives me a sympathetic grin.

When I step from the bathroom and the smell of the bacon hits me, my stomach churns again! _Shit! No!_ Instead of returning to the bathroom, I run outside, pursued by the ghosts of her past. Goosebumps erupt across my arms and legs from the morning chill, but my stomach immediately calms. Only to be replaced by shivering.

Kate follows me and covers me with a blanket. “It happened again?” she asks worriedly.

I pull the blanket tight and nod. “When I smelled the bacon.”

She hesitates, then asks, “why?”

Blood seeping from empty sockets, pooling on the floor. Tortured grins turned in my direction, rictus gaze of the dead.

“It’s…” I don’t know how to explain it, not very well anyway. “Something in my past, her past I think. The smell… I just can’t.”

“Ok.” Her hand rubs my back, then she hugs me. A warmth deeper than the blanket infuses me and I find myself cuddling against her. “You were always my special one,” she whispers in my ear. A softness brushes my cheek, leaving a warm tingle behind. I want to ask her what she means by that, but the words won’t come.

_How can Max have been her special one when she took so much from her?_

“I’ll let them know you’re ok, then ask they air out the house after breakfast.” She helps me to a chair as she tells me that. She kneels in front of me, her fingers lightly resting on mine. “I’ll only be gone a minute or two. Will that be ok?”

I nod and she hurries into the house. A slight breeze brushes my hair and brings the scent of pine and other plants to me. The smells push aside the scents of dead flesh and blood and viscera and other things her memory haunts me with. It suffuses me with a calmness that soothes my stomach and mind.

Kate returns bearing a tray with a glass of water, two mugs of coffee and another blanket under her arm. “You might want to rinse out your mouth,” she says as she hands me the glass. “There’s some baking soda in it, so you might get some fizzing.”

The sip of water does just that when it’s in my mouth. The bubbles tickle as they form and I quickly swish the water around my mouth, then spit it out over the railing. I do that two more times until the fizzing stops. Kate takes the glass, places it to the side, then cleans my chin with a napkin. She sets the mugs of coffee on the side table and shakes out the blanket.

“What!” I say as she opens the blanket I’ve curled around myself.

“Two bodies will stay warm easier,” she says as she seats herself next to me. She rewraps us with the blanket, then covers us with the other one. Before I know it, she’s rearranged us so I’m leaning on her, in her arms.

”Uh,” she says suddenly hesitant. “I uh, I should have asked first. I’m sorry. Is it ok that I hold you?”

Her body behind mine is warm. She has me tucked on her side, with my head on her shoulder. “I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “Most of all, I’m confused. If you’re wondering whether I feel anything… I don’t. But… it doesn’t seem wrong. It… just… doesn’t seem anything.”

“I got a bit excited about your possibly remembering who you are,” she says. “I guess I let that excitement overwhelm my caution.”

“It’s ok.”

She hands me my mug of coffee and for the next few minutes only the wind in the trees, the birds in the sky, and distant animals are the sounds we hear. I close my eyes to better appreciate the experience. There’s a bird with a peculiar cry, high and long, that I can’t place.

“Can you help me understand what you’re going through?”

My eyes open at her words. Above us, fluffy white clouds scuttle across the sky. “I’m scared,” I whisper.

When no explanation is given, she says, “Help me understand why you’re scared.”

“I have this sense of who I am: I enjoy peaceful, calm things. I don’t like hurting anything or anyone. Yet… Max… willingly let a storm destroy my friend’s families. She did other things… hurt people… KILLED people. Then there’s memories I can’t place. Dead people, killed in horrible ways. Her memories, yet they don’t match anything. Her memories are at odds with who I am. It scares me that I don’t really know myself. It makes me ask what am I?”

The wind shifts, bringing the smell of water and plants. “You are Max Caulfield, my friend.”

“I… she… wasn’t your friend though, Kate. Not with what she did. She took your family. She did… horrible things.”

Her chest heaves in a deep sigh. “I… Most of what you did was before I moved in to help Chloe. Even then… I did turn a blind eye. I was so overwhelmed with helping Lynn and you and Chloe, I let my memory of you at school, our friendship, prevent me from seeing what you were doing. Chloe said I slipped into ‘mom mode’, taking care of all of us.

“When I finally did see what you… what was happening… I convinced Chloe to put you in the project.”

“When my memories return… will I be the person I am now? Or the person she was?”

There is no answer to that question and she doesn’t try to provide one.

“That’s what scares me the most.” My whispered words dance on the breeze, a mockery of who I am and who I want to be.

We sit in silence and my mind moves to the words I spoke and the events of the morning. _A gentle person who wouldn’t harm anyone? Then why’d she kill? Why’d she enjoy it?_

It’s clear to me the path I trod before the project was one of ruin, and that Doctor Smith took full advantage of that. That disturbs me greatly. _My reaction to the smell of bacon… maybe that’s my subconscious telling me something._

We spend the morning on the deck, me in Kate’s arms, both of us pondering our own thoughts. Lynn and Chloe come out after some time and go down to the pond. Chloe flashes us a smile as they pass, while Lynn keeps her eyes far away from me. Their voices carry to us, but not their words.

In the comfort and safety of her arms, sleep calls to me. The coffee I had earlier fails in its bid to keep me alert and awake. I snuggle against her, wrap my arms around her, pull the blanket to my chin and close my eyes. Sleep transports me into a land of peace and calm, her arms and heartbeat the conduit.

The shadows point in the other direction when I open my eyes. Hunger and more draw me from slumberland into reality even though I don’t want to return. Kate’s arms encircle me and her hands hold a book.

When I stir she moves the book and whispers, “Good afternoon sleepy head.” My legs extend into an invigorating stretch.

“Good afternoon… Kate,” I return weakly. “Sorry I kept you here all day.”

“Oh, it wasn’t a problem,” she says cheerfully. Her voice descends to a warm whisper, “it’s… been a long time since we’ve been together and… I really enjoyed it.”

“Even though I slept the entire time.”

“Yes.”

I now find myself in an awkward position. I really need to use the restroom, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to say before I leave her embrace! Different phrases run through my head. _Sorry, gotta pee! It was nice sleeping on you, but I gotta go. Be back after a potty break. _In my indecision, I stand with an awkward smile and look at her. The chill of the mountain air sends goosebumps up my arms.

“Uh… gotta go,” I say as I turn and run for the door.

No one is in the cabin when I exit the bathroom. It’s possible no one was in here before, but I was in too much of a hurry to notice. There’s a hollow in my stomach that demands attention so I wander to the kitchen.

I make myself a salad and a bowl of fruit. The lunch meat in the fridge makes me wrinkle my nose. _Oh! Kate is probably hungry! I should ask her if she wants something._

I carry the food outside to the table and find that Kate is gone, as are the blankets and our coffee mugs. She’s nowhere near the deck, nor inside. After a few minutes search, I seat myself and eat my meal.

Near the end of my salad, Kate and Chloe come up from the pond area. They walk arm-in-arm and both wear bright smiles. It’s a remarkably cute picture. Kate’s hoodie gives her a mysterious look as it covers her head. Chloe’s dark jacket provides a good contrast with the pink hoodie.

They stop at a bend in the path and Kate’s arms go around Chloe’s waist. Her head lays against Chloe, whose arms go around her. They sway to a song or feeling only they know.

Chloe’s blue eyes look up and meet mine. The scene is adorable and confusing. She whispers something to Kate, who turns to look at me. She gives me a friendly wave and they both approach, arm-in-arm.

“Glad to see you eating,” Chloe says as she takes a seat opposite me. Kate pats my shoulder and enters the cabin without a word.

“Where’s she going,” I ask.

“To check on Lynn,” Chloe says as she pokes at my salad. “How are you?”

“Um… hungry… and confused.”

“Confused?”

I look at her, I’m sure with a dumbfounded face. “You, Kate, me. Returned memories. Who I am. Who she was.”

“Oh, that.” She smiles at me, a cocky tilt to her lips and eyes. “We both love you.” She doesn’t give me any more and I resume eating my salad unsatisfied.

“I’m not eating meat anymore,” I whisper.

“No more bacon!” There’s mirth in her voice, but nothing negative. “Is that ‘cause of your memories?”

I nod around a bite of salad. She plucks a strawberry from my bowl and pops it into her mouth. “Eggs too?”

I shake my head. “Nothing… no food that comes from taking an animal’s life.”

“Damn,” she says and I shoot a look at her. Her brow is wrinkled and she’s not looking at me. “That’s going to stretch my cooking knowledge. Maybe Kate or Ethel know some meals we can prepare for you.”

“No… questions or debates?”

She laughs lightly. “Max, before all this started, you were already leaning in that direction. Honestly, your decision right now is super awesome because it says the good parts of you are returning.”

_The good parts of me._ I’m sure she doesn’t mean anything by the words, but I can’t help think there are things she’s not saying. My mind latches onto that and refuses to let go. It conjures for me recent memories.

Kate with her head on Chloe’s shoulder. _So cute together. So complete with just the two of them._ Chloe’s words last night: “You aren’t my Max.”

I lapse into silence as I slowly eat my meal. Unkind thoughts about myself swirl in my mind, spurred by her innocent comment.

The day continues without further incident. When dinner is made, I place myself on the deck and watch the sun go down. They keep the windows open while the meat cooks, which helps cut down the smell when I return inside to eat.

After dinner, Chloe and Lynn move the recliner back to the living room. With my ability to remember restored she’s not as concerned about me waking up and needing help. She does walk me to my room when I’m ready for bed. She doesn’t speak, but gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Then she leaves me and goes to her own room.

I stand for a time, eyes on the door, my mind awash with too many memories and thoughts and things that make little sense. Nothing that happened today helped answer my question: _what am I?_ Who knows when I’ll find an answer, if ever.

After I complete my bedtime routines, I sit on the bed, back to the wall, sheets and blanket draped over my propped knees. Yesterday and today’s events are recorded in my journal, along with a few sketches and doodles. I re-read everything I wrote since the beginning. So little information. _I am not a person, just a shell pretending to be one. _The journal and pen I return to the table, then I turn out the light and pull the sheet and blanket around me in a cocoon.

One day moves into another. Max’s memories, if that is what they are, continue to return in sporadic bursts of confusion and agony. Along with the memories come remnants of the power she wielded. Like the memories, the powers come without warning or ability to control their arrival or use. They make for awkward surprises and thankfully no harm is done.

The days before the memories and powers of Max began infusing my mind seem like a time of tranquility and stability. Now everything is upside-down and spinning in a frenzy that keeps me perpetually teetering. Each day, each moment is like another step along a line that shakes and sways, intent on throwing me to a future I can neither see nor want. It takes everything I have to hold onto the little bit I consider me.

Kate and Chloe split their time between me, Lynn, and each other. Their behavior with each other adds to my confusion and they won’t say more than “We both love you deeply.” And they show it when they’re with me. They pay attention to the parts of me I don’t know or understand. Only that frustrates me more. That two almost strangers know me better than I know myself disturbs me.

The day after I decide to no longer eat meat, Ethel takes Lynn into town for a grocery run. They return late in the day with a wide selection of food that fits my new diet. That they care enough to do that, catering to my dietary change also unsettles me. I live a strangers life with her form and I don’t belong. At any moment I expect them to realize that and expose me for the imposter that I am. They care for and love her, or her memory, not me.

The rest of the changes wrought by my flashes of memory are not so easy. Filled with harsh images and sounds, cruelty and capriciousness, they weigh upon my mind and drive cracks into my hold on who or what I am.

When I look at Chloe I see ghostly images of people and places. Violence, death, injury and more are in those ghosts. They cling to her, mocking me and accusing me at every glance. Even Kate and Lynn are accompanied by walking corpses who stare at me with hate-filled, accusing eyes.

As a result I’m withdrawn and find it hard to speak to the people around me. _How can they tolerate me with the way I was? _The others don’t seem to notice. Ethel avoids me, her eyes haunted by something only she sees when she looks at me. Chloe, Kate, and Lynn are like a small family with the way they care for each other. Lynn avoids me completely, her eyes hard and bitter when she has to be in my presence.

It surprises me, then, when about a week after Lynn joins us, she finds me by the pond. It’s early morning, the sun not quite peeking over the mountains behind us. Sleep brings nightmares as memories force themselves into my mind. Their vivid realness prevents my enjoying more than a few hours sleep each night. They force me to a life of early rising and early bedtime in the hope I can get more than two to three hours sleep.

I find that the time before others rise to be my most enjoyable. No one is around with questions or looks or their emotions pressing against me. Just me, the pond, and the few morning animals. Even better, the memories leave me alone.

I sense her more than see her, a warm presence to my right. We stand a long time in silence, watching the shadows on the peaks to the west lighten to gray. When the hint of pink graces the peaks, she says, “You really don’t remember what you did, do you?” Unlike that first day, her voice isn’t filled with anger and hurt.

“Not really,” I say after a few moments. “I… get bits and pieces, but it’s like I’m watching another person’s life.”

We stand together, the shadows shrinking toward us. “I’ve been mad at you for a long time. I didn’t like that sis decided to move us in with you. We argued for days before, and the day of the move I ran away. Chloe was the one who found me and talked me into coming back.

“I came… but sharing a house with you hurt more than I expected. Chloe’s helped me a lot. You know both her parents are dead too?”

I nod. My journals told me that much. “Yes.” My voice is hollow.

“Are your parents dead?”

“I… no. But she did something to them. I don’t know what.”

The silence returns and, eventually, so do the calls of birds waking up. I’m surprised when her hand brushes mine and I look at her. There’s a set to her jaw as she looks across the pond. “I’m trying not to be mad at you,” she whispers, “but it’s so hard.”

After a moment, I say, “It’s ok to be mad. There’s nothing wrong with those feelings.”

“Are you mad at yourself?”

That question startles me. None of the others have asked that, or anything like it! My lack of answer causes her to look at me and I realize my mouth is hanging open.

After I close my mouth, I say, “Kind of. It makes me sick when those memories come.”

She nods and purses her lips. “And that’s why you stopped eating meat?”

“That’s part of it, yes. I… don’t want to participate in death anymore. It’s hard for me to reconcile her memories with who I am… who I want to be.”

“And who are you?”

I hesitate. Her blue eyes search me. “Not that person,” I finally say.

“You don’t know, do you.” I shake my head.

She falls silent after that and returns her gaze to the pond. I do the same.

“Who do you want to be?” Her voice is so low and soft I barely hear it above the birds. Her eyes squint as she studies something I don’t see.

“I…” _Who do I want to be?_

When I don’t answer, she leaves and trudges up the path to the cabin. The edges of the shadows creep closer to me as I ponder the conversation. When I finally leave the pond, I’m no closer to an answer for those questions she asked.

The days bleed into each other. The memories continue to sow chaos with my mind and emotions as they spring into being. They leave me little time for reflection. I think Chloe and Kate are concerned about me, but my mind is in such a haze I don’t know if their concern is real or imagined.

The brief moments of lucidity I have I try to spend grounding myself. But really, I’m at the mercy of the others and her memories. When I can think and see clearly, the memories fade into a weird mass in my mind that I can’t penetrate.

There is one thing the memories make clear, a truth that shakes me to my core. It so disturbs me that I can’t bring myself to speak of it, let alone think of it! The project wasn’t focused on healing me, or providing relief for PTSD. It had a single aim, driven by the Doctor himself: to transform me into a weapon.

Each of her memories reinforces that. Snippets of conversations about enemies and terms I don’t understand. A hideous glee that accompanies views of bodies broken and twisted, faces contorted in pain. Partial bodies, coated with a dust that exaggerates their appearance. Male, female, young, old, they all have one thing in common: their dead eyes look at me in accusation and fear.

Through the fog of confusion wrought by all these changes, it does seem time continues to move along. I measure it by the length of Chloe’s blonde roots. When I ask why we are waiting at a cabin in the mountains, I’m told Ethel is working on a way to keep me free from Doctor Smith and his project. In the meantime, we need to stay where he can’t find us. That’s something I can support. I never want to see the Doctor or his people again.

It’s early morning again, and I’m walking through the trees near the pond. A particularly dreadful memory, or nightmare more likely, woke me early. It faded upon opening my eyes, but left me with an unease that refused to let me from its grip. I bundle up in my clothes and coat and head into the woods. The gentle wind through their tops has a peculiar effect on me. When I listen to it, the fear and dread always drains away, replaced by calm.

Only today, when my heart has resumed its normal beat and I can breathe properly, another memory hits. The next thing I know, I’m on my hands and knees, stomach twisted in pain.

“You’re such a wonderful soldier, Max,” Doctor Smith says, pine needles bleeding through his face.

My mouth retches, but there’s nothing to come out. My nose is filled with a sharp iron tang.

His hand reaches out to gently stroke my cheek. “It’s such a shame that we have to control your mind like this,” he whispers. The warmth of his touch sears me and my stomach heaves again. “But it’s the only way to reach your full potential.”

_Get out of here!_ My mind screams at me and there’s nothing more I want to do! But I can’t move. My limbs are weak and don’t respond. Something rough presses against my face where he touched me.

“You are my best creation. Now go out there, and show them what you can really do.” There’s a sadistic glee in his voice that squeezes my heart and throat.

I’m being pushed into the ground, crushed by the weight of my existence. Smoke fills my nose and cries of pain and death and more ring in my ears. My eyes close, but that can’t stop the inevitable. I see each person as she reduces them to dust. They age and shrivel before my minds eye. Some manage a cry or a scream when they see her coming.

Dirt and blood cake my mouth, both inside and out. I flinch as each person falls before me. “Good, good,” the Doctor says in my ear. “You’re doing well. Now take out that group over by the wall.”

By the wall I see people huddled together, their clothes torn and dirty. Four people, two adults and two children. They look at me, eyes wide with terror. “Don’t be fooled by their appearance or what they say,” Smith says, “they must be destroyed before they destroy us!”

There is something wrong here. The light in the eyes of the adults, maybe. Or the way they place the children behind them? _These aren’t enemies. _A strong desire to watch them crumble into dust fills me, a heady thrill that I can command that to happen moves my mind. The Doctor’s gentle voie encourages me onward.

_No! That’s not who I am! _I fight against the memory, refusing to allow it to take hold. _No!_

My eyes open on a landscape of pitted earth and pine shrouded underbrush. “No,” I say and I shudder.

“You must,” Doctor Smith says as I push myself to my feet. A nearby tree lends me support, its smooth surface warm to my touch. Explosions sound all around me, shouts of people fighting, and shattering gun fire.

“I will not,” I growl as I wend through the trees and ruins. _I have to leave this place!_ He has pushed me too far. My hands, my killers hands, push me from tree to building to tree as I stumble away.

“Kill them,” he hisses in my ear. The family cowers before me, parents arms around the children. Protecting them. From me. Their eyes hold the accusation and judgement seen in all the eyes of the dead. _No. _I turn away.

And then I’m free of the shadows and stumble into the light. The chaos is even worse here. Shouts and commands come from all around and my head moves back and forth seeking the source. I raise my hand to shield my eyes from the blinding light. A fear-filled voice calls my name but I can’t see who it is, nor do I recognize the voice.

“Max, you’ve come back to us,” Doctor Smith says. His warm voice is layered with subtle nudges and beckoning prompts. I waver, swaying on my feet.

“No!” I shout. My hands go to my head and grip my hair. I pull at it in my confusion and frustration. In the distance the wailing of loss and heatbreak pierces me. It’s to my left and draws my eyes as well as my ears.

A wooden building is there with people in front of it. One of them stands, her defiant eyes flashing in the days light. At her feet a young woman cradles a body to her, blood splattered everywhere. It’s her wails that cut to my heart. Blonde hair, once pinned and arranged in a bun, hangs loose, tips red with blood. Her body heaves with sobs. I mark the details and wonder how I can see them at such distance.

A younger girl, also blonde, kneels next to the young woman. She lifts her head and her eyes stab me, blue and cold.

_I know these people._

“Max,” Smith’s warm voice pulls at me.

“No,” I growl as his commanding voice pulls my attention to him. I see him among the ruins, his black and grey hair standing out amidst the browns and reds. Always well-dressed and collected no matter the situation, he regards me with eyes that don’t miss a thing.

Movement catches my eye and I turn, hands raised. But it’s Chloe! Her blonde hair in a pony tail, streaming behind her as she runs toward me. The sweet scent of strawberries wafts into my nose. My shoulders loosen and my heart stops hammering as she draws near.

_My beautiful Chloe, how I’ve missed you!_

My hands raise toward her and I call her name. From behind me comes a curse without words, but all my attention is focused on her. My heart is in my throat as her hands reach out and grab mine to pull me into a hug. Then I’m holding her in my arms and crying and sagging with relief. “I missed you so much,” I whimper in her ear.

Her arms around me are a healing balm and I find myself confident in a way I don’t remember. “It’s a trap,” she whispers in my ear and my confidence slips. “They killed your Chloe. Kate and her sister will be next if you don’t go with them. But they’ll kill them anyway.”

_Trap?_

The hug ends as she steps away to look at me. _Jess._ Her name comes to me as I gaze at her grey eyes. _Chloe has blue eyes._ I shake my head, confusion feasting on the doubt and dwindling confidence. Her fingers stroke my cheek, wiping the tears that trickle down. “My brave, beautiful Max,” she whispers. The smell of strawberries intensifies.

“Don’t give in to it,” she murmurs. “Don’t let him win!” There’s an explosion, gunfire, and everything slows down.

A red line appears along her cheek, bright and thick, mixing with her tears. The light of her eyes dims and flees. Wet bits splatter me. Then the side of her head disappears in a spray of blood. She slips from my arms, falling, falling, ever falling. My arms stretch out but I can’t catch her! And I’m crying or screaming or something because my throat aches and I can’t breathe.

The dirt around her crumpled body turns into a dark halo as her blood seeps into it. She lies at my feet, life stolen from her. My cheek burns with her last touch. _Chloe. _I shake my head. _No, Jess!_

Ice creeps into my blood. It starts in my hands and travels toward my heart. Her outline becomes blurry as I kneel to touch her. _My Chloe. My… Jess._

The ice catches me and I gasp. My hands hold Jess, who gave everything for… what?

_She didn’t deserve to die!_

“Come back to me, Max.” Doctor Smith’s smooth voice assaults my grief and my head snaps in his direction. “We are alike, you and I. People of vision, who will reach the goal no matter what it takes!”

The buildings and signs of battle disappear as my mind snaps into the here and now. The clatter and shouts of the soldiers fade into silence. Stony faced, I rise to sweep them with my gaze. Behind me is the sound of grief and I recognize Kate’s voice. She gives voice to the grief that I put aside to face the killer who stands before me.

Jess’ words come back to me: “They killed your Chloe.”

“Wasn’t it better with us, Max,” Doctor Smith says with his duplicitous voice. “No cares. No worries. No regrets or consequences. We can give that to you. A life no longer haunted by your past. Freedom. Peace.”

Those words reach through my resolve to appeal to the part of me that is lost, that craves comfort and stability. But I know it’s false, merely a front for his real aims. My hands raise, coated in blood and dirt and loss. “A life that is not mine,” I growl.

Around him are soldiers and their vehicles. They have their weapons pointed at me. _How foolish. _A moment later their weapons and vehicles are gone, reduced to dust. They take a step back, clearly not ready for me to turn on them. My eyes sweep them briefly, recognizing many from her memories.

“Leave now,” I shout, ”and don’t come back!”

The soldiers curse and look around and at each other, but my eyes are now focused on Doctor Smith. His expression never changes. Serene. In control. “You have failed, Doctor Smith!” I twist his name with hatred and step toward him. “I’m never returning to you.”

He sighs, a sad little sound. “I had such hopes for you, Max,” he says sadly and nods.

My world dissolves into an agony I could never imagine. Fire races through my body at alarming speed destroying the ice I once felt. Doctor Smith and his soldiers are replaced by harsh colors that stab my eyes. The universe is misery without beginning or end. Over and over my body is broken, each bone snapped like a twig and I cry out, or I think I do.

A slow merciless agony starts at my toes and fingers and creeps up my body.

_Make it stop!_

My existence is burning and gagging and ripping asunder and smashing into pieces and twisted into unnatural shapes and I want it to end. I beg it to end! _Please let it end!_

“Max!”

The voice pierces the fog of misery to stab my mind like a nail.

“Max!”

A voice I know, sweet, caring. A voice I don’t deserve.

“Enter the stillness!”

Yes. The stillness. A place to escape the pain.

It takes an unknown amount of time for the distress to recede. My body aches and screams at me when I try to move. But move I must. First my eyes open and my voice responds with an audible scream that also steals my breath.

When my sight clears, I see Kate crouched over me. Her hand is outstretched, but not touching me. When I can finally breathe, I roll away, whimpers and cries forced from my lips. Tears leak from my eyes, pushed out by every movement and it’s so hard to see, let alone move!

My body demands to stay still, to lay on the road and melt into a miserable puddle. I can’t let it. With gritted teeth, I push myself to my feet, a great cry torn from me. My body is stiff from what happened and I have to take a couple of wooden steps to keep my balance. Darkness rims my vision, but I can’t let anything stop me. _What I feel is but a taste of the pain she’s dealt out._

Liquid runs thick around my mouth as I scan the world around me. A sharp iron tang fills my mouth as I do. Behind Doctor Smith an odd machine is carried by a young soldier. It’s the only thing that stands out. My vision narrows further as I tap into the essence of the machine and speed up the process of decay inherent in all things.

For this to work I have to leave the stillness. Strength flees me each moment I stay here. The earth pulls at me, an unwelcome embrace to smother me forever. I’m pulled backwards, my balance skewed by an inability to keep my center. I fall to my knees and one hand. Through it, my connection with the machine never wavers. As my sight shrinks to a pinprick I return to normal time.

For a brief moment there is pain unlike anything I’ve ever felt. It’s like my body is being torn in millions of little bits while on fire. It tears at me, a relentless foe that seeks to break my hold on my power, on myself. Then it’s gone and I’m panting, sweat dripping from my head. “Max?” Kate’s voice is a mixture of surprise and concern.

With an agonized snarl of anger I push aside the pain and stand up, hands curled like claws and I glare at Doctor Smith. An emotion crosses his face quickly, replaced by the serenity he always projects. But I saw it, and I know it: fear.

I growl and say, “Leave me alone!” The words come out as a scream fueled by anger and pain and betrayal. A strong desire to do more grabs me and words whisper in my mind. _You can make it so they’ll never bother you again. Who would miss them? Not you. It’s the right thing to do after what they did to Jess and Chloe._ With it comes a vision of these people crumbling into dust.

The desire is powerful beyond belief and is joined with a thrilling satisfaction that runs deep into my soul. _Kill them! _It would be so good to end this, to watch Smith’s last moments as I turn his own plans on him! As my mind focuses on that, and the glee seeps into my limbs, Lynn’s words from the other day return to me.

“Who do you want to be?”

The thought stays my hand. I look around. Kate kneels close by, her hand on the lifeless body of Jess but her eyes on me. Beyond, at the cabin, Lynn kneels next to another body. Deep down I know who it is: Chloe. The look on Lynn’s face is enough to tell me that. Next to her is Ethel, her hands on Lynn’s shoulders, trying to pull her back.

_I am not a killer._

_You are the judge and executioner!_

I return my gaze to Doctor Smith. He’s backed away and is issuing orders to the soldiers around him. With a thought, his outer clothes crumble away, leaving him shivering in the cold mountain air.

_I am not a weapon._

“Go,” I command. “And don’t come back!”

There’s a snarl in my head and a sharpness flares briefly, almost bringing me to my knees.

Without hesitation, the soldiers form around Smith and begin the long march down the road. Doctor Smith protests and glares at me, but lets them move him along. I watch until I can no longer see them, my breath heavy the entire time.

_I am a weapon._

_Yes, you are._

The moment they disappear, I let go of whatever was keeping me upright. Immediately, my heart is crushed by pain and loss. I fall to my knees, and make my way across the few feet between myself, Kate, and Jess.

_I don’t deserve them._

I can’t see her, my eyes are so filled with tears. That doesn’t stop me from taking Jess into my arms and cradling her to my chest. This poor girl that they convinced me was my Chloe. The girl who stole my affection and care to further Doctor Smith’s project. Who told me of his true intentions even though that cost her life.

Someone kneels next to me as I cry over Jess. “She’s the one who helped you escape,” Kate whispers. She doesn’t touch me, just sits close to me. I know that. I remember it from my journals, but hearing Kate say it aloud rends me even more. _She gave so much for me. Why?_

Feet pound down the road and Lynn stops in front of me. Her face is hard and her blue eyes flash. “Are you going to let them… be dead,” she screams, “or are you going to save them?”

Her words confuse me and I look between her and Kate. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know how you do it,” Kate murmurs, “but you can bring them back to life without changing anything else in the timeline.”

Lynn leans across Jess’ body, her hands grab my shoulders and I see now that tears stream from her own eyes. “Don’t let her die,” she pleads. “You have to remember! Please remember!” My face becomes wet from her speech and I have to resist wiping it off. I don’t want to let Jess go.

I look down at Jess, her blonde hair ruined and streaked with blood and dirt and mud. Part of her head is destroyed. _Sightless eyes watch me._

“It’s why I’ve hated you for so long,” Lynn sputters, shaking me, “because… because you did it for others b-but you wouldn’t do it for me… for us. Don’t… don’t take her away from me and Kate! Please! She’s all we have left!”

“The first time… it was a family at Crater Lake,” Kate whispers. “A driver lost control of his car and killed a young child. We got there some time later and you… returned the girl to life.”

_First time? There were more?_

I want to believe. I need to believe! But I don’t know what they’re talking about. I don’t know how she did it. My hand strokes Jess hair, smoothing away the dirt and stray strands.

A glimpse of a memory, another time, forms in my mind. Loss. Despair. The grief and wailing of a mother over her dead child. And I see Max, her hard face cracked by the loss witnessed. And I know what to do.

I look at Lynn and touch her face. She flinches and I smile sadly. “I won’t let them die,” I whisper. Her hands drop and her eyes widen.

After a moment, I lean over and kiss Jess on the forehead. I brush her hair from the ruined remains of her face. My fingers trace down her cheek and I remember. She coughs and she is whole, covered in blood and dirt, but whole. Her eyes flutter open to my sad smile. “Max?”

Hands grab my shoulders and shake me. “You did it,” Lynn exclaims as I open my eyes. “Now, save Chloe!”

I smile down at Jess and let my power take shape. A curse splits the air and Lynn springs away from me. She flashes me a smile then takes off in a run. Kate touches my shoulder and says, “Thank you,” then she’s gone also.

“Are you ok… Jess?”

She struggles to a sitting position, and nods. “You look like hell though.” Her fingers reach up but stop before touching my face.

“It’s ok,” I whisper, “I know and… it’s ok.”

She touches my cheek and for a moment I am whole and without pain. It flees as quick as it comes.

Now that my mind isn’t clouded by whatever they did to me, it’s easier to spot how Jess is and isn’t like Chloe.

We help each other to our feet. I do my best to brush the dirt and blood and grime from Jess. “What did they do to you,” she whispers.

“Only what they excel in,” I say, not able to meet her eyes. “Go up and join them. I’ll be there in a moment.”

She looks at me, her grey eyes warm and concerned. “You are who you choose to be,” she whispers. “Not what he tells you. Your friends risked everything to find you. They’ll accept you as you are.”

“Not as much as you. You… lost it all. If I-”

She cuts me off with a finger on my mouth. “But you did,” she says. Her finger falls away. “You are more than the project could see or manage, you always were.”

I nod, not certain I have words for this right now.

She looks at me, her brows lowered a fraction, then she pats my shoulder. “Only a moment, right?”

I nod and she says, “I… don’t believe you. I know you too well. But… only you can decide.” She touches my cheek then turns and walks up the driveway toward the cabin. Behind me come the cries of joy and relief as the little family is reunited. Their happiness stabs me in a way the Doctor’s device or Max’s memories never did. _If not for me, they would never have experienced that loss. _

I turn to watch Jess, another innocent caught in the web of danger and horror that hounds me. There is no escape. There is no choice. I can refuse her all I want, but in the end its futile. The Doctor will always come for Max, and I cannot be her. I refuse to be her. And I refuse to let the little family and Jess and Ethel continue to be hurt by her.

There is a stone inside me. It churns and rolls around in my gut. It pulls me toward the ground as I turn away and walk toward the forest. Up the road is happiness and connection and friendship and family. Things I am no longer part of. I am lost. A person without memory or connection or life. A dangerous power with little restraint. I feel her, Max, in the back of my mind. The face-off with the Doctor freed her from wherever she hid. A weapon is all I am. Fit only for destroying or being destroyed.

At the edge of the road, I pause and look at the group gathered round Chloe. Jess lurks at their edge, not wanting to disturb the happy occasion. Just before I enter the stillness, Chloe catches my eye. Her brow furrows, probably wondering why I’m not headed in their direction.

I turn my head, enter the stillness, and slip into the forest.


	12. A New Beginning

_I don’t belong here._

The realization won’t leave me alone.

_As long as I’m with them, he’ll be after us._

I push myself harder than ever to follow that singular focus.

_I… I’m a weapon, dangerous, shouldn’t be trusted._

Debris and mud and blood cover me; my clothes are stiff with it. Each movement makes my body scream at me. But my mind screams louder. _Go! Get away from them!_

The earth pulls at me, my body a weight greater than I can sustain. Warmth trickles down my face, a slow, wet sign of my struggle. When I touch my lip, my fingertips come away bloody. _I won’t last long in the stillness at this rate._

But I can’t let reality nor the limits of my frail body keep me from doing what I believe is right. I grit my teeth against the pain and weakness that drags me. With feet slow and heavy I stumble further through the quiet forest. Even my steps and groans don’t make any noise.

The forest resists me, like a silent guardian that wants to prevent my flight. The bushes and trees tear at my clothes, at my flesh. Little bits of me are left in my wake. The black ring has returned to my vision and threatens to remove my sight. Determined, or stupid I don’t know which at this point, I ignore all the signs and push myself onward.

The ground beckons me. _Sleep. _And my body wants to listen, oh how it wants to listen! Each little nest of leaves or needles and twigs looks so inviting.

I sway as I walk, stumbling left and right. It’s hard to keep my eyes open, or focused on where I need to walk. It’s a constant struggle to watch where I’m walking instead of seeking a place for respite. Leaves and twigs and more pile onto my feet as I shuffle along. I collapse against a tree, sure I’ve walked a mile, but when I look behind me, I’ve only gone a couple hundred feet into the forest. Not far enough to avoid being found.

And look for me they will. Chloe knows. Her look when our eyes met told me more than I thought looks could. With a groan, I push myself away from the tree and shuffle onward. Bush after tree after bush, I reel from each, a human pinball without course or will of her own. My clothes are torn and ruined by the forest, but I can’t stop now!

When I can barely see, I slump against a tree. My chest heaves from trying to breathe, from pushing myself beyond my limits. Sweat drips down my neck, soaking the collar of my shirt and adding to the stink from the earlier ordeal. The collar chafes me and I want to pull it away. In frustration, I slide down the tree trunk, ignoring the way it scratches and gouges me, until I’m seated on the ground. With my last strength, I bury my head in my knees and hold tight.

From a great distance a voice calls my name. I push it away, ignore it, but it’s insistent.

My eyes crack open, letting in the harsh light of day. Chloe kneels in front of me, her blonde roots a stark contrast to the blue. Her blood is splattered across the porch, soaking into the ground, pooling around her. Over her, Kate and Lynn crouch. They cradle her lifeless body. I think her hand is on my leg, but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel anything, I’m so exhausted.

No, that’s not right. I do feel something: a dull ache that overwhelms all other sensation. My body tells me in no uncertain terms that moving is not in my future.

“Max.”

My eyes snap to Chloe’s face, and even that hurts. But I’m too exhausted, too in pain to do anything about it. Kate and Lynn kneel behind her.

“Leave me alone,” I whisper in a dry cracked voice. Even that much movement strains me.

“Not gonna happen,” Chloe says with a set tone in her voice. “You’re in no shape to be out here by yourself. If you want to be alone, we’ll take you to your room, but we’re not gonna leave you here.” Blood trickles down her face. _Doesn’t anyone see that?_

“Ok,” I whisper. “My room.”

Arms slide under me and lift and I cry out as I’m jostled. The cries turn to whimpers. That thing the Doctor used on me is the most horrible thing ever!

My pain addled mind prevents me from seeing what happens between the tree and the cabin. Sounds are dulled into background static by jolts of fire burning through me. In contrast, where the hands touch me is so cold I begin shivering. That turns the whimpers into what must be cries of agony, because I know my mouth is stretched open, but can’t tell if I’m making any sound.

Time stretches into an endless existence of misery as flash after flash of pain washes through me, overcoming any defense, any resistance. Finally, though, it begins to fade. It lessens to the point where I can tell I’m laying on something soft.

“Max,” Chloe whispers. I want to answer, but my body won’t respond and I lack the will to force it. She doesn’t say my name again.

Darkness comes and goes, whether I’m sleeping or something else, I don’t know. What I do know is after a period of nothingness, my name is whispered again. Chloe. By this time, my pain has dulled enough for me to try answering.

“Yes?” A croak, dry, hoarse and weak is what my voice is.

“Can I do anything for you?”

“Something to drink.”

There is a scrape that sets my teeth on edge, followed by footsteps. I close my eyes and sink into the darkness.

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know, someone is shaking me and calling my name. The ache is gone, but my body still doesn’t like responding when I open my eyes. Chloe leans over me and the room is dimly lit.

“Sorry to wake you, Max,” she says, “but we have to go.” Blood drips down her face.

“Go,” I ask as I slowly sit up. Twinges of pain flash through me.

“Since the Doctor knows where you’re at, the cabin is no longer safe. We gotta leave.”

I turn and swing my legs off the bed, then reel as the room spins. Chloe catches me before I tumble to the floor. She helps me stand and I lean on her with my eyes closed. No, I cling to her, my hands clenched in her shirt as I struggle to stay upright. It takes a long time. The warmth and feel of her arms around me I use as a focus, choosing what I will feel and accept. When at long last the dizziness fades and I open my eyes, I keep tight hold of her.

A glance down shows I’m still wearing dirty clothes. I bet my face is dirty also. My fingers graze my chin, but find it smooth and clean.

“I… washed your face for you,” Chloe says. “And brushed the dirt from your hair, best I could. I wanted to change your clothes too, but Kate told me to wait.”

I slowly nod. “Thanks. Do I have time to take a shower?”

“Sorry, Max. I let you sleep as long as they would let me. All your stuff is packed.” I look at the walls and find the cards are gone, and the journal is no longer on the bedside table.

“Can I at least change clothes?”

“That you can do. Clean clothes are in your bathroom.”

She helps me to the door, then closes it behind me. “If you need help, I’m right outside,” she says just before it shuts.

Changing clothes when your body doesn’t want to move at all isn’t fun. I have to sit on the toilet lid to change my pants, underwear, and socks. It’s like some cruel game where you throw your feet at your clothes, trying to hit the right spot, but never quite getting the height needed. And I have to rest several times. After many minutes, I push myself to my feet, pull up my pants and fasten them. Next I turn on the faucet. Once it’s warm, I wash my hands and face.

With a sack of dirty clothes in one hand, I open the door to find Chloe right outside. Her dead eyes betray no life as she gives me a small smile. She holds out her arm and I groan. “I have to put on my shoes!”

“No worries, I’ll help with that,” she says. I cling to her arm and we make a slow journey to the front room, which is oddly quiet and dark. “Everyone is in the van waiting.”

Chloe kneels down, slides my shoes on my feet and ties them. My hands have to rest on her back to keep myself from falling. Blood soaks through her clothes and coats my hands. Then we’re out the door as slow as can be to the waiting van.

Jess sits in the front passenger seat, her head resting against the window, a hole blown in her face. Ethel is in the drivers seat, tapping her fingers on the steering wheel. I give her a weak smile but she’s not looking at me. The side door slides open, which is really cool, and I see Lynn seated in one of the middle seats. “I’ll take the other middle seat so you can sit with Kate,” I say as I lift my leg into the car.

“You can sit back here,” Kate says cheerfully. “We can have Chloe sit between us, which is the best place for teasing her. It’s hard for her to protect against two people!”

I don’t want to intrude on them, but I can’t refuse Kate’s invitation. With a groan, I lower myself onto the seat and slide to the side. After a few quick breaths I fasten my seatbelt. Chloe is next to me in a moment and fastens her belt. Kate leans over her to hand me a granola bar. Blood and dirt and grime coat her hand. “I’m sure you’re hungry,” she says as I accept it.

The side door closes, Ethel does a quick check over everyone, and we’re off.

Kate reaches into a bag between her feet and pulls out a small bottle of water which she hands to me. I smile a thank you, crack it open, and take a sip. Between that and the granola bar, I’m occupied for a few minutes.

It’s fully dark outside. Above, through the window, I can see stars, bright and beautiful in their twinkling brilliance. They form a thick band across the sky and capture my eyes while I eat. I try not to think about how my life is being upended again.

_What must this be like for Chloe, Kate, and Lynn? They chased me all over… wherever we are. How many times did they have to move? How many times did they have to flee suddenly?_

_What must it be like for Chloe and Jess to know hours ago they were dead. What are they thinking? How do Kate and Lynn accept Chloe’s death and rebirth?_

Those thoughts help keep my focus on others instead of myself, which keeps the panic at bay. It lurks at the edge of my mind, seeking to pounce on me and send me into terror. But soon my thoughts turn back to the earlier events.

_I brought them back to life._

My eyes glance quickly between Chloe and Jess. I see them as they are, and as they were. Living yet dead. Whole but broken.

_I shouldn’t be here, with them._

We drive for an hour or more in complete silence. After many twists and turns we make it to a paved road, then to a highway. At that point Ethel turns on some music and we drive accompanied by high energy punk at a low volume. Chloe starts tapping her hand and foot and bobbing her head. It makes Kate laugh. Lynn shoots her a look, then drags her earbuds from a pocket and puts them in.

“I hear you had an epic showdown with the Doctor,” Chloe says between songs. I peer at her in the dim light, her features eerily shadowed in the darkness. A rictus grin reflects the dim light from Lynn’s tablet.

The image of Kate holding her body on the cabin porch, Lynn next to her and both crying in loss, flashes through my mind. “You… you were dead,” I say, my voice hoarse and soft. _You are still dead. _I shiver as I think that, because I remember Lynn’s grief-stricken face pushed into mine as she pleaded with me to save her, save Chloe.

_What am I that I can bring dead people to life?_

A hand settles onto mine and only then do I realize that they grip each other so tight it hurts. “What’s on your mind?” Chloe whispers.

“I… you were dead and I… brought you back to life.” I’m scared and my voice quavers. “What am I?”

“Is it ok to hold you,” she whispers. I nod and her arm goes around me. A great need to hold someone or something claims me and before I realize it, my arms go around her. It’s awkward and something digs into my side, but I lean my head against her shoulder. She’s tight against me, my hands clamped on her shirt and twisting it into knots.

“You are Max Caulfield, hipster photographer,” she whispers. “A great friend and an Arcadia Bay pirate.” She tells me other things about myself, about a person that I don’t know if I am anymore. If I ever was.

_That’s who she was, and she waits her opportunity to return._

When Chloe pauses, I lift my head and look at her. “How can you say those things when I’m no longer that person? Was I ever that person?”

My words make her frown and her arm tightens around me. “Because you’re still you. I… I’m not asking you to be her. That was mean of me to say. You’re still the same person in the ways that count. That’s what I need to remember.”

I return my head to her shoulder and try to focus on those words. _I’m still the same person in the ways that count. Which ways are those?_ Not long after, we enter a town and pull into a diner parking lot. It’s late, but the diner is open 24 hours. We stumble from the van, my legs stiff, but more responsive than a few hours ago. After a stretch, I head inside behind the others.

We end up in two booths, Ethel and Jess in one, Kate, Lynn, Chloe, and I in another. I look around the 50s themed place with its gleaming silver surfaces and jukebox. One wall holds a large bulletin board pinned with papers and photos. In a corner are some kind of trophies. Only a handful of other people are in the restaurant.

Chloe sits next to Lynn and the two are joking around and snickering and giggling. With her blue-blonde hair, t-shirt, and black jacket, Chloe makes a striking figure, especially when she smiles or laughs. But it’s her care for Lynn and others that really makes her stand out. No one else notices the hole in her head seeping blood. It coats her face and neck, pools on the table between her hands.

The words Lynn spoke about me that first night still burn in my heart. I don’t blame her for that anger. Yet another ember Max created. The events that put it there were severe. Losing most of her family at a young age would do it. Just like it did for Chloe.

And here Chloe is, treating Lynn like a person. Laughing, joking, paying attention to her opinions. From reading my journal, and a few scattered memories, I bet that’s what she needed when William died.

The diner is quiet, yet has an unsettling feel to it. “Have I been here before,” I say slowly.

Chloe and Kate look around. “Nah,” says Chloe, “but it does look a lot like the Two Whales.” Her words trail into silence.

Ruins stretch as far as I can see. Chloe drives her truck slowly, avoiding wreckage scattered on the road. I sit with my head leaned against the window, staring out at the destruction. _Destruction I caused!_ There are survivors because someone started putting sheets over the bodies. But not enough, because too many bodies are caught in the wreckage uncovered.

_I did this. I killed them!_

I barely notice when Chloe stops the truck and rubs my shoulder. It’s enough of a distraction though. I give her a small smile and face forward. Somewhere out there is a place we can start a new life.

The edge of the table cuts into my arm and there are voices calling my name. When my sight clears I see Chloe has reached across the table to hold my hands. Kate has her arm on my shoulders. Both look concerned and speak softly but I don’t hear their words.

“I…” I know what I saw, even if I don’t want to believe it. The first few minutes after Arcadia Bay was destroyed, when Chloe and Max left town. We didn’t stop to see if her mom survived. One look at the diner was enough. 

Chloe looks at me, trickles of blood outlining her sad smile. It drips from her nose, a steady pattern that drives home what I am. Bloody hands hold mine. Bloody fingers leave streaks along my arm. A need to run pushes at me, to get away from the blood and death and pain and everything that follows me, that is me.

“I need some air.” The words tumble from me, a hurried plea and declaration both.

I stumble from the booth, barely keeping myself from falling to the floor, and make my way to the door. Like in the forest, I bounce from table to chair to table, my eyes focused on the door and escape and whatever that is outside that is so much better than what’s in here with me! Sounds follow me, running, pushing, seeking to get me to claim me to pull me back and never let me go. It pushes my feet to an unsteady run and I slam into the door. _I have to get out of here!_

The door won’t budge! I push and push and beat at it and scream at it but nothing happens! A voice speaks in my ear and I yelp in fear and try to spin away but then the door is open and I’m running and running and running and it’s never fast enough, never far enough, never good enough.

The voice follows me, taunting, mocking me with kindness and goodness. All the things I am not but that they want me to be. _I… I can’t be here! I shouldn’t be here!_

The cold night air is shocking against my skin and it tears at me. It wants my warmth, my life, but I won’t give it! I run away from the diner, from the memory, from her. I run until I can’t run any more, which isn’t far enough because it follows me, intent on making me see what she did. What I did.

Bodies, broken and twisted line the streets. They hang from holes in the buildings. Blood drips in an endless patter. Lifeless eyes watch me as I run. _They know. Oh, fuck, they know!_

When I can’t go on, I fall to the ground and bury my face in my knees. My hands tear at myself, pulling my clothes, my hair, anything they can. But I can’t block out the bodies stuck in my mind, their knowing eyes that see through me and unravel who I am, the sense of devestation and loss that Max felt as we drove through the streets. That I felt when I realized what she’d done. And all for the girl next to me in the truck.

“Did you have another memory return,” Kate says, causing me to raise my head. Her blurry face looks sad as she crouches in front of me. One hand reaches toward me as if to comfort. Blood drips from it, Chloe’s blood.

A strong desire grabs hold of me and before I know it, I’ve pulled Kate to me and I’m clinging to her. My fingers grip her shirt tight, pull her into me and I’m crying. The scenes of ruination play over and over and with them comes a profound sense of loss and guilt. These were what Max felt and they come to me now as if I’m in the middle of it.

And I am because I can hear the sounds of the seagulls, the crash of the surf. But the smells aren’t those of the ocean, it’s sharp iron and sour acrid and stings my eyes and nose.

“I killed them, all of them!” My hate filled words tumble over each other in their haste to escape me. “What am I!”

“You didn’t kill them,” Kate whispers in my ear. Her hands are on my back, holding me tight. She angles us into a different position and holds me, rocking back and forth. Through my crying I hear her singing, but I don’t understand the words. It has a calming effect though and gradually my sobbing stops and I let myself be in the moment.

There’s a soft, pleasing scent that fills my nose now, like sunshine and honey. I lean a little closer to verify that, yes, it’s Kate. I cling to it, wanting it to purge the lingering memory of how that place smelled.

“It was the day after the storm.” My voice is crackly and low. Her singing doesn’t skip though I’m sure the mention must bring back memories for her too.

“You didn’t kill them,” she repeats.

“How can you say that? That I didn’t… kill your parents and sister?”

She sighs. “How much do you remember of the storm and everything that happened before it?”

“Memories? Not much. I mostly know what I’ve read in my journals.”

“I miss my parents and sister a lot. I won’t deny that. We don’t know why the storm came. We don’t know if letting Chloe die would stop it, and I don’t want to find out. There’s a lot of circumstantial evidence but no real proof.

“What I do know is how much you love her and others. It tore you apart to witness all that destruction. The guilt you felt, not for surviving, but for not trying the alternatives, ate you up. You, a girl who wouldn’t hurt a fly, witnessing such horrors and telling herself it was your fault.

“It wasn’t your fault, Max. It never was.”

“Then whose fault was it?”

“I… don’t know. Maybe it wasn’t anyones fault.”

We sit there a long time in silence and I realize how good it feels to be in her arms. “What are… you and Chloe?”

There’s a slight stiffening to her when I ask the question and the rocking stops. “It’s a little hard to describe… or maybe hard for some people to understand,” she finally says. “Girlfriends is the easiest description, but doesn’t really fit. Emotional Relationship fits best but sounds weird.”

She tilts her head to look at me and there’s a tenderness to her face I’ve never seen. Of course, I can’t recall anything older than two weeks, so what do I know. “I know you really want to understand this and she and I really want to discuss this together with you, Max. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it without her here. We both love you and… have room for you if you’ll accept it. More than that, she needs to be here.”

“I don’t really understand that,” I admit, “but I see how happy the two of you are together. And that’s good.” _And when I’m in your arms I feel safe._

She smiles at my words and it’s beautiful. I blink rapidly at the realization.

“I’m glad,” she whispers. “Are you well enough to go back inside?”

I hesitate, then say, “Can… we stay here a while longer?” _Can I stay in your arms forever?_

She smiles and a new star comes to life in my heart and it moves me in a way that I don’t understand. “Of course,” she whispers and she tenderly kisses my head.

With her arms around me, she returns to her gentle rocking motion and gives voice to a song I don’t recognize. I close my eyes and let myself sink into the strange, strong feelings she stirs in me. And I choose to feel them, to let them become part of me.

When my eyes open again, I look beyond her smile to the stars still visible despite the streetlights. There’s a beauty to the stars that almost matches what I feel and see in Kate and Chloe. A beauty they often show me. How such beauty can grow and live in the midst of the ruin I brought to her life I don’t understand. And maybe I don’t need to.

A soft sigh escapes me and I tighten my arms around her. “You’re special, you know that?”

A light laugh escapes her lips and she says, “Chloe often tells me that. But all I am is a person who loves others and wants to help them however I can.”

“That’s what makes you special.”

She doesn’t answer, but I see the smile my words brought to her and I lean my head on her shoulder. We sit that way, me lost in her warmth and arms and she… I don’t know what she’s lost in, but she looks at me from time to time, always with that soft look usually reserved for Chloe.

“Is it ok to go back inside now,” she whispers.

I nod and together we stand and help brush each other off. Her arms slip from around me, but our hands find each other. “Is it ok if we hold hands,” she asks.

I smile and say, “Yes.” Together we return to the diner and there’s a happy energy that runs through me, which starts at our joined hands. Right now I can face anything!

Chloe sees us coming and her eyes fall to our hands. There’s a sly smile on her face and she turns and whispers something to Lynn. They both break out in laughter.

“What are you two laughing at,” Kate says as she slides into the booth.

“Oh, nothing,” Chloe says, her grin bigger than ever. No matter how much we ask, neither she nor Lynn will tell us. Lynn can’t help laughing when she looks at her sister and I. I accept that as a good thing.

We were gone so long that Chloe ordered food for us. Toast, salad, and a plate of steamed vegetables sits in front of me. The smell of meat no longer makes me sick, which is good because Chloe’s eating the biggest hamburger I’ve ever seen. And it’s getting all over! Each bite oozes mustard and ketchup and other things out the back.

The meal passes without incident. Chloe and Lynn keep up a constant stream of chatter and jokes. As we near the end, Ethel and Jess come to our booth. “Hey,” Ethel says, “There’s a Greyhound bus station in town. I’m going to take Jess there. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

I draw in a quick breath at her message. Quickly wiping my face, I hurry after them and grab Jess’ hand. “No,” I say, “don’t go.”

Jess gives me a sad smile and it breaks my heart. She looks over my shoulder, then back to me. “Come with me outside,” she says and turns. She leads me out because I won’t let go of her hand.

We walk toward the van, Ethel ahead of us. “Thank you for not wanting me to go.” Jess stops and turns to face me. “I… I shouldn’t be with you. The right place for me is prison after the things I-” Her words break off with a choke and she looks away.

She’s not my Chloe, and the feelings I have for her are manufactured by a person I hate. But I can’t deny they are my feelings. I wrap my arms around her and rest my head on her chest, a familiar position. “Please don’t,” she whispers throatily. “You don’t know what I’ve done to you. I…” her hands are on my shoulders pushing me away but I won’t let go.

“I don’t want you to go!”

“Being with you… when I look at you, I’m reminded of all the things I did, the ways I willingly hurt you. When those memories return, you’ll hate me, like I hate me.”

“No,” I protest and look up at her. “You’re my Chl-Jess! I won’t hate you.”

Her face wilts at my words and she looks away again. “Just wait. You will. I… I can’t live with myself and I can’t stay with you.”

“Where will you go? Will there be someone to help you? To support you? To love you?” I’m pouring everything I have into my words. She has to stay with us!

She stares up at the night sky and I see a tear trickle down one cheek. My finger wipes it away, but more follow. She pushes away from me and kind of collapses inward. When I move to comfort her, she shakes her head and moves further away.

“I’ll… I’ll be alright, Max,” she says, though her voice and body tell me a different story. “Go back to your friends, to the people who put your welfare above their own.”

“Tell me where you’re going, please? I want you to be ok.”

“I’m headed home to my parents. Thank you… for caring even though you shouldn’t.”

“How can I find you? When this is done I want to find you!”

She sniffles and wipes her nose. “You don’t give up easily, do you.” She walks to the van and Ethel rolls down her window. A few minutes later, she returns with a slip of paper in her hand. “Here’s my phone number and email address. If you do call me, hang up after the first ring, wait a few seconds then call again. I’ll know it’s you.”

I take the paper and before she can do anything I wrap her in a tight hug. “Be safe.” My throat is so tight the words barely make it out. There’s a stone in my chest as she gives me a wan smile and walks to the van. I watch them drive away and it’s like part of myself is gone. _Will I ever see her again?_

The ground beneath me is thin ice and is fractured. At any moment, I’ll plunge through and my world will fall apart. Again.

An arm drapes across my shoulders. “It doesn’t feel like it,” Chloe says, “but it’s really for the best. She was in a lot of pain being with us.”

I turn and bury my face in her shoulder. My life keeps changing. Each time it undoes whatever stability and comfort I found.

She takes me back to the diner, my face a mess from both crying episodes. Everything seems like it’s teetering on the edge of a cliff. My appetite is gone and I push my unfinished food away and lay my head on my arms.

Fingers rub my back as I look away from Kate. I’m crying again. _When will all this stop?_


	13. Open Road

The numbness lasts and lasts. Kate’s friendly gestures fade into the sense of nothing that holds me fast. After a few minutes, Chloe comes to my side of the booth. I scoot as close to Kate as I can, giving her barely enough room. She sits on the bench and holds me close. I should feel something, but nothing pierces that cloud of un-being. Instead, I’m waiting for the next thing to undo me.

The server comes, clears away the dishes and refills our drinks. I sit, cradled against Chloe and watch the bubbles rise to the top of my water. They cling to the straw in little clumps. Chloe and Kate say things to me, but I don’t hear them. Across from us, Lynn shoots occasional glances my way, but otherwise focuses on her tablet.

We sit that way until Ethel returns. She enters my sphere of existence to tell us that Jess got on a bus. The direction Jess took she doesn’t share with me. At her appearance, Chloe pulls me gently from the booth.

_I am nothingness and I bring nothingness._

Chloe leads me from the diner by the hand and I shuffle step after her. In the van I sit between her and Kate. Both hold my hands and speak words to comfort me. I don’t hear anything they say. There is nothing in my two weeks of existence to prepare me for anything that’s happened.

My hands for once lay on my lap, wrapped in theirs and content to be still. They twitch sometimes and I study their form. Smooth, pale, slender, unable to hold anything in my life. Unable to shield me from harm or keep happiness close to me. _What use are hands if they can’t do that?_

We’re driving, driving, always driving. The next thing I know, I’m being jostled. “Hey,” Kate says, “we’re at a motel for the night.”

I look around, my vision hazed by sleep. A long low building extends beyond the van. It may be blue, it’s paint dark in the night, but not dark enough to mask the places it’s chipped and peeling. A chill breeze blows over my shoulders. The back door of the van is open. With Kate’s help I exit the van and stumble to a door where Chloe stands. “This one’s our room,” she says.

I move past her into the dimly lit room. Two beds, a tv attached to one wall, a couple of chairs and carpet with hideous designs are what I see at a glance. There’s a stale air to the room, like it’s been locked away for a long time. Opposite the door is a large mirror over a sink and long counter. I watch myself enter, a mockery of a human that shambles like a marionette without its strings.

Ethel enters long enough to toss my backpack on the bed closest to the door. She smiles, bids us goodnight, and leaves. “She and Lynn are sleeping in the room next door,” Kate explains as she and Chloe edge past me into the room. They place their bags on the far bed.

I sit on the hard bed and stare at the floor. The other two busy themselves with whatever while I stare at the hideous carpet. “What are we doing?”

When I get no response, I repeat myself, louder. “Keeping you away from the evil Doctor,” Chloe replies.

“If he found me at the cabin, won’t he find me here?”

The bed moves as Chloe sits next to me. “Ethel thinks it will take him time to come for you. He has bosses and after what you did to him, they won’t be too happy. Plus, as she tells it, he’ll have tons of forms to fill out. An administrator’s dream. We stay ahead of them and keep you safe. That’s our plan.”

_I should have killed him._

_No!_

“How does Ethel know that?”

“She has a contact or two in the project.”

“What kind of life is that? For you and Kate? For Lynn? Always on the move…”

“It’s a shitty life. But we chose it.”

_I doubt Lynn chose it._

I want to protest that I’m not worth it, but I’m too exhausted to debate that right now. Instead, I nod and grab my pack. I take it with me into the bathroom and change into my pajamas. The coolness of the bathroom is a surprise to me after the stuffiness of the motel room. I hurry into my shorts and top, folding my clothes and placing them into my bag. A moment later my bra joins them, folded neatly.

The tile floor is cold underfoot and makes me want to rush from the room. At the same time, I’m away from people and their emotions. The sound of the fan is pleasant. I move my bag to the far wall and sit on the toilet lid.

Through my head runs all sorts of thoughts and images. The destruction of Arcadia Bay. Scenes from the missions She participated in. The uncertainty I often see in Chloe and Kate when discussing life before the project. The horrible manipulation of Doctor Smith. Jess, who participated then gave everything she had to save me. Twice.

My boney elbows press into my legs as I push my face into my hands. _Why is all this happening? Why me? Why us?_

_And now we’re on the run. I… _There’s a world of chaos and mystery outside the bathroom. A world I didn’t ask for, nor know how to live in. But I won’t find any answers or long term solace sitting into this place of cracked tiles and mildew. With a sigh, I stand and grab my bag.

When I exit to wash my face and brush my teeth, Kate and Chloe are on their bed holding hands. I drop my pack by the wall and finish my bedtime preparations.

When I walk toward the beds, Kate speaks up. “Would now be an ok time to talk about us?”

“Sure.” I seat myself on the other bed. Weariness drags at my limbs and eyes, but I want to know more. Her question sends a spark through me that temporarily pushes back the sleep. I sit cross-legged and lay my hands in the space between, palms up.

“What’s life like for you right now,” Kate asks. That is not what I expected and I look over at them. Chloe reclines on her side, head propped on one hand, the other hand in Kate’s lap. Kate also sits cross-legged, holding Chloe’s hand and lightly caressing it. She wears cute pink pajamas with little bunnies on them while Chloe’s are simple blue shorts with a black top.

Those observations both distract me, and help me put my thoughts into words that I hope make sense. “It’s scary. I don’t know who I am. I get these… memories from my past but it’s like watching another person’s life, not mine. When it seems like I have a sense of stability and self, life changes. I’m in a constant freefall.”

Kate shifts and looks at Chloe briefly before rising to come sit near me. “How can we help you?”

“I don’t know?”

We’re silent for a while. My hands busy themselves with flipping the hem of my pajama shorts back and forth. “May I share with you something that has helped Chloe and I?”

I shrug, my fingers now busy with the seam on the shorts. I hate seams, they scratch and irritate. “Sure.” My answer is barely heard over the low hiss of the air from the under-window unit behind us.

“We set aside a time each night that is our safe time. During that period, we speak what’s on our mind without fear of judgment, even if it’s about the other person. It’s helped us to be open and honest with each other.”

I look between her and Chloe, who’s now sitting up. My incredulity must be evident because Chloe speaks up. “Before we did that we’d do and say things that hurt each other, because we didn’t have a safe way of talking about them.”

“When Lynn and I first moved in, we both had a lot of pain and anger. We hurt because we lost friends and family in the storm. We were mad they died, mad that you two had each other. Our pain only became worse when we learned the details behind the storm. I was so angry at the two of you and did horrible things because I didn’t feel like it was safe to discuss. And I didn’t fully understand my feelings.

“One night, Chloe in her off-the-cuff way, got in my face and told me to speak my mind. She said she’d rather have me speak truthfully about how I felt about her than hide it.”

“That’s not quite what I said,” Chloe interrupts, “but your version is nicer.”

After giving Chloe a playful glare, Kate continues, “We were in the kitchen and both you and Lynn were gone. She told me she’d had enough of our moping around and hidden meanings in what we did and said. She told me to speak my mind, that she wouldn’t care or be hurt by what I said.

“She pushed and pushed and it made me angry. So I told her I wished she had died instead of my parents and sister. That seeing her alive each day was a reminder that my sister died so she could live and it hurt so much! She stood there and took it, without a smile or a wisecrack.

“When I was done, she said it was the same for her. Every moment of every day was a reminder to her that she lived while many others didn’t. We ended up talking most of the day and that’s when we created this arrangement, of a safe time.

“It’s not just about us saying what’s on our mind, and it’s not about attacking the other person. We spend time talking through our feelings and find ways to understand or improve or change or support each other. That honesty is at the root of our relationship.

“We’d like to offer the same to you, Max. You’re going through things none of us have and we can’t imagine how you feel.”

“Telling anyone what’s going on in your head has always been hard for you,” Chloe whispers. She shifts closer to the edge of the bed. “And I think is one reason we’re here.” There’s an anticipation and expectation to her that presses against my skin. I look away, focusing my eyes on the drab bed covering.

“We offered this to you… before everything with the project happened,” Kate says. “Like Chloe said, putting your thoughts into words is hard, but we want to help you.”

“Isn’t what I already said enough,” I ask.

“It’s a start,” Kate admits, “tell us more about being in a freefall.”

My hands stray to the blanket to trace the dated patterns on it. “Like… I have no control or say in my life. Things keep happening and I don’t understand them. Even with you… you’re both so nice to me and I know there should be something there, but there isn’t and I don’t understand it.

“And then…” I draw a shuddering breath. “Then someone I do know shows up and leaves. Only do I really know her? Aren’t my memories of her fake, made up by someone who’s manipulating me? And what if… what if the two of you… what if you’re not who you say you are?

”What do I really know? At any moment I expect this to end and another tragedy to force itself into my life and take away everything I know and I just… I just don’t know!”

By the end of my little speech, I’m out of breath and my eyes are closed. The words I spoke don’t match what’s inside though and that frustrates me. There are too many things swirling around and competing for attention. My hands clench as the frustration rushes through me.

“That’s a good start,” Kate says after a few moments. The bed moves to my right and I feel a hand on mine.

“Is this ok,” Chloe asks. After a moment, I nod.

“Earlier tonight,” Kate says, “you asked what Chloe and I are to each other. I told you we love each other, and that we love you. You’re a part of us, Max. We want you to feel safe sharing what’s on your mind, even if you don’t understand it or if you think it’ll hurt us.”

“That includes saying you no longer care about me,” Chloe adds.

“I do care about you, I think. I… I don’t know what I feel about either of you,” I say. “It’s like there’s some deep part of me that cares for you, but I don’t get it. I… don’t think I can trust my feelings.”

“Because of Jess,” Chloe prompts when I don’t saying any more. I nod.

“It wasn’t her fault,” I whisper, “but…” My eyes remain closed and I focus on the light caresses she’s placing on my arm and I shudder.

“But at the same time, both of you know me so well, at least some of what I am and what I like. Even before I do. Were the three of us a… couple? Trio? Before all this?”

“Yes,” Kate whispers.

“And you want that again?”

“We want you to be safe and healthy and yourself.”

I open my eyes and look at Chloe. “What about you?”

“Not gonna lie,” she whispers with a small smile, “I want our friendship and more. But I also want you to be ok. That’s more important to me.”

That makes me smile because I hear the genuineness of her words. “So, how does this work?”

“How does what work?”

“Whatever you’re proposing?”

“Right now,” Kate says, “we’d like you to join our time of safe talk each night. And if you need it to happen sooner with one or both of us, tell us. We schedule it each night to make certain we don’t let a day pass without it happening.”

That explains why they’d disappear together at least once a day. I nod slowly. “Ok, I can do that.”

“Anything beyond that,” she continues, “will only be what you want and accept. What we have is based upon trust, respect, and acceptance. Tell us what you’ll accept, or tell us when we go too far. There’s no shame in that.”

“Kate here enjoys hugs and kisses, hand-holding, and even cuddling, but keep your hands away from her girly bits,” Chloe says with a teasing smile. I notice a blush rising up Kate’s face, and I must have a matching one because my neck burns. “Whereas I’m more prone to explore and find myself-”

“Ok, I get it,” I interrupt. But I don’t really get it. The safe talk thing makes sense, kind of. But now what are they talking about? “I… I don’t think I’m ready for what you’re describing. Let’s keep to the basics, ok?”

“Sure,” Chloe says with her cocky grin. There’s a warmth behind it though.

“Remember,” Kate says as she scoots closer. “We want you to feel safe, and to heal. If we do something you don’t like, please tell us. We’d rather you speak up.” Her hand reaches out and tentatively touches mine. “You’re our friend, and we don’t hurt our friends.”

She gives me a warm smile and I’m expecting something more when she suddenly lifts her arms in a stretch. “Well,” she says after a yawn, “I don’t know about you girls, but I need some sleep. Who’s sleeping with me tonight?”

_What?_

“If it’s ok with Max,” Chloe says hesitantly, “I’d like to sleep with her.”

Kate pouts, her bottom lip sticking out, and says, “Fine. I see how it is. We get a new girl in our group and I’m immediately cast aside.”

“Oh, Kate,” I exclaim, not really understanding what is happening, “I’ll sleep with you.” _Wait! What did I just say?_

“Uh,” Chloe now looks confused. But Kate smiles devilishly.

“Oh,” she purrs, “fighting over me already?”

I look between the two of them. I really don’t know what’s happening and what I agreed to. They were playing and I wanted to be part of it, but now? Kate slips from the bed, then kisses the top of my head. “I’m teasing,” she whispers in my ear. “Sleep with Chloe, please. She… she needs it.” She gives my ear a kiss, then wanders into the bathroom and closes the door.

I look over at Chloe who has her mouth open and is wide-eyed. She quickly recovers though and closes her mouth with a click. “Damn,” she whispers, “she can get really fiesty.”

“I… uh… don’t really understand what’s happening,” I admit.

“Sleeping arrangements is all, Max,” she says as she slides off the bed. She grabs another pillow from the bed Kate was on. “Nothing more than that.” She steps toward the sink area, then pauses. “One thing, I like being the big spoon. Is that ok with you?”

“What does that mean?”

“Is it ok if I hold you while we sleep.”

“I guess?”

“Ok. Like Kate said. If you feel uncomfortable, tell me.”

“Ok.”_ Am I uncomfortable? Numb, yes._

Chloe looks at me several moments, then gently says, “Is it ok that we share a bed?”

I glance between her and the bed. A nervous energy fills me. “Sleep and hugs, nothing else,” she says. Tension drains from my shoulders when she says that.

“Yes, we can share a bed.”

With that, she goes to the sink and brushes her teeth. Kate exits the bathroom and joins her. I understand the words they said, but they don’t make sense. _Safe talk. Sleeping arrangements._

I do like Kate’s words about not hurting friends. That brings to mind her words from the other day, “you were always my special one.” For once, a warmth stirs in my heart, beating back the numbness. _We were a… trio? Before the project. Can I learn that again?_

After a moment I climb under the covers. I like cocooning myself so I quickly pull the sheet and blanket around me and over my head. Only part of my face is exposed. Outside is uncertainty and problems and confusion, but in my cocoon nothing can touch me. At least that’s how it feels.

The bed shifts from what I guess is Chloe getting in bed with me. Moments later, someone is pressed against my back. I stop breathing as I try to figure out what I’m supposed to do. An arm drapes over me and a voices whispers in my ear, “Goodnight my little caterpillar.”

The lights go out and I’m still holding my breath. Her arm presses against me. Within moments her hand slips under my side, holding me in a one-armed hug. Her breath runs through my hair, sweeping down the back of my shirt. I should be hot with her warm body pressed against me, but I’m not.

“You ok?”

“Huh?” My voice must be too loud because Kate speaks up.

“Do you two need your own room?”

Chloe chuckles and says, “Sorry. Just making sure Max is ok.” She lowers her voice and repeats her earlier question.

I make certain I’m breathing properly before I reply, and do so in a whisper. “Yes… just confused.”

“Would it help if I let you go or wasn’t so close?”

She offers that willingly, though I hear hints of other things in her voice. I take a few seconds to compose my response. “No. I… I like it, I think. I just don’t understand why.”

“Ok. Good night.”

“Good night.”

Her arm squeezes me in a comfortable way. I can’t recall ever being held like this, which is a shame because as I make myself relax I find that I like it. Comfort and safety gradually take control of the uncertainty of my mind and pushes it away. I close my eyes and let myself feel.

* * *

Darkness. A faint sound, maybe crying? I open my eyes. After a few minutes, they adjust to remind me we are in a motel room. The sound comes again, from behind me, then again. Chloe’s arm no longer wraps me in safety.

I turn over to see Chloe at the far edge of the bed, with her back toward me. The sound comes from her. I prop myself with an arm and look at her.

Her hands cover her face and her shoulders shake. My free hand cautiously reaches out and touches her shoulder. She jerks and pulls away, almost tumbling from the bed. “Sorry,” I whisper. “Are… are you ok?” I cringe even as I ask the question. _Of course she isn’t ok! She’s crying in the dark._

Chloe quickly wipes her face and rolls to face me. “Yeah, I’m ok.” But she doesn’t look at me while she speaks and it’s clear there is something wrong.

“Then why the tears?”

Her face hardens and she hisses, “I told you I’m ok.” Kate makes a sound and we both look at the other bed. She rolls over and snuggles into her blanket. I return my gaze to Chloe.

“What’s the thing you said earlier? Safety time? Tell me what’s on your mind.”

Her eyes search me and I try my hardest not to squirm. “It’s selfish and it’ll hurt you,” she whispers.

“It’s already hurting you.”

She turns on her side to face me, but her eyes no longer focus on mine. Her fingers begin tracing designs on the sheet between us. “You’re… fuck, I don’t know how to begin!”

“Just tell me.”

“I’m the reason you don’t remember anything. A person that saw me instead of my problems, who loved me for who I am, not what they want me to be, and when you need the same from me? You didn’t get it! I pushed you and pushed you until you entered that project. I killed the person who loved me more than anything!” Her last words are strangled by a cry that she stifles by shoving her hand into her mouth.

“I’m not dead, though,” I say, confused by her behavior. It’s the wrong thing to say because she turns over, showing me her back.

“I’m sorry, I… I don’t understand.” I stare at her hunched back, uncertain and confused.

She eventually rolls over to look at me with her sad eyes. “I’m sorry, Max. That wasn’t fair of me.” She takes a deep breath, and her hand slowly crawls over to rest on mine. She raises one eyebrow, which I imagine means ‘is this ok’ and I nod.

“You’ve… always required a little more when it comes to people,” she whispers. “So, I guess in that way, you’re still the same.” She sighs and curls her fingers around mine. “I’m crying because tonight was the first time in almost two years that I’ve been able to hold you like that… and you aren’t the girl I remember. And if it weren’t for me pushing you to enter that fucking project, that girl… she’d still be here with us!”

“Or,” I slowly say, “you’d be miserable because she was uncontrollable and caused problems everywhere she went.”

Her eyes study me, though I don’t meet them. I’m watching her fingers wrapped around mine. It wasn’t that long ago that every touch from her triggered memories of Jess, manufactured memories. That no longer happens and a mixture of emotions I can’t comprehend flows through me.

“Do you… do you remember her,” she asks breathless.

“Do you mean the other Max, the before?”

“Yes.”

“Not clearly. A few memories with you have resurfaced, but mostly it’s… time with him, Doctor Smith. He encouraged that mean side of her. The entire project was based upon a form of mind control, I think. A way to keep her docile when not needed, then transform her…” I close my eyes as memories start flashing through my mind, but closing my eyes makes it worse.

“You’re remembering right now, aren’t you?”

I nod, my teeth gritted so hard my jaw aches. It’s the memory of when he made her turn on the innocents and it sickens me. Right then and there I decide that Kate and Chloe must never know this! They don’t need that on their consciences.

“What are you remembering?”

“Killing people.” My voice is hollow and I make myself look into her eyes. “Please,” I beg, “can we talk about something else? Not these memories?”

She nods and squeezes my fingers lightly. “Do you have any good memories? Memories of us?”

“From past me, only the one memory from my 13th birthday party. I do remember our water fight in the cabin.” My fingers reach up and trace her mouth. “And our kiss. I’m sorry I’m not her, for your sake. There’s a pain you have that I don’t understand and I’m sorry you have it.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Chloe,” I say, “you did what you thought best. Either way, I think you’d have lost her. This way… this way you at least have a broken copy that’s not hellbent on keeping you alive no matter what.”

“You aren’t a broken copy,” she whispers and her hand comes to my cheek.

“I’m a person without a past or a sense of who she is. I… need some time to figure things out but everything’s moving too fast.”

“We’ll find out a way to give you that time.” She scoots closer.

“Was she also like that?”

“Yeah. One of her favorite things to do was find a calm place without people. She’d sit there in peace and think.”

“Well, there’s something else we have in common.” I take her hand in mine and play with her fingers. “How are you feeling now?”

“Like this,” she says, and presses her lips against mine. Unlike the kiss after our water fight, this one isn’t filled with a wild passion. It’s gentle, sweet, and short. “Was that ok,” she says when she pulls away.

My lips taste faintly of mint, probably her toothpaste. There’s a little tingle and faint heat from the contact and I lick my lips. “It is,” I whisper. I place a hand on her chest before she can do anything else. “I… need time to figure things out, Chloe. I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” She gently says. “You’ve only been able to remember things for two weeks! Take your time. You set the boundaries. I’m sorry for pushing it right now.”

Her words warm me and I smile at her. “I’m fine with the handholding and hugs and similar things. They… help me, especially when I’m feeling lost.”

“Just like her,” she breathes and I ignore it.

There’s a loud snrk from the other bed and our eyes open wide. I clamp a hand over my mouth as a giggle threatens to escape. “I didn’t know she snored,” I choke between my fingers.

With a big grin, Chloe says, “she mostly does it when she sleeps by herself. I keep her on her side.”

“That’s another thing I don’t understand,” I whisper once I have control of my giggles. “You, Kate, me? I barely understand you and I and that’s with two journals and a large photo album to help me!”

“There’s no mystery,” she says. “Kate thrives on emotions. Sex isn’t an attraction for her. We’ve tried a few times, and each time… it’s not what she needs or wants. She’s taught me a lot about people and emotions and caring. She will hold you and give to you in a way that I can’t describe. You will feel loved more than anything else. And there’s nothing like making her feel the same. She’s a treasure.”

“And…” I try to wrap my head around what she just said. The sex part doesn’t confuse me. Right now that’s not something I find appealing. “She loves both of us?”

“And I love both of you.”

Now my head hurts and I don’t understand why. Without memories, shouldn’t it be easier to learn this? “I think that’s another thing that will take time,” I say after a shake of my head. “Or maybe I’ll forget what confuses me and just accept it.”

“I’ve seen the looks you get when she smiles or laughs,” Chloe teases. Heat creeps up my neck and face. “Oh, you thought I didn’t notice!”

“I thought… my journals only spoke about you, not the three of us!”

“Well, that’s a mistake. Don’t you make that mistake. She loves you dearly.”

I like this chat we’re having. My mind is relaxed in a way it hasn’t been since I regained the ability to remember. My hand goes to her cheek and strays into her hair. I trace the outline of her ear with my fingertips; its edge is both hard and soft to my touch. I play with her earrings. My lips burn and want to taste her again, but I hold myself back.

“There’s one thing I’d like, if it’s ok,” I say hesitantly.

“What’s that Maximillian?”

“I’d like to hold you, like you were holding me.”

She looks at me a long time in the dark, the faint light seeping into the room glinting off her eyes. “Ok,” she says, and rolls onto her side.

I cuddle up behind her and press myself tight against her. I pull her into my cocoon, the blankets and sheets wrapped around us. The world is outside, cold, dark, and waiting to hurt me again. But in here, with Chloe, her warmth seeps into me. And something else, a sensation I can’t describe or name. I snuggle against her back and there’s a need to press tight against her, like I have to merge myself into her somehow. She gasps as I tighten my arms to do that.

“Sorry,” I say, and loosen my grip. She’s too tall for me to fit against her like she does with me, but I make do. I bury my face into her neck and hold her with both arms. A tingle spreads up my left arm from her laying on it, but I won’t move. I have to hold her, like she’s the only thing keeping me here right now. I don’t understand this sudden need, but she seems to like it. Her body trembles and her hands fold over mine.

“Is this ok,” I whisper in her ear.

“Hella ok,” she says in a hoarse voice. I make a mental note to ask her about that in the morning. Right now, I need sleep and this closeness. “Goodnight,” I whisper before placing a kiss on the back of her neck.

“Goodnight.”

* * *

Morning comes too early and I awaken to Kate shaking me. With her cheerful smile and sing-song voice, she’s definitely a morning person. I groan and pull the pillow over my head. That prompts someone to throw a pillow at me. It must be Kate, because I hear Chloe say, “Oh, you’re on girl!”

The sounds of soft thumps from pillows and giggles fills the air. I poke my head up to see pillows flying between them! An impish grin seizes my face and with a swift motion I sit up and lob my pillow at Chloe. It thwacks her on the head, bringing a laugh from Kate.

“Max! You’re gonna get it,” Chloe growls at me before she launches two pillows in quick succession. They both smack me and I join in the fray.

“Ladies!” Ethel’s voice splits through our laughter and other sounds.

“Damn! I want to sleep with you three tonight,” Lynn says.

I look over to find Ethel and Lynn standing in the open motel door. A chill wind sweeps through the open door and I yelp and pull the blanket over me. “You have 30 minutes to get ready. I want to be out of here at 8 sharp!” Ethel gives each of us a glare, but she can’t hide the twinkle in her eye, nor the tug of a smile on her lips. She’s quick though, pushing Lynn out the door and closing it moments before pillows hit it.

“30 minutes,” she yells through the door.

“Ugh, that’s barely enough time to take a shower,” Kate gripes as she walks over to claim the pillows.

“Speak for yourself,” Chloe says as she pulls the neck of her pajama shirt away and sniffs. “I could skip today, or at least wait until tonight. Max, though, she needs to take one. I’m surprised you didn’t take one last night.” She looks at me expectantly.

“Everything that happened with Jess and then our talk kind of distracted me,” I said as I climb out of bed.

“You take the shower, then, Max,” Kate says, “I’ll wait until tonight, like Chloe. I need to do my hair and it will take too long.”

“You know,” Chloe said as she walks up to Kate, “you would look super cute with short hair.” She reaches up and plays with a long strand of Kate’s hair that had come undone. Kate playfully swats her hand away. It’s odd watching them while I gather clothes to change into.

“Short and dye it, maybe black. Or maybe a mixture of colors.” Chloe’s other hand goes to Kate’s hip and pulls her close.

“And what kind of role model would I be for Lynn?” Kate asks in a teasing voice. They stand hip to hip and look so cute like that!

Before Chloe can reply, I shut myself into the bathroom. They are too distracting, and confusing. I turn on the shower, spread the thin floor mat, then undress in the small space. My clean clothes are on the back of the toilet, perched on a wash cloth. I find another cloth and spread it on the lid where I can place my pajamas. My underwear can go on the floor since it needs washed. That done, I stick my hand into the stream of water and find it a good, warm temperature. I open the shower curtain and step into the warm spray.

Showers are one of my favorite places. The streams of water make a sound that not only blocks other noises, it brings a sense of calm with it. And the warmth! Oh my, the warm water washing over my skin is amazing! The small motel bathroom adds another element: it quickly becomes warm, making me forget the cold that awaits outside.

Within moments of entering the shower, I’m in my own place and for one moment it’s like everything makes sense and I can move on with life, despite my confusion and uncertainty. With my whole heart, I want this moment to stretch into eternity, but banging on the door rips me from that peaceful place.

“Caulfield! Get your ass out of there! We’ve got five minutes!”

_Five minutes! No, no, no! How did the time pass so quickly!_

“Coming,” I yell.

With quick motions I unwrap the bar of soap and quickly scrub my body with it. There’s no way I can properly wash my hair now. I’m sure it stinks after yesterday. I do what I can with little time, rinse, turn off the water, and attack my wet body with a towel and suppress a yell.

_These aren’t towels! They’re sandpaper!_

My body is bright pink from the scouring by the rough towel, but somewhat dry. As fast as I can, I put on my clothes. The warm, wet air makes that a challenge. My panties, then my pants, stick to my legs as I pull them on. The shirt doesn’t want to unroll, just stick to my warm, damp skin. When I pop out of the bathroom, I find Chloe waiting for me at the door with my backpack by her feet. “I need a hair brush,” I yell.

“You can do that in the car,” she replies. I grumble and stomp over to her. “Get your shoes on so we can go.”

I stuff my dirty clothes into my pack and zip it up. Then I sit down to put on my shoes. She takes the pack and leaves, the door shutting behind her. I don’t bother tying my shoes, just stuff my feet in them and stand. I grab my jacket and put it on while I open the door.

Cold air washes over me, and I shiver. My breathe clouds in the air and I long to be someplace else. The warmth of the shower seems so far away from me now. A couple quick steps gets me to the van, which is running and warm, and then I’m inside.

Ethel drives away before I’m seated, and I stumble into the back seat. Kate’s in front again with Ethel, while Chloe and I sit in the back. Lynn is in the middle listening to music. Chloe is also listening to music. She flashes me a smile as I seat myself. Upfront, Kate and Ethel are chatting. Me? I buckle myself in, and watch the world go by as we drive. Thankfully, the van is warm and my shivering soon stops.

We quickly leave the small town behind and the buildings fade into trees and grassland. To pass the time, I dig through our stuff until I find a hairbrush and my journals and the book Jess’ prepared for me. It takes me little time to brush my hair while I watch the passing landscape. Town, then plains and forests and hills speed by.

Kate hands out some snacks and water for us a while later. “We’ll stop in another hour or so,” she says, “there’s a restaurant ahead that Ethel wants to eat at.” I nod and return to my reading.

There’s too much going on in the van for me to really think about my life right now. The noise of the road, the tinny sound from Chloe’s and Lynn’s earbuds, the chatter between Kate and Ethel, none of this leaves my mind in a state where I can really focus. On top of that, there’s a emotional ambience to the van that presses at me. It matches the thoughts in my head that tell me to leave.

The thoughts after the incident with Doctor Smith still plague me. _How long until all those memories overwhelm me? What happens then? Does She come back and replace me? I… don’t want to find out._

I page through the photo album. My eyes see the pictures, but my brain doesn’t pay attention. A place without people would be so good right now!

We come down an incline and the van begins slowing. I look up to see a small town ahead. Below is a restaurant at the foot of the hill we are on. Ethel slows the van and pulls into the parking lot.

“My parents often brought me here as a kid when we’d do road trips on the 101,” Ethel says as she parks the car. “They have the best pancakes! And their syrups and jams are handmade.”

We exit the van and I look around before following the others inside. We’re on the edge of town and the forest comes close to the parking lot. A gas station, a small store, and some other businesses are across the street. Traffic is light, but flows regularly along the two lane highway we took into town.

The inside of the restaurant is brick and wood, with sweeping wooden trusses supporting an open ceiling. Lamps in the shape of old gas lanterns are attached to the walls. Rustic is the term that comes to mind for the decor. The server seats us at a corner booth, to the delight of Lynn who enjoys scooting all the way around the circular bench.

A lot of people are in the diner; it’s definitely a popular place. The hubbub of the other patrons and shouts from the kitchen weigh upon me and it’s hard to focus on my menu. I finally make my selection and hand my menu to the server. With hands wrapped around my coffee mug, I close my eyes and try to focus on the conversation of my group. It’s easier to pick out their voices with my eyes closed.

Ethel, Kate, and Chloe are discussing the plans for the day and it’s apparent Chloe got Ethel to agree to something. An agreement that Ethel doesn’t like because she keeps bringing up how much time they’ll lose. They go back forth without really saying what it is. A couple of times it seems like Ethel is going to name it only for Kate or Chloe to cut her off. For some reason, the conversation brings to mind one of the photos from the album Jess created for me. The photo didn’t have a caption and I wonder if Chloe or Kate know its meaning.

“Could I have the van keys,” I ask as I open my eyes. “There’s a picture in my photo album I’d like to show Kate and Chloe.”

Ethel looks at Chloe before digging the keys out of her purse and sliding them across the table to me. Kate lets me out and I grab the keys and head for the door. The din follows me and pushes at my back. I’m only too glad to leave, if even for a moment!

The sounds outside are less stressful than those in the restaurant. After I retrieve the photo album, I lean against the van and close my eyes. The wind rustling the trees is mixed with the sounds of light traffic. It’s so much better than the thousand voices in the restaurant, pushing and pressing and pulling and demanding my attention.

That beautiful, peaceful space I find is blown wide by a high-pitched screech. A blaring horn shatters the rest of the serenity and I drop the album to cover my ears. I turn in the direction of the horrible noise and the numbness sweeps me into its arms. Before my eyes, a large truck, heavy with materials, horn shrieking, wheels sparking, smashes into the restaurant. What little world I had is consumed by billowing dust and debris.


	14. Falls

Before the dust can settle, while debris still flies into the air, I run to the ruined building. My only thoughts are of Chloe, Kate, Lynn, and Ethel. I think I’m crying their names, or perhaps I’m just crying. There’s no way through the collapsed door and I circle the building looking for another way in.

It’s possible they survived. _Maybe the roof collapsed in a way that saved them?_ The ruins of the great dump truck in the corner where our booth stood replaces that hope with emptiness.

Something hits my knees and my world shifts as I stare at the remains of the building. A giant wheel crushes the table. There are bits of color, blues and reds, mixed into the browns and grays. Other things, things I don’t want to see stand out in stark relief. They pull at me, forcing my eyes to fix on them.

Blood on a porch.

Blood on the road.

Blood on my hands.

_You can change this._

I shiver as my body tries to accept what my mind won’t.

_You are my number one priority now. You are all that matters to me._

Clatters and crashes sound around me as the rest of the debris comes to rest. Faint shouts come from the other side of the building. In the distance are sirens.

_You can fix all of this._

My hands clench tight as does my jaw.

_I won't trade you._

I know what I should do, but the clarity of thought of yesterday is gone. When I reach for my power, like I did at the cabin, I’m met with visions of bodies strewn along streets. Sightless eyes stare at me as I try harder. It slips away, accompanied by laughter and Lynn telling me she hates me for taking her family from her.

Frustration and fear and anger bow me until my head scrapes the ground. Sirens sound in the distance. _At least someone is taking action._

“Please,” I beg aloud to anyone who will listen and raise my tear-streaked face to the sky. “Please, let me do this! It won’t be like last time! I can do this!”

The ruins of Arcadia Bay loom large in my mind as I beg. Through the haze of settling dust and tears I see a strand of long blonde hair. A sob chokes me as I realize it belongs to Kate. There’s a sharp pain in my knuckles and I notice I’m biting them. The thought of Kate brings our conversation at the diner to mind.

“It wasn’t your fault, Max. It never was,” Kate says, so warm and compassionate.

“Then whose fault was it?”

“I… don’t know. Maybe it wasn’t anyones fault.”

_Please let that be true._

The clarity I sought returns with a suddenness. The building returns to its unbroken state and I find myself on my knees looking at an unmarred brick wall. In the distance I hear the squeals and shrill sounds that preceded the disaster. My face hardens.

_I won't trade you. Not anymore._

I push myself to my feet as a smothering silence shuts down all sound. With great effort, I fight the world that wants to keep me stuck in place like everything else, and I push myself to the front of the restaurant. Wetness, thick and warm, coats my lips and I strive not to lick or wipe it. I’ve one mission and nothing can distract me.

A dump truck, overloaded and headed straight for the restaurant is on the highway. It’s on two wheels, caught in the middle of its roll that will send it crashing through the restaurant.

_Not anymore!_

Cracks, millions of tiny cracks, appear in the truck and its cargo. As I fall again to my knees, wincing from the pain, the world’s sounds return with an explosion that pummels my mind and body. The truck and driver and cargo disappear in a silent burst of dust that coats the restaurant and parking lot and me.

_No! I can’t do that!_

_Better that one person dies than many!_

_No!_

The dump truck is on the road, just beginning its fatal roll. Cracks appear in it.

_No!_

_It’s only one person! Better the driver than her._

_No!_

Over and over and over it replays. Always the same. Either the restaurant is destroyed and all die, or the truck is destroyed and one dies.

I can barely see; my vision is ringed in blackness. Blood drips freely down my face onto my clothes. The cuffs of my coat and the upper legs of my jeans are red from wiping the blood from my face. But no matter what I do it keeps streaming from my nose. I’m standing by force of will alone and even that is crumbling as the world pushes at me with a crushing weight.

Memories crowd into my mind, one of the missions Doctor Smith sent Her on. Bullets fly toward Her but hit an invisible field in front of Her and flatten. _She could turn the air into a shield!_

My hold slips and I’m barely staying in the stillness. With my last strength, I imitate Her and put the air in front of the restaurant in stasis. The thought of learning from Her sickens me, but not as much as letting Kate, Chloe, and all the others die.

_But I can’t save the driver._

That thought eats me up and almost causes me to lose my hold on everything.

_I won’t kill anymore._

_A trade-off has to happen, an exchange. The driver for the many._

_I hate that._

The truck flips and rolls, crashing loudly into the barrier I erected. It’s done. It’s over. There is nothing left within me. My eyes fill with tears as I watch one giant wheel spinning.

_I couldn’t save the driver._

_Safe. They’re safe, all of them._

_Not all of them. I saved most at the cost of myself._

A terrible euphoria rushes through me and pushes away the exhaustion, self-recrimination and other negative thoughts. _You did it. You held the power of life and death a made a choice. A wonderful, glorious choice!_

Shudders wrack my body and I keel over. My stomach clenches tightly to banish the food I ate even as my mind seeks to banish Her thoughts. _Push it out!_

_I killed them, the driver. I killed them!_

_Yes! You killed the driver! One person so that she could live!_

Again and again I heave, my body no longer in my control. Sweat breaks out all over me, pouring down my neck and forehead, soaking my clothes. There is no strength within me and still I heave.

_Better I take the pain and hurt than them!_

My arms and legs collapse and I crash into my sickness and dirt and gravel.

_There was no other way. Either the driver dies, or they all die._

I try to curl into a ball, to hug myself, but my stomach isn’t done. It churns and heaves and brings my entire body into its discontent.

_Admit it! You liked being able to make that choice. You liked deciding to save them, deciding who dies!_

“No, no, no!”

“Max?”

Hands grip me and pull me into a sitting position. My entire body screams and I struggle to fall away, to return to the ground.

“What happened?”

My eyes remain tightly closed. _I can’t look at her! _Sirens sound in the distance.

“Shit, we need to get you cleaned up. Can you walk?”

I nod, but keep my eyes closed. An arm goes around my waist and helps me to my feet. “Did you have anything to do with that truck?” Her words are whispered and filled with concern. I nod my head. _Oh no, it’s much worse than that!_

I can’t ignore the faint echo of laughter in my head. That, I hope, is a memory, but I fear it’s not.

A bell chimes and through my eyelids, the brightness of day dims as we enter the building.

_It stands because of you! The press of their voices is possible because of you!_

I shuffle along, eyes closed and leaning on her. Then she’s propping me against a smooth, hard surface. Water runs and momentarily a wet paper towel wipes at my face.

I risk a look, my eyes opening to a small bathroom with two sinks, no counter, and two scratched mirrors. A girl with freckles, pale skin, and brown hair sticking everywhere glares at me. Mud and sickness clings to her hair and face. It mixes with the dried blood which cakes the lower half of her face. A sick smile curves her mouth upward.

“Why are you smiling like that,” Chloe asks me as she wets another towel. The smile disappears as I close my eyes.

_She is safe. That’s all that matters!_

_I killed to keep her safe!_

_You alone are able to make that choice._

Another shudder runs through me and my stomach clenches. Now I have to open my eyes as I bend over the sink, my body taut as every muscle tenses. My stomach is determined to push itself into the sink and I heave and heave and heave, but nothing comes out. At last it passes and I collapse. Outside, the sirens blare through the building, crushing my mind with my decision.

Chloe catches me before my fall can hurt me and holds me. “Damn,” she mutters. “Are you getting sick?”

I try to shake my head, but I don’t know if I do. “No,” I croak. _I can’t tell her! I can’t!_

“Just… caught up in my past…”

She gives me a look that suggests she doesn’t believe me, but it passes. Her arms hold me tight against her as more tremors pass through me.

_I won’t trade her._

I close my eyes and let the pain burning through me take me away.

When my eyes open, I’m staring at the blah ceiling of the minivan. My head lays in Chloe’s lap. Her fingers idly brush my bangs, back and forth. She sees my open eyes and smiles at me.

“Are you doing ok?” She asks.

I turn my head away. She deserves an answer, and I have none to give. _How do I explain that they all died and I killed someone so they could live?_

_The driver was dead anyway. Nothing you could do about that._

_Go away!_

Her fingers continue their play, tangling in my hair, touching me. _She shouldn’t touch me! _But if I move away, she’ll know something is wrong. I stay on her lap and let her fingers sear a way through my conscience.

After an unknown amount of time, the van stops and Chloe leans down. “We’re here,” she says and her hand moves away. Now I sit up and look around.

The van sits in a parking lot surrounded by woods. Ethel and Kate are already outside stretching. Lynn opens her door and climbs out.

“Where are we?”

“I convinced Ethel to take us to a state park.”

“Why would you do that?”

“You need a place to think, right? That’s why.”

Slowly, I exit the van and look around. We are the only car and people present. A small building with restrooms stands a short distance away. The van is parked on a gravel car lot. A few picnic tables are scattered around. In the distance is a roar, possibly a waterfall. The roar tugs me in its direction.

“Take this,” Chloe says and shoves a water bottle and granola bar in my hand. “Don’t… don’t go too far.” She scuffs her foot and turns away. I suspect there’s more she wants to say, but not in front of other people.

Kate, on the other hand, has no problems with speaking in front of other people. She comes close and puts her hands on my forearms. “Do… you want me to go with you?” The slight smile and tilt of her head touches me deeply. Such a look of care.

“I’ll be ok.”

She gives me a quick kiss on my cheek. “We’ll be close if you need us.”

Ethel sits on a picnic table, her back to us and shoulders bunched around her ears. Lynn stands next to her, talking, but I can’t hear them. With a quick smile to Kate, I step into the trees.

A small path winds among the trees, in the direction of the roar. It gets louder the further I go. Through the branches and leaves I catch glimpses of spray and falling water. After 15 minutes of walking, I arrive at a breathtaking view of a waterfall.

The fury of the water creates its own wind that pushes at me. The sound cancels all other sounds. For many minutes I stand filled with awe, my eyes consumed by the water plunging from great heights. With a shake of my head, I find a nearby tree, sit on the ground and lean back. Once I close my eyes, the roar of the waterfall becomes everything.

Unlike conversations and voices, the thunderous noise of the water doesn’t intimidate me. It envelopes me and allows me to push aside all the distractions and rules, both conscious and unconscious, that govern my life.

My body completely relaxes in a way I seldom enjoy. Now I can let my mind wander to the decisions I need to make, the things I need to understand.

_I shouldn’t be with them. I’m a danger, a weapon. The longer I stay, the greater the risk to them._

_Nonsense! Who will save them if you aren’t with them? Chloe would be dead if you left yesterday!_

_The truck driver would be alive. The only reason they were at the restaurant is because we left the cabin. If we’d stayed there… but they left for me, because the Doctor would come for me again. If I’d left… If they hadn’t found me…_

_But you didn’t! And you won’t!_

Round and round my thoughts go, intent on going, persuaded to stay. The indecisiveness builds frustration which threatens my peace. With great effort, I thrust that line of thinking aside and sink myself into the roar.

I open my eyes to watch the water. The white spray makes the air moist and wets everything. Ever down in a tumbling rush the water goes. Great plumes mist away from it or are geysered into the air by the pool at its foot.

It takes a long time before I trust my thoughts again. Cautiously, I let the sound of the water and the world around me pull me into reflection. The spray dampens my clothes, making them heavy and stick to me. Water drips down my neck, trickling into my clothes. It’s all part of the experience.

As my thoughts take form, are examined and decided and put aside, I find myself going deeper and deeper. Finally, I reach a point where I’m no longer examining my thoughts. The sound of the waterfall has stopped, the wind abated.

Around me I sense the processes of all things, great and small, that are governed by time. An immense array of beauty and intricate complexity. A beauty only I can experience.

Footsteps approach and then everything snaps into focus. The water resumes falling, the wind rushes around me, and the spray ladens the air. I keep my eyes on the waterfall, its ever changing flow satisfying an inner part of me.

The leaves and pine needles rustle next to me as the person sits and leans against the same tree. We sit in silence, me with my attention on the water, her with, well, what?

“What happened at the restaurant,” Lynn finally says.

”What do you mean?”

“Look, don’t try to BS me. You are the only explanation.”

“Why?”

She sighs. “Do I have to do this? Fine. Chloe found you near the back of the building. Your photo album was by the van, over fifty feet away. You’re laying in vomit, again might I add, face covered in blood. A giant dump truck, fully loaded, is crumpled in a heap inches from the restaurant. When Chloe gets you in the restroom to clean you, you act like your past self before passing out. What happened?”

“Why do you care? Don’t you hate me?”

She doesn’t answer. Little rocks start flying through the air, flicked from her hand. “Yes and no,” she finally says. “Chloe and sis care, and I care about them.”

Oddly, I’m not upset or anxious by our conversation. None of her emotions press against me, even though her words drip with feelings. “There was an accident at the restaurant.” My words are barely loud enough to hear over the roar of the water.

“Who got hurt?”

“All of you.”

“Like, how bad?”

“Everyone died.”

“Shit. The dump truck?”

I nod.

When I don’t answer she turns and looks at me. “That’s why you were sick, isn’t it. You stopped it, but it meant letting the driver die. Do Chloe or sis know?” Again I don’t answer her. “Are you going to tell them?” When I remain silent, she returns to her former position, looking at the world.

After a period of silence, she stands. For several moments she gazes at the billowing spray from the fall, then she moves in front of me and stares down at me. “She wouldn’t tell Chloe or Kate.” Her voice is barely loud enough to hear and I think I detect a warmth in the words. Once she says that, she turns and walks away.

I close my eyes and slip back into my own world. Her visit and words don’t disturb me. Instead they make wonder what she’s up to. Days ago she was the one to ask the hard questions. Now, she approaches me about the morning events and tells me how not to repeat mistakes.

My thoughts of our conversation are quickly overwhelmed by those that have plagued me since yesterday. _I should leave. I am a weapon._ My stomach twists and turns at those thoughts and my sight blurs with tears. The image of the crushed truck replays in my mind. A lifeless arm lays on the street, the only part of the driver I saw.

_I killed them!_

_Better the driver dies than all the people in the restaurant._

_I… I’m a murderer!_

_Hard decisions have to be made. You have the power to do it. Only you-_

My thoughts are interrupted by more footsteps and I quickly wipe the tears from my face. I don’t know who is coming, but I’m not ready to share this. Not yet.

Through the trees I see Kate and Chloe approaching. Chloe’s got her hands tucked into her pockets while Kate’s swing free. I could swear Kate is gliding instead of walking. I can’t hear their words, but the brilliance of their smiles at each other touches something deep inside I don’t understand.

Then they can see me and Kate turns the full beauty of her smile on me. It doesn’t quite push aside all my negative thoughts, but it comes close. My heart flutters and I can’t help but smile at her.

Kate kneels before me and places a circlet of flowers on my head. “For our hero,” she says. I try really hard not to let her see how much those words hurt, but something leaks through because her smile falters.

_I don’t deserve this! I don’t deserve them!_

“I-” I can’t even begin to form words. All the turmoil and angst that roared in my head moments ago disappeared and took my words with them. Instead, I look away from her.

“I-I’m s-sorry,” she stammers,” w-was that the wrong thing to do?”

The tears are threatening again and I turn my head aside. _Please don’t cry! Don’t!_

I shake my head. “Can… can we talk. Do our safe thing right now?”

She kneels next to me, and I hear Chloe do the same on the other side. Kate’s hand creeps toward me. “Is it ok if I touch you?”

I shake my head. “N-no… please not until after…” _She won’t want to touch a murderer._

She withdraws her hand and I try to smile, but it fails. After I wipe my face again, I take a few deep breaths, close my eyes, and try to sort out what I want to say.

“What’s on your mind Maxini?” Chloe’s words are kind and make me open my eyes. Her face is neutral, although I see something burning behind her eyes.

The constant roar and billowing mist of the waterfall draws my attention. It’s a lot easier to watch its ever changing form, rather than the faces that look at me with their emotions visible but unreadable.

“Do the words ‘You are my number one priority now. You are all that matters to me.’ And ‘I won't trade you’ mean anything to you?”

Since I’m not focused on them, I don’t know their reaction to my words. The debris on the ground draws my wandering fingers and they begin sorting things into different piles. Pine needles, leaves, rocks, twigs, each in its own place, balanced. My fingertips wander between them, tracing the soft dirt below.

“Yeah,” Chloe finally says, her voice close to my ear. “That’s… what you… she told me before choosing me instead of…”

_Save her. The storm._ My eyes close as wind and rain lash through my memory. My fingers push deep into the soil. Its cool softness keeps me rooted here when my thoughts want to rip me far away.

“You died today.” My voice is hollow and comes from a different person. “All of you. I… watched it happen. That truck crashed into the restaurant and killed everyone inside. When I looked at… at you, those words came to me, but not in my voice.

“I fixed it, fixed the restaurant, fixed everything. Except for one thing.” My heads move from the dirt to my forehead, to press and hide. _I wish I was a tree! How much simpler life is for them._

“The only way… I… had to let someone die, the truck driver. I took their life. It was… the only choice. I tried so many times until killing them was my remaining choice. Let the driver of the truck die, or let all of you die. So I killed him.”

“Fuck!” She says other words I don’t catch, but the one was enough. It cuts deep to my core. _I am her. _I shudder at the thought and squeeze my eyes tight. My hands press into them, trying to drive the sight of the truck crashing into my barrier, the twitching limb, from my mind.

A hand touches my shoulder and I flinch. “Max,” Kate says with a tenderness that opens my eyes and makes me pay attention. “That took great courage to tell us this. I… we can’t imagine what you’re thinking or feeling right now. You were given an impossible choice and did your best. That’s all any of us can do.”

“You don’t understand,” I say as my face hardens and I stare at her. She rocks back and her eyes grow big at my voice but I keep on. “I vowed I wouldn’t kill! That’s not me! It’s not what I do! That I’m not her! But at the first sign of trouble, the first time your lives were in danger, I threw away my vow!”

I bury myself in my arms but wish I could bury myself for real. _I wish a hole would open beneath me and swallow me!_ Anything to put a protection between them and me, a protection for them. “I’m no different… no different than her. The project… it failed. I failed.”

Chloe mutters a curse. “No fucking way are you like her,” she protests. “She hid these things instead of sharing them.” She pauses then, possibly because her intensity made me shuffle away from her.

She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. After letting it out, she says, much calmer, “That’s why you were laying in your sickness, isn’t it. Because killing… it hurts you.” Her eyes open, hopeful in the way they regard me.

I nod, my throat tight. Not long ago I spoke freely of that to Lynn. Why is it so hard to admit this to Chloe? “I… taking life hurts me,” I manage to spit out. “It’s why I stopped eating meat. The thought an animal died to provide me food… Taking the driver’s life to save yours… it’s the same.”

Kate has drawn close while Chloe and I talk. At that moment she asks, “Is it ok if I hold you?”

I look at her and bite back the words that I really want to say. _You shouldn’t want to hold a murderer!_ It’s her choice to make, not mine. I can do that much. The driver didn’t have a choice. “It’s ok.” My voice rasps with the effort.

Her arms slip around me and pull me against her. The hug is tight and warm but not smothering. Her head leans against mine and she whispers, “I’m not going to tell you everything is alright, that saving many lives at the cost of one life is ok. That’s something only you can decide. We can see how it pains you, the action you took, how you mourn for the loss of life, and I love you even more for that.

“You are never alone when you’re with us, Max. I am glad to be here with you, glad to touch you and hold you. You aren’t a bad person and I think the project did work. Before, we’d have to convince you, almost force you tell us what you did. And when you finally did, you would have laughed and said it with cruel glee. Now, you freely tell us in tears. You are a new person, born from turmoil. And we’re here to help you become the person you want to be.”

Most of what she says I don’t hear. As I cling to her, and Chloe leans in to kiss my head, an indescribable sensation seeps into me. The inner turmoil and abhorrence melts away, replaced by peace and warmth. My eyes close and I sink into the sensations until everything about me is steeped in bliss. Right here, in her arms, I am safe.

“Thank you,” I whisper, my eyes still closed because I don’t want to lose this moment. When I do finally open them, Chloe is leaning back on her hands with a peculiar smile on her face. “What are you looking at,” I ask light-heartedly.

“I’m wondering if that’s what I look like when she holds me,” she says. Then she leans closer. “You’re not her,” she breathes. “You’ll never be her!”

She has such confidence in me I can’t bear to disagree. “Can… is it ok to stay here a while like this?”

Chloe looks at Kate then back at me. She shrugs and says, “Sure. Ethel won’t leave without us, and I think you still need some Kate time.” She turns to sit next to me, but doesn’t try to touch me. Instead she pulls her pack out and lights up. The wind from the waterfall thankfully blows the smoke away from us.

We sit there in silence a long time, me in Kate’s arms, Chloe next to me. The safety I feel in Kate’s embrace makes me want to stay here forever. My head lays below hers and I can feel her humming.

“Do you sing, Kate?”

“Sometimes. It’s been a long time since I’ve done anything musical.”

“Because I made you have to grow up before you were ready?”

“No… it’s not that. Music brings back too many memories. My sister Sarah used to play with me when I played violin. She was an excellent singer and pianist. I can’t play or sing without thinking of her and… it’s too painful.”

“I’m sorry.” If there was something I could do to relieve that pain, I would.

The sun is angling toward the west when Chloe says, “we should head back. I”m sure Ethel doesn’t want to drive on this road in the dark.”

My stomach sinks at that and I try not to complain when Kate unwraps her arms. We help each other stand. “Thank you,” I say. On impulse, I lean forward and place a chaste kiss on her cheek. Uncertainty fills me and I jerk away. “I-I’m sorry! I should have asked first!”

“It’s ok,” Kate says warmly. Her fingers touch my cheek. “It was welcome.” She takes my arm and says, “You’re welcome for the hug.”

My hands seeks out Chloe and takes up one of hers. “Let’s go,” I say and begin a slow walk along the path. Kate surprises me with a brief kiss on my cheek. “Sorry,” she whispers in my ear, “you looked too cute to pass that up. If… I-”

A good feeling moves through me from where her lips touched my cheek. “It was welcome,” I say and my voice is thick. She hugs my arm tight. “Guess we’re on even footing now.” She nods with a smile. Arm in arm in hand we walk along the path. The roar of the falls slowly recede. The parking lot makes its appearance too quickly, in my opinion.

The sound of raised voices catch our ears while we’re still among the trees. “What the hell,” Chloe mutters. She pulls her hand from mine and runs the rest of the way.

When Kate and I arrive, we find Chloe between Lynn and Ethel. One hand is on her hip and her face wears a grimace.

“We need to go to Arcadia Bay!” Lynn yells.

“We need to stay the fuck away from there,” Chloe growls.

Ethel throws her hands in the air. “She’s your problem now,” she says heatedly as she storms off.

Kate drops my arm and hurries toward her sister. “Lynn, why do you want to go there?”

Lynn turns on her sister with blazing eyes. “Mom and Dad’s anniversary is tomorrow! We haven’t been to see them in two years! I want to go see them!”

Kate stops, her entire body rigid. It takes a moment for her to respond. “Right now we need to stay away from there,” Kate says in a soothing, but odd, tone.

Lynn looks at me, her eyes smoldering. “You mean keep her away from there,” she mutters. But she doesn’t push back. She glares at me once then stomps away to the van.

Chloe goes to Kate and whispers in her ear. Kate nods then Chloe puts an arm around her shoulders. She gives me a look, then leads Kate in another direction. I look between the van and Chloe and Kate. _What am I supposed to do? What’s going on?_

Ethel leans against a tree in yet a different direction. I decide that’s the safer course right now and walk toward her. On my way, I open the granola bar and start eating the dry thing. I stand near her a while, against my own tree, chomping the hard snack. She looks at me now and again.

“Why did you decide to help Chloe and Kate?”

She doesn’t answer, just continues looking into the forest. Her foot kicks a losoe pine cone, then she sighs and turns to me. “I wondered when you would ask that question,” she says heavily. “The question I ask myself is: why didn’t I try sooner?” She returns her attention to the forest and is silent for a time.

“At the beginning, I thought I was helping. When you first entered the project you were… prone to outbursts to put it mildly. The slightest thing would send you into an uncontrollable fit where Chloe was the only person that mattered. I was on the panel that interviewed you and approved you for the project.

“The goal of the project was to find new ways to help people suffering from PTSD. With what Chloe shared with us, and what we observed during your interviews, you seemed a prime candidate. And you showed remarkable progress in the first couple of weeks! Your nightmares disappeared; your triggers no longer caused rage or delusions. I was so hopeful…

“It was all a sham and it took me too long to recognize it. The project created an entire University campus where students and staff were all actors participating in the project. The campus wasn’t huge, but it served its purpose and it made some sense. Recreate a safe environment while you healed. I didn’t realize the wrongness until about two months into the project.”

There’s a pause as she turns to gaze up the trees. What she sees I don’t know, maybe a squirrel? Maybe it’s easier than looking at me. When she continues here voice is soft and I move closer to hear.

“Chloe and Kate both tried re-establishing contact with you and you had no idea who they were. I knew what they meant to you and to see you not recognize them hit me hard. At one of your interviews, all three of you were there and you were in one of your calmer periods. The three of you… damn I’d heard about people having open relationships, but I’d never see anything like the three of you had. A love and care deeper between you than I thought could happen. Then the project admins started moving you around, changing your apartment and other things. I began questioning what was going on.

“The tipping point for me was the last time Chloe and Kate each contacted you. The admins decided to immediately take your memory of the few hours you spent with Chloe. They wiped all traces of the time you spent together. But with Kate… they let you be tormented all week. You thought… you thought you were the problem, the reason why Kate didn’t want to be your friend. It was fucked up. Someone on the project threatened both of your friends, but they wouldn’t give up.

“When I expressed ethical concerns over the project… Fuck that sounds tame. I told them I was going to report them to the ethics board. Their response was to reassign me to a completely different project, cut my pay, and move you again. In those first months when they changed your location it was always in the same area of the city. After my threat, they took you away from the city to a completely new area.”

She becomes silent after that; her eyes return to their study of me. Her gaze isn’t intimidating, rather it’s thoughtful. “Regret. Guilt. Those things and more are what made me turn to Kate and Chloe. Similar, I think, to what Jess felt. The project took a fresh researcher, eager to discover treatments and advancements to help people, and corrupted me by involving me in a project that stole your life and identity. I was too eager and naive to ask questions at first.”

“Redemption.”

“If you wish. Atonement, amends, redemption, right the wrong. There are a lot of ways you can frame me. I won’t rest until you’re free of them. I don’t know if we can restore your life or identity, but I will do my best.”

“I… don’t know if I want that old life back.”

She nods and begins to say something when her phone buzzes. “You get service out here,” I ask, amazed. She smiles and pulls the phone from her pocket.

Her fingers flick over the screen and a moment later she looks up. “We need to leave,” she says and walks past me. I follow her, surprised.

“Why do we need to leave?” She ignores my question.

In the parking area, Chloe sits on a table with Kate in her arms. I think they’re talking. “We need to go, ladies,” Ethel says loudly. “Where’s Lynn?”

“She’s in the van already,” Chloe says, “what’s up?”

“Doctor Smith is on the move with reinforcements.”

“Already? Your contacts tell you that?”

Ethel nods and heads to the van. I look at Kate and Chloe, then make my way to the van.

Lynn sits inside, head bopping to music on her earbuds. She gives me a beatific smile as I climb in. I look at her, but she’s focused again on her tablet.

Hurried feet behind me cause me to quickly get into the back seat. Kate and Chloe follow me and I scoot to the side. Ethel closes the doors, which I still find fascinating, and starts the engine. Within moments we’re rocking down the bumpy gravel road at a dangerous pace. I fumble with my seat belt and finally get it fastened.

Next to me, Kate is snuggled against Chloe, her head laying partly on her shoulder. Chloe’s arm is draped over Kate’s side. It’s a touching scene that I feel I am intruding on. I make a quick change to the other middle seat to give them space. Even though I’m supposedly part of whatever they have going on, it feels awkward. And it’s apparent they need some alone time right now.

I dig through the stuff in the interior until I find the photo album and while away the time looking at it. My mind wanders to what Ethel said, about Doctor Smith being on the move. “Can those… people find me,” I ask into the silence.

“We know he has ways to find you,” Ethel answers. “Tracking devices. When Jess helped us rescue you, she destroyed the trackers in your clothes. I suspect there’s at least one tracker inside you.”

A chill runs up my back at her words. “So… they can find me wherever I go?”

No one answers the question. “What’s the use in running if they can find me?”

Ethel sighs and says, “I believe their tracking has limits. We were at the cabin for two weeks and only came after we went to get Lynn. I think in those mountains we were somehow out of their range. If that’s true then we could find another mountain hide-away. Another option is to get you to a clinic or lab that can find the internal tracker and remove it. A third option is to find a way to disable it.”

“Can’t I just… dissolve it like I’ve done with other things?”

She shrugs and I notice that Lynn is watching me intently without looking at me. “Try it,” Ethel says.

I close the photo album and concentrate. My brows come together as I search for a device inside me, something not organic, anything. Sound fades away as I sink myself into the world, like I did at the falls. The times I disintegrated things at the cabin were automatic, not conscious, and now I am not having success.

With a “hmph” I return to normal time. “Can’t find anything,” I mutter. Lynn relaxes and returns to her head bobbing. “What should we do?”

“We’re ahead of him,” Ethel says. “I’m keeping us away from major cities, so they can’t just take a plane to cut travel time. Tonight we need to discuss our options and make a decision. We can’t stay ahead of him for long.”

“Where are we headed?”

“The original plan was to stay the night in Coos Bay, a small city on the coast. It’s not too far away, except for these mountain roads we’re on. With the Doctor on the move again, we need to go further, perhaps to Gold Beach.”

The names she says mean nothing to me and I return to examining the photo album. We drive through the afternoon and into the night, stopping only for fuel and toilet breaks. We eat at the gas stations which is frustrating for me. Everything they have contains meat and I end up eating junk food: chips, pretzels, candy bars and similar. At last we stop at a motel in some small town. “Welcome to Gold Beach,” Ethel says as she turns off the van.

Our room arrangements are the same as the previous night, with the exception that Chloe and Kate share a bed. Kate’s been pretty upset ever since Lynn asked to go to Arcadia Bay. I suspect the memory of her parents is causing her distress. _Did Lynn do that on purpose?_ Of all of them, she’s the one I understand the least. There’s more to her than being Kate’s younger sister, but what?

During dinner, a light affair at one of the few restaurants in town, I ask how we get the money for everything. “That’s me,” Ethel says after a bite of her giant baked potato. “It’s part of my trying to make things right.” I let the matter drop after that.

“So,” Ethel says as we near the end of our food, “we need to decide what to do. According to my sources, Smith has five vehicles with him. That’s likely around thirty people. I doubt he’ll try what he did at the cabin, still he likes to be unpredictable and repeating what he just did counts.”

“Only he won’t have Jess with him to distract Max,” Chloe says.

“What can we do,” Kate asks.

“One of my friends located a lab that can help us. The only problem is it’s in Sacramento, at least a days drive away. They’re very confident the lab can locate any device in Max and remove it.”

“How long would that take,” I ask.

Ethel shrugs. “Assuming we can get in right away, a few hours. It depends upon whether they can find the device and where it’s located. Another option is to keep running. Smith’s operation is expensive and the longer he goes without results, the more impatient his backers become.”

“You talking days or weeks?” Chloe pops the last of her food into her mouth after asking her question.

“Weeks.”

“You’d keep using your money on us for weeks?” I can’t hide the incredulity in my voice, though I try.

She pauses and looks away. “Yes.”

“So run, or try to get the trackers out of Max.” Chloe doesn’t sound very convinced.

“Well, I’m also trying to find other information we can use. If we can locate his main office, then we might be able to hurt them.”

“Hurt them!” Panic fills me and I look at Ethel in a new light. _Does she mean violence?_

Kate pats my hand. “I think she means hurt their money or delete information on you. Right?” She gives Ethel a stern look.

“Why don’t we go to Arcadia Bay,” Lynn whispers.

“Yes. If we can take out their servers and backups that would kill his project.”

The other three ignore Lynn’s request. I look at her, slurping down the last of her milkshake. Her eyes flick to me, then away.

“How would we find their office?” I keep my eyes on Lynn while I ask my question.

“There’s a couple of people attached to the project I’ve been able to stay in touch with. Doctor Smith wasn’t as thorough as he thought. They’ve been working on a few things for me.”

“I like the thought of taking the fight to him,” Chloe says. “But right now, I think the decision is Max’s.”

My eyes grow big and I look at her. “Me?”

“I-uh,” she stammers a moment. “I mean, if we’re gonna remove the tracker from you, it’s your body. Only you can make that choice. You don’t need to decide that now.”

I set my fork down and stare at the remains of my food. “I… need time to think about it,” I whisper.

“No worries,” Chloe says, “take your time.”

The conversation turns to dessert and other things of lesser importance. My thoughts are distracted by the things Ethel said. _Do I have a tracker inside me? Do I want it removed? What’s involved in that?_

* * *

White light flashes brilliantly across the dark blue landscape. Around me are arrayed piles nearly to my chin. The white light flashes off eyes and nails and teeth. I shrink back, but they are behind me too.

A chill wind blows through me and I shudder. My arms clasp my shoulders to get warm, but it doesn’t work. Goosebumps prickle up and down my arms and the shudders continue. In the near distance someone stands, framed by another flash of white.

Brown hair blows freely in the wind. The person has their back to me. Their clothes are plain, a t-shirt and jeans. I approach, careful to not touch any of the bodies.

“Arcadia Bay was only the beginning,” the person says as I stop near their back. Their voice is fell and dark and devours all goodness. “The beginning of who you truly are, who you’re meant to be!”

“Did you think a little memory loss would stop me,” she asks as she turns her bright eyes on me. I stumble backwards with a cry, my legs shaking and weak.

“Or your little vow? Oh no! I’ve killed someone! Let me barf! Blech. I can’t eat meat because it means I’ve taken a life! You disgust me!” Her voice mocks my own as she stalks toward me, a baleful glee on her face. I scramble away, but my legs refuse to work and send me to the ground with a grunt.

I’m on my back then, trying to scramble backwards, but nothing works! She steps closer and kneels and I look into my soul. Her hand brutally grabs my chin, fingers digging into my flesh and I cry out in pain.

She thrusts her face into mine. “There is no stopping me,” she gloats. “And you know it. You knew it when you felt the thrill of killing that driver! Oh sure, you tried to shut it away, tried to reject it with your stupid vow.”

My heart pounds and one thought keeps repeating over and over: _I have to get away! _She licks her lips and lets go of my face. Fingers caress my cheek and I try to flinch away but they follow me. “There is no escape, Max, my Max.” Her voice is husky when she speaks now, and she leans forward until our mouths are almost touching. “After all,” she pauses and her eyes flick between mine. “You’re me.”


	15. Run!

Unease and revulsion fill me at her behavior. _I have to get away! _But my arms and legs won’t respond. Heat radiates from her, burning me at her touch. It sickens me as she caresses my cheek. A soft, warmth brushes my lips and I do the only thing I know I can.

I fall away into the space between moments where only time exists. _I have to escape her! What is she? Can she follow me here? She’s me, so maybe?_

Her laughter echoes around me as if in answer. I cast about for a way to escape her and desperately I latch onto the world around me and its processes. With wild abandon, I pull at some, unraveling their interdependencies and her laughter dies.

Reality is shattered by cold and the cries of others. But something holds my arms! _No! She still has me!_ I thrash, trying to push it or her off of me. With a great cry and heave, I manage to push it away and leap to my feet, ready to flee. If only my eyes could see.

Cold wind blows against my bare skin and I begin to shiver. Through the inky darkness, pinpricks of light slowly appear. Next to my foot, an object moves and I scream, sure she’s found me.

“Max,” a voice cries, “What’s going on? Are you ok?”

Slowly, my surroundings make themselves known and the panic begins to drain away. I stand on my motel bed, but the walls and ceiling are gone!

All around, in both directions, the walls and roof have vanished, including their wires and pipes and everything in them. The pinpricks of light are the stars shining upon us unimpeded by any structure. In what used to be the room next to us, Ethel and Lynn sit up in their beds. My eyes grow bigger as I look around, dumbfounded at what I see.

At my foot, Chloe sits up and she peers at me. “Are you ok,” she asks. “Why did you scream?”

“What happened,” Kate asks as she rises from her bed. Then they both notice the lack of a building and their eyes grow big.

“Shit,” Chloe whispers.

I look between them, a knot in my stomach that refuses to move. Kate sits on my bed and holds up her hands. Slowly, I sink to my knees and stare into nothingness. One of them touches my shoulder and I shy away.

Out there, somewhere, She waits for my. I’m sure of it. _Who or what is she?_ The cold darkness of night beyond the edge of the streetlights hides her world. _The longer I stay here… The more I use my power…_

“Max?” Kate’s gentle voice pulls me back to the bed, back to the motel. Back to what I did.

_How do I explain what happened, when I don’t even know?_

Not that I want to deny that I destroyed the motel, but words to explain are far away. _Another mark against me. Another reason I shouldn’t be here._

Around us other voices call through the night as other guests begin asking questions. _At least there wasn’t a second floor. It seems no one got hurt._

People begin to mill about the front of the motel. It’s a small town motel so the office is closed. They knock on the door and push the night bell, but their raised voices suggest the night person hasn’t heard.

_Sure, they aren’t physically hurt, but I deprived them of sleep. I destroyed property. Caused trouble for the innocent. Each time I use my power…_

“Looks like a shit night for management,” Chloe mutters wearily as she rises from the bed. She walks to Ethel and they speak together, huddled against the chill wind. Lynn has already risen and begun to dress.

“Max?” Kate asks again, gently. She’s not easily turned away by my hesitation or silence. I pull my eyes away from the office and look at her.

“I… I had a nightmare,” I finally say, thinking that’s easier to explain. And it’s not far from the truth. She looks at me a long time before nodding slowly. I pull the sheet and blanket around me as the breeze kicks up again. It’s after midnight, I’m pretty sure, but it’s so cold maybe it’s near dawn?

“Get dressed,” Ethel calls out, “I’m calling another motel. I’d like to at least take a shower before we start a new day.” I slide out of bed and pull my clothes on over my pajamas. The activity and extra clothes help warm me up quickly. And it helps keep my mind off the destruction I caused. _Why aren’t they asking me about it? Because they know I did it? Aren’t they concerned about me using my power while I’m asleep?_

_No one was physically harmed, but whoever owns this motel will suffer loss._ That thought weighs on me, and adds to the churn of negative thoughts that have claimed residence in my mind.

Stolen glances and darting eyes tell me that even though they aren’t asking about what happened, they are thinking about it. The noise around the office is reduced to a static as a worker finally answers the bell.

I’m haunted by Her as I prepare to leave. A burning trail along my cheek reminds me of her touch. I hear Her words in the murmur of voices around the office. The sensations cause my stomach to churn and I think I’m going to be sick again.

A moment’s pause, and a deep breath of the cold air helps soothe that. _What kind of messed up dream was that? Is she… real? Or a part of me?_

What finally gives me pause is observing Kate, Chloe, Lynn, and Ethel. Each of them doing their best. Each showing care for me in their own way. _I… destroyed the motel in my sleep_. _It could have easily been them._ A shiver runs through me and the hair on my arms stands up. _As long as I’m with them, they’re in danger. My ability… it only brings harm. How soon before they’re caught in it. _Kate and Lynn talking softly draw my eyes. _Again._

The thought freezes my hands as I cram my stuff into my backpack. None of them look at me as they finish stuffing their bags and take them to the van. Even more guests are now awake and shouts of confusion again echo through the night. _I’m a danger to everyone around me. I should have left yesterday morning when I wanted to._

I climb into the front passenger seat and Ethel eyes me as she starts the van. “What are you doing up here,” she asks as she backs out of the parking spot. Her voice is tired and cranky.

“Can’t I sit where I want?” My words are cautious, but direct.

“You’re usually back there with Chloe.” _This is not going well. I’m not helping things._

I take a breath and distract myself by looking at the people around the motel office. The little room was never built for that many people at once. The ones outside look cold and lost.

“What will happen here?” I don’t know why I ask that question because none of us can know.

“Tomorrow I’ll see what can be done,” Ethel says.

“What? Do you mean… like pay for it?” I’m genuinely surprised she has an answer.

“If need be. I need some sleep first.”

_So, maybe some good news for once?_

The van turns left, toward a nearby stoplight. I fall silent and look at the pack between my feet. It contains several changes of clothes, including the basics. _If I did leave, would I need money? _The fingers of my right hand briefly clench at the thought. _No… if I had to… I could… no! It’s bad enough that I’ve caused harm to others!_

To distract myself from that thought, I look again at Ethel. “If we make problems for Doctor Smith, his backers will pull his funding, and that’s how we stop him?” That’s not the question I want to ask, but it works for now.

“Yeah. Get his backers to stop his funding is the surest way to stop him,” she says with a yawn as we wait for the light to change.

“How do we do that?”

“Like I said before, your escape started the process. We keep you away from him long enough and his backers will become impatient and pull out. The project was expensive, on the order of millions of dollars each month.”

_Wow! Gulp. _“Is there a way to speed it up?”

She purses her lips as she pulls into the intersection. “What you did here will do that.”

_Oh. Oh!_

“It will take a few hours, but once there’s a police report, his people will figure it out. Then, it’s a matter of how fast he can get here.”

“Then, why stay here? Why not drive to the next town?”

The light changes and the van moves forward. With another yawn, she says, “It’s a gamble. Everything with this dude is a gamble. Right now, I’m hoping that when he shows up, he’ll think we’ve already fled and won’t spend much time here. I had a reputation for being methodical and predictable among the other researchers. My intent is to use that knowledge against him.”

I nod at her words, though I’m scared she’s wrong. _He’ll be here in a few hours, and with me here…_

“What about the tracker?”

She shoots me a glance as she comes to another stop light. _What’s with all the stoplights in this town?_

“We don’t know if there is one. Like I said, everything is a gamble. But even so, I expect we’ll be gone before he gets here.”

That confuses me. _First, we’re staying. Now, we’re leaving?_ “And that’s good, right? Because as long as we keep away from him, he has to spend the project funding.”

She nods.

It’s a start, but I want to end this sooner. “When I… destroyed all their equipment at the cabin, that helped speed things up, right?”

She nods and adds, “where are you going with this?”

I don’t know yet, so I shrug. “Just… reminding myself of what we’re trying to accomplish.” _And distracting myself from what just happened._

Thankfully, we reach the other motel not long after that. We bump into the parking lot and Ethel parks the van. She goes inside the small office to confirm our reservation. _Did she have a reservation? _My fingers play with the handle on the top of my backpack. There are several hours of night remaining. _If I left now…_

Before I can pursue that thought, Ethel returns and drives us the few feet to our rooms. She turns off the car and we all get out. Ethel unlocks a door, points at it and says, “You, Chloe, and Kate.” The door to its left she unlocks and enters. I softly close the van door and glance at the stars above. The others hurry into the rooms, out of the breeze and toward warm beds. I lag, my eyes caught between earth and sky. “Coming Max,” Chloe asks.

“In a moment. I’m enjoying the stars.” She looks at me, at the sky, then touches my shoulder. “Do you want some company?”

Her blue eyes catch the light of the night sky and send it to me in soft blue glimmers. There’s a question in the way she stands, in the way her fingers linger on my shoulder. “Thanks,” I say with what I hope is warmth. “Just need to clear my mind before returning to bed.”

Fingers trail down my arm to my hand where they curl around my fingers in a light squeeze. “Need to talk?” she whispers.

I shake my head and look away before those blue glimmers capture me. “Maybe once I’ve sorted this out,” I say and focus my eyes again on the stars.

“Come in when you’re ready.” The fingers are gone and a door closes softly.

I lean against the wall near the door, pack in my hand and my recent thoughts racing through my head. _Kill the truck driver. Destroy the motel. Who or what are next?_

“You should go,” a voice near me says and I jump with a soft yelp. Lynn stands near me. _How did she get there?_ “Go, before you hurt sis and Chloe.” Her voice is back to the hardness she used the first night.

“Why-”

She steps close, into my space, and glares at me. “They already killed her once. They won’t hesitate to do it again! It’s better for everyone if you leave.” _She’s talking about Chloe!_ A blood splattered porch blooms in my mind.

Fingers take my hand and she presses objects both soft and hard into it. Her face softens a little as she does this. “Take these,” she whispers, “And go. Drive north, away from here. They won’t look in that direction… at least the probability is extremely low. We’ll be fine… better with you gone. No more accidents. I won’t worry about something happening to them with you around.”

Her face is so serious as she glares at me. I look at what she placed in my hands: money and keys. “It’s all I have, but it should help you. That way you won’t have to…” _It looks like a hundred dollars or more!_

“I don’t know-”

“It’ll come back,” she interrupts. “Just start the van and you’ll figure it out.”

“Why should I listen to you? Why do you want me to go?”

Starlight glitters on the tears in her eyes, which I only now notice. “You killed the driver and you destroyed the motel tonight. They don’t want to talk about it, but I do! You’re… you’re just as uncontrollable as her! One of us has to face that and take care of it. If it’s me…” She angrily swipes her hand over her eyes.

“I know you were already thinking about leaving,” she hisses. “You’ve wanted to leave ever since you… brought her back to life. Go. I’ll… I’ll cover for you.”

Her eyes are as blue as her sisters’, but unlike Kate’s, hers glow with a fierceness I can’t imagine in Kate’s. She stands with a determination, unwavering in her glare.

Leave.

Go.

Everything is clicking together. And just like that, my decision is made. With a touch to her shoulder, I give her one final look, climb into the van and throw my pack on the other seat. It takes a moment to start the engine and she’s right. When my hands grab the steering wheel and gear shift, I know what to do.

Her eyes follow me as I back the van from the spot; two pinpoints of glinting hardness in the night. Next to her, the motel doors stay closed. Once I turn the van around, I no longer see them, but I feel them. I pull onto the street, choose a direction that seems like North and turn.

It takes me a while to make my way from town, mostly because I don’t know where I’m going. Thankfully, it’s a small town and after a few wrong turns, I figure out which signs to look for and follow 101 North.

When the lights of Gold Beach are behind me, I relax and my breathing flows smoothly. _Now… to find Doctor Smith and end this. Break his funding. Or break into his office._

Thoughts about the possible unknown tracker in me flit through my mind along with memories of today and other days. If there is a tracker that will speed up my causing him trouble. He’ll find me. The thought scares me, but I handled myself ok last time. I’m sure I can do it again. I think.

The purples and blacks of the night mask the forest on either side of the road. In open stretches, moonlight glints off the ocean to my left, though usually it’s hidden by hills and trees. No other cars pass me, and I see neither headlights nor taillights as I drive through the early morning. Only my thoughts and the noise of the road keep me company. There’s a radio, but right now I want the silence to think.

And my thoughts aren’t pleasant ones. Filled with hurtful things about myself and others, unleashed by the nightmare that destroyed the motel. I hate leaving Chloe and Kate. The thought squeezes my heart. _I had to go! It could have been Kate or Chloe or Lynn. What if I hurt one of them next time? That’s why I had to go. _The words do little to lessen the ache and I don’t really believe them.

The last scenes at the cabin, blood splattered on the porch, blood soaking the road, join those thoughts. Doctor Smith killed to get me. _He’ll kill them again if they stand between me and him._

The thought of keeping Smith away from my friends is more believable. It helps loosen my chest and shoulders. I lean back, the driver’s seat a firm comfort in the dark world I traverse.

Those thoughts keep me focused and the miles roll away behind me. I drive until the sky to my right gains an orange hue. As I go around a sweeping bend in the road, I spy an open area to the right of the road. I slow the car as I approach. There is bare earth without bush or tree for several hundred feet and I pull the van off the road.

The van stops in the middle of the open area. Trees loom at the edge, a dark wall of life between me and the world. I turn off the engine and close my eyes.

Nothing.

A few birds call faintly in the distance.

Surf crashes softly against rocks.

No voices. No cars. No engines.

Before sleep can take me there, I open my eyes and pocket the keys. Sleep pulls at my mind, but I can’t sleep in the drivers seat. After locking the doors, I crawl into the middle of the van. I find a pack of clothes to use as a pillow, and I still have my hoodie for a blanket. I lay on the floor of the van, my head cushioned by the pack.

My eyes close and I push the thoughts from my mind. They come crowding in again despite my efforts. After several minutes of that, I turn my mind to a more productive activity: remembering how happy Chloe and Kate are together. Their happy smiles send me to sleep.

_I must protect them. At all costs._

* * *

Fallen trees cover the ground all around. Broken, shattered, their trunks burst into long slivers that litter the earth. A chill breeze, heavy with the scent of the ocean stirs the few shrubs that cling to the exposed soil. A nothingness surrounds me, disturbed only by the faint rustle of a light breeze in the shrubs. There are no animals, no people talking, no birds crying overhead. Nothing.

In the midst of the ruin I stand; its nothingness presses me. It’s an open wound that refuses to heal, instead bent on being fouled and infected. As if to emphasize that, I see scattered amongst the trees and shrubs bodies in various states of decay. Human and animal alike, they lie twisted and broken. Their stench is heavy and wet as it clings to me.

“Welcome to your legacy,” a voice filled with terrible joy says from behind me.

I turn to find Her standing there. Of course it’s Her: my double that tormented me the last time I slept. “Where am I,” I ask though the location name pops into my mind of its own accord.

“Where you found your true calling,” she says, “where it all began.”

“Why am I here?”

She steps close and raises her hand toward my cheek and I step away. “Don’t touch me,” I hiss as I raise my hands to block her.

Her face splits into a smile that is disturbing. “Oh Max,” she pouts, “don’t you love me anymore?”

“How could I love a person that delights in taking the life of others?”

“We had so much fun together!” Her face turns hard and she steps so close our noses almost touch. “And you liked it! You reveled in it!”

Her words make me shudder and I rub my arms.

“He saw that part of you and perfected it,” she whispers. Her tongue passes over her lips as she speaks.

“As far as I’m concerned, that part of me is dead.”

“Oh, so naive,” she pouts again. “You can’t be rid of me that easily. I am you, after all.”

“I will never be you!”

“No, you won’t, probably. But that won’t be a problem. As long as this exists,” she gestures to the ruins around us, “your guilt lives and grows. It weighs on you. While it exists, I exist.” Her face goes to the side of mine and she whispers into my ear, “and I grow powerful. You won’t be a problem much longer.”

* * *

A powerful shaking pulls me to a form of wakefullness. I peer through bleary eyes at a hazy green shape, the memory of ruins and death fading into the cloud of passing sleep. “Good, you’re awake,” a voice harshly says. “I’m fucking pissed and so are your girlfriends!”

The world snaps into focus and I find Ethel stooped over me. I’m in the van, laying on the floor and my body aches. “Wuh?”

Ethel makes an unkind noise and leaves the van. I sit up in time to see Chloe turn to follow her, a glare on her face. Kate stands outside, her face pulled down in sadness. “Why’d you leave?” she whispers.

My mind is too foggy to form an answer. I shrug instead and pull myself out of the van. She steps aside, hands clasping herself. The bright light of day assaults my eyes and I squint as I look around. A small car is parked behind the van.

“Max,” Kate hisses in my ear. “Why… why didn’t you talk to us before leaving?”

The words I want to say won’t come and I can’t look at her. Or at Chloe who perches on the hood of the car. Behind her, through the glass, I see Lynn in the backseat, her face blank.

“I-”

“No,” Kate interrupts. “I’m too upset to talk about it right now! You hurt us! After we opened ourselves to you and tried to make you feel safe. Just… I can’t talk right now.”

She storms past me and sits on the trunk of the car where she faces away from me. _I really screwed this up._

“Where are the keys,” Ethel asks as she rounds the van. I dig into my pocket and hold them out to her. She jerks them from my hand and goes to the driver’s door. I shake my hand, fingers raw where the metal scraped them.

My eyes fall on Chloe. A lit cigarette is between her lips, smoke wafting upward. When she see me looking, she pushes off the hood and walks to me.

“Why’d you run,” she asks. Her tone is hard and drives home what I did.

“To keep you safe,” I say sadly.

She nods. “That’s what I thought. Dissolving the motel kinda freaked you out. Why didn’t you talk about it?”

My eyes wander again to Lynn, but she’s no longer in the car or looking at me. Instead she’s on the trunk talking to her sister. “I… don’t know.” I shift my eyes back to Chloe. “I’ve wanted to leave ever since the cabin.”

“Since you took down the Doctor. What happened?”

Blood on the ground, blood on the porch. Smoke and dirt and sweat and yelling voices. Death. “Too many things. Am I… am I in trouble?”

She tilts her head at my question and starts to laugh. It dies after a second or two. “Shit, you’re serious. No, Max, you aren’t in trouble. We’re not your parents. We’re your friends and we’re hella pissed, but we’ll get over it.”

“Stop making excuses for me!”

“What?”

“I’m a dangerous person. Last night… that could’ve been you or Kate.”

Realization dawns in her eyes and her cigarette drops from her mouth. “Shit! You think-” She cuts herself off to find and grind out her cigarette.

My hands worry my clothes. There are words that want to burst from me, but when I open my mouth, nothing comes out. “Chloe,” I manage to choke and she steps closer. “You and Kate… you keep treating me like… like I know what I’m doing, but I don’t.” That’s as far as I make it.

She looks at me, head tilted to the side, eyes flicking back and forth. “Don’t you? You’ve had your memories back for a couple of weeks now.”

My eyes fall to the ground and I toe a loose rock.

“Ok,” Ethel yells and claps her hand. “We need to get on the road. Take the rental back and figure out what we’re doing.”

I shake my head. “I’m not going.”

Both Ethel and Chloe look at me with mouths open. “Why the hell not,” Chloe demands.

“You take the cars and head back. I’m… I’m going to find the Doctor and end this before you get hurt again.”

“No!” Chloe’s jaw is set and there’s a gleam in her eye I don’t recognize. Maybe former me would. Her sharp word draws Kate’s attention and she slips off the trunk and walks toward us.

“You keep treating me like I know what’s going on, and… I don’t. All I know is that I don’t want anyone else to get hurt because of me.”

Head exploding. Blood spraying the air.

Shouts of Max Effect.

“I… don’t want you to come with me. I’m going to find the Doctor and convince him to stop this.”

“It won’t work.” Lynn’s quiet words hit the air before the others can speak.

“I agree with Lynn,” Chloe says. Kate and Ethel both nod. The latter adds, “can we get in the cars and head back to Gold Beach? We can discuss this there.”

Frustration wells within me and I screw my eyes shut. The words I need to say won’t come, and they can’t see or acknowledge reality. “No!” The frustration explodes from me in that single word and my clenched fists raise into the air.

“You aren’t seeing things how I do! I’m not… I’m not. Gah!” My cheeks are wet as I try to get the words to form so they understand. “I don’t want to go back and I don’t want you coming with me!”

A light touch on my arm, there then gone, makes my eyes flutter open. Chloe has stepped close, her face softened into a smile. “Ok,” she whispers, “ok. We won’t make you come with us. Walk with me?” She nods her head toward the trees that stand so close to us.

I nod and follow her as she walks toward them. “Don’t leave without us,” she calls over her shoulder. Ethel says something I don’t catch, and I’m sure I don’t want to know.

She walks, her shoulders loose and arms free, like she’s been in this place before. Her mismatched hair is no longer the clean cut of a few weeks ago. It does its own thing, going every which way.

When we can’t hear the others, she stops and leans against a tree. “Ok, Max,” she says slowly. “What aren’t we noticing?”

Again the words won’t come. They sit on the edge of my mind taunting me. I feel like I stand upon a tightrope with no safety, the words teasing me from the far end.

I copy her and lean against a tree. Its bark is rough and hard through my clothes and I step away from it. _How can she do that?_

I guess a repeat of things I’ve told them is all I can do. “I’m not your Max,” I slowly say. When I pause in an attempt to collect my thoughts, she says, “I know you aren’t.”

“You know… but you treat me like I am. You act like I’m a fully functioning person, when I’m not. I’m a stranger to myself and all of you are strangers to me. The few memories I have confuse me more than help me. Every moment, I expect my world to fall apart and it scares me, more than I can say.

“Much of what I’m doing is… an act, responding to how I think you want me to be. And… imitating you and Kate. I don’t understand any of it! All I understand is I’m dangerous and that the longer I’m around you, the more danger you’re in!”

She watches me as I speak, her eyes following me as I pace between two trees. “So the other night in bed, that was all an act?” There’s a dangerous edge to her words that I don’t understand.

“Kind of…”

“Fucking hell!” With that outburst, she storms off into the trees. My heart sinks as I watch her go. This is one thing I do understand. She misses her Max. When it doesn’t seem like she’ll come back, I follow her.

Smoke leads me to her. The scent of her cigarette is a sharp contrast with the pine and other forest smells. She’s leaned against a tree, her back to me. I pause to consider her and what the other Max would make of the scene. But that thinking eludes me.

I step close to another tree, careful to leave plenty of space between us. Even then, her displeasure presses against me and I have to focus on something else to keep my heart from racing.

“I… I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I should have told you sooner.”

“It’s not your fault,” she says, surprising me by speaking. “I bet you were scared to tell us, me.”

“Yes,” I whisper and keep my eyes focus on the cracks and seams of the bark I stand by. After another moment, I say, “you confuse me… I don’t mean the things you say or do… I think it’s things I know without… knowing.

“There are times where I know who you are better than I know myself, and I don’t understand it. Other times, I look at you and feel your emotions, but you’re a stranger. I can tell you want or need or expect some response, so I try my best, because…”

The words are coming now, but I don’t want to say them. I don’t want to hurt her. “Because I’m scared that if I don’t do what you expect, you’ll send me away. I’m barely hanging onto myself and every moment I’m scared you’ll figure out I’m fake, a charade.”

“So when I say you aren’t her, that really fucking hurts you, doesn’t it?”

She takes another drag on her cigarette, burning it to the end. A moment later the smoke escapes into the air while she crushes the butt. “Yes,” I whisper, watching to see how she accepts my answer.

Chloe leans her head back and stares into the sky. The silence between us is soon filled with the sounds of the forest. I give her as long as she needs. “You were scared to tell me the truth,” she slowly says, her eyes on the sky above. “I think… I’m too… intense, so driven by losing you… by what you… she - fuck! I don’t know the right words! I wanted Max back with us so badly that I didn’t stop to really consider what you needed. And then when we had to get Lynn…”

She straightens and looks at me. “I fell into big sister mode with her, because that’s what I’ve done the last few years. The fact you were lost and being flooded by memories you didn’t understand was pushed away by my happiness you were back, and because I gave too much time to Lynn and Kate. I’m sorry, Max. I really fucked this up.”

I shake my head at her answer. “No, Chloe. You didn’t. I don’t begrudge the time you spend with them. I don’t… I don’t expect anyone to help me with this, because I don’t even know how to help me with this.” Before saying the next part, I take a few breaths, then step to her side.

“What I do know, is you and Kate and Ethel and even Lynn have shown me a kindness I don’t understand. I don’t want anything to happen to you. That’s why I need to be far away from you. That’s why I need to stop this mess before it gets worse.”

“And there’s no way in hell I’m letting you do that by yourself!” Her words are soft yet firm. “I lost you for three years and when I got you back, I lost you again. I don’t want to make that mistake a third time. I’m coming with you.”

I open my mouth to complain, but something about her stance stops me. And another thought occurs to me. _I have no idea where I’m going nor how to get there. I need a navigator._ “Ok,” I whisper. “You can come.”

A smile spreads slowly across her face at my words, but it lacks her normal brilliance. She stands in silence, her eyes fixed on mine and I yearn to know what she’s thinking. Words fail me again, and I let my eyes drop to study my shoes.

“How… how can I help,” she whispers.

“It’s too much to expect of you,” I answer, my heart in my throat.

“Tell me anyway.”

“I’m not your Max and don’t know if I ever will be. I’m… me and I don’t know what that means. My memories are incomplete and aren’t mine anyway. Don’t… don’t think of me as her, as the person you used to be and know, even when I do or say things that are her. I need you to see me… as me, without any association with her.”

A silence falls between us when I finish. It’s heavy and presses against me. Moments become minutes and it’s smothering and constricting and oppressive. _I’ve screwed this up again. I’ve asked for what she can’t give and ruined everything._

Bands wrap around my chest and pull tight and I can no longer breath. I turn to leave, to be crushed into the nothingness that I am, but a hand stops me. “Don’t go,” she whispers and I shudder.

She draws me to her, wrapping me in her arms and scent and presence. “It’s not too much to ask,” she whispers, her breath stirring my hair. “We’ve done this for each other before, though you might not remember. When you were… around ten you wanted to be called Max. Your parents said that was a boy’s name didn’t want to. Kids at school gave you grief. But you stuck with it, and I stuck with you. We can do it again.”

Her words worm their way through the bands around me, forcing their hold to loosen. Great shuddering gasps wrack me as I struggle to breathe and feel and hope all at once. My arms tighten on her and my hands clutch her jacket, pulling it as I struggle to let myself be.

We stand like that in the forest and she never lets go though I shake in my attempts to believe what she says. Her arms never falter, nor her words of support that she whispers. At long last, the words seem real, feel real, and I can believe them. And still I cling to her, caught up in a sense that if I let go everything will become an unreality and I’ll be back where I started.

But at last, with a gentle word from her, we let each other go and step away. The world doesn’t end, nor does the gentle smile she turns upon me. “Max and Chloe versus the world,” she whispers with that smile.

I nod, then give her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Thank you,” I say and turn my eyes away at my brazenness. She chuckles warmly.

“Was that because you wanted to, or because you thought it was expected?”

After a moment’s thought, I look at her and say, “because I wanted to.”

“Good. Those hope for you yet, Caulfield.” She thumps me lightly on the shoulder and says, “Now, I believe there is a car trip in our plans for today. Girl bonding time!”

“What does girl bonding time mean?”

She takes me by the arm and we begin our walk back to the road. “Oh, you know: chocolate, bad romance comedy movies, boys. That kind of stuff.”

I look at her incredulously and she bursts into laughter. “Ok, ok. Punk music, bad diner food, sleeping under the stars, stuff like that.”

“That’s better.”

She tells me more funny things as we walk, some make me laugh while others make me groan. From her grins and tone of voice I know she particularly likes the latter. We arrive at the roadside with me in a much better frame of mind. I have my own smile as we near the cars.

Lynn notices us first and frowns slightly. Before she can speak, Kate rushes to us. “Are you… is everything ok,” she asks breathlessly.

“Yup,” Chloe says before I can. “Max and I are headed North while the rest of you go South.”

Kate’s face hardens as Chloe gives her the news. Ethel approaches in time to hear Chloe’s answer. “Wait!” she exclaims. “What happened to splitting up always being a bad idea?”

Chloe splutters and then goes silent. “Let’s talk,” Kate says and gently takes Chloe’s hand.

I watch them walk several feet away. Lynn watches also, shaking her head the whole time. “We need to leave,” she whispers.

“Where do you need to be,” I ask her, curious about her behavior.

“Anywhere but here.”

I have no response to that. Next to me, Ethel looks ready to go. She stares at Kate and Chloe, her face hard and brows lowered. A momentary temptation to switch to the stillness, take the keys and leave claims me. For a moment I waver, uncertain whether I should give Kate and Chloe time to talk or take matters into my own hands.

In the end, our choices are changed. A low sound draws my attention to the North. An object flies through the air along the route of the 101. “Shit,” I hear Lynn whisper. “It’s too late.”

“What is that?” I ask.

Ethel turns and adds her own swearing to Lynn’s. “Cars, now!” she yells and runs toward Kate and Chloe. I’m transfixed by the odd thing in the air. It seems to hover now, it’s pointy end pointed right at us. At me.

Lynn steps next to me and watches the object as it hovers in the near distance. “Do you know what that is,” I ask her.

“Everything is about to change,” she whispers and there’s a tone to her voice I’ve never heard her use with me: soft and warm. She turns and stands partially in my view, her eyes searching mine. I’m surprised to see the hint of a frown on her. “For you. I’m… I’m sorry, Max. You don’t deserve any of this. Everything’ll be ok, eventually.”

“What?” Her words confuse me even more than what’s happening. Fingers brush the back of my hand, Lynn’s fingers. She looks away at my glance, a slight reddish tint to her cheeks.

“You’ve one chance.” Her words are still warm, but now distant and low.

Over her shoulder, and between her and the object, a bit of blue flutters in the air.

“Don’t look at me,” she whispers. “Watch the drone.”

I turn my eyes back to the object, deciding it’s the drone thing she mentioned. _How does she know what a drone is? What is a drone?_

The object has moved closer and I can now make out details. It reminds me of a small plane. Behind it vehicles rush into sight, blocking the road. They zoom close to us. I spin to flee when I see more vehicles behind us. We’re surrounded!

The vehicles screech to a stop only a few feet away, gravel and other debris flung forward into a billowing cloud of dust by their sudden stop. People pour from them, all in dark uniforms with helmets and visors that hide their eyes. A cacophony of shouts fills the air as commands are issued. In a few moments, the uniformed people surround us in a tight, but wide ring.

With a pounding heart, I back away from the commotion and shouting and guns and dust. My heel descends on someone’s foot and I stop, arms shaking. An arm goes around my shoulders and a head leans close. “Breathe,” Chloe whispers. “It will be ok, just breathe.”

Like she says, I take a deep breath and close my eyes.

When I open them, the trees and people and vehicles and voices have disappeared. My eyes readjust and refocus as the light changes to reveal a large mirror mounted over a sink. Staring at me in the mirror is a blue-haired woman wearing a pixie cut. Freckles are scattered across her face and her blue eyes blink rapidly.

It’s a look I perfected over the last few years. Well, not the lipstick smeared across my chin instead of my lips. The look is in tribute to her, the woman who gave herself so others could live.

My fingers tighten on the lipstick tube as the rest of the motel room comes into focus around me. The focus lasts only a moment as my eyes tear up. She’s gone. Again.

The year is 2018.

I’m in a motel in Arcadia Bay.

Chloe’s been dead for five years now.


	16. Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning:
> 
> Self-loathing and self-harm are both depicted and described.  
Minor character exhibits hatred of LGBT+ people.

_Five years._

The lipstick tumbles from my limp fingers as that thought races through my mind. I barely feel my hand hit the counter as it too falls. _Another fucking episode!_

Chloe’s loss hurts even now, even though it saved so many people. The happiness she had with Kate in that… place in my mind cuts deep. _Did she ever get to experience that? Did she and Rachel have that before…? _I look at my right hand. The temptation is too strong. I hold it out like I did during that fateful week and concentrate. 

_Undo my lipstick mess!_

As expected, nothing happens. I hide my worthless hand from sight. It has an itch that burns.

“You almost ready to go, Maxini,” my wife calls from the other room.

“Just about,” I say. I don’t want her to know I just had an episode, but my voice gives it away. She doesn’t need my problems, especially this thing that won’t go away.

Vic pokes her head into the room and says, “Everything alright?” When she sees my face, she gasps and steps quickly to me. “What happened?” Her voice is layered with concern and love and so many other feelings that I can’t stop myself.

“I… had another one of those episodes.” The tube of lipstick rests on the floor, an acknowledgement of my weakness. My right hand twitches.

She gently pulls me into a warm hug. “Oh, Max,” she whispers. “I’m sorry.” She holds me tight while her lips place small kisses on my head.

I turn in her arms to rest my head against her. “It’s so hard.” My voice is rough now and crackly. “Five years! I know… I know her sacrifice was her choice, but I can’t help feeling it wasn’t the right one!”

She leads me to our bed in the other room and helps me sit down. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I nod and wipe my eyes quickly. My fingers come away black. _Damn! I’ll have to redo my makeup. _“It was really weird. I was with her and Kate and Kate’s sister Lynn. A lady named Ethel was with us. We lived in a cabin in the mountains. I was in a weird experiment where they messed with my mind. I had my powers again and could do all sorts of unusual things with them.” _Like bring people back from the dead. Oh, Chloe! If I had that ability right now! _A tightness closes my throat at the thought.

“How long,” she asks as she takes one of my hands into her own. _Not the shameful one! She knows and doesn’t want sullied by it._

“I don’t know. Several years I think.” I look at a clock, “but only a few minutes of our time.”

“Well,” she says with a pause, “it’s shorter than the last time. And the last one was what? Five months ago? Doc Hamilton said that should happen. Looks like the meds are helping.”

I nod and look at our hands. Mine is between hers, a warm joining of flesh and spirit that gives me a focus. I reach over with my other hand, fingers blackened by makeup, and stroke the back of hers lightly. _Do something good for once!_

“How did it make you feel?”

I ponder that question a few minutes. “Honestly? Really weird. In that world, I no longer knew who Chloe was, because the experiment stole my memories. She and Kate were girlfriends and they kept trying to include me in their little group.”

“Kinky,” Vic says with a smile and a soft growl. “Maybe we should ask Kate tonight if she’d like to join us after the party!”

“Stop that,” I say with fake anger and playfully slap her hand. But she’s already done what was needed: get my mind switched from dwelling on Chloe and the episode. Although it’s only momentary, it’s enough to reframe my feelings.

“Are you going to be alright?” She’s serious again, and there’s that love and care layered in her voice.

I lean my head on her shoulder. “Yeah,” I whisper, “I will. Just… hold me, please?”

She takes me in her arms and I close my eyes to feel her warmth and love. “You did the right thing,” she whispers. “The two of you saved thousands. I’m sure wherever she’s at, she’s proud of you right now. Accomplished photographer. Good friend. Loving wife. The work you do to help others. You give of yourself in so many ways, Max. You are an awesome person.” There are other things she whispers, but they fade into the background. The sound of her voice, the feel of her love, are enough.

Time passes and is meaningless. Vic and her arms around me are my universe. They are all that matter. It’s a welcome role reversal. Many times over the fives years we’ve been together I’ve done the same for her. My little Tori who is so driven and hard and focused with everyone else is a warm teddy bear in my arms. _Except teddy bears don’t have her dark past._

Reluctantly, I turn my head and give her cheek a peck. “Thanks, Tori,” I whisper. “I love you.”

“And I love you. My arms are always here to support and help you.”

Her words cause me to snuggle against her. _Oh, I want to stay here all night!_ But I can’t, or won’t, or maybe both?

“I need to wash my face and redo my makeup so we can go.”

“You’re ok with that? Going, I mean. We can skip it if that helps you.”

I shake my head. “No… I want to see them. It will remind me of what she bought with her life. No matter how much it hurts, and it will hurt, I want to see what Chloe made possible.”

The night we stood on the bluff and she offered herself to save the town, I stopped seeing Chloe’s death as an inevitable result of fucked up fate, and instead a choice we both made. A choice to bring about a better future for others. Or at least that’s what I told myself.

“Ok then,” she whispers into my hair. “But don’t hesitate. If it becomes too much, I’ll take you away from there and nobody can stop me.”

That makes me smile and I tilt my head to give her a tender kiss. “I love you, Tori.”

“And I love you, my little Maxini.”

With great reluctance, I slip from her warm embrace to finish getting ready. Ten minutes later, or so, my simple makeup is done. We grab our jackets and step outside. It’s a cool early summer night and I pause to look at the scenery. The view from the second floor motel landing of the lighthouse and the town is magnificent.

I reach into my ever present bag and pull out a camera. It’s not an Instamatic, like I used years before, but a compact high-end digital. That other camera is in a safe place. I take a few shots of the town and the lighthouse, then put it away.

Victoria takes my hand and says, “Shall we Mrs. Chase?”

“We shall, Mrs. Caulfield.” We saunter down the landing to the stairs and descend. Seconds later, we’re in the car and headed toward Blackwell.

It’s our five year High School reunion. Five long years since the horrible events of that week. Five years since I lost my best friend, Chloe. And five years since I gained a new friend, and later a wife, Victoria. I give her a smile as we approach the school. My fingers find hers on the gear shift and curl about them.

“Watcha thinking about?”

“You and how awesome a wife and friend you are.”

“You got that right! But don’t let any of our old school friends know! I’ve a reputation to maintain.”

“Oh, I’m sure they know you’ve softened, Vic.”

“Softened! I’m as hard as diamond.”

I chuckle at her playful statement. “And as beautiful as one. Ok, we’ll keep up your appearances, but only here at Blackhell. At home…” I let the thought hang, knowing her imagination will complete it in the best possible ways. A soft sound like a growl or purr from her confirms that.

And then we’re pulling into the parking lot. For a moment I see a beat up old truck parked across the handicap spot, then we park and Vic turns off the car.

We exit into a twilight filled with the distant sounds of thumping dance music, laughter, and loud conversations. I look at my wife, in her black thigh-length dress, simple flats, and decorative clutch. She looks stunning, as always. I draw close and ruffle her bangs, moving them to frame her gorgeous eyes. Our arms hook together, and we amble toward the swim hall.

The school hasn’t changed much in the past five years. At least the buildings haven’t. What changed is the people. Jefferson went to prison. Wells lost his job in the scandal. The Prescott’s didn’t come out too well, but they are still a known presence around town. At least they no longer own the cops, I think.

I give one last look at the sky and the early stars twinkling in the purplish expanse. The bass of the music repulses me. But so does the memory of two girls running from security guards toward a pickup. Repulse isn’t the right word, but the thoughts that squeeze my heart as I hear that laughter again hurts too much to be fondness.

“My dudes!” The greeting comes from our left as we enter. Justin comes over and gives us each a quick fist bump. “So awesome to see you! The queen of ‘tude and her…” His eyes give me a slow blink, before he continues, “and Maximus!”

Something flips inside me at his use of Chloe’s name for me. “Just Max,” I say gently. The tightness increases. There’s an itch that demands to be scratched.

“Max, bro. You need something to help you chillax,” he says in his airy way. He chuckles at his bad rhyme. “Maybe come by later and I’ll connect you with my latest crop.” He gives us a bright smile, fist bumps each of us, then returns to his posse in the corner. _Justin wearing stylish clothes, so weird. Almost wrong. Guess his MJ investments are working out for him._

Thus begins an evening of weirdness. Although we maintained contact with some of the students, for most of them this is the first time we’ve seen each other since graduating Blackwell.

We’re only a few feet from Justin when I hear a squeal and then someone shouts my name. “Max!” I turn with a smile already on my face. Kate stands near, wearing a calf length light blue dress that’s off the shoulder. Though her hair is pulled up as always, I can tell it’s shorter. Various blue gems twinkle about her neck and in her hair.

“I’m so glad you made it,” she gushes and holds out her arms. “Is a hug ok?”

“It’s always ok from you,” I say as we embrace. She smells of bread and sunshine and happiness. It stirs a memory from the episode. I quickly push it away before it can sweep me into its embrace. I’ve had relapses soon after an episode simply by thinking about it. Here is not an opportune place for that. My wrist itches.

Behind her stands a man, a little taller than her, with dark brown hair parted to the side. He wears a crisp pair of khakis, a blue striped button down, and a sport coat. With patches. I can’t decide if that makes him look stylish, dorky, or old. “This is Jonathan,” Kate says as we separate. “My husband.” She giggles when she says that and blushes a little. Jonathan steps forward and shakes my hand.

“Max,” he says with a soft drawl, “Kate has told me a lot ‘bout you. Nice ta finally meetcha!” His handshake is as warm as his smile. He puts an arm around Kate’s shoulders when we step away and his smile becomes impossibly brighter. Kate could light up the room right now if the lights turned off.

“And it’s great to meet you! I’m sorry we couldn’t make it to the wedding.”

“No worries, Max. You couldn’t help it that your mom was in the hospital. How is she?” Kate asks.

“She’s doing well, although dad gets after her for working too much. The doctor’s ordered her to reduce her stress so she doesn’t end up back in the hospital. That’s not happening, though.”

“When she focuses on something, it’s hard to get her to stop, isn’t it?”

I nod with a smile. “Yeah, that’s the truth.”

“Like mother, like daughter,” Vic says with a twinkle.

“Speaking of daughter,” I say to change the topic. I narrow my eyes playfully at my wife, but she feigns innocence.

Kate squeals and Jonathan begins beaming. “Oh, you have to see our pictures!” She reaches toward her back then pauses. “Oh, right, in my purse. I rarely wear dresses now you know.” Her hand moves to her small purse and pulls out a phone. “They aren’t exactly kid friendly.”

Within moments her shoulder is pressed against mine and she’s showing me pictures of her kids. Fraternal twins, a little boy and a little girl, she takes great delight in sharing everything she can about them. The little kids are adorable. Jonathan joins us and adds a few details here and there.

A throat clearing pulls us from Kate’s excited stories and we look up. Warren stands a few feet away, looking cute as always. His wavy hair gives him a jaunty appearance. He wears a red button down with white edging and black pants. “Max,” he says a little seriously, “and Kate.” There’s more joy when he says her name. _Is he still hurt that I wouldn’t date him?_

He’s a nice enough person, but ‘no’ was a word he didn’t want to accept. In school, Brooke was all over him and I tried my best to help make that happen. Warren wouldn’t or couldn’t see her, though. His attention was hyper focused on me.

“And Victoria,” says a voice from my side. An arm slips around my waist. Warren takes a step back and the smile on his face falters. “And Victoria,” he echoes. _No love lost there either. _He smoothes his white tie with jerky strokes.

“Are you going to introduce us to your friend,” I say, gesturing at a young woman holding his arm. That makes his face light up. _Oh, my! He’s so cute when he’s in love! _He may have been a pain, but I don’t wish ill on him. If he found someone, that’s great!

“This is Jess,” he says and I extend my hand to her. _Jess? Wasn’t that the name of the pretend Chloe in that other place?_ A little jitter shoots through me and I struggle to keep my smile.

Jess wears a form-fitting white floral dress of bright colors and matching heels. Her straight black hair is held back with a single clip. There’s so much make-up on her face, she looks like a mannequin. “Nice to meet you,” she says as she shakes my hand. “You must be Max.” Her smile doesn’t touch her eyes.

I try not to look at Warren. _What did he tell her about me?_ She pulls me into a quick hug. “The right guy would have cured you of that,” she whispers, “he’d have fixed your confusion.”

_Cured me? Of what? And how am I confused?_ She steps away to take Warren’s arm again. My hands slowly drop to my sides as I try to figure out her words.

“Jess and I are engaged,” Warren says with more enthusiasm. Jess holds up her left hand to display the small glittering stone on her finger.

“Congratulations,” I say. The others echo my well wishes. Kate gives her a congratulatory hug. When Vic moves to do something similar, I see Jess narrow her eyes. Although she accepts the hug, she’s stiff and she mouths words at me over Vic’s shoulder.

“When’s the date,” Kate asks.

“We’re thinking sometime this Autumn,” Jess answers.

“You’ll all get invitations,” Warren says with a grin. Jess shoots a look at Vic and me that I don’t understand.

“You two look cute together,” I say in an attempt to pay a compliment.

“Yes, we do, don’t we,” Jess says as she looks at Warren. “The way it’s supposed to be.” _What does that mean?_

“Oh, look, it’s Ms. Grant,” Warren exclaims. “Come on Jess, I want you to meet my favorite teacher!” They hurry to another part of the room.

“Well, that was awkward,” Kate says.

“More like mean,” Vic mutters.

“What was that all about?” I don’t try to hide my confusion from Vic or Kate. They know me too well and I’m comfortable with them. Jonathan is an unknown, but I trust him because of Kate.

“I do believe Warren found himself a girl who hates gays,” Vic says. My jaw drops open at her words.

“I wonder if he knows,” Jonathan asks.

“That explains what she whispered,” I add.

“What’d she whisper?” Vic looks at me with her serious face.

“That the right guy would have cured me and removed my confusion. I was more confused by what she said.”

Vic’s face hardens while I speak. I place my hand on her arm. “Now’s not the time for that. Please?”

She relaxes and takes me into her arms. “Sorry,” she says, “I don’t like people talking to you like that. Especially when you don’t understand they’re insulting you.”

“Thanks.” I give her a quick kiss. “But if I don’t understand the insult, doesn’t that mean they failed?”

That brings a laugh from all and Vic is relaxed again.

“Now you two are the cute couple here,” Kate gushes. My cheeks grow warm at the compliment.

“Thanks,” I mumble.

We begin chatting about other things and learn that Kate is on her third children’s book. Her second book was award winning and is now used in schools in cyber bullying programs. Jonathan is an accountant parttime and a wood carver. He shows us pictures of his pieces, which are quite exquisite.

Others come by during the course of our conversation. Brooke with her girlfriend, with the happiest look on her face. The girl, Jade, appears just as enthralled with Brooke. I’m pleasantly surprised by that since there was no indication that Brooke was even into girls in school. _As if you had a real conversation with her, Caulfield! At least she found someone that brings her happiness._

After they leave, Dana and Juliet stop by with their dates, followed by Taylor, Alyssa, Daniel, Evan and more. It becomes harder and harder as the night passes. Each smile, each greeting, are all reminders that Chloe made all this possible. The itch becomes a burning that demands attention.

We’re all adults now and though we’re on school property, many people stand with beers and other drinks in hand. Even that reminds me of her, especially the quest for those bottles that had me going all over the junkyard.

Though I know I shouldn’t, because it aggravates things I’ve tried to put behind me, I can’t resist getting my own beer. I never had the opportunity to share a drink with her, to escape to her secret places and enjoy her company without the stress or turmoil of loss. Drinking on school grounds seems a proper way to remember Chloe. The bitter beer taste is worsened by memories and I quickly change to a mixed drink with the right amount of sweetness.

A second drink follows that as I see reminders of Chloe everywhere. Flashes of blue on people’s clothing. The smell of chlorine from the pool underneath us. And reminders of the last time we were in this building together. We were hunting Nathan because we didn’t know Jefferson was the real villain. The first time we were here together I keep as far from my mind as possible. Fingers trace the burning itch on my wrist.

I want to forget, but I don’t want to. Chloe Price. My friend. And I’ll never know if there was more. A goodbye kiss, no matter how passionate is not something to build a future on. And she’s not in this future, this present.

The drinks don’t help with any of it, except to dull the ache the memories cause. The burning itch in my right wrist intensifies. A saving grace is that the bar tender puts hardly any alcohol in the drinks. If these had more alcohol in them, I’d be in trouble.

People laugh and share stories. They dance and joke and enjoy life. Sure, there are awkward moments, like when people purposely avoid the topic of Nathan. Or when groups that didn’t get along find their roles are reversed. Like Justin’s apparent success compared to the jocks not moving into professional sports.

_Chloe made all of this possible. Without her sacrifice, these people would be dead and in the ground._ I take a sip, my face wrinkled from the bitter thoughts. _And they don’t fucking know it!_

I’m halfway through my third drink when Vic interrupts me. “Ok, you’re at your max,” she says. I’m lurking in a corner, doing my best to blend in with the wall.

“No fair, making puns with my name,” I pout. She flinches. “Sorry,” She whispers, “I didn’t mean to.”

I drain the glass and hand it to her. “Take me home,” I ask and drape my arms over her shoulders. She places the glass on a nearby table, then removes my arms.

“Home it is,” she says, “or as close as we can here.” She pulls me close and wraps an arm around my shoulder.

My head buzzes with lightness and my eyes seem to move in differing directions, like I’m a chameleon. We slowly walk from the party, bidding people goodnight as we pass. The cool night air is bracing and I straighten, then pull Vic tight. Then tighter, as I turn and plant a kiss full on her mouth.

She accepts it and holds me close, reciprocating the kiss. When we break apart, my mouth savoring her flavors, I say, “wanna kiss you more. Wanna make you the happiest woman tonight.” Normally I don’t show my playful side in public, but this day has me so twisted up inside, that I can’t keep my guard up.

The alcohol helped loosen some of those guards which is another reason I drank tonight. I didn’t want Vic to take home a sullen, depressed wife. She might wake up to one, but tonight I wanted her to enjoy to its fullest.

“Sure, love,” Vic breathes, “but not here, ok? Wait until we get home.” I nod and allow her to lead me to the car.

Once we’re in, buckled up, and the engine on, I let my hand roam. It moves from the center console to her knee. But it doesn’t stay there long. My fingers trace light circles inside her knee, then slowly trace a path up the inside her leg, under her dress.

She keeps my hand close to her knee, a playful game that tantalizes while it allows her to focus on driving. Once we’re in our room, everything changes.

The moment the motel door is shut, Vic drops her purse and pushes me against the wall. “You’ve been asking for this ever since we left the party,” she whispers as she stretches my arms above my head. Her mouth lowers, but instead of kissing mine, it goes lower still and fastens itself to the soft skin of my throat.

I purr as she kisses and sucks on my neck. She lets go of my hands, which immediately land on her head to hold her there. My fingers roam through her hair while her lips nibble a blazing trail across the base of my throat.

“Is this what you want,” she purrs. When I don’t immediately answer, she stands and looks me in the eyes. There’s just enough light for me to see them sparkle.

“I want it. Light me up,” I whisper.

Her fingers make quick work of my outer clothes giving her access to all of me. Her soft lips go lower and lower, kisses and little nips kindling a burning in my core. I lean against the wall as she works her skill at bringing me pleasure. She pulls down my underwear, which sparks a growl.

Morning finds us wrapped around each others bodies, clothed only in the sheets and blanket. My head lays on her breast and I savor the closeness it brings us. Her arm cradles me against her.

“Morning sunshine,” I say when her fingers begin brushing my hair.

“Morning.”

The sound of her heart is a beautiful rhythm in my ear. My hand comes up to caress her other breast while I listen. “Feeling good this morning,” she whispers.

I tilt my head to take in the full beauty of the smile she wears. As far as I’m concerned, it’s her most beautiful outfit. “Thanks to you,” I whisper. I press softly against her breast while I kiss her jaw. “How about you?”

“Mmm, getting there,” she purrs, “come up here and kiss me.”

We leave bed close to noon. When Tori made the reservations, she paid for late checkout and right now, I’m super glad. My skin is flush from our love and everything seems right with the world. I just want to lay here all day in her arms. But we can’t.

She takes the first shower. It’s too small and awkward for two people, much to our chagrin. When she comes out, I take mine.

After our showers, clean clothes, and packing, we check out. There are two more things I need to do. Two things for Chloe. Visit Joyce and visit Chloe. I don’t look forward to either of them.

The first is the easiest. We are both hungry and the Two Whales is still the best food in town, hands down. I know nostalgia is the biggest reason for that, but I don’t care.

A bell rings as we enter the diner. Joyce is behind the counter. “Find yourself a place tuh sit,” she says as she turns. “And- Max!” She drops whatever she’s holding with a loud clatter, hurries around the counter and grabs me up in a big hug.

This entire trip I told myself I wouldn’t cry. When I had that episode yesterday, and lost Chloe again, I didn’t cry. When I saw all the people at Blackwell living life, a life she’d never be able to enjoy, I didn’t cry. But when Joyce hugs me, nothing on earth can keep me from crying. And she cries, too.

We hold each other a while, two people broken by loss, joined by memories and friendship and love. My tears dry first and I push gently at her. Joyce gets the picture and straightens up. She wipes her eyes as she says, in a hoarse voice, “it’s so good to see you, Max. And… Victoria is it?”

Victoria extends a hand, but Joyce pulls her in for a hug. At first, Vic is stiff and on the verge of rejecting it. Without any prompting or help from me, she relaxes into the hug and even lets her hands pat Joyce. An indescribable joy fills me when that happens. Vic has gone through so much to reach a point where she can accept close contact from a stranger. At this moment, I’m proud of her and what she’s accomplished.

“Do you… your usual booth is free if you want it.” Joyce steps away from us and smoothes the front of her uniform.

I look to my right, down the row of booths. From here I can see the carving on the corner of the table. “Sure,” I say throatily, “we’ll take it.” We take the longest walk of my life as we step the twenty feet to the booth. It looms larger than life in my mind as we near. I slide into my side and Victoria takes Chloe’s. Only, I don’t tell her that it’s Chloe’s side.

Our trip, coming to the reunion, visiting Joyce and Chloe, are mostly for me. Losing Chloe broke me after that first week. _How foolish I was, thinking I was strong enough to go on._ If not for Victoria… well, I don’t want to dwell on that.

The trip is to help me to finally say goodbye, to bring closure.

I give my wife a weak smile as Joyce fills my coffee mug. Holding it occupies my hands so they can’t pay attention to the itch. The alcohol dampened it last night, and our torrid night and morning in bed squashed it outright. Unfortunately, the diner gives it new life.

“Let’s talk about your superpower…” Chloe’s voice comes to me like she’s in the booth opposite. Victoria is reading the menu and doesn’t see when I flinch and lower my head. It’s like it was just moments ago that she sat across from me.

And… she’s been gone five years.

_And I can’t go back and change things. Not anymore. Just… damn Max! Get yourself together. Yes, you miss Chloe but you’ve got a wonderful wife who supported you through some serious shit._

Joyce interrupts my thoughts by showing up to take our order.

“The last good Belgian waffle I had was here, five years ago. So, bring it on!”

“I’ll have the egg breakfast, over medium, rye toast dry.” Vic is treating herself, I see. Joyce walks back and gives the order to the cook.

“She looks in good health,” Victoria says as she watches Joyce.

“She does,” I agree, “but I can see the strain on her. I wish… I wish there was a way I could make things better for her.”

Victoria nods as she returns her gaze to me. Fingers graze mine where they hold the mug. “Everything you’ve told me about her tells me she’s a good person. Perhaps your gift will help.”

“Guess now is as good a time as any to give it to her.”

“I suggest waiting until after we eat. It may make things awkward for her.”

“You’re right.” My shoulders slump a little.

We turn our conversation to last night and all the changes our school friends made in the five years. Justin dressed in nice clothes. Warren and his hateful fiance. Brooke and others. Most of all, we talk about Kate. Our food arrives and we dig into it. Although the waffle is better than I remember, I can only eat about half of it. My nerves are effecting my appetite among other things.

Victoria finishes her meal. I’m glad to see one of us does, and I ask for the check.

“Oh, no,” Joyce says, as she clears our plates. “No way am I letting you pay, Max. It’s not often I get to see my other daughter.” Her words make me wince, because I should have been here more. Instead of going to University, I should have stayed here and helped Joyce deal with the loss of Chloe.

Instead, like I always do, I ran away. _Not true, Max! You didn’t run away. You helped bring down that prick Jefferson and you helped Joyce a lot the rest of the year._

“Well, I have something for you,” I say cautiously.

“Oh? What is that, dear?”

I pull an envelope from my bag and slide it to her. It’s big, the kind you mail documents in, and she picks it up with a frown. “Don’t think I ever got mail like this before,” she muses as she opens the end flap. She pulls out the documents and scans them. She flips through page after page, then does it again.

“I don’t understand, dear,” Joyce says as she lowers them.

“Well,” I say slowly, “Last year, I sold some of my photos. I took part of the money and setup the Chloe Elizabeth Price scholarship fund. To keep her memory alive. It’s awarded to girls who pursue science and similar disciplines, with a focus on those who normally wouldn’t be reviewed for scholarships.

“And the rest… the rest of the money is for you. Pay some bills. Take a vacation. Do with it what you want.”

Joyce reaches out and steadies herself against the booth. “Why,” she asks and her voice is barely a whisper.

“I don’t want Chloe to be forgotten,” I say and try not to look at her. I don’t want to cry again. “And… I know what it’s like to struggle. I want… I want to share my success with the people who helped me be the woman I am.” _Instead of the failure I was… still am._

“I…” She breathes heavily as she tries not break down. “I can’t accept this.”

“It’s a lot to take in. The money is in an account, in your name. When you’re ready, call the number on that first page and they’ll help you.”

“It’s not the money, dear,” she chokes, “it’s the scholarship! You made it so my daughter won’t ever be forgotten! That’s… I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say!”

I slide out of the booth and wrap Joyce in a hug. “It’s the least I can do… mom.” That does it and she breaks down. I guide her to a seat where she can cry. I sit next to her, so she’s not alone.

Victoria looks at me across the booth and mouths, “you did great!” I smile thinly at her, aware that my internal dialog strongly disagrees. My eyes wander, not for the first or last time, to my right hand. It burns.

The scars are faint now, but I wish they were still present. A reminder of how bad things can get, of how easy it is to hate yourself for things you can’t control. Sure, your mind doesn’t care that you can’t control them. All it knows is what it wants and it will stop at nothing to get it. That knowledge doesn’t stop the anger that flashes through me. _That whole time was fucking unfair!_

We stay at the diner until Joyce recovers. She thanks me over and over for the gift. When we leave, she clings to my hand. “You ever need help,” she says, “no matter what it is, you call me! Do you hear me?” I nod and assure her that I will.

The mid-afternoon sun is hidden behind clouds when we exit the diner. We walk in silence to the car. _Only one more thing left, the hardest part._

In silence, we drive to the cemetery. When we park, I don’t want to get out. The memory of the funeral weighs on my mind. _That stupid butterfly landed on her casket and I fucking smiled at it! What was I thinking? That wasn’t her! It didn’t mean she was still with me! It was a fucking butterfly! _My wrist rubs against my jeans.

“Hey!” Victoria’s voice cuts through my inner turmoil. “Don’t tear yourself up over what happened. It was her choice and it led to many great things happening.”

“Name one,” I spit out.

“Us.”

I wince. That wasn’t the best choice, but it was good enough to quiet my thoughts. I give her a smile and say, “Sorry. You’re right.”

“Of course I’m right. We are the best thing to come out of this shit hole of a town!” She’s teasing, and it helps. I undo the seat belt and open the door. “Are you sure you want me to stay in the car?”

“Yes,” I say hesitantly. “I’m sure.”

She peers at me with an intense gaze. “You don’t have to do this, especially not alone.”

“I… I know,” I gulp. A tightness creeps up my chest to grab my throat. “I… I want to.”

She looks at me a while before she nods slowly. “Ok,” she whispers. “I love you whether you do this or not.”

“It’s for me, not us.” A defensiveness enters my voice and I stop talking before it’s more than a tone. After a moment of reframing what I’m doing, I look at her and smile. “I love you, too.”

I close the door and walk to the entrance. There are no gates, of course, only a giant arch over the road used by service personnel. That hideous dress and painful shoes I wore to her funeral made that experience even worse. I burned both later that night. That memory brings a smile to my face. Mom and dad were pissed, but I didn’t care.

At last I stand before her grave. I make myself look at it, and when my eyesight is too blurry, I smack the tears from my eyes and make myself look. _She gave her life so others could live! The least you can do is read her fucking headstone!_

Fingers scratch lightly at the inside of my wrist.

Chloe Elizabeth Price - Daughter, Friend.

_A better friend than you ever were!_

_Stop that!_

I slip my pack to the ground and follow it to sit in front of the stone and lean against it. Five fucking years. And the world keeps turning, although in many ways mine stopped that night.

My eyes fall to my hands laying in my lap. My left fingers trace the lines on the inside of my right wrist. I wasn’t trying to kill myself, not really. In a fit of anger and guilt and grief I tried to cut off my hand, the hand I held up when I rewound. _If it couldn’t rewind anymore, of what fucking worth was it? Was me?_

_Good thing for me, I couldn’t find the right tools._

_Good thing for me, Victoria came home then._

_Good for fucking me!_

“Chloe,” I whisper, “I’m so sorry… I’m a fucking horrible friend! All I do is abandon you! You gave me so much… and I gave you so little. Mainly pain. First at thirteen after William died, then again at 18 after you died.”

My heart is dead within me. The earth pulls at me and I want to accept its embrace. I scoot down until I lay on the ground. This is the closest I’ll ever be with her again. _I should be in the ground. Not you._

Clouds scuttle across the blue sky, carried hither and thither by the wind. Only a gentle breeze passes through the cemetery, not cool enough to make me move. I think about what was and what could have been. A useless exercise that brings only misery to me. I relish it.

“I… I’ve tried to change, to improve. Use you as a teaching point. But I’m shit at that. All I do is use people. I miss you so much!”

The nails bite deeper.

“You’ll never guess who I ended up dating and marrying. Yeah, that’s right, Victoria fucking Chase. She and I had a huge fight the last semester of school. And we kind of got to each other. We are a lot alike, although she… she reminds me of you in some ways. In all the good ways.

“She’s able to get me to do things I wouldn’t do on my own. Boost my confidence. ‘Trick’ me into doing something. A lot like you. I think… I think if you’d been able to get to know the real Victoria, you’d have liked each other.

“Or… I’m just telling myself another fucking story because I can’t face reality.”

Tree tops sway this way and that. Their leaves give shade one moment, and take it away the next. Fickle. Like me.

“Did I tell you that I no longer have my power? Yeah, it was wasted on me anyway, but that afternoon, the day Nathan shot you, it left and never came back. I tried and tried, but nothing worked.

“And now here I am, again. You’re my everything, but that means I don’t have room for anyone else. And that’s not fair to Vic. Or me.”

My bag sits at my side and now my hand reaches into it. “I don’t know what to do,” I whisper as I pull several objects from the bag. “I visited you all the time when I lived here. Then… I moved again, went to University and the thought of coming back here… it hurt more than I expected.”

I spread the objects in the grass in front of me. “That’s a fucking excuse though. You did the right thing. You always did the right thing while all I did is run. Well… I’m done running.”

My fingers touch each of the objects. Pictures of that week. Chloe’s necklace with three bullets. One of her shirts. Pictures from our past together. All the things from the box Joyce gave me years ago. All except one thing.

“I took care of Joyce, at least as much as I could. And I setup a scholarship in your name, so you’ll live on.”

I turn and begin arranging the items in front of the stone. “We took back Arcadia Bay, you know? Sean Prescott got into severe trouble because of Jefferson. Apparently there were more than pictures of drugged 18 year olds in the binders.”

The necklace goes on the corner of the stone, its bullets hanging free. “Kristine returned and took over the family financials. Instead of gentrifying the Bay, she began investing in it. The town’s doing a lot better now.”

The shirt goes under the necklace, like Chloe’s wearing it. “Jeffershit’s still in prison and likely will be for life. Nathan… well, Nathan’s in an institute and I hope he finds help there. I used to hate him, for what he did to you. The shit that came out during trial though… he got it bad from his dad and Jefferson.”

I place the rest of the items in front of the stone and stand up. My hand holds the bag loosely.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is… goodbye.” I take a step back. “You were my life.” Another step.

“And it almost ended my life when you gave yourself so others could live. So now I’m sacrificing part of myself so I can live.”

I study the arrangement in silence. My tribute to my best friend. My throat is so tight. “I miss you. But I can no longer live with you. Because you’re there… and I’m… I’m not. And people out here… they still need me.” _No they don’t._

My hand raises and I give a little wave. Then I turn and walk away. “Goodbye, my Captain.”


	17. Failsafe Protocol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: psychological and emotional abuse, self-harm, attempted murder, assault

The past pulls at me with an unbearable force. There should be epic music playing with a windstorm as I walk away from Chloe’s grave. Ahead is my future with Tori. Behind is the woman I moved heaven and earth for, but couldn’t save.

_It was her choice._

It was a fucked up choice.

_She made life possible for Kate and countless others._

And now I make my life possible with my Tori.

_It’s not the same._

The day mocks my thoughts with its sunshine and singing birds. It’s like the world is doing its best to change my mood. When I exit the cemetery I find Victoria leaning against the car, her head tilted back as if studying the sky. One hand dangles against the car, her vape held loosely in it. The image of her is striking and prompts good thoughts from my heart. When she sees me, she flashes me a big smile. “How’d it go,” she asks and moves toward me.

I shrug my shoulders. “Painful. I almost couldn’t do it. Giving up my connections to her… it seems wrong and right at the same time. I don’t understand it.”

She hooks her arms around my neck and the last of my sour mood dissipates at her touch. She stares into my eyes and for a moment I want to lose myself in them. Those green eyes could be pools of sunlight dappled water, deep in a forest, warm and inviting. They pull at me.

“When I finally broke my parent’s hold over me,” she says, “it felt kind of like that. They gave me life, but never love or the other things I really needed. I know it’s not the same here, because Chloe showed she cared for you. The point I’m trying to make is at some point you need to put that past behind you and move forward. Even if it’s painful. And if this is what it takes…”

“And with you,” I whisper before kissing the tip of her nose, “I’m able to.”

She gives me a warm hug then we separate. “I’m proud of you,” she says, “what you did took a lot, but you did it.” She glances again at the sky, then back to me. “We should make it home before 10,” she says as she opens the driver’s door. “Tomorrow will bring a new day. Your first day.”

Vic means her words to be inspiring, hopeful, but instead they return the depressing thoughts. I open the passenger door and seat myself. Life without Chloe is not what I ever imagined, even though I’ve been stuck in such a world for five years now. The five years in Seattle, moving from childhood toward adulthood, didn’t prepare me for this.

That thought stabs me. _I’ve lived without Chloe almost as long as I’ve lived with her!_

The engine starts with a roar and she pulls out of the parking spot with a flurry of gravel. _My girl does like her speed_! A smile spreads across my face as I quickly put on my seatbelt. Moments later, we are on the road headed north.

We race away from Arcadia Bay, from the place of my childhood and where I became an adult. No matter how fast or far we travel though, a piece of me stays behind. Although, what I did at Chloe’s grave was supposed to bring the piece with me. I stare at my knees, the good feelings fleeing in the face of loss and separation.

_I no longer have a reason to visit Arcadia Bay._

The thought chills me like no other. This is it. The end. I can’t keep coming here, alone or with Vic. She deserves all of me, not a fraction.

_I’ll never see Chloe again._

It’s like I’m in that bathroom five years ago with Chloe’s gurgling breath drawing to a close. A finality that I wasn’t prepared for. Am not prepared for.

_I can’t even make a fucking decision…_

Next to me, Victoria is filled with words and ideas and enthusiasm for her next project and how we need to position ourselves to further our names in the art world. “Hey, uh, love? Would you mind if I took a nap?”

She gives me a quick glance. “I’m sorry, Max. You’re overwhelmed, aren’t you?”

“No… more like… breaking apart if that makes sense.”

“And a nap is all you need?”

“For now, yeah.”

“Ok.” She rubs my hand, then turns on the radio. Soon I hear the strains of Message to Bears playing. The perfect music to fall asleep to, in my opinion. I recline my seat and close my eyes. Sleep reaches out and folds me into her arms.

When my eyes open some time later, light still shines in the sky and the sun is just above the horizon. I yawn, rub my eyes, and sit up. “How long was I out,” I ask.

“Only an hour,” Vic replies.

“That’s it?” My stomach growls and I start looking through our bags for food. “Are we gonna stop for dinner,” I ask as I reach for her purse.

“In another hour, I think,” she says. “I’ve a snack in there.”

My eyes spy the silver wrapper and I pull it out. “Yum, a pop tart.” I put her purse away and tear open the package.

“You better remember to replace that when we get home. That’s my emergency snack.”

“Mmmm,” I say as I chew. “So delicious. I will claim one from our copious stash and place it in your purse tonight.”

“You better!” She threatens, but she smiles. I finish the tart, then wish we had water with us. She slides her hand across the console to take one of mine. “I love you,” she says as she pulls my hand over and kisses it.

“And I… love you,” I say happily. If she notices my hesitation, she doesn’t comment on it. The sleep did wonders for me. No dreams plagued me and I awoke not only refreshed, but in a better frame of mind. Though part of me rests with a woman miles behind in the past, I feel almost whole.

A roadside diner provides a convenient place for dinner. Our conversation is filled with discussion about the weeks’ projects, both at home and work. We’re both freelance artists with a growing clientele. Though I was able to sell some photos for a good amount of money, we are a long way from being known. Or, at least as known as we want.

After school, we decided to live in Seattle. That puts us close to my parents, and we both love the city. Unfortunately, it puts us in the same city as Vic’s parents. Though we broke off contact with them some years ago, being within miles of them is uncomfortable. At any moment we expect them to show up and do something horrible.

Her parents did provide one valuable service for us though, a belated wedding gift of our own devising. On a day we knew they weren’t there, Vic snuck into their office and made a copy of their clientele, their interests, and more. Her parents hadn’t bothered removing her access from their computers, evidently thinking Vic was a submissive daughter who wouldn’t think of doing something like that.

And five years ago that was true. A lot changed since then, including her breaking free of their manipulation and horrid ways.

We narrowed the list to people who interests matched ours, and who seemed least likely to be close with the Chase’s. Using my name removed further suspicion. And from their, we launched our careers.

It’s long past nightfall when we pull into our parking spot at the apartment. Even though I had a nap earlier, I’m tired when I exit the car. We grab our bags, each stifling yawns, and make our way upstairs.

Our apartment is a spacious studio, crammed with all our equipment. When we entertain, it’s a feat of organization to get all our equipment stashed where it won’t get broken or be in the way. We dump our bags in the corner, with the intent that we’ll unpack and put things away tomorrow.

Our bed is a large futon that we unfold. It has a better cushion on it than the typical futon, and tonight we’re both grateful for that. We rush through our bedtime routines, climb under the covers and Vic turns off the light.

I lay in the dark, staring at the ceiling. The events at Chloe’s grave keep going through my mind. It was my idea to leave those possessions there, a mini memorial to be taken by the weather just like she was. That doesn’t mean I’m at peace with it. I hoped it would bring me closure and enable me to move forward with life. But right now, I’m doubting it.

A hand slides across my belly and Vic presses against my side. Her fingers slide up to my face to play with my hair. “You ok,” she whispers.

“N-not really.” I turn on my side to give me a better view of her. My fingers slip through her hair. “Part of myself is still there with her… and another part seems lost in that episode.”

“All of me is here with you.”

“I know… and that hurts. No matter how much I want to be fully present with you… it’s unfair to you that I’m not.”

Her fingers trace lightly over my cheek and jawline. “You are present, Max. You had my back when I finally had it out with my parents. That took guts and a lot of presence. This isn’t some kind of contest and I don’t own you. I’m happy with whatever you give me.”

She leans close and our lips touch. Our hands move to hold each other, and in the midst of our kiss, she rolls to be on top of me. “Are you present enough for this,” she breathes as she kisses my nose, then nibbles my lips.

“Mhmm,” I say, not able to really speak with my lip between her teeth. She moves her mouth to my neck, kissing her way down to my chest. “Yes, I’m ok with this.” But I’m not. It’s all I can do to suppress a sob. I’m only going along with it because bringing her pleasure is a wonderful thing. I need that right now. I need to see her happy. She nibbles the soft skin at the base of my throat and growls.

* * *

Through the haze of night and sleep I spy a shadowy figure. They loom over me, all angles and shiny surfaces. A sense of unease exudes from the. My heart rate spikes and I try to move away, but my arms and legs won’t respond! The figure steps closer and raises its hand.

My head shakes back and forth and again I try to get away. Nothing works! Why?! The hand comes closer, fear shooting through me at its advance.

* * *

Morning comes and we awaken in one of the best ways possible: in each others arms. My eyes open first and I spend a few minutes studying her. Tori’s so at peace, her face relaxed and all her guards down, that I don’t want to awaken her. The peace I see right now was hidden so long behind her bitch-queen shield that very few people glimpsed it.

To think her parents contributed to that shield through their neglect, torment, and mistreatment makes my heart ache. I move close where I can be her shield against the world that wants to harm her, wants to change and hurt my queen. For she rules my heart in a way few have.

That thought breaks through the harmful thoughts that stem from the episode and from leaving Chloe. Last night when Vic’s eyes shone with the bliss I brought her, my heart was weighed down by doubt and hate for myself. How easily I abandoned Chloe unravels me.

But Vic, her love and who she is, she’s able to slip through all that. Much like I’m able to do with her.

Her brilliant green eyes open and pull me in. There’s a flicker of fear in her eyes and a slight stiffening of her before she realizes it’s me. “Good morning Mrs. Caulfield,” I whisper.

She relaxes and snuggles against me, her head going under my chin. My fingers stroke her hair while she holds tight to me. I can feel her heart beat; it spiked upon awakening. I know why, and I can’t stop the hazing of my sight from tears that knowledge evokes.

We lay that way as long as possible, comfortable in our combined warmth and her drawing strength from me. “Usual breakfast?” I whisper.

“Wish we didn’t have to work today,” she replies. “I’d much rather have you for breakfast.”

“Maybe for dinner,” I say with a smile. “May have to chase me down for that though.”

She lightly swats me at my bad pun with her name. My mind has already drifted toward my inspiration for such puns. _I shouldn’t have done that._

With a sigh, I slip from the covers and hurry into my pajamas. They’re cold from laying on the floor all night and I shiver as I pull them on. After a stop at the restroom to take care of business, I go to the corner of our studio that functions as the kitchen. My medicine is my first order of business, then breakfast.

The usual morning fare for us are vegetable-filled egg white frittatas, my speciality. While she showers and dresses, I prepare our breakfast. After Chloe died, I spent a lot of time with Joyce and she taught me a lot about cooking. My mother was always too busy with her career. It’s one of mom’s regrets, I know, but that way helped Joyce to heal.

Coffee is the first order, which I begin brewing in our french press. A reminder from yesterday comes to mind and I replace Vic’s emergency snack. There are days both of us get so busy that we don’t have time to stop for lunch. Keeping a snack on us is very helpful, even though we often pick unhealthy ones. I decide to throw a package into my backpack too, since I more frequently forget to eat or carry a snack with me. That done, I turn my attention to preparing the eggs.

I’m humming one of Local Natives’ songs as I monitor the frittatas when the pans scramble and jumble and tear. My brows lower and I frown. For a moment there is darkness in the midst of our small range, with shouting, screams and horrible smells. A shadowy shape turns its hidden eyes toward me. Then it’s gone and I stand frozen. My spatula stays poised over the pan as my mind tries to process what happened.

Thankfully, the smell of the frittatas captures my attention before either are lost. I flip them, then slide each onto its own warm plate. Arms encircle my waist as as I set down the skillet and I take a moment to lean back and enjoy being in her embrace.

“Kiss for the chef,” she whispers. I turn my head for the kiss, then she lets go. I grab the plates and carry them to our small table while she fills two coffee mugs.

We seat ourselves at our cozy table and dig into our food. Vic mmms and ahhs over my cooking and we discuss the day’s plans. The weirdness that happened while cooking leaves my mind as we converse. I appreciate her outfit: a smart blouse, white trimmed with black, and elegant black slacks. I love when she wears black and white and make sure to compliment her. Truthfully, I’m also a little envious. I dare not wear white because I will spill something on it.

After breakfast, she cleans up while I take my turn in our tiny bathroom. The warm spray of the shower is so good this morning.

“Hey, Max,” Vic calls over the sound of the water. “I have to leave early. My client changed their plans for today.”

“Ok,” I say and poke my head out of the shower. We give each other a quick kiss and she leaves. Minutes later, I finish my shower and turn the water off. While I dry off with my comfy towel, I think about the strange hallucination of two days ago.

Hallucination is the wrong word, but I don’t have a better one. Part of me wishes I could return to that world on demand. Even though my other self had no recollection of who she was, at least Chloe was alive. I hang my towel and leave the bathroom, my heart pained from that memory.

It’s a difficult path I walk: loving Victoria deeply while also loving Chloe. Early in our friendship, I told Victoria all about Chloe. Everything, including my speculation about possibility beyond friendship. When Vic listened without jealousy I was surprised, but heartened.

Only my apartment greets me when I exit and a sharp pain runs through me. I had hoped I would step into another reality. It doesn’t work that way though, it never has. The hallucination is one in a long string of events in my life over the last few years. Ever since I let Chloe die in that restroom, my life, waking and asleep, has been one struggle after another.

While I was in the shower, Vic cleaned the kitchen, put away the stuff from our trip, and transformed our bed into the couch. She was very busy and I love her even more.

I slowly pull on my panties and forgo a bra. It was one such episode that drove me to lay into Victoria right after spring break, cutting through her pretense to strike at who she really is. My jeans slide over my hips and I fasten them.

My last episode was almost a year ago and I don’t remember too much about it. I duck into my t-shirt and think about how Chloe looked in that reality. _Is that what they are? Other timelines or worlds? Do that Max, Chloe, and others exist and I only visit the Max there? Or are they really all in my mind?_

A year after Vic and I began dating, she convinced me to seek out a psychologist, therapist, or other person that could help. They all believed the events were in my head. Some wanted to get me in an institute or research project.

The latest, Dr. Hamilton, thought they were a result of my guilt and trauma of witnessing Chloe’s death. He gave me medicine that is supposed to reduce their effects. The meds combined with frequent therapy sessions seem to work since before them the episodes came every few weeks.

I put on my shoes, then return to the restroom to do my hair, put on a little makeup, and brush my teeth. A few minutes later I grab my hoodie, and leave, locking the door behind me. As I walk down the hall, I try to put the event from my mind. I need to focus on work. My heart doesn’t stop aching for Chloe.

The day passes without incident. One client cancels on me, which is disappointing. The other two clients are easy. Discussions over coffee, review and sign my contract, then arrangements for deliverables. One contract for an event, which I schedule on my calendar, another for digital assets for a website or something like that. It was the last in a long line of meetings with each of them.

The second contract is my preferred because it allows me to express my creativity. My afternoon is spent scouting locations, which includes taking some photos to use in planning my later setup.

Vic and I text throughout the day and we manage to grab a quick lunch together, which makes my scouting later so much better. She flirts with me with an intensity that tells me her work is going well. Work that others might find stressful energizes her. When we kiss goodbye she whispers that she can’t wait to enjoy our time together later that day. That warms me in a way that lends its own energy to my scouting.

I return home early to review my planning shots and prepare for the creative shoots. Our small table becomes my desk after I clear everything off. Laptop, journal, camera, and pens are my tools. While the photos sync from camera to laptop, I pull up Google Maps and review the areas for the creative shoots.

My fingers trace the faint scars on my right wrist while I consider the best days and times to do the sessions. It’s a wonder my right hand functions at all after what I did to it. _Those thoughts won’t lead you anywhere good._ With a sigh, I move my hand away and focus on planning the photo shoots.

Time passes quickly and before I know it, Vic opens the apartment door. I turn from the table with a big grin and jump up to welcome her. Her feet drag, but there’s a fire to her eyes that bursts into a bright blaze when she sees me. She closes the door, drops her purse and bag and welcomes me with a warm hug.

The kiss she gives me is as passionate as the first kiss she gave me back in Blackwell and it takes my breath away like it did back then. “You,” she pants when our lips part, “make coming home the best part of my day.” Then she pulls me in for another kiss.

“What do you want for dinner,” I ask as we part again.

She growls. “As far as I’m concerned, you are my dinner.” Then her lips fasten onto my neck and she picks me up. My arms and legs wrap around her and I run my fingers through her hair. “Sounds great to me,” I whisper as I hold her head close. She carries me to our bed, still in couch form. I slip down her body onto the cushion and look up at her.

Through slitted eyes she studies me. A hint of red is in her cheeks as her eyes capture me. “I could frame you right here and keep this picture forever,” she whispers.

She places a knee to each side of my legs and straddles my lap. Her fingers touch my jaw softly, tracing along it. I tilt my head into her touch and her lips meet mine.

Her fingers are in my hair, holding us in the kiss. My hands go to her hips to pull her against me, then run my hands up her back. She breaks the kiss a moment to whisper, “you are so fucking beautiful!” Then her lips return to mine and she draws me into her kiss in a way only she can.

Her hands find mine and pull them to her chest. Her soft skin meets my touch and I make a low sound in the kiss. She undid her blouse without me noticing! My fingers caress her sides and along her belly.

Again she breaks the kiss, this time to wriggle out of her blouse. Her eyes never leave mine and her smile never fades. The fabric flutters to the floor and she hooks her arms around my neck.

For a time it’s only us. The world fades into her smile and green eyes. “Not as beautiful as you,” I whisper. Sure it’s cringe, but I’m not going to let her think less of herself!

She leans close and begins placing little kisses all over my face. “Such beautiful freckles,” she whispers. “Each of them needs its own kiss.”

* * *

A strange, hulking figure looms over me. Large hands covered in thick material that glistens under the faint light press against an invisible barrier. If the person has eyes I can’t see them. I stand before them wondering what they want. Fear runs up my spine as I contemplate them breaking the barrier and entering my enclosure.

* * *

**INITIATING FAILSAFE PROCEDURES**

The shrill, metallic voice is everywhere, repeating the statement over and over. The emotionless words raise questions and fears that overwhelm me. No one is around to explain it, or to turn the voice off. I cower, hands over my head, but still the loud voice worms its way into me. It has its own cadence, a steady tempo that dictates my flinches.

* * *

Around me is bare earth as far as I can see. Well, except for the ocean on one side. No trees. No rocks. No shrubs. Nothing but naked ground. Dark smudges in the distance suggest trees or low hills.

As I turn I see Chloe and Kate huddled on the ground. Their eyes follow my motions, wary and wide. “Where are we,” I ask. When neither answers, I turn to face them.

Chloe’s face is hard and flat. “Wherever you left us,” she hisses.

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t remember, do you?” Her words are knives that lash me and I stumble backwards.

“Remember what?”

In a swift motion, she’s on her feet and in my face. “Just fucking kill us now and get it over with!”

Shocked, I step back, barely avoiding another stumble. “What do you mean?”

“You killed all of them!” Tears flood her face as she follows me. “You fucking don’t remember! I’m done with this, and you!”

“What? What don’t I remember? Please, won’t you tell me?” My heart is pounding now and I’m scared! Breathing is heavy and hard. I’ve never seen Chloe so angry, especially at me. I glance at Kate, and my eyes widen as realization trickles into my numb mind. “W-where’s Lynn? Where’s Ethel?”

The only answer I receive is a murderous glare from Chloe and a sob from Kate. Coldness washes down my skin and I shudder. “No,” I whisper. “No!” And I remember.

Rockets streak toward us. Vehicles approach from in front and behind. Shouts from Ethel and Kate and Chloe. The rocket strikes the rental car in an explosion that sends us flying, only suddenly we’re standing by the car again with the rocket on its approach.

Over and over the rocket strikes and I’m not able to change it. Each attempt erodes something in me until finally whatever acted as a restraint crumbles before the anger. And the rocket flies no more. In a blink, the rocket, its carrier, the vehicles are all gone.

My eyes try to focus on Chloe, but she’s turned her back on me and walks back to Kate. “W-what… happened to Lynn?”

Neither of them answer me.

“What happened to Lynn!” Even my scream they ignore.

Kate looks at me with such pain that I look away. Her look lashes my heart with a heaviness and stabbing that I deserve. Even though I don’t know what happened, I know I’m the reason neither Lynn nor Ethel are present.

“D-did I… did I…” I can’t bring myself to say the words and break down.

_I am a weapon. Fit for only one purpose._

“You killed them.” Kate’s words are so hollow, yet filled with such pain that I cry out. “No!”

“You should… you should go away,” Chloe spits. “You aren’t welcome here anymore!”

“No.”

“Go, Max!

“Chloe.” I choke on her name as the enormity of what she said sinks in.

The bare landscape fades into darkness. Warm skin presses against mine as my chest struggles to breathe in the face of utter rejection. It takes a few moments before I realize that I’m tangled with Victoria on our couch.

It’s her skin that lays against mine; a contact to this reality that stabilizes me. Heat flushes me, from both her and myself. My cheeks and ears burn, but not with the fire and passion and love for my wife. Rather it’s with shame and confusion and embarrassment and loathing.

The voice still echoes faintly in my mind. “Initiating failsafe procedures.” _What the hell was that?_ But the question is swept aside by the episode that followed.

We lay tangled on the couch, her hand on my breast. Her fingers move lightly. _Does she dream? Or does she hope to wake me?_

Whatever the reason, I can’t lay here. Even though I hunger for her touch, her closeness, troubled thoughts weigh on my heart and her very touch draws shame.

I gently pull the throw blanket off the back of the couch onto us. If she is asleep, I don’t want to disturb her. Her sleep is peaceful, which she deserves. Carefully, I slide out of her arms. She peeks at me with one of her bright green eyes. “You coming back soon,” she pouts sleepily. “I want to love you some more.”

“Yeah… just gotta use the bathroom,” I say as I stand. Without her heat I’m cold and I grab another blanket and wrap it around me. Our clothes lay strewn about the floor where we tossed them. Once I’m in the bathroom, I stare at myself in the mirror.

_Two episodes so close together. That hasn’t happened in ages. Is my medicine no longer working?_

My reflection stares at me, a blue-eyed girl whose pupils are so large the blue of her irises are barely visible. Her skin is still flushed below her neck, evidence of the time with Victoria. Well that and the teeth marks. _I’ll need to wear a collared shirt for a few days._

The bathroom around her shimmers in the reflection and her eyes widen. My hand rises to touch the mirror. Instead of hard glass, it’s soft and yields to my touch.

The light goes out leaving me in darkness. A chill runs through me that the blanket can’t protect me from. Only… I’m no longer wearing the blanket!

“You didn’t have to let me die.” The voice comes from behind me. When I turn, I can’t see her, or anything.

“Chloe?” My voice reflects the fear and pain her words spark in me, quavering and weak.

“You could have found another way.” Her voice is again behind me and I spin, but no one is there!

“Not again,” I whisper. Fingers begin tracing the faint scars on my wrist.

“Always,” she hisses. “You were the master of time and you threw it away!”

“No… no I didn’t. I saved everyone, like we agreed to.”

“You didn’t save me!”

My heart stops at her words and I gasp. Nails dig into my wrist, deep and hard.

“You didn’t even try!”

“I-”

“You abandoned me, Max! Left me to my grief and depression and didn’t even try!”

Each word hits me like a blow and I stumble backwards. _It’s true. Everything she says is true! I didn’t try! _Something in me withers and falls away. “I tried!” The protest is weak and worthless and she knows it.

“So now ‘everyone’ is saved. Everyone but your BFF. Some fucking lie that is! Oooh, let’s try writing letters! Did you even try that? Try going back and leaving a note for your thirteen year old self? Tell her to contact me? Anything?”

She’s right. I didn’t try. And now it’s too late because I no longer can. Her words cut to the truth of who and what I am, damning me like I deserve. Tears run down my face as I whisper, “No.”

“No.” That single word carries more weight, more pain than any word has a right to. _I didn’t try._

“Don’t speak to me of love and friendship when you can’t even show you care!”

I claw at my wrist harder. _I didn’t try! What use was my power if I did’t even try to help her!_

Pain flares in my wrist but I don’t stop.

“It’s too late,” she hisses.

“No,” I beg. “I’ll find a way! I’ll figure something out!”

“How? You can’t rewind any more. Useless.” She’s spitting the words now, each one driving a spike through my heart. “Like your use of that power!”

Light flares around me and a voice cries in horror, “Max, no!”

The fingers of my left hand are smeared with blood where they dug into my right wrist. Blood streams from my arm into a pool on the floor.

“I-I’m useless,” I stammer. “I didn’t try! I didn’t try!”

“Yes, you did,” Vic whispers as she pulls my hand away. She wraps my injured arm in the blanket and helps me sit against the wall.

I’m alone again. My left hand hangs in the air and I watch blood drip from my fingers. Each drop a reminder that I didn’t try. _I didn’t try!_

“I’ve called the paramedics,” Vic says as her arm goes around my shoulders. “Can you stand?”

“I didn’t try.”

There’s a pause before she asks, “Didn’t try… to stand?”

“I didn’t try to save her. I was supposed to save everyone. That’s what we agreed to! That was the plan! But I never tried to save her!”

There’s another pause. “Ok, on the count of three, let’s try standing. 1, 2, 3.” She lifts me under my arms and I comply. We shuffle step from the bathroom, my eyes fixated on the blood slowly dripping from my fingers. Each drop a blow beyond reckoning. Each drop further solidifies how worthless I am.

My arm demands attention. There’s an itch or pain or something in it that has to be removed! It isn’t right! My left hand begs me to let it attend to its task.

“Let’s sit and wait for the EMTs here.” I’m lowered to a hard surface. My left hand moves toward my right. “No,” she gently says and grabs my unharmed wrist.

Everything is slow and blurry. The blanket around my wrist is dark with blood. She holds her hand tight around my wrists while she whispers in my ear. I don’t hear what she says.

“I have to find a way to save her.”

My sight fixates on the blood.

Blood drips from my fingers.

Blood drips from the hole in her head.

Blood drips from the hole in her chest.

Blood drips.

Drips.

Drips.

Drips.

_I didn’t try._

“Do you hate me,” I ask her.

“Hate you for what,” Kate replies, confused.

“For killing everyone. Your parents. Your friends. Your sister.”

“Yes. Yes I do.”

Her admission shocks me. “Then… why did you pretend so long? Pretend to be my friend?”

“Oh, Max,” She laughs, “I wasn’t pretending to be your friend. I’m Chloe’s friend. I was pretending for her. She means more to me than you ever will.”

“That does’t make sense.”

Blood on a porch. Kate huddled over a lifeless body.

“You gave everything for her except the one thing she wanted. What’s the use of your power when you only use it to hurt?”

“Max!” Victoria’s voice draws me back from wherever I was. “I’m letting the paramedics in now.”

She leaves my side and I tear the blanket off my wrist. _I couldn’t save anyone!_ My fingers attack my wrist. _So fucking useless!_

“Are you mad at yourself”

“Yes. I am.”

“Good. You should be.”

“Do you hate yourself?”

“Yes.”

“Finally, you got something right!”

A pressure across my arms prevent me from moving them, though I try and strain against it. The EMTs work on my wrist, cleaning and binding it. Fire burns within the skin, traveling up my arm and I strain again. I cry and beg and plead for release, that this time I’d do the right thing!

My left hand tries again to fulfill its mission but it’s securely bound to me. The EMTs speak with Victoria but their words are nonsense. _I have to do it! I can’t do anything right!_

“Why didn’t you try to bring back my parents or my sister?”

“I… I don’t know. They… were long dead by the time I learned I could.”

“Did you try? Did you even think about it?”

“…”

“Why do you hate me and Kate?”

“I don’t hate you!”

“You didn’t try to give us what we needed more than anything.”

“Max, we… I…” Victoria looks away. She’s knelt in front of me. I sit on our couch where not long ago we made love. My right hand is bandaged and bound to me. My left hand aches to tear at it but I restrain it. For now.

I look into Vic’s green eyes and see pain and more. It cancels the desire to hurt and my hand reaches to touch her. _Let me be able to heal her, please!_

She shakes her head and looks to the side. My hand drops to the couch where it twitches, conflicted between a need to touch her, and a need to rend my other hand. _Worthless._

“You… broke my heart, Max,” Vic whispers. Her eyes won’t meet mine. _Why won’t she look at me? How did I break her heart?_ “I… found this in your stuff.” In her hand she holds my most treasured possession. The one thing I couldn’t leave at Chloe’s grave.

I look at the picture of Chloe and I in bed together. It was the morning after we swam in the Blackwell pool. The picture she photobombed. The morning she dared me to kiss her. She’s so happy in the photo I couldn’t bear to part with it.

A stranger watches me, shrouded in darkness. There’s a sense of urgency about them. I don’t know how or why I know, but I do. The stranger is trying to reach me, but I can’t let them!

“Five years,” Vic whispers. She turns the photo to look at it. “Five fucking years I gave you. I stand by you and walk you back from the edge so many times and you can’t stay the fuck away from it!”

Her eyes seek out mine and they swirl with something I’ve never seen and it scares me. “You’ll never be free of her, will you? No matter what I do, I’ll always be second in your heart after her! When I found this it hurt so much, but I told myself we’d discuss it. That’s what we do: we talk out our feelings and thoughts to have common understanding.

“Until you moaned her name tonight while I went down on you! That… that told me more than words alone could. That… that fucking hurt!” She looks again at the photo while my heart thuds dully in my chest. Words won’t come. Hers took them all away.

“Do you know how much that hurts me? That no matter how much of myself I give to you, how much I support you and do for you, that I’m always second to that dead bitch! You could at least be more subtle about it! Keep that stupid necklace or the fucking butterfly picture, not the one where you celebrate your night together!”

Her words shred my heart. _Five years, through thick and thin and I had to go and ruin it._ I open my mouth. _I have to say something! Apologize! Anything! _But I know she won’t listen. By her eyes alone, I know I’ve hurt her in a way that’s not recoverable. Her hand slaps me. It’s not hard, barely a sting. But the blow to my heart is harder than anything I’ve ever felt.

“She’s destabilizing!” The voice is harsh and metallic and doesn’t fit her.

Victoria glances to the side, tears streaming down her face. “I don’t know what I ever saw in you,” she hisses. “You’re weak and only concerned about yourself.”

Her voice turns into a babyish mocking version of mine. “Part of me is still there, love! I can’t help it!” She looks at me and sneers. “A fucking child is what you are.”

She pushes her face into mine and growls, “well how about for once you’re fucking all here! Where I need you! You aren’t the only one hanging by a thread, Max! Is it too much to ask? That you be fully present? Especially when we’re fucking! Fucking moaning her name - HER NAME when I went down on you earlier!”

Her face is a wreck of emotions, a pain deep and lasting that I put there. Worse than anything I’ve ever seen from her parents. _I’m a monster._

Words tumble from my lips, a feeble attempt to apologize and make things right. There’s no way to make this right. There’s no way to make sense of it. Which is just as well because all I spout is nonsense.

“What did I ever see in you?”

“Don’t say that,” I beg.

“We need to get in there now!” The voice grates at my senses.

“You disgust me! Get out of my house!” She looks around and sneers, “I want a divorce.”

“No.” My whispered word is ignored as she stands and walks to the kitchen. I can’t move, like my butt is glued to the couch. My world crumbles around me and there is nothing I can do about it.

“This is what, the third or fourth time you’ve tried to remove your hand?” she asks as she yanks open a drawer and digs around in it. “Let’s make this the last time.” She finds what she’s looking for and slams the drawer closed. She walks back to me, her feet on the invisible catwalk, one hand behind her back.

In one motion, she rips my right arm away from my body! I shudder and yell in pain and almost blackout. Her other hand raises high above her head as she pins my arm to the couch.

“Say goodbye to your hand, Max!”

I scream as her hand comes down with great force, a wicked knife flashing in the light! Shock and fear freeze me and I’m helpless, oh lord I’m helpless as the knife slashes toward my hand! _No, don’t! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I won’t do it again! _My sight is so blurry and my mouth babbles worthless sounds as I beg her not to do this! My legs kick and I wriggle but I can’t break free! A cruel laugh explodes from Victoria. “You thought I would actually do that? Cut off your hand? What a fucking loser.”

The knife is stabbed into the couch, barely a finger’s breadth away from my wrist!

She leans close to my ear and whispers. “Are you in pain yet, Max? It’s not nearly close to the pain you’ve brought to me and others.” It’s hard to hear her words over the pounding of my heart. Sweat has soaked my clothes and I’m shivering. “Save everyone,” she mocks me, “can’t even save yourself! Why try?”

Her face is in mine now, her pain pushing at me and stealing my breath. “You broke my heart, Max,” she cries, “I want you out of my house. Now.” She falls back on her heels, crying freely. When I don’t move, she repeats herself. “Get out.”

I try to move, I really do, but I can’t. Five years gone, dashed to pieces because… because I couldn’t let go. Because I make bad decisions. Because I couldn’t even use a rewind power properly.

“I said GET OUT,” she screams and leaps to her feet. She grabs my good arm and roughly pulls me to my feet. Now I do make an intelligible sound as I cry in agony from her treatment. 

“No. No. No.” I repeat the word over and over even though I know it won’t be of use. Terror has me in its icy grip and nothing makes sense. Everything is pounding and crying and heaviness.

She hauls me to the door of our apartment, opens it, and thrusts me outside. “Goodbye!” She slams the door.

My eyes look at the door, its plain beige color offers no insight, no wisdom. Nothing can quite match the pain of heart caused by my wife’s rejection of me. And knowing I caused her unimaginable pain. A pain she didn’t deserve.

“I don’t care how you get me in there!” I jerk as the words hit me, but really they are a dullness that fades before the torment I caused. My life, my past and future, gone in one horrible event.

When my sight clears, I’m laying on a soft lawn. My chest heaves from terror and simply trying to breathe. Pain is all I feel and my heart is all I hear.

A hand grips my chin and forces my head up. “Well, well, well,” Chloe says as she looks down at me.

Tears of sadness and pain drip onto her hand and she smiles. “Always knew that bitch was trouble,” she says. “Too bad it had to happen the way it did.”

Chloe helps me stand and I look around. We stand on the bluff in Arcadia Bay near the lighthouse. “It’s only fitting we’re here,” she says as I step close to the barrier.

“How… how are you alive,” I ask and turn to look at her. Victoria’s face twisted with betrayal and heartbreak hangs before my eyes.

She smirks and says, “Who says I am?” She steps close and raises a hand to stroke my cheek. “Oh, Max, I should never have trusted you with something so simple.”

“What?”

Her hand falls and she moves to my side and turns her attention to the bay and the town. “It’s an awesome view, isn’t it,” she says. “We used to come here as kids and play pirates. A lot of good memories here. Then after you left me, I’d still come here, because fuck it’s a peaceful place! And I needed that more than ever when I was fifteen.”

“What do you mean?! I’ve got to get in there!” The voice sends shivers through me and I cringe.

“It took me way too long to realize the truth.”

“And what truth is that, Chloe?” I hang on her words like my lifeline. Up is down and left is right and I can’t do anything but grasp at the slim hope of her words.

She straightens and looks me full on. “That you held me back. That you were an anchor dragging me to the bottom of the sea to drown. That was the best part of you leaving, I finally was able to see that!”

“W-what?”

Then she’s in my face and it’s transformed into a thing of anger and hate and I cringe. “Ooh, we’re best friends! No, we fucking weren’t. So caught up in your stupid social anxiety shit that you couldn’t give thought to a person facing real problems! I lost my dad and you lost nothing!”

“No, Chlo-” There’s a burning in my wrist and she grins as if she knows.

“Don’t you dare try to say you lost something! You can’t lose what you never had!” Tears are on her face now as she spits out the words. “If I was actually your fucking friend, why did you abandon me? Answer me that, Max? You knew I needed someone, needed a friend! You know my mom couldn’t give me the help I needed!

“And what did you do? You stayed silent for five fucking years! While I slipped closer and closer to the edge. Did you know that ‘best friend forever’? Did you know I tried killing myself, more than once? Of course not, because you were in Seattle going to fucking hockey games with your dad. And my dad was in the ground!”

Her words come fast and furious. They drive me backwards and she follows me. My wrist demands attention and I start tearing at the bandages that aren’t there. She speaks over my words, not giving me a chance to apologize or explain or beg foregivenes. _As if I could. It’s true. All of it!_

“And when you finally had a chance to make it up to me, what do you do? You throw the chance away! You did’t even try to save me, let alone Rachel. What do you think ‘save everyone’ means, Max? It means everyone, not just those fuckers at your school! Not just the bitch you could get in the sack.

“I should have left your scrawny ass in the parking lot for Nathan to beat up!” She steps into my space and the emotions rolling off her stifles me and I can’t breathe. 

“Chloe-” My throat is so tight it hurts and my insides want to be outside. The pain she heaps on me are like coals, burning through my defenses and striking where it hurts the most. I struggle to breathe, to gain control of the emotions and negative thoughts tearing me up. “Please, don’t,” I beg.

“I. Hate. You.” I flinch from the anger in her voice. Her fingers trace the garment I wear, or I think it does because I don’t feel her touch. “Was that your plan all along? Get me to die so you could move on with a clean conscience? Jeffershit’s got nothing on you, Max. I hope I never see you again! Oh wait, that wish is already fulfilled.”

With a sudden move, she shoves me against the barrier. “I’ll never have to see you again! That power was wasted on you!”

“Get me in there now!”

And then I’m falling and I can barely see because the emotional blow she delt me took my sight with tears. I pray the fall takes my life. 

“Try harder!”

“Max?”

A soft voice, one I recognize. I try to move but can’t. Nothing holds me, my body just doesn’t want to cooperate. My mind is shutting down, clothing my existence with a numbness to keep the despair at bay.

“I still hate you.”

My mouth moves, but no words come out. They aren’t necessary. I know why Kate hates me.

“Do you know how much a gem Chloe is? Of course not, because you never stopped to give her what she needs.”

Kate steps into my sight. She hugs herself tight and won’t look at my face. “I-,” I try to protest, but she interrupts me.

“You left her!”

Acid burns the back of my throat at the hateful way she accuses me. “I-I didn’t leave her!”

“Really, Max? Denial? I thought you were better than that. But you’re not.”

Kate tears and distorts and again strange voices assault me.

“I need to get in there!”

Then Kate reforms and she steps close to me. Her arms hang loose at her sides now, but her eyes, oh my her eyes! They burn with a fell light!

“Chloe’s such a physical person, always quick to show and do things. People miss the fact that she’s very emotional. But I don’t.”

She’s in my space now and I try to protest, but my tongue won’t work. My legs won’t work either. All I can do is turn my face to avoid her look.

“That’s what she needs more than anything: someone to accept and share her emotions.”

“Kate,” I finally manage to croak but she ignores me.

“And that’s something I can do… better than you ever could. And I won’t leave her when she needs a friend the most!”

Her hand touches my cheek and strokes it softly. I flinch, but I can’t get away. “I’m not a violent person,” she whispers. “You know that. But you… you make me think things I shouldn’t. You make me want to… do things! Horrible things.”

She shifts closer. My body remains an unresponsive mess. Her body now presses against mine in ways both familiar and unwelcome.

“You killed my parents.” She kisses my cheek. “My friends.” Another kiss. “My sister.” She kisses my lips and traces a finger along my jaw. “Murderer.” She’s whispering in a strange, deep voice. “Killer.”

“You know what they would do with someone like you in the time of Jesus?” Her hand cups my cheek, gently turning my face to look at her. “They’d stone you.” She plants several kisses on my face, tender and warm like a lover might. And my body does nothing. It won’t respond to my desire to move at all.

“Do you know what that is,” she asks and now her voice is throaty, husky. “Stoning? They’d take you outside of town, pick up big rocks, and throw them at you until you died.” Her words don’t match what she’s doing. Her fingers run through my hair and bring my head close for another kiss. It’s chaste like all the others, but she closes her eyes and sighs deeply into it. Her words, her touch, her actions all leave me in a daze.

When she breaks away, her face is flushed and confusion mixes with all the other thoughts ruining my mind. “Right now I wish we lived in those times,” she whispers in my ear. “I could explain my desire to hurt you. But we don’t. And… I can’t.

“How are you feeling right now, Max?” There’s a tenderness in her voice I don’t understand. “Confused? Scared? Pained? Wondering if I’ll help you, since I’m a gentle person? Wondering why I’m showing you such affection?”

She leans close and licks my earlobe. “I want you to know what it feels like,” she whispers. Her hands return to my hair, sliding through it lightly. Then her fingers are on my back and she pulls me tight against her. Her warmth seeps into me in a way I normally like, but I’m too disoriented to know what I like. Then her fingers are dancing along my back.

“I want you to know,” she says as she kisses my mouth again, “what it feels like for someone you trust and respect and even love…”

I’m a mass of confusion as her fingers and hands and mouth and tongue do things to me.

“What it feels like,” she purrs, “for that person to betray you.”

Her face twists into a grimace and she pulls away. My skin prickles with the emotions coming off her, but the numbness holds them at bay. She steps away and glares at me.

“Some friend you are. Killing my parents, my sister, all my friends. You care about nothing and no one but yourself. Jesus said we should treat others like we want to be treated. What do those words say about you?” Her voice is no longer tender and loving, but filled with vitriol and hate.

When I’m silent, she makes a frustrated sound. “I demand an answer from my parent’s murderer!”

Words won’t come and even if they did, no voice exists in me to speak them. She spits on me and steps away. “I’m through with you, Max! I thought you were my friend and you betrayed me. I never want to see you again!”

She glances at the bed, then back at me. “You know, I’m finally at a point where I’m ready to take the next step with Chloe. To have sex with her.” A childish giggle escapes her when she says that, and she tries to hide her smile behind her hand. Bright pink fills her cheeks.

“It took a long time for me to be comfortable with that, making love with another woman. It goes against everything my parents taught me. But I can’t help who I love and denying it means hurting myself. A tiny part of me thought that a fitting end for you, the casting out of our group, by making you watch. But you know me.”

The nervous giggle returns, higher-pitched than before. “I’m much too shy and proper for that. Besides… you don’t deserve to see her again. You don’t deserve to see her happy, a happiness I bring her! Think about this then: when you’re gone, I’ll be here showing Chloe the love she deserves. I’ll take care of her in a way you never would.

“Goodbye Max. I never want to see you again.”

My heart is a stone. Why? Why is this happening? Victoria. Chloe. Kate. All hate me. I failed them, more than once.

Kate turns and walks to the bed. The flutter of her blouse as it falls to the floor captures my attention. When I look up again, black spots block my view of her. The spots are ringed with colors that melt and flow into each other. The entire scene swirls into a confusing mixture of colors.

Bright white light shines right into my eyes and I blink. I try to raise my arm to block the view, but nothing happens. A bright round object blocks part of the light and what sounds like distant voices fills the air.

The voices are pushed aside by an incessant ringing that fills my ears. I close my eyes tight. Kate. Victoria. Chloe. I failed all of them. I couldn’t or wouldn’t do what they needed most. _I get it. I can’t use my power without failing someone. All I do is fail them. How do I make things right with them?_

An icy hand squeezes my heart as I think about them, and how we parted. Each scene replays in my mind. _I will do what it takes to make things right with them!_

“Max.”

The metallic voice grinds in my ears and I flinch. And again my body won’t respond when I try to cover my ears.

“Max, please!”

The bright light blinds me again when I open my eyes. At least my neck works, allowing me to turn my head away from the light. Right now all I want to see is one of them, figure out how to heal the wounds I gave them. _As if I’m worth it! Not for me though. They deserve everything. Not me._

After a few blinks, my sight clears a little. I’m laying on my back and surrounded by people. They are clad all in black, shiny, angular outfits with no other color visible. Terror stabs me as I realize they surround me, I’m on my back, and can’t move!

“It’s ok, Max.” The voice says again.

“W-who are you?” Those few words scratch through my throat and I cough.

“Move the light so she can see.” Another voice similar to the first with the same horrid grating sound.

The light dims and I turn my head. But all I see are more of the black-suited people. No, there’s something else. Tubes and wires run from me up a pole. _Am I in a hospital?_

“Damn,” one of them says. “I forgot…” There’s a faint hissing sound the outfit on the nearest person starts moving!

It shifts and turns like fluid, but doesn’t observe the law of gravity as it actually runs up the person. There’s a flash of blue and then more. Short cropped hair dyed blue becomes visible as the black stuff runs from the top of the head. Then an eye, a brilliant blue eye that shines with emotions that I can only imagine.

Even though the face is mostly obscured by the shifting black stuff, I recognize her. I will always recognize her. How my heart aches and pounds for the hurt I visited upon her!

I want to touch her. I need to touch her!

But I can’t. My touch, my presence, will only bring bad things.

“Max,” Chloe whispers. A tear runs down her cheek to fall through the air. A silver jewel that refracts the light for a brief moment. “You’re safe now! We’ve found you! I found you.”

Memories crowd my mind: Chloe on the bluff telling me I held her back; dragged her down. In my bathroom berating me for not saving everyone, for letting her die. _I hurt her so much! She deserved so much better. She deserved someone that would use the power right._

A finger touches my cheek, wiping below my eye. When it comes away I see it glisten in the white light. I swallow hard and whisper, “I’m sorry, Chloe. I’ll make things better for you. I promise!”

She gazes down at me, her face twisted in great sadness. “There’s nothing to apologize for,” she chokes.

“I didn’t save everyone! I will! I can-“

“That,” she sobs and caresses my cheek. I move my face away. She shouldn’t touch me. “That wasn’t real. All those things you saw and went through? You’ve been locked in a simulation for five years! Everything you saw wasn’t real!”

Her hand cups my cheek. “But I’m real.” And there’s so much emotion that her voice chokes and I risk a look at her.

“You only have one eye,” I whisper. “I… I did that to you?”

Her head shakes vigorously and she clasps my hand between hers. “No, Max. No. You didn’t do anything to me, except save me. And now I’m saving you.” She nods to the others around us, people I forgot were even there.

She kisses my hand, right next to the tape that holds a tube connected to its back. “You’re safe now,” she says throatily. “I’m taking you home.”


	18. Base

“Ma’am, we need to go.” I wince as the person’s voice grates in my ears.

“Sorry,” Chloe says as her thumb rubs my hand. _I… can’t really feel that._ “You’ll kind of get used to that eventually.” She looks at one of the people. “Is it safe to transport her.”

“Yes, Captain. It will be rough between here and the transport. I recommend sedating her.”

_Captain?_

Chloe seems to consider that before turning her gaze on me. “What do you say, Max? There’ll be a lot of fighting between here and the transport. Do you want to be awake or sleep through it?”

It doesn’t require any time for me to make a decision. _If I sleep, maybe I’ll wake up back with Tori! “_Put me to sleep,” I say eagerly.

Chloe nods and one of the people sets a box on the bed next to me. They open it and within moments have a syringe ready to inject. “This will pinch,” the person says, “and it will take a few seconds to take hold.” Their featureless eyes, or where their eyes would be, look at me.

“Do it.”

There is a pinch, and then a burning as the liquid is injected into me.

“You get to take the easy way home,” Chloe tells me as she sits on the bed. “You’ll go to sleep and wake up there. The rest of us-“ she gestures at the people around us. “-we’ll have to carry your scrawny ass and bed all the way. So have great dreams, because when you awa-“

* * *

Everywhere there is warmth and softness. It seeps into me, chasing away the coldness and dire thoughts that fill me. Along with the warmth comes a faint scent, one of home and friendship and love. _Victoria!_

With a contented sigh, I stretch my legs. The softness brushes my toes as they curl in my stretch. _The bed feels so good right now! I want to stay here all day!_

Then the other thoughts intrude. The burning in my wrist. The shame and guilt. The knife. _If I’m in our apartment, does that mean we’re ok? Did we talk and make up and I forgot? Or maybe it never happened? Maybe it was another episode but… freaky and hateful and hurtful. Maybe I should talk to Doc Hamilton._

Plain off-white walls greet my eyes when they open, not the art and pictured covered walls of our apartment. The ceiling above me is also plain, with unfamiliar lights that are off. I move to sit up, but can’t. A weakness holds me in a tight grip.

I can move my head though. I’m not on our futon. I’m in a hospital bed. Tubes and wires run along the side and up a pole. Now I can hear their faint beeping.

A wheeled tray is to the left, between the bed and the wall. A few feet from the tray is a door. To my right is a strange chair, table, and dresser. Curtains hang on the right wall, possibly hiding a window. If there’s anything or anyone behind me, I don’t know. I can’t get my head to tilt that far.

_Where am I?_

While I ponder that question, the door opens and someone dressed in black enters. Except her head, that’s not covered. A rush of images and sounds floods my mind as she looks at me. It’s not Chloe, this woman has brown hair.

“Fuck,” she exclaims. “You’re awake! Shit. The Captain’s gonna be pissed that no one was here when you woke up.”

She closes the door quietly and steps to my side. “Lt. Ashely, ma’am,” she says smartly. “I’ll send for the Captain at once!”

Before I can do or say anything, she ducks out the door. I’m still trying to grasp her name, and what happened, when she returns. Once she closes the door again, she steps to the foot of my bed and stares at me.

The intense gaze makes me squirm and I look away after a few seconds. A scraping sound causes me to look back. She dragged a chair to the bedside and is sitting in it. “Max Caulfield,” she breathes. “I thought you were gone forever.” She frowns after saying that then clears her throat.

“Before the Captain… Chloe arrives,” she says at a normal volume, “there are things you need to know. She is the best here at what she does, though she won’t admit it or accept praise for it. Her company and I will die for her and won’t let anything happen to her. That includes letting anything distract her from what she needs to do.

“And you…” her eyes drop to her hands during her silence. “You could be a distraction… already are a distraction.”

I’m struggling to understand what she’s telling me. _I’m a distraction for Chloe? I… I don’t even know this Chloe… I think._

When it seems like she won’t say anything more, I speak up. “Are you… like her girlfriend or something?” It’s the only thing that kind of makes sense to me. Maybe.

The question captures her attention in a surprising way. Her eyes flash as she looks at me and her face hardens. “No, I’m not,” she says coldly. “Fucking someone in your command is a great way to get shit-canned here in the worst possible way. I won’t risk that. But I-“ The door opens at that moment and she stops talking. Not only that, but her entire body relaxes and she looks more like a woman having a friendly conversation than delivering hard words. _What is up with her?_

Chloe steps into the room. The black covers her from foot to neck. After she closes the door, she faces me and her entire demeanor lights up. Lt. Ashley stands and delivers a crisp salute. “Captain,” she says.

Chloe returns her salute and says, “Thanks, Ash, that means a lot. Dismissed, and go check on squad A. They are having problems getting one of the ATVs functioning for tomorrow’s run.”

“Yes, ma’am.” The Lieutenant salutes again then leaves without so much as a look toward me.

For a while after she leaves, Chloe stares at the door. When she finally does face me, that bright smile is on her face.

It makes me think of my wife and my heart sinks.

When Chloe makes no attempt to speak or move, I finally say, “Hi.”

“Hi.”

More silence and her smile fades a little. “Have a seat,” I say and attempt to wave at the chair the Lieutenant vacated. Except my arm barely moves when I do that. While I stare at my arm wondering what’s wrong, she seats herself.

“You’ll… uh be weak for a while,” she says. “At least that’s what the doctors tell me.”

Last time she saw me, she was so excited and pleased. Now? She’s distant and hesitant.

“Over the years,” she whispers, “I thought of this conversation so many times. What I would say to you. How you’d reply. At the end, we’d be friends and…”

When she doesn’t complete her thought, I wonder at the missing words.

“But now you’re here, and I realize…” she looks at me, her grin small but more… intimate. “Most of the things I thought were important, aren’t. What’s important is you’re here, safe, and no longer trapped in that research facility.”

“Research facility?”

She nods. “You… you were there for five years.” Her hands clench and unclench, like one of my habits. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

“The last thing I remember? I… had a series of… nightmares? Where-“

I’m interrupted by a curse from her. “No,” she says. “That… that’s the simulation. What’s the last thing you remember from here. From before?”

“From before?” I’m really confused by her question. Right now, I’m very certain I’m having one of my episodes again. Or my mind is playing a cruel trick by making me believe Chloe’s still alive.

“Before you entered that research facility. The last time I saw you…” She turns aside with a whispered ‘fuck’. After a moment, she turns back and rests a hand on the blanket over mine.

“The last time I saw you was when I dropped you off at Blackwell for class. You… kissed me goodbye, climbed out of my truck, shut the door and waved at me. Then you climbed the steps wiggling your ass in that way that drives me crazy. You gave me one more wave, then turned and walked toward the school. When I came by later to pick you up, you weren’t there. No one at school had seen you all day. You just… vanished.”

Emotions pass swiftly over her face as she speaks, but only a few register for me. Love, desire, and despair. And none of her words make sense. They don’t match any of my memories. As far as I can tell, I’m married to Victoria Chase and haven’t been to Blackwell since the reunion a couple of days ago.

Before I can ask any questions, or say anything, she wipes her face and says, “And here I am undoing what I said. I don’t need to know what you remember. You’re safe. You’re here. And you’ll be taken care of.”

_Taken care of? That sounds ominous. She probably doesn’t mean it that way._

“And, I’m doing all the talking, I’m sorry Max. I’m sure you have lots of questions.”

The weight of her hand on mine gives me my first one. “Why can’t I move?”

She gives a short laugh that sounds forced. “You will in time. We found you in a stasis field. Your muscles have atrophied. Soon you’ll start physical therapy. We’ll get you walking again in no time!”

“Is… is my wife here?”

A mask falls over her face at that question. “Wife?”

“Victoria.”

She looks away, but doesn’t move her hand. “You aren’t! Fuck!” She stands and paces away from the bed. “Fooling myself. I’m fooling myself,” I hear her mutter.

“How are you fooling yourself?”

The question stops her in mid-stride and she looks at me with flat eyes. “Believing that once I found you everything would go back to the way it was. But of course it fucking can’t because the world burned while you were gone! There is no going back for it… or for us.”

“Chloe.” Through my confusion, I summon the feelings that coursed through me at her grave and pour it into her name. She notices and her face softens. A soft glow appears in her eye.

“Assuming for the moment what you say is true and that was a simulation, to me it wasn’t. To me…” and now I choke up and look away. The wall is such a drab, plain color but right now it is the most interesting thing I’ve ever seen. “You died five years ago to save Arcadia Bay and all its people. That’s what I lived. I barely functioned without you.” A memory of an insatiable itch returns to my right wrist. Thankfully, I’m too weak to act on it.

“Without Victoria, I would have killed myself. And now… I find myself in a place I don’t know, with a person I thought dead! A person… I-“ My throat tightens quickly, cutting off my words. It takes several swallows before I can speak again.

“And in my world, I kept experiencing hallucinations or episodes or fuck knows what! Where I’d be in a different place, a different world, and everything would be different. Only at a random time I’d return to my reality where you were dead and I wasn’t and you ask me to believe this world is real? That I’m not going to blink and find myself in bed with Victoria and all this is a lie and I’m a lie?”

I know I’m rambling. Too many emotions I can’t handle rush through me and jumble my thoughts and words. Whatever nonsense I’m spitting out, it appears to have an effect. Chloe returns to her seat while I speak and takes my hand. This time, though, she moves the blanket aside to touch me directly. It’s the feel of her skin on mine that finally brings my word deluge to an end.

Her touch. I’ve wanted it for five long fucking years.

And now I’m betraying my love and feelings for Victoria.

And now I am revealing how shallow I am, because my heart has always belonged to Chloe.

Sometime while we spoke, the black stuff disappeared from the rest of her, leaving only a blue tight-fitting body suit. She looks like she was preparing to dive into the sea.

“I have a question,” she asks thickly. When I nod, she continues. “These delusions or episodes you mentioned. When you were in them, did you know they were a… hallucination?”

The question jumbles all my thoughts and scatters them. _No… I didn’t._ Before I can say that aloud, the door opens and two people enter. Like everyone I’ve seen, they wear that black suit. “C.O. Wants you Captain,” one of them says in that grating voice.

“Tell him I’m busy,” Chloe says without looking at them.

“We’ve orders to drag you there if necessary.” One of them shifts their stance and holds a device that looks like a blaster from a sci-fi movie.

Chloe growls, stands, and turns. As she does, black stuff flows from a box in the small of her back. It flows over her, and a moment later she’s encased in it. “Tell him I’m coming.”

She steps toward them, then looks at me. “I won’t be long.” Then they’re gone and the door shuts with a soft snick.

I am alone. I can’t move. Only the quiet beeps of hospital equipment keeps me company. Physically at least, because now my mind is awhirl with the question Chloe asked. I hate what it implies, that everything I believed to be real, to be my life is a fucking lie. Anger swells within me, paired with an utter sense of loss.

Change is a constant and I hate it. I have no control over what’s happening. Nothing is real. It’s all temporary and can be upended at any moment.

The door opens and in steps a tall woman dressed in purple scrubs. In one hand she carries a small case. The other she uses to close the door. She steps to the bed and sets the case near my feet. “Hello. Are you my doctor?”

She doesn’t answer, though she does glance at me. A mask obscures her face. All I can see are her brilliant blue eyes. She opens the case and does something. From my angle, I can’t see what.

“Hello?”

At my greeting, her shoulders slump and they look at me. “I’m sorry, Max,” she whispers. Her voice sounds familiar and I wrack my brain seeking a match. “You… should know that all the people you love and care about are fine. I… Another alignment is coming and I need you walking before it happens.”

She holds up a syringe and squirts a little liquid from it. “Chloe didn’t leave your side all week until her C.O. forced her to.” Her other hand roams up my side as if seeking something. It stops at my hip and she looks at me. “She loves you so much. Now, this is gonna hurt like hell. Not the injection…” she moves the blanket and sheet aside. I can’t do anything. When I try to speak, to say anything, my throat and mouth are so dry nothing happens!

A sharp pain briefly flares in my side as she sticks the needle in me. “I… know you’ll likely hate me,” she whispers. “I… hate the role I have to play. Just… after all the weirdness… please try to listen to me? Seek understanding before judgement.”

Her voice finally clicks for me as she puts the syringe away and replaces my covers. _Lynn! _Fire burns in my left hip and spreads up my side and down my leg. She closes the case, then takes a device and places it in my hand. “Push this when it gets too bad.”

She pats my hand and picks up the case. I watch Lynn open the door and disappear. Fire flicks along each blood vessel, racing through my body. When it reaches my head, my entire body goes stiff as the pain removes most of my control. Before the welcoming embrace of unconsciousness, with the last bit of will I can muster, I press the button Lynn placed in my hand.

* * *

Light burns through my eyelids and I turn my head. There’s a warmth pressed against my hand, soft and moving. I open my eyes to find a mop of blue hair in front of my face. Chloe has her head on her arm, on the bed. The burning I felt earlier is gone.

As far as I can tell I’m in the same place, laying in the same bed. I move to touch Chloe and am surprised when my hand actually lifts and moves to her head! For a moment I look at it in midair, amazed that it obeyed my desire.

Then I touch her hair and its the most magical thing ever. She stirs at my touch and lifts her head. A sleep blurred eye blinks at me, then a smile slowly spreads across her face.

“You’re awake,” she says with a cough.

“I’m awake.”

“And you can move!”

“Kind of. It hurts and my arm feels like it will fall off.”

“But you can move.”

I let my arm rest on the bed. It slipped from her head when she raised it. Now my fingers rest on her arm, clad in that blue body suit.

“What’s going on,” I finally manage to say. “Everything is so weird. When Lynn came in-“

“Lynn? Lynn Marsh,” Chloe interrupts with a hard tone.

“Yes, Lynn Marsh.” I answer slowly, not certain I know what’s prompting that response from her.

“What did she do?”

“She snuck into my room after you left and injected me with something.”

“Fucking hell. That answers that question.”

“What question?”

She looks at me sidelong, then lets her gaze drift down. Fingers touch mine and that small smile returns to her face. “Sorry,” she says, her voice deep and raspy. Her blue eye returns to my face. “It’s been so long… I… being able to touch you again is still so new and exciting and… distracting.”

After clearing her throat, she says, “Turns out my C.O. didn’t want me. By the time I got back, you were already passed out. The docs found an experimental drug in your system, but there was nothing they could do. So it was sit around and wait for you to wake up. Now that I know Corporal Marsh is the one that did it, I need to find out why.”

_Corporal Marsh?_

“She said an alignment was coming and I needed to walk before then. Do you know what that means?”

She shakes her head and furrows her brow. “Not a clue. But I bet a week in the brig and possible discharge will make her talk.”

“Discharge?”

“If what you said is true, she forced an experimental drug into your system. There are several rules and policies she broke by doing that.”

_Whoa! Chloe’s a rules lawyer now?_

“Talk to her first,” I slowly say. “She said to seek understanding before judgement. I don’t know what is going on, but it seemed obvious to me she felt she had to do what she did. I’m not saying I agree with what she did…”

“No promises,” Chloe says, but her smile doesn’t return.

“Can we… talk about something else now?” Her fingers begin drawing little circles on the back of my hand.

“Sure. Like what?”

“Like the fact that I’m hella starving!”

“Hella? That’s an odd word. Haven’t heard that used since Before.”

“Before…?”

Silence greets my answer. I watch her eye follow her finger as it traces its designs on my hand. “The world has changed a lot in the last few years,” she finally whispers. “I… don’t know if going into the details right now are good. Just… know that you’ll hear a lot of people refer to the before times as Before. They mean, Before the change.”

Her one blue eye lifts to look at mine. “I will tell you, in time. Right now, I don’t know if you know or accept that you aren’t in one of those episodes you mentioned before.”

A smile lights her face then. “What I do know is I can get you some food to fix your ‘hella’ appetite!” She leans across me and presses a button attached to the side rail. “Nothing big or fancy. Soups only for you right now. Maybe with a noodle in it. You’ve been on IV food for a few weeks now. Gotta work your way to the good food.”

“How long have I-“ The door opens and a nurse in teal scrubs enters.

“Yes,” he says.

“Can we get some food for my friend?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he says. “Now that she’s awake, we’ll also need to examine her.”

“Sure thing, just don’t forget the food.”

The nurse nods and leaves. Chloe smiles at me. Before I can speak more nurses enter. They swarm my bed, separating me from Chloe. A moment of panic sets in as they begin barraging me with questions. They check the equipment, double check my heart pressure, take my temperature and more. My head whirls from it all.

Thankfully, it’s over almost as fast as it started. The door closes, letting me sit back to let my mind stop whirling. One good thing about their visit is my bed is now inclined. It’s a lot easier to examine the room sitting up.

Chloe studies me, her blue eye and black eyepatch holds my gaze. “You really are a pirate now,” I whisper.

“What?” Her head tilts to the side with the question. Slowly, I raise my hand and touch the scar on her cheek. I think she wants to flinch, wants to pull back, but she holds herself steady.

“We used to play pirates when we were kids.” The scar is a smooth ridge under my finger. The wound wasn’t clean, giving it a jagged edge, smoothed by time and healing. “Now you are one.” The eyepatch is soft yet firm to my touch. A thin strap keeps it close to her head.

It’s a very intimate touch and I didn’t ask permission. Still, she doesn’t move away as my fingers trace around the patch. They follow the strap around her head.

“Is it… is it ok?” Her words are cautious and soft.

“Why wouldn’t it be ok,” I ask in confusion.

“Max…” There is too much depth in the way she says my name for me to process. Fingers wrap around mine and gently bring them to her lips. “I… was afraid you wouldn’t like a one-eyed Chloe.” That fear is alive in her voice and it further confuses me.

“Your eye isn’t you. I’m sad you lost an eye and maybe sometime you could tell me about it. It doesn’t change how I think about you.” _How I feel about you._

Our hands rest on the bed, hers caressing mine. “What were you going to ask before all the doctors came in?”

I think for a moment. “Oh! How long was I out? I mean you sedated me to bring me here. Then the… drug. How long has it been since you… found me?”

“It’s been two weeks. We gave you too much when we sedated you, because you were too thin and it threw off the medic’s calculation. It knocked you out for a week. Then Lynn came and… well there went another week.”

Two weeks since I saw Tori. That hurts, more than I want to admit. There is a sharp pull on my heart in two different directions: one toward Victoria, the other toward Chloe. One is deeper, stronger than the other and draws me back to reality. Well, if this is reality.

The door opens and another nurse comes in with a tray. “Lunch for you, Ms. Caulfield,” he says as he sets it on the rolling tray. “We’ve got tomato soup made with vegetable broth, pureed vegetables, a spiced cashew drink, and water.”

He adjusts the tray so it’s in a convenient position over my lap. Then he moves the bed so I’m almost fully sitting up. “When you’re done, just press the button and I’ll come pick it up.” With those final words, he leaves.

Words escape me as I consider the food. I expected an animal-based meal, not this! It smells exquisite.

“I… Uh, hope it tastes good,” Chloe says.

“Is this your doing?”

“Why would you think that?”

“I’m in a hospital on what I assume is a military base. Neither of which are known for vegetarian food, let alone vegan.”

A bright grin answers my question, though she tries to hide it. “Anything for you,” she says.

I dive into the soup, then have to put the spoon back quickly as it is hot! I fan my mouth, trying to cool it down. “I thought a hospital would not try to burn me,” I say through a tongue numbed by the burn.

I try another bite, blowing on it first to cool it down. It tastes as good as it smells! Chloe’s eyes track the spoon from the bowl to my mouth, back and forth. When the bowl is about halfway empty she says, “Whenever you want to talk about what happened… in that simulation, I’m here for you. I saw part of it.”

“You did? How?”

“There was a monitor that showed what was happening. You, Victoria, everything. That… nightmare… I think we caused it when we tried to break you out of the machine you were in.”

Another bite slides down my throat, as savory as the first. One thing she said finally catches my attention. “You saw… everything? Even when Vic and I… had sex?”

She squirms and her face reddens. “Chloe Elizabeth Price!” The spoon falls from my hand as anger and embarrassment and more swell within me. “You watched my wife and I have sex!”

“Not… very much of it,” she mutters and looks away. “We were trying to get you out an-“

“We? There were more than you!” I shout. I _can’t believe this!_

_“_I ordered the rest of them out the moment Victoria carried you to the couch,” Chloe protests. “But… I couldn’t figure out how to turn off the sound.”

“There was sound too!” I am so furious right now that my appetite vanishes.

“I didn’t watch ok!” she shouts. “It hurt too much to see you with her!”

A stunned silence falls at her words and we both turn our faces away from each other. _Seeing me with Vic… hurt her?_ That’s something I hadn’t considered. There’s so much about what happened that I don’t understand. To find I was living in a simulation, and that others could observe me is strange and unsettling.

“It hurt too much,” she whispers. “I sent everyone out, but I couldn’t leave. You were… are my world, Max. When you disappeared, my life ended. And then I learn you might be alive? I got there as fast as I could, but then I couldn’t get to you.

“Separated by six inches when all I wanted to do was touch you! And then that monitor came on and I saw you living life with Victoria as if I didn’t exist? I wanted to burn the world! It hurt so much, but at the same time… To see how much you loved each other, the happiness on your face as she greeted you and carried you to the couch… I almost left you there, better off without me.”

While she speaks, I make myself look at her. Her head is bowed and she stares at her hands, which are folded before her. “But then we tripped some defense mechanism. Guns came out of the walls and ceiling and began firing. The simulation changed into that nightmare and I couldn’t leave you there. I couldn’t leave you there.”

She doesn’t look at me when she lapses into silence. I consider her words. _What would I do if the situation were reversed? I wanted Chloe back so much!_

“I missed you too,” I say. I reach over and touch her hair.

“I didn’t watch,” she repeats. “I turned my back, but each sound stabbed me. It drove home how much I missed you. Memories of us together… I couldn’t take it!”

“I’m back now.”

“But are you really? I saw how happy you were with Victoria. Even if you fully believe that was a simulation, you can’t just switch that off.”

“You’re right, I can’t switch that off. You say you saw that… nightmare?”

She nods.

“My heart was divided the whole time I was with her. That nightmare… where you spoke to me in the bathroom, that’s not the first time that happened. I agonized over your loss so much. And at the same time I felt wrong, shallow, cruel because I wasn’t giving my all to my marriage.

“Being here with you… it feels so right, but I’m so scared that it’s just another one of my episodes.”

She takes my hand in her trembling fingers. “Then we’ll live each day as if it is. I don’t want to go another day without you, Max.”

Her words make me smile because they match the ones in my heart. Weariness steals over me and I lean back. My stomach rumbles, but right now, I lack the strength to finish the meal. “That sounds great, Chloe. I don’t want to go without you either.”

She leans forward and her lips brush mine, soft and brief. Her eye shines as she sits back. “That’s a promise of more,” she says. “Once you’re out of here.”

“I’ll hold you to that, Price.”

“Now, you better eat. The sooner you’re healthy, the sooner you can leave.”

The spoon is fully submerged in the soup. _Better there than on me, I guess._ “I’m too tired,” I say.

“Not hungry anymore?”

“Oh, I’m hungry. Just too tired to eat.”

Chloe uses the fork to fish out the spoon, then wipes it off. She dips it into the soup and holds it in front of my mouth. When I look at her with a raised eyebrow, she makes a plane noise and moves the spoon around like it’s flying.

“MC six niner coming in for the landing,” she says in a silly voice. “Open the hanger for MC six niner.”

It makes me laugh and she pops the spoon in my mouth when the laugh stops. “It’s a bit selfish of me, I know,” she says as she brings up another spoonful. “The sooner you’re healthy, the sooner you can come home with me.”

Spoon after spoon, the level of the soup goes down. It’s quite delicious. Much better than anything I expected from a hospital. “What was that drug Lynn put in me?”

She shrugs. “Don’t know. It’s classified. From what she said, I’m guessing it’s to speed up your healing.” That makes sense. I’m wondering what’s up with Lynn. She was peculiar in that other… place? too. _Is that how she really is? Is the simulated Lynn based upon the real Lynn?_

“You said,” I say after another spoonful, “The last time you saw me was five years ago? Was that after the storm?”

“Storm? What storm?”

I pop my head to the side as she brings another spoonful forward. “Don’t tease me like that,” I say. “That hurts more than you know.”

“Honestly, I don’t know what you mean,” she says and moves the spoon away. “Arcadia Bay gets tons of storms, but nothing that I’d consider The Storm.”

Cold tingles run through me. For a moment, everything is black and a rushing sound fills my ears. Both disappear as fast as they come, but a faint ringing is left behind. “What month did I disappear?” My voice is hollow and faint to my ears.

“September 2013.” Now she’s frowning and her brow is creased. “You ok?”

_Before the storm! But she said she dropped me off at school, which means… what?_

“What about Kate,” I ask. “Is she ok?”

“Kate? Kate who? The girl from your nightmare?”

The room spins. I clutch the bed rails to keep myself from being flung from the bed. A hand presses against my chest, strong and firm, and holds me down. The spinning passes after a few seconds.

When my vision clears, I find Chloe leaning over me. Her face is in mine and her hands are on my shoulders. I’m panting and my heart races. “Sorry,” I mumble, though I’m not sure why I’m apologizing.

Her eye flicks between mine several times before she retakes her seat. The food tray is spun away from the bed, but Chloe makes no move to get it. Instead, she continues to study me. “You’re still stuck in that other place,” she whispers. “What the fuck did they do to your memories?”

I speak, though my voice quavers. “What… That research lab, what were they studying?”

“Near as we could tell, something to do with time. We thought maybe some kind of cryo sleep, especially when we found you in that stasis field. Too much of the info was locked down. We brought back what we could for our geeks to pick through.” She stands and repositions the food tray over me.

“Do you remember anything before the lab,” she asks as she retakes her seat. A moment later, the spoon is ready for me. “Anything about us?”

“I’m afraid,” I say after the bite, “the memories I have don’t match yours. They’re all jumbled up with whatever happened in that simulation.”

She nods with a sad little smile and brings up another spoonful. Over the rest of the soup she tells me.

Memories of us begin seeping through the fresh experiences of a cabin in the mountains and life with Victoria. The memories seem almost too good to be true and I have to stifle a sob.

Chloe pauses, spoon between the bowl and me, and looks at me softly. “What’s the matter?” Genuine concern fills her voice.

I try with all my might to raise my hand and manage to move it trembling to hers. “Tell me, please! Did your dad die when I was thirteen? Did I move to Seattle?”

There’s a silence that follows my words that brings a certain dread with it. Chloe won’t look at me. The spoon lays in the remaining soup, wobbling back and forth on its handle. The room seems cold, large, empty and I shiver.

“My dad didn’t die.” The words float through the air but don’t bring comfort like they should. They seem to suck the rest of the warmth from the room. The memories flood in before she says the words.

A golden afternoon, late fall. It’s after school and I’m at Chloe’s house playing video games. We just finished another level of Super Mario World. 

“Yoshi’s so cute,” I gush as I finish my cookie. “I love the way her little legs kick in the air when she jumps. It’s so adorable!”

“Only half as cute as you with chocolate on your nose,” Chloe laughs.

“Where?” I cross my eyes and look down, trying to see the chocolate.

“You goofball, you’ll never find it that way!” Chloe reaches out to wipe the chocolate off.

“Chloe! Could you come here a second,” William calls from the kitchen.

“It’s your turn,” I protest as Chloe puts down her controller.

She stands and says, “Play for me.”

“I… can’t. I don’t want to lose one of your lives!”

“You’ll do fine.” Chloe gives me a smile and wanders into the kitchen. I look at her controller nervously. To distract myself, I peer at my reflection in the TV. _Where is that chocolate?_ I rub the tip of my nose and find it.

“Gross! Now where do I put it?” A brown streak goes down my finger. “Going to the bathroom!” I yell as I put down the controller and run upstairs.

It takes a few minutes to wash my hands and face. No traces of chocolate remain. _I wonder how it got there in the first place? I’m very careful when I eat my cookies._ I dry my hands and face on Chloe’s pirate towel then return downstairs.

William and Chloe are in the living room waiting for me. Strange smiles are on their faces. “Hey Max,” William says from the couch. “Why don’t you take a break for a moment. I… I’ve got something to tell you.”

“Ok.” I sit between them on the couch and Chloe immediately scoots closer to me.

“Max… there’s been a…” his words are slow and he doesn’t look at me. When he falls silent, I look between the two of them.

“Is everything alright?”

A hand loosely takes mine. Chloe looks at me with shining eyes and says. “There’s been a horrible accident.”

The hospital snaps into focus around me as Chloe says, “both your parents are dead.”

Emptiness. Nothingness. That is all I am as Chloe’s words bounce around inside my head. The memories crash through me, ripping apart the facade of Victoria, the mountain cabin, Ethel, Doctor Smith, everything. In that moment I realize the horrible truth: this is not an episode or dream, it’s real!

Sleepless nights as I wonder what will happen next. Dropping grades as I’m bounced from foster home to foster home. A lack of connection, of inclusion, stability. Faces rush through my mind, foster parents and siblings, disappointed teachers and counselors.

But through it all, there are those who were on my side. They fought the system to help me. They provided a lifeline when I needed it most. In the end, they gave me the stability and comfort and home I needed.

But hearing those words now, it’s like I lost mom and dad all over again. The all consuming emptiness devours the feelings that burst into life as quickly as the memories spark them. I am numb. I am nothing.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers and lays her hand on mine.

“No,” I say and make myself focus on her. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

I slip my hand from hers and raise it to touch her cheek. “You had to tell me twice. At thirteen, I didn’t appreciate what that took. Now I do. Sister.”

“Hey, don’t be bringing that out now! Girlfriend!” She nuzzles my hand as she teases me.

Another memory surfaces, happier, brighter. Chloe and I stand on the steps of Blackwell. It was my first day there as a freshman, hers as a sophomore.

“Remembering something,” she breathes. A smile spreads across my face.

“Yes. Our first day together at Blackwell. You and-“

“I were on the steps,” she interrupts as she traps my hand with hers. “I was so happy! Mom and dad got legal custody of you that summer. The first year I was at Blackwell was hell, but the rest of the years were awesome because you were there! It meant I finally had a-“

“Real person with you,” I finish for her.

“That’s a great memory.” Soft, but chapped, lips brush the back of my hand. More memories are brought to life by her smile, by her fingers that trace along my arm, by the way she looks at me.

Through the memories, I see Chloe pick up the spiced drink and take a sip. “Mmm, this is so good,” she says with a smile.

“Hey! Put that down!” I protest. “My drink!”

“Kind of hard to drink it when you can’t hold it!”

I give her a look. She responds by taking another sip with a laugh. Afterward, she puts the drink on the tray out of my reach. “None for you until you finish your meal,” she teases and brings the small bowl of pureed vegetables closer.

Bite after bite, she feeds them to me. She continues filling me in on our lives together before my disappearance. I’m only half paying attention as I try to comprehend why someone would go through the effort of constructing such an elaborate simulation for me. The differences are so stark they are jarring.

A thought worms its way through the chaos to make itself known. “Wait a moment,” I say as she tells me about how I never slept in the loft bedroom her parents built for me. There was a lot of innuendo about her bed that I try to ignore, though the heat in my cheeks and her perky smile tells me I don’t succeed. “You said the research lab focused on something to do with time?”

“Yeah,” she says and puts the spoon into the empty bowl. “No idea what that means.”

_Could it be?_

I watch her tidy up the food tray then reach for the spiced drink. “Ok, enough of the-“

“No idea what that means,” Chloe says as she puts the spoon into the empty bowl. Her hand shifts to the spiced drink and excitement courses through me.

_I just rewound!_

“Ok, enough of the teasing,” Chloe says as she brings the tall glass close to me. “You ok? You look like you need to go or something.”

“No,” I say, my mind distraced and voice distant. “I’m fine… just… I realized something.” _She hasn’t mentioned my ability. If I disappeared in September, that means it was before my power manifested._ I gather my thoughts together to figure out how to tell her.

Unfortunately, another doctor enters at that moment. “Captain Price,” she says with a nod, “Ms. Caulfield.” An electronic tablet is in her hand which she consults when she stops at my bedside. “Per the Colonel’s orders, you are to start physical therapy immediately.”

“What!” Both Chloe and I exclaim.

“All your vital signs look good. We need all the hands we can get. Now that you’re awake, the priority is to get you in condition.”

Chloe curses up a storm, but the doctor stands her ground. A couple of what I assume are soldiers enter the room with guns drawn. That stops Chloe’s cursing, but not her glares. “If you so much as hurt her,” she growls at no one in particular.

The doctor dismisses her threat with a hand wave. “Captain Price, you’ve made it quiet clear over the last month how important Ms. Caulfield is to you. There’s no way in hell myself or any of my people want to be on your bad side. At the same time, we’ve got a job to do and orders to fulfill.”

“What are you saying,” Chloe says as she stands.

“I’m saying,” the doctor stands nose to nose with Chloe. “Get out of my hospital and let me do my job.” They glare at each other a long time. The soldiers shift in what I assume is discomfort. A couple other people dressed in medical smocks enter, glance our direction, and then look like they want to leave.

“I’ll be checking on her regularly,” Chloe finally hisses. “So will my people. If anything should happen to her…” She steps around the doctor, who stops her with a hand on her arm.

“You need to go see the Colonel,” she says coolly. “I will keep her as safe and healthy as I can, but there’s a lot at stake here and you need to find a way to get with the program.”

With a final glare at everyone, except me, Chloe leaves the room. Her black suit begins swarming around her body as she walks until she is completely engulfed by the time she reached the door. “I’ll be back for you,” she says to me. Then she’s gone.

The whole exchange is mysterious. _Get with the program? And why does the doctor speak like I’m an important person?_ But I don’t voice those thoughts at all. Instead, I let the nothingness of before return to me, and give the doctor an empty smile.

And thus begins several weeks of hell.

True to her word, I don’t get hurt while in the doctor’s care. But they work me to the point of exhaustion each day. Everything I took for granted: walking, jumping, running, swimming, and more, I had to relearn. From the moment I awaken, to the moment I collapse into my bed at night and fell asleep they have me busy.

During those weeks I seldom see Chloe, but I see the Lieutenant a lot. She’d show up in the corner of my vision, her face flat and bright eyes studying me. She never talked to me.

When I do see Chloe, there are too many people around to talk. She’d give me a bright smile and sometimes a hug. But her words were brief and seemed more like she was getting a status report than inquiring about my me.

The doctor and her assistants are very respectful of Chloe, but won’t let her get me alone. “The Colonel’s orders,” the doctor answers when I ask.

My diet changes during that period. Within a couple of days I move from the liquid diet to solid foods. Which means instead of getting a vegetable goop, I get to enjoy them whole and seasoned. It was so much better!

I lay on my bed, my muscles sore, aching, and not letting me get comfortable. A full belly suggests sleep is the next order of business. It is the end of a long day after some hellish indoor obstacle course. Each day they seem to find new muscles to torment. With an arm across my eyes I try to relax before taking a shower.

The door bangs open and my arm drops from my head. That’s the only response I can muster. In walks the doctor carrying a bundle. She tosses it on my bed and says, “Put these on.”

With a groan I sit up and look at the bundle. It’s a set of clothes, including underwear, neatly folded. Beneath it I see a pair of boots. “You have ten minutes,” the doctor says in a commanding voice. “To get dressed and be outside.”

“Outside!” In the weeks I’ve been here, I’ve neither been allowed outside nor to look out a window. I’m starving for the outdoors and she knows it. She nods, then leaves the room. Muscles that ached and were stiff a moment ago are now thrumming with anticipation. I rise from the bed and shed my outer clothes.

_Ugh! I don’t want to put these clothes on while I’m all sweaty._

I hurry to the small bathroom and turn on the shower. While it warms up, I rearrange the clothes for easy access once I’m clean. Normally, I take my time in the shower, enjoying its warm spray on my aching body. Tonight I have a time limit and a more important goal: go outside!

Scant minutes later, I’m out of the shower and scrubbing myself with the towel. A brief memory of rushing through a shower in a motel comes to mind. This towel is a little softer than that one was. I toss the towel on the rack, slip on my underwear and don the clothes.

Jeans, a t-shirt, and a simple blue and black flannel comprise the clothes. After weeks of very simple pyjamas, it’s strange to be in regular clothes. The jeans are stiff and tight in places. But they are regular clothes and signify an end to my therapy.

Once clothed, I look at myself in the steamed-over mirror. There’s not much to see. Tired blue eyes among freckles on a very pale face. A healthy glow suffuses my skin, a huge improvement from weeks ago. The clothes are awkward and rub me in weird places. I shift my shoulders and give myself a smile.

The door bangs open again and I hop from the bathroom trying to get the other boot on. The doctor looks me up and down. “Good fit,” she says, then turns and begins to walk. “Come with me.”

I follow her through the winding corridors of the hospital. She takes me down paths I’ve never walked and she refuses to answer any questions. The hospital looks like others I’ve been in: drab white walls, plenty of signs with strange coding on them, and lots of doors blocking the hall.

We reach a pair of grey double doors. “This is it, Ms. Caulfield,” she says as she turns to me. The entire time she oversaw my therapy she never called me by my first name. “I hope to never see you again.”

“What?”

“Sorry, a bit of medical humor.” Suddenly, I see the twitches at the corner of her mouth. She’s trying not to smile! Weird.

Before I can say anything, the doors are flung open and in storms Chloe. Her head is exposed, but the rest of her is black. “What’s the emerg-“ she shouts, then cuts herself off when she sees us nearby. “Max?”

“She’s being discharged,” the doctor says. “She’s your problem now.” _Do I detect humor in her voice?_

“Well that’s the best news I’ve heard all day,” Chloe exclaims. Light, bright and golden, streams through the open doors behind her. It pulls me and I walk toward it. The others may be speaking, but I only have attention for what waits me on the other side of the doors.

It’s early evening. The air is warm and filled with distant shouts. Buildings surround us, blocking my view. There are no car or truck noises, only people. Across from me a row of businesses line the side of the street. Everything looks ordinary. After several weeks of not even seeing a window, it’s the most amazing sight!

But it’s not right. The buildings are cracked and have gaping holes. Some are in ruins, their remains fenced off. Street poles are destroyed, signs are bent and riddled with holes, and there is a lack of electric light outside the hospital. In the distance are unfamiliar sounds, staccato bursts of high-pitched noises. There are groups of black garbed people stationed at intervals along the streets. Large armored vehicles with big guns on their roofs are close by.

This is not a city I recognize. It’s a city that scares me. “I… was fucking selfish again.” The words fall to the ground.

“What is this place,” I ask in a small voice.

“Portland.”

“Why…” The words I want to say won’t come.

“I’m sorry,” Chloe says. “I wanted to keep you sheltered from this reality, to keep you as you were Before. It was fucking selfish of me. I should have told you right away.”

“Told me…?”

“A few months after you disappeared, the invasion started. Strange creatures began appearing in the Arcadia Bay area, terrible, horrible creatures. Conventional weapons did little to harm them. The creatures were all muscle and teeth and not much bigger than a golden retriever. People started calling them VoidHounds because they would appear out of nowhere, like stepping from a void into our world. Conventional weapons did nothing against them, not even things like swords and knives.

“A peculiar thing about the VoidHounds, they only have one prey: humans. They largely left animals alone, but they began decimating the West Coast. The military was called out and threw everything short of nuclear weapons at them to little effect.

“By that time much of the West Coast had fallen, other than a few pockets of resistance. They swept across North America, then began appearing on other continents. A year or so after it started, surviving Nations and research groups began producing gear that could help.

“The saving grace for us is that the Hounds aren’t organized or led by a central mind. If they were… I suspect none of us would be here. It’s been a kind of stalemate ever since, with neither side gaining ground. We know very little about the creatures, other than they are not of Earth.”

I look at her, but she’s no longer looking at me. “That’s what you mean by Before, isn’t it? Before the invasion.” She nods, her eye sweeping the scene. I look at the sky with its dwindling light and decide I want something different.

I step into her space. “Take me home, please?”

She shifts to look at me, her face softening under my gaze. Her arm slips around my waist. “Gladly,” she whispers.

People nod at us as we walk. Some even open a path allowing us to cross the street with ease. They seem to hold Chloe in some kind of regard, a few calling her name as we pass.

“You’re a celebrity!”

“I’d fucking rather I wasn’t,” she growls softly. “People died to give me this fame and it sucks.”

That’s what I expected and I pull her close. “When we get home, will you tell me about it?”

She stiffens at my offer but doesn’t reject it. “I’ve a feeling you have very few people you let in,” I prompt.

“Pot. Kettle.”

“Fair enough. But I’m here now and have no plans to go anywhere. I can only imagine how hard these years have been on you while I was locked away.” A grunt and a nod are her only response.

We walk along side streets hastily repaired. The farther we walk, the greater the damage is. “Much of Portland is destroyed. A wall surrounds the part we can defend.”

The street comes to an end. A small motel, like the kind I experienced in the simulation with Ethel and the others, is on the other side. Two story and L-shaped, it wraps around a parking lot and cracked swimming pool. “Welcome to the new home,” Chloe says half-heartedly.

We cross the street without looking, which is strange, and Chloe aims for a metal stair case. It clangs as we climb, the sound making me cringe. We walk down the landing to a door that she unlocks. She steps inside. Soft yellow light flares into life and I join her.

The room is small, with a single bed, dresser, table and two chairs. The bathroom with separate sink is against the far wall. A small refrigerator is on the floor near the bathroom.

The door closes with a soft click and Chloe tosses the key on the table. With the novelty gone and dull reality around me, my aches and tiredness return.

The room is very impersonal. Nothing about it says ‘Chloe.’ But then, nothing about her says that either, except for her hair. I sink onto the bed, which I find to be a little comfortable. “Are we… um…” Words now refuse to form.

“It sucks,” Chloe says as she sits next to me. “I hate it, but I’m glad I get my own place. If I didn’t have rank, I’d have a bed in the common room with twenty others.” She leans over and pulls off her boots. “Which is only a problem in that there wouldn’t be a place for you.” The black stuff that often coats her suit is gone.

“Let me help you with that,” Chloe says and slips from the bed. A tug on my left foot tells me she’s removing my boots. Her eye peers up at me from below. “I’ll give you the full tour tomorrow. And we’ll get you properly kitted out. You look like you need sleep.”

“I do,” I say as I lean back, letting my arms prop me up. “But… this is the first time we’ve been together and truly alone in five years.” She stands and I reach up and take her hand. I give it a gentle tug. “I’d rather do something else.”

She sinks onto the bed, reclining on her side. I lay in a similar way. For a long time there’s only the sound of our breathing and the low hum of the fridge.

During my years with Victoria I often had daydreams where Chloe was still alive. The doctor’s made a mistake and she hadn’t died, or I imagined her death. In those spells, I fantasized about what I’d say or do. The kiss on the hill left no room for doubt. And my memories tell me that here and now it’s the same.

Only, I’ve been gone for five years. I get the sense that she didn’t find someone else. Nor did she let anyone in. _What does she need right now? Does she need to talk? To be held? Something more? Nothing?_

The blue suit is soft and a little squishy under my touch. “Are you allowed to take this off?” Heat immediately rushes to my face as I realize what I just implied. _That’s not how I should start this!_

Chloe smirks. “Damn! You move fast, Max!”

I try to stammer out an explanation but my words are all jumbled and nonsense. She laughs, a pure, joyful laugh. “Relax. I’m teasing,” she says with a smile. “I know you’re trying to learn more about me, about this new Chloe.” Still, she scoots a little closer and rests her fingers on my hand.

“Yes, I’m allowed to take it off. It’s surprisingly easy.” Fingers lightly stroke my arm. “The blue suit provides some necessary things while I’m in the armor.”

“That’s what that black stuff is? Armor?”

“Yep, self-healing armor. Provides good protection against the Hounds.”

There’s a tenseness to her words and I suspect she doesn’t want to talk work, or whatever this may be called. “What’s something you’ve wanted to tell me for a while, but couldn’t?” I scoot a little closer too. In this small, cold room the heat that radiates from her is quite noticeable and welcome.

“How much I fucking missed you.” Fingers softly trace my jawline into my hair. “I cried myself to sleep for a year or more, until the problems with the Hounds got so distracting and tiresome that I lacked the energy.”

A flap of fabric at her neck tantalizes my fingers. Beneath it I suspect is how to undo the suit. I tease its edge until it loosens. “I did the same,” I breathe. “In that… prison, you sacrificed yourself to save all of Arcadia Bay. I missed you so much! At night I cried, and during the day I wasn’t easy to get along with.”

“How did you get connected with Victoria?” Now she traces the contours of my face, a light touch that delights and soothes.

“Let’s not talk about that,” I whisper. “Right now, I want to be with you-“

Lips cut off my words in a most welcome way.

* * *

“Good morning sunshine!”

“Ugh! It’s too early.”

“9 AM is too early? Poor little Maxy needs to sleep longer. What’s the matter? Something keep you up all night?”

I groan and open my eyes. Chloe is propped up with one arm and looking at me with her beautiful smile.

“Wanna go back to sleep,” I pout.

She leans in with a smile and kisses the tip of my nose. “No can do. Gotta get you up and around. Your vacation at Hospital Hilton is over.” She slips from the covers, stands, and stretches. That wakes me up as I gaze at her lithe, muscle-toned body. Wearing nothing but her panties, she walks toward the fridge. “Are you hungry?”

“Sure.”

Last night was wonderful. A bunch of kissing and plenty of cuddling, in each others arms we talked like we used to. Long into the night we opened up to each other, sharing our fears and hopes and reconnecting. Today, life seems clearer and uncomplicated.

I watch her bend over to get something from the fridge. _Maybe tonight we can do more than kiss and cuddle? _She stands and gives me a cocky smile. “Damn, but I missed that smile.”

“What smile?”

“The one you only give when you’re in my bed and feel safe from the world.” She crawls back into bed, a silver-wrapped package in one hand.

“Gimme,” I say playfully and reach for the package. She laughs and hides it under the covers.

“Gonna have to dive for it.”

“Stop! You’re gonna break them!” She laughs again. With a fake frown, I dive under the blanket. The package lays on the bed next to her hip. Above it is her right hand, giving me the middle finger.

“Is that an insult or an invitation,” I say as I pop my head out from the blanket.

“Invitation,” she purrs and pulls me close. “For later.” I roll on top of her and rest my head on her chest.

I close my eyes and listen to her. The steady beat of her heart, the soft motions as she breathes, I missed all of this. Her hand caresses my hair.

“You know what’s amazing,” I say as I lift my head to peer at her.

“You?”

“That we’re four years into the apocalypse and there are still pop tarts.”

She laughs and kisses my head. We spend the next few minutes like that, me laying on her, eating pop tarts. I feed one of the delicious wafers to her bite by bite. Her hands caress me the whole time. Life is good.

Except it’s not. We’re in a small motel room, in the middle of a destroyed Portland. Though I’m with Chloe and safe, the world outside is not.

That’s emphasized when she cuts our time short. “Sorry, Max,” she says as she slips from me. “We need to get over to supply.” I pout and watch her saunter her way to the bathroom.

When we exit the motel room, it’s to an overcast morning. Armed soldiers patrol the streets. “How big is the area we live in?”

“Maybe a mile across,” she says as she locks the door. “We’ve a barricade all around it. We’ve farms to the south that provide food, so not everyone lives right here.”

We walk to street level and she leads me through the streets. Soldiers salute her, and passers-by nod at her. I want to ask her about her fame, but push that off until later.

Supply turns out to be a converted hardware store. Inside I’m quickly fitted with an outfit similar to Chloe’s: a light blue suit with my own black box. “Does this mean I’ll be fighting,” I say fearfully as the staff try to show me how everything works.”

“No.” She lays a hand on my shoulder. “This is for your protection.”

“But other non-soldier people weren’t wearing these. What makes me different?”

She doesn’t answer and the staff look uncomfortable.

After a few tests to ensure the devices work properly, we leave. The black stuff is very strange. Lighter than cloth, it’s durable and resists any kind of blow. The staff said something about it distributing kinetic energy or something. I didn’t understand, or want to understand.

Chloe takes me in a more northerly direction. “You need to see this,” she says without emotion.

Before us looms a tall wall of unfamiliar material. The road leads to a gate with towers to either side. We stop at the foot of a tower by a ladder. “Up we go,” she says as she begins to climb.

After all the therapy I went through the last few weeks, the ascent is easy. A wide landing encircles a little building at the top of the tower. Chloe takes us to the point where we can look beyond the fence.

Beyond the perimeter everything is destroyed. Buildings, vegetation, nothing stands taller than a few inches in all directions for hundreds of feet. At the far edge stand several unfamiliar creature that vaguely resemble dogs. Their purple coloration seems to absorb the dim light.

“Are those…?”

“VoidHounds,” Chloe replies and lays a hand on my arm. At that moment, one of them howls, a long, low sound that is felt more than heard. It thrums my heart and bones, reaching deep into me. Behind us, people cry out.

“Their howl causes panic,” Chloe says. “The suit you wear protects you from that effect.”

Other Hounds join the first in a chorus of howls. From their midst, a person steps forth. They are too far away to make out any details.

“That person appeared about the same time we discovered you were locked in a lab,” Chloe says.

Behind the Hounds and person, destroyed buildings litter the landscape. As the howls continue, a teaming mass streams from among the streets and alleys and surges toward us.

“Shit,” Chloe exclaims as an alarm splits the air. “They’re attacking!” I step away from the railing, my heart beginning to pound. The Hounds seem to grow in size as they race toward us.

A blast of cold water shocks me awake. I jerk upright, spluttering and swearing. The surging VoidHounds morph into Lynn Marsh standing over me, an empty water bottle in her hand. “What the fuck!” I glare at her as the water seeps into my clothes.

“It’s time to get up, Chloe. Your clothes’ll dry as we walk,” she says. Her tone hints at impatience. “I let you sleep as long as I could, but we have to start walking if we hope to make Arcadia Bay before nightfall.”

She turns and begins rolling up her sleeping bag. I flick the water from my hands and move to sit cross-legged. The early morning chill on my damp shirt sucks donkey balls. I pull it off and grab my bag to find a dry one. Goose bumps immediately cover my bare flesh. I ignore the bra on top of my stuff and dig in to pull out a heavier shirt.

The dream or memory or whatthefuckever is freaky weird. To be Max kissing me is beyond strange, let alone those fucking hounds. It was pretty badass to see me with the eyepatch and commanding people’s respect though. I haven’t dreamed anything that bizarre in months.

Across from me, Max stands, chin in one hand, elbow cradled in the other. Her blue eyes shine in the morning light. The trees behind her are distorted by her projection, or whatever the fuck puts her in my vision. I pull the shirt angrily over my head, then shove my feet into my boots.

That done, I stare at my hands. I don’t want to look up, to see her. Her gaze always questions, always implores, always torments me. A person I can never touch, can never be with, though she’s always present with me.

Lynn’s boots step into my view and I look up at her. I have to shade my eyes from the sun’s glare behind her. “Are you ready, Chloe? We have a long day ahead of us!”

“Fuck that,” I groan as I push myself to my feet. Max watches me from a distance, her mouth forming words I can’t understand.

I am Chloe fucking Price. My friend, Max Caulfield, has been dead for five years. She came from nowhere to take a bullet meant for me. Life fucking sucks.


	19. Convergence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: vivid descriptions of a person's death

Lynn is in a hurry, but then she always is. I rush to shake the water from my sleeping bag, then roll it up. It takes only a few minutes to stuff it into its sack and tie it to my pack. My stomach growls while I’m tying it down and Lynn tosses me a silver package, which I fumble and drop.

“Thanks,” I say. “How many of these did you pack?”

“Enough to get us there.” Which isn’t really an answer. She rolls her eyes and turns to leave.

I glare at her, then pick up the package of pop tarts. After I hoist the pack onto my back, I tear open the wrapper and begin to eat.

“We need to move fast today to stay ahead of him,” Lynn says as she sets off at a rapid pace. It’s the same pace she’s maintained over the last three days and it’s running me into the ground.

“Fuck this pace,” I say, “we’re so close, can’t we slow down?”

“And let him catch us,” she spits back at me. “I didn’t go through the trouble of breaking you out of the Institute only to throw you to him.”

I have no answer to that and keep my thoughts to myself as I eat the brown sugar and cinnamony goodness. It’s better that way. The first two days I tried pushing her for more information, only to find the younger woman as headstrong as me. And with as sharp a tongue.

My thoughts dwell on what she said, saving me from the Institute. Max’s death haunted me in a way dad’s never did, probably because I witnessed it. Her blood covered my hands, smeared down my clothes. Everything in slow motion and loud with screaming, crying, echoes of gun shots, angry shouts, distraught cries. Blood spraying, splattering, dripping, gushing, pumping in time to the dying heart.

I shake my head to clear it of the image, though I know it will return when I don’t want it. Max watches me from the edge of the track we follow. She keeps pace, her gaze moving between the way ahead to me and back.

You showed up a few days after your death. Scared the shit out of me. And you kept coming back, always staring and following me. Now, you rarely leave.

Blood and death fill my sleep with nightmares. Ghostly apparitions of you fill them in the day. Months after the event I was committed to the Institute. Who did it, I don’t give a fuck. That’s not even the place’s real name and again I don’t give a fuck.

After your death, I no longer have fucks to give.

You took all of them from me when you showed there was one person willing to give a fuck about me.

We wander through forests and among hills, always far from towns and homes. The path she walks keeps us far away from other people. She’s the only person I’ve seen since leaving the Institute, you not included. Lynn says we’re headed toward the epicenter, like we’re studying an earthquake or something. I don’t know what it’s the center of. Shit maybe.

It’s early fall, I think. A few of the trees have leaves tinged with oranges and reds. Most of the trees are evergreens though, which makes the colorful ones stick out. I’m just glad we’re following a trail instead of pushing our way through the thick underbrush. Remember when we did that as kids, pretending we were pirates sneaking up on the enemy? Shit, what’s with everything being blurry all of a sudden! I miss you.

Lynn showed up at the Institute three days ago and broke me out. I was so done with that place. Endless rules and mind games. Other patients that fucked with you. Not a single place for privacy or to keep your own stuff. The only good thing about it is it drove away my smoking habit. Yeah, that’s sarcasm. Fuck you! As if I care. I’m sorry, I do care. I care too fucking much! Shit! Shit! Shit!

She showed up and legit broke me out of the place. I didn’t know who she was or how she did it. In the turmoil after your death I’m sure I met her sister Kate, but I kind of had other things on my mind. Or not. Not much of a mind. Damn, but I could use something right now.

Speaking of Kate… I’m sorry.

Lynn walks ahead of me, a tough ass kid six years younger than me that can give me a run for it with attitude. Shit’s crazy and she’s got it by the short hairs.

“No I don’t,” she says over her shoulder. Doesn’t even stop to look at me. How does she do that? Frickin’ mind reader or something.

Like you and your time control. Oh yeah, like I’m totally believing that! Why would a time traveller step into a bullet’s path for me? But you did… and fuck it I’m not worth it. Damn! I can’t see. Fucking forest is all blurry. Must be allergies. Hold on. There, that’s better.

Five years gone and you come back and prove yourself the biggest badass I’ve ever known. And now I see you all the time but I can’t tell you that you shouldn’t have given your life for me. I can’t touch you. You’re there, but you aren’t.

We keep to animal trails and overgrown logging roads, far away from the main roads and highways. We’d make better time if we followed those, but well, you heard Lynn earlier.

“Can you at least keep your voice down,” she says. She actually stopped walking to say that.

I stop too, startled that she’s speaking to me. The look she gives me though, fuckin’ soft on the eyes. She’s a looker, Lynn is.

Lynn steps close to me and puts her hand on my arm. “Chloe,” she whispers, “It’s ok that you talk to her, really it is. If sis showed up like Max does for you…” She looks right at Max when she says that, but Max only has eyes for me.

“Please keep your voice down. It will be more important when we get close to town, where we can easily be detected.”

“Close to town, yeah, whatever the fuck is left of it.”

“It was only partially destroyed. People live there and the Prescotts are doing their best to attract more people. Turn it into a bedroom community for Portland.”

That’s the longest ass speech she’s given me.

She throws her hands into the air and looks at Max. “I can’t wait,” she mutters, “I hope this helps her.”

Did I mention the town was destroyed? Five days after you saved me, a big fucking storm shows up out of nowhere and takes out most of the town. Least everything along the wharf was destroyed, and all the shit in a direct line with the wharf.

You showed up after the storm.

Blackhell was toast too. Best thing to ever happen to that shithole. Well’s alcohol was blown away and so was his failure of a job. A lot of good people died in the storm. Mom…

Fucking rain or something making my sight blurry, again.

“We’re gonna make it right,” I hear Lynn whisper.

What was I telling you about earlier? Oh, that’s right. Kate. Wish I could remember her but I was so fucked up with you dying in my arms. Bullet grazed my arm. You didn’t deserve it! You didn’t!

Silence. That’s what I need right now.

No. I don’t want to talk about Kate. Or what happened to my heart that week. Nothing left there.

Silence.

That’s better.

But it’s not. Damn it! Why can’t anything ever be simple! I can’t do this, walking to nowhere with you so near and so far. After Rachel disappeared, I felt worse than before. A nothing in a nowhere town. Not wanted. Then you show up… fuck!

Lynn stops and hands me something. “My last two,” she says and puts one of the cigarettes in her mouth. I accept the other and she lights both of them.

“This is the best part of you breaking me out,” I say after a long pull. “You got the best shit.” I can feel the drug seeping into my system, loosening me up.

Max takes a step close to me, her eyes filled with questions. “Sorry, Max,” I whisper. “You gotta go now.” I take another long pull and close my eyes. After the smoke trickles from my mouth, I open my eyes to find Max is gone.

“Fucking allergies.”

* * *

We stand on a hill overlooking Blackwell’s ruins. A lot of the trees here are flattened and rot where they fell. The main building is our goal. According to Lynn, if we get into the girl’s restroom, all will be made right.

Next to me, Lynn uses a pair of binoculars to scan the area. It’s past noon and I’m chewing on another pack of pop-tarts. I like to eat them sandwiched together. The effects of my high are still on me and I don’t mind how dry my mouth is. A sip from my water bottle will cure it.

“Ok,” Lynn says, “no one’s there. Let’s go down quietly.” We’ve been standing here twenty minutes or more while Lynn made sure no one was in the ruins or the grounds around it.

I stuff the silver wrapper in a pocket, put my water bottle away and nod. “Ready,” I whisper.

Lynn steps into my space and looks me in the eye. “Remember,” she whispers. “Keep your voice down. The longer we go undetected, the better.”

“Voice down. Quiet. Got it.” I give her the thumbs up. She looks at me a while as if waiting for something.

With a nod, she turns, steps from the shadow of the trees and strolls toward the buildings. There’s no shelter between the tree line and the campus, so no sense in ducking or walking low.

I catch up to her and we walk shoulder by shoulder. She’s taller than me by an inch or two and I have to tilt my head up a little when I look at her.

“Is Max still gone,” she whispers.

My eyes flit around me. “Yeah,” I reply in the same. “But… I think she’ll be back soon.”

Of all the things the Institute tried to help me with, or at least claim to help me, none of them worked. Then Lynn shows up, hands me a joint and Max is gone. Not permanently, I doubt I could handle that, but long enough for me to kind of function. Or at least not talk to her. Like I’m doing now though she’s not fucking visible.

Fuck I miss you.

But since I’m talking to you… you’ll be back soon.

Lynn says coming here will help us be together again. I can’t wait to chew you out for saving me. Oh, fuck. Who am I kidding? I’ll be too happy at seeing you again to think properly. As if I could ever think properly.

Lynn glares at me. I stick my tongue out at her.

The buildings loom large as we walk across the lawn gone to seed. _Wonder what happened to Samuel? He’d hate to see what happened to the grounds._

“He’s ok,” Lynn says. “Found a job as a groundskeeper at a private zoo in Washington.”

We stop in front of a side door. While Lynn fiddles with the lock, I face outward. Supposedly to keep watch, but I’m more interested in studying the school remains. Poorly tended lawn, downed trees and bushes that desperately need a trim are the only things visible. Sounds of cars come from a distance. _I guess people do live here. Who’d want to live in ruins?_

Of course, for all I know, the town is rebuilt, beautiful, and thriving. I don’t care. Arcadia Bay took everyone and everything I cared about and destroyed them.

A flicker in the corner of my eye catches my attention. A hazy outline appears, then disappears. It’s there long enough for me to catch a glimpse of short brown hair. “She’s coming back,” I hiss over my shoulder.

The only response is a click and groan as the door is hauled open. “Inside, now,” Lynn whispers, not bothering to hide the command in her voice. I follow her into the abandoned school and she shuts the door behind us.

Broken lockers, glass from smashed display cases, bent trophies, torn and rotting decorations and many other things line the hall. Thick debris makes it hard to walk. A hole gapes in the roof overhead and green things hang through it, growing toward the floor. Our feet crunch over the debris and we’re careful not to touch anything. Who knows what can happen. Or what lives here.

Broken walls lean precariously atop other walls, or desks, or lockers. A groan echoes through the hall as the air pressure changes the way the walls rest. The air is heavy and wet with rotting vegetation and more. It’s a powerful stench, worse than even the solitary wing at the Institute.

“If the Prescott’s are so intent on rebuilding AB,” I whisper, “why’d they leave this place in ruins?” Lynn ignores my question.

We turn a corner and in the hazy light streaming with spores or dust we see our goal. The woman’s restroom door pulls us, but Lynn blocks me from moving toward it. Her head swivels, checking all directions and listening.

“It’s almost time,” she whispers.

“How do you know?”

“It’s hard to explain. I don’t fully understand it myself. It’s more a feeling than anything.”

“Oh.”

She looks at me and I see in her eyes what I so desperately wanted to see from someone for years. Her hand touches mine, a soft reassurance. “Soon,” she whispers, “you’ll be with her soon.”

“And… you and Kate?”

Her face hardens, likely an attempt to not cry, and she nods. “Yes, I’m trying not to cry, ya dork.” She turns away so I can’t read the rest of her face.

To my side stands Max, looking as anxious as the day we first met. She grips her elbow, her eyes also locked on the restroom door.

It’s such a simple thing, this door into a sort of public restroom. Plain. Unadorned except for the word Women near the top. Needs tagging though. Lynn walks toward it and I’m not far behind. It opens at her touch and we step into where it all began.

I kind of expected something big, like a ray of sunlight and people singing. Or maybe Him and a bunch of people shooting at us. Instead there’s only a ruined woman’s restroom.

Stall doors hang crookedly from their frames, casting shadows in the dim light. All the mirrors are broken, their silver shards strewn among the sinks and on the floor where they mix with other debris. The window is also broken and fresh air is carried in by the breeze. That helps the room smell better than the rest of the ruined school.

The glass crunches underfoot as we walk into the room. My mind purposely avoids picturing Max and Nathan and the bullet and the blood and the screams and the gunshot and the pain, burning, burning, burning as it rips across my arm and she’s falling, oh no, she’s falling and I’m falling and we’re going down and-

Lynn shakes my arm and the vision breaks. “Thanks,” I mutter. To the side, Max looks at me with concern. I ignore that she stands where I did that day, but then there it is.

“So… what, I stand over there, Max takes my hand and…?”

“That’s part of it.”

“What’s the rest?”

Lynn points and I look behind myself. A blue butterfly rests on one of the broken sinks, its wings open and close slowly. The blue shimmer of its wings draws me closer. It stays in place as I step to the sink. From the corner of my eye, I see Max at my side. Her hand is out flat, waiting for something.

The butterfly takes to the air and flutters around in its haphazard way. I watch it, my breath caught in my throat, my heart stopped. It flits and swirls then comes to a rest on Max’s palm. Its wings are closed. It should be falling through to the floor, but no, it stays on her hand as stable as when on the sink!

My hand reaches toward Max, thinking this is the moment! This is when it happens! My hand passes through hers. “Fuck! What am I supposed to do?”

“Hello, ladies,” a deep voice says from the doorway.

We spin to find a man, possibly in his fifties, blocking the entry. His gray and black hair is cut short on the sides, just long enough on top to sweep to the side. In the distance, some animal howls, a sound felt more than heard.

* * *

The world shifts and moves and I stumble, catching myself on the railing. For a moment I am everywhere but nowhere, then the world comes into focus.

The Hounds bound across the open area toward us! Most of them run, but some blink in and out of existence, teleporting ahead of their fellows.

“Some people called them blinkers in the early days,” Chloe says as the armor covers her completely. “Kind of glad the VoidHounds name won.” She glances at me and touches my shoulder. My entire focus is on these strange beasts speeding toward us. “You best activate your armor.”

Her touch startles me and I almost lose my balance again. As she steadies me, her words sink in and I try to remember how to activate the armor. _Oh yeah, it’s thought controlled!_ I give the mental command and streams of the black substance flow around and over me. It’s like being in soft jets of warm water. _Whoever designed this did an awesome job!_

It encases my head, which causes a moment of panic. Air continues flowing though, and I can still see as if my head wasn’t covered. Only now measurements and gauges and many other items appear in the air before me.

“You’ll be ok.” Chloe’s voice is calm and clear in my ear.

I return my attention to the Hounds. The numbers and widgets fade away as I focus. They’re almost here and beams of light shoot forth from the walls. Within moments, I’m at the edge of a sci-fi laser battle! Except the lasers, or whatever they are, only come from the people on the walls. Nothing comes from the Hounds.

My focus shifts to the person beyond the charging Hounds. Suddenly, I can see the person clearly. They wear a dark outfit, like a uniform and their skin is purplish. Both the skin and outfit seem to suck in the light around them. They turn to face me and a smile slowly spreads across their face. One hand raises to point at me and I step backward.

The world around me returns to the sights and sound of the strange battle. Hounds stumble and fall, some to rise, the rest staying down. The ones that don’t rise lay still then moments later dissipate into a purple haze. The Hounds ignore the walls and gate and run in an arrow formation straight toward our tower.

“Do they normally charge like that,” I ask.

“No… they don’t.”

They draw closer and now soldiers are on either side of us with their weapons. I hear high pitched sounds as the lasers fire. The lead Hounds fall to be replaced by several more. The ones in front leap into the air and at the peak of their arc, other Hounds appear above them and use them as springboards to leap higher.

“Oh shit,” Chloe shouts. “Inside, Max! Inside!”

I don’t know what she means and I waste precious seconds figuring it out. Finally, she takes my arm and hustles me toward the entry to the guard house.

And just in time because a Hound crashes into the railing right where I stood! The tower shudders from the impact and soldiers immediately fire at the Hound hanging from the railing.

Chloe shoves me into the room and follows me. I stumble against a table, crushing it as I fall. _This stuff must be heavier than it appears!_ I right myself among the shattered wood and push myself up.

Hounds now swarm the railing, overwhelming the soldiers. A knot forms in my stomach, churning with a fury, as one by one the soldiers fall to the Hounds.

“The armor can’t withstand a determined assault by several Hounds at once,” Chloe says quietly. She turns this way and that, gun in her hand. “I let my people know what’s going on,” Chloe says. “But I don’t know if they’ll get here in time.”

She turns and grabs my shoulders. “If the Hounds break in here, I want you to leave. I’ll distract them.”

“No,” I say, aghast. The knot gets bigger and drags at me. I think I’m going to throw up. “I won’t leave you!”

“We need to get down,” she says suddenly and pulls at my shoulders.

“What! Why?” I lower myself though everything in me says I should keep standing. It will be easier to defend myself or run or help Chloe if I’m standing. I really want to run, but I can’t bear the thought of leaving her.

“They’re gonna use the big guns to fire on the tower. If they can kill them off or drive them away, we can get out of here.” Chloe pushes me down more and drapes herself over me. There are so many Hounds, I can’t see the skyline or anything else. Only their churning purple masses and glowing eyes are visible. They slam themselves against the structure, which shakes under the attack.

“I will always love you,” Chloe whispers.

A flash of blue catches my eye and I look to the side. A small blue butterfly flits through the air to alight on my hand.

* * *

“Max?”

Reality shifts and my mind spins. For a moment, I’m in between and without reality. Then I’m in a soft place, with skin on skin and scents that I know.

My eyes flutter open to find Victoria gazing at me. Our faces are close, noses almost touching. She smiles at me, a most beautiful thing. The cruel smile and plunging knife flashes in my mind and I push myself away and cry out. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

“What’s the matter!” Wide-eyed, she looks at me. There’s no hate, anger, or bitterness in her voice. But my hands are pushing and shoving and everything is blurry. The only thought I have is how I grievously hurt her. And what happened because of that.

She avoids my flailing arms and tries to hold onto me. And I’m crying and begging forgiveness and telling her how horrible I am. That I didn’t mean to hurt her and I’m evil and bad and she deserves better.

We struggle until I fall off the bed. The hard floor slamming into my naked butt jars more than my bones. I look around the apartment, confused to find myself here.

“Max?” There’s so much warmth and love and concern in they way she says my name that I break down and cry. I’m not worth that love. A warm blanket slips around my shuddering body and I’m pulled into the soft embrace of the person who should hate me right now. But instead, she loves me and I’m hurt and don’t know what to do.

Her devastated face, hurt by my betrayal and weakness, consumes my mind and I can’t look at her. Arms gently hold me against her, though I feel foul, unworthy of being touched by her. My body shakes from the raw emotions that course through me.

“Shhh,” she whispers into my hair. “It was only a dream. I don’t hate you. You aren’t bad or evil. You are good and strong. You’re my wife and I love you dearly.” Over and over she says these words and similar, but I can’t bring myself to believe them. _I fail everyone. Chloe. William. Joyce. You._

Fingers touch me lightly on my cheek. I can’t see her through the haze that clouds my vision. The fingers brush my cheek, a lovers caress up to my hair. Then she holds me close to her breast and strokes my hair.

The fact that she willingly touches me, soothes me, finally lets the truth in. “It was a nightmare,” I choke, my throat so tight I can barely speak.

“It’s ok. You’re with me, safe,” Vic breathes and pulls me close for a kiss. Her warm embrace feels so good that I never want to leave it. In her arms, the nightmare gradually fades. My eyes seek out my right wrist, which lays naked and unscarred on the blanket. _It was only a nightmare. _Only. Probably the worst nightmare I’ve ever had.

“Hold me, please,” I beg.

And she does. She doesn’t tell me she’s already holding me. Instead, she tells me where we are. She tells me about our life together, our successes and failures. She speaks of love and friendship and more.

Gradually, I stop shaking. I’ve made a mess of our bed, blanket, and her. She doesn’t stop telling me about us. Only when my shaking is gone and my breathing returned to normal does she stop speaking. Her caresses continue. Through my hair, over my shoulders, along my back, all light touches that soothe me.

“Are you able to talk about it right now?”

“I… I hurt you… not just in my nightmare…” My weak voice shakes.

“Tell me about that.” Her words are a welcome invitation that I cannot accept.

“I…” The silence that stifles my words doesn’t dismay her as she tightens her hold on me. Fingers draw their lines on my skin in a way that connects me to life and to her.

She lifts my shoulders and whispers, “Let’s get back into bed.” The cold, hard floor under my butt is more than enough encouragement. She pulls me onto her, with my head just below her chin, and wraps the blankets around us. Our little nest of safety.

“You’ll be late for work,” I say. My eyes are closed to allow better focus on the ways I’m connected to her.

“Don’t care,” she whispers. “Starting the day with a maximum cuddle is more important.”

The last of my tension flees with those words and I melt into her embrace.

“You know what we should do?”

Soft skin under my fingers, warm and inviting, draws my hand upwards. “What should we do?”

“We should go to one of those couple’s spa days.”

My eyes flutter open and I tilt my head to look up at her. “Spa days?”

“A day of pampering, relaxing, and refocusing. No obligations or thoughts about work or family, just you and I in a peaceful place.”

“I’m in a peaceful place.”

She smiles at my words. “We have reservations this Saturday at Eternal Bliss. I was going to surprise you over dinner last night but… I had more important things on my mind.”

_Eternal Bliss!_ “Doesn’t it take months to get reservations there?”

“Maybe… Turns out one of my clients is one of its owners. She gave me a full day slot for their Angelic Couples experience.”

“Wow.” _I’ve never been to a spa. Wonder what that’s like?_

We fall into a comfortable silence. It wraps around me and keeps questions at bay. It’s an avoidance technique though and she knows it.

“Do you remember the first night we stayed together,” she asks lightly. Her fingers trail along my arm. She knows the perfect places to touch me when I need safety, comfort, and connection.

“How could I forget! You were my first girlfriend.” _Though I wish it was Chloe. _And I wince. _Evil, evil, Max!_

She smiles at my words. “The next day, I knew just how special you were. That’s when I decided I wanted to marry you.”

I tilt my head again and look at her dazzling eyes. They look at the far wall, focused on something only she can see. “That early,” I breathe. I can’t resist pulling her chin to me so I can lightly kiss it.

“When I realized I missed my morning check-in with my parents, I freaked out. You stayed with me, to help me, even though it meant missing some important tests. Even though it took more than three hours to calm me down, you stuck with me. You helped me create a plan to explain my lack of check-in, even though you didn’t understand why or how important it was. The fact it was important to me was all you needed.”

“I remember,” I say as I stroke her chin with my finger. “You hid in my closet and barred the door. I felt bad for you, cramped in that tiny space and so scared.”

“You played the guitar for me. It was when you made up that song “I’ve something in the closet”-“

“Oh, that was horrible!”

“It wasn’t to me. You helped me see life differently. You brought me out of that closet. You helped me laugh instead of panic.”

“That’s when I first began to understand what your parents did to you.”

She lifts my fingers to her lips and kisses them. “You listened without fear or judgement. You didn’t try to dismiss my fears even though you didn’t understand them. Others in my past weren’t like that. You’re different in a good way.

“And when I crawled out of that closet, your clothes strewn across me, and saw you playing the guitar… You mastered my heart as deftly as you mastered the guitar. You weren’t my first girlfriend, but I was determined you would be my last.”

Her fingers stray down and touch my chest above my heart. “Max,” she whispers cautiously. “You hurt and you’re keeping it in. When you’re ready, I’m here to listen without judgement and to help you bear this.”

I cover her hand with mine and close my eyes.

“When you hurt, I hurt.” Those words make me shudder and almost bring the tears again. They are the same words I told her when she tried to shield me from the demons she struggled with. And they help me to open myself to her now.

“I… didn’t leave all of Chloe’s things at her grave.” _Please don’t hate me._

“What did you keep?” Through her chest, I hear her heart, steady and strong. It doesn’t speed up or slow down.

“The picture I took of us in bed the morning after we broke into the Blackwell swimming pool.”

“That’s a beautiful memory. Tell me what that picture means to you.”

“Chloe… had gone through so much. That morning… In that picture, she’s happier than I’d seen her in years.” Bit by bit, I walk through the nightmare. Words spark visuals which threaten to return me to that place. There’s a burning, crawling sensation in my right wrist that demands attention. When I try to attend to it, she takes my hand away. She kisses my wrist and brushes it lightly with her thumb. My other hand she wraps in hers.

I talk about how much I miss my friend. That deep down I failed Chloe as a friend. And how part of me will always be in Arcadia Bay. And how I fear I will fail Tori, no matter what I do. My words are all over the place and I backtrack and repeat myself in an attempt to make sense because my words and thoughts are scattered and refuse to follow a logical pattern.

Through it all she gives me gentle encouragement. Sometimes a word, other times a caress. Never a harsh or cold response, never what I experienced in the nightmare. And when I’m done and empty and trembling because I still fear I hurt her and expect a harsh response, she folds me in her arms, kisses the tip of my nose and says, “Thank you for sharing that.”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

“For?”

“For not telling you sooner about the picture and… misleading you about my putting her behind me… I can never put her behind me.”

“Max… you told me now. That’s what’s important. I don’t expect you to forget about her, or give up any of your shared memories or things.”

“But… it would have destroyed us if I hadn’t shared it.”

“You don’t know that. You shared it with me now and that’s what’s important.” She kisses me lightly. “We can work on this together, just like you helped me. Now it’s my turn to help you.”

“But you already helped me so much…”

“That’s part of what love means to me, Max. To never give up on each other, as long you don’t give up on yourself. It’s the opposite of the lesson my parents tried to teach me.”

Her words warm me more than her embrace and I snuggle deeper into it. “I love you,” I whisper and kiss her shoulder. “So much.” And I kiss her jaw. “Let me show you.” And I kiss the base of her neck.

Movement in the corner of my eye draws my attention. I place small kisses across her neck and up to her chin, angling my head to see what caught my eye. Her hand caresses my hip and she purrs softly. “Show me,” she intones.

A blue butterfly rests on the edge of the futon, its wings closed. My hand slides along her arm to entangle with her fingers. My kisses descend her neck to her collarbone and lower. The butterfly takes to the air, loops a few times to alight on our joined hands.

* * *

In one moment there’s a billion billion possibilities. The next moment there is only me.

My breath catches, despite Chloe’s encouragement to breathe, as the soldiers surround us. Guns and hard faces point at us, at me and I can’t take it! My hands start fluttering as visions flood my mind. Visions of me capriciously taking life.

“No,” I moan. “No. I won’t! I can’t!”

“You aren’t that person,” Chloe whispers in my ear. Her arm is warm and tight around me, but it’s lost in my emotional turmoil. The world spins and falls away from me, my feet no longer firmly on a path.

“It’s happening,” I hear Lynn whisper and I look at her.

With a hard swallow, I manage to force out, “What’s happening?”

Her answer is to nod at the people directly opposite us. “Alignment,” she whispers. There’s a commotion in the troops and they part to let someone through.

A figure taller than the rest steps through the crowd. He stops a few feet in front of the soldiers and for a moment there are two people in the same space. The commanding soldier with his square jaw, hard face, and looming pose, and a being that defies description, all purple and shimmery which devours the light.

Then my sight adjusts and it’s only the soldier. He spits something from his mouth and grins at us as he takes off his sunglasses. It’s such a ridiculous stereotype that my fear momentarily abates and I almost laugh. What he says brings it back with a rush.

“We’ve orders,” he growls and his voice is so deep it booms. “To bring back one Max Caulfield, alive. Casualties are expected and unavoidable.” His grin widens and it reminds me of a wolf or… “Which makes this more enjoyable.”

He spits again and takes another step toward us. “Well, Max,” he says. “Or should I say ‘Max Effect’? Will you come of your own will… or” His predatory grin looms before me, shining brighter than it should. “Will you need some encouragement?”

There’s a gunshot and the earth near my feet explodes. Dirt and rocks and twigs and debris fly into the air and I stumble away from it.

“She died once and you brought her back. We can do that over and over until your power wears out. Or,” and he chuckles, “you give up and we take you away and your friends leave in peace.”

“In peace? As in dead,” Chloe throws back at him. She steps in front of me and all I can do is stand there numb. My hands still flutter and my mind is empty, except for one thought: _I don’t want anyone to die._

The commander laughs at Chloe’s bravado and partially turns to look at his troops. “She’s a smart one, isn’t she!” The soldiers join in his laughter. When he turns back his face is hard. “What do you think?”

** _It doesn’t have to end like this._ **

_No!_

** _Let me out to play and those soldiers will never bother you again._ **

_Go away!_

** _Just a moment is all it takes. It won’t even be you doing it._ **

_I won’t let you!_

Over Chloe’s shoulder a flash of blue appears. It whirls and flits and lands on the commander’s shoulder. He doesn’t notice as he barks orders to his troops. They come closer and Chloe backs into me. Her arm holds me close to her back, shielding me from them.

A growl sounds in the back of my mind accompanied with a pushing. I grab my head as it feels like it wants to split in two.

** _Let me out!_ **

_No!_

My breath is uncontrolled and shallow and my heart pounds and pounds and pounds! I grip the back of Chloe’s shirt to stop my hands, and bury my face into her. My vision isn’t completely blocked though and the bit of blue appears. The butterfly loops once and lands on my hand.

* * *

For a moment I see infinity through endless eyes. Then I’m in a ruined bathroom facing down the one who brought me here.

He steps into the bathroom, his eyes intent on me, but also not missing a thing. His white shirt is way too clean for a place like this.

“Chloe Price,” he smoothly says, with his eyes on both of us. “I heard you lost your mind. It seems the rumors were right.”

I step in between him and Max. “The only mindless person here is you,” I growl.

“You do know Max isn’t here.” He wears his arrogant smile that I want to wipe off his face. “Your friend Nathan killed her five years ago. Nosy bitch.”

His brown eyes flick between Lynn and myself. They’re the color of mud. Should be a good match for his future home six feet under.

“Do you narrate everything,” he asks with a chuckle. I ignore him, which causes his chuckle to turn into a laugh.

He moves his gaze to Lynn and he smiles. “Lynn Marsh. You look so much like your sister. I bet the camera loves you as much as it did her. I have the perfect setting for you.”

The howl sounds again, closer. It worms deep into my mind and bones and quickens my heart. An urgent need to flee claims me, but I won’t leave Max alone.

“Maybe another time,” Lynn says as she edges closer to the wall. He steps closer to us, his name on the tip of my tongue but refusing to enter the world.

He’s in my space now. His foul breath stings my eyes and nose but I don’t pull away.

“Work on your insults, little girl,” he growls.

And in that moment, I feel her.

He suddenly collapses at my feet, his body convulsing! Wires trail from him to a gun in Lynn’s hands.

“You tazed him,” I shout.

She nods in my direction and for a moment I think she wants me to do something. Then it snaps into place. There’s a hand on mine, a hand I shouldn’t be able to feel!

And I hear a voice silent for five long years and it’s too much! My heart swells with feelings unimaginable and wants to burst and break and collapse and do so much that I can’t comprehend.

“Chloe?”

And we become one.

* * *

Among the realities, the butterfly stirs; its wings slowly open and close. It walks a few cautious steps before taking to the air once again. Up, up, up it flies, its wings disturbing more than air.

A hand, clad in strange black armor, palm up, becomes a resting place.

Two hands joined together, bound by love and friendship and trust and more. The butterfly walks along them.

A hand raised to touch someone five years beyond her reach. Linked hand in hand, the butterfly opens its wings.

A face hidden from the dangers of the world. Protected by a friend sticking closer than a sister. Its tiny feet track along the arm.

And more. So many more. Infinitely more.

They are me.

They are not me.

I am nothing.

They are everything.

A soft smile. A kind and gentle person. A loving soul who gives freely of herself to better others. I took from you what I had no right to take.

A person who cares so much it hurts. Raw emotions that easily burn, and when they let you in, warms with a passion seldom seen. I didn’t give you what you deserved.

I don’t want to remember.

Memory is pain. It is fury and loud sounds and bright noises and knowledge. I’m not enough.

I never was.

But you never gave up on me, never lost faith in me. Neither of you, even though I don’t deserve that kind of trust or love.

I repaid you in failure. In loss.

What have I ever truly given you that wasn’t drenched in blood and misery and grief?

Wings flap. Time stirs.

It’s time to remember.

Time to own my mistakes and make them right.

Time to return to where it began.

Arcadia Bay was the beginning. But I shall be the end. I can do better. I will do better.

Forgive me. Please.


	20. Return

From across eternity I am called. An infinite nothingness shattered into a fractal landscape and cast across all reality. The bits and pieces move and pulse as they answer the call.

They are me.

They are not me.

They come.

Footsteps echo along the dark street. Storefronts are smashed, with glass and other debris littering the street. The pale moonlight guides me through the fallen poles, shattered buildings, and other ruin that blocks the way. I have to see, have to see what I did. I don’t doubt my choice, but that doesn’t stop the guilt and pain of heart I feel toward this place.

A different echo causes me to stop. A rock tumbling along the asphalt, or something similar. From between two buildings a shadow emerges. Tall and lean, the person approaches with an arrogant walk. There’s a squeezing in my chest as the person steps into the moonlight. A person who has pursued me throughout realities.

He smiles in that arrogant way he has. There’s more grey in his hair than before, but he still manages to make himself look stylish. It makes my stomach churn. He opens his mouth and says, “What’s up, lil hipster? Going to work, or taking the day off to spend with me?”

But the voice and words are wrong! They don’t match this monster. Blue eyes and blue hair flick through my memory, running away before I can form a name.

From a nearby doorway, another shadow steps forth. Blonde hair over blue eyes and a warm smile, she looks at me and her smile deepens.

Like the other person, her name eludes me.

I want to remember them.

I need to remember them.

But not him.

Never him.

Another person steps from the shadows, like the image that flicked through my memory. Her cocky grin pulls at me. Before I can move, another person appears. Then another. Soon there are dozens, then hundreds, then thousands of people crowding the narrow street! They press against me and demand my attention. Their voices are a roar in my head that won’t stop. More and more come. They press and jostle me in the narrow street.

But through it all, his eyes find me. They follow me. A threat. A promise. “This is your legacy.”

Light floods my eyes, painful and bright. I cry out and fling an arm across my eyes.

The moment I move the press of the bodies disappears. Pain still lances my head and breathing is difficult.

“Are you ok?”

Slowly, I lower my arm to look at the bearer of that singular voice. I struggle for my breath as I realize I’m no longer on the ruined street of Arcadia Bay. Instead I lay on my back. Over me crouch those I should remember. Those I want and need to remember. Their smiles and concerned looks capture me.

But their names won’t come. Like they’re locked away from me. In frustration I struggle both in mind and body to bring forth their names. But they fade into nothingness before I can retrieve them. A sob bursts from me as they leave.

Alone.

Always alone.

A memory flashes through my mind, vivid and potent. A shabby motel room. Clothes piled on the dresser. The two women, or girls, speaking, but I can’t hear or recall their words. Behind them, a younger woman with blonde hair looks on with half-closed eyes.

Then they’re gone, buried under a flood of memories. The images and sounds come too fast and powerful to see or understand and leave me shaking.

I push myself to a sitting position, then bury my face in my knees.

_Where am I?_

The soft hum of distant traffic and a few barking dogs tell me I’m in or near or town. But this place is so unlike what I’ve experienced. There’s a sense of incompleteness and impermanence that claws at my mind.

_What am I?_

At any moment I expect reality to shift again. But it doesn’t. Or maybe the shifts are too subtle for me to detect. I raise my head to look around.

The room mocks me with with its familiarity. As with the women, the location eludes me. Ghostly images appear and disappear as I look around. Green eyes crinkle in delight. Great purplish wolves charging. Women arguing. Women holding each other. All taunt me with the promise of knowledge and relief if I could just remember them.

But I can’t.

The appearance of the area suggests I’m in a bedroom. _Maybe one of my bedrooms? But in which life?_

The whirlwind of sound and images running rampant in my mind sweep aside the questions quicker than they can form. I bury my face in my hands. My fingers claw at my hair, pulling at large clumps as frustation and confusion mounts.

_Who am I?_

The creak of a door opening echoes throughout the house or building I’m in. My head whips up, tears streaming down my face from pulling my hair. I look at the door, a mixture of expectancy and fear charging me. Footsteps approach and I look around for a place to hide or escape. But there is nothing except the closet.

Then the door to the room moves and it’s too late to escape! I prepare myself for the unknown.

A person steps into the room, facing the other direction. They wear a heavy dark coat and blue jeans. A beanie covers their head, but I think I spy a bit of hair peeking beneath it. Blue hair and my breath catches.

Blue eyes find me across the immeasurable gulf between us. “Max!” There are things I don’t recognize in her voice, but all I focus on is the relief and excitement I hear. Another person enters the room behind her. I catch a glimpse of blonde hair before the first woman is kneeling in front of me and she is all I see.

She’s so close, kneeling within arms length. But she doesn’t touch me. Her hands raise and different emotions flit across her face. But her hands fall and she whispers the name again.

The name crashes against the whirlwind in my mind, shaping it and pushing it. From the chaos, two words emerge. Two names that describe the woman who kneel before me. Two names, and a third. Mine.

I am Max.

The blonde, Kate, is next to her. Chloe. As I think the names, a thrill runs through me. My hair stands on end and I shiver.

The look of open honesty and concern Kate gives me pulls me from the chaos that threatens to sweep me away. I reach for it with my mind, for her, for the joy and relief I see in her.

“It’s… it’s really you,” Kate breathes. “After so many false leads and mistakes…” Her hands reach toward me too, but stop like Chloe’s did. Then she covers her face and breaks into tears.

I try to move. I want to move! But I’m locked there. So close to them and my body chooses that moment to do nothing. A gulf immeasurably deep and broad separates us. A gulf of impossibility and time and circumstance. Then Chloe reaches across it to touch my hand.

For the briefest moment, I am here. Connected. Permanent. And I get a glimpse of what here is. What I made of it.

Destruction. Ruin. Grief. Pain.

The moment passes almost before it begins. Kate’s words confuse me, but my mind is a jumbled mess that refuses order.

“W-where am I,” I say haltingly.

Chloe shoots a glance at Kate, whose face is still covered. “In your old bedroom.” Her eyes return to me as she speaks. “In Seattle.” Her voice rises on each word.

_Bedroom? Seattle?_

I look again at the room. The color doesn’t look right. Although the shape of the room and placement of the closet seem familiar.

“Max.” Chloe brings my attention back to her with my name. “Will you… we… can we help you?”

_Help me?_

“I… what’s going on,” I asked.

Chloe sits back, her face unreadable. Kate’s tears dry up and she lowers her hands. She scoots closer to Chloe until they are touching.

“Max,” Kate says through sniffles. “Please don’t push us away. We want to help you. But we don’t know how.”

“I - I don’t know what you mean.”

“Bloody hell,” Chloe explodes and starts to rise. Kate’s hand on her arm stops her. I shrink back, confused and hurt by her actions. The turmoil in my mind strengths and threatens to consume me. Kate leans over and whispers in Chloe’s ear.

An image comes to me of Kate and Chloe on a couch, exchanging words of encouragement. Through the window behind them I see trees and mountain peaks.

Then I’m back in the empty room with them. Kate is speaking but I lost her words in that memory or vision or whatever. “-you ok,” she finishes.

“I-“ I begin when dark brown eyes glare at me from nowhere! A suddenness takes my heart and it’s pounding hard! “No!”_ I can’t let him get me! I have to get away!_ And I’m scrambling and crawling and twisting to get away from his horrible gaze.

An off-white wall meets my eyes. I’m in a corner, curled as tight as I can be with my face toward the wall. It’s hard to breath and all I hear is pounding.

It fades, and breathing becomes easier. But the wall doesn’t go away. There are two of them. A corner that I’m scrunched into.

“Max?”

_Chloe and Kate._

Realization filters into my mind, clawing through the maelstrom of images that shows no sign of abating. A desire to flee this place fills my heart, to find somewhere without the images. Slowly, I push myself into a sitting position, back to the wall and eyes ever alert for him.

Chloe and Kate sit several feet from me. Kate’s eyes are very wide and Chloe holds one of her hands. At the edges of my vision, reality is fuzzy and insubstantial. The way I feel. The way I am.

“Max,” Kate calmly says. “Do you know where you are?”

“Y-you said in my bedroom in Seattle.”

“Do you know who we are?”

I lick my lips, which are suddenly dry, and say, “Chloe Price and Kate Marsh.”

They both brighten at that. “Do you know what year it is,” she asks me next.

_Year?_

But my mind and thoughts are a storm that refuses to let me latch onto an item as trivial as the year. So I take my best guess. “2014?” _No. That can’t be right. And with that look from Kate…_

“It’s 2019, Max,” Chloe says shortly. “You’ve been-“ she cuts herself off by turning her head to the side.

Kate gives Chloe a hug then turns her attention to me. “It’s been five years, Max.” She crawls forward to sit close to me. Her hand raises again, hesitant, and she asks, “Is it ok if I touch you?”

A voice, Chloe’s voice yet not, speaks in my mind. “She will hold you and make you feel loved more than anything else. And there’s nothing like making her feel the same.”

“Yes,” I whisper. And her hand settles on mine.

Kate reclines in Chloe’s arms. Lynn shouts in anger and throws something. A sense of overwhelming guilt. Kate’s arms around me. A bag packed in haste. Chloe storming out of a room. A sunny day that brings pain. These scenes and more run through my mind at Kate’s touch. They move too quickly to understand.

“You left five years ago,” Kate whispers. “I’m so sorry for my part in that. We… I didn’t see the pain you were in. My own grief consumed me, and you did so much to help me it didn’t occur to me that you needed help. Until it was too late. I’m sorry, Max. Will you forgive me?”

This is wrong. So wrong. But I don’t know why.

“I…” I lick my lips again. _How do they get so dry?_ “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Shit. What the hell happened to you,” Chloe says as she stands. The door behind her opens and another person steps in. She steps to Chloe’s side, a few inches taller than her. Lynn looks at me with a flat expression.

“We need to go,” Lynn says. “The homeowners will be here any moment.”

“Max,” Kate warmly says, “will you come with us?”

A world of hidden meanings lies within Lynn’s eyes as she considers me. Slowly, I push myself to my feet, my hand sliding from Kate’s. “I…” There’s so much I should know and do and be but everything eludes me. From behind her back, Lynn produces a small rectangular package. It’s silver with blue lettering.

“I thought you might be hungry,” she whispers as she holds the package out for me.

I take a step toward her. The edges of my reality are frayed and crumbling and I don’t feel all here. For the briefest moment I am everywhere yet nowhere. A million billion fragments cast among the stars and facets of reality seeing through infinite eyes. Then I’m here, in front of Lynn Marsh who I have to look up to. She’s tall. Taller than Chloe. It’s awkward and strange and uncomfortable but I reach out and take the package.

Two words form in my mind as I look at the shiny thing. _Pop tarts._

And I remember.

But I don’t want to.

Yet, I have to.

“I don’t like pop tarts,” I whisper, my voice suddenly dry and hoarse. I hand the package back to Lynn. An odd sensation in my hand causes me to look at it. Rather than skin, I see static, a fragmenting of the realities. They run through me, pulling me apart and dissolving me. It spreads throughout me, an undoing of all that happened.

“Help me,” I whisper, frozen by the sight of my dissolution. Chloe is next to me though I never saw her move. “Help me,” I beg.

She looks at me with her quizzical eyes and tilted gaze. “What’s the matter,” she asks. I hold my hands in front of her, but she doesn’t see or know because she raises an eyebrow and frowns.

“Please,” I beg as I begin to unravel.

“Try holding her," Lynn says.

“Is that-“ Chloe begins, but I grab her before she can finish. She’s there but I’m not or mostly not and it scares me. Her arms come to rest on me, awkward and slow.

Words are spoken that I don’t know or hear. In her arms I unravel and reform many times. Each time I am someone new, someone old, someone unknown. And the voices never stop.

After what seems hours, the unraveling stops. The cracks remain, filled in by her words and touch. I continue to cling to her long after the event passes. The vivid images in my mind are pushed aside and I glimpse new memories. Or maybe they are old ones. Memories, I think, of here.

There is movement and light and darkness and more movement. Through it all, I am consumed by what I see in my memory. Devastation. Guilt. Love. Joy. Sadness and grief. Loss.

A softness clasps my hands. Warmth accompanies it, seeping into me, into my heart. The black interior of a car comes into focus. The center console is in front of me, marked by use and wear. A broken vent points at the floor.

Hands hold mine: Chloe and Kate. I sit between them. Kate is to my left and she gives me a pleasant smile when I look that direction. To my right, Chloe looks out the window. Lynn drives, occasionally glancing at me in the rearview mirror. _What secrets do you hold?_ She seems central to several events that brought me here.

“Hey,” Chloe whispers when she notices me looking around.

“Hey,” I return, my voice low and crackly.

“We had to take you with us. The homeowner returned and we had to get out fast. We looked for your clothes and stuff before we left, but… couldn’t find any.”

The words mean something, but not really to me. Now that my mind is kind of clear, the words they said earlier come into focus. _It’s 2019. That means here … I’ve been gone five years. And when I left them… _I don’t want to think about that. It’s suddenly hard to swallow and my hands want to pull away from theirs.

“I hurt you,” I whisper to no one. A bracelet, black leather and black metal studs, wraps Chloe’s wrist. It pulls my eyes, which travel up to hers. But she glances away after a moment.

“We can talk about it soon,” she mutters. Even as she speaks, the car stops moving.

We’re in the parking lot of a small cafe. Lynn turns off the engine and opens her door. She exits without a word. Kate and Chloe open their doors and a blast of frigid air hits me. The thin hoodie and t-shirt I wear are no protection against the cold.

I wrap my arms around myself and shiver as I slide out on Chloe’s side. She shuts the door and looks at me. “Come here,” she says and holds out an arm. I snuggle against her. We make our way to the front of the cafe where Lynn and Kate wait for us.

“Remember the last time we did this,” she whispers, “walked arm and arm in the cold?”

Not really, but I don’t want to tell her that. My hesitation must tell her though because she mutters a curse. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

Then we’re at the door which Lynn holds open, and we step into the warm cafe. I glance around the interior and recognize the place. It’s a small cafe I used to frequent during my Junior year in High School. The year before I returned to Arcadia Bay and Chloe. And Blackwell.

The decor is largely the same, which is comforting. Few people are present. My favorite spot is still here, and unoccupied. “Can we sit there,” I ask, pointing to a large sofa tucked into the back.

With a shrug, Chloe says, “Sure.” We make our way to the counter and order our meal. The menu is mostly the same, but my favorite vegetarian sandwich is no longer served. Instead, I make do with a salad and a pastry.

Once I place my order, I grab my cup and fill it with some of their light roast coffee. It smells and tastes like I remember. A pleasant sensation blooms within me as that realization spreads through my mind. _I remember._

Content in the pleasant feeling and comfort brought by the cafe, I make my way to the couch. Along the way I stop to study the different flyers on the local board. Most are for activism or music. One stands out to me. It promotes an exhibit by a local artist pushing the edge of various visual medium. When I read the artist’s name, I almost drop my coffee. Victoria Chase. Dazzling green eyes fill my mind.

“What are you looking at,” Kate asks and I make a surprised sound. Coffee sloshes from the hole on the lid, but thankfully doesn’t get on me. “Sorry about surprising you,” she says as she hurries to grab some napkins.

Together, we clean up the spill and toss the soiled napkins away. “I was… just looking at upcoming events,” I say.

“It looked like you were quite interested in one.” Kate sits near the middle of the couch. I take the end hidden behind a column. It’s a cozy little hiding place.

“It’s been a while since I was last here,” I say, uncertain how much I want to share. The memories of my other lives are still fragmented and raw. Sharp jabs to the heart happen each time I ponder one. “Last time most of the events were music related. Now, I see more flyers for social rights activism.”

Chloe joins us then, plopping herself on the couch beween us. In front of the couch is a long coffee table on which she places a stand with a number. Lynn seats herself in a cushy chair diagonal from me. I let my eyes fall to my coffee cup as the others settle in.

An uneasy silence falls on the group. I close my eyes and lean back. My feelings right now are a mess. Chloe’s and Kate’s presence makes me happy, and more. At the same time, when last I saw in this reality we argued. The words are fresh in my mind, but after five years, are they as fresh in theirs?

“Five years,” Chloe says. “There are so many things I want to say and ask right now.” I hear her slurp her drink. “But I think what I want to know most, Max, is: are you ok?”

_Not: where were you? Why did you leave?_

“I don’t know,” I whisper. It’s the honest truth. _Will I be here tomorrow? Will I blink and flit away to another life? There’s too much I don’t know._ Her hand takes mine, warm from her drink.

“It was strange walking into your old bedroom,” she continues. “To find you wearing the same clothes from five years ago. Dressed the same. Looking the same.”

The couch is covered in old leather, soft and pliable. I trace patterns among the cracks on the armrest. “When I … ran away,” I say but am interrupted by the arrival of our food. The server places the items on the coffee table, takes the number stand, and walks away with a smile.

I grab my salad bowl and package of plastic utensils. After I kick my shoes off, I tuck my feet underneath myself. With the salad bowl balanced on the wide arm rest, I open the utensils. Before I dive in, I mix the salad together. The dressing I leave on the side.

The first bite reminds me of why I loved coming here. Little prickles of delight run through my mouth. A little sound of joy squeaks out, which makes Chloe and Kate chuckle. “Glad to see simple things still make you happy,” Chloe says before she bites into her sandwich.

With a warm face, I take a few more bites, then proceed to play with the salad. “When I ran away,” I begin again. “I went back to Arcadia Bay.”

It looms large in my minds eye when I say that. Destroyed buildings resemble jagged teeth thrust upward from the ruined earth. Dark and foreboding in the night, each of them a witness to my crime. ‘Why!’ they seem to hiss at me. ‘Why did our people have to die?’ ‘Why did you let them die?’

“I was drawn, pulled there,” I correct myself. “I… the town consumed me. All those people dead…” The cafe disappears in a blur of colors. Only when a hand covers mine do I realize I’m shaking. With a sniff and a swipe at my eyes, I continue.

“I went back to where it started, the restroom in Blackwell.”

Brown eyes, the color of mud, leer at me. They mock me as I enter the restroom, where I set the town and its people on a oneway trip to the ground. He stands in the shadows, taunting me, cursing me, luring me onward. And then the flash.

“And I … unraveled … I don’t have a better word for it. Split into infinite fragments and spread across every … reality? I was in different times, different Maxes simultaneously. Not aware of the other mes and places except when a random _thing_ would happen and I’d be aware of being elsewhere. It’s like some times the places would overlap.”

I shake my head and look at my salad. “I’m sorry. I’m sure that doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t to me.” I spear more of the salad for another bite.

The crunch of my salad is the only sound for a while. Kate and Chloe exchange glances with each other. I try to ignore Lynn who looks only at me or her food. She’s been silent ever since the pop tarts. _Pop tarts. It’s as if she knew. _A few things click together for me and I look at Lynn.

She raises her head to give me a thin smile. A gentle shake of her head tells me No, but for what?

“So, when you ran away,” Kate slowly says, “you went back to Blackwell and then … became an infinite number of Maxes in … alternate … universes?”

I ponder her words over another bite. “That’s a better description,” I say.

“How did you get back,” Chloe asks.

I frown and glance at Lynn. Her full attention is on her food. “I’m not exactly sure,” I say. “One moment I was someone else, the next… I was in the room where you found me.”

“Need to use the restroom,” Lynn mumbles and stands up.

“I’ll join you,” I say and set my salad on the table. Quickly, I slip my shoes on, then rise and follow her. She’s a full head or more taller than me and I feel small walking behind her. The bulky winter coat no longer covers her. She wears a light red, long-sleeved pullover. With her black jeans it is a flattering outfit.

While she uses the toilet, I stand at the sink. A pale faced girl with hair that doesn’t want to obey looks back at me in the mirror. There’s no sign of whatever I experienced earlier. No cracks or transparency. But dark circles surround my eyes.

The stall door bangs open and Lynn steps to the counter. I turn, lean back against the counter and look at her. She still wears her beanie. It looks like her hair is cut short since the hat is small yet covers all of her hair.

“Do Kate or Chloe know,” I ask as she washes her hands.

She gives me an inscrutable look. “Know what,” she asks in a neutral voice.

“That you are … like me with powers.”

“I’m nothing like you. And no, they don’t know.”

She keeps her gaze focused on the sink. I don’t know how to take that response. Her voice remained neutral, but her movements are stiff and short.

The water turns off and she straightens herself. She grabs a paper towel and begins drying her hands. I step close and touch her elbow. Immediately, she spins away from me and faces the wall. “Please don’t touch me,” she says.

“Are you … mad at me?” In my mind I see her again, or at least a version of her, at the mountain cabin. “At what I did? What I took from you?”

She doesn’t answer, but stops drying her hands. “I’m sorry, Lynn,” I whisper.

“That’s not it,” she whispers. Suddenly, she squares her shoulders and looks at me. “I know you mean well,” she continues in her whisper. “But I’m not the girl from that other place that pretended to hate you. I…” She stops and fidgets with the paper towel in her hand.

“What do you see when you look at me,” she whispers.

I look at her, but don’t know what she means. “Umm, a girl who’s nervous?”

“That’s not what I see.” She looks at herself in the mirror. “There’s a lot that I’m just not comfortable sharing with you. Home is my safe place. My only safe place. If sis and Chloe knew about my abilities, I’d be a fr- it wouldn’t be a safe place anymore.”

_Was she about to say ‘freak’?_

Lynn turns to face me again. “Please don’t tell them.” Her fingers touch my arm briefly and she looks almost pleading in her request.

“I won’t, Lynn.”

She nods at my answer and moves toward the door. “Thanks.”

We walk through the cafe, back to our seats. Kate and Chloe sit close to each other, chatting quietly. Kate’s head leans against Chloe’s. “I can’t leave you alone for five minutes,” Lynn teases them as she takes her seat. Chloe and Kate glance at me, their eyes unable to meet mine.

“I-it’s ok,” I mumble as I seat myself next to Chloe. Both of them straighten up when I sit. “I’m used to seeing you two together. You were a couple in one of the other places.”

A part of me longs for that intimacy. Before I ran away, Chloe and I were close. Kate and Lynn had recently joined our little family. At least, that’s what my memories tell me.

I take a breath, close my eyes, and sink into myself. It’s confusing, jumping from place to place. All sorts of emotions and thoughts from those other people are in me. My hands itch to touch Chloe and Kate, to hold them like we did while fleeing Dr. Smith. Yet, that was different people.

And my heart throbbed with joy and excitement when I read about Victoria’s exhibit. The thoughts and feelings of the other Maxes, and even Chloe, are part of me. Mine, but not mine. But the people I’m with now, my Chloe, my Kate, they don’t know me that way. I can’t just slip myself into their life, their world like I never left. Like we’re -

“Kate, Lynn,” Chloe says, interrupting my musing, “would you mind giving Max and I time alone?”

My eyes flick open in time to see the sisters walk away. Chloe has moved to sit crosswise on the couch. Now, she leans against the back and looks at me. We sit in silence a while, she with her head on her arm, me looking at her and my knees.

“I was so fucking pissed when you left,” she whispers and I start. Her words hit me right in the heart, which drops and leaves a pit inside me. “I’m not mad anymore, just sharing how I felt then. It hurt so much to realize that I’d been selfish again, focused only on myself and ignoring the fact you needed support too.

“Kate helped me a lot. Well, Kate and Lynn. I’m not mad anymore, Max. I’m excited and happy you’re back. I … I missed you a lot.” She pauses and lets her hand stray to my shoulder. “When we got conclusive proof you’d be at your old house this morning, I wanted to drive here right away! Kate and Lynn talked me into waiting until morning. I barely slept last night, I was so excited.”

I look at her with a smile. But it’s hard to keep the smile. The yawning pit her words formed vie with the storm of uncertainty that occupies my mind. “It’s difficult to understand what you explained about being in other places,” she continues. “It’s confusing and sad, but at the same time … a relief. I-“ She cuts herself off and looks down.

“I thought we … I… lost you forever and I know I’m pushing this early and it’s really premature because you just got back and you’re confused and I’m confused but I don’t want to lose you again and …” Her torrent of words trails off, which is good because they came so fast I didn’t keep up.

“I’m glad to be here too,” I whisper. That gladness is tinged with the fear that at any moment all this will be gone. A blink and I’ll be somewhere else.

“What I’m trying to say,” she says after a deep breath. “Is, I want to help you. To support you. What we started five years ago … I want that too. But more than that, I want to help you heal. I can’t begin to imagine what you’re dealing with.”

“Thank you,” I say after a moment. “Right now, everything is so confusing. I… my memories are all jumbled up with thousands of others and it doesn’t make any sense. But there is one thing that makes sense…”

I give her the steadiest smile I can. “I want us to be close, too. You and I and … Kate.”

That makes her eyebrows go up. “Kate,” she asks, surprised.

“You two are together, right?”

She nods. “Yeah, just… I thought we’d take it slow to help you heal. You and I before we tried complicating your life with an open relationship like this.”

“In one of those other places, you and Kate were a couple and… Well, you included me in it. Just…” I look away, at my knees. There is an ink stain on the right knee. Not exactly a stain, more of a drawing. It’s a picture I drew many years ago when I was trying to distract myself. It serves the same purpose now as I trace the outline with a finger.

“I need some stability right now, Chloe. The memories and feelings of that other place, with you and Kate, are the strongest. I think I need that. One thing that makes all this so hard, is at any moment I fear all this will be gone. That I’ll be gone again.”

“Is that what was happening earlier? In your old house when you asked for help?”

I nod, eyes and finger still focused on the drawing. “I was … unraveling. I don’t feel quite here and … I’m scared I’ll never feel ‘here’ anywhere.”

There’s a moment of silence, where only the distant voices of the employees and the sounds of food preparation disturb it. Unreality lurks at the edge of my existence, seeking to whittle me away bit by bit. Chloe’s nearness and feelings radiate from her. They push at me, at my skin. But it’s welcome and I struggle to open myself to it, to let those good things consume me instead of chaos.

“Would you like a hug right now?”

I nod, the drawing is all I can see. _If I move my eyes from it, will the world cease to exist? Will I switch to another place with its own rules and relationships? Will this ever stop?_

Then her arms are around me. I close my eyes and bury my face against her. She holds me tight. Against her warmth and arms the tidal wave of chaos and fear and doubt and confusion crashes. They threaten to erode my existence, to pull me and unravel me and scatter me across the universes.

The beat of her heart sounds in my ears, a soothing song against the tempest I hear. It anchors me in this reality. The storm of chaos surrounds me and tears at me, but the circle of Chloe’s arms holds it at bay. With every fibre of my being, I want the chaos to end, to leave me alone.

And in her arms, maybe that’s possible.


	21. Steps

Chloe’s arms loosen and slide down to my waist. She doesn’t remove them and I don’t slacken my hold on her. The world still threatens to change and send me away, or at least that’s how it seems. Fingers trace up and down my back, along my spine. A soft sigh of contentment escapes my lips.

The couch moves, and then another hand rests lightly on my back. “How do you feel,” Kate asks.

_Like the world wants to send me spinning into the nether. _“Still confused,” I say and sit up. I don’t want to leave Chloe’s arms though, so I turn in them to get a better view of Kate. This leaves me reclining against Chloe, with her arms around my waist and my hands in my lap. It feels right.

Kate is perched on the armrest, a warm smile on her face. She reaches out and takes one of my hands in hers. “Do you want to stay here longer, or take your food to go?” Her voice is pleasant and soothing.

I look up at Chloe, my head resting against her shoulder. “I’d love to stay here forever,” I whisper. From the corner of my eye I see Kate smile.

She giggles and says, “I know that feeling.”

“Question for you,” Chloe asks. “Would you like to see your parents?”

_My parents? _Max’s fake parents come to mind. They were eerily similar to my parents. “How are they?”

“Well, they’d love to see you, I’m sure,” Chloe replies. “They live in Portland now. When you disappeared it devastated them. They used their time and money on investigator after investigator looking for you. Tore through their savings and had to sell their house here. They moved to Portland to be close to us.”

“My disappearance really fucked everyone up.” It’s hard to fight the gnawing sensation inside that Chloe’s words sparked. Now I feel responsible for my parents losing their money. Kate takes my other hand in hers to prevent it from picking at my pants.

“I wouldn’t say that,” Kate says. Her thumbs caress the back of my hands. “It brought Chloe and I together. That’s not justification for your absence. Don’t beat yourself up for what other people do.”

“Even though I gave them the reason?”

She doesn’t answer that for a few moments. “Would you like to see them?”

“Y-yes!”

She smiles and leans close. “Then let’s go see them!” She leans back and pulls on my hands. We rise together, almost nose to nose. “They miss you,” she whispers. “It will make their day, probably their year for you to go see them.”

Chloe bumps into me as she stands. “I’ll get a box for your food, Max,” she says then wanders toward the front. Kate drops my hands and steps away.

Lynn has started cleaning our mess and Kate joins her. Shortly, Chloe returns with containers for my salad and pastry. It takes only a few moments to box up my food. I stack the boxes, then take the trash to a bin.

“We’ll take you to a store to get you a coat,” Chloe says as she pauses next to me. “Your parents have most of your clothes. We can pick up more while we’re there.”

_My parents kept all my clothes, even though I disappeared five years ago?_ That notion strikes me as odd. “Ok,” I say. She continues walking and I notice she has my food containers.

“See you in the car,” Kate says as she exits the cafe.

“Coming!” But I’m distracted again by the display of local artists and activities. The flyer with Victoria’s name pulls my eyes to it.

“I know where she lives,” Lynn says, startling me.

“Eep! Don’t sneak up on me,” I protest.

“Sorry. If you’d like, I can take you to see her.”

“I don’t know. We don’t really know each other here.”

“You’re worried about her though.” Lynn’s words make me realize that I’m touching Victoria’s name on the poster.

“I’m worried that she has the same past, the same secrets my… the other Victoria had,” I whisper. “If she does … who supports her? Has she broken free of her parents and their control?”

She doesn’t reply to my questions.

“Take me to her, please,” I ask. I turn and look up at Lynn. Her expression is unreadable, but I notice her eyes are focused on me, not the flyer.

“Ok,” she says. Then, she turns and walks toward the door. It opens before she reaches it and Chloe steps in.

“Silly me,” Chloe says with a smile. “I left you in here without a coat. Come on!” She holds open her large winter coat. I walk over and look at her for a moment. Our reconnecting quickly seems unreal.

The bulky coat folds over me as I slip my arm around Chloe. Between her and the jacket, I’m toasty warm. We exit into the cold air and awkwardly walk to the car. Our out of sync steps make me laugh. She opens the car door and I move as fast as I can from her coat to the cold car interior. At least there’s no wind inside.

Lynn starts the car, Chloe hops in and closes the door. Then we’re moving and Chloe’s moving too. She takes her coat off and drapes it over the two of us. “Tell me,” I slowly say as the car moves into traffic, “what’s happened while I was gone.”

“Is there anything you want to know,” Kate asks.

“Tell me,” I slowly say. My mind is whirling, both with the endless lives that refuse to stay quiet, and the wonder about here. “About you. I… My memories of us and what happened after the storm are hard to find.”

Kate leans forward, looks at me, looks at Chloe, then says, “do you remember Lynn and I coming to live with you two?”

“Kind of? It’s a bit hazy.”

“After the storm, we kind of wandered all over southern Oregon,” Chloe chimes in. “Staying at shitty hotels and just trying to … figure things out.”

“Apparently,” Kate adds, “that’s when your trauma from the storm surfaced, but you didn’t know that’s what it was.”

“I was still fucked up over Rachel’s death and very demanding about you trying to bring her back,” Chloe says. “You tried a few times, but failed at it, which fucked you up worse. Only I was too caught up in my own grief to recognize it.”

“Wait,” I say. “I tried bringing back Rachel? What do you mean?”

“Your photo jumping thing,” Chloe says. “You used that to jump back in time and change events so Rachel wouldn’t go to the Vortex party that night. But no matter what you did, she went and…” Chloe falls silent then. The ticking from the turn indicator sets a strange background theme for the silence.

Images stir in my mind. Scenes of me using various photos to find the one that would work. Frustration and desperation that mounts as each one fails, driving me closer to a tipping point.

“You tried so hard to make it work and … I was completely unthankful,” Chloe whispers. “I treated you like shit, Max. I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that treatment. I think if you hadn’t also been struggling with guilt over the storm, you would have called me out on my behavior.”

The maelstrom inside surges in strength as the memories surface. _Failure. All I am is a failure! I couldn’t even do one thing to save someone!_ There’s a burning in my wrist that begs to be scratched. I screw my eyes shut as I struggle not to give in to the urge. “Can you tell me about after you joined us,” I say in a tight voice.

“You ok,” Chloe asks. I shake my head.

“I… I can’t deal with that part now.”

The blinker sounds again in the silence after my words. The hum of the car thrums through me. A hand takes mine, fingers folding over it. “Sorry,” Chloe whispers.

“H-how about we talk about something else,” Kate says.

“Tell me,” I begin, but stop. We’re pulling into the parking lot of an apartment complex, one I recognize.

“Where are we,” Chloe asks as Lynn pulls into a parking spot.

Lynn turns off the engine, but makes no move. Before us looms the building that Vic and I lived in. At least in another place. The fact it exists here, so familiar, sends little shivers through me.

“I’m…” Words escape me because we haven’t talked about this, not in detail at least. “You remember how I knew, or guessed, that you and Kate were together,” I ask Chloe.

“Because that’s how one of your others lives was?”

“Yes. This is … similar to that.” I’m loathe to speak freely, to tell them what I’m really doing. But at the same time, I have a need to be honest with them.

“In one of the other lives,” I whisper, “I was married to someone. For five years. We went through a lot of shit together, supported each other through it all. I’m here… Gah! This probably won’t make sense!” In frustration, I press the heels of my hands against my forehead. The words to describe what I need to do, what I want to do, won’t come.

Chloe’s coat has fallen off me and I lean forward to rest my elbows on my knees. A hand touches my shoulder.

“Who were you married to,” Kate asks.

“Victoria Chase.”

It seems like the warmth is sapped from the car at her name. I shiver and look at Chloe. “In that reality Max … I … she chose to save Arcadia Bay. She and Max got into a fight late in the school year where Victoria let some information about herself slip. Max used that moment to help Victoria.”

“Like when you warned her here?” Chloe is very careful about her words and voice. She doesn’t meet my eyes when I look at her, and there is a set to her jaw.

“Kind of, but more than that. Her background, at least in that place, was horrible. If Victoria here shares any of that background … I have to try to help her!”

Neither of them say anything after that. Kate’s hand remains on my shoulder. I cover my face with my hands as I try to sort things out. The constant confusion in my mind persists. _I hope that goes away soon._

“Well… you better go see if she’s ok,” Chloe says stiffly. I look at her surprised.

“Are you ok with me doing this?”

The question causes her to let out a long breath. “Victoria and I have some history,” she says, “and yeah it’s hella weird to think of you being married to her! But.” She looks at me know, her face smoothing into a smile.

“You are there for people. For your friends. Like you were for me five years ago. Go check on her, Max. We’ll be here waiting for you.”

With those words, Kate opens the door and gets out. I follow her, shiver for a moment then give Kate a quick smile. She opens her mouth, but I shake my head and hurry toward the building entrance. Behind me, the car door closes and I wonder if it has other meaning.

It’s strange walking into the building. The interior is like, yet unlike, the one where Vic and I lived… live. With a shake of my head, I clear those thoughts. _I can’t let wishful thinking and nostalgia distract me._ I make my way upstairs to our… her apartment.

Before I knock, I hesitate. _Why am I here? What’s the point of telling her I know her past? Isn’t it best that I leave things alone? She’s probably not home._ I stand before her door, all sorts of thoughts running through my head. I can’t deny that a part of that life lingers in me. I want the best for her, but is this the way to do it?

“Maxine Caulfield,” comes a surprised, but chilly voice behind me.

I turn to find Victoria Chase behind me. _Damn, but she’s gorgeous! _Her green eyes match the green of her button down shirt. She wears form fitting black slacks that flare at the bottom and look expensive. A black coat, opened in the front, covers her. A burning knot forms in me as I look at my wife… no! At Victoria. All my words disappear as I gaze at her.

“What brings hipster girl to my apartment,” she says, hand on one hip. Several gold bracelets dangle from her wrist. Her left hand gestures at me and I catch a glitter on one finger. A pit forms in my stomach. My fingers begin to play with the zipper pull on my hoodie.

“Hey, Tori,” comes another voice, one I don’t recognize. “I didn’t know we were expecting company.” From the stairs comes a woman with a tan and a bright blue wrap around the top of her head. She’s also dressed rather elegantly with a blue blouse covered by subtle blue designs, and a black skirt that goes to mid thigh. A long coat hangs over one arm. My eyes dart to her left hand, where I spy another glitter. The pit deepens and pulls at me.

“Hi… uh, Victoria,” I say as she brushes past me. “I was… uh, in the area and thought I’d drop by and… say hi.” _That sounds so bad!_ All the enthusiasm and confidence that filled me earlier, flees in the face of reality.

“Oh, Maxine isn’t company,” Victoria says and something in me perks up. “She’s one of those loser selfie-obsessed girls I met at Blackwell.” The good feeling dies and a heaviness takes its place. _Remember this was how she treated you before. It’s her protection._

“Are you one of those Instagram Influencers now, Maxine?”

“It’s… uh… it’s Max, never Maxine-”

“Oh that’s right. You know, once Blackwell was destroyed I tried really hard to forget all about you people.”

“Is… who’s your friend,” I make myself say. My face burns and I should leave, but I can’t.

“Friend,” the lady mocks me. “Wife.” She says the last with a smile. It’s greeted by a matching smile from Victoria, but not like the special one she used to give me. _She’s not a bad person! This is a different life for her. She doesn’t know, and you never had the opportunity to get past her guard. Keep trying!_

“That’s great,” I say though my voice doesn’t agree. “I’m glad you found happiness… you know… after all the shit that happened at Blackwell.”

_Am I imagining it? Did her face soften when I mentioned that?_

“Yeah, that was some shit,” Victoria murmurs. Her eyes focus on something only she can see. “And you did try to warn me about it. Too bad it was about the wrong person!”

Her eyes shift to me, totally focused and face hard. “You’ve said your hello, now what?” Behind her, her wife stands studiously ignoring me. _She never introduced us. Weird._

“Well… I uh, thought I’d…” My anxiety is back and it takes all I have not to rub my neck or do another nervous habit. I can’t stop my fingers from picking at my pants seam though. “Let you know if you ever needed someone to talk to… I’m-”

“Excuse me,” her wife interrupts, “that’s what I’m here for!” I’m surprised the hideous hall carpet isn’t soaked by the venom that drips from her words.

I decide to ignore her. A sudden thought of the coffee shop gives me new courage. “I saw that you have your own exhibit,” I say as pleasantly as I can. “That’s awesome! Congratulations!”

Victoria looks at me suspiciously. “There was never any doubt,” she says, but her tone lacks its usual snobbiness such a statement should have.

“And I’m really happy you’re married! Your wife is beautiful.”

“Ok,” Victoria says, her tone now flat. “What do you want?”

“Th-that’s it!” Protest seeps into my voice.

“You came all the way from Hipsterville to congratulate me?”

“Let’s leave this loser trash behind,” her wife says and turns to unlock the door.

_I’m losing my chance!_

Desperation fills me as I hear the lock click open. I step close to Vic and whisper, “I hope she makes mornings safe for you.”

A stony silence settles into the hall as I back away. The blood drains from Vic’s face as she studies me. Behind her, the apartment door opens. Her wife steps into my space. “You’re no longer welcome here,” she hisses. “Leave, before I call the police.”

She takes Vic by the arm and moves her into the apartment, but Vic never stops looking at me. Her face betrays nothing though her mouth is trying to say something. Maybe it’s my imagination or hope or delusion but I could swear she mouths the word help. Or maybe it’s the word ‘how’. Or maybe, I’m delusional and she’s not doing anything like that.

I wave goodbye, ignoring the yawning pit in my stomach. With heavy heart I turn to leave. A spike of fear and sadness shoots through me and I find myself running. The hall blurs into a mess and I slam my shoulder into the stairwell doorframe.

The pain clears my vision and I find myself staring at the ceiling. Nearby, a cruel laugh echoes then is cut off by the slam of a door.

_My poor Tori…_

Her response to my statement about mornings being safe was enough to tell me this Victoria suffered at the hands of her parents like mine did. No, not mine, another Max. But to my heart that’s an insignificant detail.

My shoulder hurts, but not as much as my heart. I push myself to my feet and glance once more at the apartment door. In another life it promised sanctuary, love, and friendship. Does it promise the same to her here?

I flee down the stairs, barely able to stay on my feet. Images conjured by my shared memory chase me, relentless in their horror and cruelty. Thankfully I don’t hurt myself anymore, though I want to be. I want to take her pain and make it my own.

The door to the parking lot looms before me, but I can’t go through it. Not after that. There’s no way I can face Chloe and Kate and their obvious love for each other with the doubt and fear in mine.

Instead, with my sight still a mess, though I keep wiping my face, I make my way to the other door and let myself out. A curved sidewalk connects the buildings with a path that winds through trees and shrubs and small lawns. I step into the cold and follow it to a secluded place, one I’d frequently go to when I lived here. A place other tenants never went to.

Only it’s occupied. I round the last corner, my hands wiping tears and snot from my face, when I enter what should be a quiet, private place. Small shakes occasionally wrack my body, suppressed sobs that I don’t let into the world. I stop a couple of feet from my bench.

“Of, course you’re here.” There’s no way I can disguise my broken voice. Nor the mess of my face.

“Have a seat,” Lynn says and pats the bench next to her.

I groan and seat myself. When I do that, she plops a wad of tissues on my lap. We sit in silence, broken only by my suppressed sobs and the blowing of my nose.

“Did… did you know that would happen,” I say between sobs and hiccups. “No, don’t answer that. I… I don’t want to know and I don’t want to ruin another friendship.”

“Friendship.” The word is bitter the way she says it.

“You know what I mean,” I mutter.

She hands me another wad of tissues once I’ve used up all of the first. “It may turn out different than you think,” she says, her eyes focused on the small spruce trees opposite us. “Give it time. Once the pain has passed… you may be surprised.”

“Shouldn’t you be telling me to focus more on your sister and Chloe?”

For some reason that brings a faint smile to her. “In that other place, the three of you were rather cute. Although, you were the cutest, with your memory loss. So innocent in many ways.”

I nod, my mind still a bit numb by the encounter with Vic and her wife. Across from me, the blueish needles of the spruce trees sway in the wind. They are a pleasing contrast with the dark fence behind them. _I wish I were a tree._ _None of these… complications._ _So much simpler, easier._

A great weight rests in my stomach, and it pulls all my insides into a knot. It makes the emptiness where my heart should be greater, more poignant. _Today is a day of fuck ups!_ Neither the knot, nor the emptiness seem like they’ll go away soon. _Back for a few hours and you’re already screwing up everything! Did you learn anything, Caulfield?_

A sense of loneliness sweeps through me. There are so many things that happened when I was scattered across time; strange and wonderful things, sad things. _How can I share them with Chloe or Kate without feeling guilty?_

“Give Chloe and sis a chance,” Lynn whispers, as if she can read my mind. _Maybe she can?_ “Learning you were married to Vic I’m sure was hard. Especially for Chloe. But right now, you need friends. Your cracks aren’t healed, they’re just below the surface if you know how to look.”

Her words strike true. _Maybe if I hadn’t wanted to see Vic, all this confusion inside would finally settle down. But no. I had to go stir things up._ I look at my hands, seeking sign of the cracks she mentioned. They rest below the surface and at the edge of my vision. Faint lines, fuzzy and indistinct. I feel them too, in the way reality seems off-kilter. Or maybe it’s me that’s off-balance.

“I-I thought they’d be angry at me,” I whisper. “At how I left them. Instead of that, they took me in. It seems so… unreal. All of this seems… How can I be sure this is real? That this is where I belong? That this is home?”

“Oh, hell Chloe was angry at first,” Lynn says. “When you left us in that shitty hotel room I thought Chloe would tear the place down.”

All I can do is nod. I’m cold and shivery and snotty with tears dried on my face and all I want to do is cry some more. A large jacket plops itself over my shoulders. “Thanks,” I murmur as I pull it around myself.

Lynn pulls her long sleeves down and hooks her thumbs through slits in the cuffs. _I need to get myself a shirt like that! _“She was hella pissed when you left like that,” she says. “I think… I think if she and sis had not become friends and more, you would have returned to a very angry Chloe.

“As it is, yeah, she’s trying too hard. But that’s because of sis and… you. Kate helped her work through her anger a couple of years ago. Being big sis for me helped too.” Again there’s a smile on her face. It sparks a memory.

“Do you remember when we were on the road with Ethel,” I say as I hold her jacket tight to me, “after the… Doctor… at the cabin… We had dinner in that cafe, I ran out and Kate followed me. She brought me back and we walked in holding hands. Chloe whispered something to you and you both laughed. What did Chloe say to you?”

Lynn laughs, and it’s a beautiful thing like her sisters. “No way in hell I’m sharing that with you.”

“Can’t blame me for trying,” I say. My composure is mostly normal now, but I’m not ready to return to the car, to them.

“How did you… get them here without telling them about yourself?”

Her shoe kicks the ground and she wraps her arms around herself. _I bet she is cold._

“Over the last few weeks, I made a series of really bad clues that I planted around the house and where they work. I even hijacked Kate’s phone so some of the sites she visited would contain dummy articles that led them here.”

I’m pretty sure my jaw is on the ground as I look at her. “Wow,” I enthuse, “you hijacked her phone?”

She shrugs and tries to downplay it but she can’t hide the satisfaction my praise brings her. “Well, it’s easier than it sounds. She uses an older Android phone which I was able to root. Once I did that it was pretty easy to install the necessary software so I could inject the content I wanted.” The smile in her voice matches the one on her face and I see Lynn in a way I never have: genuinely happy.

_I have no idea what any of that means._

“Easy for you,” I say, and give her a friendly bop on the shoulder. “I wouldn’t know where to start, let alone even think of doing something like that!”

Lynn ducks her head, letting her blonde hair flow around her face and hide it from view. Not before I see the pink of a blush and a bright smile on her face. “Thanks,” she whispers and clasps her hands between her knees.

We sit in silence longer and I edge closer to her, sure she’s cold without her jacket. The wind doesn’t get to us in this nook, but the air is cold enough without it. I sit next to her, eyes studying the yellowed grass when I realize the churn and turmoil within has calmed. No longer a threat to consume me, now it’s more a vague unease.

After several more minutes, she stands and stretches. “We should go,” she says with her arms wide in the air. “Sis is worrying and she won’t be able to keep Chloe in the car much longer.”

I join her on my feet in a stretch. “I need to wash my face,” I say as I stuff the tissues into my pants pocket. _Ugh, stupid small pockets!_ The tissues make huge lumps on each side, and bits of white stick out of them. Before we leave, I slip off her jacket and hold it out to her. “Thanks for the jacket.”

She takes the jacket and there’s a strange light in her eyes as she puts it on. I could swear that she sniffs the collar. “We should stop at a thrift store to find you some clothes,” she says.

We turn and walk back to the apartment building, she a close step behind. “What is our plan?”

“Sis and Chloe planned on finding you and taking you home, if you were willing. They don’t know anything else. I figured we have a few days before you need to… do what you need to do.”

“And what is that?”

“I don’t know. Something in Arcadia Bay.”

Dead eyes look at me from bodies broken and twisted. They lay among ruins; detritus of the storm. The eyes bore into me, through all my defenses. ‘You did this to us!’ They hiss in broken voices. A touch to my shoulder shatters the vision.

“Sorry,” Lynn murmurs.

A question I wrestled with in another life comes to mind, unanswered like it was then: what am I?

The apartment building hallway is empty, but warm, as we make our way to the front entry. Before we exit, I pause at the stairs and glance up. “You wondering if she’ll be ok,” Lynn asks.

My fingers tap the door handle. “I’m worried about her. I want to believe that she’s ok, that her wife supports her and that she was able to break free of her parents. But… I doubt that happened. She’s alone. Trapped in a world she didn’t choose and doesn’t know how to break free. I fear my visit may have made things worse for her.”

“Go get in the car,” Lynn says and opens the stairwell door. “I have an idea.”

I watch the door close behind her and wonder about this strange girl. Full of mystery and anger and hate, yet oddly helpful and caring in her own way. I reflect on our different interactions across different lives as I exit the building and return to the car.

Kate sees me approach and gets out. “Where’s Lynn,” she asks as I pass her.

“She’ll be along in a moment,” I say as I slide into the back seat next to Chloe. Kate gets in and shuts the door. We sit there in silence for a few minutes before Chloe clears her throat.

“How’d it go?” There’s a form of warmth in her voice that touches me. She’s trying and I don’t want to let that go. I put on my seat belt and lean back.

“I think I made a mess of it,” I admit. I trap my hands between my knees and look at the car. The floor needs vacuumed. Dried mud and bits of paper cling to the black carpet. “But I’m sure she has a similar background as my… the Vic from that other place.”

Silence falls on us after my words, made heaby by my almost reference to Vic as ‘my Vic.’ The front seats have red t-shirt style covers on them, complete with fake sleeves.

“Is that a good, or bad thing,” Kate nervously asks.

“Bad,” I whisper. “Her background … no one deserves that.”

The front door opens and Lynn joins us. She starts the car without a word and we leave the apartment parking lot.

“So, uh… you and Vic were… married?” Curiosity and other emotions layer Chloe’s voice into discordance.

“Yes.” I focus on the ink drawing on my knee.

“What was that like?”

“What do you mean?”

“She wasn’t the nicest person. You are. How the fuck did the two of you get along?”

“Like I said, near the end of the school year, Victoria and I got into a fight and the things we said to each other… hurt. In our anger, she said some things that made me stop and… see her differently. She’s not a bad person. What we see, what she lets us see, is her protection so she doesn’t get hurt.”

There are no questions or comments after that. Lynn drives through the streets of Seattle, eventually taking us onto the freeway south. We drive south through mid-day traffic.

“This day has been a surprise for all of us,” Kate says gently as the city begins fading into suburbia. “We can certainly be thankful to have our friend back with us.” She gives me a smile. “I’m so happy you’re back, Max.”

“Thanks,” I say, not sure what I’m supposed to do with what she said. More silence follows.

“So…” Chloe’s voice is low and hesitant. “In another time or place, you chose to save Arcadia Bay?”

With a sigh, I say, “Yes. You were… quite convincing. Near the end…” I have to blink rapidly to keep composure as I think about Vic and I together in bed, the nightmare, and the class reunion. An itch flares in my right wrist.

“You were there, too,” I say with a look at Kate. “You were married to a pleasant man and had two kids.”

Kate’s eyes grow big and she says, “Kids?”

“A boy and a girl.”

“How many lives did you live?” Chloe’s voice is edged with wonder and curiosity, a welcome change.

I begin to tick them off, “Most of them are kind of a blur, only a few really stand out: a Max who lost her memory, the Max married to Vic, a Max stuck in a VR simulation, and… you.”

“What do you mean ‘you’?”

“In one of them, I jumped between you and Nathan when he shot you in the bathroom. Somehow I… became you although I was also myself. It was so weird and it messed with your mind.”

“Messed with my mind? How?”

Seattle has disappeared behind us while we spoke and I take a moment to enjoy the rural setting outside the car. “You could see me. You spoke to me constantly, even though you were the only one who could see me.” My eyes wander to Lynn. _But you knew where I was, didn’t you. _“You narrated everything you did. What you saw, every action, every thought, you narrated it. It was… really sad. You missed me a lot and couldn’t believe I’d come from nowhere and take a bullet for you.”

No words follow my explanation and I’m allowed to let my mind fix on the trees and open plains that speed by. “Is it ok that I hold your hand,” Kate whispers. I nod in agreement and she takes up my hand and pulls it to her lap.

“How did you, I don’t know, make sense of it all,” Kate says. “It sounds like you lived several lives at the same time.”

“I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense to me now. My thoughts and memories and feelings are all jumbled up. They’ve overwhelmed me more than once. It’s only recently they’ve begun to settle down. I don’t feel as overrun by them right now.”

Chloe looks out the window, her body stiff and closed. She sits with her chin in hand, face turned away. When I touch the hand on her lap, she moves it away from me.

“What are you thinking about,” I prompt, but she doesn’t answer.

We drive in silence, with my hand in Kate’s, for several miles. Sleep begins weighing my eyelids and I find my head too heavy to hold up. “Here,” Kate says and pulls me toward her. “You can lean on me.”

She snuggles me against her side and leans my head on her shoulder. It’s a little uncomfortable, but the sudden sleepiness has me in a state where I don’t care. Before I know it, I’m fast asleep.

* * *

I am not here or there.

And they know I am not. And they miss me.

Voices call my name, pleading. “Come back!”

What answer shall I give when I have none?

* * *

Forested hills holding the day’s ending shadows sweep by as we drive south. Soft music plays on the radio. From the earbuds in Chloe’s ears comes the tinny sound of hard, fast music. A farm game is on Kate’s phone and I watch her plant crops then fish in the little pond near her house. I raise my head from Kate’s shoulder and look around.

“Got another hour to go,” Lynn says when she catches my eye in the mirror.

“Did the sleep help,” Kate asks without looking away from her phone.

“Well, I’m no longer tired,” I say and stretch. Stuck in a car for multiple hours is not my idea of fun, and sleeping in one is even worse. I’d rather be outside among the trees and hills exploring.

We drive a few miles in silence before I speak again. “We’re going to my parents, right?”

“Yeah,” Lynn answers. “When we left this morning, I didn’t tell them what we were doing, only that we’d likely be gone all day.”

I look between the sisters. “What are you talking about?”

“They live close to us in Portland,” Kate says. “They wanted to be close to people that were part of your life. And it’s been a good thing. For all of us.” In the mirror, I see Lynn roll her eyes, but she smiles.

The untamed landscape gradually transforms into homesteads and then suburbia as we near Portland. Not far into the sprawl, we leave the highway and begin winding through secondary roads and then into neighborhoods.

Chloe pulls her earbuds out, stops her music, and wraps the wires around her fingers. “Headed to see Mr. and Mrs. C,” she asks.

“This will be exciting,” Kate says. She leans forward to look across me at Chloe. “They haven’t seen their daughter in five years!”

Chloe nods and says, “You should know, they’ve changed some, Max.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your disappearance hit them really hard. It devastated them. Both of them aged quite a bit. They were obsessed with finding you. When they moved close to us, they… calmed down a bit. But their hunt for you never stopped.”

“We became kind of their adopted kids,” Kate says. “Which helped them a lot.”

Lynn slows the car and parks in front of a small house with a tiny detached garage. The driveway is gravel and contains a small older model car. “Is this where they live,” I ask as she turns off the engine. The car is unfamiliar.

“Yes,” Kate says. “Do you want us to go up with you? Come up later?

I look at the house, small, clean, and neat with its tiny yard. There is no porch, unlike their Seattle house. A strange sensation churns in my stomach. “I guess, come with me?”

“Are you sure?”

I nod and say, “Yes. It’s going to be awkward and having the three of you there will help.”

“Ok, then.” Kate opens the door and steps into the empty street. The rest of us follow. There is no fence or anything to separate the front lawn from the sidewalk. We walk up the crumbling path to the door and I am traversing more than a simple path.

Each step pulls memories from my lives to the front of my mind. A Max who lost her parents because she mistreated them. A Max who was close them, who helped her pull Vic from an evil end. A Max who likely lost them to a strange invasion. More and more memories pile into my mind with their emotions and expectations and suddenly I want the path to be a hundred miles long. I need time to understand myself and this reality. But the door looms before me with the doorbell next to it. I hesitate a moment and look at my friends, then push the button.

From deep within the house I hear the bell chime. After a moment I hear approaching footsteps. My hands creep up and grab my upper arms as the door rattles.

The door opens and a man who wears my father’s face, but is not my father, looks at us. The brown hair is replaced by gray and the beard is gone. Lines crease his face, pulling it into a frown. He looks at me, his brown eyes dull and flat. Slowly, a light sparks in them and his hand falls from the door.

I give a nervous little wave and say, “Hi, dad?”

“Max? Is it really you?” His voice, normally so deep and strong, is weak and broken.

It’s my father, aged beyond his years. I hear it in his voice and see it in the way he stands. At the sight of me, he straightens to his full height, takes a step forward, and says my name again. This time his full baritone, rich and deep, is present as he bellows my name. “Max! Vanessa! It’s Max!”

He wraps me in a hug and I grab his thin frame with my arms.

“It’s me, dad,” I say, and my voice is the sound of broken dreams and lost opportunities. “It’s your Max.”


	22. Parents

Dad lifts me off my feet in his hug. He may not be as big as he once was, but he’s still got much of his strength. Over his shoulder I see my mom enter the hall and my heart breaks. Her once vibrant hair is dull, limp, and grey.

Vanessa stands in the entrance, clearly not believing what she sees. Somehow I manage to squirm from my dad’s arms. I drop to the floor and run to her. Mom’s hand is over her mouth and her eyes grow huge as I run down the short hall.

I’m inches away from her when Vanessa collapses to her knees. Her shoulders shake and her face is wet as her hands reach for me. “Is it really you,” she asks and her voice is a battle between fear and joy.

I drop to my knees and look at my mom’s worry lined face. Tingles and shivers pass over me as I take her hands into mine. “It’s really me, mom,” I whisper. And suddenly she’s clinging to me with a grip so tight nothing can break it. And she’s crying and shaking and saying my name and other words but her emotions are too powerful for them to make any sense.

Arms wrap around both of us. Dad came up from behind and holds us as we kneel on the floor.

As for me, my heart is heavy and I’m doing my best not to blame myself for my parent’s condition. But it’s hard, oh wow is it hard! In the midst of my heart beating me up I realize I don’t have words to tell them when they ask where I was.

Mom and dad weren’t very affectionate as I grew up. While I got plenty of hugs from William and Joyce, I received considerably less from my own parents. They seem intent on making up for it now with their words and the long, warm group hug they hold me in.

Even when mom finally pushes away to look at me, her fingers tracing my face like she’s never seen it before, that only lasts a few seconds then it’s back into a hug.

After what seems like an hour, but is probably only a few minutes, we stand, hands linked, and look at each other. It’s painful to see how much both of them aged in the five years I was gone. _More like six, since I didn’t come home at all that first year._

“W-would you like some tea,” mom asks, clearly uncertain what to say.

“Yes, mom, I would. And my friends likely want some too,” I say.

“Don’t worry about the tea Mrs. Caulfield,” Kate says, “we’ll get it and some snacks ready. The three of you have a lot of catching up to do.”

_Oh, no! I don’t know what to say!_ I try to give any of them a look, but Chloe and Lynn either don’t understand or simply ignore it as they follow Kate into the kitchen.

“Come sit down,” dad says and leads us to the family room.

The room is sparsely furnished, with a small couch, two recliners, and a coffee table. The chairs are all smokey grey, a dark contrast against the light colored walls. No wallpaper, thankfully. I still recall the hideous floral wallpaper in our living room in Arcadia Bay. Dark colors that made the room feel small and oppressive.

A flat screen tv is attached to the wall with a few devices on a shelf below it. A reading lamp behind one of the recliners, with a small table next to it, completes the room.

We sit on the couch, me in between them. Mom holds my hands and stares at me.

“So… uh,” I say, my mind whirling as I seek something, anything to say. “How are you?”

“Where… where were you,” my mom whispers.

_Scattered across the cosmos in multiple realities._

“Oh… here and there.”

“Why… why didn’t you contact us,” dad asks. There’s hurt in his voice that he doesn’t try to mask. _Because I didn’t even know I was gone. I didn’t know I was sundered._

“I-I couldn’t.”

Mom’s eyes become even bigger. “Were you kidnapped? Are you alright? Do you need to go to the police? Or the hospital?”

Right about now I realize I should have discussed this with the others. I don’t know what to tell my parents. I will not lie to them, but right now my words are evasive.

“I’m ok, mom,” I say and pull a hand free from her grasp to rest on her shoulder. “It’s hard to explain. I wasn’t kidnapped, I… just wasn’t in a place where I could call.”

“That’s true, Mrs. C,” Chloe says from the family room entrance. _Oh, Chloe, I could hug you right now!_

“Max left her phone with me when she left. She didn’t have money or the means to get a new one, or to contact us.” She wanders close to us and, likely not wanting to intrude, sits cross-legged on the floor.

Lynn wanders in with a plate covered in crackers, cheese, and cookies. She brings the plate to us and I grab a handful from it. Mom and dad grab some snacks too.

“But… where were you,” mom asks again as Lynn sits in a recliner with the plate balanced on her knees.

“Where did you find her,” my dad asks Chloe. That seems to distract mom who turns her attention to her.

Chloe examines a cookie I didn’t see her grab from the plate. It’s chocolate chip and she turns it over and over in her fingers. “We got a tip that suggested Max was in Seattle. The three of us went on a search and found her.”

She crams the entire cookie into her mouth and gives my parents a chocolatey smile.

“You were in Seattle all this time?” The hurt in my mom’s voice shoots straight to my heart.

_I can’t do this to them. Not anymore._

I glance from my mom to Chloe to Lynn, then back at my knees. Very carefully I pull my other hand from my mom and lay both of them on my lap. “You deserve the truth,” I whisper. My finger traces the ink lines on my knee again. The other hand twitches, insistent on being busy too.

“All of you.” My gaze returns to Chloe, mouth busy with the cookie. “But I want to wait for Kate.”

We sit in an awkward silence for a few minutes. Dad breaks the silence to say, “ok, we can wait. We’re just glad you’ve returned to us.” I nod absently and try to ignore my fingers running along the seam of my pants.

“Your new house looks nice,” I say weakly.

“It’s a lot easier to take care of,” mom says. “We’d talked a while about simplifying things once you went to college. Once… well a few years ago we decided it was time to do it.”

“Lynn, come help please,” Kate calls from the kitchen. Lynn is already on her feet. She places the snack plate on the coffee table and leaves the room. Chloe uses the opportunity to grab more cookies then, with a sly grin, seats herself in the chair Lynn just vacated.

Moments later, Kate and Lynn enter the room each bearing a tray. They set the trays on the table and set about preparing a cup of tea for each of us. Floral notes weave the air into a blissful ambience.

When everyone has a cup, Kate seats herself on the other recliner. Lynn glares at Chloe then plops herself on the floor with her back against the wall.

The tea has lavender and other flavors. They are subtle and encourage savoring, which I do with my first sip. It’s been a long time since I had Kate’s tea and for a few moments all I can do is sip and enjoy it.

“How I missed this,” I whisper. When I open my eyes, I locate Kate. “This is wonderful. Thank you.” She smiles and lights up the room. After another sip, I place the cup and saucer on the table and rub my hands over my knees.

“Mom? Dad? You should know the truth about me, about who I am-”

“If this is about you liking girls,” mom interrupts, “That’s perfectly fine. You are our daughter and we love you.”

“What?” That’s not what I expected, and not what I was going to say. It distracts me and my other words disappear. “You know about that?”

“Honey,” dad says, and clears his throat. I see him glance at the others present, then looks at me. “It was rather apparent with the looks you gave Chloe when we lived in Arcadia Bay.”

“Also the hand holding, hugs, the things you would say about her,” mom adds.

_Damn!_ There’s a fire and it spreads up my neck to my cheeks and ears. “Thanks,” I choke out, “but… that’s not what you need to know.”

“Oh?” They echo each other. I look at each in turn, my dad giving me his “you can tell me anything, sport” face, and mom studying her knees. _Probably where I get that._

“I… can control time.”

Nothing. Then my dad clears his throat again. “I’m afraid I don’t understand. What do you mean you can control time?”

“I mean exactly what I said.” Then, taking a couple of deep breaths, I focus my eyes on my knees and tell them. Everything.

Chloe being shot in the restroom and the fear and horror that ran through me and kickstarted my discovery. I give a brief account of our reconnecting, saving Kate, finding Rachel, time travel, and the ultimate decision. Only this time I tell all of them, “it’s the hardest, worst choice I’ve ever had to make.”

My eyes are fixed on Chloe now. Her face is blank and betrays nothing. “What I didn’t tell you,” and now I’m speaking directly to Chloe like we’re in private. “Is that I tried so many times to save both you and the town. After you gave me the photo I went back to the bathroom and tried to change things. But nothing worked. No matter… no matter how many times I tried.”

“I couldn’t… bear letting you go, knowing if you died in that restroom, you’d die feeling abandoned and worthless. When I couldn’t save both, I saved you. I will always save you.”

Her blank face looks away from me and she nods. I know my recounting stirs up painful memories for her and there’s nothing I want more than to wrap her in my arms and help her feel loved. But doing that in front of my parents isn’t something she’d want.

My eyes drop to my empty tea cup, perched on its saucer. “After the storm came, we left town, just Chloe and I. We tried to make things work, but… I was too fucked up-”

A sound comes from my mom. When I glance at her, she appears ready to say something. _Probably to correct me._ But she returns to her hands holding her tea cup and staring into space.

“Too fucked up to have a stable relationship. The deaths in Arcadia Bay weighed on me. I saw them in dreams, when I was awake, and I couldn’t move on.

“After a few months… I left Chloe. I thought without me around she’d be better off. Arcadia Bay pulled me like a magnet. No matter what I tried it kept pulling me, so that’s where I went.”

My right hand plays with the edge of the cushion. One fingertip traces the cording while my other hand pushes on the cushion. “That’s when I discovered I was not the only person with strange abilities.” I don’t mean to, but my eyes fall on Lynn for a moment. I quickly move them away, to stare at the TV. _Hopefully no one noticed and thought anything of it._

“In the ruins of Arcadia Bay, I… found someone, a terrible, mean person intent on horrible things. We… fought, I guess you could call it that, and… I didn’t do very good. My power did something weird and I ended up being split into multiple copies of myself and thrown into other timelines.

“After that, my memory is a bit… weird. Fragments of other lives. Max’s in other timelines. Chloe’s too, and Kate. But mostly… being me but not me. And then I woke up this morning in my old bedroom in Seattle, only it was no longer my home. Chloe, Kate, and Lynn were there and brought me here.”

I expect questions and interruptions during my telling, but neither happens. The end is anticlimactic, with my voice fading into silence. No one says anything for a time. Then my dad says, “so… that’s where you’ve been the last five years? In other… ‘universes’?”

The way he says ‘universes’ makes me hold my breath. I look at him, but there’s no expression on his face.

“You… you can control time,” my mom says, her voice barely a whisper.

“She sure can, Mrs. C,” Chloe says from the recliner. “I’ve seen her do it.”

“Really, Chloe,” my dad says and now I detect disbelief in his voice. “Time?” His eyes swing toward me and I shrink back. “You disappear for five years? Cause us tremendous heartache and this is all you can come up with? A… a story about super powers?

“It wasn’t cruel enough to hurt us while you were away, you had to come back and hurt us in person!”

“Dad! No. That’s-”

“Get out!”

“What?” His face is twisted in anger like I’ve never seen before.

“I said, get. Out!” The softness of his voice doesn’t match the hardness of his words. They register in my mind, but I don’t understand them. I can’t understand them!

“Ryan,” mom says, but he looks at her with his brows lowered and eyes blazing.

“No,” he says. “We lost five years of our life. Five years wondering what happened to our daughter. And she can’t even tell us the truth!”

“Mr. C,” Chloe says, but dad turns his furious gaze on her and growls.

“Don’t ‘Mr. C’ me,” he says. “How dare you come into my house and support her lies. I want you all out, now!” His voice begins increasing in volume as he speaks, ending at a near shout.

“I’m not lying, dad,” I say from the other side of the room. His head whips toward me, mouth agape and eyes wide. Before he can speak, I enter the stillness and cross to another side of the room. When I re-enter normal time, I say, “not about something like this.”

Deep in the house, an older clock ticks. It’s loud and harsh. My parents look at me. Chloe, Kate, and Lynn look at me. And I’m mad. Gone for five years and I can understand my parents finding it difficult to believe my ability. But to turn their anger on people who were there for them during my absence is intolerable.

A hard surface hits the top of my head as I gaze down at my parents. “Be angry at me,” I hiss. “Not them.” Slowly, dad retakes his seat. His eyes never leave me. Once he’s seated, I relax. I have to catch myself on the wall as my knees collapse from the change in tension.

No one speaks as I cross the room in realtime and retake my seat between my parents. Realization of what I did floods me and I try to hide my face. My mom scoots away from me. “I’m sorry,” I mumble. “I… think I should go.” I stand again and look from side to side. Neither of my parents will look at me.

With a pit in my stomach, I look at my friends. “Take me away,” I plead and try to ignore the quaver in my voice.

Chloe stands and steps close to me. She holds out a hand. “Come on,” she whispers, “let’s go.”

A fog clouds my mind, and it detaches me from what’s happening. Chloe helps me step around the table and I sway as I look at mom and dad. Dad’s face is slack, pointed at the wall instead of us. Mom slumps in the chair, her hands quivering in her lap. I want to reach out to them, I want to plead with them to listen, to believe me.

They disappear from sight as Chloe leads me from the family room. A moment later, the cold outside air sends goosebumps up my arms. It’s toward evening and the light is fading.

I’m on the front step, then I’m in the car. Sound has faded to a distant, hollow weirdness. Chloe and Kate move their mouths but words never come. The hurt and anger in my dad is all I can hear. His voice, broken and angry, forcing those words into the air, forcing them between us. The house disappears into the fading light.

A hand gripping my own is the first sign that my mind is no longer clouded by what happened. Next is the rush of sound as music and voices pummel my hearing. Chloe and Kate discuss dinner, I think. Lynn’s eyes move between the way forward, and the mirror, where she can see me.

“What happened,” I whisper and Chloe and Kate fall silent.

I look at Chloe. “What happened?”

Her hand reaches up to scratch her head. “I guess,” she slowly says, “that he wasn’t ready to learn about your power. Do you want to… I don’t know, rewind and try it again?”

Her suggestion stuns me. “Try it again?” I repeat the words slowly, testing them. “Why would I do that? Why would I want to hurt them and us again?”

“I… sorry, I…”

I sigh loudly and and shake my head. “No,” I say, “don’t… apologize. That’s what I would’ve done when we were together last.”

“Maybe,” Kate says softly. “After another day or two, we can try with your mom. But not telling her about… what you can do. They both miss you. I guess we should have figured out what to tell them before we visited.”

“Yeah, I should’ve thought of that.”

There’s a moment of silence before Chloe says, “So… when did you gain the ability to fly?”

“Fly?”

“Yeah. Didn’t you feel your head hit the ceiling?”

“Yes… but… I didn’t know I was flying.”

Lynn pulls the car into a parking lot. Bright lights and many cars surround us. “Where are we,” I ask. The middle of the back seat doesn’t give me a good view.

“Target,” Lynn says as she parks the car. “The thrift stores are closed now and I figure you’d want at least one change of clothes. We can figure out later how to get your clothes from your parents.”

“Thanks,” I say as the engine turns off. “But I don’t have any money.”

“No worries, Maxter,” Chloe says. She opens the door and steps out of the car. “We’ll help with that.”

“But,” I say as I slide out to join her. “Don’t you… I don’t know, need the money for more important things?”

Chloe laughs. “What’s more important than helping a friend in need? Come on.” She grabs my arm without waiting for an answer and leads me to the store. Lynn and Kate follow at a distance.

Clothes shopping isn’t really my thing, at least not in a store like Target. Thrift stores on the other hand, I find are always filled with treasures awaiting discovery.

In the end they buy me a pair of jeans, a couple of t-shirts, a lined hoodie, and the basics. They also buy me a toothbrush and similar supplies. I manage to find clothes I like on the clearance racks, which makes me happy that I’m spending their money wisely. Thirty minutes later we leave and pile into the car.

The sun is down now and we drive through quiet streets. Lynn pulls the car to a stop and shuts off the engine. “Here we are,” Chloe says as she opens the door. “Our home.”

I half expected her to say “home shit home” like she did six years ago.

The house looks small and in the dark it’s hard to make out details. Lynn walks up the narrow walk, unlocks the door, and flips on the porch light.

Inside, I find a small living room with a couch and a couple of chairs. In the far corner, diagonal from the front door, is a round wooden table with four chairs. It must be the dining area. A hall to the right leads toward the bathroom and bedrooms, and a small kitchen sits in the right corner, directly across from the door.

Chloe peels off her coat and hangs it on a hook, followed by Lynn’s and Kate’s. The door closes, sealing in the warmth and Chloe turns with her arms wide. “It’s small, but it’s ours.” She gives me a quick tour. The bathroom is large, surprisingly, and is one of two. The bedrooms are small, barely large enough for a bed and dresser, although the master suite is large enough for two bedside tables. The closets are modest sized.

Kate and Chloe share one room, Lynn the other. “You’re welcome to sleep with us,” Chloe says.

“How big is your bed?” Truthfully, I’m fine with sharing a bed with Chloe. I don’t know yet how I feel about sharing bed with both her and Kate. Everything in this place is happening too fast.

“You can take my room,” Lynn says before Chloe can answer.

“Or I can share a bed with Lynn,” Kate says.

All three look at me, expecting some kind of answer. But all I find is emptiness. Chloe steps close to me and says, “you don’t need to decide right now. Take some time. Decide after dinner.”

“I don’t mind sleeping on the couch,” Lynn says. “You could take my bed. That way you can have some privacy.”

I open my mouth to speak, then close it with a slight frown. “Thank you,” I say after a moment, “though I don’t like the thought of taking your room from you.”

She shrugs. “I’m used to it,” she says. “After losing our home, Kate and I shared a bed until we moved in with Chloe. I’ve spent more time on a couch than a bed the last few years.”

“We’ve only lived here six months,” Kate says. “One of my coworkers put us in touch with the owner, who gave us lease terms that are less than what we were paying at an apartment complex.” She looks at her sister and smiles. “Lynn gets to be in a great school for her last year, which makes me really happy.”

“But Lynn,” I protest. “That couch looks too short for you. I’ll take the couch.”

“While the three of you figure this out, I’ll start dinner,” Chloe says, and wanders off to the kitchen.

There’s a bit of back and forth, and awkward offers, but I finally manage to get Lynn to keep her bed. Kate doesn’t press me on sharing their bed, but the look she gives me makes me wonder if she’ll bring it up later. When I offer to share a bed with Lynn, she got the strangest look and blushed, then declined.

Tonight’s sleeping arrangements done, I take my new clothes to their small laundry room behind the kitchen. _The new clothes itch must be vanquished before I can wear them!_ Once the washer is humming along nicely, I return to the kitchen to see how I can help.

Dinner turns out to be a simple affair, with hamburgers with fries for Chloe and Lynn, and salad and brussels sprouts for Kate and I. I help with the salad and setting the table.

“When did you learn how to make these,” I ask after downing the second sprout. The leaves are crisp and are lightly seasoned. _So delish!_

Chloe looks at Kate who giggles. “I’m mostly vegetarian,” Kate says, and smiles around a mouthful of salad.

“What am I missing,” I ask. Chloe and Kate give each other weird looks I don’t understand.

“Ignore them,” Lynn whispers. “It’s a long and boring story.”

“I lost a bet,” Chloe mutters. “Part of which involved me learning how to cook more food that Kate likes.”

Kate opens her mouth to say something, but a french fry hits her in the face. “Chloe Price,” Kate says in mock anger, “acting like this in front of guests?”

“Guest?” There’s definitely laughter in Chloe’s answer. “Max knows me better than just about anyone.”

“Anyone?” Kate arcs her eyebrow and Chloe squirms a little.

“I said ‘just about’.” She tosses another fry at Kate, who catches it in her mouth. Kate smiles triumphantly.

“If you keep this up,” Lynn grumps, “I’m taking my food to my room.”

Chloe eyes Lynn for a moment. “You wait,” she says in a mock parental tone, “until you find someone special. We’re gonna say the same things about you!”

With a groan, Lynn grabs her plate and stalks to her bedroom. “Wow,” I say when the door closes. “Is this what it’s like every night for you?”

“Nah,” Chloe says and crams some fries into her mouth. “Lynn’s usually not like this. It’s only because you’re here.”

“Me? What do I have to do with it? And what about you?”

Kate and Chloe look at each other, their food and conversation momentarily forgotten. “Haven’t you noticed,” Kate asks gently.

“Noticed what?”

“Lynn has a huge crush on you,” Kate whispers.

“What!”

“Shh,” Chloe says and then lowers her voice. “Didn’t you notice how she’s acted around you? Dreamy eyes that she tries to hide behind an attitude. The blush a few minutes ago when you offered to share a bed with her. How she’ll try to be close to you without being close. The infatuated comments about you that she tries to disguise.”

_Lynn has a crush on me? No one has crushes on me._ Right when I think that, my gaze lands on Chloe. _Ok. One person out of how many? _But there are other thoughts that crowd in around that.

“I’m not really comfortable with knowing she has a crush on me,” I whisper. “It’s not just the age difference. She doesn’t even know me. Isn’t there someone at school, or other people she can get attached to.”

“It doesn’t work that way,” Chloe says matter-of-factly.

“I know… just… it makes me uncomfortable. And now that I know, I’m gonna be all awkward in her presence.”

“I’m sure it will pass in time,” Kate says and pats my hand.

“Sure,” Chloe says as she stuffs another fry in her mouth. “Kind of like your crush on me… oh wait! You still have a crush on me.”

With a groan, I push away from the table. “You’re insufferable,” I mutter. “Don’t you get it? I’m… barely here. We’re trying to figure things out, things about us, and you don’t care that Lynn has a crush on me!”

As I speak, my voice gets louder and louder. Kate’s eyebrows go up and she makes a downward motion with her hands, palms parallel to the ground. “Keep your voice down,” she whispers.

“Look,” Chloe says, “I’m sorry. I was teasing, but you’re right. You’ve… well, we’ve all had a strange day and I didn’t need to make it worse. Sorry about that.”

I return to the table with a grunt of acknowledgement. I spear another sprout and pop it into my mouth. I’m considering another thing to say when Lynn appears. She goes to the trash to scrape the scraps into it, then puts the dish in the sink.

“What,” she says defensively when she turns to find all our eyes on her.

Chloe flashes a big smile at her. “Nothing,” she says. “What do you want to do tonight? Movie? Video Games? Or do you still have homework.”

“I’m done with my homework, but I’ll have to check online for any new assignments,” Lynn says. She steps towards the living room. “Probably nothing big.”

“What are her plans after she graduates,” I ask after she leaves. _Why didn’t I ask her? Oh yeah, that crush thing. If I give her attention. Fuck, this sucks!_ _And it makes me question all our interactions in those other places. _Chloe finishes off her burger by cramming the last big bite into her mouth.

“We’d like to get her into a good college,” Kate says. “She’s got a talent for computer programming that I think she should pursue.”

_More like hacking!_

“Is that what she wants to do?”

“She is interested,” Kate replies and stands. Her plate is completely empty and she takes it to the sink. “The hard part is paying for it. We hope she’ll get a scholarship, but she’ll likely need to work through school.”

Her words remind me of that other world where I setup a scholarship to honor Chloe. Joyce’s cries of sorrow and joy echo in my ears as I look at Chloe. “What,” she asks with a smile. I shake my head and finish my meal in silence.

Around me, Chloe and Kate chat about tomorrow. Chloe joins Kate at the sink and the two clean up the kitchen. They take my plate and utensils when I’m done, despite my objections. “Only one day of vacation for you,” Chloe says as she plucks the water glass from my fingers. “Tomorrow we put you to work!”

And work is what tomorrow will be. Both women work while Lynn goes to school. Chloe offers to take me to work with her. “There are some parks nearby I bet you’d like,” she says as she wipes down the table.

I stand and check on my laundry. After I hang my bras to dry, I place the rest of my wet clothes in the drier and turn it on. The rest of my clothes go into the washer. Then I grab a broom from the laundry room. Before they can object I start sweeping the floor.

“Parks sound nice,” I say, my eyes focused on the bristles that push around the dirt. “Better than being home by myself. What do you do for work?”

“I work at a repair shop,” she says as she tries to grab the broom from my hands. I dodge her and keep sweeping. “Not cars, but we fix about everything else. I got my welding cert through them, which is cool. Not the right certs yet for doing anything industrial or commercial, but I can do small stuff.”

I laugh and sidestep her as she makes another grab for the broom. “Stop it,” I complain light-heartedly, “you’ll get the dirt everywhere!”

She stops and I see a sly smile spread across her face. “Don’t you dare!” I brandish the broom and flick the dirty end at her. She sidesteps, plants her foot in the small pile of debris I’ve swept up, and proceeds to kick it. Bits of dirt and paper and other trash tumble across the kitchen floor.

“Whoops,” Chloe says with a laugh, “guess I didn’t see that there. Looks like you have more work to do.”

The next moment, Chloe leaps into the air with a shriek. “You little…” she dances and prances around. Her hands claw at her shirt and behind her Kate laughs while she wipes her hands on a cloth.

“Got it!” Chloe holds up an ice cube and turns her narrowed eyes on Kate. The towel drops to the floor landing in the dirt pile, and Kate tears from the room, her own shrieks echoing in the small space.

Chloe chases her around the living room while I pick up the towel and put it in a hamper I saw next to the washing machine. When I return to the kitchen, Chloe has Kate pinned to the wall. The ice cube is held above Kate’s head, held loosely in two fingers.

With big eyes, Kate begs Chloe not to put the ice cube down her shirt. She tries to knock the hand away, but Chloe blocks her. Their laughter and joy is too infectious! Quietly, I lean the broom against the counter and walk on silent feet to behind Chloe.

Right as Chloe moves her hand to drop the ice cube down the front of Kate’s shirt, I launch an attack of my own. My fingers dance up and down her ribs. The ice cube tumbles to the floor as Chloe doubles over and clamps her elbows to her sides. “Caulfield,” she growls as she turns toward me.

She leaps at me, but Kate uses that moment to launch her own tickle attack. Faced with two opponents, Chloe runs to the living room with a taunt, “Can’t get me!” Kate darts after her.

I turn to join her when I’m reminded of doing this in a cabin somewhere in the Oregon mountains. A tickle attack that led to a kiss, which led to memories.

A sharp jab to my heart stops me. _Are they ok? Did they escape and find happiness? Did Max find her memories and vanquish that part of herself?_

The thoughts wipe away the moments of happiness I enjoyed. I watch with sad eyes as Chloe reduces Kate to a squirming, squealing mess of fingers and hair and laughter on the couch. I turn away, grab the broom and return to sweeping.

I’m so preoccupied with cleaning and thoughts about the other lives that I don’t hear the laughter stop, nor the footsteps behind me. “Are you ok,” Chloe asks.

I shake my head and keep my focus on the little dirt pile. “What’s the matter,” Kate asks as she comes to my side.

_How can I tell them? Would they understand?_

A hand fastens itself to the broom handle, halting my movements. “You can tell us,” Chloe says.

“Do you… do the two of you have a safety time,” I ask, my face turned away from them.

“What do you mean?” I can feel their closeness, their warmth as they gather around me.

“Never mind,” I whisper, “it doesn’t matter.”

“Max-” Chloe starts to say but I cut her off.

“That’s not what I mean. When we were… playing? Just now, it reminded me of what happened in another life.” Now I turn and make myself look at them. Little pinpricks of energy run up my arms and their emotions press against me. I step back. My butt hits the counter and a sense of being boxed in intensifies.

I shove my hands in my pockets before they can start doing something. “What were we doing,” Kate asks.

“Chloe and I had a tickle fight,” I whisper. In my mind I see it again, hear it again. The laughter and shrieks as we race around the cabin. Chloe’s declaration that she’s going to tickle me until I pee my pants.

“That doesn’t sound sad,” Chloe prompts. She wants to touch me, to put her hand on me; I can feel it.

“No, it’s not.” A finger on my right hand finds a small weakness in the seam of a pocket and begins worrying it. “I wonder… do those worlds still exist? Did they go away when I returned here? If they still exist, how are the Chloe’s and Kate’s there? Are they happy? It’s the not knowing that bugs me.”

_And that world… when I came here, did the old Max return? Are that Kate and Chloe now dealing with an out of control person trained as a weapon?_

“I’m sure they’re fine,” Chloe says, which prompts me to shake my head.

“No, I’m sure they aren’t. Their Max… never managed to deal with her grief over Arcadia Bay in a healthy way.” _Not that I know whether I have…_

“Is that the Max you said lost her memory?” Kate keeps her voice warm and steady. Like Chloe, I can feel her want to touch me, to comfort me. I shiver and pull my hands from my pockets to hold myself.

“Yes.” _Only, was the memory loss because of me, or because of Him?_

“How can we help you?”

I eye both of them and just how close they stand to me. It’s hard to breathe with their emotions so raw and wild pressed against me. I grip my upper arms even tighter and try to look them in the eye, but fail. “Can you… would you mind… stepping away?”

A hand approaches, I’m not sure whose, and I try to shrink away again. The counter prevents me and I hit my head on a cupboard. The hand withdraws and two pairs of feet move away.

Immediately the smothering sensation recedes and it’s much easier to breathe. I take a deep breath and hold it while I close my eyes. _Toes, wiggling in my shoes. Air in my lungs that wants to escape. The black of darkness. And I smell… honey and sunshine… Kate._ I smile at that scent. The tension drains as quickly as it came, but my mind latches onto Kate’s scent. _Perfume? Shampoo? What is it?_

While the scent has me in a good place, I take a risk. “There’s… also the fear that all of this is another life I’ve jumped into. That a minute from now, tomorrow, next week, I’ll blink and be somewhere else. That happened a lot. And it’s… hard to let go of that fear.”

“You’ve only been back a few hours,” Chloe says. “I’d say it’s fucking reasonable you’d feel that way.”

“And this day hasn’t been easy on you,” Kate adds. “Reuniting with your parents had to be hard. It was heart breaking for me. I can only imagine how it made you feel.”

I nod but don’t have anything to add.

“What can we do for you?”

I look at Chloe and see genuine concern in her eyes, in the way she stands. “Take it slow,” I say. “I’ve been gone five years, in other lives and experiences. There’s a lot for me to process. Your care and support is important. What’s more important is helping me adjust to… here.”

They nod and we stand a few moments and look at each other. While I’m in a good place, I take a chance and slip my hands into theirs. I close my eyes again, the better to focus on our contact. “There are times where a person’s presence is so … intense, it presses against me and I can’t breathe.”

“Is that what happened a few minutes ago,” Kate asks. I nod.

“I… begin to panic.”

She squeezes my hand lightly. “Are you doing better right now,” Kate asks.

The wonderful smell lingers and my smile returns. I open my eyes to find both of them looking at me. “I love the way you smell,” I say to Kate. “Both here and that other place, you smell like honey and sunshine.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet,” Kate says. I take a chance and slip my hand from Chloe’s. “Is it ok,” I say to Kate, my eyes flitting nervously from her to the floor and back. “If I give you a hug?”

“That would be wonderful,” she replies and opens her arms. I slip into them and sigh when her arms go around me. I hold her tight and savor the notes of honey and goodness and sunshine around her.

“So… um, video games? Movies?” Chloe puts some of her mirth into her question.

“Mmm,” I say. “Ask me when I’m not in the Kate Zone.”

“Sure. Take your time.” I hear her walk away.

“You’re more than welcome in our bed,” Kate whispers. One of her hands rubs my back. “It’ll be tight, but we can manage.”

“I don’t know if I can, not yet,” I whisper. “You’ve been together for five years. I’d feel weird if I went into your bedroom, let alone your bed. Like I was intruding.”

Her hands slip down to my hips and she leans away. I open my eyes to find hers studying me. A little smile teases the corners of her mouth. “I can assure you that you wouldn’t be invading. I want you to feel comfortable and safe. Come when you’re ready.”

She gets a little mischievous look then, and tilts her head a little. “Or,” she says with a soft giggle, “we could all sleep in the living room! Like a sleepover! Then, we could be together in a safe space.”

I look at her a long while. From the front room comes the sounds of Chloe and Lynn playing video games. “Can I ask you something,” I finally say.

“Sure, Max. Anything.”

“Why? We barely know each other. Why invite me to your bed?”

The joy and delight on her face slowly fades. She takes her time in answering. “Chloe and I talked a lot about what would happen if you came back,” she says. “She never stopped loving you, even if it was only memories that she loved. You mean a lot to her. And your memories are faulty. Before you left, the three of us shared a bed.”

There are vague hints of her last statement in my memories. “May I tell you something… personal,” I cautiously ask.

“Do you need advice, or just want to speak?”

“Only to speak.”

“Ok, tell me.”

Before I speak, I take her hands in mine. Her skin is soft and smooth and I wonder at how she manages that. The skin on my hands always seems dry and rough.

“It’s hard for me to trust my feelings,” I say. “Too many of my emotions and memories are … influenced by all the other people I was part of. Knowing what is real and what isn’t is hard. I… I’m nervous about leaping back into a relationship with Chloe and you, because I’m afraid that all my feelings are ones from another Max. A Max who I’ve left behind. I’ve hurt you and Chloe many times in this life, I don’t want to hurt you any more.

“And moving this quickly? Back a few hours and you’re both inviting me to your bed? That … scares me. It makes me trust even less that I’m in the right place.” When I finish, I give her a shy smile. I doubt what I said makes sense.

“Thank you for sharing that,” she says with her own smile. “May I offer one little bit of advice? It’s about inviting you to our bed.”

I shrug and say, “Sure.”

“Inviting you to our bed is only about sleeping, maybe a little cuddling if you are comfortable with that. Nothing more.”

“Oh.”

Her smile broadens at my realization. “You’re so adorable,” she whispers and squeezes my hands. “Now. Let’s say we go join the others with some video games!”

“Let me finish sweeping the floor.”

“That can wait! Come on!” She leads me by the hand to the front room. There, Chloe and Lynn are busy playing some game I don’t recognize.

After what Kate and Chloe told me, I pay more attention to Lynn. She gives me discrete glances when she thinks I’m not paying attention. A few times, a small smile touches her lips. Her crush disturbs me in many ways that I can’t put into words. I purposely sit far away from her.

We pass the evening playing games, chatting, and enjoying each others company. It’s altogether a wonderful time with friends that puts me at ease.

At long last, Kate stifles a yawn and says, “I think it’s beddy-bye time.”

From the corner of my eye, I see Lynn roll her eyes. “We’re not kids here, sis,” she quips.

“Most of us aren’t,” Kate says, but her tone is light and warm. “Besides, staying young is a matter of the mind.”

“Whatever.” Lynn puts down her controller and stands with a stretch.

“Are you coming with me to work tomorrow,” Chloe asks me.

With a shrug, I say, “I guess? Shouldn’t I look for work too?”

“Maybe after a couple of days,” Chloe says as she stands. “Give yourself time to get used to being here. That reminds me. I have something of yours.” She retreats into her bedroom while Kate and I clean up the room.

“Here you go.” I turn to find Chloe holding a familiar device in her hand.

“My phone,” I say with glee. “Does it still work?”

“Chloe kept it on a charger the entire time you were gone,” says Kate.

I look at Chloe. “You did? Why?” But she just shrugs and holds out her other hand.

“My bag!” I grab the satchel from Chloe’s hands and open it. Inside are my camera and several photos. “You… you kept my stuff.” I don’t know if I’m confused or happy or something else.

“Only the important things,” she says.

“All your clothes are at your parents house,” Kate adds softly.

I wrap my arms around Chloe and hold her tight. “Thank you,” I whisper, my voice choked.

“No problem.” She looks away and scratches her head. “Best get ready for bed now.” And she wanders off, Kate soon following.

I set the satchel on the couch and unlock my phone. _Damn that’s a lot of unread messages! Mom. Dad. Kate. Chloe._ I hesitate a moment, then tap Chloe’s name.

**Chloe:**Fuck… where are you?

**Chloe:** Max! Please call me!

**Chloe: **Seriously, you’re scaring me. I’m sorry for what I said… it wasn’t right

**Chloe:** I miss you

The words begin to smear and blur together and I lower the phone. When I left them in that horrible motel, I left behind everything that was part of my life. _I barely remember why I did that. _After everything I experienced, my actions then seem immature. But in the heat of the moment, it made complete sense.

After I dry my eyes with my shirt, I hear footsteps in the hall. Kate enters the room with a bundle of sheets, blankets, and a pillow. One look at me and she sets everything down and sits next to me. “Are you reading the messages,” she whispers.

“Yes. I… really shouldn’t.”

“No, I think you should.” She looks at me, her hazel eyes shifting in color. Her hand reaches toward mine but pauses. “Is… it ok if I touch you?”

I nod, my throat suddenly becoming too tight to speak. She takes my hand in hers. “She kept sending you messages long after she found your phone. It was a habit she developed, talking to you even though you couldn’t get them. I think she even messaged you yesterday.”

That makes my throat even tighter and I find myself slipping the phone into my pocket. “Even after the shitty way I treated her,” I finally manage to force out. “Why… why did the two of you not give up on me? I did such horrible things to you!”

A finger lightly touches my chin, which causes me to look at her. “You didn’t do horrible things,” she whispers.

“I killed… your parents… Joyce… left both of you when you needed someone.”

“No. You didn’t. You chose love and friendship. The only person you hurt was yourself.”

“How can you say that? I know Chloe was mad after I left and that I hurt her by leaving.” I honestly don’t understand what Kate said.

She smiles and my breath catches. It’s the same soft, private smile I saw Kate in that other world give Chloe. _And then me. And now here!_

“You two need to discuss that. It’s her story to tell, not mine. I can assure you though, that she’s not hurt by that.”

Her eyes look down and I feel soft motions on my hand. Her thumb caresses the back of my hand. “Is it… ok if I do something to show you how I feel about you?” A bit of fear and uncertainty are in her voice, I’m sure.

“Ok.” _What does she mean? _I soon find out.

Kate looks at me, her eyes soft and warm, and leans close. She gives me a light kiss on the cheek. When she moves away, her eyes studying mine, my fingers touch my cheek where her lips were. A tingling warmth remains.

“We can talk more about this,” she whispers, “tomorrow. I want you to know that I don’t harbor any ill will toward you, and that I care about you.” With a squeeze of my hand, she stands, gives me a smile, and walks toward their shared bedroom.

I watch her retreat into the gloom of the hall, briefly outlined by the light from the bedroom. Then the door closes and I’m staring at nothing. The warm tingling in my cheek remains and a flutter moves through me as my fingers touch the spot.

It’s clear I don’t understand this world and its rules, even if it’s the one I originated in.

Several minutes pass before I’m able to collect my thoughts to remind myself I need to prepare for bed. Carefully, I place my trusty bag to the side. _Tomorrow I need to look through those pictures._ I stand and dig through the Target bag to find my toothbrush and other supplies. These I take to the restroom.

After I change into pajamas and brush my teeth, I let the water run until it’s warm, then wash my face. The towel is a little stiff as I pat my face dry. _I won’t be scrubbing with it any time soon!_

I fold the towel into a neat square and place it on the little stand on the counter. Across from me, a ragged looking brown-haired woman looks at me from the mirror. Only, instead of seeing her, I see a blue-haired Max held in the arms of Victoria.

A pain squeezes my chest. _Will I ever see her again? Is she ok? _Absently, my fingers stroke the inside of my right wrist. They trace the scars, faint but harsh in memory. The world I’m in now is too confusing and disorienting.

_Wait! Scars?_

I look at my wrist, but it’s smooth and unmarked. _I definitely felt scars._

My reflection looks at me unfazed. I frown at it, but the reflection doesn’t change. _What the…_ I make a face, but my reflection remains as she was: flat lipped and narrow eyed.

_This is really strange._

I put my toothbrush into a convenient holder and open the door. Outside, Lynn leans against the far wall. She looks up when the door opens and I catch a fleeting smile on her face. “Bout time,” she says gruffly.

I step past her and watch her enter the room and close the door. With a shake of my head, I return to the living room. There I use the sheets and blanket to convert the couch into a bed.

_If I stay here long term, maybe we can get a daybed or one of those sofa bed things. But first, I’ll need to find a job._

The sheets are soft and cool against me as I slip between them. Then I mutter a curse because I forgot to turn off the light. It takes only a moment to roll out of bed and flick off the lightswitch.

In the empty darkness, I return to the couch and cover myself with the blanket. _Will I wake up here? Or somewhere else?_

Thoughts like that fill my mind, which keeps sleep far away from me. Along with that, the couch is lumpy and uncomfortable. No one is with me, and the sounds the unfamiliar house makes spark my imagination in unkind ways.

After a long time of tossing and turning, the faint sound of wood on wood comes to me. Its immediately followed by footsteps.

“Max.” I relax at Chloe’s whisper.

“Yeah?”

“Are you doing ok?”

“Not really.”

She crouches next to the couch, near my head. She’s a friendly shadowy figure in the dark. Fingers lightly brush hair from my cheek. “Is this ok,” she whispers.

“Yeah.”

She doesn’t speak after that, but her fingers do. They travel through my hair, down my neck to my back. There, they find the place I like and make gentle circles. Under her gentle love sleep folds me into a comfortable embrace.


	23. Job

“It won’t last.” The cold delight in her voice does more than send shivers up my back; it reaches deep inside to destroy the seeds of hope that were sprouting.

“What won’t last?” I try to speak with confidence and assertion, but she’s already won. The best I can do is to give my double a steady stare.

“This… thing you have with Kate and Chloe that you call happiness.” She looks at me from across the table. Sadness pulls her face downward. “It never does.”

“But it could,” I protest. The fact that she casts doubt on the situation causes my heart to pound and a determination to prove her wrong flares in my chest. “You don’t know that!”

Her eyes peek at me from between her bangs. Blue slivers glint among the brown hair and I wonder what effect that look has on Chloe or Kate. “But I know you,” she whispers. She rises from her seat and steps around the table toward me. “And you will fuck. It. Up.”

“I don’t believe you!” I flinch as her hand reaches for my cheek. “Get away from me!” I step back, and again to keep her at arms length.

“Go then,” she laughs, “go and find out for yourself. You’ll see.”

Light floods my eyes and I raise an arm to cover them. I blink rapidly as they open to peek around my arm. Morning light brightens the living room from the window opposite me. A thin white sheer blocks the window. The scene with the other Max fades under the reality of morning. _Ugh, should have closed the curtains!_

With a groan I roll out of bed and close the curtains. It’s too late though and I’m awake whether I want to be or not. From the back of the house I hear movement. Guess I’m not the only one awake. _May as well get the day started. Maybe that will help me forget that nasty dream._

I dig through my stuff, then remember my clothes are still in the dryer. Once I retrieve them, I shake and smooth them to get rid of most of the wrinkles. Then, I roll some together and make my way to the restroom. The door is closed and I hear a shower running. While I stand there debating what I should do, the other bedroom door opens.

“Good morning,” Kate says with her usual cheer.

My greeting is more of a grunt than words. Her words come to mind then and I force myself to be more pleasant. “Good morning,” I say with a smile. Kate pats my shoulder as she moves down the hall. “You’ll be there a while,” she says. “Lynn likes her long showers.”

_Ugh. To live in the dorms again. Or at least somewhere with more than one bathroom._

As if reading my thoughts, Kate says, “Chloe’s done with our bathroom if you want to use it.”

I look at their bedroom doorway only a foot or two away. A strange sensation like the interior is a forbidden location sweeps through me. Cautiously, I open the door and look inside.

A large bed, with rumpled blankets and sheets dominates the room. To the left is a closet with sliding doors. A dresser with a mirror is against the wall to my right and another dresser is to the right of the bed.

A thick pink blanket is piled near the center of the bed, with white sheets clumped around it. The floor is mostly clean, at least the left side of the room is clean. On the right side I see clothes on the floor. It’s also apparent which dresser belongs to Kate versus Chloe. The one near the door is closed. The few items on the top are neatly organized. The same with the small bedside table on that side of the bed.

In constrast the other dresser has drawers partially open with clothes hanging or falling from them. All sorts of items are thrown on top of the dresser in a jumbled pile.

A line of small lights is strung around the room at the top of the walls. They twinkle with different colors in a random pattern. In the corner near the restroom I see a guitar that looks familiar. I step toward it, but right then Chloe exits the restroom.

She wears dark cargo pants with a wide belt. And she’s topless except for a dark bra. I quickly look away. And then wonder why I do.

“Nothing you haven’t seen before,” she says as she breezes past me.

“I uh… just wasn’t expecting to see you like that is all,” I mumble. Behind me I hear a drawer pulled open.

“You can use the shower if you want.”

I edge into the bathroom which is an explosion of cans and tubes and hair dryers and many other things. “Towels are under the sink!”

Sure enough, they are. I grab a nice fluffy one and hang it on the rack near the shower. Then I notice the shower is an upright with clear walls and door.

“I’m done in here,” Chloe says in my ear. I yelp and jump a little. I turn to give her a light slap on the shoulder.

“Don’t sneak up on me,” I say and glare at her. She laughs and steps close to me. A blue and black flannel shirt now covers her, which makes me find her even more attractive. The blue is a great complement for her hair. Which I notice is cut really short. It’s practically buzzed on the sides and two or three inches long on top. She has it standing tall and to the side. My fingers want to touch it.

“You,” she says and grabs the pockets on my sleep shorts. “Need to get ready so you can come with me to work.

I raise my hand and stop her from getting too close. “Chloe,” I say, trying to remain calm. “I’ll be ready in time.”

She backs away with a cheeky grin and turns to face the mirror. I place my clothes on the toilet lid and turn on the shower. It doesn’t take long for the water to reach the right temperature.

A quick glance reveals Chloe is still in the bathroom. What she’s doing I don’t know but I feel awkward and self-conscious with her in here. Before I can say anything, she gives me another grin and leaves. I close the door behind her and debate locking it.

“I’m not going in there until you’re done,” she calls through the door. I stare at the knob a few minutes before I pull my clothes off and neatly fold them. There’s a clothes hamper in here with a lid, so I close its lid and put my pajamas on top of it. My underwear I place on the floor next to it. For some reason I don’t want them responsible for cleaning my stuff. _I don’t want to be a burden, though I’m already one because they had to buy me clothes._

With that negative thought, I step into the shower and let it blast my thoughts into a better place. Since I know Chloe needs to get to work, I don’t lose myself in the spray like I normally do.

Some ten minutes later, I emerge with clean body, clean hair, and clean clothes. A pleasant warmth from the shower still suffuses me. Outside the bathroom Chloe sits on the bed lacing up her boots.

“Sit with me a moment,” she says as I exit.

“Ok,” I say and seat myself on the bed near her. On my lap are my pajamas with my underwear hidden in the middle. My fingers play with my clothes.

“I missed you,” she whispers. “And yeah, I was mad as hell for a few weeks. I’m not mad anymore. Took me a while to get over it. The anger, that is.” She lifts her legs to the bed and spins to face me. “I want you to know that I’m still your friend, first and foremost. No pressure for anything more. Ok?”

I pick at the fold of my sleep shirt while she speaks. They are words I want to hear. I don’t trust them. “Ok,” I say. “Friends.”

She taps me on the arm. “Kate’s got breakfast for you.” With a small smile, I stand and return to the living room. I place my pajamas on the pillow I used, and the underwear in the Target bag I’ve decided is for my dirty clothes.

“We’ll need better arrangements long term,” Kate says when I step into the kitchen. She slides some scrambled eggs onto a plate along with a couple slices of toast and puts on the table. “Your breakfast.”

“Thanks!” I seat myself at the table, then realize I want coffee so get up again. “Why do you need better arrangements,” I ask as I go to the coffee maker.

“I know it’s an assumption, but we hope you’ll stay with us long term.” She places the empty pan and other items in the sink. “Four people and two bedrooms makes things awkward.”

“If I do stay with you,” I say slowly while I prepare my coffee. “Didn’t you say Lynn will go to school next year? So the awkwardness is only for about ten months.”

Oh, Max, I don’t want you sleeping on the couch for that long! Or Lynn either.”

I take the coffee to the table and re-seat myself. “Your house is nice. I’d hate for you to move because of me.”

“No, not move.” She turns on the water and begins washing the pan. “I… don’t know what. But we’ll figure something out.”

“One of the timelines I was in my bed was a futon.” I stop speaking and let out a long mmm with the first mouthful of eggs. “These eggs are so good!”

“Thank you! A futon or a day bed is an option, and something we could afford.” She hums while she washes. _Kate is musical no matter which timeline I’m in._

The rest of my breakfast I eat in silence. Like with dinner, Kate takes my plate and fork from me when I’m done. “Please let me help,” I ask.

“I enjoy washing dishes. It’s a perfect distraction while I think,” she says as she carries them to the sink. “Now, I want you and Chloe to have a great time today. There’s a nice park near her shop that I’m sure you’ll love. Across the street from the park is a little cafe you should visit. They have the best lavender tea.”

_Wow, Kate has a strong mom side to her._

“Thanks.”

“Now you better go brush your teeth and grab your jacket. Chloe needs to leave in less than five minutes.”

I give one last look at her, standing at the sink cleaning up. Kate is such a wholesome person. I walk to her side and after a moment, give her a one-armed hug. “Thanks for breakfast… and for being there for Chloe when I wasn’t.”

She beams a smile at me and pokes me with a soapy finger. “You are welcome. Now get going before you’re late.”

I rush from the kitchen to the bathroom. Lynn left a while ago and Chloe sits on the couch looking at her phone. She doesn’t look up as I run past.

Less than five minutes later, I’m done and struggling to put on my jacket. “Ready,” I tell Chloe, who now leans against the wall by the door.

Kate comes up to her and they give each other a tender kiss. “Have a good day,” Kate says to Chloe. She turns to me and for a moment I think she’s going to kiss me too, but then she gives me a quick, warm hug. “You too. I’ll see you both later tonight!”

And with that, I grab my satchel and we are out of the house. The morning is chilly and dew laden. We fast walk to the car and slip inside the moment Chloe gets it unlocked. The car interior seems even colder than the outside. I rub my hands together and make a brrr sound.

“It takes a while to get warm,” Chloe says as she starts the engine. Our breath forms clouds, which causes the windows to fog over. I put on my seat belt while she wipes down the windshield.

“How long of a drive is it?”

“Fifteen minutes or so.” She adjusts the mirrors and seat then moves her hand to the stereo. “Is music ok this morning?”

“Sure. You’re the driver.” The seatbelt is a little difficult to get on, but after a struggle I manage to get it fastened.

With a grin, she turns on the stereo then plugs her phone into a cord. “If you can believe it, radio stations are even worse than five years ago.” She fiddles with her phone and then a moment later music starts blaring from the speakers. With a flick of her fingers, she turns the volume down to a more moderate level.

The car pulls away from the curb and Chloe drives us through the neighborhood until we come to a main street. Her fingers tap the steering wheel while we drive and I occupy myself with watching the scenery pass by. Sure enough, five minutes or more into the drive the heater begins working and I hold my cold fingers in front of the warm vent.

We come to a stop and Chloe puts the car into park. When I look up I see we’re parked at an abandoned lot. “What-“ I start to ask a question but Chloe interrupts me.

“I was fucking pissed at you for weeks,” Chloe says, her head leaned against the steering wheel. “My heart… it broke when you disappeared. Sure we’d had some arguments before, but we’d always talked them through. You’d go away to think, but you always came back. When you didn’t come back after the last one…”

Her head turns and looks at me, still laying on the wheel. Unshed tears glisten in her eyes and a sharpness pierces me. “That was the final proof I needed I was worthless. No one wanted me. Unloveable.”

She pushes away from the steering wheel and wipes her hands down her face. Uncertainty fills me. _Should I speak? Should I touch her?_

“I thought you were dead and was so close to joining you! If not for Kate fucking calling me.” Her hands clench the steering wheel tight, the whites of her knuckles bright and damning, to me anyways.

“Chloe-“ I start again but she stops me with a jerk of her head.

“Do you hear what I’m saying? I was this close-“ she holds out a hand with fingers but a tiny space apart. Less than a centimeter. “That close to killing myself because I thought… I was worthless. You, twice. Dad. Rachel. The people I loved abandoned me.

“But Kate, fucking Kate. When you didn’t come back I became frantic, then desparate. Calling people. Texting them. Driving all over looking for you. It took half a dozen tries or more for Kate to get through to me. I… couldn’t listen! Didn’t want to listen. But I did. And I haven’t stopped since. What I’m trying to say…” There’s a click as she unbuckles the seat belt, then she turns to look at me.

“My heart hasn’t stopped aching for you, Max. But I can’t… I can’t just accept you back into my life, our lives, without knowing why you left and… I don’t know. Part of me wants to ask that you don’t do that again but really all I want to know is… why? Why did you leave?”

Her eyes search me, flicking back and forth as if seeking out my secrets. And wow do I have a lot! I look down, only then do I realize that I’m holding tight to the seat belt. I let go and try to give my hands something else to occupy them.

“I…” Ruined buildings and downed trees fill my mind. Among them are the bodies of people I knew, some covered, most are not. “I do not question or doubt choosing you, Chloe.” I make myself look at her when I say that. Her face is calm and smooth with a slight tilt.

“What tore me up were all the doubts about ‘did I try enough to save both you and the town.’ It was too much for me. I didn’t know how to tell you what it was doing to me, but I saw what it was doing to us. The fights. The panic attacks. The blackouts. My explosive anger.”

Fingers trace the outline of the parking brake handle. Smooth metal then bumpy plastic. “And I felt like shit because I couldn’t explain what I needed, or what was happening because I didn’t understand it! I still don’t fully understand it.

“The only thing I could do was protect you from me, from doing something that caused lasting harm. So… one night I left. I… I knew Kate was distracted looking for Lynn. I took some money I had, and left everything behind. I told myself it was better this way, that you were better off without me and my problems. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

Emotions push at me from within, stirring my heart and mind. Tears want to fall but I don’t let them, though they do blur my sight. I close my eyes and focus on the car’s vibration. There’s a little shake to it, like it’s off balance. It gives me a distraction to focus on.

“What I told you and my parents is true. The destruction of our hometown haunted me. Everywhere I looked… look, I see the dead accusing me, pleading with me. And it drew me toward it. I couldn’t escape it.

“I cried almost the entire way back to Arcadia Bay. When I left Klamath Falls it hit me just what I was doing to you. By that point I didn’t know what to do other than keep going. I shouldn’t have left, Chloe. Space is what I needed, time away from people so I could process what was happening.”

“Your quiet places,” she murmurs and I nod.

Fingers lightly stroke mine and my eyes flutter open. Chloe looks at me with her eyes half-closed and a small smile on her face. “I was pretty intense,” she whispers. “Did I make it harder on you?”

I hesitate because even now I don’t want to say words that could hurt her, even if true. As if reading my mind, and since it’s Chloe she knows me well enough to guess what I’m thinking, she says, “Don’t worry about hurting me. I want to know. I need to know.”

I nod slowly. “Yes.” There’s a tightness in my throat, squeezing, hurting and the word barely escapes. “You were…” Speaking hurts and I swallow in an attempt to loosen my throat. It doesn’t work.

“You were hurting too, and nothing I did seemed to help, just made it worse. But I was a fool for leaving you, because that didn’t help you at all!”

She looks away, but leaves her fingers on mine. Thoughts must be racing through her mind because traces of them pass over her face. She doesn’t share them though. “I uh…” she says, her voice unsteady. “I don’t hold that against you, leaving. I let that go a while ago.” She clears her throat then looks back at me.

“I never stopped looking for you,” she says. “That’s why I kept some of your stuff, to keep you alive.”

“And you kept texting my phone, too.” That brings a smile to her that lights up the car.

“Yeah. Kate encouraged me to do that. Have you read all the messages?”

“A few.”

Before I know what she’s doing, her fingers move to my face to touch my cheek. It’s light and quick and she breathes, “my feelings for you haven’t changed either.”

I look at her and see chin-length hair that is blonde and blue. Her quirky smile makes her eyes dance. The eye patch hides one of them and the scar adds to who she is.

“I’m… not… whole,” I whisper. “Whatever happened, I’m not 100% here. It’s like a part of me is lost somewhere.”

“That doesn’t matter,” she breathes and she scoots closer. Well, at least as close as she can with the center console in the way. The backs of her fingers stroke my cheek. “Let me be the part of you that’s missing. Maybe together you can be whole.” She leans closer and whispers, “I want to kiss you.”

And at that moment I realize I want this so much! Images and thoughts and emotions roar in me, a maelstrom of chaos that wants to burst forth and prevent what is happening! I hesitate and she waits, her eyes looking into mine. In the end, my hesitation allows her nearness and warmth and emotions to satisfy a part of me long hidden away and I whisper, “Ok.”

Her lips touch mine and for a moment my body is stiff and denying this should happen! Until a wave of passion washes through me and sweeps all that chaos away. My fingers are on her head, slipping up the smooth skin of her scalp into the bit of hair that hangs in the back. And I hold her close to me as I immerse myself in her.

A coolness touches my lips and I realize we’re no longer kissing. I open my eyes and find that I’m breathing heavily and feel tingly all over. “That was hella worth the wait,” she breathes. For a moment I think she wants to kiss again and my mind and body screams for it to happen. Then she scoots back into her seat and puts her seatbelt on.

“Damn, things got a bit hot and heavy in here,” she says. The windows are fogged so heavily we can’t see through them. She presses a button and the defrost kicks in.

I look at her, still lost in the moment of the kiss. She replaced the chaos with a calmness that I want to hold onto as long as I can. “I’ve never stopped loving you,” she mutters as she wipes the windshield with a sleeve. “I’m here for you.” A quick glance accompanies those words with a smile that I remember all too well.

We drive away away and I’m still transfixed by her. A slight color in her cheeks is the only hint of what that moment did to her. For me, it pierced through all sorts of hidden thoughts and emotions to strike at the core of my being. It was the first time we’ve kissed in more than five years, where I wasn’t someone else._ But am I really me?_

The time between the kiss and arriving where she works passes quicker than a thought. She parks the car, turns it off, and looks at me. “I’ll give you a quick tour and you can hang out, or you can explore the area. The park… there’s places there if you need to think. That’s… that’s why I wanted you to come with me today, so you could have space to think.”

When she opens the door, a draft of cold air blows in. I open my door and step out. A couple of quick steps finds us inside the building. The store is filled with all sorts of odds and ends. There are things I haven’t seen since my youth, such as VCRs and tape players, and many, many things I don’t recognize.

Several tiny rooms in the back constitute the employee area. Chloe hangs up her jacket and pulls on some overalls. Her name is stitched in blue on a white patch and I can’t help tracing the letters with my fingers. She grins down at me as she adjusts her right sleeve.

“You’re all…” words fail me as I look at her in uniform. “Grown up,” I finish half-heartedly. The words I wanted to say were bigger, better, but those were all I got.

“Come on,” she says and nudges my arm. “Let me introduce you.” She leads me down a tiny hall barely wide enough for one person to another room. Behind a desk piled with papers and parts and tools and an old laptop sits a wide-shouldered woman. A white tank top is stretched tight over her shoulders and reveals a beautiful array of tattoos. Her tight curls are a brilliant orange and close to her head on the sides, while fuller and bouncier on top.

“Janice,” Chloe says, “I’d like you to meet my friend, Max. She’s in town and staying with us. Is it ok if she hangs out today?”

Janice looks at us with brilliant green eyes. When she stands, she wipes her palms on her jeans and extends an arm across the desk. She’s as tall as Chloe or taller. “Nice to meetcha, Max,” she says with a deep voice rich in timbre.

“Hi,” I say, not certain what the right words are. _What do you say when meeting your friend’s boss?_ “That’s a uh beautiful voice. Do you sing?” _Oh, cringe!_

“As a matter of fact, I do,” Janice says as she reseats herself. “A little bit of everything, but mostly karaoke. No band or anything.” Her attention shifts to Chloe. “With you out yesterday, there’s a long worksheet waiting for you out back.”

Chloe sighs. “Guess that’s the signal for me to start the old grind.” Janice barks out a laugh.

“Girl, I’ve been grinding here since sunup. Ain’t nobody gets out of grinding. Unless you’re one of them super rich dudes which ain’t neither you nor I.” She gives a waggle of her fingers and Chloe turns to leave.

“You looking for work,” Janice asks me. “Cause I am short handed as fuck all.”

“Oh… um… I don’t know? I wasn’t really prepared…”

“No worries. Go on and watch your ‘friend’ work and think about it. You want something, you come talk to me.”

“Uh… ok.” I turn, confused, and follow Chloe’s retreating back. I hurry to be as close to her as I can and whisper, “What was that?”

“Lot of people don’t like doing this kind of work,” Chloe says over her shoulder. “It doesn’t pay a whole lot and isn’t exciting. People come and go here a lot. I think in the time I’ve worked here twenty or thirty people have passed through the shop.”

“Do you think I should take it?”

There’s an intersection in the hall, with another hall to our left, a door ahead, and another to our right. Chloe stops and steps to the side passage so she can look at me. “Do you want a job?”

I look at her, then around the passage. “If… I’ll need money… I just, it’s too soon I think? Or maybe because she asked me… I don’t know. Something makes me hesitate.”

She nods and says, “Extra income is always helpful. But it’s your decision.” After a pause she continues, “That’s the little employee break room.” She points straight ahead. “The restroom is in there. Over there is the door to the shop. I’ll be out back, which is where we came in.” She points to the left. “Have fun,” she says and walks down the hall with a wave.

I watch her walk out the door, then turn and enter the shop. For a long time I lose myself in exploring all the stuff in the store. While there is plenty of room to walk, each shelving unit is packed with items from floor to ceiling.

The variety of items incites the creative side of me and I easily imagine how we could make the house feel more like home. _Wait. Our house? I’m back only one day and already I’m considering their house mine?_ The thought causes me to step away from the current set of shelves. I look up and down the aisle, but I’m the only one here. With a final touch of the item, I turn and leave the shop.

Outside it’s still cold and brisk. I huddle my jacket closer to me and step to the sidewalk. To the right I spy greenery. _Must be the park Chloe mentioned. _I set off in that direction.

The park is a nice size, yet doesn’t have any playground equipment in it. A few walking paths among the trees and bushes, picnic tables, and benches along the paths, are the only things I see. And I’m the only person I see. I pick one of the paths and begin following it.

I let my mind wander as freely as the path. Despite my anxiety about possibly finding myself in another timeline, I know where I am is where I started. That thought isn’t fully comforting because I know I left people behind in those other places and I’m worried about them. Several Chloes, Kate, Victoria, and who knows are in the timelines I barely recall. Too many of them are only a faint blur in my memory.

Yesterday’s experience with my parents also weighs on my mind. The pain in my dad’s voice rips me apart even now. _I have to smooth things over with them somehow. Maybe Kate is right and I should visit mom after a few days._ A fleeting memory of being estranged from my parents in another time comes to me. _Is that what happened there?_

A particular stand of trees beckon me and I find myself in their midst. The wind doesn’t enter the space between the trunks, nor much of the sun. Despite that it seems warmer that beyond the trees and I find myself seated on the ground with my back against one trunk.

_Chloe. Kate. Victoria._ I bow my head and let go of the hold on my emotions. _I’m back home, but… my heart is still with them._ Right now I’m strung out and cried out and can barely register any emotions. Except a longing to see them again, to tell them what happened and help them be ok. _Will I ever see them again? Will they get the love and care they deserve?_

And with the restraint removed comes the memories, both good and bad. A knife flashing in the light. A gentle caress of the cheek. Shared jokes and laughs. Sorrow that cuts through everything.

The cracks are still there. A life hastily thrown together from a collection of memories. I am a favorite glass dropped and shattered, repaired in haste and without skill. Everything seems off-balance and askew.

_When will I break again and be cast across realities?_

I sit there with bowed head and clutching my legs for a long time. Memories run rampant through me, dragging me through lives I long for. _Can I even explain this to Chloe and Kate? Would they understand? I need to try, because if I don’t… I fear I’ll repeat what happened before._

The sun shifts across the sky and the shadows among the trees change. A shaft of light falls upon me, but the only sign I take it for is a sign to leave. Holding my jacket close to me, I leave the trees and return to the breeze and cold beyond. My feet find the path again, and wander the rest of its length.

_And here I had a hard time understanding how Kate and Chloe could pull me into their relationship. _Among the bushes alongside the path I find a lone flowering plant with thick purple petals. It’s unusual not only for its color, but also the fact it’s blooming when the weather is so cold. I kneel and touch its petals.

A pleasant scent wafts to my nose when I touch the flower. It reminds me of Victoria. Carefully, I pick one of the flowers and hold it in my hands. There’s a dull ache inside me, an emptiness that seems like it’s where all those people belong.

_Maybe that’s why I don’t feel all the way here: I miss my friends and wife from those other lives._ There is enough of a stem on the flower for me to tuck it into my hair. And in my bag I locate a hair pin, which quickly secures the flower.

I return to my feet and give one final look at the bush. _Goodbye little flowers. Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow if I come to work with Chloe again._

A gnawing inside tells me it’s time to eat. The path returns me to the sidewalk and I soon spy the cafe they told me about. Outside the door I pause._ Do I have any money?_ I open my satchel and check the contents. My wallet is tucked into a corner where I always keep it. I pull it out and check its contents. _Yep, a little money left… from five years ago. _After I replace the wallet, I open the door and enter the cafe.

Maybe a dozen tables of different shapes and sizes comprise the eating area. A counter is at the back, with a small cold food display and a register with a harried looking woman behind it. Behind her the top quarter of the wall is a chalkboard with the menu written in elegant script.

There are a number of sandwiches and baked goods on the menu, including several vegetarian and vegan options. Once I decide what I want, I walk to the counter and place my order. The lady is nice, but her smile seems strained. She gives me a number on a metal stand along with my change. A tip jar is next to the register so I put the change and a few dollars into then. Then I pick up the stand and turn to select a table. One by the window with only two seats appeals to me so I walk over and seat myself in the chair that lets me look outside.

The metal stand I place in the center of the table. The wallet I tuck into my bag, then lean forward and rest my arms on the table. Foot traffic on the sidewalk is sparse, as is car traffic. Instead of watching people, I watch the sun light slowly change the shadows at the park across the street.

“Here you go, hun.” The voice startles me and I sit back with a jerk. The woman behind the counter now stands near me with a tray. She sets a small metal stand on the table and lights a wick. On top of this she places a kettle. A teacup is placed on a saucer in front of me.

“Oh, this is nice,” I say, completely surprised by the tea setup. “I wasn’t expecting a whole pot!”

She ignores my comment and says, “Let it set for four minutes before pouring a cup. Sugar and honey are on the sideboard.” With that she leaves.

A glance around the cafe shows a long, low table against the wall near the counter. Not only do I see the sugar and honey, but silverware, napkins, and other things. Since I’m the only person here I take a chance and leave my satchel at my table while I go to the sideboard. Moments later I return with everything I need for my tea and meal.

The tea smells wonderful as I pour it into the teacup. Nice floral notes fill me with good thoughts. I’m stirring a little honey into the tea when the door opens and a lady, possibly in her fifties or sixties enters. She walks with a purpose to the counter, and out of my sight.

I ignore her ordering as I gently stir the tea. Not long after, my sandwich is delivered. I thank the person, a young woman, who smiles and nods as she walks away with the numbered stand in her hand. The sandwich looks so good with alfalfa sprouts and more in yummy layers between slices of rye bread.

First things first though, and I take a sip of the tea. The tea tastes as good as it smells and I close my eyes to savor it. A memory stirs of sharing tea with Kate in her room at Blackwell. _Does she do that still? Has she made tea for Chloe? I… suppose she’s tried since they’ve been together for years._

A shrill voice startles me from my peaceful enjoyment. “Did you put disgusting bee vomit in this!” My hand twitches and tea sloshes onto my hand. _Shit, that’s hot!_ I hurriedly put the cup on the saucer and grab a napkin. While I wipe the hot tea off my hand, I turn to look at the counter.

The new customer is shouting at the young woman about honey, or ‘bee vomit’ as she puts it, being in her drink. The woman looks ready to cry and I see the other worker in the back running forward. In the next moment, the customer pops the lid off her drink and throws the hot liquid in the face of the woman!

The worker begins screaming and scrubbing at her face! The customer throws down the cup and storms out of the cafe. The woman screams and screams while the other worker tries to help her. From here I can see her skin reddened by the liquid and my hand goes to my mouth as I begin to rise.

“Can you call 911,” the older worker yells at me. I freeze. _911? It’s that serious? I should rewind and do something!_

A sharp pain flares in my right wrist, a not so subtle reminder of how badly I fuck things up when I use my power. “What’s the use of your power when you only use it to hurt?” Kate’s bitter accusation roars in my mind and mixes with the agonized shouts of the younger worker, and the older one yelling at me to call 911.

_Just this once, please? Just this once!_

My jaw clenches as scenes of broken bodies and destroyed buildings runs through my head. They send a sharp pain into my heart and I gasp. _Please!_

A moment later the middle-aged customer stands at the counter about to take a sip of the drink. The moment she does, she makes a sour face and glares at the young woman. “Did you put disgusting bee vomit in this!” The worker flinches and opens her mouth to speak but the customer doesn’t let her say anything.

Her hand moves to the lid of the drink and I know what happens next. Before she can act, I enter the stillness of time. I stand and move through the world which resists my efforts. Even the air pulls at me, discontent with my impossible movement. Limbs trembling with fear make it harder to move, but I do.

Thankfully, I’m able to remove the drink from the customer’s grasp. I set it behind the counter, then find another cup and lid that match what she had. A warm tickling teases my upper lip and pain begins lancing my head in bursts. I place the cup in the customer’s hand and return to my seat. To stop my blood from dripping a line from the counter to my table, I keep one hand below my chin.

Pressure presses firmly against the inside of my skull, sharp and insistent. I fall into my chair, a hand pressed against my forehead as if I could keep it from exploding. The pounding ache fights my concentration and pulls at my control. I cover my nose with a napkin, then let time resume.

“What the fuck did you do,” I hear the customer screech. I turn and look. Her face is now twisted in anger as she stares at the empty cup in her hand.

The older worker enters the scene then. “You. Out, now,” she says in a commanding voice.

“Not without a refund,” the customer growls.

“You just tried to throw a hot beverage on her,” the worker says. “You will leave now before I call the police.” Her voice stays calm and level, but with a hard edge to it.

The customer makes a hmph sound and sniffs loudly before she turns on her heel. She stomps to the door, behaving like a young child, not someone well into their adult years. The worker keeps her eyes fixed on the woman until she disappears.

“Are you ok, Lily?” Her voice instantly transforms to one of warmth and care the moment the lady is gone.

“Yeah, just… can I take a break for a few minutes, Katrice?”

Katrice, the older worker, looks at Lily a moment, then grips her shoulder briefly. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Yeah, go take a break. It’s slow right now.”

I turn back to face the window and pull the napkin away from my face. The blood from my hand and nose turned it into a sopping mess. I place it on another napkin and use more to soak up the remainder that comes from my nose. It takes all my napkins to clean up the mess and make a paper wad that doesn’t explose any of the blood. I leave the table and plop the wad into a trash bin then get more napkins to clean the table.

Behind the counter, Katrice stands with her palms flat against the surface and head bowed. _Should I say something? Would that be weird?_

After a moment of hesitation, I place the napkins on my table, then make my way to the restroom. The cold water feels good on my hands as I scrub the traces of blood from them. The feeling that something bad will happen because I used my power won’t go away. It builds and builds and I scrub and scrub and _won’t something happen! Please let it happen so it’s done and over with!_

But the only thing that happens is I hyperventilate. It takes a while of me leaning against the sink, eyes fixed on the water flowing into the sink and swirling into the drain for the anxiety to ebb. Something bad is bound to happen and I can’t shake that feeling. I fumble with the faucet and manage to turn it off.

Water drips from the spigot. Each shimmering droplet a possibility of distaster, of wrongness. It doesn’t take much to tip the scales in the wrong direction. And when the possibilities already have you precariously balanced over a chasm on uncertain footing?

I look into the mirror and see the semblance of a woman staring back at me. Shattered and reassembled, an art project gone wrong, her cracks are all I can see. They grow, transforming into the void that wants to take me. And I want it to take me, to end this. Uncertainty. Guilt. Pain of heart. It doesn’t end. What good moments I enjoy always seem to have something bad follow them, to eclipse them.

It takes three paper towels to dry my hands and the small counter. Although my hands are clean, my mind is embroiled in thoughts that remove my happiness.

The sandwich awaits me at the table. Its smell makes my mouth water as I draw near it. I eat a few bites while I force my mind past the sense of doom and onto what just happened. More customers come in while I do, some for to-go orders while others eat in the cafe.

The sandwich is as good as it smells and I feel much better after eating it. As the last morsels go into my mouth I notice, finally, the help wanted sign in the window. _How did I miss that before?_ A cafe is more my style than whatever happens at the repair shop. Then again, I don’t know what Chloe’s boss wants me to do. _I guess I should ask her so I can make a fair comparison._

Once I’m done, I clean up my table and carry the trash to the bin. The tea pot sits on its stand on my table. _What do I do with that? I guess take it to the counter?_ Once I return to the table, I lift the pot and blow out the little flame. The base of the stand is cool to the touch and I pick up both and take them to the counter.

I stand there, hoping one of the workers will notice me. I really don’t want to speak up or flag them down and draw attention to myself. Finally, the younger one, Lily, sees me and comes over. “Thanks for bringing that to the counter,” she says and takes the pot and its stand from me.

“Can I uh get a job application,” I ask quietly. A startled look passes over her, then she says, “sure.” She carries the equipment into the back and returns a few seconds later with a sheet of paper. “Once you’re done, give it to Katrice.” I smile and thank her, then carry the paper back to my table.

There are a number of questions I can’t answer. What days and times can I work? Do I have reliable transportation? Where did I work last? What’s my address? Thankfully, Chloe is responsive to my texts and I manage to fill out the form. At the end, I do a quick review. Chloe texts me to ask what I’m doing.

**Max:** Filling out a job application

**Chloe:** cool. Close by?

**Max:** the cafe

**Chloe:** Awesome! Free food!

**Max:** Let’s wait until I get the job.

**Chloe:** you’ll get it. If there’s one thing you’re good at, it’s food!

I wrinkle my brow at that statement. _What does she mean?_ And I notice my phone is almost dead. _Crap! I guess it is over five years old. The battery must be shot._ I take the application to the front and manage to give it to Katrice without problem.

“Can you do an interview later today,” she asks after she scans the paper.

“Sure? I’ll be in the area, but I need to go charge my phone. The battery is almost dead.” _Why did I tell her that?_

“Once the lunch rush dies down, I’ll give you a call. Or do you prefer a text?”

“Text please!”

She smiles and places the paper below the counter. “If that’s one thing I agree with you Millenial’s about, it’s texting more than calls.”

_What’s a Millenial?_

“Oh… um… what position is this for?”

“Everything. Front counter. Food station. Coffee. Cleanup. Whatever you can be trained for.”

I nod at her reply, then turn and leave the cafe. The outside is warmer than it was this morning and I enjoy the brief walk to Chloe’s workplace.

_I should ask Janice more about the job._

Chloe is in the small employee room eating her lunch. A sandwich, some cookies, and a bottle of water are her simple lunch. A bright smile lights up her face when I walk in. A chair pops out from the table and she says, “Have a seat pete! Tell me about your morning!”

“In a sec. I need to charge my phone.” I set my satchel on the table and search it for my charger.

“Your charger’s at home,” she says around a mouthful.

“Well that sucks. Is there one here that works?” My satchel falls over when I stop the search.

Chloe finishes chewing and stands. “Maybe,” she says, and moves toward a small two-drawer file cabinet in the room. She opens the bottom drawer which is brimming with wires of all colors. After a brief search, she pulls out a small black power brick with a wire attached to it. “This should fit yours.” She plugs it into the outlet next to the cabinet and holds out her hand. A moment later my phone is plugged in and the charging icon appears.

“Oh, thank goodness! I’m supposed to be interviewed later today and I need to get the text message.”

“The cafe, huh,” Chloe says as she returns to her seat. “What will you do?”

“Uh… she said anything they need me for.”

Chloe’s eyebrows rise high. “Even counter and register?”

I sink into my own seat, following the sensation in my stomach, and nod. “Yeah, anything.”

She looks away and takes a swig of her water. “I wanna support you here,” she says, then shakes her head. “You, working with customers?”

“I know,” I agree. “When she told me, I didn’t think about it. It only occurred to me as I walked back here.”

“Are you gonna ignore Janice’s offer?”

“No.” I shake my head. “I’ll talk to her too.”

_What am I doing, finding work! While He’s out there, no one is safe._

But I do know what I’m doing. A few hours with Kate and Chloe and my heart yearns for the life we had. A mountain cabin with a beautiful view. Walks along the pond. Chloe teaching me how to throw. A pillow fight.

I lower my head into my hands so Chloe won’t see the shine of my eyes. Two forces pull at me, my heart and my mind. _But if I choose one, will life become better or worse?_

A little alarm sounds and Chloe scoots her chair back. “Breaks over,” she says and leaves the room. I sit a moment longer, trying to compose my thoughts. _Maybe tonight… I can talk to Kate and Chloe about… us._

After giving a loud sniff, I stand and wander toward Janice’s office. She’s seated inside typing away at the keyboard. At hearing my entry, she looks up and beckons me in. “Have a seat,” she says and returns her attention to the laptop.

I find a place to perch that doesn’t require moving anything. “Can you tell me about the job,” I ask and try to count how many piles of papers are in the room.

She turns from the laptop and considers me a while, then launches into a description of everything that needs done. And wow, is it a lot! One thing immediately leaps to my attention: no mention of dealing with customers! The pay isn’t bad either, especially considering I don’t really have experience. _Do I retain any skills I had in those other places?_

I leave the conversation with more than enough information. While I wait for a message from the cafe person, Katrice, I return to browsing all the stuff in the store. _If I take the job here I’ll be responsible for keeping all this organized. That could be fun. Or I could get too many ideas of things to purchase and blow my paycheck._

Working at the same place as a friend seems both exciting and troubling. _Chloe and I could spend a lot of time together and heal whatever breech I made by my disappearance. But what if I end up telling her what to do or the reverse?_

Janice takes up a position near the front of the shop while I browse. People do come and go, which I don’t recall from the morning. The place is a lot busier than I expected and I see just how frazzled Janice gets trying to juggle everything.

In between a wave of customers, I hear a ding from the back room. _A text message!_ I hurry through the doors into the room to look at my phone. The message is from an unknown contact, but the words tell me it’s Katrice.

**Unknown:** can you do the interview in 10 minutes?

**Max:** yes, brt

**Unknown:** kk

The battery is fully charged and I unplug the phone, put it in my satchel and sling that over my shoulder. Shortly, I am outside walking toward the cafe. It’s turned cold again, but not enough for my breath to cloud.

The cafe is as empty as when I entered the first time. Katrice and Lily are behind the counter cleaning. When Katrice sees me, she places her rag on the back counter, dries her hands and comes around. “We can talk over here,” she says and points to one of the tables near the window.

The interview is brief and we seem to really hit it off. At the end, she offers me a job and I hesitate. The pay is less than the other place, and has a few other negatives, but still I’m not sure what I want to do. “Can I think about it tonight and give you an answer tomorrow,” I ask.

“Sure. Will you know by noon?”

“Yes.” She smiles and I smile in return and stand. The walk back to Katrice’s shop passes quickly with my mind focused on analyzing both jobs. My hand reaches for the shop handle when I hear something that makes me freeze.

At the same time my phone dings with a message. With shaking fingers I pull the phone from my satchel and read the message.

**Unknown:** Kate’s in trouble!

The sound comes again, long and high, between a growl and a roar. A sound felt more than heard. Although distant, it reaches into my heart and bones with tendrils of fear.


	24. VoidHound

Disbelief stops my hand and my mind. _A VoidHound?_ _Kate? _For several seconds I stand in front of the shop, hand poised to open the door while I try to process both bits of information. The fear I’d shoved down in the cafe restroom comes rushing back and my stomach clenches.

_If my use of power brought a VoidHound here… I…_

I shake my head.

_I need to do better. They deserve better of me than to throw my time away in self-doubt._

The fear and concern about my ability moves to the back of my mind as I type out a message.

**Max:** is this Lynn? Where’s Kate?

I open the shop door and enter. Right when I close the door, Chloe comes running from the back. “Good, you’re here. Did you get a message from Lynn,” she says quickly as she comes up to me.

I show her my screen and she says, “I called Kate and she didn’t answer.”

When my phone dings, I look at the new message.

**Unknown: **Yep, Lynn. She’s supposed to be at work… I think he has her.

Chills run up and down my spine and I almost drop my phone. “Fuck! What’s the matter?” Chloe pulls my phone toward her and reads the message. “What does she mean ‘he has her’? Who’s he? And how does Lynn know?”

_I’m sorry Lynn, I think I need to tell Chloe. _I tap that out and send it with an apology. I collect my thoughts to tell Chloe, but before I can speak, my phone dings again.

**Unknown:** … ok tell her >: I’m at home.

“Chloe,” I say slowly. She’s pacing rapidly, muttering to herself. “Chloe!” When she doesn’t stop, I grab her shoulders. “Come on,” I say, “We have to go home and get Lynn. She… we… are in a lot of danger.”

A deep crease forms between her brows. “What danger?” Her voice is low and dangerous.

“I’ll try to explain on the way. We need to go, now!” She studies me another moment or two, her eyes flicking between mine the whole time. With a slow nod, she turns and runs to the back.

While Chloe runs off to tell Janice she needs to leave work early, I return to the employee room. There I take the charge cord with me. _Too bad I don’t have one for the car._

I put the cord in my satchel and return to the front of the store. Chloe comes a moment later and runs to the door. Together we exit the shop and run to her car. Once she unlocks it, we jump inside and she starts it while I put on my seatbelt. “Seatbelt,” I say firmly. “No sense in risking yourself.” She mutters a soft curse, but fastens her seatbelt.

While she tears down the street, I pull out my phone and add Lynn’s number to my contacts.

**Max:** we’re coming to get you. Stay there.

**Lynn:** No! Go to Kate’s workplace… you’re needed there.

**Lynn: **I’m sorry. You can do it.

I frown at that message.

**Max:** do what?

She doesn’t answer.

“Tell me what’s going on,” Chloe says as I lower my phone.

“You need to go to Kate’s work.”

“Ok. But what aren’t you telling me?”

With a sigh, I glance once more at my phone, then slide it under my leg. “I’m going to tell you something but it’s not about me. It’s about… Lynn. She’s scared that if I share this with you and Kate, you’ll treat her differently.”

For a while she doesn’t say anything. When she does speak, her voice is soft and measured. “Will it explain why the two of you talk about things you don’t share?”

I squirm a little and clamp my hands between my knees. “Yes.”

“Ok. Tell me and I’ll work hard not to treat her different.”

I let out a long breath and focus on the feeling of it leaving my body. There’s an urge inside to disconnect myself, let my mind wander free while I speak. I resist that urge, and redouble my efforts in focusing. “I’m not the only one in our group with a power. Lynn has abilities, too. I don’t know all that she can do, or how it works, but I do know she can kind of see the future.”

Silence fills the car. There are times I wish that was my ability, to dampen all sound. “How do you know this?” Her voice is so quiet I have to ask her to repeat herself.

“It took me a while, across several realities to figure it out. She’s never told me, but when I reappeared here in an empty house and the three of you were waiting for me, that was the last piece for me. She confirmed it for me yesterday.”

“Why…” Chloe’s voice dies suddenly.

“She’s scared, Chloe. Despite how close you are with her, there are things I think she doesn’t share. Did you know she considers herself a freak? With what she told me, I suspect the kids at school call her a ‘freak’ for reasons I don’t know. Yesterday she asked me not to tell you and Kate because home was one of her safe places. You and Kate mean a lot to her.”

I look at her in time to see a tightening of her mouth and eyes. “Fucking punks,” she mutters. “Don’t be calling my little sister a freak, I’ll freak them!”

“She wouldn’t want that,” I say and she shoots me a glance then relaxes.

“Yeah, I know. Doesn’t mean I have to like it. So… what about this person who has Kate. Who is he?”

She pulls the car to a stop at the end of her question and looks at me. The engine turns off. “Which building,” I ask as I open the door. She points, but I realize I didn’t need to ask.

The building Chloe pointed at has gaping holes in the walls. Glass and brick and bits of building are strewn about the parking lot. Dark splotches mix with the dirt and materials. Nearby a few people sit on the curb, arms and legs loose and spread and their heads bowed.

There’s a soft clunk as we close the doors. Then I hear another sound, one I never wanted to hear again. From within the building comes a howl between a growl and a roar. “Shit,” I exclaim and scurry back to the car. “Get away,” I shout at Chloe who’s wandered close to one of the holes.

_Where’s the blinding fear?_

Before I can ponder that question, a sound of hard nails on stone echoes from the hole and a large paw comes into view. That paw, larger than my hand, becomes all I can see as I’m seized in an unbreakable hold. Air slowly leaks from the area as more of the hound comes into view. 

_Fucking hell that thing is huge!_

Slowly, it steps from the building and walks toward me. I can’t breathe and the only sound is my heart pounding, pounding, pounding!

_Run!_

_Get away!_

_Do something!_

But I stand there, unable to do anything except watch the VoidHound come closer. The beast is all I can see. It consumes my sight and my mind. Its breath is hot and foul as it blows in my face. Then it’s an arm’s length away. It’s face is level with mine.

_They didn’t look this large in that other place!_

My body won’t respond, frozen in the terror that grips me. The same is mostly true with my mind, except my mind does have an escape. The hound takes another step and everything stops.

Including the fear.

I collapse in a weird slow motion fall through resistant air to the ground. Suddenly I can breathe and I stare at the sky, the hound’s snout directly overhead.

Many moments pass before I can even think. I roll to the side and rise to one knee. My heart still pounds and I can feel the blood trickling from my nose.

Thoughts race through my mind, possibilities for escape and solution. Ultimately, my options are limited. Flight is out of the question. I can’t abandon Chloe and Kate. And I can’t bring them into the stillness with me.

In the stopped world around us, people flee in all directions. Frozen in their scramble over cars, or leaping over obstacles, they flee, leaving me with the Hound. A bit of blue near a corner catches my eye; Chloe in mid-stride like all the rest.

I know what I have to do if I want to escape. If I want us to escape. The thought makes my heart sink and I gasp. Like at the cafe earlier, doubts plague me. Every time I use my power, something bad happens. _What will happen when I do this? Aside from compromising who I am?_

That’s the hardest part, just like it was with the truck driver. It doesn’t matter that it’s an animal in front of me, an unknown creature that possibly wants to harm me and others. It doesn’t matter because it’s still life which is valuable to me.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper to myself and close my eyes. _No, I shouldn’t hide myself from what I do!_ I force my eyes open and look up at the creature. With a groan I force myself to my feet.

The beast is beautiful in its own way: shimmering fur the color of lilacs with darker tips. The eyes are a dark purple and as I study it, they move!

With a gasp I step back and one of its legs begins raising!

_No! It can come in here with me!_

Innumerable cracks form in it, so many their black edges transform the creature to a dark black. I let time resume and it turns into sand-like stuff that retains the beast’s momentum, falling forward onto the asphalt and me. A thick layer of hound dust spreads across the ground and I stare at it.

A person calls my name.

What used to be a living, breathing, beautiful, albeit dangerous, creature now is a strange scattering of sand.

_And I did that._

My name is called again.

_I turned it into… that!_

“Max!”

Startled, I whip my head up to find Chloe standing close to me. Her hands are on my shoulders and her eyes are wide and her hair a mess. _Everything is a mess._

“Are you ok,” Chloe asks.

“Yes.” _No._

My voice is distant and flat. Chloe’s eyes narrow. But she doesn’t push me. _Why doesn’t she push me?_

“Come on,” she says after a brief hesitation. “We need to go inside and look for Kate.”

“Ok,” I answer in my distracted way. Chloe moves away several steps. I watch her go. She stops and looks back. Her eyes narrow again and she returns to my side.

“We need to stick together in case there are more of those… things around,” she says and takes my hand.

“VoidHounds,” I offer. Her gaze becomes intense.

Then, with a shake of her head, she says, “VoidHounds. Whatevs, we need to find Kate!” She moves again; her hand gently pulls me. My legs walk on their own, propelled by her constant motion and need.

The inside of the building is destroyed. Broken furniture, walls, water, papers, and more are everywhere. For a moment I stand in the broken halls of Blackwell with Lynn as we search for the restroom. Then reality reasserts itself. We search and call, well Chloe does those things. I follow along, numb to everything, mind consumed by what I did. Eventually police and other first responders appear and escort us away.

A blanket is wrapped around me, warm but itchy. “Are you ok,” Chloe asks again.

This time I answer truthfully. My voice shakes in time with my body. “No. I… I killed that thing… that VoidHound… I don’t like killing. I… I’ve done too much of that. And Kate…”

An arm wraps around my shoulders and pulls me to the left. “I’m sorry you had to do that,” Chloe whispers. “It likely was you or it. One of you wouldn’t come away from that. That doesn’t make you evil or bad.”

We sit together in the open end of a responders vehicle, me with my itchy blanket staring at the ground. A light breeze blows some of the hound dust across the asphalt.

“Did you find Kate?” I ask in my detached voice.

“No.” She hides it well, but I can hear the fear and anger and anguish in her voice.

“Is Lynn here?”

“She’s on her way. Taking the bus.”

I pull the itchy material closer to me. It chafes my neck. I don’t deserve a soft, comfortable blanket. “I’m sorry, Chloe.”

“We’ll find her and then-“

“That’s not what I mean,” I interrupt. “I’m sorry… for causing all this. For coming back and bringing… this!”

More of the hound dust rolls across the parking lot and Chloe doesn’t say a single thing in response. “If… I don’t know if I had a choice… but I don’t wish this on you. When I woke up yesterday my first thought was to fix all my mistakes and heal the wounds I caused. Only now… I’m making them worse.”

“No fucking way are you making them worse,” Chloe says. “Did you kidnap Kate? Did you make that hound thing appear? Did you do all this damage? None of this is because of you, Max! None of it! And there are no wounds. Not with me. Not with Kate. We put that behind us and let go of it. We meant what we said.”

I give her a brief smile. Her words warm my heart, even though they don’t last very long.

A couple of police offers talk to us, well to me. Others saw the hound step from building and while everyone else fled, enough people put the clues together to figure out I didn’t. But I have nothing to report to them. Sure, I give a description of the hound, but tell them I froze in terror and eventually blacked out. It’s close enough to the truth that it doesn’t bother me.

_Why here? Why now?_

I suspect the now, but not the why nor the here. The fact the hound was at Kate’s workplace is too strong a coincidence. It was here intentionally. For me or her or someone else, who knows.

The cops talk to me several times, likely trying to make certain my story stays the same. At the end, they do nothing. What can they do? File paperwork and issue an alert to be on the lookout for a giant purple dog?

_How did it cross over?_

Chloe holds me tight through the whole thing. I know she’s worried about Kate and covering it up with her care for me. She also lets some of her bluster and spirit through, pushing back on the officers questions when they hound me, walking a thin line with them. With a situation out of the ordinary I suppose that works in her favor.

Two feet enter my view. Unlaced tennis shoes with custom art and blue jeans, these are all I can see. I let my eyes wander up and am not surprised to find Lynn in front of us. Her face is like stone, her eyes thin slits as she looks at me.

“I’m sorry, Lynn,” I whisper and raise my hand toward her. “We were too late. She was already gone.”

Her face softens at my words. “It’s not you I’m mad at,” she says and briefly touches my hand. When she pulls away like she was shocked, I recall that she has a crush on me.

_I can’t even give her comfort for fear it will be misconstrued._

I tighten my hand as that thought churns through my mind.

Chloe makes up for it by laying a hand on Lynn’s shoulder. “Sorry, Lynn,” she says, “we came as soon as we got your text. That thing was already here.”

With a nod, Lynn returns her gaze to me. “We need to go somewhere and talk.” She looks at Chloe then back to me. “I’m sure you have questions.”

Chloe stands up and wanders over to a group of officers.

“I told her,” I tell Lynn. “She took it well… I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” she mutters. “It had to come out. I just… hoped it never would or that it would happen in some amazing way not…” Her eyes turn toward the devestation around us.

Right now it doesn’t matter that she has a crush on me. I stand, let the blanket fall to the ground, and step close to her. Her shoulders are level with the top of my head and I look up at her. “Is it ok if I give you a hug,” I ask.

There’s a faraway look in her eyes as she considers my request. Finally, she nods and I throw my arms around her in a side-on hug. “We’ll get her back,” I say. “We’ll…” My voice chokes on the words I want to say. The words that Lynn across the spectrum of my realities want to hear. Words that Max… I should have said and done long ago.

“We’ll get all of them back. Every last one of them.” And in that moment, I am more certain of that than I’ve ever been about anything.

Lynn ducks her head, her long hair falling around her face to hide it. “I know we will,” she whispers and her voice is hoarse and choked like mine. “It’s getting to that point… so many things. So much pain and hurt I see.”

Chloe returns then and gives us a guarded look before clasping Lynn’s shoulder. “We’re cleared to leave,” she says. “The car is over here. Do you want to go home or somewhere else?”

Lynn looks at me and I drop my arms from around her. “We should go home and pack,” she says. “We’ll be gone a few days.”

“Can we do that,” I ask incredulously. “Chloe has a job, she can’t just abandon it.” Lynn looks at me and opens her mouth to speak but I raise my hands. “I’m not saying we stay here. Just… do all of us have to go? I mean… chances are some of us won’t return… best if we minimize that.”

“Fuck,” Chloe hisses. “Did you just offer to… go off and die or something? No fucking way I’m staying here while the two of you leave and I’m not resting until Kate’s safe. Both of those… all three of you are more important than my job or the house!”

“Ok,” I say with a sigh. I’m very relieved it’s working out this way, even though I fear what the future holds. “Let’s go pack.”

We follow Chloe to the car and get in. With all the extra vehicles it takes a while to extricate ourselves and reach an uncrowded street. We pass several news vans on the way and I whisper a silent thank you that none of the reporters found me. I dread to think what I might do or say under their questions.

The drive home is quiet, without even music playing. I’m in front with Chloe and Lynn sits in the back. I expected Chloe to have a lot of questions for Lynn, but all she does is frown while we drive. We’re almost to their house when I reach over and place my hand on her shoulder. “We’ll get Kate back,” I say.

“How do you know that,” she fires back at me.

“I know how to get her back,” Lynn says. “Or at least the method with the highest probability of success.”

Chloe relaxes a fraction after that, and then she parks the car and turns off the engine. She holds up the keyring by one key and hands it to me. “This is the house key.”

“Aren’t you coming in,” I ask as I accept the key.

“I need to talk to Lynn. Alone,” she says with a glance into the rearview mirror.

I look between the two of them. There’s a tension in the air that formed the moment we parked. “Ok,” I say, “but I don’t know where any stuff is.”

“It’s ok, we’ll only be a few minutes.”

I exit the car into the chill evening air and walk to the front door. Before I open it, I look back. The car interior is too dark for me to see, but I think they’re still in their seats.

The house interior is dark and it takes me a moment to find the lightswitch and flick it on. _What am I going to pack?_ I close the door behind me while I ponder that. The only clothes I have are what I wore when I appeared here, and the few they bought me last night at Target. _I guess I could wash my old clothes?_

Only, I don’t have to because I find them folded neatly on my pillow. _Kate?_ A sharp pain hits me in the chest and my fingers tighten on the clothes as I pick them up. For a moment, honey and sunshine fills the air and my sight gets all blurry. _We’ll find you, Kate! And I’ll put an end to all of this. Like I should have done five years ago._

The door opens and Chloe and Lynn enter. Chloe’s whistling and Lynn looks positively happy. _That was fast. What did they talk about?_

“Do you have a small back pack I can use,” I ask instead. I quickly wipe my eyes.

“I’ve an old one from last school year,” Lynn says. “It’s a bit beat up but usable.”

“I think Kate has one,” Chloe also says. “I’ll grab them.” She disappears down the hall and Lynn wanders toward the kitchen. I look several times between them before I follow Chloe. She’s in her bedroom. A well-worn black pack with patches is on the bed. She’s in the closet moving stuff around on the shelf.

“Here it is,” she says and pulls down a light pink pack with soft blue piping. She sets it next to the other. Lynn’s pack is much larger, but so worn I’m concerned about it lasting long. Finally, I pick up Kate’s.

“That’s a better choice,” Lynn says from the door way, which causes me to jump in surprise.

“You really like sneaking up on people, don’t you,” I say as I turn to look at her.

She shrugs, enters the room, and picks up her old pack. “Wow, that’s much worse than I remember. You’re better off with the other bag. I’ll put this away.”

The next few minutes are spent by each of us stuffing clothes into packs and grabbing various things from the house we think we’ll need. For me, the task takes less than five minutes. After that, I check in on the others to find ways I can help.

We grab some food from the cupboards and then leave. When Chloe locks the door to the dark house, I wonder who will see it again and when.

It’s late into the evening as we pile into the car and head out. Like before, I’m in the front with Chloe while Lynn gets the whole backseat to herself.

A few minutes into the drive, Chloe says, “Now, which of you is gonna tell me what’s going on? Where are we going? What are those… VoidHounds? And who is this guy that has Kate?”

We’re silent a few minutes. Me, I’m thinking of what I want to say and how. But then Lynn jumps right into it.

“Drive to Arcadia Bay,” Lynn says from the back seat. Chloe shoots me a glance, then looks into the rearview mirror.

“You know that place is all private property now,” she says.

“What?” I don’t bother trying to hide my surprise. _Another thing that’s like the reality where I lost my memory._

“Yeah, not long after you disappeared, Kristine Prescott showed up with money and bought up the town,” Chloe says with a glance at me. “No one was rebuilding and the State was trying to figure out what to do with it. She solved that problem for them, then fenced it off. The highway was rerouted around it. The lighthouse is on public land, but everything that was the town proper is now part of the Prescott Estate.”

“That’s…” Words fail me as I ponder that. “That’s kind of how it was in a couple of my realities.”

“Is that where Kate is,” Chloe asks with another glance at Lynn.

“No… at least I don’t think so,” Lynn says. “You should know that I can’t exactly ‘see’ the future. More like… probabilities. A few times I’ve seen something with such absolute certainty I didn’t question whether it would happen. Too many times I’m guessing which will occur.”

“Well that sucks,” Chloe says.

“Can you control it,” I ask and turn to look at Lynn.

“Yes and no. I can look for the probabilities, but not always control whose or what I see. I’m still working it out.”

“Looking into the probabilities isn’t all you can do, is it,” I ask.

Lynn looks out the window, the world outside now dark with night. Cars illuminate her face in flashes with their passing lights. She’s a beautiful young woman, like her sister. “No, it’s not,” she whispers and I strain to hear it over the constant background music Chloe has playing. I turn off the radio and glance at Chloe.

“You’re able to… connect? With other versions of yourself in the other realities.” I don’t know if I’m asking a question or stating something I know.

Her face hardens and I think she’s trying not to cry. Suddenly, I realize that’s exactly what she’s trying to do. “Oh! So… you see…” I stop myself before I can say it aloud.

“What does she see,” Chloe asks.

“I…” How do I tell Chloe she’s being insensitive?

“I see mom and dad and Sarah still alive,” Lynn says. The anguish in her voice cuts through me and I clutch my chest as something inside me sinks.

“Oh.” Chloe looks at me, her mouth a thin line, then returns her gaze forward. “That…” What she wants to say never materializes.

We’re out of town now, headed West and the lights of Portland fade behind us. I dig out some of the snacks we retrieved from the house and hand them out. For a moment I’m struck with the memory of Kate doing that as we fled the mountain cabin.

After Lynn’s admission, we fall into silence. Chloe doesn’t turn on the radio and I let my thoughts occupy me. _The last time I traveled to Arcadia Bay as myself was when Chloe, Ethel and Kate kidnapped me. Wait a minute… how do I remember what I… damn this is confusing!_

Lights from occasional homesteads pass us by. “If Arcadia Bay is now a private estate, or whatever,” I slowly say, “where will we stay tonight?”

“And,” Chloe adds, “why go to the Bay?”

Lynn stays silent for a minute or two. “There’s still power to the town, and other services,” she says in a small voice. “There are people there-“

“Wait,” Chloe interrupts. “People? I thought Kristine had the town shut down!”

More silence. I look back but in the darkness of the car I can’t read Lynn’s expression. “It’s…” Her voice fades into a whisper then silence. “Sorry,” she says a moment later. “I can’t quite see it.”

“Were you using your power,” I ask gently. I see her head move in a nod.

“I don’t think Kristine is actually involved, but I can’t get enough information.”

“So if there’s power and people,” I slowly say, “we could sleep in one of our old homes or another house.”

“If no one’s in it, sure,” Chloe says. “Do we have to sneak in?”

Another long pause. “Yes. We should sneak in.” Another pause. _This is strange. I wonder if this is what it’s like for other people when I use my power. Things just happen for them and I have information I didn’t a moment ago._

“Park the car… at my old house. It will be a long walk, but it gives us the best probability we won’t be spotted.” Lynn’s voice still sounds distant.

“Can you see anything about the people there,” I ask.

“No. I’ve tried. It’s like… I can see weird outlines, but no real details. It’s hard to explain, like it’s their shadow or essence or something. It’s really frustrating and makes me want to just… do something … I don’t know.”

“So,” Chloe says, “We park at your old house. Walk the hour to town. Find an empty house to sleep in. Avoid people. Do something. What are we supposed to do in Arcadia Bay?”

“Max,” Lynn says hesitantly. “You need to bring back Rachel Amber.”


	25. Rachel

“Bring back Rachel,” Chloe says and there is so much happening with her voice I can’t begin to understand the emotions in it.

“She’s key to all this,” Lynn says.

A memory hits me, hard. A sharp briny tang fills my nose and I hear the crash of surf. Fingers stroke the inside of my right wrist, tracing the scars there. Chloe is in my space, heated and relentless in her fury.

“And when you finally had a chance to make it up to me, what do you do? You throw the chance away! You didn’t even try to save me, let alone Rachel. What do you think ‘save everyone’ means, Max? It means everyone, not just those fuckers at your school! Not just the bitch you could get in the sack.”

A hand touches me and suddenly I’m in a car at night. By the light of the dash I see it’s Chloe’s hand on my arm. The fingers of my left hand are digging into my right wrist. I drop the hand to my lap when I realize that.

“You ok,” Chloe asks.

So many answers fly through my head at her simple question that it takes me a while to answer. “I… don’t… know,” I say slowly. “For a moment… I wasn’t here. I was back in one of those other realities.” The scratches on my wrist throb and burn.

“You aren’t all here,” Lynn whispers. If Chloe hears that she doesn’t say anything.

And then we’re at the remains of the Marsh house. Chloe pulls into the driveway, parks and turns off the car. “Well,” she says, “best get a move on, it’s an hour from here to town by foot.”

We exit the car and grab our packs. My coat is just warm enough to keep the night’s chill at bay. Chloe locks the car and we follow her, in single file, to the road and turn toward Arcadia Bay.

Trees lay where they fell five years ago. Some are split or burst, their splinters scattered across the landscape. Here and there a bit of green pokes through as nature regrows.

Existence becomes about putting one foot in front of another and trying my best not to let my mind wander into memories of the last time I did this. I dare not even think about what we need to do, what I need to do, for fear it will cause something else.

Step after step, minute after minute, we trudge on. No conversation, just us, our footsteps, and the sounds of the wild. A few minutes from where we left the car, we find a gate across the road. A sign above it proudly declares _The Prescott Estate. _There are no guards at the gate in this reality and, after a quick check, we hop it and continue on.

Wind and the occasional animal call occupy me for a time and I sink into an emptiness in my mind. Thus it takes a while for the change in the land to slip into my consciousness. When it does, I stop and my jaw hits the ground.

Where there should be a land blasted by an unnatural storm is instead lush vegetation. Pristine forests filled with life border an unbroken road. “This… isn’t right,” I whisper.

Lynn looks back at me, her face unreadable. “How should it be?”

“Not… when I came back here five years ago, everything was gone. Destroyed. Everything! There’s no way these trees could have regrown like this in five years!”

She shrugs and glances at Chloe. “It’s always been this way.”

_No. No! What does it mean?_

A hand slips into mine and gently tugs. “We need to get going,” Chloe whispers in my ear. “If we stay here someone will find us.”

I let her pull me along, my feet knowing better than I what to do. The wrongness of the beauty around us scares me. I look this way and that as we walk, seeking an explanation or danger or who knows what?

On and on we go, Lynn in the lead, Chloe guiding me, and my head on a swivel. Until we reach the outskirts of town and see the first homes, untouched by anything. Then, the memories and feelings begin to crowd in.

The morning breeze blows the smell of destruction and death out to sea. But it can’t take reality with it. Power lines and buildings are strewn about the streets like an angry child kicked over its play set. Navigating the streets is a challenge with all the debris. It means instead of a quick drive through town to make our escape, Chloe and I drive at a crawl through many side streets in her truck before we make it to the Southern stretch of the 101.

It means I see the results of my decision. Or maybe it was inaction? Maybe I was so scared of losing Chloe, of facing the results of my neglect, that I let inaction make the decision for me. _No, I tore the photo. That was decisive._

And I’m only doubting myself because as we drive we pass many dead. Caved in walls, shattered and collapsed buildings all give me a view into the hidden lives of the townspeople. _More like their hidden deaths._ And they are hidden no more.

_I caused this. I killed thousands of people! What happened to me? What have I become? Last week my only concerns were the Everyday Heroes project and homework. Now…_

I don’t want to see the destruction, the death, my decision. But I make myself. _Don’t hide from it! Don’t be ashamed. You chose this! You chose her!_

A hand touches my shoulder at that moment, as if she can read my mind. I look over and the brightness of day is replaced by the darkness of night and I jerk backwards.

“Are you ok,” Chloe asks.

“N-no,” I say as I catch myself from stumbling. I look at her a few moments, then at the world around us. “I was remembering the day we left.”

She draws close and puts her arm around me. “Is this ok,” she whispers as she matches her walk to mine. My response is to put my arms around her. I don’t care that it’s awkward. I need this closeness right now. Much better to walk oddly with the warm, living person I care about, than the cold terror of my memories.

“She’s losing touch with this reality.” Lynn’s words float to us on the night breeze, incomprehensible and unknowable.

“What can we do?” Chloe sounds concerned, but why?

“Keep holding her.”

The town is dark, which surprises me. I expected lights or some evidence of life based upon what Lynn said earlier. But of course, there is evidence. The destruction that loomed large in my mind just now is gone. Buildings are repaired or replaced by empty lots.

“Fucking weird,” Chloe whispers. I can only nod my agreement.

“Are you sure we want to stay the night,” I whisper to Lynn.

She looks at us, then immediately looks away. _Fuck! I bet seeing us hold each other hurts._ _Why does this have to happen?_

“Yeah.” Her voice is weak and strained. “You’ll want to do it in the daytime.”

“Ok. Where do we stay then?”

“How about my old house,” I offer. I’m concerned that staying in Chloe’s will bring back too many memories for her.

“Sure,” Chloe says. “I haven’t been there in ages.” Together we make our way along the streets until we come to my old house. “Does anyone live here,” Chloe hisses.

There’s a pause before Lynn says, “No. It’s one of the vacant ones.” She steps onto the porch and turns the knob. The door opens with a soft click and she goes inside. “Leave the lights off,” she hisses as we follow her.

There are a few pieces of furniture in the house, but most of the contents are storage boxes. “I’ll take the couch,” Lynn says and tosses her bag on it. “You two take the bed.”

I open my mouth to disagree, but close it with a snap. “Ok,” I say instead. Chloe has meanwhile wandered to one of the walls and is doing something to it. A moment later we hear a thunk, and then a sharp burning smell. That’s followed by blowing air.

“I turned the heat on,” Chloe says when she turns around. “It’s gonna get cold tonight.”

“Thanks,” Lynn says as she flops herself on the couch. “I’ll see you two in the morning.”

Chloe asks her a question, but Lynn’s response is to say, “Goodnight.”

With a shrug, Chloe turns and heads up stairs. The steps are bare wood and creak as we mount them. I barely remember this house anymore, what with everything that’s happened in the past ten years. It’s strange to think that I’ve lived away from Arcadia Bay almost as long as I lived in it.

We go to the bedroom and place our packs on the floor. Chloe grabs her toothbrush and toothpaste from her bag, along with her pajamas and goes to the restroom. I start poking through the closets. I find what I want in the other bedroom. A set of sheets, pillowcases, and blankets. After I return to our room, I strip the bed and toss the old sheets in the corner. The folded sheets I give a good shake before I make the bed. They’ve been sitting in the closet for five years now.

Photos rest on the floor around me. Moments captured forever with ink and paper. I pull another photo from the box and stare at it. It’s a picture of Chloe on her sixteenth birthday; an event I completely missed. The ache inside me intensifies as I gaze at her standing with the cake. Her slightly pissed off look is one I’ll forever treasure. That I’ll never see again.

“That looks cozy.” Chloe’s voice startles me. I cry out and stumble backwards.

“What’s up,” she asks as she catches me.

“I…” Instead of answering, I bury my face in her shoulder and hold her. When I think I’m composed, I push away and look at the bed. “It should be warm.”

“Were you in another place?”

I nod. My eyes stay fixed on the bed.

She’s silent for a time, then steps to the bed and sits on it. “I wonder if there’s any food in the fridge.” She bounces on the mattress edge.

“Don’t know, but if we want to avoid light, opening the fridge won’t help.”

“True.”

It’s difficult to see her in the dark, but I think she’s looking at one of the curtained windows. “Which side do you want,” I ask as I begin searching my pack for my toothbrush and clothes.

“I’ll take this side.” She spins and lies down on the right side of the bed. I place the bags on the floor and then go to the restroom.

It’s hard to see in the small room with the only light coming from the window on the far wall. It’s even worse when I close the door. I open it again so I can see enough to brush my teeth. It doesn’t take me long to do what is needed.

Chloe is already under the blanket and sheets, staring up at the ceiling. I place my clothes and toothbrush on my bag.

“Don’t forget to turn out the light,” she says. I giggle and snort, and try to cover it up which makes me snort again.

“Aren’t you funny,” I manage to say as I walk to the other side, flip up the covers and slide into bed.

She turns to look at me and we lay facing each other for a time. “My Max,” she whispers and brushes the hair from my eyes. Before I realize it, she’s leaned forward and kissed my forehead.

“Do you think we’ll find Kate?” Her voice is steady, but the fact she’s asking says a lot. I can’t help drawing the parallels between now and five years ago.

“I do,” I say with what I hope is confidence. I think she’s looking into my eyes, but it’s hard to tell. She scoots a little closer. “Hey,” I whisper, “Chloe…”

“I’m not gonna try anything,” she says and my cheeks immediately burn. She must have guessed the thought that ran through my head. “Other than hold you. Later. If it’s ok. Right now I want to talk. Tell me more about those other places. Where you were the last five years.”

“That’s five years and at least four different lives I can remember. And thousands more that are a blur,” I say. “It’d take too long. What would you like to know?”

“Were we together?”

“In one life, yes. You and Kate were together. Like here. And like here I didn’t handle the destruction of Arcadia Bay very well.” I tell her about that life, or at least what I recall. Being stuck in a state where I didn’t have all my memories. The strange sensation of Chloe and Kate knowing me, but my not knowing them. The Doctor.

I keep the retelling brief, hitting only the high points. “It took me too long,” I say, “but I began suspecting there was more to Lynn. She’d give me the things to know or do before I needed them.”

“What was it like without your memories?”

I think about that a while before responding. “Strange. Like my life began two weeks ago. Everything before that was hazy. Like everything I did was made up.”

She hesitates, then rolls onto her back. “Tell me about… where you became me.” Her hand are folded onto her chest as she stares at the ceiling.

“When asked to choose between you and the town, I made a different choice,” I whisper, then pause. The memories here are muddled and strange, like I’m living another person’s life. And maybe I am, or was. “I returned to the restroom, and once you and Nathan were talking, I went into the stillness. I couldn’t stay in it long. When I exited, he was pointing the gun at you. I surprised him. He shot me, but somehow I became you. That part is all jumbled up.”

“If you had to do it over,” she whispers. “What you would do?”

“Do what over?” I know the answer, but it frightens me and I don’t want to guess.

She looks at me. “Me or the town.”

“You.” I move my hand to take hers. “Always you.”

I think she smiles at that. “But it still tears at you, doesn’t it? The choice.”

“Yes.” I study her, the way she lays. Her eyes are focused on the ceiling above. It reminds me of sleepovers as kids and we’d stay up late telling stories or talking about life. Her eyes would always be fixed on things only she could see.

“I… I won’t trade you… even when life was bleakest and I thought I was bringing you more pain than anything… I never thought of changing that decision.” In the pale light that peeks through the curtains I think I see a glitter around her eyes. Cautiously, I squeeze her hand. “Are you ok?”

She nods and moves a hand to trap mine between hers. We lay like that a while, me studying her profile while I try to avoid thoughts of tomorrow.

“May I ask you something?” My voice is barely a breath, filled with hesitation and nervousness.

“Sure.”

“Five years ago, after we left… Arcadia Bay… did I kill anyone?”

Her eyes glitter in the darkness as they study me. “No, you didn’t. We traveled all over Oregon, didn’t contact anyone. Well, other than Kate. Both of us were trying to come to terms with what happened here. We had arguments. You… didn’t use your power again. Why… do you ask?”

Her words are in conflict with the memories that even now rise and torment me. When I’m silent for a time, her hand tightens on mine. “Because,” I gulp, “my memories of here and… other places have me killing people… so many people.”

Fingers touch my cheek and I’m surprised to find that the darkness is a blurry mess. A body presses against me, arms around me in a comforting embrace. It takes all my will not to shove her away as scenes of destruction and ruin and death and murderous glee screech through my mind.

I’m trembling from the scenes and barely feel the small circles drawn on my back. “That’s not who you are,” she whispers. “That’s why the destruction of the Bay hurt you so much. The care and love you have for life is one of the deepest I’ve known. It took me a long time to understand that was at the root of your despair.

“It’s ok to feel that pain and hurt over loss of life. To mourn. You weren’t responsible for it. And you’ve never taken a life. You cherish it.”

I shake my head. I need to deny what she’s saying. It doesn’t match what I see in my memories, what I know in my heart. The tide within rises. It wants to consume me, to reshape me. I can’t let it. I bury my head against her and try to focus on her warmth and presence, to let her saturate my thoughts instead of the memories.

“Tell me about your memories. Maybe sharing them will help you.”

I hesitate because I don’t want to put this burden on her. The guilt and horror I feel about myself, she doesn’t deserve. Yet, she offered to hold these memories with me. There was only calm and warmth in her voice.

Beginning with the first of the scattered memories of Max Effect, I tell her. I share with her my corruption at the hands of the one who was supposed to help me, Doctor Smith. My memories of capriciously taking the life of those who wronged me as we traveled Oregon I let her hold.

Gentle questions meet my ragged silences. She doesn’t doubt these things occurred; she doesn’t deny them. She treats them as a part of me, who I am. With her care and encouragement to open up, she holds these memories with me. I shudder and shake, filled with guilt and hatred and anger and betrayal and so many more emotions let loose by the memories. Her fingers caress me as she holds me loose against her.

The experience drains me. At each pause, each turn of the tale I expect her to reject me. She must reject me, because of my record of ruin and destruction!

She doesn’t. Her arms stay around me, comfort me, and sooth me.

I am spent and weak and not myself. She gently tilts my head to look at me. “Thank you,” she breathes with a smile. Her fingers brush my bangs; they trace from my brows down to my jaw.

“You have been through so much,” she continues. “And suffered at the hands of assholes like that Doctor Smith. Thank you for trusting me with those memories.” Lips lightly press against my forehead.

“There’s more,” I say when I can see her eyes again. I hesitate a moment before saying, “I’m afraid of my power. Every time I use it… bad things happen.”

“Like?”

“Like… earlier today, I saved a woman from being burned. Next thing I know, there’s a VoidHound in town, Kate’s missing, and… well.” I let my voice trail into silence.

“I see,” she says after a time. “And you have other examples like that?”

I nod.

She considers me in the darkness, her fingers on my chin. “Those may be coincidences,” she says slowly. I don’t want to ruin the moment, so I stay silent. My mind doesn’t as it screams in denial.

To change the subject, I lower my eyes and say, “What about you? What do you think about me bringing back Rachel?”

Because I’m not looking at her, I don’t know how my words land. But I feel the sudden stiffness in her body and that her fingers fall from my chin.

There’s a sharp intake of breath before she says, “It will be good to see her again.” The words are distant and lack the emotion I expected. When I look at her, her eyes are closed.

“Chloe,” I whisper then hesitate. _She just did the same for me!_

“Tell me… what you’re thinking… what you’re feeling. Please?”

Silence stretches out, broken only by the beating of my heart. Even her breath I cannot hear, so quiet is it.

When she speaks, her voice is broken and words seem to fly everywhere. “I didn’t come back for her! I… I forgot about her! First it was the town being destroyed, then trying to sort through us and what that storm did. Then Kate and Lynn and life got complicated! Before I knew it… I was just trying to survive and never made the time to come back for her!”

The tears in her voice break my heart. “I’m sorry, Chloe. That… must hurt so much.”

“And now,” she continues, “now I’m feeling a lot of what I did five years ago and I’m trying to keep it under control. The pain of losing her… it’s still there! She didn’t deserve to die and she didn’t deserve for me to leave her there. And…” Her voice trails into a garbled sound.

I try to put my arms around her, like she did me, but she rolls onto her back. Her hands scrub at her face and her hair. “We were friends… and more… then friends again, but there was a distance between us in the last months. Her disappearance and death left so many unanswered questions, so many things in the air.

“What will she think of you? Of Kate? Of my moving on with life? Of my… abandoning her.”

In the darkness, the light from the window opposite softly illuminates her. She breathes deeply, head facing the ceiling and one arm tucked under her head.

“I don’t know what she’ll think.” I touch her hand and, when she doesn’t move it, take it in mine. “But if Lynn is right, you’ll be able to find out tomorrow.”

We’re silent after that, lost in our own thoughts. I strive to ignore my thoughts that try to tear me down. Chloe needs me as much as I need her. Maybe I’m her anchor like she is mine?

“There’s a hole in my heart,” she whispers. “I’ve tried filling it with you… Rachel… Kate… even Lynn.” She rolls on her side and looks at me again. “But no matter what I do, it stays empty.”

When I start to speak, she shakes her head and says, “No more talk, please. Let’s just… hold each other.”

We slip into each others arms, me tucked under her chin. The gentle movements of her breathing gives me focus. Her scent brings their own memories of laughter and jokes and pushing the boundaries of life that adults placed around us.

_I will find a way to heal your heart, Chloe! You deserve to be whole._

Here we are in my old house, in a town I destroyed. Holding me is my best friend, the person who knows me better than anyone else. She didn’t give up on me even though I abandoned her twice. I don’t deserve her. 

_She deserves the best._

_She will have the best._

With that determination in my mind, I let the good feelings she sparks wash over me. “I love you,” I whisper.

“I love you, too.”

Those words carry me into blissful sleep.

* * *

Little glimmers of light surround me. I’m standing in a field of stars that glitter and shimmer as I turn in a circle. Above me, more stars shine in constellations both familiar and foreign. It’s a surreal moment as I spin in their midst, to be among the stars and the purple and black of space.

Light flares in the sky above then, illuminating the sky below. And my blood freezes within me.

It’s not stars that shine upon me, but thousands upon thousands of eyes! They reflect the light of the sky above in their silent regard of me. Eyes that are wide, unblinking, dead.

“Do you like your legacy?” Her voice comes from behind me, as it always does.

“No,” I say, only my voice doesn’t come. It refuses to come no matter how hard I try! The eyes seeme to draw closer, crawling, creeping, seeking me out.

“You brought them here. And thousands more. Don’t try to run,” she laughs, “they only want to greet the one who brought them here.

But I am running, twisting and turning to get away. They follow me, drawing ever closer! She laughs and mocks me more.

“Don’t run, Max,” she chortles. “Or should I call you Max Effect?”

“That isn’t me,” I shout, my voice suddenly working. And I have to run! They draw ever closer, closing in from all sides. Before I know it, I’m on the ground! They swarm me, crawling over me! Hands grasp my clothes, my skin, my hair! Their touch makes my skin crawl and I try to shake them off, but there are too many of them! I try to stand, but their weight is too great!

She laughs again, and I see her standing near me. A faint purple light illuminates her from behind. “Help me,” I beg, my voice broken with fear.

She kneels before me and I scream as they reach my neck and approach my face. “Please!”

With another laugh, she reaches out her hand. “This isn’t the first time you begged for my help,” she says. Her hand takes mine and pulls.

The dead disappear and I find myself standing next to her. My heart pounds and I want to get away, I have to get away! But she follows me.

“Pathetic,” she says as she stalks me through a field covered in headstones. “It’s no wonder you came to us, begging for help.”

I’m backed against a tree and she approaches into my space. For a moment she shimmers and she is not me but someone or something else. Then I’m staring at myself again. “Wanton killer, unable to control yourself let alone your power.”

The heat from her presence presses against me and I turn my head aside. “Here’s a little secret, Max.” The breath from her words tickle my ear. “You are Max Effect. You are the Max that wanted to forget.

“You came to us and begged for help. It was your idea to cast you across all realities. ‘Let me learn from others how to control my power,’ you begged. And we listened.”

Fingers trail along my jaw to my chin. I shiver from her touch. “That was our mistake,” she purrs. “But you had your chance and you rejected it. Now we’ll have to do things our way. Before you threaten everything.”

* * *

A warm, soft body is pressed against my front. It wiggles a little and the scent of sunshine and honey fills my nose. Hands clasp mine and fingers lightly trace up and down my arm.

Another warm body is pressed against my back. I’m in a warm embrace and it feels delightful. “Mmm,” I say as a hand strokes my upper arm. “What a wonderful way to wake up.”

Kate turns a little to look at me. “You aren’t awkward with this anymore?”

Feeling a little bold, I give her nose a quick peck. “No, I’m not. And that’s not because this prevents those nightmares. Or not only…”

“We get what you mean,” Chloe says from behind me. She places a small kiss behind my ear causing me to reach back and lace my fingers through her hair.

“Best way to wake up,” Kate says as she turns fully over and kisses my chin. She snuggles against me and tucks her head under my chin. I hold her with my left arm while my right strokes Chloe’s hair. We lay that way a while, letting ourselves slip into full wakefulness in our warm embrace.

“Oh, fuck,” comes from the other bed as Lynn pops her head up. “That’s disgusting.”

“Do you want to try it,” Chloe calls jokingly.

Lynn makes a gagging noise and disappears into the restroom. Chloe laughs softly and tightens her hold on me.

It’s been three days since the soldiers cornered us on the Pacific Coast Highway. Three days since they showed up, and mysteriously left with Ethel. She went voluntarily and left her stuff with us. Since then we haven’t heard from her.

We returned the rental car to the agency, then started a meandering road trip north. Lynn kept insisting we go to Arcadia Bay, and by some unspoken agreement we knew that was our destination. But none of us were eager to get there.

The first night, I cornered Lynn and tried to get her to open up. “Hey,” I said, “what’s up with you and I? You tell me things so I don’t repeat Her mistakes, but at the same time you don’t want me around. I’d like to be your friend, if possible, but I never know where I stand with you.”

She gave me a stony-faced stare and said nothing.

Chloe took over driving duties and we other three took turns being the co-pilot. Each time Lynn was co-pilot, Kate and I sat in the backseat and talked. Those were wondrous hours, opening up to each other, sharing jokes and moments and enjoying the beautiful nature outside the windows. More than once we’d end up in each others arms, just holding each other without words. When that happened I’d often catch glimpses of Chloe in the mirror and she’d give me little smiles.

Without Ethel and her seemingly endless supply of funds, we were reduced to using money Kate and Chloe had in their accounts. That meant more fast food, and cramming all of us into a single motel room at night. The second day we found a laundromat and washed our clothes, since none of us had more than a couple changes of clothes each.

And now, here we were, on the outskirts of Portland in a cheap motel. Soon, we’ll rise and leave for Arcadia Bay. None of us know what we’ll find there, only that we need to be there.

Kate is the first to leave our nest after Lynn exits the bathroom. I suppose seeing her sister in bed with her lovers is the most awkward part of this for Lynn. She barely looks at us when she grabs her shoes and sits on a chair.

I turn over to face Chloe and wrap my arms around her. “Good morning, Ms. Price. What would you like for breakfast today?”

“A generous portion of Caulfield Delight is top of my list,” she says as she leans in and kisses me. It doesn’t matter that we’re funky after a night of sleep. I want to enjoy this moment with Chloe. We break the kiss and she rubs the tip of her nose up and down mine.

“What do you think we’ll find when we arrive,” I whisper.

She shrugs. “Answers? An end to this? More mystery? Who knows.” She ends her response with another kiss and Lynn makes another gagging sound.

“I’m headed outside,” she says and we presently hear the door close.

I trace little circles on Chloe’s back while we kiss, and her hand wanders to my hip. We lay like that, content in each others arms with the faint sound of the shower through the wall. The shower ends too soon and I reluctantly let go of Chloe.

“I guess I’ll get ready next,” I say as I push away from her. I roll off the bed and find myself facing a wall when I stand. “Whoa! Where did this come from?” I turn as I ask that question and find myself in a dimly lit room. Chloe lays in bed, blanket and sheets wrapped around her. The layout of the room is all wrong.

_No, the layout is right. I’m… shit! I just bounced among timelines._ A dull ache forms in my head and I stumble backwards. Pain shoots into my butt when I fall against the wall. My hands are too busy holding my head to right myself.

Arms slip around me and pull me close to a warm body. “I got you,” Chloe whispers. She holds me, and gently helps me to a seat on the bed. “Did you stand up too quickly or something?”

“No,” I say, shaking my head. Then groan as that causes the pain in my head to flare. “Ugh, give me a moment.” I close my eyes and rest my head against her. Gradually the pain ebbs, then disappears. I let my hands drop to my lap.

“I just… jumped? Between realities. When I woke up, I was in bed with you and Kate. We were in a motel room in Portland. When I rolled out of bed, I found myself back here.”

“Well that’s fucking strange. I’m glad you’re back with me. Do you think you’ll be ok?”

“I don’t know… You know as much as I about how this works.”

Her fingers stroke my hair, in an attempt to soothe me. And it works. I snuggle closer to her, and put my arms around her. There’s a lingering scent of sunshine and honey in the air: Kate. A sob partially makes itself known and I hiccup on it.

_Kate’s gone… somewhere. Probably with Him. And now I’m supposed to bring back Rachel? And I’m bouncing between realities? I don’t know if I can hold myself together that long._

I grip Chloe’s sleep shirt tightly, reflexively, as thoughts whirl in my head. The sense of discombobulation intensifies. Two days ago I was formed from nothing, a thousand billion bits of me gathered from across the cosmos, made solid and glued together by their affection for me. And right now I can feel that glue melting away. The cracks are deep and I don’t understand how to make myself whole permanently.

“We better go,” I say when I feel as sound as possible.

“You sure?”

_No._ “Yeah, let’s get Lynn and figure this mess out so we can find Kate.”

“Ok.” We stand and set about changing into regular clothes. There’s another instant while pulling the shirt over my head that I’m here and everywhere at once. A thousand thousand conversations and moments and feelings explode in me and pass through me and I can’t even latch onto one. Then the shirt settles around my hips and I shake. After drawing a deep breath I seem solid enough and able to move on.

“Let’s go,” Chloe says as she exits the bathroom. We throw our stuff in our packs, slip them on our shoulders, and make our way downstairs.

Lynn is already up and busy. On a low table near the couch is arrayed a variety of food. “I couldn’t sleep well and woke early,” she says without meeting our eyes. “So I went scouting. Figured we’d want something to eat.”

“Thanks,” Chloe says as she grabs some food and begins munching.

“How will bringing back Rachel help us find Kate,” I ask as I search the food for something I like. There’s fruit and cheese, carrots and bell peppers. _Where in the world did she find this stuff?_

Lynn busies herself by rearranging the food. “Near as I can tell,” she says, “Rachel is key to everything that happened.”

“What do you mean?” Chloe asks around a mouthful of food.

“You’ll need to ask her. I only have guesses.” She gives me a quick, hard look then. “He has Kate.”

“Who?” Chloe’s mouth is clear now and she looks between the two of us. “Is this this same guy you two have mentioned since Max returned? Who the fuck is he?”

My stomach clenches when Lynn confirms my suspicions and I grab a nearby wall to keep from falling. “He… he was in two of the other other realities,” I whisper. “He called himself Doctor Smith… but…” Chloe grabs my arm to hep me stay standing.

“Doctor Smith? The dude you told me about last night? What kind of fucking generic name is that?”

“In the reality where Max lost her memory, he lead the project. But…” I shake my head and reality scrambles.

When it reassembles, I find, to my relief, that I’m in the same room with Chloe and Lynn. “Fuck that was weird,” Chloe says. “You fuzzed out for a moment.”

“Fuzzed?”

“She’s phasing. It means he’s nearby. That’s one reason we need to get Rachel. Now, are we done here or do we need to stick around and let the patrols find us?” Lynn stands and faces us while she speaks.

“Patrols?” I push myself away from the wall.

“You know - people with guns that walk around and make certain unwelcome people aren’t present.”

“I know what a patrol is.” I don’t bother hiding the displeasure in my voice. “Why patrol this place?”

“Same reason they patrol it in some of those other realities you visited. Now, let’s get out of here. We have less than five minutes before they check this house.”

Under her urging, we leave the house through the back door, as quiet as we can. “Junkyard,” she whispers as we hurry through back yards, jumping fences and scurrying around plants gone wild.

“Why… the junkyard,” Chloe whispers as we wait behind a fence for some distant people to move out of sight. Her brows are lowered and she speaks tensely. Her movements, as she watches the people walk toward a corner, are stiff and jerky.

Lynn shoots Chloe a glance, then says, “I’m sorry, Chloe. That’s where she still is.”

For a moment I think Chloe is going to do something rash, with the way she stiffens. I place my hand on her upper arm and she shakes her head. Her arm is hard under my hand. Once the people move on, so do we.

We make our way through the town, keeping out of sight and as quiet as possible. We dodge several patrols, uniformed men and women that look well armed. Near the edge of town, we hide behind a hedge while two walk by. This close to them it’s apparent something is odd. They move a little more fluidly than we do, and their dark skin doesn’t match anyone I’ve ever seen. It’s not black or brown, more like in a dark purple hue. It stirs a memory that won’t fully form.

They walk around a corner and we remain hidden for a count of twenty before we move across the street. I’m surprised at how tired I am. Stealth is more exhausting than I expected. But now we’re out of town and hopefully away from the patrols.

Once we’re among the trees, and away from the streets, we can stand up. The first thing I do is stretch and my muscles seem to rejoice as I bend this way and that. “You should try that in bed sometime,” Chloe quips. Yet her voice doesn’t have it’s usual playful tone to it.

I step to Chloe’s side and touch her hand. “Do you want to talk?”

She gives me a funny look. “About what?”

“About Rachel and the junkyard.”

At my words, she shrugs my hand off and stomps away. I watch her a moment before following her. We both pass Lynn, who crouches on the ground doing who knows what.

Chloe stops after a minute or two and stares into the trees. Her hands are clenched at her side, head bowed, and arms slightly bent. I stay out of her space. “I never went back for her. You have no idea how much that hurts.” Her voice is a soft hiss filled with bitterness.

“For-” She whirls, surprising the words out of me. Her face is twisted and hard and glares at me. I take a couple steps back.

“First, it was the storm. Then you.” Her words are spit more than voiced as she advances on me. “Then Kate and Lynn. Always one thing after another!” Her words get louder and I raise my hands and gesture to speak softer.

I hit a hard, round thing with my back: a tree. And now Chloe’s in my face with her words and anger and heat. “And I left her here! Forgot about her. I…” Her shoulders suddenly slump and she nearly collapses. I catch her shoulders and hold her up. “I forgot about her, Max! I forgot about her!”

“You didn’t-“

“Yes, I did!” Her voice has returned to a soft hiss, thankfully.

“But now, you’re back for her. We’re back for her.”

She wipes a hand across her face, which comes away damp with tears. “Chloe,” I whisper and try to look into her eyes. “It’ll be ok.”

“No it won’t. I’ll know. And I’ll remember every time.”

“But you didn’t forget her,” I whisper. “You told me that I tried saving her. You didn’t forget her.”

Her tear-filled eyes look at me with a hardness I can’t penetrate. And it reminds me of my own grief and fears and doubts I harbor. “It will be ok,” I whisper. “I’m here to support you in this.”

She stands up and brushes my hands off. “Thanks,” she says stiffly and moves away. I watch her retreat into the trees, body stiff and head bowed. Pushing us out so we don’t see her pain.

The rest of the hike to the junkyard is in silence. I give Chloe space. Lynn doesn’t, though. She walks by her side and whispers to her. Chloe ignores both of us.

It’s midmorning when we reach the junkyard. In the years since the storm, it’s become rather overgrown. A thicket blocks most of the entrance and plants have claimed much of the bottom of the piles.

American Rust has never looked so good.

Animal paths meander among the stacks of junk, which makes for easy walking. Chloe takes the lead, but I still remember the way from five years prior. I can’t shake the words, the intense emotion from that nightmare in the other reality.

“You did’t even try to save me, let alone Rachel.”

Only, here I am doing just that. And apparently, I tried to save her in this life before being overwhelmed with grief and doubt. A weird tingling creeps up my arms as we draw close to where she’s buried. It’s hard to believe she’s still here, untouched.

We arrive and Chloe looks at the spot in disbelief. A kind of flowering shrub grows over the spot. “It’s beautiful,” I say and move closer to it. The flowers are small and have thick purple petals. When I touch them, they are soft, and the disturbance places a scent in the air. A scent that reminds me of Victoria.

I stand and glance at Lynn, who studies me. “What are these,” I ask.

She shakes her head and says, “Hell if I know.”

On impulse, I pick one of the flowers and take it to Chloe. She balks at first, but then relents as I hand it to her. “A flower for my flower,” I say with a silly smile.

She makes a blowing sound but can’t quite hide the small smile my words produce. With a quickness, I place a small kiss on her cheek and whisper, “We’re here to get her back. She’s not forgotten, only waiting.”

A cloud passes over her eyes, but I turn to look at Lynn instead of engaging her. “What do I do?”

“Bring her back.”

“Sure, but how?”

“I thought you knew! You’re supposed to know how! You said we’d get everyone back.”

“Oh. Yeah.” _Did I really say that?_ I stare at the plant. My fingers rub the side of my pants while I think.

“And hurry,” Lynn hisses, “we don’t have much time.”

Cabin. Memories stir in my mind, a scene with trees and crying.

An iron tang in the air.

Warm, wet stickiness on my hands.

An angry face in mine.

A pang in my heart.

A voice fill with pain cries from a great distance, “Don’t… don’t take her away from me and Kate! Please! She’s all we have left!”

Another voice whispers a response. “The first time… it was a family at Crater Lake. A driver lost control of his car and killed a young child. We got there some time later and you… returned the girl to life.”

Remember.

I delve into my power and send it forth. Only nothing happens because this isn’t like Jess and Chloe, or the girl at Crater Lake. Rachel’s been dead for years; her body became a part of the world around us.

“He’s coming,” Lynn hisses. “Chloe, come here. We have to protect her! She needs time.”

Her words distract me and I lose contact with my power. “Don’t stop,” Lynn says with a glance. “Keep going! We’ll give you the time you need.” She hands an object to Chloe and whispers to her.

The world around me is filled with noise and tumult as someone or some thing comes through the junkyard. The harmony I normally sense is disrupted by discordant notes that grate and tear. With force of will, I push that from my mind and sink into myself. _I have to do this!_

Lynn, Chloe, and the disturbance around me I have to push away. The pounding of my heart, driven by fear for them and the unknown, I channel into a focus that draws me into the world. I follow it to a state that brings everything alive in a way only I can see. Around me, the world unfolds like a flower greeting the sun. An intricate, incomprehensible mosaic of interconnections and processes spreads in all directions, and I stand at its center.

Through the tapestry of reality I see Rachel, impossible as it seems, or the hints of her at least. A glowing thread here, a shimmering strand there. Pieces of her are scattered about like bits of colored thread woven into a sweeping scene. Oddly, there is a concentrated mass of the glowing threads far from here, yet connected back to the shallow grave. Gently, I begin gathering the filaments that shape her reality to pull them together into a harmonious tapestry.

A woman who knew what she wanted and pursued it, but also shared her life with those close to her. She housed a great spirit, larger than her physical form. From here and there I pull the pieces together and the filaments follow the shape of her life to a new possibility.

The world snaps into focus in a flash of pain and bursts of light! Trees and bushes and heaps of junk tumble around me until I crash into something large and hard. The sudden stop forces a groan from me and I lay there panting, my heart hammering. A throbbing ache in my body makes it hard to breathe or move. I roll onto my side with a groan to look for Lynn and Chloe, but my vision hazes as the movement bring tears to my eyes. When I manage to wipe them clear, with slow, painful movements, I see Chloe and Lynn several feet in front of me trying to rise to their feet.

An unwelcome figure stands over them, lean and hard. The person who started all of this. He’s haunted me and pursued me through reality after reality. It’s hard to believe he stands here now, Lynn and Chloe sprawled on the ground like forgotten toys.

With his trademark smile, he steps over them, his hand extended toward me in an invitation.

All the air has left the world and I am without any, gasping and clawing to survive as he nears! How much I want this to not be real, to be another fabrication of leaping through realities, another nightmare sent to torment me!

Several feet away, yet entirely too close, he stops and gives me his charming smile. Once I thought it made him rugged, alluring, a mystery to be known. Now, I know him for the harm and evil that he is.

I struggle to sit up. My bruises tell me even if I succeed it won’t be comfortable. To stand is out of the question. The world still rolls and swirls around me, making it appear he’s on a strange disc that orbits me. Cool soil crumbles onto my hands and the connection to the earth gives me a reaffirmation that I am here, now.

Because nothing else does.

Because I am pulled and frayed and spread and missing and inadequate. But he is real and solid and whole with none of my weaknesses and faults.

He kneels in front of me, his grin still plastered on his face and I try to focus on him. It’s so hard! He spins and whirls in my vision and he reaches for me, perhaps to help steady me. But I pull away and I am between moments and all moments and fuck does it hurt!

At last everything snaps into focus: he with his too bright smile and dark hair swept to the side. The world with its pulse and being and life. And in the distance comes the howl, like I half-expected the entire time we returned to Arcadia Bay. Since hearing it in Portland, I knew it would find us here too.

His smile becomes impossibly cheerful at hearing the howl. “Do you know what that is,” he asks in his smooth manner. I dare not shake my head for fear it will roll off my shoulders.

“That,” he whispers, “is the sound of the world learning terror unlike it’s ever experienced.” He tilts his head to listen. Another howl sounds, closer.

He is the bane of my existence and he has haunted my life no matter where I am. I look into the drab brown eyes of the man I used to call Doctor Smith and I know him for who he truly is.

“You wouldn’t believe the beauty I have wrought,” he gloats. “The art created by their introduction.” He turns his full, terrible attention on me and his face softens. “And I owe it all to you.”

“Max,” he purrs, “so much like me. Relentless in your pursuit of what you want. It doesn’t have to end like this. You could join me. The invitation was always there.”

I look at him and his outstretched hand and give no consideration to his words. To listen to him is to surrender myself and that I will never do. But now, as I sit at the foot of a tree, wracked with pain, what can I do?

Behind him, Lynn and Chloe are beginning to move. But what can they do?

Everything is here and there and nowhere and eludes my attempt to grasp it.

“You won’t join me, will you.” His voice is confident as he stands and looks down at me. “Five years ago I had no idea what I was doing when we met. That’s no longer true.” He raises his hands and looks at them. “The hands of an artist,” he whispers.

Another of his sick smiles creases his face as he shifts his focus to me. “Remember what I told you so many years ago, you and your worthless friends,” he whispers as his hands curl into claws. “Always take the shot.” He raises his hands toward his face.

I look at my old photography teacher and memories rip through me, raw and so real that I am pulled into all the moments. They rush through me, shredding what I thought I knew, thought I was. They redefine me.

A young woman grieving over the loss of life.

A deep love for the blue-haired woman next to her.

A determination to help her, to care for her. To support her.

For this one instance, I know who I am. And who I am not.

Then a loud whomp sounds and Mark Jefferson is blown off his feet and out of my view in a brilliant flash of light. When my sight clears, a woman stands before me wreathed in shimmering colors. Her hair is the color of autumn leaves as it blows in the non-existent wind. The smile she gives is warm and disarming.

She steps in my direction and kneels in front of me. “Max Caulfield,” she whispers. Her fingers touch mine and the shimmer disappears, as does my pain. “At last we meet.”

With a gulp, I look into her kind face and say, “Nice to meet you, Rachel.”


	26. Power!

A chorus of howls shatters the air as Rachel helps me to my feet. Distant cries of fear come from Lynn and Chloe, who are a ways away, as they too stand and begin running toward us. “No time to talk,” Rachel says, hurriedly. “I can keep Jefferson busy, but that’s about it. You’ll have to protect the others.”

Fear pokes at my mind, throwing my thoughts everywhere. I look at her, then around us. Shouts and growls and howls echo through the junkyard, reverberating off the piles of metal and wood. It’s hard to tell how many there are, or which direction they come from. It’s possible there are orders mixed with the other sounds, but I can’t focus enough to tell.

_Run! I have to run!_

A powerful need slams into my mind and I take a quick step away. A hand closes on my wrist, bringing me to a quick stop. It slightly dazes me, and I look back with an open mouth. Rachel holds my wrist firmly. “I didn’t know they’d have those fucking hounds with them! I think I can block them for us.”

Her eyes widen and look away from me as she says those words. Within the moment, the need to run disappears. Even my mind seems clear. Yet, my hesitation and uncertainty remains.

She lets me go and takes a step. I snag her shirt as shimmering colors reappear around her. She looks at me again. “W-what do I do,” I stammer.

Her eyebrows shoot toward her hairline at my words. “What?” she exclaims with big eyes. “You can’t be serious!” Then her eyes focus past me, through me. “Shit,” she whispers. “I… I’m sorry, Max. I thought…”

Rachel shakes her head and looks at the ground. “You were supposed to have all your powers by now. I… I thought you would be ready for this. That we would be ready.” She looks at me again with the corners of her mouth tugged down.

“So much uncertainty,” she whispers. “I won’t force this change on you… I can unlock all your powers, but there’s a steep cost.”

“What is it,” I whisper. The words squeeze my chest, preventing me from breathing.

“It will give power to your fears and guilt and open you to their influence.”

_What does that mean?_

“And if I don’t?”

Her face hardens, and she looks at the others, then back to me. “All our friends, and us, will probably die. Those people and creatures will take over the world. I’m… I’m not at full power yet. Death kind of drained me.”

The words suck the rest of the air from the area and send my mind reeling. 

_If the powers I have now brought such calamity, what am I capable of when they are all unlocked?_

_What are these other powers?_

_Why am I supposed to be at full power already?_

As these thoughts and more race through my mind, Lynn and Chloe reach us. Beyond them, I see soldiers and Hounds pouring from between piles of broken cars. Their numbers seem endless. When they see us, they shout and come even quicker.

Chloe stands near me. “What’s the plan,” she asks.

_I can’t lose them again._

_I’d rather lose myself than them._

The Universe shifts and rolls around me in a kaleidoscope of fractured realities. Lives I’ve known and forgotten about dance through the air in spinning fractals. It shifts again and everything returns to what it’s supposed to be. Except the soldiers and Hounds are even closer.

I look at the three women who are looking at me. With a gulp, I focus on Chloe.

_Even when I lost my memories, I knew you were special to me. No matter what happens, I hope that is always true._

“Do it,” I say as I struggle to keep my hold on reality.

“I’m sorry,” Rachel whispers. “You… deserve better. This entire thing has screwed you over.” With those words, she touches me and a pulse spreads through my body a moment later. The skin where she touched keeps a prickly electric-like sensation when she lifts her hand.

“Forgive me,” she whispers, then she turns and runs in the direction Jefferson flew in.

Her words confuse me and lock me in place. The words repeat in an endless cycle in my mind. The pulse turns into a tingle that spreads through my entire body. It roots me in place. Behind the tingle comes a numbness. Chloe steps in front of me. “We have to go, now,” Lynn exclaims. Both have huge eyes that dart around.

“What?” My thoughts are slow and disconnected. A loud rushing noise, as if of wind, blocks out everything else. Behind Chloe, large purplish shapes dart from the forest into the junkyard.

Hands grab my arms and pull me off balance. I stagger after them, barely aware that they are half-dragging me as we flee the VoidHounds. We crash through the underbrush, my head swiveling from the path ahead to the pursuit behind. Two of the Hounds bound after us, so fast they’ll catch us in a second or two. I close my eyes. I don’t want to see the lunge when it comes. From the distance come shouts and yells and what might be explosions.

For the briefest instant I am everywhere and nowhere. A being of bits and pieces scattered to the far corners of the universe. Through this fractured mess a voice speaks.

“You continue to disappoint us.” There is nothing warm or friendly in that voice.

Yet, for the briefest of moments when she speaks, a confidence and determination floods me. It’s reminiscent of a time before all this began, when life was simpler and I knew what I wanted.

The smell of fresh-brewed lavender tea fills my nose. A soft laugh echoes in my ears. Mingled with the lavender comes the scents of honey and sunshine. _Kate._

I see her seated at an angle on the couch. Her hands hold a cup of steaming tea between them, fingertips lightly cradle it. She blows softly across the top, sending the steam whirling and dancing along the currents.

A hand settles on my shoulder. Blue eyes suddenly appear from above. Blue hair dangles below them and begs to be teased. A smile that could dim a thousand suns spreads across Chloe’s face. I reach for her, for the memory or reality or whatever I see.

Another voice steals the moment from me. A voice that fills me with dread, different and alike from the first voice. “Like I said, there is no stopping me. I am inevitable.”

The instant passes into oblivion and everything stops and the junkyard scene comes into focus. One of the VoidHounds is so close, its open mouth is all I can see! Its teeth glisten in its dark maw, frozen lunging for me.

“Let me help you with that.”

A splitting pain explodes in my head, and I scream! Whatever goodness lingered from that moment of determination and memory disappears, replaced by another will with its own resolve. It invades my mind, unfurling like something kept bound too long!

Desperately, I grab for any memory, anything that is mine that I can hold! The presence forces its way to the front of my mind. It’s panting, or I’m panting as we stare at each other across a mental void.

She’s relentless in her disdain for me. A sneer twists her face. She slowly walks toward me. I stand my ground, though fear quickens my heart fueled by her pain.

“You are the past,” she says. “Weak. Ineffective. Restrained. You let yourself loose, then ran back to your confines as soon as you could.”

Before I can respond, she dives into me. She forces another scream from me as she worms her way into the deepest parts of me! All that is me she devours or casts aside.

Dirt and twigs and grass lay before me. I’m on my hands and knees, though I don’t recall moving. From the corner of my eye, I see the VoidHound, still frozen. But it’s not any concern of mine as I grab my head and scream again.

“Get out!”

“Oh, I don’t think so.”

I shake my head as if that could dislodge her. She claws through what’s left of me, casting it aside quicker than I can grab it.

Slowly, my hands lower from my head, but I’m not controlling them! A faint glow wreathes them in blues and purples and golds. And then I’m laughing, a great rolling laugh of triumph.

But inside, I’m screaming.

“You’re distracting me. Be a good little girl and be quiet.”

There’s another jolt and I’m weightless, detached. As if from another’s eyes, above and behind, I see myself kneeling on the ground. My body, shimmering and glowing, leans back in its laughter.

_No!_ But no one hears me. Or if they do, if She does, there’s no acknowledgement.

From the separate place, I watch my body rise and face the VoidHound. It’s still in the same position. Whatever gave the Hound in Portland the ability to enter the stillness doesn’t seem in effect here. When my hand- No! When She gently touches the Hound, there’s another jolt and I’m seeing it from both perspectives: from my own eyes and mind, and from where I am above and behind myself.

“Such a thing of beauty,” the me that is not me says. “And destruction.” My fingers slip through its fur, soft as silk, yet strong like iron. “Just like us.”

She walks along the Hound, fingers trailing through the fur. Blackness radiates out from where my fingers touch. She reaches the end and turns toward the other Hound.

Fingers caress the large head and powerful shoulders of the second VoidHound. Thin black lines spider out from the touch.

From high above I shout and scream in my defiance. I know what those cracks mean, and it sickens me. The way She takes life so capriciously hurts me, and I hate it. But no one responds, and She keeps walking with my body, back toward Lynn and Chloe. For a moment she looks at me, a fleeting look of triumph on her face.

“Let’s give them a show they’ll never forget. And maybe later I’ll show them what you won’t.”

Then life resumes with a roar, and the VoidHounds come crashing to the earth in great plumes of dust! Lynn and Chloe stumble and fall because they no longer are pulling me. The dust coats them in purples and blues. They both come up from the ground coughing and waving their hands.

“What the f-“ Chloe coughs but she’s cut off by She who wears my form.

“Stay here! Whatever you do, don’t move,” She commands. Chloe’s eyes bulge, but her voice disappears into a coughing fit from the billowing VoidHound dust. Next to her, Lynn leans over, hands on her knees, and coughs hard. Vivid colors streak them.

Other VoidHounds come, their great forms lithe and beautiful in their danger. Beyond them, the soldiers change directions and disappear. The Hounds lope towards the trio, heads raised as they howl their approach. They bare their teeth as they come in for the attack from all sides.

They don’t stand a chance.

From where I am and where She is, I see them dissolve into dust. And though I am not there, not doing it, to see their life quenched cuts me deep. Again, I struggle and fight and cry out. But whatever has me without and within keeps me from reclaiming my body. I can only watch and mourn as She commits her deeds with my body.

Joyous laughter fills the air. It bursts forth from the depths of her. “It’s so good to be free!”

_No! _I strain and push and beg and scream, but no matter what I do, I can’t escape. I’m helpless, a prisoner in my mind as She takes command.

“They deserve worse.”

_They deserve life!_

Suddenly, we’re in the sky high above the junkyard. That we’re flying, streaking through the air, is lost on me. From here, I can see many more VoidHounds and other beings converging on the junkyard. Their fates are written the moment She sees them.

_No! Please don’t!_

“Oh, yes. This will be fun!” Her eyes find me in the plane of my existence and pierce my defenses. “No matter how much you deny it,” She whispers, “this is who you truly are. In time, you’ll come to love it, to welcome it.”

_I will never do that!_

Then we’re speeding towards the nearest group of loping Hounds, their purple coats beautiful as they run. We speed past abandoned trailers and tractors. A bright glittering trail of light stretches along our path. Right through the Hound’s midst we dive and they leap to the attack! Like the others, they don’t stand a chance. Each of them she dissolves. Some she waits until they are but scant inches from us. Their momentum carries the dust of their existence beyond us to coat the ground and junk.

Once through the group of hounds, we’re in the air again, spinning and laughing! And I’m crying and begging for Her to spare life, to find another way. Movement between two towering heaps of metal catches Her eye and she turns to the attack.

_No! Don’t, please! Find another way! There has to be another way!_

My protests do nothing as she reduces these Hounds, these creatures of life and beauty, to nothing.

“You’re so weak! Pitiful.” Her voice holds nothing but disdain. “I can’t believe you got this gift. You just want to throw it away! Useless.”

_Please don’t!_

“Would you rather let Chloe and your friends die?”

_No!_

“If I don’t do this, they gladly will take your friend’s lives, so shut up!”

A group of people steps from the trees, flanked by VoidHounds. The newcomers are dressed like the patrols we saw throughout town. As one, they raise their guns toward us.

“Oh goodie! I love when they do this!”

_NO!_

But they can’t hear me. And if She does, She ignores me.

The crackle of energy splits the air, joined by a laugh of untold coldness. These aren’t the explosions of gunfire, though. Brilliant beams of light flare around us, but none of them touch us. Then we’re diving towards the group. The wind rips at our clothes, and hair, but our eyesight remains clear.

Nothing I do can stop this as we speed toward these people. I beg and plead but She ignores me. Horror twists me inside, churning my stomach into a frenzied mess. Through it, a determination surfaces.

“You’re going to ruin it!”

The people scatter as we reach them. One by one we fly close to them and they turn into dust. Growls and gasps and more are uttered by each person, each Hound as their end comes upon them. Sounds of frustration and disbelief that transcend species fill the air. Each turns to attack when we get near to no avail. They are blown aside to become dust on the wind.

She laughs and spins and plays like a child with their favorite toys. Each death heightens her energy and joy, even as it beats at me and feeds something welling inside. She dashes through the crowds, reducing them to billowing clouds of multi-colored dust. The wake of her flight blasts the dust into all parts of the junkyard.

And She laughs.

And I mourn.

And She spins in the air high above the scene, shouting in triumph and freedom and joy.

And my heart withers inside me.

We circle around the junkyard, but there are no more Hounds or soldiers. The stacks glitter purple and blue in the sunlight, the only sign that life was taken. Through the trees I see a dark figure running away. Rachel stands near the trees, her own glow a brilliant array of autumn fire. With one last pass, we return to where we started.

Our feet touch the earth near Lynn and Chloe, who immediately steps in front of the younger woman. “What the fuck has gotten into you,” Chloe demands.

“They’re dead,” I chortle. “And you’re safe. That’s all that matters.”

“No, it isn’t! What happened-“

Suddenly, I’m on the ground heaving out everything I have! Over and over my body expands and collapses. My entire existence is devoted to ridding myself of the things that sustain life. And I’m crying, mourning Her actions, Her callous disregard for life. Each moment replays itself, the last look on each soldier’s and VoidHound’s face before they turned to dust.

There’s a burning that demands attention, which I can’t fulfill. Hands help me sit up, but I’m so weak I fall over again. They help me up again, and all I can see is death replayed over and over. Death brought at Her hands, at my hands.

In that moment of sickness and grief, I admit a truth so fundamental and repulsive, that I tried to remake myself to deny it.

For she is me.

And I am Her.

We are the same.

And my life becomes an act of expulsion, of ridding myself of what is wrong. But the real wrongness remains.

“Finally,” She whispers in my mind. “Accept it. Accept yourself for who you truly are. Stop fighting it.”

Yet, even as I acknowledge that truth, a part of me rebels. And I heave again.

Gradually, my sight clears and I’m aware that I’m crying and gross and achy. Great sobs wrack my body. Sickness cakes my hair and clothes. Through the blur of tears, I see a hand on my shoulder. My eyes follow it up to Rachel’s face.

“Get away from me,” I scream at her. “Don’t touch me!” When she’s too slow to move, I scramble backwards, away from her, away from what she unleashed.

Rachel’s hand slowly falls to her side. “I’m sorry, Max,” she says but I turn away from her.

“What did you do to her,” Chloe asks, presumably of Rachel. But no one answers.

All around is my shame, my legacy. My hands sink into the dust that once was people and animals. Tears turn the dust into a strange clay, but no matter how I form it, life doesn’t flow into it. “They’re gone,” I cry. “They’re all gone!”

“We need to get going,” Lynn says. “Others will be along eventually and we need to be far away from here when they do.”

They speak words that I don’t hear or maybe I don’t comprehend. Or maybe I just don’t want to. I knead and mold the dust into forms that echo the screams and cries that I hear. No matter what I do, I can’t shake the sights and sounds from my mind. I’m consumed with the final moment of each animal and person before I took their life. Before She took their life.

I’m in the air and trees and grasses move past me, slower than before. Ghostly images rush us in groups and singles, but they are only the remnants of what used to be.

To my left, I see Chloe. Her arm is slung under mine, and she grins at me. Blood streams down her face to pool along her lip and stain her teeth. “Not you too,” I whisper. There is a burning in my wrist that wants attention. But I can’t reach it.

When I look to my right, I see Lynn towering over me. Her eyes leave a brilliant trail through the air. She has her hand under my shoulder, helping Chloe carry me through my wasteland.

“She wasn’t ready when we needed her.” Sadness weighs down the speakers voice.

_Is that Rachel? Who is she talking about?_

“How can we help her?”

“Fuck if I know.”

The junkyard spreads into a beautiful expanse, filled with pinks and purples and cyans. The blues match Chloe’s hair. Is that her over there? Why is she wearing an eye patch?

“Fuck you! You’re the seer! See the future and tell me how to help her!”

_Why is Chloe mad? Who’s she shouting at?_

“It doesn’t work like that!”

_Lynn? Where are you? Where am I?_

“Then how does it work!”

There’s someone crying in the distance, a familiar cry. But the expanse is all I can see. It shifts and billows and moves in ways that are impossible and trick the eye. The crying is near, and I recognize it.

“Ladies! This is my fault, let me try to help.”

“Keep your hands off her, Rachel! We wouldn’t be in this mess-”

“Chloe! I know you hurt. It hurts me too! To know I caused that… Just let me try, please!”

A bright purple cloud moves aside and I see a young Victoria kneeling on the floor. She faces a corner and cries. Near her is a small stuffed animal, its little limbs ripped from its body. A promise that wrenches my heart.

And then everything is colors and blowing air and loud noises. A million billion Chloes and Kates and Lynns and Victorias and others spin and whirl and sweep me into a maelstrom of unreality. There’s a great burning need for air and it rushes though me and I jerk upwards.

Around me stand two women: blue-haired and blonde. They study me with their intense eyes, knowing me in a way I can never know myself. And then the Universe slams into me and I shudder and spasm, but they hold me tight with their gazes.

Kate kneels next to Lynn, who cries in the corner. Kate slips her arm around her sister’s shoulders. “You miss mom and dad too,” Kate tenderly says. Lynn nods, but doesn’t look at her sister. Tentatively, I place my hand on Kate’s shoulder. She looks up at me and through her tears she smiles even as she shakes her head. Lynn cries because of me, of what I allowed. I step away, to give the sisters some space. _This is me._

I stand on a high place and watch bits of colored paper tossed hither and thither by the raging storm. “Not anymore.” Chloe steps to my side and takes my hand. The storm surges toward the town, the wall of debris in front already there. It chews its way through the waterfront. I turn and bury my face in Chloe’s shoulder. _This is also me._

Chloe leans against the railing. It groans beneath the stress she places on it. “Talk to me, please,” I say. “Tell me about your favorite memory of her.” Below us, the motel parking lot stretches into the night. Her truck is below, an easy get away if she needs it. I stay close, but out of her space. Moments pass, and the tension drains from her arms. They move to rest elbows on the railing. Unbidden, she scoots closer to me. “Food,” she whispers into the night. “It’s always food. Like that time she made you your first chocolate chip pancakes. Your mom was on a health craze and wouldn’t let you have sugar. You spent the night, and Joyce greeted us the next morning with pancakes in bed.” There’s a smile, sad yet beautiful. Her hand reaches across the chasm between to tangle her fingers with mine. “My best memories of her are when you were with us,” she whispers. _This is who I am._

Cruel laughter splits the air as person after person crumbles into dust. From the corner of my eye, I see him watching me. His head nods in approval. The next person, a man in his twenties, rushes me and I raise my hands as a heady rush takes me. “My favorite game,” I say with delight as, with only a thought, the young man collapses into dust. It rolls and tumbles across the broken pavement, carried by his momentum. Beyond him, I see a woman crouched, hands over her face. Her shoulders shake, and a hideous crying screeches from her. It’s annoying, so I walk over to put an end to it. _This is NOT me._

A young girl lies on the road. Her limbs are spread in a way they shouldn’t and her head is at an odd angle. A sob grabs my attention, drawing my eyes to the woman couched over the girl. The resemblance is unmistakable. I look at the girl. Grief and loss swell my heart to the point of bursting. Near me, a hand lays broken and lifeless. I kneel and gently trace my fingers across the back of her hand. The world shifts and the girl lays curled in a ball on the pavement. I step away, my face hidden as the girl raises her head to the joyful shouts of her mother. _That is what I should be. Want to be._

The scenes of my life fade into the blues and purples of the expanse that welcomed me when She didn’t. The women stand and gaze at me, no longer giants in stature. Each of them smiles at me in turn, then fades into the colors beyond. The memories wrap me in comfort. They attract other, similar memories from the many lives I have lived. Each solidifies who I am, who I was, who I want to be.

My name is Max Caufield.

I love Chloe and Kate.

I value the life of others.

I will not be what She wants me to be.

No matter what it takes.


	27. Kate

Gradually, motion and soft touches along my brow make themselves known. With them comes the faint hum of tires on pavement. A hand holds mine. With a blink, I open my eyes, then immediately groan and shield them with my free hand. Overhead is the dull gray of a car ceiling. The lighting is dim, dwindling toward night.

And Chloe. Her down-turned eyes and mouth are focused on me. A light appears in her eyes when she sees mine are open. A faint smile plays at the corners of her mouth.

“Hey,” she whispers and the word is slow and cautious.

“Hey,” I whisper. _Is that my voice? Do I really sound like that?_

A slight widening of Chloe’s eyes is enough of a sign to confirm my suspicion. But that doesn’t stop her next words. “Welcome back.” Her fingers brush my bangs to the side.

“Where… are we?”

“Back in Lynn’s car headed to Portland.”

As great as it is to have my head on Chloe’s lap, laying along the backseat is awkward and I’m all twisted around. Plus, there’s a strange lump under my back. I stay there a little longer to cherish the moment. Right now, I want to snuggle into her and let her keep the world far away. Even now it beats at the edge of my mind, demanding my attention. With a rueful smile and a groan I sit up and stretch. Lynn is driving and Rachel is in the front passenger seat.

“What’d I miss - ugh!” A stabbing pain in my head changes my question to a grunt. Fingers begin to massage my neck.

“Well, after you took out all those creatures and soldiers in the most badass way possible, you… kind of fell apart.”

“Oh, that feels good.” I relax into her massaging fingers as I try to understand her words. _Me, a badass? I… That’s not the kind of badass I want to be. And why is she complimenting me on killing? _“What do you mean, fell apart?”

“You kept blinking in and out of existence, like you were a light and someone was playing with the switch.” There’s an undercurrent of worry to her light tone.

I settle back against the seat and close my eyes, her fingers still working on my neck. My hands absently attach to the seat belt. “So… did we find where Kate is? Are we on our way to get her?”

Even through my closed eyes, I can tell my words changed the ambience of the car. The air seems heavy and cold. “You could say that,” Chloe says in a tight voice. “It seems Lynn here lied about her sister.”

“What!” My eyes fly open and I look at Lynn. She slumps a little in her seat.

“Yeah. I’m still pissed at her, though I can’t entirely fault her.”

I look at Chloe with a raised eyebrow. Lynn curiously remains silent.

Chloe is silent for a bit, her eyes on the back of Lynn’s seat. When Lynn stays silent, Chloe heaves a sigh and returns her attention to me.

“She said she knew those beasts would find Kate at her workplace, so she tricked Kate into a room and locked her there.”

Lynn slouches even more in her seat. I turn my eyes on her and try to study what I can see. “Why not just tell us that,” I ask. Chloe says something, but I wave her to silence. “I want to hear it from Lynn.”

“I will protect her no matter what,” Lynn whispers loud enough for me to hear. “She’s a gentle person and doesn’t deserve to be twisted by what’s coming. Like you are.”

That last sentence is barely audible. It hits me harder than a punch to the face and makes me angry.

“Is this another one of your manipulation games, Lynn?” A cold edge laces my words and her eyes dart to me in the mirror. I think she gulps.

“What do you mean?” The life has bled from her voice and she sounds scared.

“All those games you played in that other reality to get us to Arcadia Bay,” I say. “I know it wasn’t you you, but I know you’re aware of it.”

“I…” Her words fail her.

“What are you talking about,” Chloe whispers to me. But I don’t respond. Instead, I take a deep breath to curb the irritation that threatens to turn into anger.

“Lynn.” With great effort I make my voice gentle, warm, inviting. The situation is already hard enough without me adding to it. “I’m sorry. I’m upset at being lied to. We’re your friends, your family.” She flinches at that, and I see her jaw tighten.

The recent memory of Lynn crying over the loss of her family flashes through my mind. I close my eyes for a moment, as I relive grief and tension of that moment. _She won’t consider me family._

Once the memory no longer threatens to overwhelm me, I continue. “Family can also be who you choose. You may not choose me, but you chose Chloe. But if you break that trust, you’ll find that even those you chose no longer choose you.

“I should know…” I my voice trails into silence and I turn to look out the window. “As if I’m one to talk…” Through the window the landscape devolves into one blasted and torn. A burning creeps through my wrist. Fingers creep up my arm to fulfill the need.

Chloe moves her fingers from my neck to my left hand, which she pulls onto her lap. I look at her and she gives me a smile, but it’s crumbly around the edges and doesn’t change the sadness in her eyes.

We complete that part of the trip in silence. I sit as close to Chloe as the seat belts allow and try not to think abut what I did at the junkyard. But, I do, and my heart aches.

_I… killed those people and animals._

The fact I was not in full control of myself is not lost on me. It offers little comfort, though. It was still my hands that took their lives. My face the last they saw. Chloe keeps hold of my left hand, even though she shouldn’t touch me, a heartless killer.

_Did I really laugh each time they died?_

I have to blink rapidly to clear my vision. My right wrist burns off and on the entire trip. I surreptitiously rub it against my jeans, but it’s not the same. With Chloe holding my left hand, the need remains unfulfilled, and it comes close to consuming me.

She is also there, lurking on the edges of my reality. Why or how she lost control, I don’t know. I’m determined not to repeat that though, not to give in to her ways. So she waits. A huntress at the edge of my reality, waiting for an opening.

When the lights of Portland appear, they provide needed relief. The darkness prevented me from escaping into the landscape. The city lights aren’t nearly the same, but they distract me, which is what I need right now. The need slowly ebbs and disappears. When that happens, I finally relax. My head lolls back against the seat, and I close my eyes.

_We’ll get Kate, then figure out our next step. Lynn’s car is rather small. Will she fit?_ _Wait! Since when does Lynn have a car?_

Cautiously, I open my eyes and look at the interior. Dull gray cloth everywhere. The tension returns to tighten my throat.

_Didn’t their car have a black interior? And why is there a hump in the middle of the back seat? There’s no way I sat on that the other day! Did I… change to a different reality?_

I glance at Chloe and Lynn; they are lost in their own thoughts. _How can I confirm I’m in a different reality without raising alarm?_

“So,” I begin slowly, “what’s the plan after we get Kate?”

_Why am I concerned about raising alarm?_

Chloe looks at me and seems to notice she still holds my hand because she begins caressing it. “Go back to the apartment. Rachel has stuff she wants to tell us, but wanted to wait until you woke up.”

_Apartment. Not a house._

“Are you ok?” Startled, I look at Chloe.

“Yeah… why?”

“All the blood drained from your face.”

_Shit!_ I take a breath and close my eyes. “I… this is not the reality I woke up in this morning.”

Silence. More silence. _Please, someone say something!_

“How do you know?” Chloe’s voice is calm and even.

After a swallow, I say, “The car is wrong. It had a black interior before, with t-shirt seat covers, and the car was yours, not Lynn’s. You live in a house, not an apartment.”

“Fuck.” Chloe draws the word out across several seconds. “What does that mean?”

“I don’t know!”

“Rachel destabilized her when she did her thing.” Lynn almost whispers the words they’re so soft.

“Well, how the fuck do we stabilize her,” Chloe yells.

“Let me-“

“Not now, Rachel, please!”

The silence that follows her outburst is so complete, I hear the blood rushing in my ears. Goosebumps creep up my arm and over my scalp. I shudder. “What does that mean?” My voice breaks on the question.

“If you don’t know,” Lynn says, “we don’t either.”

“But… you must have seen it, Lynn! What does it mean?” My voice raises in pitch and the words come quickly, as does my breathing.

Fingers touch my cheek, and I flinch, glancing quickly between Chloe and Lynn. “What? I need to know! I need-“

“Max,” Chloe whispers, and it’s louder than anything I’ve ever heard. “It’ll be ok. We’ll get Kate, go back to the apartment and figure this out.”

“How? How are we going to figure this out? You’re not the one jumping from one place to another! And if I’m here-”

“I know, babe. I know.”

_Babe? She’s never called me that before!_

My fingers fumble for the window button. The air in the car is tight and heavy and hot, and I need to get out of it!

“If you’re hot, Maxini, I can turn on the AC,” Victoria says as the window lowers.

I snatch my fingers from the button and look around. Kate, Lynn, and Chloe are gone. I’m in the passenger seat of Victoria’s car as we drive through the streets of Seattle. “What-“ The words cut off as my throat tightens. _I can’t be here! What’ll happen… I…_

Thoughts flee my mind and the only thing I can see and know is that I’ve jumped and my friends are in danger! _If I’m not there, does She take over?_

The dashboard looms large, the fake leather grain appearing like great canyons. “Max!”

The car has stopped, yet my hands clutch the seatbelt so tight it hurts. A gentle touch on my cheek causes me to whip my head to the side. Vic flinches and pulls her hand back.

“I don’t belong here,” I whisper.

“What do you mean,” she asks. “Did you have another episode? So close to the other one! I don’t like that.”

“No. No. No. Not an episode it wasn’t an episode I was there actually there and then I’m here and I’m Victoria I’m actually jumping into other Maxes and not imagining-“

“Max!” A hand closes on both of mine which I realize are flailing through the air as I ramble. “Max.” Her whisper cuts through the chaos of my mind. The fear that drips from my name quells the panic and burns my heart.

Laughter echoes in the recesses of my mind, and I flinch.

I look at her. With wide eyes and a pale face, Victoria holds my hands in hers. Her thumbs caress the backs. “How many toes do you have?”

“What?” I look at her in confusion. My heart pounds and pounds and pounds! Surely she must hear it.

“How many toes do you have?”

“Ten. Why-“

“Wiggle them.”

“What?” _What is she doing? Doesn’t she care about me? I have to get out-_

“Wiggle them. Please.” Her whisper filters through my thoughts, aided by a gentle touch on my cheek.

I wiggle my toes.

“How many buildings are behind me?”

I look beyond her shoulder. “One. Two. Three.” I count five buildings. The entire time, her eyes stay on me, and her fingers caress the back of one hand. She asks me other questions, each one targeting a different sense, and before I know it I can breathe and think.

“Now,” she whispers warmly, “what do you need to tell me?”

I look deep into the eyes of my wife and see nothing but love for me. Yet, I also see Kate and Chloe. They both look at me in similar ways. _I hope I look at all of them that way._

With the tension gone, my hands are loose in Vic’s lap. That doesn’t stop her caresses, which I focus on. I look down to watch her slender fingers draw creative patterns on mine. A simple wedding band with a tiny gem sparkles on her right finger. I can feel a similar one on mine. I free one hand and touch her band. I remember.

Our wedding was a simple event. Oh, at first, Victoria wanted a grand thing, with plenty of show and stylish flaunting. Then things with her parents came to a head. They tried to manipulate her into leaving me. Manipulate is too soft a word for the blackmail and abuse they used on us.

I stood by Vic and helped break her parents hold on her. When the nightmares came, I held her and talked through the frenzied terror. When they sent her photos to trigger her, I intercepted them, let her know what they did, and destroyed them so she wouldn’t see them. I helped her go through therapist after therapist until we found one that worked for her. I helped her make a clean break from her family, if not her past.

It left her with nothing but me and the few possessions she’d been able to rescue before her parents sent her things up in flames. They tried to crush her and failed.

A large wedding would’ve been their style. It’s one thing they demanded. Instead, we planned a small, intimate gathering with only close friends. A friend conducted the ceremony in a private art gallery. It was the happiest I’ve ever seen her.

I don’t know if that was me, or someone else.

I don’t know what is real.

What I do know is my heart warms when I’m with her. Just as it warms when I’m with Kate and Chloe. I also know that my power is a curse that causes harm each time I use it.

I also know that, real or not, the women beside me is powerful! She weathered abuse most people couldn’t imagine, yet it didn’t completely change her. She’s able to show empathy and care in a way that swells my heart with fuzzy goodness.

“I’m saying,” I whisper, my eyes still focused on the ring. “That I… love you… and…” To keep my eyes down seems wrong, so I make myself look her in the eye. Her worried, beautiful eyes. “… these ‘episodes’ aren’t hallucinations or delusions or any type of psychosis. They’re real. I’m leaping between realities.”

I watch her eyes narrow to slits as I explain. The little crease appears between her brows, but she stays silent. “There’s something I didn’t tell you… about my life before we came together. I… For a week, I had the ability to control time. I… originally saved my friend, Chloe, in the restroom. To save her, I rewound time, which kept her from being shot. Yet, that action brought troubles and eventually disaster to Arcadia Bay. After a week with conditions becoming ever worse, Chloe convinced me to go back in time and let her die. Either I could save her, or save everyone in town.

“I… did in this reality, which led to my loss of powers and you and I coming together. But here, I lost my powers after I saved the town. In another reality, I let the storm destroy the town. That choice led to other problems. I… I’m not your Max, Vic. A few minutes ago, I was with Chloe Price and Rachel Amber in their car. The episodes are from another Max, me, who got spread across multiple realities and doesn’t know how to get home. Once I leave, your Max may not know what happened. But if you ask her about the week that never was, I’m sure she’ll tell you.”

_Please believe me! If I’m right… I don’t want to hurt another person because of my fucking power._

She studies me as I speak, her face perpetually in her thinking pose. She doesn’t interrupt, nor do her fingers stop their caresses. There’s a time of silence where I’m so afraid she’ll reject this. Reject Max!

“Ok,” she whispers. “How can I help you?”

So many emotions run through me at those simple words that goosebumps rush over my skin and a bright smile lights my face. If good feelings powered my abilities, I’d be zipping across every reality at once right now.

“Believe me,” I whisper. “Don’t let… her go and she won’t let you go.”

She brings my hand to her lips and lightly kisses it. “I believe you,” she says, then hesitates. “Are you up for-“

“-that’s what you want? You’re sure?”

I blink. Vic is gone. In her place stands a luminous being whose features I can’t make out. Her voice is soft, cautious.

Around me, the car and Vic and Seattle are replaced by the scene that forever haunts me. The ruins of Arcadia Bay press against me. They cry at me silently, demanding justice and fairness! Neither of which I gave them.

The sudden change wrenches my heart in new ways. It’s all I can do to show a semblance of composure. Inside, I’m crying and reeling from the change and from concern over Max and Victoria.

The question the glowing woman asked me, I don’t understand. What does she mean? I look again around me and this time I see the difference.

Jefferson crouches near me, his hands shielding his face.

The ruins defy the eye. Buildings and people and cars and plants and trees appear at impossible angles. They contain colors and patterns that don’t occur in nature. At least nature on my Earth. They shift and flicker, confusing the eye as I watch them.

“It will only get worse,” the woman says. “If we do it your way, it will delay the inevitable. If we do it our way-“

“-fucking pests,” Chloe growls as she thrusts the smoking corpse of a VoidHound off the trooper underneath.

The sudden change makes me stumble, and I barely catch myself from falling. When I’m stable, I look around. I’m back on the Earth overrun by VoidHounds, only this time I know who I am and who the Max of this world is.

Chloe directs several black-armored soldiers to clear a pile of dead VoidHounds from in front of the gate. “We need to get this repaired before we’re attacked again,” Chloe says as she points to one of the gate supports. Deep gouges score the base of the support. A vivid memory of the pack focusing all their attention on that post blooms in my mind.

The soldier alongside her types something on a pad and waves a couple people over. A couple rings of soldiers stand around us, their guns pointed outward. They keep watch while we clean up the remains of the battle.

The single casualty was an accident. A soldier slipped and fell from the tower. The pack below overwhelmed him in a moment.

_Tower!_

I look up. One tower stands intact. The other is black, with twisted metal at the top. Barely any of the guard house remains.

_Where was I… Max during the attack?_

The recent events are a strange blur in my mind. They are at the cusp of clarity, but refuse to come into focus.

An idea comes to me, stirred by recent events in my own reality. I step to Chloe’s side, even though with our private channel I don’t need to. Before I voice this thought, I lick my lips and try to summon enough courage for the topic. In this reality, Kate is dead. I think she and Chloe were lovers. I don’t want to bring her pain.

“Is… um, Lynn Marsh still here,” I ask over our private channel. She stiffens at my question, and I wish so much that I could see her!

She doesn’t respond immediately, just looks into the distance. “Lynn?” There’s an emptiness to her voice that cuts me deep. _I’m sorry, Chloe!_

“Kate’s sister. I... I need to find her.”

Slowly, she turns and looks at me. Which is pointless because I can’t see through her helmet. “Why?” She asks without emotion. The emptiness is a void that wants to devour all goodness. It pulls at my heart.

_Oh no, Chloe! I… everything I do brings more pain!_

“Because I think she can help us-“

I sit in a car with a black interior. T-shirts cover the front seats. Rachel sits in the front passenger seat. The other seats are empty. “No!” I cry when I realize I switched again. There’s a brief solace at recognizing the car, but it’s swept aside.

Rachel bolts forward and looks around. “What is it? What happened?”

“I… keep leaping among realities.” Now the life has left my voice. _How can I stop this? _A thought occurs to me and chills me to the bone. “Rachel,” I say, my words slow and cautious. “The thing you did to me in the junkyard… do you think you could do it again?”

She flips down the visor and looks at me in the mirror. “Are you sure you want me to touch you? You practically bit my head off at the junkyard when I touched you after the battle. And Chloe and Lynn don’t want me doing anything to you,” she says evenly.

“I know,” I whisper. “But this is my choice and I’m asking you, please! Before I leap again and get stuck somewhere!”

She looks at me a moment before she says, “Give me your hand.”

I thrust my hand over the console, and she takes it. Her skin is dry and crackly. _A side effect of being dead?_ Then I feel it, a pulse moves from her hand to mine and sweeps up my arm. This time I expect the numbness and immobility that accompanies the pulse. Before they set in, I lean back and close my eyes.

Nothing happens.

She doesn’t speak, nor take over my body. That presence, whatever she is, remains at the end of my reality, watching. My eyes flutter open. and my hands tremble. _Did it work? Am I going to jump again? _I don’t even notice that my breaths are short and quick until I get lightheaded. By then my heart is pounding and thoughts race through my head unrestrained.

Chloe and Kate walk through a door in the building ahead and I barely see them. “I can’t tell if it’s working.” The words are hard to say because my throat is so tight.

“You don’t look well,” Rachel says as the car doors open.

Kate slides across the seat toward me, and I don’t even look at her. They speak words of greeting or of dinner or movies or I don’t know! The click of seatbelts causes my head to whip to the side. At any moment I expect to be thrown into a different place, with different rules and a different life.

Kate leans forward to say something to her sister or Lynn, or maybe to just lean forward? Chloe shoots me a look across Kate’s back. I can’t pay attention to any of it!

_Please let me stay here!_

The car starts, and Lynn carefully backs out of the parking spot. Kate leans back. Her hands smooth her slacks. Rachel still has her eyes on me. They peek over the headrest through the mirror. My fingers tap out chaotic patterns on my legs.

We drive from the building onto the darkened back streets of Portland. The further we go, the longer we drive, the more I fret.

Words fly around me, a constant buzz that seeks my attention. But I don’t hear them. Everything I am is focused on dreading a jump. “Max?”

“What!” I jerk my head to the side, eyes jumping around to find Chloe.

Chloe tilts her head and furrows her brow a little. “I asked about dinner. Are you ok?”

“Yes. No. I…”

“She said she’s been jumping between realities,” Rachel says calmly. “I think she’s scared she’s going to leap again.”

Chloe opens her mouth and makes a sound, then closes it with a click.

“That’s horrible,” Kate says, “I’m so sorry, Max.” She looks at me with soft eyes.

“It’s… ok,” I force myself to say. _I think I’ve been here longer than I was in those other realities. Except the first one._ I force my fingers to stop tapping and flatten them against my legs.

“H-how are you,” I ask. The tightness still holds my throat, which makes my voice sound strained.

“I’m… ok, Max,” she answers with her own hesitation. “I’m very upset with my sister but I would rather not talk about that right now.” She purses her lips, then smiles and she’s herself again.

_How does she do that?_

A hand takes mine. “It sounds like you had a rough day,” she says. “Is it ok if I hold you?”

“What?”

Her smile falters at my clipped exclamation. “It… would help me too,” she whispers.

“Oh.”

Slowly, I slip an arm behind her and she does the same to me. Then we’re pressed against each other’s sides. Her head leans on my shoulder. “It’s so good to have you back with us,” Kate whispers to me. “With me.” She nuzzles the side of my neck, and heat flashes through me. It’s pleasant and welcome, and I tilt my head to touch hers.

“Would you mind helping me make dinner when we get home?”

“S-sure,” I say. “What are we making?”

“Tonight, let’s make something quick and simple,” she says and gives me a little squeeze. “I’m thinking spaghetti with salad and garlic bread. Now that we have another mouth to feed, we’ll have to plan meals enough for five of us.”

I notice that Chloe has her hand on Kate’s leg. Kate’s other hand makes gentle patterns on it. There’s a rightness to it that comforts me. But when I look at Chloe face, her eyes are drilling holes in the back of Lynn’s seat. I suspect the matter between Kate, Chloe, and Lynn is far from other.

_And what about Rachel? She comes back from the dead. No! I brought her back! I… brought her back. Why did she die? Why did my power go… berserk after she ‘unlocked’ it? What does it mean to unlock my powers?_

Kate’s closeness has me in a pleasant place filled with warmth and goodness. The questions that crowd my mind slip into peaceful thoughts of her, of us. My breathing is gentle. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, enjoying the pleasant sensation.

My free hand gently rests on Kate’s leg. “Is this ok,” I breathe. I don’t want to speak loud. My face and neck are already on fire.

“Yes, it is,” comes Kate’s whispered reply and I relax.

My fingers start to draw simple patterns on the top of her leg. “I’m glad you’re ok,” I say. “We were worried about you.”

“That’s so sweet of you,” she says and gives my neck a little kiss. I’m immediately warm to the point of discomfort, but there is no way I’m changing positions right now!

After that, I lapse into silence. A few minutes later, Rachel says, “So, I’m Rachel. It’s nice to meet you, Kate.” Her eyes seek us out in the visor mirror.

_Damn! I forgot she was watching me. I bet she saw me flush! Wait! Can she see in the dark? Is that part of her ability?_

“Oh my goodness,” Kate exclaims. “I’m so rude. It’s nice to meet you finally, Rachel. You know you’re welcome to stay with us as long as you need.”

“Thanks, but I don’t intend to be with you long. Once we sort out this mess with Arcadia Bay, I’ll be on my way.”

Kate and Rachel keep up a steady conversation all the way home. I’m content with the fact that Kate keeps her head on my shoulder the entire time. Her fingers trace along my side, but never loosens her embrace.

It’s fully dark when we reach the house. Lynn parks the car at the curb and turns off the engine while the rest of us undo our seatbelts. I step into the cold night air and stretch. Without Kate nestled against my side, it seems even colder and I have to suppress a shiver.

_I haven’t switched realities, that I can tell. Maybe what she did worked!_

What seems like a snarl echoes from the edges of reality. I’m the only one that hears it. The others follow Chloe to the front door, while I stop and look at the horizon. When nothing changes, I move to the group.

Chloe unlocks the front door, and we make our way inside. “Chloe,” Rachel says once the door is closed, “is there a place you and I can talk? Alone.”

With a glance at Kate, Chloe says, “I bet Kate’ll want to take a shower, so our bedroom is out.” Rachel’s eyes widen when Chloe says ‘our bedroom’ and means Kate. She shoots a look at me, but Chloe keeps talking. “The backyard is our best option. Come on.” She immediately heads for the kitchen with Rachel trailing her.

Once they disappear, Kate steps close to me. “Chloe told me a little about your day,” she whispers. Her hands take mine. “Once I take a shower, I’d like to talk, if that’s ok.”

Her nearness. The warmth of her care. The gentleness of her smile. These bring a flutter to me that spreads upward from my core. A jitteriness takes hold of me and I find it hard to speak. When I do, my voice is higher than it should be. “Y-yes. I’d like that.”

“Ok.” She gives my nose a quick kiss, then heads for their bedroom.

Lynn watched the entire exchange. When I look at her, I can’t tell what her expression means, but it doesn’t look happy. She doesn’t meet my eyes as she follows Kate without a word.

And here I stand, alone, near the front door. The warm, fuzzy sensation Kate sparked in me still has me in its gentle grip.

** _Don’t get too comfortable._ **

Her words shatter that goodness and my mouth goes dry.

** _This is only a temporary setback. Your true self will be free, not shackled by the likes of these._ **

I ignore her hateful words and wander toward the bathroom. I turn on the cold water and wash my hands and face. _A shower would be so nice right now_. But we left our bags in the car, which is locked. And all my clothes are in my bag. Mildly frustrated, I turn the facet off, but it keeps flowing. For a moment or two I look at the water streaming into the sink. It doesn’t bubble and pool in the basin. It disturbs me.

A shadow darkens the doorway and I turn to see Lynn there. “Sorry,” she mutters and turns to go.

“No! Wait.” I look from her to the facet. “Do you see the water running?”

She looks at me; her face is sideways and eyebrows tilted. “No,” she says cautiously. “It’s not running.”

_Fuck._ “I…” _What’s going to happen next?_

Lynn turns to leave, and I catch her attention again. “Hey! Can we… talk? One awkward person to another?”

“If this is about Kate and you’re gonna go all mom on me like they did, that’s gonna be a no.”

“No. Well, it’s a little bit about Kate. There are some things I’d like cleared up. And maybe some perspective to share if you’re willing to hear it.”

She studies me a time, her face back to its normal repose. “Ok. My room.” And quick as that, she’s gone. I verify the water isn’t running by waving my hand under the facet, but it passes through dry. _Weird._ The water runs, but I have to ignore it. Just like I have to ignore what happened earlier when She took over. If I focus on that, I think I’ll fall apart. The sounds and images lurk at the edges of my mind, pressing against me, trying to smother me.

The door to Lynn’s room is ajar. I nudge it open and step into the dimly lit space. The sole light in the room comes from a lamp on her nightstand. It has pink poofy things around the base, which doesn’t seem like Lynn at all. But then, I don’t really know this woman who sits on the bed, back against the wall.

The floor is clear, aside from a couple pairs of shoes tucked against the dresser. The drawers have clothes sticking out, which keeps them from closing. The closet next to her bed is open, with clothes neatly hung. A laptop coated with stickers rests on the nightstand, along with some phone chargers.

There is no consistent color or decorating scheme. On the walls hang posters of music groups I’ve never heard of. By their styles, the groups appear to cover several music genres. A playbill for a school play sits among them. No artwork of her own.

“Were you in this play,” I ask as I look at the bill.

“Yeah, in my sophomore year.”

“Did you enjoy it?”

There’s a moment of silence before she says, “It was fun.”

“Why’d you stop?”

“What makes you think I stopped?”

I turn and seat myself on the end of the bed. The sheet and blanket are piled between us. “You don’t have one from last year or this year.”

One of her knees is popped up, and she runs her finger in circles on it. “Money and time are tight. Theatre doesn’t pay. I work after school most days to help out.”

_Another thing I screwed up. Fuck that storm!_

** _You liberated her from her oppressive parents and taught her what it means to be independent._ **

I barely suppress a shudder from Her hateful words. I have to keep my eyes focused on the rumpled blanket with its meandering folds.

“What did you want to talk about?”

I turn and arrange myself so I’m sitting cross-legged and facing her, but my eyes aren’t focused on her. They flick to her face, to her hands, to her feet, and back. An endless nervous loop as I try to hold back what She continues to stir up. After a deep breath, I ask, “Do you still hate me?”

The way she responds, with a visible flinch and her eyes widening, tells me she didn’t expect that question. _So I’m able to surprise a person who can see the future?_

“Hate,” she says and tries to act casual. “Why would I hate you?”

Now I focus my eyes on her face while hers won’t meet mine. “Because the storm killed your sister and parents. And I let it happen. But I wonder if you ever truly hated me, or just used that as an excuse.”

Though I give a lengthy pause, she doesn’t fill the silence with her words. In fact, she lowers her leg, crossing it over the other, and folds her hands onto her lap. She looks at me, composed and calm.

“Do you?”

Again, she doesn’t reply, so I try something else.

“In three realities that I can recall, including this one, it’s been very important to you that I go to Arcadia Bay. In two of them…” I take a deep breath because I don’t like what I will say. I make myself keep my eyes on her, though the desire to look away is so powerful!

“In two of them, you manipulated events to make it happen. Why?”

She shrugs and says, “We had to get Rachel.”

“Is that the reason in all the realities?”

Her answer is a small smile.

“Why the games, the manipulation? Especially here?”

“Because I didn’t want anyone to know I have a special ability.”

She has me there. I forgot that Chloe’s only known about her ability for only a day. _Does Kate know yet? Do they know… in those other realities? _After I pause to regather my thoughts, I ask, “And now that they know?”

She shrugs and says, “I don’t know yet.”

“Well… please don’t do it to me anymore. I don’t enjoy being manipulated, even if it’s for good results. Tell me the facts and let me make my decision.”

“Sure.”

Her voice doesn’t reassure me. And the confident look she wears makes me wonder if she’s truly agreeing. I slit my eyes and ask, “how important to you is it that you bring back your parents and Sarah? That’s what all this is about, isn’t it? Everything else is less important.”

“Not everything,” she says and leans forward. “My family is everything to me. You may have taken them from me, but you’ll also give them back to me. I’ve seen it. While you do that, I won’t let Kate get hurt.”

_Ouch._

“And Chloe?”

Her face pales before she shrugs. “Right,” I say doubtfully. “Chloe’s in there with Kate. If you let Chloe get hurt, that means Kate gets hurt.”

“Listen,” she says, and her voice is suddenly hard. “I’m not the fucking child they think I am! I will stop at nothing to keep my family safe and get the rest of them back.”

I lean forward. “But what if they no longer recognize you when you’ve done that? You’re already no longer the little sister Kate treasured. Oh sure, she still adores you and wants to protect you. If she knew about how you twist things to get your way? What would she think?”

We both look at each other, our eyes hard in unwavering stares. For a moment I consider telling Lynn about the role she played in my talking Kate off the roof of Blackwell. But it feels too manipulative and shallow. Instead I say, “They think you have a crush on me. That’s not true either, is it!”

A faint pink hue touches her cheeks, and it’s my turn to have wide eyes. “You… oh. Oh!” She turns away from me and my stomach sinks. All the hard thoughts the last few minutes had formed in me, flee in the face of her embarrassment. Absently, I notice my fingers have rolled part of the blanket.

Now her cheeks are a deep red and I don’t know what to do or say. Finally, I squeak, “I… I’m sorry, Lynn. I didn’t mean to embarrass you.”

“Not all of it.” Her whisper is shaky and weak. “You’re… right. I… I don’t hate you. Family is really important to me, though. Just…” she looks at me with pleading eyes. “Please don’t tell the others about… me maneuvering things.” And suddenly, in the place of the the bristly, confident young woman sits an embarrassed teenager still trying to figure out what it means to be an adult. It reminds me of myself, five years ago, sitting on my bed in the dorm trying to sort through my feelings for Chloe after finding Rachel’s journal. It upended everything I thought I knew, except for my determination to bring what I thought was a better life for Chloe.

“I… don’t know,” I whisper. “I can’t condone manipulation. It’s cruel.” 

She nods and manages to squeeze out, “You’re right. I’ll tell them.” She pauses before adding, “I… I’m sorry… for manipulating you. I… I thought it was the only way I could make it happening. Saving Rachel, that is.”

We look at each other for an awkward time. Then, all the rest of my words having fled, I slide off the bed and stand.

A small voice interrupts my awkward exit. “Max? Please don’t go yet. I’m… I’m scared.”

I look at her with her knees now bunched to her body and arms around them. _I’ve done that many times._ “What scares you?” I retake my seat on the bed.

“Losing everyone I know. I… I see these things but don’t understand them and I can’t control them! The visions, they just come when they want to and they’re so…”

She lifts her face from her knees, wide eyed and with tear tracks down her cheeks. “I’ve been alone and scared since the first time. It happened not long after losing my parents and Sarah. We weren’t with you and Chloe yet. I didn’t even know who you were, but I saw you in my vision. I could feel your grief and despair over what happened to Arcadia Bay. I saw him find you and… you burst into bright sparks and disappeared.”

Her hands run through her hair and grips it tightly. “I woke up screaming in our motel bed. Kate tried to comfort me. She thought it was a nightmare and wouldn’t listen to what I was saying. I tried again later in the day to talk about it, but sis didn’t understand. Since then, I kept it to myself, each vision, each nightmare.”

Lynn keeps her eyes on the bed as she speaks, her hands moving from her face to her hair and back. “I’ve been alone despite having sis and Chloe, and it fucking sucks.”

“Yeah,” I whisper. “It does. Even when they do listen… they aren’t experiencing the changes. It can feel like your life is out of control when these abilities appear when and how they want.” I force my hands to stop playing with the blanket and move them to my knees.

She nods and says, “At first I was mad at sis for not listening. Now, I think she didn’t know how to help me. We’d just lost our family, and she was dealing with that and becoming a parent to me. I’m sure she tried her best, though it didn’t feel it when it happened.

“But each time since…” She pauses and wipes her nose with a tissue that she tosses onto the nightstand. “The visions… they aren’t like watching a movie. I live them. And…” She gives me a furtive look, her cheeks flaming red.

“Most of them were about you,” she whispers. “You went through hell and I saw it, lived it with you. You continue to go through hell, all for friendship and love. I… want to be like you: powerful, determined, able to act when needed. I want to be you, not a weak, scared girl who couldn’t get over the loss of her parents and sister.”

Lynn looks at me, open and honest. “I want to love someone as strongly and deeply as you love Chloe. I want someone to love me the way she and sis do you.” Her words make me squirm and I look away.

“I…” I should tell her something now, something wise and adult-like. But my words fail. 

“There’s nothing wrong with your feelings and memories toward Sarah and your parents,” I say after a long silence. “You went through your own form of hell. It… changes us. And you do love someone that strongly, you love Kate and Sarah-“

“No! I… don’t mean like that.”

“Oh.”

We sit in silence a while, each lost in our own thoughts. Many of mine are accusatory, filled with guilt and remorse. Scenes from my own memories fuel them. I pick at my jeans as I strive to sort through what she said, what I’m feeling.

_She experiences visions like I did five years ago. I wonder why I stopped having them?_

But that question doesn’t matter. I remind myself this is about Lynn, about someone trying to figure out these unasked-for changes twisting her life.

“You’re welcome to talk to me about your powers,” I say. “I’m scared too. I’ve been scared since I first saw Chloe shot five years ago. Scared of losing her, of failing her. Scared of not being good enough, of my power failing when I need it most. Scared that I’m not the right person, that at some point the Universe will realize it fucked up when it gave me the power and take it away right when I need it most.” 

_Scared that every time I use my power, it backfires in a dreadful way that I can’t foresee. Scared that She will take me over, push me out, and that will be it._

But I don’t share that with her.

“Being scared is ok, Lynn.”

Her eyes are far away as I share these things with her. There’s a tension to her body that keeps her shoulders squared. “I’m scared they won’t want me… no one will want me… once they learn of my abilities and… what I did. How can they want someone who might know what they’ll do or say before they do it?”

“Chloe wants you, and she knows.”

She shakes her head. “She just hasn’t thought of that possibility yet.”

“I think she has, and it doesn’t matter to her. Think about what it means for her to have a girlfriend that can rewind time. I could easily use it to get my own way, to avoid problems and many other things. She knows that-“

An image, a memory, flashes through my mind. Chloe and I stand in a parking lot under the streetlight. We just argued about something, I don’t remember what. “You could just rewind all this away,” she spits, “And then I wouldn’t know!”

“I would know,” I say and touch her elbow.

The memory squeezes my chest, and my stomach plummets. I cough to cover up my hesitation, then look at Lynn. “She knows,” I finish weakly. “Just… try talking to them. Share this part of yourself with them.”

I make myself look at Lynn. I see her as she is, and as she was. A young teenager shakes as she holds herself. An older teen looks at me with unreadable eyes. They both move and act independently, yet are the same.

“Maybe,” she mutters. “Sis hid it, but I know becoming responsible for me was a hardship she’d never imagined at her age. I didn’t want to be a burden, to make life harder for sis than it already was. And I don’t want to now. That’s why I kept everything to myself and tried my best to be the support she needed. I locked away my thoughts and feelings and powers and kept them separate from her. She doesn’t need this now, to know her sister is a freak.”

“You aren’t a freak,” I choke. The younger Lynn is crying, and it rips at my heart. “Just… I can be a friend for you, if you’ll let…”

“But nothing more.”

“I… I’m sorry.”

Her eyes study me, flicking back and forth. Her hands grip her legs tightly.

“You have an advantage I didn’t,” I whisper. I’m trying to ignore the crying Lynn, but it’s so hard! “You have people that love you. Your ability won’t scare them. You won’t scare them! You’ll make mistakes, and that’s ok. We all make mistakes-“

“You can rewind to erase yours.”

“N-no.” My voice is a quavering mess as the younger Lynn rocks back and forth in her despair.

Around us, ruins come into view, a town destroyed with thousands dead.

A truck smashes into an unseen barrier, saving the people in the restaurant. The driver dies, crushed by their own vehicle.

A circle of bodies surrounds me, scattered haphazardly on the ground. People struck down as they fought against me. Against Her.

I grip my elbows and try to suppress a shudder. I fail.

“You’re seeing them, aren’t you,” she asks.

_When did she get close to me?_

Lynn sits near me, her legs almost touching mine.

Beyond Lynn, I see people huddled against a wall. Their clothes are torn and dirty, caked with mud and blood and other things. Two adults keep two children hidden behind them, shielded from me.

Words whisper in my ear, a prompt to encourage action. “Don’t let their appearance, or what they say, fool you! They must be destroyed before they destroy us!”

A desire to watch them crumble into dust fills me, a heady thrill that I can barely restrain. That I don’t want to restrain!

I shake my head, but the memory remains. Only it’s not a memory. I am with Lynn in her room.

I stand among the ruins of Arcadia Bay.

I sit on a bed with a woman who has a crush on me.

I kneel in the parking lot of a restaurant.

I reach for Lynn’s crumpled blanket.

I stalk innocents among the torn landscape of a former city.

Lynn needs someone, but it’s not me. It can’t be me. I stand with a suddenness that startles her. “Please,” I beg and I don’t know if I say that to her, or to the other realities I’m simultaneously part of. “Talk to Kate and Chloe. Share this-“

But the realities close in on me with a swiftness that takes my breath away! They yank me in their direction and smash my heart.

_I have to get away!_

Bodies bent and broken litter the path and the land all around me. Cold arms reach for me as I pass. Dead, empty eyes follow me as I stumble away. They want me to join them, to pull me into their embrace and capture the warmth of life I possess. Among them, I see people I knew, people that died because of my careless disregard. Joyce. Fellow students at Blackwell. Sarah. Others.

From a distance, She who is not me watches. And laughs. She mocks me, but I don’t understand her words. All my attention is on getting away from this nightmare and avoiding their grasping hands. “Soon,” she whispers, a thin blade that slices through the confusion and chaos that troubles me.

Light falls upon me, soft and warm, filled with golds and pinks. It pushes back against the realities that seek to smother me. A touch on my hand draws my eyes upward. Kate kneels before me. A faint glow reaches out from her to wrap me in a warm embrace.

“There you are,” she whispers. “I’m worried about you. Lynns said you disappeared, and she couldn’t find you. Is it ok if I give you a hug?”

I’m nodding before she finishes the word. Arms slip around me. They pull me from the shattered realities into hers. I cry as they reluctantly pull their claws from my mind and heart. But Kate is there with gentle caresses and soft kisses to heal them.

Their bedroom comes into focus. I don’t know how I got there. Kate holds me against her, my head tucked under hers. The door opens, and Chloe fills the entry. She closes the door softly behind her and walks toward us.

She closes the door loudly behind her and walks toward us.

She leaves the door open and walks toward us.

She stands in the doorway, her eyes shadowed, and studies us.

“Good, you’re here.” Kate’s gentle voice disrupts whatever is happening. The scenes shift and waver, then resolve into Chloe standing at the side of the bed. She seats herself next to us.

“Max needs us,” Kate says. And then there are two pairs of arms around me. Blue light mingles with the pinks and golds that enfold us. Four hands that soothe away the marks left on my mind and heart. They form a connection between me and the world and Universe. The fractured bits that are me swarm along that connection, forming and reshaping me in their arms.

For the first time since I awoke this morning, I know I am where I belong.


	28. Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: self-harm is implied and discussed in this chapter

In their arms, all is right. The world lies outside their room; a world that wants to keep me in chaos.

When Kate stirs, I cling to her tighter. “Please don’t leave,” I whisper.

“I’m not leaving,” she says, “my legs hurts is all.”

“Oh.” I loosen my grip, not entirely, and shift my weight. She moves her leg then brings me back against her side.

I want to stay here forever, though I know I can’t.

“Hey, Max,” Chloe says cautiously. She moved with us. Her touch and hold just as important in keeping me here, connected. “Do you feel like talking about what happened?”

_What happened?_

_“_Do you mean what happened right now?”

“Yeah.”

Her fingers caress my forearm. I focus on the sensation. Her fingers, with their light touch, move up and down the arm. Little trails of tingling sensations follow her fingers. “I can try,” I say, “but I’m not sure it will make sense.”

“How about this,” she offers after a moment, “how are you feeling?”

Back and forth her fingers move. Now my eyes are on them, focused on the nails with their smooth lines. She doesn’t wear polish, but her nails gleam in the light. “Confused,” I whisper. “Alone. Scared.”

“Those seem like natural responses to what you experienced,” Kate says from the other side. “Tell us about being scared.”

“I’m afraid of using my power,” I whisper.

Bright eyes appear in my mind, blue, cold. A hint of danger, or a promise of it, I don’t know. A shiver runs through me.

“Are you cold,” Kate asks.

“No.” My voice is dry and hollow.

“Why are you afraid of using your power,” prompts Chloe.

_Focus, Max! Focus on her fingers, her touch!_

The eyes narrow and seem to follow me.

Up one side of my arm, across and down; Chloe’s fingers move in their soft pattern. I keep my eyes on them, noticing the slight imperfections. The edges of her fingers, and around the nails, are darker than the rest of her hands.

_Dirt from her job?_

The focus allows me to push Her aside. “Bad things happen when I use my power,” I say. “Yesterday, I used my power to help someone. Then, the VoidHound shows up and… well… all that. That’s… a pattern across all the realities. It’s been that way from the start. I save you, only to cause the storm.”

“Yeah, that must suck if bad things always follow your power,” Chloe says.

“It’s not just that though,” I continue. “With my power now sending me into… random other realities, I’m scared of losing the two of you. Am I in the right reality? When I jump, what happens while I’m gone?”

“Well,” Chloe slowly says. “You said you jumped when we were in the car, right?” I nod. “I couldn’t tell you were gone. I mean, you were quiet, but you asked questions and carried on conversation like you normally do.”

_Does that mean… She takes over?_

_No. That can’t be right. What happened during the first week of my power when I photo jumped?_

Photo jump. I haven’t used that part of my power since I tried to save William. That ability seems so strange now.

“There’s something else,” I pause, and my voice trails into silence.

_I should tell them about… Her._

_But it’s hard._

I screw my eyes shut and try to push the hesitation away. They need to know, need to hear this.

There’s a way to do this, to share this shameful part of myself. It’s a trick I learned from Vic in our married life.

_Put yourself at a distance. You aren’t here. You’re simply telling some friends a story, like buying groceries._

“What happened in the junkyard,” I ask. I’ve moved my mind from here, to a distant place and it’s reflected in my voice.

“I didn’t get a good look at first,” Chloe says after a moment. “You started glowing, like Rachel, but different colors. Then you… did something, I couldn’t tell what. Those strange soldiers and their VoidHounds were… blinked out of existence. It was strange to see you running around the junkyard. You moved through the stillness a lot more than I ever have.”

Her story makes me open my eyes and quickly look at her. “I… didn’t fly,” I ask.

“No,” she says and shakes her head. “You walked, ran, or portaled everywhere.”

I look at her, my mind emptied by her answer. After several moments, she moves her hand to my upper arm. “What do you remember?”

_Flying. Disintegration. Cold-blooded killing. Glee._

I look at her. Worried eyes under a furrowed brow peer at me. “I… remember other things.”

_Am I in the right reality!?_

_How similar can they be?_

The light dims. “Max.” Chloe’s voice sounds so far away.

“Max.” Kate too.

_Why are they so far away?_

_Why can’t I see them?_

“Can you tell me how many fingers I’m holding up?” Kate’s voice worms through the cloud of thoughts in my mind. I blink and look at her hand without actually focusing on it.

“How many fingers am I holding up,” Kate asks again.

“Th-three,” I say.

Something flutters in front of my face. “What do you smell,” asks Kate.

I take a deep breath. “Honey and…” A bright gleam of golden light appears in my mind. “Sunshine.”

“What do you feel, with your fingers?”

Whatever I’m touching is slightly rough, yet smooth. “It’s both rough and smooth, firm yet soft.” A giggle greets my answer.

“I-I’m sorry for laughing,” Kate says.

I realize I can see her and Chloe now. We’re no longer on the bed. I’m half laying on Kate and my fingers are on her thigh.

“You panicked,” Chloe says softly. She slips a hand under my arm and applies a little upward pressure. I respond to the tug and she pulls me into a sitting position.

“Are you sure you’re ok to talk right now,” Kate says as she helps me. “We can talk about it another time.”

“I’m not ok,” I say and bury my face in my hands. “I… don’t think I’ll ever be ok but I need to talk about… what’s happening. For five years, I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about what happened! And now that I’m here? And I know what happened? If I don’t open up to someone… to you…”

I raise my head and look at them. Kate kneels before me. Her hands rest on her knees and there’s a soft look to her face. Chloe’s right next to her, one hand on Kate’s back. One of her knees is popped up and her hand rests on it.

“I’m scared of losing both of you… especially if I share what’s going on… up here.” I tap my head, but keep my eyes averted. “There’s…”

_I need to tell them!_

But it’s hard and my words don’t want to come.

_If I don’t tell them… then I’lll be alone… with this._

But they don’t need to have this burden, this weight, this nonsense.

_If I tell them… it makes it… Her… real._

“… This person… in my head. She speaks to me and… shows me things. Sometimes she is me. Earlier, in the junkyard, she became me and we flew into the sky but she’s not me she’s not like me at all she likes to kill and she killed all of them all the soldiers all the VoidHounds she didn’t disappear them or portal them to another place she turned them into dust and she enjoyed it-“

The words rush out of me without pause or sense. They flood the room and crowd out all the good things until I’m out of breath and I have to take a huge gulp of air. It’s the only thing that stops the onslaught. I keep my eyes on my knees and try to ignore my fingers that can’t stay still.

“You didn’t fly at the junkyard,” Chloe whispers after what must be many minutes of silence. She starts to say more but I cut her off.

“Don’t you see though,” I protest. “We have different memories of the events. I flew! I saw her… turn those people into dust. I saw the fear in their eyes and it haunts me!”

A touch on my arm stops me. It’s only then that I realize my hands are raised in fists and I’m leaning over them. Kate looks up at me. Her eyes are wide as she focuses on me. “What do you think it means that your memories are different than Chloes,” she asks.

I settle back onto my knees and don’t look at them. “It means,” I say slowly, “that I jumped into a different reality before the events in the junkyard even happened.”

Silence normally welcomes me, comforts me. The one that settles after I speak is the opposite. It’s heavy and smothering. It wants to crush me, to push me out.

“I don’t even know if I’m in the right reality now,” I whisper. “I’m scared that I’m stuck somewhere and the Max you know and deserve is stuck somewhere else and that I’ll never find my… Chloe, my Kate. I feel like I’m stuck, destined to bounce from reality to reality without end. That… that I’ll never find where I belong.”

A touch on my leg brings my attention there. Fingers rest lightly on my knee. Though I don’t want to, my eyes move from the fingers, up the arm, to find Kate looking at me. Something clenches inside me at the way she looks at me. “That certainly sounds scary,” she whispers and her fingers stroke my knee.

“As far as I’m concerned,” Chloe says with a thick voice. “You’re where you belong. Here with Kate and I.”

I try to give Chloe a smile, to acknowledge that she’s trying to help. My heart isn’t into it, though, and it falters. “I’m glad you think that way,” I say. “I… can’t. Though when I woke up in my old house several days ago I did. I thought after five years it had finally ended! Now…”

I look at them, both touching me, both attentive and caring. “Now it’s worse and I don’t know what to do.”

“I got to admit,” Chloe says, “this is new territory for both of us.” She glances at Kate then to me. “I don’t know what to do or say. I’m here for you, in whatever way you need.”

“Me too,” Kate whispers.

“Thanks,” I say. I find their hands and take them in mine. “I don’t know either. I… hope that I’m in the right place, the right reality, because I don’t know if I can take this uncertainty much longer.”

Kate scoots closer until she’s almost touching me. “Do you need to talk more?”

I shake my head. “No. I need to do something different.” I start to ask about making dinner when I stop myself. “You though, Kate. Do you want to talk about what you went through? I’m so sorry Lynn did that to you.”

For a long moment, she looks at me. The look of compassion and care she turned on me slowly crumbles until she turns away. “Can we talk about it later,” she whispers in a rough voice. “I appreciate your asking. I’m not ready to talk about it yet.”

“Sure.” I give her hand a squeeze.

She looks at me with one of her bright smiles.

_How does she do that? Go from dreary to bright and cheery?_

But she’s not truly that way because clouds hide behind her eyes. Even the edge of her smile is frayed. “Now,” she says throatily, “let’s make dinner! All I had to eat yesterday and today were snack bars.”

“Ok,” I say then, after a moment’s hesitation, “I’m here for you, too.”

Kate climbs to her feet and pulls me up. Chloe rises next to us. “Thank you,” Kate whispers.

Doubt about being in the correct reality eats at me, but I hide it as I follow her from the room. Chloe closes the door behind us, then we’re in the living room. “All right, ladies,” Kate says in a firm tone. “Enough lazing about. We have dinner to prepare!”

Over her shoulder, I see Lynn and Rachel on the couch. Each has her head bent over a phone.

_Did I… bring back Rachel’s phone, too?_

I stop walking and Chloe bumps into me. Lynn and Rachel stand and slip their phones into their pockets. “Sorry, sis,” Lynn says with a furtive glance at me. “But I still have schoolwork to do.”

Kate says something in response, but I’m still distracted by my restoring Rachel’s phone.

_Well, I brought back Rachel, and her clothes. Her phone can’t be more complex than her!_

It creeps me out though. I tackle that feeling and follow it to its source.

Rachel, a woman dead for five years, walks around the couch to speak to Kate. Just hours ago, she was bits and pieces. Atoms spread across reality, and a dead body in the ground.

_And I… brought her back. Her clothes. Her phone. Her memories._

“You ok,” Chloe whispers to me as Lynn walks past us.

“I’ll be ok in a moment,” I reply.

Rachel keep glancing at me as Kate speaks with her. Her expression is unreadable when she looks at me.

“Dinner then,” Chloe says and gives me a nudge.

I nod and walk into the kitchen. The others follow. “Spaghetti and salad,” I say to remind myself. And to hope I’m in the same reality as earlier.

“Correct,” announces Kate. “And let’s add garlic bread to it.” She looks at the three of us. “Chloe, I know you can cook. Max and Rachel, what about you two?”

We both nod, with Rachel continuing to look at me when Kate looks away. “Rachel,” Kate says, “do you have any dietary restrictions?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Ok, you can brown the meat and prepare the sauce. Don’t worry, it’s from a jar.”

“Chloe, dear, please set the table and do the garlic bread. Max, would you mind making the salad?”

We set to our tasks. Kate kneels and opens cupboards next to the stove. “The meat is in the bottom drawer of the fridge on the left,” she says as she pulls a large pot from the cupboard. “Vegetables for the salad are in the drawer on the right, and the shelf above.”

Rachel retrieves the package of meat and sets it on the counter. She steps aside so I can get my supplies. Meanwhile, Chloe washes her hands. “Don’t forget to wash your hands, Rachel and Max,” Kate says.

I load up my arms with lots of yummy veggies that will make this salad excellent, then close the fridge with my toe. I carefully carry them to a counter and set them there. While I do that, Rachel washes her hands. It gives me a moment to study her. Taller than me, but shorter than Chloe, she has lustrous hair to her mid-back. Her shoulders are loose and her stance is relaxed. When she moves there is a certain grace that makes me wonder if she was a dancer.

She steps away, returning to the stove, and I take her place. I combine washing my hands with washing some of the veggies. “Do you have a colander,” I ask.

“Check the bottom cupboard to your left,” Chloe calls from the table.

After I dry my hands, I look in the cupboard and find it. “And a knife?”

“The drawer above the cupboard,” Kate answers.

The knife I find is sharp and well balanced. I heft it appreciatively and study the edge. It’s a very good knife.

A cutting board leans against the wall. I rinse it off and set the hard veggies, radishes, carrots, and jicama, along one edge. The romaine and arugula I set in the colander for now. I’ll do it last.

I place a carrot on the board, then pause.

_Are these skills Joyce taught me in that other reality?_

That makes me think of Vic and Joyce and my heart twinges.

_Joyce died in the storm in this reality. And Vic…_

My hands move automatically, slicing the carrots into thin disks.

“While we cook,” Rachel says, “do you mind if I talk about what’s going on?”

“I don’t mind at all,” Kate replies. “Until a few hours ago, I only knew you from Chloe’s stories. I’d enjoy learning more about you.”

“What about you, Max,” Rachel says. Her question makes me pause. The carrots are all sliced and piled on one corner of the board.

“I… don’t mind,” I say slowly. _But do I?_

A strange sensation grips me at her question. I try to ignore it and grab the radishes. I think Chloe says something, but I’m focused on slicing the tops off the red and white orbs. A tangy scent fills the air.

A shadow falls across my right side. I look up to find Rachel standing there. “Max, I want you to know I didn’t want to hurt you,” she says. There’s an unreadable look on her face.

Behind her, the meat sizzles in the pan. Kate stands near a large pot of water. She appears focused on the pasta in her hands, but her head is slightly turned in our direction.

_When did she fill the pot with water?_

“What do you mean?” The knife handle is smooth under my fingers. One finger plays with the guard, sliding along its curve.

“It’ll make more sense in a bit,” she says. “Just… you didn’t deserve what happened and… I’m responsible for some of it.”

Her words cause a shiver to run up my spine and I look away from her. I don’t like what she hints at.

The scrape of metal on metal tells me she’s returned to the stove. The fork or spoon, or whatever Rachel uses, goes round and round as she browns the meat.

“In my last year at Blackwell, I began to notice changes in myself.” Her words float on the air, carried by the scents of cooking food. “At first I dismissed them. I thought they were… well it doesn’t matter. What matters is I began to notice a strong desire to stay in Arcadia Bay. When I’d go out of town with James and Rose I had powerful urges to return. I felt more alive, more in control, more confident in AB than anywhere else. It confused me because there was nothing I wanted more than to escape. Then, strange things began happening.”

She pauses and the room is filled with the sound of sizzling meat. Most of the vegetables are sliced into neat piles, waiting for me to complete the task and throw them into the colander. On the counter to my left, Chloe places what she needs to make the garlic bread.

“Details don’t matter right now,” continues Rachel. “Suffice to say, I figured out I have special abilities, powers. Only, I figured that out too late to do anything. The day before the last party of my life I had a vision. It was like a waking dream. So real I felt like it was happening.”

Chloe has placed several thick pieces of bread on a baking sheet and is now coating them thick with butter. I turn my attention to the last veggies that need sliced.

“What did you see,” Kate aks. It seems to me that the question bounces around the room. A fierce echo that amplifies when near me. I flinch at the effect.

“My death.” The sizzle of the meat and scrape of her cooking instrument nearly drown out Rachel’s response. I pause, knife edge rested against the bell pepper.

“I saw what would happen the next night at the Vortex Club party. The vision showed me what would happen if I stayed away, and what would happen if I went along with… Nathan. It was… fucked up.”

Her words cause a strange void to open in me and I cough into my arm. “I know what it’s like to experience one of those visions,” I say after my cough. “Mine weren’t that specific though. They showed me what would happen, but not why. Nor did they give me choices, or tell me how to change it.”

“That sounds equally fucked,” Rachel says. “I can’t imagine a vision where I saw my death and nothing further. I’m sorry, Max.”

“Thanks.” The knife rests on the cutting board. A tingle surfaces in my right wrist.

“And you still went to the Vortex party,” Kate asks, her voice filled with horror.

After a long pause, Rachel answers, “Yes.” A pop sounds and I look over to see she’s opened the sauce. The meat sizzles loudly, then is muffled as the sauce covers them.

“There’s another jar in the pantry,” Kate says. “Would you mind heating it in a separate pan? Max and I don’t eat meat.”

Rachel nods and turns toward the pantry. I return my gaze to my task and study the orderly piles of sliced vegetables on the cutting board. The counter edge is sharp under my palms as I lean forward.

_Are we both pawns in a fucked up game?_

There’s a clink of metal on metal followed by a soft hiss and pop. A faint whoosh follows as the spark lights the gas. “If I stayed away, or avoided the path of Nathan,” Rachel says, “It meant Chloe would die. Jefferson would unleash terror on the planet and no one could stop him. Or, I could let myself die. The terror would still come, but someone would be there to oppose him.”

Rachel walks behind to toss the empty jars in the trash. Chloe nudges me. “You ok,” she whispers.

“Yeah,” I slowly say. Even though I’m not making the salad anymore. Even though the tingle in my wrist has begun to burn.

“What was the terror,” Kate asks.

“The things we fought in the junkyard this morning,” Rachel replies.

“Chloe and Lynn told me a little about them. Scary, horrible things.” From the corner of my eye I see Kate shiver when she says that.

Then, Kate is at my side with a large, empty pot. She turns on the water and begins filling the pot.

“Who opposes him?” Kate stirs the bubbling pot and fishes out a strand of spaghetti to test.

Next to me, the water streams endlessly into the pot.

Chloe sets down the baking sheet with a bang which makes me jump.

“If I chose to save myself,” Rachel says. No one else heard the bang. Just like no one else sees the duplicate Kate and Chloe performing their prep duties. The burning hurts.

“If I chose to die,” Rachel says, “A person very… important to Chloe would come to Blackwell Academy. With her help, Chloe would complete the healing I helped start. This person, she’d discover her own ability and, like me, be faced with a hard choice. Hers would tear her apart no matter what she chose to do.”

“Stop.” The din of cooking masks my whisper.

“She’d… survive experiences no one should have to and be broken again and again, but she’d face down Jefferson and his hordes.”

“Please stop.” The room around me is dark. The knife gleams and calls to me. Fingers twitch in its direction. The water flows into a pot it can never fill.

Blue eyes replace the cold, hard knife edge. They look at me, brows and mouth lowered at the corners. “Rachel, please stop talking,” Chloe says. The darkness begins to recede.

“I haven-“

“Just stop!”

Chloe wraps an arm around my shoulders and gently leads me to the living room. She helps me sit on the couch and takes the spot next to me. The sounds of cooking follow us and keep us company for a few minutes.

“What’s going on, Max,” Chloe whispers. She has my right hand in hers. Fingertips caress the inside of the wrist.

I look from her slowly dancing fingers up to her face. When I try to speak, the words won’t come, plus my mouth and throat are dry.

“Do you need a drink,” she asks. I nod.

“Kate,” Chloe calls over her shoulder. “Would you mind bringing Max a drink, please?”

Momentarily, she appears in front of us with a tall glass of water. After I accept it from her, one hand falls to my knee. “I’m worried about you,” she whispers. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice what the story was doing to you.”

I give her a weak smile then down half of the water. The coolness makes my mouth and throat rejoice as it soothes them. Kate kneels and touches my cheek. “My poor Max,” she whispers.

“Thanks,” I croak after the drink. “It’s ok. I think none of us knew her story would do something to me.”

Her fingers brush my cheek again, then her hand falls to her side. “Do you want me here,” she offers.

I hesitate a moment. Kate and Chloe I’m comfortable with, though I fought it at first. But talking here, in the living room, within earshot of Rachel, a person I barely know? That’s a different matter.

“I do,” I say. “Just… I don’t know if I can… talk here.” Kate’s eyes wander over my shoulder to the kitchen.

“I understand,” she says. “I’ll go be with her and… distract her so you and Chloe can talk. Unless you want to go to the bedroom.”

That makes me instantly shake my head. I’m not ready to go to their bedroom in full view of Rachel. I don’t know what bugs me about that.

“Ok.” Kate gives my knee a pat, then stands. She looks once at Chloe, then returns to the kitchen.

Moments later, I hear Kate strike up a neutral conversation with Rachel.

“I… love her.” The words come to me suddenly. A whispered promise, an invokation of goodness.

“More than once I’ve told her she is the better part of us,” Chloe says. Her hand still holds mine and once Kate is gone, her fingertips resume their caress.

I take a chance and lean my head against her shoulder. For a while I sit there, tucked against her side, and let myself enjoy this moment. The faint smell of old cigarette smoke and grease and charred metal clings to her. “The story,” I whisper, “made me feel like I had no choice in what happened. I don’t… fault Rachel for choosing your life over hers. I’d do the same. Whatever is going on, giving people powers, why did she get a choice and a clear path and I didn’t? I’ve been fumbling through this for years, fucking things up. And to hear I didn’t have a choice? That no matter what, I’d be broken and break others? It… sucks.”

She shifts beside me, but only to hold me closer. She moves her hand to wrap her arm around me tight. “Yeah, it does suck,” She agrees. The breath from her words stirs my hair. “I can imagine a little of that. I know Rachel said she chose to save my life. It doesn’t stop me thinking that she chose to disappear without a word, without an attempt to explain. She chose to hurt me. She felt she had to. It doesn’t lessen the pain.”

I look up to see her eyes focused on the window opposite. I love her profile, the way the light from behind casts part of her features into shadow, while highlighting her jaw and lower face. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “You suffered too and I ignored that. Again.”

She shakes her head and says, “You didn’t ignore me. You’ve got so much on you that I can’t imagine. I hope… want us to support each other. That’s one thing I learned years ago. We need a close friend sometimes.”

“Thanks,” I say and return my head to her shoulder. “It won’t stop me from feeling bad, though.”

The silence between us returns. There is plenty of sound and noise in the kitchen as Kate and Rachel finish dinner. “I want to ask you something,” Chloe whispers, “and I want you to feel safe and comfortable. If you’d rather not answer, that’s ok.”

Hers words hang in the air. _Am I supposed to say something? What does she want to ask me?_

“What were you doing with that knife?”

A shiver runs through me at her question. “W-what do you mean?”

“I looked over and you were holding the knife against your right wrist. Like it was the next vegetable to cut.”

“I…” The memory crashes into me. Not the recent event in the kitchen, which I don’t remember, but one of the nights in that other place when I cut myself. Victoria had saved me then, and it seems Chloe had saved me now.

With a hard swallow, I try to banish that memory, but it lingers. The tingle or burn doesn’t appear in my wrist, but it appears in my mind, in my face. She wants to know. But I don’t want to tell her, can’t tell her!

A weight presses upon me, intent on trapping those thoughts and burying them.

_But you talked about them with Vic, when you were married._

But that was another time, another place, another Max. None of which are here and now. 

“Like I said,” she whispers and I’m suddenly aware of her. The scents of her workshop and cigarette smoke swirl around me and pull me into her world. The weight of her arm around my shoulders, the way we fit together, both are a comfort and bulwark against the desires inside of me. “You don’t have to tell me.”

“N-no,” I force myself to say and my voice is crackly and strained. “You… I… one of the Max’s… she would…” The words want to come, but they don’t and I’m left scrabbling at fragments in an attempt to make sense. I close my eyes, take a breath, and focus on Chloe’s fingers on mine. Slowly, I let the breath escape in a soft hiss.

“She blamed herself for your death,” I say when I’m able to continue. “Her power disappeared after you died and her… blame focused itself on her right hand. It was the one she’d hold up when using her rewind. Her need… my need comes back sometimes when I’m overwhelmed or feel like my life is out of control.”

Chloe doesn’t say anything for a time, with words at least. Her head tilts to lean against mine. The warmth she exudes with her presence and silence comforts me as we listen to Kate and Rachel chat in the kitchen. She continues to caress my hand.

“It… can feel right and good in the moment,” she whispers. “I’m a little familiar with the feelings and need to control something. And… doing those kinds of things. Thanks for sharing that with me.”

“Did anyone else see?” The thought others might have seen this part of me pains me.

“No. Both Kate and Rachel were busy cooking. I saw because I stood next you. I’m kinda glad I did.”

_So am I._

“Chloe,” I whisper, “the things that happened to me in those other… realities, the other Max’s… they’re all a part of me. It’s like… I’m millions of Maxes. All their memories and experiences and feelings and behaviors are now me. I… The other Max, she’d have that… need when her life seemed out of control, when her decisions appeared to blow up in her face. Like… I felt during Rachel’s story.”

“That,” she slowly says after a moment, “took a lot to tell me. Thank you.”

“It wasn’t the first time since my return that I’ve tried to hurt myself,” I say. A sudden desire to look away, to push myself from her arms, fills me. It’s all I can do to not give in. The most I do is squirm in her arms, turning slightly away.

“I’ve seen you claw at your wrist a few times,” She whispers. “I never connected the dots. I’ll try to watch more for that.”

“No! Please don’t,” I beg. “It’s not your burden.”

“No, it’s not. You are my friend. I care about you. I choose to help you.”

I bite back the words that want to form, that want to burst into the world. Instead, I make myself press closer to her. I slip my arm around her and clasp my hands together. “Thank you,” I make myself say. I am thankful, but I also feel like a burden.

“What say we join the others for dinner,” I whisper after a while.

“Is that what you want?”

I nod. “Yes… I’m done talking for now.”

“Ok.”

We rise from the couch and adjust our clothes before wandering into the kitchen. “Oh good,” Kate says, “dinner is ready!”

“I’ll go tell Lynn,” says Chloe who then disappears.

The dinner atmosphere is both relaxed and tense. Rachel no longer hides the way she studies me. I try to ignore it, but it makes me uncomfortable.

The food is delightful and I make certain to express that to the others. The table is too small for us, so we wander into the living room. Even that is too small, which leaves the floor for Lynn. She doesn’t seem to mind, other than to make a joke about being the youngest and getting the last bits of things. That’s not entirely true because she got her food first.

The conversation is disjointed, with Kate and Chloe doing most of the talking. Chloe fills Rachel in on what she missed while gone.

_While stuck in a shallow grave more like it._

The thought sticks in my mind and won’t go away. No matter my efforts, I can’t rid my mind of a five year old memory. Nor of the recent nightmare before my return.

My plate is nearly empty, with only a bit or two of garlic bread left. “What’s the plan,” I say during a lull in conversation.

“What do you mean,” Kate asks.

I carefully set my plate and utensils on a side table. After another wipe of my mouth, I set my napkin on the plate. “Rachel is back.” I turn my eyes on Lynn as I speak. “I’ve done that part. What’s next?”

Lynn shrugs and looks at me. “I don’t know. Why not ask Rachel?”

I look at her a moment blankly. “What do you mean?”

“All the visions I had were about getting you back here and bringing back Rachel. That’s it. When I’ve tried to see beyond that… there’s nothing.”

“Well that’s fucking inconvenient,” Chloe mutters. She hurriedly adds, “that’s not directed at you, Lynn.” But she doesn’t say more.

“We need to stop Jeffershit and his allies,” Rachel says.

“Sure, but how,” Chloe asks.

“We need to get Max to Arcadia Bay. I can block Jeffershit’s power, but only she can stop him.”

“How?” The word seems to echo through the room and I almost regret I asked it since it seems to silence the conversation.

Rachel stirs on her chair and sets her plate aside. Without looking at me, she says, “There’s… something special about Arcadia Bay. It draws certain people.” Her eyes flick to me and away.

My breath quickens as more memories flood in. I know too well what she means.

“He’s… searching for what makes the town special. If he finds it, he’ll unlock his powers and it will be nearly impossible to stop him.”

“What will he do,” Kate asks. There’s a slight tremor to her voice.

“From what I saw in my original vision,” answers Rachel, “he’s able to open pathways between worlds. That’s how those things get here. Right now it’s very difficult for him to open them, which is why the planet isn’t overrun. Today set him back, but I don’t know for how long.”

“Why the fuck does he want to do that!” Chloe explodes.

Rachel shrugs. “I don’t know.”

I squirm at the suggestion I’m important and that I am the one to stop him. The last thing I want to do is give more power to… Her.

“I don’t want to go back,” I say. “Not right now. Please don’t make me. I’m barely here as it is. If I go back…” I can’t voice my fears in the group. Maybe alone with Chloe or Kate, but not with Rachel present.

“The longer we wait,” Rachel begins, but Chloe cuts her off.

“No,” She says kindly, yet firm. “If Max says she can’t go back, then we don’t push her. I will not lose her again!”

A hint of a smile plays around Rachel’s eyes. “Ok,” she says. “We wait. We can’t wait too long though. Once he regains strength, he’ll come for us. And I’m not very helpful this far from Arcadia Bay.”

“You aren’t,” Lynn asks, surprised.

“My power is centered in Arcadia Bay. I weaken as I get further from it.”

“Huh.” Lynn looks impressed by that information. “So you’re like… a guardian?”

With a shrug, Rachel says, “Sure.”

I look at the others quickly before saying, “With that settled, I’d like to go to bed. This day has drained me.”

At my words, Kate rises and begins collecting plates. As one, we all rise and help her. Soon, a collection of plates, pots, and pans are stacked next to the sink. Kate turns on the water and I begin scraping scraps into the trash. The others help clean the kitchen and living room.

“Would it be ok,” I whisper to Kate, “if…” I stop, the words stuck in my throat. She looks at me expectantly, soap suds on her hands. With a hard gulp I force myself to continue. It seems like someone else speaks when I say, “if I slept in your room tonight.”

The light that fills her eyes and face push the hesitation and uncertainty far from me. She leans close and whispers, “yes.”

That simple word clears my mind and fills it with a light and fuzzy sensation. Together we wash the dishes, talking, laughing, as if we don’t have a care in the world.

Beyond that euphoric world is a pair of eyes that glares at me. They slowly sap the euphoria, ruining the edges. She doesn’t completely take it away, but her presence makes herself known.

Our task is done before I know it and then I’m bidding the others a good night. I find my bag of clothes next to the door. How they got there I don’t recall. I bounce down the hall to their room. Kate is in Lynn’s room and I wave as I go past.

A song comes to me and I hum as I prepare for bed. It stays with me as I brush my teeth and Kate enters the bathroom. She leans against the doorframe a moment, watching me brush. Before I can say anything, she disappears. A quick glance into the bedroom reveals she’s getting her pajamas from under her pillow. She sits on the bed, apparently waiting for me to be done.

I clear out my mouth and put my toothbrush away. “Rachel’s taking your place on the couch,” Kate says when I exit.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Lynn offered her room, but she declined.”

I think about that while I walk to the bed and pull back the covers. “Lynn is very generous to do that,” I say. “She doesn’t even know Rachel. Oh! I need a pillow.”

“Whoops,” Kate says. She rises and opens the closet. “We might have an extra one here.” She pokes around the interior and soon withdraws her hand clutching a nice, fluffy pillow. With a quick motion, she tosses it on the bed. Then, she kneels and retrieves another item. “Here’s a clean pillow case for it.

“Thank you.” I take the pillow case and she goes into the bathroom.

Right before she closes the door, she says, “Pick any side of the bed you want, Max.” Then the door closes and I’m left looking at the bed. It suddenly seems too small and I wonder how we’ll fit. A memory of three of us in a similarly sized motel bed blooms in my mind. With a small smile, I put the case on the pillow and crawl into the middle of the bed.

I’m snugged under the sheet and blanket when she exits. A moment later darkness claims the room as she turns off the light. The bed moves and a warm body lays close to me. I’m on my back, one arm under my head. The scent of sunshine and happiness wafts over me.

An ache settles deep in my heart. Though I’m close to her, touching her, I’m far away and I don’t like it. “Can I aks you something?” My voice is a fragile thing, prone to be broken by the slightest motion of the air.

The bed shifts and her breath caresses my cheek, my neck. “Sure.” Her voice is calm, soothing and I let its melodies adjust my thoughts.

“Would you mind if… I hold you?”

There is a silence that lasts an age untold. Panic seeps into me as I fear I’ve asked for something I don’t deserve, that I crossed a line. The age is but a moment though, as she says, “I wouldn’t mind.” Her words smooth the panic into a heady energy as I turn onto my side.

Her eyes are inches from mine. A light touch trails down my arm, from my shoulder to my fingers. Without thought, my fingers are caressing her cheek, tracing her jaw up to her hair.

This seems right.

With so much chaos and confusion and uncertainty that my life has been these past few days, no! Past few years. This moment with Kate seems right. My fingers tremble as they touch her, but she doesn’t say anything.

The sheet and blanket shift as she wiggles close to me. I expected her to turn on her side with her back to me, not this! A sigh escapes her as she rests against me, and she leans her head forward. Soft warmth brushes my lips once, then twice. Then she scoots down and snuggles against me. A hand rests lightly on my hip, one finger moving back and forth. The touch of her hand, her finger, starts a burning sensation that spreads quickly through me.

“This is how we used to lay. I… I’ve missed it.” Her soft voice is clipped, like saying the words is difficult.

I wonder how she can lay so calmly with my heart pounding so wildly. I lick my lips and my tongue comes away with a hint of mint. Her forehead touches the exposed skin just above the neck of my shirt, which flutters slightly with each of her breaths.

Slowly, my hand moves to her hip. It seems like she melts into me, her body so soft and relaxed against mine. Yet, there is a tremble in her that catches her breath and shakes the hand on my hip.

“What is it,” I breath. _Is this too much? Am I too forward? What did I do wrong? _The soft shh of her breath is replaced by the pounding of my heart as my mind fills with questions and doubts.

“I…” She tries to speak but the words stop. She’s so close I can feel her mouth opening and closing as she strives to summon words.

I move away, not far, just enough to see her face. In the bit of light that peeks past the curtain, I see a glitter on her cheek. Slowly, I move my hand to touch it. Warm dampness greets my fingertips. Carefully, I wipe the tears away while I struggle to find the right question to ask or words to say.

Fingers take mine and move my hand. Lips press against them, kissing the tears from them. Then she moves my hand to her chest, right above her heart, and holds it there.

I’m frozen with fear and doubt and expectation. _What am I supposed to do? What does she want me to do?_

We lay there, my hand clutched to her. She trembles more, a constant shake that goes down to her toes.

_Maybe she needs the same thing I need when I’m falling apart?_

Cautiously, I slip my hand from hers and move it to her back. I pull her toward me, while sliding my other arm under her. Quiet sobs come from her then, muffled by my shirt and body. Within seconds, my shirt is wet. I stroke her back, her hair, and kiss her head. It’s all I can think to do.

And Kate cries. Her fingers grip my shirt and hold me tightly to her. She cries into my chest, her sobs no longer quiet, but great, powerful bursts that sound into me. And through it, I hold her; the comforting presence, despite the hollowness that fills me.

Part of me wants to deny that I can mean this much to her. Echoes of nightmares and torments from other realities sound in my mind. Even in this world I know I took her family from her. I don’t deserve to be the one to comfort her.

But reality doesn’t care about those thoughts. The way she clings to me. The way she held me earlier. A shudder passes through me as my heart swells with affection. Right now, I am her world and she is mine.

I keep my hold on her, warm and comforting, even when the sobs trail into silence. My caresses continue long after her trembling subsides. And she keeps her tight grip on me. We lay quietly; my arms are her sanctuary. “I didn’t know how much I missed this,” she whispers brokenly. “When you said you would join us in our bed tonight, I was so happy and scared. Then, when you took the middle, your favorite place, that made it worse. And then… you asked to hold me… I couldn’t believe it.”

_Scared?_

“What scared you?”

“It’s been five years. You’re different. I’m different. You’re so… confident and independent with all these powers and experiences. The first night when you declined resuming our relationship, I understood, though it hurt. That was when I knew that I still loved you. Tonight, you asked to get together again and it was so amazing to hear that! But it also scared me. Was I reading all this wrong? Was it going too fast? Would it fall part? That maybe I was trying too hard and would push you away.”

She lifts her head as she speaks. Faint light catches her eyes and sparkles. “I may be our strength during the day,” she whispers, “but you were always my strength during the night. In your arms I found safety and love and warmth and solace and all the things I need to rejuvenate my heart. In our most stressful days, you were there for me.

“When you took me in your arms just now and I felt those things again… things I was scared were gone forever… it helped me realize just how much I missed you, how much you mean to me. And I wondered… if I mean as much to you.”

Her words take my breath away. And the air from the room, because when I try to breathe, nothing is there!

Then she does something completely unexpected!

Warm breath caresses my cheek. A soft warmth brushes my lips. “Is this ok,” she whispers and I can barely hear the words over my heart beat.

“Yes,” I squeak.

Lips press against mine, soft and slow. They linger, spreading their peculiar warmth through me. Fingers tangle in my hair, press against my head. Other fingers grip my hip, holding me close.

As if I would pull away.

As if I’d want to pull away.

When we part, I’m still breathless, panting, and warm in the most delightful way. But she isn’t. She breathes lightly, her warm breath rushing over me. “You’re the first person I’ve ever kissed like that,” she says.

“I thought you and Chloe,” I manage to wheeze, but she interrupts.

“No. That’s not how we are. We love each other. We cuddle and hug, maybe a few light kisses. You and I? We were different. Not quite like you and Chloe. I don’t know how to describe it. Sweeter? Softer? I don’t know. What we just did… I haven’t wanted to do anything like that with anyone. Until… tonight.”

“The kiss was amazing,” I whisper and snuggle even closer to her. Her minty freshness lingers with me; a taste I savor.

She stiffens slightly at my snuggle, then relaxes. “Is it ok, if that’s all we do? At least for now?” Her passion of a moment ago is replaced by uncertainty, fear even. Her arms shake a little.

“Kate,” I say slowly, “it’s perfectly ok. You mean a lot to me.” I hesitate a moment. “Those… episodes I have where I fall apart? Where I’m no longer here? You and Chloe are what bring me back. Your touch, but even more so, my… feelings for you. I lived a life without you and I didn’t like it. I was scared when I came back, scared of a lot of things. I hurt you in ways no one ever should and I’m sorry. So sorry. And so I didn’t want to accept that you were taking me back. I was… am scared of hurting you again. I don’t want to, but with the way my life is… with my power unstable… I may not be able to control it.”

“I can accept that, Max,” she breathes and her lips brush mine again. “We’ll take one day at a time. I’m here for you. And I accept your apology.” Her fingers weave through my hair, a sensuous touch I adore.

“Now,” she whispers against my lips. “Tell me again what I mean to you.” Lips touch my nose, then my mouth. Not in the passion from before, more chaste and discrete. Heat lingers wherever she touches.

“You,” I say and trace my fingers through her hair. “Are my angel. A beacon who guides me through chaos so I can return home. You are why I am here.”

That causes her to make soft, happy sounds and she wiggles against my body. A warmth, pleasant and welcome, spreads from my core at her nearness. Her scent is heady and sends amazing little jolts through me. With her head tucked against my chest, I wrap my arms around her. “You’re my angel,” I whisper again.

“And you’re mine.”

The door opens then, spilling a shaft of light across us. Kate is below the covers though, and only my head is exposed. I lift my head to peer at Chloe who stands in the doorway. With the bright light behind her, I can’t see her well at all.

“Looks like I’m late to the party,” she whispers as she closes the door with a click.

“There’s room for one more,” Kate’s muffled voice calls out.

Chloe snorts and says, “There better be! I’m not sleeping on the floor.” There’s a smile in her voice that comforts me as I lower my head to the pillow. My shirt is still a little damp, but right now I don’t want to leave this special place with Kate. She coos and wiggles against me.

While Chloe prepares herself in the bathroom, my hand moves to Kate’s lower back. There, I begin to trace small patterns. A contented sound comes from her. That encourages me to keep going. “Is it ok if I kiss your head,” I whisper.

“Mhmm,” she murmurs.

I lower my face into her hair and am quickly lost in the scents. My lips lightly kiss her, tracing little lines through her hair.

The sheet and blanket lift behind me, letting in a cool draft. I jerk a little. “Hey,” I say. But a moment later, the covers descend and there is a new heat source behind me. The coolness dissipates.

“How are you ladies doing,” Chloe whispers.

“Mmm,” Kate purrs. “I’ve missed this so much. Max is making me so sleepy.”

A desire creeps through me now that Chloe has joined us. The comfort Kate expressed spurs that desire and transforms it, strengthens it. It pushes at my mind until I speak. But I don’t give in.

“Before I… left,” I whisper. “Did we have good moments together? As a… trio?”

_Is that the right word for what we were? Are?_

“Yes,” Kate whispers.

At the same time, Chloe says, “I’m tempted to make a joke about a threesome right now.” There’s a smile in her voice mixed with another emotion. Her arm is pressed against my back.

“Bed was our safe zone,” she continues. “We had our arguments and spats and bad days. But in bed? It was the one place we didn’t let those things in. Some nights we spent hours talking while we lay together. No judgement. No fear. Only friendship. And we had good times outside of bed, too.”

While Chloe speaks, Kate wiggles in my arms and moves up so we face each other. “Life was stressful,” Kate whispers. “Grief. Your powers. Lynn. It was hard for all of us, but we made it work. Together. We had plenty of good times together, both as couples and as a trio. When you and Chloe needed privacy, I made sure you had that alone time. We made sure we had time for each other, alone and together.”

Fingers slide along my hip and thigh. When she speaks about Chloe and I needing privacy, her fingertips graze the skin above my waistband. They go no further, returning to my hip. The touch rejuvenates those little sparks of energy which rush to my core and warm me. I again taste and breathe her and my lips remember her warmth. “Sometime,” she breathes, but says nothing further.

After a moment, I whisper, “That’s… like the other place I lived, where Max lost her memories. It’s so strange to me how many similarities there are between that place and here.” After a brief pause, I add, “It sounds like we had a happy relationship. Were each of you getting what you wanted or needed from it?”

“Yes,” Chloe says. Kate adds her own. Their affirmation brings satisfaction and relief.

I squirm a little before I say, “I’d like to have that again, if you’ll let me.” It’s an obvious request and I don’t like making it, but I can’t move forward without it.

“One day at a time,” Kate whispers.

“Hell yeah,” Chloe enthusiastically whispers.

There is a rightness that fills the air at their responses. I want to stay in this moment forever, but it lacks something. It comes to me in that moment.

“Chloe?” I can’t keep the uncertainty from my voice.

“Yeah?”

“Would you mind holding me?”

And she does exactly what I hoped, what I wanted. A warm body presses against my back and legs tuck into mine. Kate returns to her former spot, arms around me. Chloe’s arm goes over both of us. Warm breath washes down my neck causing the little hairs to rise. A shiver runs through me, which is immediately followed by my own sound of contentment.

_Am I in the right reality?_

_Are these ‘my’ Kate and Chloe?_

In that moment as my heart swells with good things, I realize those questions don’t matter.

I’m in the right place.


	29. Kate and Max

We awaken in a pleasant tangle of arms and legs. Kate is tucked under my chin, in the same place she fell asleep. I’m twisted, laying on my back and side. Pillows behind me make it a little comfortable. The right side of the bed is cold and empty as my hand sweeps across the sheet.

“Chloe left quite a while ago,” Kate whispers. I look over to see she’s propped her head on my shoulder. A finger sneaks up and taps the end of my nose. “Boop,” she says and giggles. Her hand slides down to rest on my belly. It’s warm and comforting through my pajama shirt.

“What do you want to do today,” I whisper.

“Well, Chloe had you all to herself for most of two days,” she says. As she speaks she tilts her body to be partially on mine. She slides her hand from my belly up to my hair which she begins to play with. “I’d like to spend some time with you. A Kate and Max day.”

“That sounds wonderful,” I breathe as I wrap my arms around her. She seems to take that as an invitation to move fully on top of me. She moves up as she does so we’re eye to eye. She gives the tip of my nose a quick kiss. Her fingers play with my hair.

“It does,” she purrs. She lays her head next to mine on the pillow and kisses my ear. “I… hope this is ok.”

“It is,” I say after a few seconds. Warmth suffuses me, from both her body and our closeness. I let my arms relax so my hands rest on the small of her back. Her fingers in my hair feel so wonderful!

“Is it… ok to talk,” she hesitantly whispers. “Just for a little bit.”

Her fingers are so distracting as they twirl through my hair that I almost don’t answer. “Yes,” I say as my fingers begin to trace their own designs on her back.

“I was hurt when you left,” she whispers and I immediately stiffen. “Chloe is a great help. Without her we wouldn’t have a place this nice. She’s an excellent big sister for Lynn, which I couldn’t be anymore. I love her dearly and she loves me.

“You though, you are my strength, like I said last night. When you left, life seemed so empty. A Max-shaped hole in our life that nearly tore us apart. I became the emotional support for the family and… it almost broke me.”

The twirling stops and her fingers rest against my head. I turn my head to face her. Her eyes are squeezed shut. I bring a hand up to brush at her hair. It’s shorter than it was five years ago. The length was likely lost to a busy life. “I’m so sorry about that. Tell me about nearly breaking,” I whisper as I smooth the hair from her face.

“I felt alone, trapped, with no escape in sight.” Her voice trembles, causing the words to bounce around. “There was only so much Chloe could do for me. Only so much I could do for myself. At 18 I wasn’t ready to be a parent, to be abandoned by my… friend. My faith… congregation that is, turned their back on me. It was a struggle to admit to myself who I am. It was like I abandoned everything I knew and valued!

“You helped talk me through a lot of that struggle in the early days. Then you were gone. Chloe tried, she really did. But she wasn’t you!” She opens her eyes to gaze into mine. “It was overwhelming and I kept asking what I did wrong. I blamed myself for your leaving. That I was too needy, too demanding with my struggles and not helping you enough.”

Her fingers move again, tracing down to rest on my cheek. “It took a while for me to see things differently. Probably six months after you left, I realized that with all my focus on myself and Chloe, I hadn’t considered reasons you might leave. I guessed where you might go and convinced Chloe to drive us there. But it was too late. The town was already closed off. We stood at the fence, looking toward the town we couldn’t see and I began to let go of my hurt. But… I never let go of the pain of heart I felt for you.

“I’m sorry, Max. Sorry I didn’t see the struggles you faced and the help you needed. I feel like I drove you away with always taking, taking, taking, and never giving. You hurt just as much as me, and… I didn’t see that. Will you forgive me?”

A tightness seizes my throat and it’s hard to see. The silkiness of her hair draws my attention. My fingers glide along and through her hair. They touch the top of her ear, soft and warm, and follow its shape around and down. A faint scent of honey wafts my way. I’m aware of her in a way I think I never have been. Her body atop mine is warm, firm and soft. Through the haze of my vision I see her eyes, two of them, wide and hopeful.

The tightness and shortness of breath eventually passes and I can see clearly. “I do,” I say throatily. “You… didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Thank you,” she whispers. “I think I did and… I want to support you in your struggles like you did for me. Because… because you deserve that support. And…”

Her eyes suddenly flick rapidly back and forth and around. The fingers on my cheek tremble. She moves her head closer so our noses almost touch. “I’m wondering…”

The fingers lift from my cheek, to slide down my neck and along my side. “I’d like…” Her words stop again, but her hand doesn’t. It slides to my hip where it lingers for a moment before returning upward. Fingers slip into my hair, a gentle tremor to them. “I’d like to kiss again, like last night,” she finally whispers.

This time, I’m the one that closes the gap. “I’d like that,” I breath as our lips come together. Like last night, her fingers tangle in my hair, holding me close. Her body slides fully onto mine as we kiss. My fingers resume their dance along her back as she wiggles on top of me.

There is a softness to her passion that is uniquely hers. Her touch is gentle yet alive with fire. She’s careful with what she does, her touches, the way she moves. Low sounds, like brief sighs, come from her. She breaks the kiss, leaving me wanting more. Her mouth kisses its way across my jaw and down my neck. I do my best to copy her, but the angle makes it hard.

Suddenly, all the passion and fire in her leaves and her body becomes limp atop mine. Her fingers curl in my hair, no longer gentle and soothing. She’s silent, breathing heavily on top of me. “I-I’m sorry, Max,” comes a strangled whisper.

“What do you mean?” Heat flashes through me and my hands itch to do more than touch her back.

“I…” She rolls off me with a groan and hides her head under a pillow.

I pant into the empty air above as I try to figure out what happened. The heat rushing through me is so heady and strong, but no longer has an outlet. Cautiously, I turn onto my side and touch her arm. “Are you ok,” I whisper.

“No, I’m not.” The pillow muffles her voice but I swear she shouted that.

Slowly, I move my hand to between her shoulders and rub gently. “I’m here to listen if you want to talk. Or to just sit here with you if that’s what you need.”

She doesn’t answer, but neither does she move away. We lay there, me rubbing her back gently, and she with her head buried under the pillow. After some minutes, she lifts the pillow and turns away from me. “I’m sorry,” she says in a lifeless voice and slips off the bed.

I situp and watch her walk to her dresser, shoulders slumped and legs slow. “When you’re ready to talk,” I say. “I’m here.” She doesn’t acknowledge my words as she pulls clothes from the dresser and goes to the bathroom. She keeps her face turned from me the entire time.

When the bathroom door clicks shut, I fall to my back and stare at the ceiling.

_Poor Kate. What happened._

The memory of her lips on mine, on my shoulders, flares to life as I think about the moment, what she was doing, and how she changed.

_Did I do something wrong? Did she want me to do something and I didn’t do it? Or did I move too fast?_

It’s a mystery and saddens me. Whatever happened really has Kate down. The things she said to me earlier replay through my mind, but I don’t see any connection.

Beyond the wall, I hear the shower running. I roll over and check my phone.

8 AM.

_Chloe and Lynn are gone. Wonder what Rachel’s doing._

Those thoughts are more of a distraction though. Cold eyes gaze at me from the edge of reality, forcefully reminding me that my life is not normal. And I still doubt that I’ve really explained myself to Kate and Chloe. I flip onto my back and press the heels of my hands against my eyes.

_What can I do to help them understand? Why do I keep feeling this way? How can I help Kate?_

A memory comes to me of being scared, alone, and in a strange place. Forgetful Max when she was taken to the mountain cabin. Chloe gave her notebooks and pens to journal with.

_I haven’t journaled since then._

I sit up and scan the room, but nothing that looks like a notebook is visible. The dressers might hide some, but I lack the courage to look through their clothes.

_What about the bedside tables?_

That, I can do. A smile plays around my lips as I recall snooping in Chloe’s house when she and I reconnected. In Kate’s table I find a stack of notebooks. The top one is blank and I grab it and a pen from the table top. Upon opening it to the first page, I uncap the pen and begin to write.

I don’t write very much, only a page or two. The muffled shower provides nice background noise. After capturing those thoughts, I slip from the warm coziness of the bed into the cool morning air. Quickly, I change into clean clothes and I set my dirty ones on a bag. The hamper is in the restroom and I don’t want to go in there while Kate is showering.

With a last lingering look at the bathroom door, I reluctantly grab the notebook and leave. When I shut the bedroom door it’s like I’m leaving a part of myself behind. I stand a moment, hand on the door. My heart is with Kate, and I wish I was with her in person, where I could help her. But she needs her alone time right now.

I sigh, turn around, and go to the living room. Like last night, I find Rachel seated on the couch with her phone in hand. She greets me as I wander past.

“There’s a pot of coffee waiting,” she says as I turn toward the kitchen.

I make myself a cup, then go to the living room. There, I seat myself far from Rachel. Through the window I see the gray of an overcast morning. I take a sip of coffee and enjoy the warmth it gives me. I set the cup on a little table then pull out my pen and resume writing.

We sit that way for a while, the scratch of my pen the only sound. Soon I’ve written many more pages and drained my coffee. Kate hasn’t appeared and I’m beginning to worry.

“Max.” Rachel draws out my name. I look over to see she’s placed her phone at her side. She faces me now, but her eyes won’t stay focused on me. They dart to mine, to her hands, and back. “I… I’m sorry about last night.”

I wave my hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it. You didn’t know that would happen.”

“Yes, I did.”

Her admission stuns me and the pen falls from my fingers to my lap.

“I’m… not proud of myself.” Now her eyes stay firmly fixed on her hands. She spreads the fingers as she speaks. “I… wanted to hurt you because… because you hurt Chloe and…” She shifts on the couch, drawing one knee up to prop her chin on. “… Because I’m jealous of you.”

“Jealous?” The word is a foul surprise on my tongue.

“You knew her before me,” she says. “You were never far from her mind and heart when we were together. I always felt like I competed with your memory. Then… I got my vision of the future and I saw you return to her life. It angered me to see you, because your silence hurt her when she needed a friend the most. Then, the vision showed me that to save Chloe, I wouldn’t be with her, couldn’t be with her, but you would.”

She pauses to stare out the window. I don’t know what to say. I play with the pen, rubbing my thumbnail along its grip. When that doesn’t help, I turn to a blank page and begin to doodle.

_Rachel… jealous of me? But she’s… so beautiful and sure of herself. She knows what she wants in life and goes for it. She’s not a fuckup like me! She was there for Chloe when I wasn’t…_

“I know a little of the burden you bear, your guilt and fears,” she whispers. “I used that knowledge to tell my story in a way to hurt you. It was fucking shallow of me and I’m sorry. I treated you like shit. Even though I knew you didn’t deserve it… I did it anyway.”

With both feet now on the ground, she leans forward on her elbows. Her hands clasp in front of her as she stares at the floor. “Don’t forgive me,” she says. “Once we finish the job, I’ll leave. There’s no sense in me sticking around and fucking up what you have with Kate and Chloe.”

I swallow hard as those words invade my mind and become real. “Y-You were jealous of me,” I finally gasp. She nods her head. I open my mouth to pursue that but something stops me.

_Think about what she’s saying, Max!_

I take a breath and hold it. The pressure inside builds but is focused in my chest. When it seems like my chest will explode, I slowly let the air escape. The exercise lets me imagine the anxiety flowing from my body much like the breath.

“You and I were given shit choices, Rachel,” I whisper. “We’ve tried our best with what we have, even if we don’t believe that.”

She shakes her head. “No, Max. I wanted to hurt you last night. Wanted to hurt you ever since I returned and… I’m conflicted about it because at the same time I know some of the shit you’ve faced and you don’t deserve it. I’m… kind of fucked up.”

“That’s why you kept apologizing, isn’t it?”

She nods without a word.

“You’re not the only one fucked,” I say in an attempt to reassure her. “You, me, Lynn, those of us with these powers? We’re all fucked in a way.”

“What’s the matter with Lynn?”

“You’ll have to ask her.” _Shit, I thought some of that was public._

“The point is, whatever gives us these powers puts us in situations where we’re damned if we do, and damned if we don’t. We try our best with what we have.” I look at my hands. They lay on my knees, tracing the seams. “Even if we don’t believe that of ourselves.”

After a moment, I add, “And there is one thing that we have in common. We both chose a path that allows Chloe to live. I… don’t know if we can be friends after what you just said. But I will agree that we both care for Chloe and tried to do our best for her.”

She nods a little, head still down and looking at the floor. “That… seems fair about being friends,” she whispers.

A door closes and footsteps sound in the hall. I sit up and turn as Kate enters the room. “Well, ladies,” she announces happily, “have you had breakfast yet?”

“Yeah, I ate with Chloe and Lynn,” Rachel says as she sits up.

“Only coffee for me,” I reply.

“Would you like some eggs or other food for breakfast?”

“No eggs, please.” I grab my coffee cup and stand. “Do you have oatmeal or something more… vegan?”

She looks at me and taps her chin with a finger. “Yes,” she says, “we do have some oatmeal. We need to go shopping and buy more food for us. With two more people in the house, we’ll go through our food quickly.”

“Oh you-“ I cut myself off and follow her. She opens her mouth and I shake my head. “It was nothing.”

In the kitchen, I rinse out my coffee cup then pour myself a fresh one. After that, I help her prepare our breakfast. She joins me in having oatmeal. While she brings the water to a boil, I find fruit in the fridge that I wash and slice.

“Today,” she says as she seats herself across from me at the table, “I have a few errands to run. You are welcome to join me. You too, Rachel.” The last she says loudly since Rachel is still on the couch in the front room.

“Maybe,” replies Rachel.

“I need to talk to my boss to find out if I still have a job,” Kate continues. “And a couple of my coworkers are in the hospital from the attack. I want to go see them.”

I stir a little cinnamon and sugar into my oatmeal while she speaks. “This is so good,” I gush after my first bite. She can’t contain the smile my words spark and I spy a little pink hue in her cheeks. “Yes, I’d like to join you on your errands.”

“Good, because there is a place I’d like to take you.”

“Where?”

She gives me the sweetest smile instead of answering. We continue our meal chatting about the day. I use the opportunity to watch her. I want to know her better. Five years away and living other lives is like a chasm between us that I want to fill. I study her mannerisms, the way she moves her hands and body and the expressions she makes. If she notices, she doesn’t say anything.

We finish the meal then clean up the kitchen. “If you don’t mind,” Rachel says, “I’ll stay behind. I need to take care of things, like call my mom. I’ve put it off long enough.” Her eyes flick to me, then quickly away. A sour expression twists her mouth.

“Will you be ok,” Kate asks. Worry laces her voice and I agree with Kate. Even though Rachel’s admission lowered my opinion of her, the way she looks isn’t good.

“I will. Thanks for asking,” replies Rachel.

“Well, let me find you an extra key,” Kate says and disappears toward the back of the house.

Rachel eyes me sidelong. “How much time do you need,” she whispers.

“What?”

“How much time do you need before you can do what needs done in Arcadia Bay.”

I look away. One hand comes up to grab the other elbow. “I… don’t know. A few days?”

“We may not have that.” I can tell she’s trying to be nice, but that knowledge doesn’t stop a knot forming in my stomach.

“Here you go,” announces Kate as she returns. A shiny key is held between two fingers. Rachel accepts the key with a smile. She gives me a stern look when Kate turns and I resist an urge to do something, like stick my tongue out at Rachel.

Kate and I clean up, and I grab my messenger back to hold my journal and other items. Then we grab our coats and head out of the house. “Chloe took the bus to work today,” Kate says as we hurry through the cold air. “So we’ll have the car.” The car sits at the curb waiting for us, windows lightly frosted.

_It will be cold in there, but no wind._

Moments later, she has the car started and the fan on maximum. She quickly scrapes the ice from the windows while I angle the vents so the cold air doesn’t hit me. Kate knocks the frost from the scraper, puts it away and hops into the car. We drive away from the house and into the city. She leaves the radio off so only the sounds of driving and our occasional chatter breaks the silence.

The heat comes on several minutes later and I reposition the vents to blow on me. The heat is so good! Kate lowers the fan to a reasonable speed while I hold my cold hands in front of the vents.

Life around us is normal for everyone. Kate tells me that the attack on her workplace made the news, but the report did not include the VoidHounds. Authorities blamed a gas leak for causing an explosion that destroyed her office. Several people were injured, not just her co-workers.

_They wouldn’t be hurt if you hadn’t used your power._

Through the fabric of reality, I see a smile. It’s cold and fills me with dread.

_Leave me alone!_

Other cars and pedestrians keep my mind occupied and away from Her as we navigate the city. I watch people walk to their destinations, bundled in coats and scarves against the cold. “Is it me,” I ask, “or does it seem colder than usual this year?”

“It is colder,” Kate agrees as she turns left. “The high today will be 31F. Last year we were in the fifties by mid-morning.”

“Odd.” I lapse into silence as we drive along a street with office buildings both old and new. She parks us along a side street and we exit the car. I’m sad to enter the cold air and wrap my coat tight around me.

_A hat. I need a hat._

As if reading my mind, Kate says, “We need to find you a hat. You look cold.”

We hurry across the street to where she works. Worked. Police tape prevents us from getting too close. We circle around to the back, where the wall is still broken. Inside the store we see movement. Kate calls out a name and presently a man steps through the broken wall.

Tall with a pleasant smile, he calls Kate’s name as he walks toward us. Worry pulls at his face though, dimming his eyes and smile. “I’m glad you’re ok,” he says.

“Me too,” she replies. “It’s a shame about Shandra and Phil. I’m going to visit them next.”

“I think they’d like that.”

I wander off while they talk work stuff. The hole in the wall pulls at me. I can’t avoid it. Much like I can’t avoid the constant pull and push of the fragmented memories of untold numbers of realities I lived in.

_I caused that._

** _You’ll cause more than that and they’ll be thankful._ **

The ghostly image of a VoidHound steps from the hole. At first I take a step backwards. Then I realize it’s another one of those time tricks that started yesterday. With a grimace, I turn and study the area. Behind me, the hole burns an itch between my shoulders.

When Kate finds me later, I’m taking pictures of how the buildings intersect the area. I don’t like pictures of buildings. People, animals, and even nature are more to my liking. The activity keeps me occupied while she speaks though, and keeps my mind from its constant need to condemn me. And from Her.

“If you don’t mind,” Kate says as she steps to my side, “I want to stop at a store to buy cards and flowers to take to my co-workers that got hurt.”

“I don’t mind at all,” I say as I lower my camera. “How are you doing?”

Her smile fades a little at the question. Her eyes shift to her workplace and back. “I’m glad I wasn’t here when it happened,” she says. “At the same time I’m sad that people got hurt.” I nod at that. She looks down and away from me.

“Is there something else,” I gently ask.

With her face turned away, she whispers, “I’m a little mad that Lynn didn’t do anything to stop it, or to warn the others. She… let it happen. I feel guilty that I was kept safe and others weren’t.”

The words I spoke to Lynn last night come to mind. “But what if they no longer recognize you when you’ve done that?”

“I don’t condone what she did or why she did it,” I say as I push that memory away. “She did it to force me to return to Arcadia Bay and bring Rachel back. All this is part of whatever she and Rachel have seen.” I cautiously touch Kate’s arm.

“Please talk with her. Go somewhere together. I hate the way this sounds: you need to reconnect as sisters. She needs her big sister. Not a mom. Her Kate.”

She looks at me, her face a mask so unlike Kate. “Why do you hate that?”

“Because it sounds like I’m trying to tell you what to do and I don’t want to. It’s just… she’s trapped herself and needs help getting out.”

“Is this because she’s… like you… with a power?”

“It is,” I whisper and step close to her. “And more. It’s not my place to speak for her or to share her thoughts and feelings with you.”

The mask falls from her face at my words and she nods. “Thank you, Max. We spoke for a short time last night before I went to bed. It was a little tense and awkward, but I actually did what you suggested. Told her I was there as her sister. We talked and made a tentative plan to do something Saturday when she doesn’t have school.”

Her hand briefly squeezes mine and she leans in. My cheek near her floods with warmth as I wonder what she’s up to, then she says. “Thank you for caring so much. Now, I think it’s time for us to go.” I look into her shining eyes which pull all the words from my mind.

_I want to get lost in those eyes._

I blink and realize that I’m already lost in them. “And, we need to get you a hat.” She touches my hair, then turns and walks toward the front of the building. I hurry to walk at her side. “After we visit Shandra and Phil,” she says, “we can get a little lunch, then I’ll take you to a special place.”

“That sounds nice,” I reply as we round the corner. “I don’t have any money though.”

“Don’t worry about it.” We cross the street to the car which she unlocks.

“I will worry about it, though. I don’t like being a burden.”

She looks at me across the roof. “You are, and have never been, a burden, Max. You are my friend my… girlfriend.” A little pink rushes to her cheeks when she says that. “You don’t want to take advantage of our friendship and I appreciate that.” She ducks into the car and closes the door.

I follow more slowly. She starts the car once my seatbelt is on and we drive away.

Several minutes later, we’re parked in front of a small store. Kate disappears inside while I stay in the car. I study the building, a generic looking brick affair with a plain facade. There’s no one to watch so I soon pull my journal out and begin writing.

The pages fill quickly as thoughts flow seamlessly from my mind direct to the paper. Even with doodles here and there, I find myself in a tranquil state as I capture my life in written word. I near the end of the journal and pause to give my hand a rest. I shake my hand to loosen it and look up. The store front seems a little different.

_Weren’t the doors to the left of the car? Now they’re to the right._

I set my journal down and study the building more closely. The longer I look, the more differences I spot. When I look around, I can’t tell if anything else is different.

Kate suddenly steps from the wall and trots to the car! My heart nearly leaps from my chest when she appears! With white-knuckles, I watch her come to the car. It takes great effort, but I force my hands to open and drop my journal.

Kate opens the back door and plops a bag on the seat. When she opens her door, there’s a jarring shift that wrenches my stomach. Something rises inside of me and I scramble for the door handle.

The door opens just in time for my breakfast to splatter onto the parking lot. I nearly fall out of the car as my body heaves and rejects my meal.

On and on it goes. My weakened hands barely keep me in the car. There are sounds that resemble speech but my entire being is focused on staying out of my sickness as the pool spreads.

At last it’s done, and I push myself back into the car. Everything is achy and sweaty and gross. A hand touches mine and I can’t even move my head to look at Kate.

“-ok?” Kate’s voice rushes into my head like a clanging bell! Despite my aches, I clamp my hands over my ears with a groan.

Minutes pass and my existence is breathing and willing the sweat and aches to subside. My wish appears granted because they gradually fade and disappear.

Kate’s hand is on my shoulder, rubbing it lightly. I lower my hands and let out another groan.

“Do I need to take you to the doctor,” Kate gently asks.

I shake my head and groan again. At least the world doesn’t twist and turn like it’s done in the past.

“No,” I rasp. “Something…” I take a few deep breathes to relax and try again. “When you opened your door something lurched inside of me. Like a teeter-totter that suddenly shifts.”

I can see her in the corner of my eye. Her face is twisted with worry. “I’ll be fine,” I weakly say. “Do you have any water?”

She looks at me a moment, before she begins searching the car. A chill wind lashes me and I notice my door is still open.

“Here,” she says. “It was under the seat.”

The container is half full of clear liquid.

_Chloe’s? Lynn’s?_

It’s a little disturbing, but I don’t care right now. I twist it open and take some water in my mouth. After swirling it around, I lean over and spit it on the ground. I do this several times until the sour taste is gone. Then, I close my door and lean back with my eyes closed.

“I can take you home,” Kate offers.

I shake my head. “No,” I whisper. “It will pass.” Indeed it will because I’m already feeling better.

_What was that? The building looked different, then when Kate returned… ?_

I slit my eyes and look out the windshield. We’re still in the parking lot of the store, which has returned to normal. Whatever happened, I’m thoroughly confused and just want to forget it.

“We can go on now,” I say and already my voice seems closer to normal.

“Max,” Kate says and it pulls at my heart.

As calm and as warm as I can, I say, “I’ll be ok, Kate.” Silence greets my words and I finally look at her. I slide my hand over to touch hers. “I don’t know what it was,” I say. “But I feel a lot better now. Let’s go see your friends.”

At last she relents and her shoulders move into a relaxed state. “Ok,” she says. “I hope you aren’t hiding something from me. I don’t want you getting sick because of me.”

“I’m not. I don’t know what happened. It’s gone though and I’m feeling almost normal.”

She turns and lifts something from the floor. “Would you mind holding this,” she asks and holds out a bouquet of yellow and white flowers in a small mug.

I take the flowers from her with a smile, then reattach my seatbelt. I had removed it when journaling. With the mug balanced on my lap, we leave the store.

It doesn’t take us long to reach the hospital where her friends are. All the aches are gone, and I no longer feel sweaty. I step from the car, stretch and close the door. The cold air feels refreshing.

“Before we go in,” Kate says. She startles me since I didn’t see her come over. She pulls her hand from her coat pocket and holds up a thick hat, light blue in color.

“So you don’t catch cold,” she says and reaches up to put it on my head. The soft fabric slips over my ears and I immediately feel warmer. That could also be because she stands so close to me. Or because her fingers trail lightly over my cheeks when she’s done. A small smile graces her face as she studies her work. “So cute,” she says and gives me a quick hug before stepping away. I see pink flood her cheeks before she turns away.

We leave the car and hurry through the cold to the entrance. At the information desk, Kate finds the room numbers and I follow her on her little quest.

We go up a few floors and walk through wide hallways that twist and turn. When we arrive at the first destination, she turns to me and says, “you don’t have to come in if you don’t want to.”

I nod my head and she takes the flowers from me.

The floor is busy. An incessant beeping emanates from one of the work stations. Nurses hurry back and forth, or stop to talk to people. Although the hall is very wide, it’s crowded with all sorts of things I don’t recognize. After a few minutes in the hall, I open the door and slip inside.

When I peek my head around a curtain, I find Kate talking to a woman who doesn’t look much older than us. Part of her face is bandaged, along with her left arm. Tubes and lines run from her to instruments on the wall and hooks above the bed.

Kate sees me and waves me over. She introduces me to the woman when I step to her side.

_I did this. I put her in here._

An odd mix of sadness, regret, sympathy, and satisfaction churn in me. I can’t look at the woman, at Shandra. But I also can’t look away. Her wounds seem to scream at me, pulsing in my sight.

_It’s not right that she’s in here._

** _She won’t be the last person you send to a hospital._ **

Her words seem to challenge me and it snaps me out of the mental paralysis. I look at Shandra, really look at her. Kate tells her goodbye and walks toward the door. I linger a moment, Shandra’s sad smile damning me where I stand.

Slowly, I turn and follow Kate. The door closes behind us with a soft click and Kate suppresses a sob. “She doesn’t know if she’ll be able to return to work for a long time.” I lay a hand on her shoulder. She slips under my arm and against my side. I wasn’t expecting to give her a hug and it surprises me for a moment.

Then my arms wrap around her. In my ears are Kate’s whispers as she talks about her friend. In my mind are Her words, a horrid promise that more guilt will be laid at my feet.

Hazel eyes peer at mine. “Are you ok,” Kate whispers. “Are you getting sick?”

“No,” I whisper with a shake of my head. We’re still in the hug, which sends conflicting thoughts and energy through me.

“I’m sorry about your friend,” I continue, “I… put her in there.”

“What do you mean?”

With a shake of my head, I drop my arms and turn toward the wall. Her beautiful eyes disappear from sight. Which seems only right in this moment.

_Why should I enjoy beauty and warmth and care when I hurt and destroy?_

I know what I should do, what I want to do.

Fear and doubt hold me back. My hands tighten into fists.

Use of my power comes with consequences I don’t understand. Even noble uses. It’s like there’s some stupid karma system in place that requires things to be in balance. A fucked up balance.

With a groan of frustration, I push my head into my hands. A hand touches my shoulder and I look over at Kate.

“Because you used your power?” Kate’s hand slowly rubs my arm as she asks her question. “Chloe told me. About how you think using your ability brings bad things, even when you do good things with it. I don’t know about that. I do know that you are a good person.”

I open my mouth to object but she holds up a hand. “Let me finish, please.” When I finally nod, she continues. “We all do things we don’t like. We make mistakes. Sometimes we even do things we shouldn’t. What I look at is the whole person, their whole life as I know it. And you, Max, you try to do more good things than not. I’ve seen the pain in you when you realize you hurt someone. Those are some reasons why I say you’re a good person.

“You’re also brave. You push forward and do something even when it’s hard. Even when it’s painful for yourself. Like saving Chloe. Like saving me.”

_But not like killing her parents._

I don’t voice that, of course. I swallow the lump that formed at her words and say, “Thank you, Kate. Let’s… let’s go see your other friend.”

She smiles, caresses my upper arm and turns to walk down the hall. Her words stirred a dormant determination in me that I grasp with all my will. I take a step after her and enter the stillness. It takes only one of my moments to do what my heart longs to do. I weave the tapestry of time and space then step into normal time and follow Kate. She doesn’t notice the slight hesitation that marks my use of power.

The visit with Phil takes less time. His condition isn’t as bad as Shandra’s, and it doesn’t appear he and Kate are as close. She speaks a few words, asks about his condition and family, gives him his card, then we leave. Once we’re in the hall, I return to the stillness and repeat my earlier actions.

“You seem in a much better mood,” Kate says as we exit the hospital.

“Oh? Why do you say that?”

“You’re more relaxed and you’re smiling.”

“Ah…” We step off the curb and walk across the parking lot toward the car. She takes my hand as we walk.

“What brought on the better mood?”

I look at her while we walk. A small smile plays around her face, tugging her mouth and eyes. Peace and comfort seem to exude from her, powered by the sparkle of her eyes and grace of her being.

“You did,” I whisper.

Her head tilts and she looks at me. The smile has spread and there’s a sparkle in her eyes. “I did,” she asks.

“You helped me do something, something I longed to do but was scared to.”

“What is that?”

“I uh… I healed them,” I whisper.

She stops in the middle of the roadway, and brings me to a halt with her. “Healed them?” She looks at me with wide eyes. Her hand slackens, dropping mine.

“Well,” I say with a half shrug. “Yes. I’m responsible for them being in there. It seemed only right that I do something about it.”

She takes a quick step toward the hospital, then stops and again faces me. “You healed them, despite your belief it will cause more bad things to happen?” Her words are slow and she doesn’t quite focus on me as she speaks.

My shoe scuffs the asphalt. “Yeah.” I draw the word out, trailing into silence.

With a couple of steps, she’s in my space, enveloping me with her presence. “Max,” she whispers. “Thank you and… it took a lot for you to go against something you believe so strongly.” Her fingers find mine. “You did the right thing.”

The cold wind blows stray hair across her eyes. I reach over and smooth it back, then tuck it under her hat. Only half of my mouth smiles at her positive words. “Maybe,” I say. “We’ll see.”

“I KNOW you did the right thing. And I will continue to believe that!”

“Even when- no, never mind.” I look into the distance before her eyes can trap me and pull the words from me.

“Even when what? What were you going to say?”

I can’t refuse her. “Will you still believe when everything blows up?”

“Yes, because I believe we should do good things even when it’s hard or dangerous.”

My lips flatten at her explanation.

“That’s one thing that drew me to you in the beginning. You care even when it’s not convenient. Even when it costs you something.” She moves into my sight with her calming smile. “Let’s get some lunch and then I’ll take you to the special place.”

A conflict arises in my heart. The dread and damning built up over years crashes against the sincerity and beauty of her words. I want to believe her. Something inside floats loose of the inner turmoil and for a moment I’m in the sky, weightless, anchored only by her gaze.

“Ok,” I squeak and she giggles. A desire to make her giggle again seizes me, but she’s already turned and walking toward the car. She drags me along, our hands joined in a way I wish our lives were.

Then we’re in the car, with her dazzling smile and sparkling eyes and I say something. I don’t know what I say, but it makes her giggle again and it seems to break a speak or bubble. A laugh wells up from inside me. In that buoyant atmosphere, we leave the hospital. Even the cold, blue eyes that glint at the edge of consciousness cannot quell this!

She takes us to a nice little vegan-friendly restaurant. After I order, I excuse myself to the restroom where I clean up. None of my sickness got on me, but I make certain to wash my hands and face thoroughly. I return to our table where we chat lightly over salad, crispy Brussels sprouts, and more. There’s an edge to her that wasn’t there earlier, a sad undertone to her words and glances.

_Did I miss something? She was so vibrant and full of life before I cleaned up._

The food is wonderful, but the experience is dampened by whatever turn she took. I gently inquire a couple of times, but she deflects or avoids answering and I don’t push her. We leave the restaurant, our appetites sated, but my mind is hungry from worry. The doubt and anxiety that resides in me is fed by the change and steadily eats away at the positive state I was in before lunch. Added to that is concern for her. I can’t recall seeing Kate like this.

_Not since we took them in…_

Then we’re in the car driving, and I try to get her to divulge the special place. That brings a genuine smile to her as she avoids my questions. “You’ll find out soon,” she keeps saying.

We drive through the city. Kate sings along to her songs that she streams from her phone. I keep my attention split between her singing, and the world outside. Her singing voice pulls me toward her, even when she makes a mistake. Sometimes those mistakes cause her to giggle which draws my eyes to her. Her cheeks shine with pink hues whenever she sees me looking at her.

Around twenty minutes later, we enter a forest. Kate stops singing and slows the car. I crane my head against the windshield and side window to look at the trees. She does something similar, looking above the steering wheel at the giants that border the road. They tower above the car, tops too high to see at my angle.

“Where are we,” I ask breathlessly.

“Hoyt Arboretum,” she whispers.

We pull into a small parking lot and the car stops. Both of us quickly exit the car, then turn and look around. A hand slips into mine bringing my eyes to ground level. “You aways liked places like this,” she whispers, “Natural beauty. Easy to get away from people. I thought… it would be a good place for us to spend time together.”

“It’s a wonderful place to spend time with you,” I gush.

She smiles but it doesn’t touch her eyes. “Good, then let’s go.”

She leads me by the hand away from the car. A short distance from the parking lot is a building set below the lot. We walk down the ramp toward it. “Do you want to go in, get some information or a map,” she asks at the bottom.

“No,” I say after a moment, “let’s go explore.”

And we do. Paths, both paved and unpaved, wind among the trees. We aren’t the only people in the park, yet the others are few and far between. We take our time, walking slowly along the paths and enjoying the sounds of the forest around us. Our hands brush each other at times, but neither of us move to hold them. The brief touches send little jolts up my arm and I wonder if it does the same to her.

In between the scenes, I also take the opportunity to observe Kate. The tranquility of the park has imbued me with calm and confidence. I don’t hide that I’m studying and greet her looks with smiles. She smiles too, in that way that doesn’t touch her eyes.

We come to a small wooden platform set among the trees. There’s a couple of benches and plenty of room to stand and enjoy the relative silence. It juts out into a fold between two hills and gives us a beautiful view. Kate leans against a railing, her elbows atop it, and stares into the evergreens.

Next to her, I too lean against the railing. My eyes are on a natural beauty that captures my attention more than the beauty of the forest around us. The tilt of her head, the brief smiles that greet new sights, the way she studies the tiny details of flowers, all speak to me louder than the loudest orchestra. “Care to talk,” I timidly ask.

“About?” She keeps her focus on the plant life beyond the platform.

“About you. Us. About this morning.”

Her head droops a little and her hands clasp in front of her. “If you aren’t ready to or don’t want to, it’s ok,” I say. “I’m here… to support you in any way I can.”

We stand in silence for a time. Among the trees, we’re sheltered from the wind. Its presence is heard by the creak of the trees as their tops sway in the wind. I turn and lean my back against the rail. Opposite us is the platform entrance. The trail goes left and right in front of the platform. Beyond that, the land rises in a steep hill coated with different evergreen plants and trees. The shadow of the forest soothes me.

“It was easy enough to allow myself to hold you and Chloe, to hug, and even to give each other chaste kisses.” Her soft words seem to play among the gentle breeze that strays through the trees. “That’s not so different from what sisters would do, or even good friends. It was ok. I was… allowed to do that.

“And for five years I was content with that. Honestly, as much as I hate to admit this, your disappearance helped. What Chloe and I have, what we built during those years, was enough for each other. The… things I struggled with could easily be pushed away, rejected, repressed.

“Then you came back and so did all those feelings and thoughts. Stronger than before.”

She lapses into silence and I ponder her words. “What…” I catch myself from asking the wrong question. She stands so stiff and tense, I think the slightest breeze would knock her over. “Tell me more about the things you struggled with. The things you needed to repress.”

Across from us, the trees that climb the hill sway in the wind. At their feet are ferns and other plants. Large leaves and long limbs help to cover the ground. As I wait for Kate to speak, I fold my arms; the better to keep my hands from picking at my pants. It doesn’t really help because they pinch the fabric of my jacket and begin rolling it back and forth.

The ferns and trees fade into bare earth and exposed stone. Beyond them, the sky takes on a brownish hue.

“I… was raised in a conservative religion,” she breathes into the stillness of the afternoon. “Although there was a lot of talk of love and Jesus’ example… in reality there was an ‘us versus them’ world view. If you didn’t conform to their rules and their strict understanding of the scriptures, you were not welcome.”

A dread fills me as the dead landscape creeps toward us. But I don’t want to interrupt Kate, although I don’t understand what she’s saying. It’s important to her though. Besides, I’m the only one that can see this… corruption of the land.

“You… couldn’t trust anyone, not even people who were your friends. They’d turn on you in an instant if they thought you were no longer conforming. We were taught that to remain silent when we knew someone wasn’t doing the right thing made ourselves party to their ‘sin.’ And me… all I heard about me was that I’m… wrong. A sinner. Vile. Disgusting. Broken. And the more I heard it, the more I tried to prove I wasn’t.”

The corruption reaches the path while she speaks. It slowly approaches the platform. I turn and match her in stance. “What do you mean,” I ask. It takes all I have to keep my voice steady in the face of the approaching change.

_Only I can see it! Only I can see it!_

“I…” Her words fall into silence. I look at her. She’s still rigid, with her body body bent. The knuckles of her hands are white where they grasp the rail. I cautiously touch her shoulder and she flinches. Air explodes from her and I pull my hand away.

“Sorry,” I murmur.

She shakes her head and remains silent. We stand that way for a while. Her words battle against my growing concern for the world around us. Both have weight, but hers is more important. “You said they made you think you’re a… sinner. What do you mean?”

With trembling lip, she looks at me. “I… like girls… women,” she hisses. “Since I was little I’ve known that and hid it. If they knew…” She shakes her head. “Every Sunday service they’d find a way to weave in their message of hate. Oh sure, they’d say ‘we welcome all into our congregation.’ But to be a member you had to deny who you are to conform to what they want. And if you’re born into it?”

She lets go of the rail and steps into my space, her face contorted in a way I’ve never seen! A single word describes the look: hate.

“Day after day. Week after week. Sermons. Family worship night. It was always the same! I am wrong. Evil. Born flawed and wicked. If they knew who I truly am? The messages I got after that stupid kissing video at Blackwell would be nothing!”

She calms suddenly, in a sad way. “But you, Max. You and Chloe. You never looked at me like that. You never thought something was wrong with me. And I… I wanted to show you something…” She reaches up as if to brush my hair or touch my face but her hand falls to her side and her face takes on a sour expression.

“But when I tried… when I tried…” she turns from me and collapses against the railing.

I go to her and put my hands on her shoulders. “What happened when you tried,” I say and try to ignore the lack of trees and plant life around us.

“I…” she stands up, then stumbles backward with a gasp. “What happened to the park!”

“You- you can see that!”

In the distance, over her shoulder, I see figures moving. They are too far away to make out details. I’m seized with a sudden desire to get out of here.

“We need to run,” I whisper.

“What?”

“Turn,” I hiss, “and keep your voice down. We need to get back to the car, now!”

I turn, grab her hand, and hurry back to the path. Or at least where the path was. Thankfully, or perhaps oddly, not far in the direction we came, the trees and plant life resume. We hurry in that direction and don’t stop until we’re at the car.

Kate looks at me across the roof. “What was that?”

I hesitate a moment, then say, “One of the realities I was in. It was… it was the one where those creatures took over.” She shudders and we get in the car.

“Sorry,” I say as she starts the engine.

“Whatever for?” She looks at me, head tilted, one eyebrow lowered.

“You were sharing something personal with me, and I ruined it.”

“How did you ruin it?”

I look away at the trees that stand outside the car. “Don’t you remember? I healed your coworkers and… brought that.” I point in the distance where there is a distinct lack of trees.

Fingers brush mine, then curl over them. “I don’t believe you brought that by healing them,” she says.

I shake my head and remain silent. Her fingers leave mine, then the car backs out of the space and we leave.

Right now I want nothing more but peace and silence in my mind. It’s anything but. Accusatory thoughts about ruining her moment, about bringing that corruption, and more fight each other. It’s almost too much. The fact Kate saw the other place scares me. Last night when such things happened like the water flowing, only I could see them.

_What does it mean that Kate sees them? Does that mean others can too?_

I don’t like where those thoughts lead me so I break it off. Instead, I force myself to consider what Kate shared.

At a red light, I look at her. With one hand on the steering wheel, and the other propped on the windowsill to support her head she looks relaxed.

_But what damning thoughts of your own lurk in your mind?_

Slowly, I move my hand to her arm. She looks at me with a little smile. “Yes?”

“You aren’t evil or wicked, Kate,” I whisper.

“Forgive me,” she replies, “if my mind and heart don’t agree with you. This morning, when I wanted to do more than hug and kiss? All I could hear was my Church Leader’s voices telling me I’m disgusting. A harlot and that God will destroy me.”

Her words make my heart sink within me, but the light changes and the car moves disrupting the moment. I let my hand fall from her arm so she can steer and we continue our travels through the busy streets of Portland.

Suddenly, she snorts and giggles. “Sorry,” she says lightly. “I just realized how alike we are. I can’t draw close to you, like I want, because of my indoctrination. You have difficultly believing good can come from your use of power because of yours.”

I hesitate before I say, “but I have proof of mine.”

“And I don’t?” She gives me a sharp look before returning focus to the street ahead. “Tell me, when you healed Shandra and Phil, did you see it directly cause what we witnessed at the park?”

Warmth softens her question, which is direct. “No,” I slowly say.

“Then how do you know?”

“I…”

When I don’t continue my reply, she looks at me again. We’re at another light behind several cars. Her hand touches mine. “It’s hard to break away from things we really believe in. I was taught for 18 years to hate who I am. I don’t know how long you’ve believed your powers bring bad things. It doesn’t matter. What matters, at least to me, is your support in changing my mind, in learning new ways to think. Will you accept the same from me?”

The engine exerts more power and we move again before I respond. There’s too much to unpack in what Kate said. Finally, as we near streets I recognize, I say, “Yes… I’ll accept the same from you. How can I help you?”

“Honestly? I don’t know. What you did this morning helped a lot. I think…” She pulls the car along the curb in front of the house but doesn’t shut off the engine. “Now that you know, that helps. It means I can talk to you about it, if that’s ok?”

“Yes, Kate, it is.”

“And… I don’t want to trifle with something as sensitive as… sex… but… I would like… in time… to unlearn my boundaries and do more than hug and kiss like friends might. Is… that ok?”

While she speaks, I undo the seatbelt to better look at her. She’s so hesitant, her eyes flitting from me, to the dashboard to the windshield. Her fingers are white-knuckled on the steering wheel. I gently place my hand over one of hers. “It’s ok,” I whisper, and caress her hand.

“I’m sorry you went through that. It sounds horrible! I can’t imagine teaching such things to a child.” Her head leans against the steering wheel as I speak.

“Thank you,” she whispers. “I… held that in for five years, scared that if I let you or Chloe know… you wouldn’t understand. That you’d… reject me. When you came back-“ She lifts her head and looks at me. The sight of her face captures my heart. “And I felt again those same feelings for you, I couldn’t hold back anymore. It hurt too much to hide myself.”

She takes my hand in hers, brings it to her lips, and kisses the back of my fingers. “I’m on a journey,” she whispers, “started five years ago and put on hold. Thank you for returning and helping me resume that journey.”

I smile at her and move my hand to touch her cheek. Her eyes shine, from what, I don’t know. Hopefully happiness. “Forgive me if this isn’t appropriate, but I wonder, do you have similar feelings toward Chloe?”

Her smile stays as her fingers follow my arm back to me. She plays with the hair around my ears and I lean into her touch. “It’s ok. The three of us are in a unique relationship. We need a certain amount of openness, in my opinion. As for my feelings for Chloe, that’s… complicated. I haven’t sorted through them yet. But I think… if the time is right, then yes.”

I look away a moment before I say, “I ask because I don’t want to put what you have with Chloe, or what I have with Chloe, at risk. I’m open to our… trio, just… it’s still new to me.”

“She and I talked about these things while you were away. She’s happy with what she has with me. And I with her. The three of us should discuss this together… more.”

She scoots as close as she can with the center console in the way. Her eyes track her fingers as they play with my hair and trace my ear. “How can I help you?”

“You’ve helped me a lot already,” I whisper. “You and Chloe are my center. When I have those episodes, it’s you who brings me back.”

She shakes her head and her fingers slip to the back of my neck. “No. I mean, with your belief that your power… is cursed. Is it ok to say it like that?”

_Cursed?_

“That’s actually a good way to describe it,” I slowly say. “I guess… what you did earlier. Help me to see things differently. Ask me questions. Help me think about why I believe certain things.”

She draws closer as I speak. Heat flares in my cheek and I don’t know if it’s from her nearness, from expectation, or something else.

“I want to kiss you, is that ok,” She breathes and the warmth intensifies.

“It’s very ok,” I reply just before our lips meet.

We kiss with a mixture of tenderness and passion. It’s definitely not the kiss of friends or sisters! Kate surprises me with a little aggression or maybe enthusiasm, rising from her seat and clambering over the center console to straddle my knees.

Her hands caress my cheeks as she pours a passion into the kiss that seems boundless. The familiar scents and tastes of sunshine and honey are mingled with mint and thyme and other spices from lunch. When she pulls away with flushed cheeks, she looks at me with half-closed eyes. Our breath is quick and shallow. “Wow,” I whisper.

“I… hope I’m not too much,” she pants. “I feel like I missed out on so much in my teens because I had to hide my true self.”

My hands slid up her arms to her shoulders. I lean forward and kiss her again, deciding I like all those scents and flavors. “Not at all,” I whisper.

A knock on my window startles us. All the windows are fogged and Kate makes a sound of surprise. I lower my window while Kate moves quickly back to her seat with a fearful squeak.

The fog covered window lowers to reveal gleaming blue eyes and a smirk. “What a thing to come home to,” Chloe says. “Aren’t you supposed to do this at night when you’re pushing your curfew?”

Kate sticks her tongue out at Chloe which seems so unlike her that I gasp. Chloe laughs, I hope at my expression. “If you two are done with your activities,” she says with waggling eyebrows, “What do you want for dinner?”

“Oh, dear,” Kate exclaims. “That’s what I forgot to do today! We need groceries. There isn’t enough in the house for all of us.”

Chloe raises her hands to display a grocery bag in each. “I thought you might be a little busy today.” Her eyes stray to me as she speaks. A small smile graces her mouth and voice. “So I stopped at the store on the way home.”

Kate scrambles from the car, rushes around it, and wraps Chloe in a warm hug. An awkward grin tilts Chloe’s face. They stumble far enough from the car to allow me to open the door. I take the groceries from Chloe before she drops them.

“Hey there, young lady,” Chloe says as she winks at me. She wraps her arms around Kate’s waist. “Do you have a license for that weapon?”

“Weapon?” Kate leans away to look at Chloe with lowered brows.

“That hug is a powerful thing,” Chloe drawls. “It can tame the most dangerous of people.”

Kate playfully slaps Chloe’s shoulder, then gives her another hug. Without the burden of the groceries, Chloe is free to respond to the hug.

There’s a deep satisfaction that fills me as I watch my two best friends. No! My two girlfriends hug like that.

After a few seconds, Kate pushes gently away. “Max, would you mind putting the groceries away while I lock the car?”

“Not at all.” I turn and walk toward the house, my insides still warm from the scene.

Halfway up the walk, I glance back to see Chloe perched on the hood. She and Kate appear to be talking.

The front door is unlocked and I let myself in. Lynn and Rachel are on the couch playing a video game. Both wave at me as I walk by.

Kate and Chloe come in as I put the last item in the fridge. They enter the kitchen. Chloe gives me a quick bump on the shoulder before grabbing a cup and filling it with water.

“What should we have for dinner,” Kate muses as she opens the fridge. I offer to help prepare and Chloe says she wants to spend some time with Rachel. “Two in the kitchen is enough,” Kate says. “Last night was too crowded.”

Chloe smiles and wanders off. Kate begins retrieving items from the fridge and nearby pantry, while telling me what she wants to cook for supper.

It is a lot easier to prepare dinner tonight, than last night. Four people in the kitchen was too many! We split the preparation and cleaning duties and set to work. Kate alternates between humming and chatting. Her hands and fingers seem to find me often. A touch on the arm, a hand on the back, little accidental caresses that she didn’t do last night. Or the previous time we cooked together.

At one point, while she’s sautéing some cubed potatoes, I come up behind her. I slip my hands around her waist and hold her. She momentarily stiffens, then relaxes and leans into me. “Do you like this,” I whisper in her ear.

“I do,” she breathes.

I kiss her neck softly, then say, “your potatoes smell so good. Can you teach me how to make them?”

“Sure. Remind me tomorrow.” She leans away to finish cooking, but doesn’t pull from my arms. I watch over her shoulder, careful not to be in her way.

There’s a sound behind us, like someone choking, and I look back to see Lynn staring at us. Or glaring. A little heat flares in my cheeks and for a brief moment I want to drop my arms and push away from Kate. The moment passes though and I don’t move.

Lynn stiffly walks to the fridge and grabs something from it. She disappears just as suddenly.

“It must be so hard on Lynn,” I whisper, “to see the person she has a crush on be with her sister.”

Kate sighs and removes the pan from the heat. Now, I drop my arms and move away. “I shouldn’t have treated it so lightly a few days ago,” Kate whispers. “I was trying to make you feel comfortable and at home so I did things I normally don’t.”

A thought occurs to me then. “Does Lynn have the same… inhibitions you do?”

Kate shakes her head and puts the potato cubes in a bowl. “She’s a different person, plus… our situation changed before she began questioning.”

_Meaning… I killed off their congregation before Lynn began exploring who she is._

The thought makes we wince, which Kate notices. “Are you ok?”

At first I want to deflect her question. Then I remember our recent conversation and decide to push myself. There’s strong resistance to share anything, a weight that pulls at my mind and mouth. I look at the fridge as I force out the words, “I… had a bad thought.”

Fingers touch the back of my hand. “Was it about… your power? Because of what I said?”

With a nod, I whisper thickly, “I forced that change and… it burns inside me. I can’t… I can’t let go of it.”

She’s close, but gives me space. Her hand takes mine and holds it loosely. “It’s possible you didn’t hear this last night: you didn’t bring that disaster on Arcadia Bay, Max.” Her soft words slip into my mind and around my defenses. I look at her with her bigs eyes and tilted head. Her fingers caress mine.

“Even if you didn’t go to Blackwell, the storm would have come.”

“I could have stopped it, though.”

“You don’t know that.”

“But I believe it.”

A sad smile dims her face. “Belief isn’t fact, though.” She pauses and reaches up to move some hair from my eyes. “You are a kind, caring person. I think that’s why you cling to that belief. You don’t want anyone to hurt. Maybe think of what happened as freeing Lynn to explore who she is without the hatred and judgmental group we were part of.”

“I’ll try,” I slowly say. “To look at it that way. Thanks.”

Her smile brightens and her fingers brush my cheek as they fall to her side. “That’s all I’m suggesting: to try. Now, let’s finish dinner prep and eat.”

The rest of our preparations go quickly and soon all of us have food on plates and are back in the living room. The small table in the kitchen is tight with four of us, and completely not usable for five. We sit with plates balanced on knees and legs, cups on the small table, and low conversation that fills the air.

The food is pleasant, and the company even more so. Rachel is more relaxed and tells us she was able to talk with her mom. She’s planned a visit after we complete our work up here. That makes me uneasy for a little while. Chloe smiles at me, and takes my hand in hers when she sees my face fall.

“Still not ready, are you,” she whispers.

I shake my head and try to quell the strange fluttering inside me. It’s accompanied with a tightness of my chest and throat. She gives my hand a squeeze and changes the topic. Gradually, the fluttering and tightness leave and I’m able to complete my meal.

Dinner is complete and we sit in sated silence for a few moments. With a contented groan, I rise and begin collecting the empty plates and cups. Chloe joins me and calls Lynn. She takes the pile of plates from me. “No way are you cleaning also,” she protests. “Rachel! Come help Lynn and I with the dishes.”

I see Rachel roll her eyes, but she rises with a smile and saunters after the others.

“That was a great meal,” I tell Kate.

“Your help made it better,” she replies with a smile.

Her smile causes little flutters in my stomach. I cough into my arm to cover up a nervousness that rushes through me.

“If it’s not a bother,” I say, “I think I’ll retire for the night.”

“Why would it be a bother,” she asks with her head tilted and bright eyes.

“I didn’t know what you or the others wanted to do.”

“It’s ok.” Her fingers touch the side of my shoulder. “I’ll be in there eventually. I suspect Chloe will want to stay up longer and play games. Tomorrow’s Saturday and she likes to sleep in.”

I smile, say good night, and go to the bedroom. Along the way, I pick up my messenger bag and take it with me.

Toilet. Pajamas. Brush teeth. Wash face. It’s the same routine I followed in the reality where I didn’t know who I was. Tomorrow I’ll need to do laundry because I’m almost out of clothes. I raise my head, warm water dripping from my face, to gaze at myself in the mirror.

_Who am I anymore? What am I?_

The thoughts and memories of thousands of Maxes, untold numbers of Maxes, reside in me. They are part of me. Pasts I both know and don’t know. The memories extend beyond the years I was scattered everywhere. At times they are disorienting.

There are times I seem like a Max assembled from the fragments of untold lives. Not when I’m with Kate or Chloe though. Especially not when I’m in their arms. What I told Kate earlier is only too true. They are what drew me back whenever that thing happened; the thing that allowed me to reform here.

Water drips from my nose and I narrow my eyes. I don’t like what I see in the mirror, but that’s nothing new. I don’t like the constant sense of discombobulation that I am. Always changing and shifting inside. A whirlwind of memories and lives that are not my own.

_What happened today, at the store and park? What’s going on with me? Will I ever be whole? Belong?_

As if in response to those thoughts, the mirror seems to ripple. When it flattens, purple skin the color of midnight replaces my own. I gasp and raise purple hands to my face. Long, slender fingers touch my cheeks and trace along my cheekbones.

I look down, but my hands are my own. I return my eyes to the mirror, but only regular me appears. Water glistens on my skin and soaks the edges of my bangs.

_I felt my fingers…_

An unease pervades me, and I back away from the mirror. A memory from another time and place pops into mind. More than once when I was in the forgetful Max’s world, her reflection came alive and spoke to her.

_Is that what’s happening here? Who was that Max that spoke to her?_

Other than the mirror, though, they don’t seem connected. I quickly dry my face, shut off the light, and leave the bedroom. I won’t be able to sleep now and I’m not sure I want to talk about it.

I crawl into bed with my phone and my journal. The time goes by quickly and the next thing I know, Kate enters the room.

“Oh,” she says as she closes the door softly. “You found them.”

I blink and look at her blankly. “Found them?”

She moves to the foot of the bed. “The journals we kept for you. It was one of the… coping mechanisms Chloe used. Every few months, she’d go to a store and buy a journal for you.”

The rough paper under my fingers takes on a different meaning when she tells me that. My eyes drop to look at the unlined page covered in doodles and words. I spent my time writing and reading some of Chloe’s old texts. There are connections and memories imbued in these things that attach me to this place, this world. In those connections I sense the depth of Chloe’s loss and emotion.

“Thank you,” I whisper. I close the journal and set it aside. She smiles at me, then grabs her pajamas and goes into the bathroom. I put my stuff on her table, connect my phone to the charger, then slide into the middle of the bed.

Minutes later, she joins me. She turns off the light, slips under the overs and into my arms. The sleep that drove me to bed earlier fled once I had the incident in the bathroom. I press my lips lightly to Kate’s forehead.

“How are you doing,” I whisper.

Her fingers slip into my hair and plays with it. “Much better, now,” she says.

We lay there, comfortable with each other, and talk. I don’t share what happened in the bathroom. Rather, I focus our conversation on her and how she’s doing. We fall asleep that way before Chloe joins us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to my good friend [R4tmptshkbra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/R4tmptshkbra). Your love and passion for these characters inspired all the good moments between Kate and Max in this chapter.


	30. Max and Chloe

A sharp tang, like burning metal, seeps into my awareness and drags me from blissful slumber. I open my eyes to a world filled with burning and broken walls. I stand in the middle of a room, its charred walls still smoking, and turn slowly in a circle. Smoke ascends from many points all around, twisting its way skyward. It takes with it whatever hope and good things were held by the people who lived here. People whose remains are strewn among the ash and smoldering wood and twisted metal of their lives. A fluttering takes root inside me and attempts to steal my breath. The fluttering moves from my heart to my hands as full wakefullness is forced upon me by this hideous scene.

Beyond the soft crackles and pops of smoldering fire, there is no sound. Neither that of traffic or conversation, nor of dogs and other animals. It is not the silence of peace, but of wariness, of fear and terror. The silence screams at me with its oppression and I cover my ears and bow under its heaviness.

The smoke stings my eyes and lungs and forces a coughing fit from me. The emptiness of the world amplifies the sound, and stabs me with fear. The sound bounces from the walls into the expanse beyond, sure to bring attention and more. The world presses upon me, big and imposing, it wants to smother me in the silence. I flail my arms as the fit brings me off balance, threatening to spill me into the ash and broken bits of building at my feet. Instead, I stumble to a wall and use it to brace myself until the fit subsides.

From there, I step through the ruins, careful to avoid the still burning pieces of building. Each step sounds like the beat of a drum to me as it echoes until swallowed by the world. Little plumes of ash burst into the air at each step to decorate my lower pant legs. It is warm amidst the ruin, but not uncomfortably. Thankfully, there’s not enough smoke to make me cough again, only enough to sting the eyes.

At last, I step free of the house and look around. More smoldering ruins line the street in both directions. If you can even call it a street. The cars and pavement are smashed together into a mess. The metal and concrete mixture are placed like the waves of a sea and the lawns are its beach. Overhead, a muddy sky looms like an oppressive hand pushing down on the world.

I stand among the ruins of a broken world and listen. Nothing. No one.

“They’re all gone.” The words seem to float to me on the faint currents of warm air that move around. The weak sun does little to warm the world around me and I move closer to the ruined house.

I turn in a circle seeking the speaker, but no one is nearby.

“You did this.” The voice accuses me, as stark as the ruins that face me.

She steps from the smoky shadows of the ruins opposite me. A lithe figure, my height, she picks her way across a yard pitted with debris. Some of the items look like they hit with great force. Great troughs cut through the earth and large mounds of dirt mark where they stopped.

“What do you mean, I did it?” My voice is as dead as the world around us.

She doesn’t answer, nor stop her approach. Her face is tilted down, studying where she steps. It’s only when she stops in front me that her familiarity becomes known.

I look into my own face, one hardened and flat. She looks at me with that stoney face and says, “You set the events in motion five years ago.”

I narrow my eyes at her. “How do you know? Which Max are you?”

Now she does smile, a sickly, thin thing. It splits her face like a wound and I immediately want her to stop. “We’re one and the same, all of us. You’re stuck thinking in fractals and realities and timelines without realizing what’s in front of you. This is your future and you ran from it! Only now…”

She steps into my space with that gash of a smile and hisses, “It’s caught up with you!”

Her nearness and words make me jerk and sends my heart into a race. My breath leaves me in a gasp, which turns into a strangled sound as darkness consumes me. I look this way and that but she isn’t there! The ruins aren’t there!

In my hands I hold the cloth of my world, the only thing that is tangible. It connects me through the darkness to what I cannot see, only hear. And what I hear is the faintest of murmurs, a soft whisper, a suggestion of my name in an unmistakable voice.

Only then do I realize.

Only then do I see.

The broken world is not here.

It was a dream.

The only thing broken is me.

Chloe stirs next to me as my heart slowly returns to normal. The sheets and blankets are twisted into a knot on my lap. In the darkness beyond the bed, cold, blue eyes watch me. Watch us. I see again that hideous smile.

_Is that real or am I imagining it?_

Nothing seems to happen and the eyes fade away. It’s long after they’re gone that I lay back down. For an equally long time I lay there, eyes wide open and mind a mess as I sort through the recent events. It’s only when Kate moves against me, her arm thrown across my waist, that I let go of the thoughts.

I turn on my side and Kate immediately snuggles into me. The scents of sunshine and honey wrap me in blissful slumber, one without dreams.

Wakefulness finds me sometime later. I stretch, arms and legs going everywhere, and notice that Kate and Chloe are gone. In a panic, I sit up quickly. Right then, Chloe pokes her head into the bedroom.

“Ah, you’re finally awake,” she says with a smile. “Kate and Lynn are out on their sister act, so it’s just you and me.”

I look around, my hand bunching the sheets like last night. “You mean, you, I, and Rachel,” I say without meeting her eyes.

“Sure,” she says slowly, “if you want her with us.” I hear the door close and when I look up, she’s leaning against it.

“She doesn’t like me.”

“I know.”

“You do?”

She steps to the foot of the bed and sits on it. “Max… I suspected it right away. When we talked the other night, she told me she’s jealous of you. Has been jealous of you. But… she’s working on changing that.”

_Which is why she told her story in a way to hurt me?_

_Cool it, Max. You’ve made mistakes, too._

The only thing broken is me. That realization returns to me, along with the dream.

“That’s not what’s really on your mind though, is it.”

“Huh?” I look up at Chloe. She sits on the edge of the bed with one knee popped up to support her chin.

“What’s really on your mind?” Her eyes slowly study me as she asks the question. One hand rests on the bed, pointed in my direction.

I look away again. The sheets are smooth and slippery in my hands. “I… had a strange dream last night,” I whisper. “And several strange things happened yesterday.”

“Do you want to talk about it,” she whispers.

The age-old hesitation and resistance opens within me. It pushes at my mind, at my mouth, to keep the words from flowing.

_How can they understand?_

_If I never talk about it, they never will._

I slip back on the sheet to lean against the headboard. My fingers lose themselves in the never ending whorls and waves of the sheet as I begin to speak. With halting words, I tell Chloe about the store, the park, and my dream. She listens, and asks open-ended questions to get me to open up.

“That’s some strange stuff,” she says at the end. “Stranger still that Kate was involved with one. How does it make you feel?”

“I’m already barely holding myself together,” I answer. “All those memories inside me seem like they want to escape. And with the way my power has been uncontrollable? I’m scared, Chloe… terrified actually. I don’t know what will happen next. And what’s worse, it feels like I won’t have a say in it.

“I’m broken in a way that I don’t think can be fixed.” The last words slip into the air like a ward against her friendship and love. She looks away from me for a moment, fingers smoothing the sheet close to her.

“Tell me more about being broken,” she whispers. Her hands are now trapped between her chin and knee and she looks at me warmly.

“Isn’t what I said enough?” The words explode from me before I can stop them. I bite my lip and look away. “Sorry,” I mumble.

“What I mean…” the bed shifts and I look over to see she’s moved closer to me. She’s not quite within arms reach, which gives me enough space to breathe.

_Does she remember what I told her the other night about how her standing too close to me is overwhelming?_

“Tell me about feeling like you won’t have a say in what happens next. Tell me about feeling like you can’t be fixed?” Her voice retains the same warm tone she started with.

“I… I feel trapped. That no matter what I do, everything will collapse. I was set to accept a job but then we got pulled away to Arcadia Bay. Then, when Kate and I have a special moment, another reality intrudes. Most of all…” I look away again to compose my mind and heart. “You and Kate are special to me. It’s you two that drew me across realities back to here. Yet, I still feel like I’m intruding in your lives, that I don’t belong here.

“Millions of Maxes constantly flood me with their memories. My power is unpredictable. I feel like at any moment I’ll unravel and disappear. I don’t see a way out of any of that.”

Silence fills the gap left by my words. “That’s some heavy shit,” Chloe said. “Neither Kate nor I feel like you’re intruding. We want you with us, all of you-“

“Even when I don’t even know who I am? When who I am is constantly attacked by variations of me?”

“Even with that. We’re all broken, Max. I say that only to point out you aren’t alone, not to dismiss any of your feelings.”

Another silence descends. I pick at the sheet, pulling it toward me in a small pile. Chloe readjusts to sit cross-legged. “This isn’t a recent thing, feeling broken, is it,” she whispers. “The choice you felt pushed into with the storm. My dad…” Her words trail into a silence that seeps into me.

A shudder runs up my back that I can’t suppress. With a hard swallow, I say, “No… I… thought I was in a better place when I came to Blackwell, but I was fooling myself. That week showed me my wounds weren’t healed… then everything piled on. You… you were the only thing that made sense and helped. Then Kate… but… I couldn’t keep the pieces together long enough to heal, long enough to let you see.

“I-I’m sorry, Chloe. Sorry, I’m not a better person, one who could be there for you instead of running away all the time.”

She reaches across the space between to take my hand. “I don’t see you as running away. Overwhelmed? Yes. You don’t need to face these things alone. Kate and I? We want to help you. You are that better person, Max. You’ve faced more weird stuff than anyone and didn’t run away.”

I shake my head, but say, “Thanks. I… don’t see it that way.”

“How can I help you see it like that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well then…” Her thumb runs over the back of my hand as her words falter. “Sounds like today is ‘Help Max see she is a better person’ day.”

I snort and say, “how about ‘just have fun’ day? Because seriously? I’m tired of serious shit all the time. I want… I want endless days with just you and Kate and our sweet, sweet moments together. None of this ‘fate of others’ crap that seems to come our way.”

She chuckled at that. “Ok, a Maximum Fun Day.”

That elicits a groan from me and I fall onto my side. “Great, a bad pun day. Besides, I’m afraid one of those fucking events will happen and ruin it.”

She crawls the short distance to me until her face is close to mine. “Then, I won’t let your day be ruined.”

For an age I am lost in her eyes. I hear my voice from a great distance ask, “And how will you do that?”

“Well,” she slowly says, “I’ll start by tickling them to death!” At that, she launches her attack! I squeal with laughter as her fingers tickle my sides. I toss and turn to break free, but only succeed in pulling her closer. She finds spots I didn’t even realize were ticklish!

She looms over me with her delightful smile and laughter and joy. I try to swat her hands away, but she avoids them. Then I turn and twist and somehow find myself on top of her.

Her fingers no longer tickle, but hold me lightly as I pant into her face. “You are seriously cute,” she says with a cocky grin.

“And you,” I pant, “are a terrible monster!” And I launch my own tickle attack.

It doesn’t take long for her to gently restrain me. “It’s not fair,” I fake pout. “You’re so much bigger and stronger than me.”

She laughs and sits up, helping me to a sitting position too. We’re both a little out of breath and she scoots back to lean against the headboard. We sit like that a while. I lean my head against her shoulder, the way I used to. It causes her to wrap an arm around me, and pull me tight against her. “I’m so fucking glad you’re back,” she says.

“Me too.”

After a little silence, she says, “And… I’m sorry about Rachel. I wanted so much for the two of you to be friends.”

“It’s ok,” I say and look up at her. “Maybe in time. Right now it’s too soon and there are too many other things going on.”

She nods but doesn’t say anything.

The weight of her arm brings me comfort. I like the way I fit against her, tucked under her arm. I slip an arm around her and hold her.

We sit in silence and it’s a wonderful thing.

“After breakfast, would you like to get out of the house, or stay here?”

I think about that. Life has been go, go, go since I returned. “Would Rachel come with us?”

“Only if you want her to.”

“It’s hard,” I say as my fingers return to playing with the sheet. “Since I returned, every day has been us going somewhere. It’s feeling a bit too much, but I also… don’t want to stay here with Rachel in the house.”

She nods. “Ok, how about this: there’s a street art show near Pioneer Square, only a short bus ride from here. They have these big heater things set up. So even though it’s cold outside, we shouldn’t be too cold. Let’s go have a little fun there, then, after lunch, we can go to the waterfront or a museum or something.”

“Just you and I?”

“Just us.”

“Ok.”

She looks down at me looking up at her. Our play tousled her hair and it sticks up in all sorts of directions. “What are you smiling at,” she asks.

“My goofball,” I whisper.

She leans further, and gives me a tender kiss. “Dweeb,” she whispers.

“Kumquat.”

“Kumquat? Are you calling me a fruit?”

I laugh at her fake affront. “Because you’re so sweet,” I say. She makes a vulgar sound, then kisses me again, this time on the lips. “Breakfast here, or out?”

“Let’s eat out,” I say and before she can go, I wrap my arms around her neck and hold on. “You’re mine,” I whisper.

She smiles and says, “Always.” Then, with a deft move, she slips from my arms and off the bed. She adjusts her clothes, gives me a wink, and saunters for the door. I laugh as she exaggerates the sway of her hips. That’s new, because she doesn’t sway her hips, or act that way. She gives me an alluring look before she closes the door.

_Chloe has picked up some interesting ways while I was gone._

I lean back and look at the ceiling. The events of yesterday and last night are no longer on my mind. Instead, wonderful pleasantness whose name is Chloe is all I picture.

Before I get ready for the day, I grab my journal and write some more. It’s so gratifying to watch words form on the page, or pictures that appear from my few, brief strokes! Before I know it, I’ve populated another journal and have to dig through Kate’s nightstand for another.

After a shower and clean clothes, I gather up my dirty clothes and take them to the laundry room. I’m just turning the washing machine on, when I remember. With all the chaos of the last few days, I forgot to text Katrice about the job.

_And no matter what happens in the next few days, I’ll need a job. I can’t rely on Chloe or Kate. I want to be part of their lives. I need to contribute to this household with more than friendship and chores. Maybe Chloe and I can talk about it today._

I leave the washing machine behind and return to the front room. “All ready,” I say. Rachel is in the middle of a laugh and I’m struck at how pleasant it is.

_No matter what she did to me the other night, she’s been fucked over by what’s happening. She deserves happiness, too._

“Let me grab my bag,” I say to Chloe as she rises from the couch. I turn, and hurry toward the bedroom. At the entry to the hall, I stop and look back. “Chloe? Could I speak with you a moment?”

“Sure.” She walks around the couch and follows me to the bedroom. “What’s up,” she asks as she closes the door.

I slip my journal and other items into my messenger bag. “What would you think of asking Rachel to come with us?” I keep my eyes on my bag so I don’t see how she responds.

“Is that what you want?”

I nod.

“If ya don’t mind my asking, why?”

“Because… the two of you are friends. It isn’t right that we leave her out of everything. And… even though I don’t like what she did, I feel like I’m coming between the two of you.”

She steps to my side and sits on the bed so I can see her. “How will it make you feel if she comes?”

I pick at the bag strap, then slip it onto my shoulder. “Uncomfortable. You said she is trying to change and… I’d like to support that.”

She seems to think about that for a short time, before she nods and says, “You are hella cool, Max Caulfield.”

“Am not,” I say as I step from the bed. She grins and rises from the bed.

“Am too. You should ask Rachel. It will mean more to her if you do.”

I open the door and walk toward the living room. Rachel is still on the couch, head bent over her phone. At the hall entrance, I stop and look at her.

_She’s so pretty. I know she and Chloe were close while I was gone. I’m sure there’s more to her than I see. And more than how she treated me._

“Rachel,” I say timidly. “Would you like to join us?”

She looks at me with eyes wide and one eyebrow raised. “Do you want me to,” she asks incredulously.

_NO._

_Hush, Max!_

“You stayed home all day yesterday,” I say. “Why not come with us. After all, when were you last in Portland?”

She gives a nervous glance at Chloe then slowly stands, putting her phone into her back pocket as she rises. “Sure,” she says cautiously. “I don’t have any money though.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Chloe says. “I can cover all of us today.”

“Really,” Rachel exclaims. A buzz comes from her and she slips her phone from her back pocket.

_So not only did I bring back her phone, but it still has service?_

I watch as she reads whatever message she received, and sends a response. Another thought occurs to me then.

_My phone also has service._

I pull my phone from the bag and look at it. It seems like my phone. Other than being older, it looks no different than Chloe’s or Kates. I drop the phone in the bag, then walk toward the coat tree.

“Did you or Kate take over the service plan for my phone,” I ask Chloe as I put on my coat.

“No. I always assumed your parents were still paying for the service,” she said. “It was one more way they didn’t let go.”

_My parents… I need to make things right with them._

_Or they need to make things right with me._

We head out the door into the cold. Kate has the car, so we have to walk to the bus stop. Chloe hooks her arm into mine and pulls me close to her. For a moment I want to refuse. I’m awkward around Rachel and showing affection for Chloe amplifies that awkwardness. The tension between Rachel and I makes it worse.

_And… if the two of them were girlfriends, won’t this make her jealous?_

Instead, I push that awkward desire and thought away and slip my arm around Chloe. Rachel was walking behind us, but she hurries to pass and walk ahead of us. The walk to the bus stop takes about five minutes.

It’s a short ride to the diner that Chloe selected. Chloe engages Rachel in conversation while I people watch. In the front of the bus, I catch sight of a long-haired woman who looks familiar. We leave the bus before I can place her.

The diner has kind of a rustic feel when we walk in. Wooden signs weathered to look old, rusty farm equipment, and similar things decorate the walls. Beyond the open greeting area, the restaurant spreads both right and left, with bar seating to the right. A waitress quickly beckons us.

There’s an awkward moment when the three of us reach the table. None of us moves to take a seat. Finally, Chloe slides onto a bench and says, “Sit with me, Max.” The air seems breathable again as I slide next to her. The waitress takes our drink orders after Rachel takes her seat.

Chloe soon has all of us laughing. The menu has entries with funny names that she riffs on. The good spirit persists throughout the meal. Rachel has stopped her incessant staring at me, which makes it easier for me to relax. We even have a brief conversation about her desired modelling career.

“I hope that when this business with Jefferson and his weird friends is done,” Rachel says after a bite of waffle, “that I won’t have such a strong draw to Arcadia Bay.”

“You mean like your guardianship is over,” Chloe asks.

Rachel nods and takes another bite. “Does it pull at you right now,” I ask.

My meal is simple: oatmeal, a fruit plate, and bagel. The restaurant staff made the oatmeal special, with water, because they normally use milk. I compromise a little with the bagel because I’m sure it isn’t vegan. I take another bite of oatmeal as Rachel says, “Yeah, it does. What about you?”

I shake my head. “No. It did five years ago, after… I saved Chloe. Something else pulls me though…” I look out the window as memories of a vibrant town fills my mind. Old fishermen at the diner, the laughter of children in the park, people walking along the sidewalks. Kate holding Lynn in grief.

The mood passes like a cloud across the sun, briefly darkening the area before disappearing. Neither Chloe nor Rachel seem to notice and we turn to other topics.

Before I know it, we’re done and we leave the diner. I am comfortably full and groan as Chloe tries to get us to run. Rachel joins me in resisting and we both laugh at Chloe’s fake anger.

We take another bus to the art show. I join in their conversation this time. So far, the morning has helped me feel more comfortable around Rachel. The moody, secretive air she had around her is gone. My guard isn’t completely down. I think it will take a lot more for that to happen. It’s a good start though.

Like Chloe said, the art show is near Pioneer Square. Large sections of the area were cleared for the displays. Despite the cold, there are a lot of people present. Tall, silver heating devices dot the area. When we wander close to one, its glorious heat radiates over me and I want to stop and stay there all day.

The art exhibit also has a strong pull. Even more so with Chloe wandering among the pieces. While I bask a moment in a heater’s radiance, I admire the way she studies a particular exhibit. Her fingers trace the strong lines and graceful curves of the piece. I study the way her bangs slip from her hat to hang over her eyes. She tucks them away, only for them to escape a moment later when she bends to examine the bottom of the piece. She’s in her element here and the joy on her face, the appreciation she shows each artwork, brings a vibrancy to her that makes me want to rush out and buy supplies so she can create art.

“Have you done any painting or drawing lately,” I ask as we stop in front of a piece. It looks like spray paint and marker on concrete.

“Not for quite some time,” she replies as she studies the work.

“Did they drag these pieces here from somewhere else,” Rachel asks as she steps closer.

“Nah,” Chloe says and saunters her way to another piece. “They built these walls and other things special for the exhibit. Artists came in last week, when it was still warm, and painted them.”

“They are so good,” I say as I jog after Chloe.

“Max?”

The voice pulls me in multiple directions at once. In front of me, I see Chloe slowly turn, a cocky grin as she looks at the brick wall covered in bold colors.

The sounds of the exhibit fade into a rushing sound, that in turn raises into a high-pitched ringing. I turn, and the world slowly revolves with me. Gradually, a person fills my vision. Tall, with long blonde hair and blue eyes, her eyes are wide and move rapidly. A hint of strawberries is in the air.

The world’s sounds explode into my senses and I fall back with a garbled cry. The blonde steps forward and catches my hand. She lets go the moment I steady myself. Chloe is at my side in that instant. “Are you ok,” she asks without a glance at the other woman.

The blonde woman steps away and turns.

“Jess!”

She halts as I cry her name. Her shoulders slump and I push past Chloe toward her.

“Jess?” I whisper her name in disbelief. Memories reach up and pull down my heart into a place that I fear. “What are you doing here?”

She looks at me and again I’m struck at her remarkable similarity to Chloe. An urge to touch her, to hold her seizes me. Laughter rings in my ears and for a moment I taste and smell strawberries.

Sunshine in the park lights up in my mind, along with sad eyes over an ice cream cone. The moment is brief, but powerful. It shakes me to my core and it seems the world falls away.

“I… hoped you could tell me,” she says in her beautiful not-quite-Chloe voice. “I woke up this morning, only I wasn’t in the same place I went to sleep. There were strangers around me. I surprised them and they attacked me. I ran from the house and kept running. And when I stopped? Something pulled at me; it drew me here. What’s going on, Max? Where’s my family?”

I reach for her, but she draws away. Her eyes flit to my side where I find Chloe. “Who are you,” Chloe asks. I open my mouth to tell her.

“Max? Grande triple shot mocha? Where is it?”

The strange voice startles me and I jerk my head to the side. The cold and openness of the art show is gone. I stand in front of a bulky machine with handles and toggles and gauges. On top of it is a large, clear container filled with coffee beans. All around me is the low hum of conversation and background music. The smell of coffee invades my nostrils, replacing the scent of Chloe and paint and marker and concrete dust. Of Jess or Rachel or Chloe there is no sign.

“Earth to Max?” A hand waves in front of my eyes and I jump. A taller woman with long dark hair in a ponytail stands with one hand on her hip. “Where’s the drink, Max?”

A tall, white paper cup is in my hand and there are other cups on the counter next to the machine. “I… um…” I look at the machine, at her, then at my hands.

_I jumped._

_I… thought that was gone when Rachel fixed me!_

My stomach falls away and it seems like the cup weighs a million pounds. All around, the world seems to snap in and out of focus.

_This can’t be happening!_

With everything I have, I fight the emotions that rise to overwhelm me. I raise a trembling hand and place the cup on the grate under a spigot. It skitters and wobbles on the grate but doesn’t topple. I take a breath and let it slowly out.

“I’ll…” I peek at the lady’s name tag. “Have it ready in a moment, Brittany.” My voice is as shaky as my hand.

“Well, you better. You’re behind five drinks and the morning rush is just starting!”

Beyond the machine I see various people waiting, all in business attire. Many of them are focused on their phones, but a few keep glancing my way. The ones who look constantly shift from foot to foot. I lower my eyes to study the writing on the cup.

_Grande triple shot mocha is what Brittany said. How do I make that?_

The dials and buttons and knobs on the device confuse me. None of the labels make any sense. I slowly grasp a lever and pull it. With a hiss, hot liquid starts pouring into the cup.

There’s a soft click as a shutter engages and I look up. Opposite me stands a young couple dressed nicely. The man wears a black tux with an emerald tie and vest. The woman wears a flowing white dress with a tiny tiara on her head. They are posed next to a tree that overlooks a pond. The woman has her hand on the man’s chest and one of his arms is around her.

The coffee shop with its sights and sounds and people is gone. So is the cup I held and the mysterious machine. Instead, a heavy camera weighs down my hands. The change is jarring and I step backwards. The camera wobbles, but I don’t lose hold of it.

_Shit. Another jump!_

“We also want some pictures with the ducks,” a woman says. I blink and notice the people around me. A large group of people form a semi-circle around me. Like the couple, they wear tuxedos and flowing dresses, although one or two buck the trend.

_Am I shooting… a wedding? That’s something I never wanted to do!_

“Ok,” I say slowly. “Ducks.” I look toward the pond, seeking signs of ducks.

Around me, the trees stretch into the sky. Dark clouds scuttle across the deep blue beyond.

_Looks like rain._

I sit up as reality slams into me with the stench of wet, rotting vegetation. Instead of the park and wedding party, trees and the haphazard undergrowth of a forest surround me. Birds and animals make their calls at a distance. What’s lacking is any sight or sound of humans. Except for me.

_A third jump. How many times did I jump last time?_

High above, the breeze stirs the trees into the sound of flowing water. The air is heavy and warm at my level. I sit on a pile of pine needles. A sickly sweet odor hits my nose and I gag. When I raise my shirt over my nose, I gag even more.

_Gross! That stench is from me!_

I tilt my head away, trying to get some clear air. It takes a while for the need to gag stops. When it does, I look at myself. My hands and arms are stained by dirt and more. My clothes are well worn, complete with holes and stains. When I run my fingers through my hair, they get caught on snarls.

_What the hell is happening here? How do I get back to my reality?_

On shaky legs, I stand and lean against a tree. There’s a gnawing hollowness in my stomach. It gurgles and growls its dissatisfaction as it saps my strength. My knees wobble and I throw my arms around the tree to keep from falling.

“Max!”

The voice is faint, almost lost in the sound of the breeze. I look around, but don’t see anyone. It’s all I can do to stand, even with the tree for support. There’s no way I can walk around to find whoever called me.

“So, what do you think?”

“Huh?” I blink and look around. The trees have disappeared and I’m in a convertible, driving fast. To my right the ocean crashes against rocks below. To my left is a handsome man in a t-shirt and jeans with blue hair. Rings go up the outer edge of his ear. He drives the car left handed, his right held out toward me. Beyond him, a forested mountain side whizzes past.

_This is too much! I want it to stop!_

“What? Sorry,” I say and do my best to keep confusion from my voice. “Could you… say it again?”

“No problem,” he says. His voice has a pleasing and familiar quality to it. “I know it throws the last few months of planning out the window, but I think it’s for the best. This weekend, we elope. I’ve got a buddy that can perform the ceremony and it will put to rest all this wedding planning… stuff that has you and your mom at each other’s throats.”

_Wedding!_

I look at him, suddenly uncomfortable.

_Who is this guy? Why does he seem familiar?_

“Oh, shit,” he shouts. The next thing I know, I’m smashed against the car door as he swerves at high speed! My head spins as everything slows down. From the corner of my eye I spy a dark shape. A rapid pounding fills my hearing as my hands tighten on the arm rests.

Then, everything is regular speed again. Over the pounding, I hear the man curse and what sounds like the screech of tires. I’m thrown forward by a sudden stop.

The pounding is now matched by my quick breathing. Colored spots pop in and out of my vision. I look up and blink to clear my sight.

_What is going on? Who is this guy? How do I get home?_

Steam rises from a bowl of soup on the table in front of me. A notepad and pen lay next to it. A hot cup of something is on the other side of the bowl. Like before, there is no sign of car or man or what caused the sudden stop.

_Where am I now?_

A quick glance tells me I’m in a cafe. The table where I sit is in a back corner, with a clear view of the entrance. As I watch, a bearded man enters and moves to the right, out of sight.

“Max.”

The voice hisses from my right. When I look, no one is there.

“We don’t have much time,” she says again.

“Who are you,” I whisper. Two dark shapes become visible then, shapes I recognize.

“Chloe and… well, you.” The armor melts away from the figures revealing Chloe with her eye patch and me.

“Can you-“ I say but reality shifts with a lurch.

And it keeps lurching.

I lay in bed with quickened breath. There’s movement near my thighs.

I walk down street bathed in twilight crowded with people and cars. I tuck some errant hair behind my ear and smile at a passerby.

I step into a crowded room of well dressed people. “Remember love,” Chloe whispers into my ear. “They’re here for you.”

The breeze blends the scents of flowers and fresh rain together. I take a deep breath of the wonderful air.

With each moment, each heartbeat, I am propelled into a new reality. They blur before me into an indistinct mosaic of life. They come faster and faster, without even time for a thought to form! Time loses meaning for me as each reality pummels me. They force themselves into my mind and gouge out my heart until I am like an empty shell tossed hither and thither by them.

Yet, I am not completely empty. Frustration builds in me as the chaos disorients me and pulls me further from where I want to be. Chloe bursts into my mind, a memory of she and I sharing a moment on the sea shore. I don’t know when or where, but that’s not important. What is important is I can feel our connection as we hold hands.

Next comes a lost memory of Kate, dredged from deep within my fractured mind. She softly sings a song as she pours me a cup of tea. When she seats herself, she lays her hand on mine with a gentle smile. Scents of lavender, honey, and sunshine come to me.

I latch onto these memories, these moments of forgotten time. Right now, nothing is as important as those two people. Nothing is as important as being with them!

With gritted teeth I fight the maelstrom of nothingness that spins me around realities that glitter like stars in the night. “Let me go,” I growl. I can hear Chloe’s distinctive laugh. I can feel the warmth and care in Kate’s touch.

“I don’t belong here!”

A cheeky smile after Chloe uses a bad pun.

A delightful song as Kate cleans up.

A touch on my cheek.

A featherlight caress.

These are lifelines to where I belong. I focus on them, on their entire being. They stretch beyond the chaos, unaffected by the tumult that has me caught fast. I follow them, my focus on how they feel. They seem to pulse with a life of their own and it pulls me.

The nothingness begins to take shape. Light molds the emptiness into vague shapes that gradually come into focus. Eyes study me, glittering in my reality brighter than stars. Beyond them lies the clear sky, blue as Chloe’s hair.

Gradually, a reality reasserts itself and takes form. Shapes solidify into bodies, people that stand around or kneel. I reach for them, fearful that if I don’t connect, if I don’t grab someone, I’ll flit away into the maelstrom beyond.

Hands hold my arms. I look to my left to see Chloe, knelt over me. Behind her crowd Rachel and Jess and strangers, so many strangers that stare at me!

It’s hard to mistake their faces. Wide eyes. Mouths open, lips curled. Revulsion. Fear.

Where Chloe touches me, I am real and substantial. The rest of me is not. The Universe pulls at me, at every part of mind and body that Chloe doesn’t touch. I surge toward her, away from the vastness that wants to engulf me.

She topples backward as I leap at her. But her arm saves her, and the other encircles me. I wrap myself around her and shove my face against her neck, where her skin is exposed.

“Don’t leave me,” I whimper. “Don’t let me go.”

The hand on my back pulls me closer to her and she shifts beneath me. Presences loom around me, close and smothering. I peek around her neck to see Rachel and Jess. The strangers have moved away. In the distance I see people wearing the uniforms of medical personnel.

“Take me away,” I whimper.

“You need help,” Chloe said. “Where can we take you to get help?”

“I… don’t know.”

The personnel near and I don’t want them to. They spy us and I swear there’s a tightening around their eyes and the hints of satisfied grins on their faces. “Please, just take me away from here!”

At last, she does. With the other’s help, we rise to our feet and shuffle away from the artwork that witnessed my collapse.

The world shifts and changes as we walk. We’re in Portland. We are not in Portland. We are on Earth. We are somewhere else. The structures around us morph from familiar cityscape to pristine forest to rubble to unfamiliar and more. They distract the eye and cause us to trip and stumble as we pass.

“What the hell is happening,” Rachel hisses. None of us answer. What answer could we give?

The people also change as we walk. The murmur of subdued conversation fades and morphs into other sounds, then back, and again different. People appear and disappear, or resolve into the unfamiliar, the alien. We continue on, hands now tight on each other’s.

Each step, a different place.

Each breath, a plea for stability.

Each heart beat, an anxious hope that it stops.

The changes seem to stop and the world stabilizes. I’m relieved that Pioneer Square surrounds us. Never have I been happier to see brick and stone!

We halt at a bench where I collapse. Chloe comes with me, her hands ever attentive and keeping me on the bench. I lean against her, eyes unfocused as I stare at the people milling around the exhibit entrance.

“So… uh,” Chloe says in a strained voice. “That was hella scary.”

“W-what happened,” I force out.

“Why are you asking us,” Rachel says impatiently. “No, wait. That came out wrong. I’m sorry, Max. I’m just… scared by what we went through.”

I nod, my unfocused eyes still on the smeared blobs of a crowd many feet away. “I mean before that. Jess appeared…” I focus my eyes and look around, sitting away from Chloe as I do.

There she is, kind of behind Chloe. I reach a hand toward her. She takes a small step toward us.

“Who is Jess,” Chloe whispers.

“Someone from another life,” I whisper as Jess comes into view. “From the reality where I… Max lost all her memories.”

Jess shoots Chloe a glance and stays far away from her. “You showed up,” I say with my arm stretched toward her. “And then?”

“She came up to us,” Chloe says loud enough for all of us to hear, “and you… fell apart.”

When she doesn’t continue, I look at Chloe, but her eyes won’t meet mine. When I try, she looks away. “What do you mean,” I gently prod.

“You turned into a sparkling pile of… fragments,” Rachel says. “That’s not the right word, but I don’t know how else to describe it. You were standing, then you crumbled into these… glowing pieces that went everywhere.”

“I thought… we’d lost you,” Chloe whispers.

_Glowing fragments? Pieces?_

I look at Jess and Rachel, but they have nothing else to offer.

My gaze moves beyond them as I try to understand this newest change in my uncontrollable existence. People continue to move in and out of the art exhibit. The medical personnel, who seemed so creepy, have vanished.

As I watch, new people appear. Then more and my eyes narrow.

_They didn’t walk into view. They…_

More and more people appear, always in ones or twos. I sit back with a gasp as I recognize the newcomers.

“What’s the matter,” Chloe asks.

Three more people appear. Three wearing outfits I recognize. They slowly turn until they face us. One raises an arm and flicks a finger in our direction, then they begin to walk toward us. Their appearance has stolen my speech for the moment. When they get close, Chloe swears and stands, placing herself in front of me.

“Rachel,” she hisses. Rachel moves to Chloe’s side and I see a faint glow appear around her hands.

The sight of Rachel’s power manifesting returns my voice to me. “No,” I cry and stand. I push my way between them, though Chloe tries to hold me back.

Only a few feet away, the figures stop. Dull black material covers them from head to toe, all angular and curvy, it hides who they are completely. But I recognize the insignia on the leftmost one.

The strange armor melts away, streaming from their heads and bodies in little rivulets to their back. Opposite us stands Chloe with one eye and a Lynn who looks like she doesn’t want to be here.

In between them stands me, face thin and pale. She’s not fully recovered from her five-year imprisonment.

“I hope you know what’s going on,” one-eyed Chloe says to me. “Because we know fuck all and it’s getting worse.”


	31. Here After

Beyond the trio, I see more people appearing and disappearing. Maxes and Chloes and others from realities I may have visited, may even now be a part of. “W-what do you mean,” I say distractedly. Through the crowds that constantly shift, I suddenly spy the medical personnel again! Their heads turn this way and that.

“A few days ago,” one-eyed Chloe said, “Max told me to find Lynn. Since that day, all shit has broken loose.” The smell of strawberries, sweet and delicate, hangs in the air. The other Chloe continues speaking, but is interrupted by the ground shifting violently sideways!

The sudden shift knocks all of us off our feet. We sprawl to the ground as it shifts this way and that way. It rolls and tumbles us about like playthings. Each time the tremors pause we attempt to climb to our feet, but the earth jerks again sending us back down! Over and over this happens, the land in constant motion jerking this way and sliding that way. It doesn’t buckle or tremble or rise. Rather, it’s like a carpet pulled from underneath our feet. Or maybe like shifting a fully loaded table sideways then back again and again. The light dims and the temperature plummets as the shaking continues. I struggle to brace myself but the land continues to shift. Each movement jerks my arms or legs from under me and I crash to the ground to be tumbled around by the motion.

Screams and yells split the air around us, punctuated by crashes and shrieking and many other sounds. I clamp my hands over my ears, to no avail as the sound pierces through them. I’m like a ball in a machine, carried here and there by the whims of the earth. After what seems an eternity, the jarring slows and disappears. I slowly uncoil myself from the protective ball I formed.

“What.the.hell,” Chloe exclaims. I look over to see she’s already on her knees, though in the dim light it’s hard to tell. And I’m shivering so hard I’m not exactly sure she’s even up. She points to the sky and I dizzily follow her finger.

What I see strikes me with a numbness that steals my breath and my thoughts. In the sky, so numerous they blot out the sun, are planets. No, not planets: Earths! Some are so close the continents and islands are visible as they hang above us.

A hand on my shoulder shakes me from the stupor that binds me. Chloe, with two eyes, looks at me with eyes that can’t focus on one thing. “What the fuck is going on?”

Words elude me. Even if I had them, I don’t know if I could speak. Everything is weird right now. I’m pulled by forces above and below and at any moment I fear I’ll be ripped from this earth. Over Chloe’s shoulder, I see Rachel entranced by the view above. Of Jess and the others there is no sign. Dust and smoke fill the air, burning our nostrils and lungs. I wrap my arm around my face as a coughing fit takes me. Sirens and alarms call out around us, but their keening is distant and muted.

Hands grasp my shoulders and jostle me. Chloe looks at me, her blue eyes fixed on mine. It’s like I’ve never noticed just how clear her eyes are as they gaze at me. Blue and crystalline, they pull me toward her, out of myself, and into the moment.

Life comes crashing in with angry sounds, high pitched shrieks and wailing. I’m looking everywhere, at everything as it explodes in my senses and rips across my soul! Screams echo from the buildings around us, mixed with alarms and sirens.

A soft touch on my cheek guides my gaze gently back to those amazing blue eyes. Her forehead touches mine. “Max, come back to me,” Chloe begs. “We need you.” Despite the tumult and cacophony, her whispered words focuses my attention, piercing the din.

“I’m here,” I reply and try to her the center of my world. “But…” I can’t put into words the thoughts that plague me. The destruction around us pulls at my thoughts and feelings. It wants to consume me, or maybe I want it to do that, because I know one truth: all of this destruction and ruin and pain happened because of me.

“Max,” she repeats, “I… I need you. Focus on me.” I try, but the ruins and screams and smells all around seek my eyes, my heart.

**_If you let me out, I’ll fix all of this._** Her whispers slip into my heart and around Chloe’s soothing touch.

_I can’t let you out. You’ll make it worse._

** _Your standing here doing nothing makes it worse. At least I’ll take action and do something!_ **

“Max,” Chloe whispers again. “Are you here? Are you with me?”

“I-I’m with you,” I say and do my best to thrust Her away. The light gets brighter as we talk and I look up. One by one, the other Earths are disappearing. They vanish without a sound, as suddenly and mysteriously as they came. And remarkably, without causing the earth to shake us off our feet again.

“Does she know what’s happening,” Rachel calls as she looks toward the wreckage that was the art exhibit.

“Max!” Kate’s cry pulls me from Rachel’s words. A moment later, her arms surround both of us. “You’re… you’re ok,” She whispers with a smile. Her smile reveals smudges on her cheeks. I want to wipe them away, but I don’t want to disturb her embrace.

“Lynn saw it happen a few minutes in advance,” she says with her warm voice. “We came as fast as we could.” Her eyes stray beyond us and I know the moment she sees the wreckage. Her arms go slack and she takes a step back.

“Oh, no! We have to help!” Before Chloe or I can say anything, Kate moves around us and runs toward the exhibit. A small part of me mocks my inaction. It’s something I should have done, not wait for Kate to kick me into gear. Because that’s what it does. Before she gets ten feet, I’m following her. I glance back to see both Chloe and Rachel jogging behind us. Lynn trudges behind them, head swiveling this way and that.

The scene is overwhelming. The dust has settled on toppled walls, shattered masonry, steel twisted into pieces, signs, and more. Smoke rises from many places, sometimes with gouts of flame. Kate pauses, then darts toward the nearest person trapped under the debris. We join her in digging the man free. Other people trickle into the area and begin clearing rubble.

** _This will take too long. Let me out and I’ll make it so this never happened._ **

Her desire to help disturbs me. Only a few days ago She delighted in destruction, why is She trying to help now?

_No._

** _Fine!_ **

Red dots explode into my vision, accompanied by a pain so intense I drop whatever I’m holding and scream!

** _I’ll make this right!_ **

The world around me fades into a haze of reds and browns and a fire that burns. It spreads out from my core, consuming my entire mind and heart and soul.

_No!_

** _I’ll do what you won’t!_ **

Suddenly, She rends me from bottom to top, tearing through my mind and body with an intensity I’ve seldom felt! With a cry felt not heard, I scrabble to hold myself together as She attacks with a ferocity long held in check. Inside, I am shaking as violently as the earth shook only moments ago. The fact the fire disappeared is no comfort in the face of this.

I am plunged into a darkness and cold that numbs even my mind. It’s so cold my existence locks in place.

The dull grey of cracked concrete comes into focus. Fragments of sidewalk and dust are stirred by my breaths. Dark blots speckle the sidewalk underneath me. “Max,” Chloe says from a great distance. There’s a weight on my back that might be her hand. Or the world, I don’t know.

My head tilts to look around bringing new pain that blurs the world. To my left is Rachel, only a few feet away. “Un… lock my powers!” The command hisses from a mouth I no longer control.

_No! I won’t allow it!_

I struggle against the cold and pain and darkness that holds me.

“Unlock them so I can fix this!” In the confines She has constructed, I scream as she uses my voice. With a surge of anger, I burst through the prison! Round and round we go as She seeks to usurp, to dominate. The fetters She seeks to bind me with whither away as I hit them with all that I am.

“No,” I shout as I lay on my side. Already, Rachel’s hand is close to me. More colors explode in my vision and fearsome sounds burst from me as I roll away from that hand.

**_It’s always the same with you._** Her voice lacks the soft suggestion of before. Its vitriol burns me with the passion she normally shows. **_You were a destroyer when you began and that’s all you’ll ever be!_**

“No.” The single word slips from trembling lips, a weak denial of the truth. Beyond my outstretched arm, I see people laying under tons of rubble brought by the earthquakes; quakes certainly caused by the sudden appearance of many Earths in close orbit. And they were only here because of me.

No one and nothing else can corrupt reality the way I can.

She slips toward me as I lay on the ground, chest heaving from the truths that I want to deny. But I see Her coming. I know Her as well as She knows me. Before She can attack, I leap to my feet with a cry.

“I will not let you have me,” I shout. With barely a thought, I turn and run. Before I take two steps, I’m in the stillness where I am safe from reality. But not safe from Her for I hear Her growl of anger.

Unexpectedly, wind flicks hair across my eyes. I pull it back to see I stand on a bluff. The sights and sounds of Portland in the midst of disaster are gone. Instead, white-capped waves play on the grey water below. I know that if I turn, the lighthouse will be there behind me. In the distance, the town is nestled against the bay, untouched, like the morning I met Chloe for breakfast. My heart pounds, pounds, pounds, stifling the sounds that reach me!

_How can I be in Portland one moment, then in Arcadia Bay?_

It doesn’t make sense, but then little has in the last few years. From this distance I can barely make out morning traffic, if you can consider three cars traffic. A few people, so tiny from here, walk the waterfront.

“It’s a truth you will never see again,” She says from behind me. I don’t bother to look at Her. The town captivates me, so healthy and vibrant. So unaware. The longer I look at the town of my youth, the slower my heart beats. Finally, it returns to a regular pace, which allows me to hear the cars and people, although faint at this distance. The town lives a life it hasn’t enjoyed since before the storm.

_Since before I returned to Arcadia Bay._

I close my eyes to better savor the experience of a lost past. Pictures of people flit through my mind, bits of memory trapped in my head: Joyce taking my order in the diner, Samuel working on the sprinklers, Frank in his RV at the beach, Wells on his porch and so many others. A longing forms within me, a yearning for a simpler time where I didn’t bear the weight of the universe, or universes.

The wood of the railing begins to cut into my hands as that longing is replaced by shame and anguish. The scenes, so beautiful and inspiring moments ago, transform into ugly moments that rend my heart. The pounding of my heart drowns the faint sounds of town as I bow beneath the weight that piles on.

_None of them deserved that fate and I did nothing to stop it._

I take a trembling breath and force myself to focus on how my body responds.

_They deserved better… better from me._

The air wants to explode from me as I hold it. It strains my chest, my lungs and there’s an incessant need to exhale.

_And I will find a way to give it to them._

Slowly, I let the air escape. With it goes the tension. Behind me, I feel Her presence. I ignore Her and repeat the exercises until finally my heart resumes a regular beat.

“Who are you,” I whisper when I can tell my emotions are in a better state.

Her silence forces me to open my eyes. Not far away, She leans backward against the railing, hands bracing Her as she tilts Her head to gaze at the sky. A light brown zip-up hoodie is Her only protection from the chill wind. Underneath it, I spy one of my t-shirts. When her head tilts, the hood falls away exposing her head fully to the wind. It blows Her brown hair into Her face which She ignores.

“I already told you once,” She says carelessly, Her words tossed around by the breeze. “You fail to pay attention.”

She leans forward and pushes away from the railing. With a tug on Her hoodie to straighten it, She tilts Her head to the side and smiles. It’s not that hideous smile of earlier, but still unsettling. “Why do you avoid making the real decisions, the ones that matter?”

“What,” I ask, startled. A storm ravaging a town while I watch from this very spot fills my mind. “I don’t do that!”

She laughs at my answer, a mocking sound that raises the hair on my arms and neck. With a hand held out palm up, She says, “Really? If Chloe or Kate were here right now, dying, and the only way to save them was to let someone else die, what would you do?”

The question makes me squirm and I turn away from Her. The waves below, ever changing as they crash against the bluff, seem more comforting right now. Again and again they crash into the rocks, sending their spray high into the air. From up here I can feel the faint vibrations of their power. There’s a voice in the waves, calling me to them. “What would you do,” She hisses in my ear.

I duck away from Her and walk around the lighthouse, arms clutched against my front. I know what I would do, what I’d want to do, but I don’t want to acknowledge it. To even think it makes my stomach churn.

“You did it once,” She calls after me. “And now you’re… too weak or spineless or cowardly to do it!”

Suddenly, She’s in front me! She grabs my upper arms and stares into my eyes. “And that’s why I’m here,” She jeers. “To do what you won’t!” Just as suddenly, She lets go of my arms and turns to gaze at the sea. “It’s a shame really,” She mutters, “You had such potential, only to throw it all away.”

“Excuse me,” I say and step in front of Her. “Potential? What are you talking about?”

That smile slowly returns to Her face. “You don’t remember, do you,” She mocks. “Where do you think you are right now?”

“Arcadia Bay, in the past before I… the storm destroyed it.”

She laughs. And laughs. It doubles Her over and She falls to the ground clutching Her midriff. It rankles me and I want to storm away, but I stay. The laughter continues for many minutes before it subsides. She drags herself to Her feet, wiping tears and snot from her face.

“You don’t fucking get it, do you,” she hoarsely taunts. “Let’s go back to the beginning and see it again.”

I shudder at Her words and step away. “No!” The storm blooms again in my mind atop the water beyond us.

“Not there,” She sneers. “You’re too predictable. Let’s go where it really began.”

The world shifts, or maybe I do, and the light of midday is replaced by darkness. Overhead, stars twinkle through a thin cloud cover. The moon bathes the land around me in a faint light that exaggerates the shadows that loom on all sides.

An overwhelming grief takes me as I stand in the midst of my legacy. It called to me over and over as Chloe and I fled. It tore at my mind and heart no matter how much Kate tried to heal it.

“Why?” cry the broken walls.

The buckled streets scream, “Murderer!”

And beyond them lay the hundreds or thousands of people who had no choice, no say in what happened to them. Didn’t they deserve to live? Didn’t they at least deserve a voice in the matter? Voices that I stole?

Through the haze that clouds my sight I see the tilted wreckage of the diner. The sign, once a beacon of hope and good memories, lays twisted and broken on the roof. Even now I hear the whispers of Joyce and Warren and Frank and others who took refuge on that fateful day. They curse me and damn me for my selfishness, for my unwillingness to save them. They call for me to join them, to at least give them that much.

All of these images and voices and memories freeze me in place and pull at my heart. It’s all I can do to remain standing amidst the death that I caused. I crushed dreams and so much more. Though the event happened months in the past, they led me here, dragged me against my will. I am the puppet and they pulled the strings.

“Maxine Caulfield.”

I tense, not so much at the use of my full name, but at whose voice says it. I slowly turn until Mark Jefferson is fully visible. He stands several feet away, arms crossed and leaning against a broken wall. “I knew you’d come back eventually,” he says. “An artist can never resist revisiting their masterpiece.”

The words and esteem in his voice make me bristle and the sadness that filled my heart a moment ago flees as anger flashes through me. I open my mouth to deny it, but a cooler thought intrudes before I can speak. “What nonsense are you spouting,” I hiss through gritted teeth.

He steps away from the wall and spreads his hands wide. “Look around you,” praises Jefferson. “Surprise. Last moments. Pure, abject terror. I sought the perfect state of innocence lost, but you…” He steps forward, sweeping his hands to the sides in a revealing gesture. “You transcended that by striking to the heart of who a person is. The only flaw in your masterpiece is no one captured those moments.”

He takes another step toward me and I back away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, don’t be coy,” he smoothly says. “Your secret is safe with me, but it’s not a secret anymore. I know, Max. I know about your rewind.”

The way he says that word ruins it. A sour burning forms in the back of my throat. His admission freezes the breath within me and I don’t know what to do!

“Yes,” he says and glides forward. “I know. Just think of what we could do together with our artistry? And with me there, your masterpieces will always be documented, always captured in that perfect moment.”

Jefferson speaks low and soft, almost a purr, like he’s attempting to seduce me. It riles my guts and I clamp a hand over my stomach. “Get away from me, creep,” I say. “I want nothing to do with you!”

“Really, Max? But we have so much in common.” He slides closer, oozing his particular charm. But it’s like a poisonous aura to me and I recoil in disgust.

“We’re the perfect match. You just-“ he raises his hand toward me and I slip into the stillness. He has nothing to say I want to hear.

Only, it’s not the stillness.

In that moment where time stops, there is a resounding cracking sound! It sends me to my knees, head reeling like someone struck me! Ever so slowly, I clamp my hands over my ears as the sound crashes through me. The earth shakes from its force, nearly tumbling me to the mud and the dirt and the grime.

The instant I cover my ears the sound fades, and I slowly lower my hands.

Arcadia Bay is not what it was, nor what it is. Before my eyes, it reforms and fragments and distorts into multiple possibilities. The buildings overlap and shift when I focus on them, giving the appearance of movement. And not all the buildings are recognizable. Some are of strange shapes and unknown colors. And some don’t exist at all.

A voice calls out, neither mine nor Jefferson. I look to the side, where he stands frozen in the stillness. A faint glow outlines his hands. Beyond him, I see people moving in the stillness. They draw close, their faces obscured by a strange light that emanates from within them. The voice speaks again; it comes from the person in front. When I don’t respond, the group stops and looks at each other. Low sounds come to my ears as they seem to speak to each other.

_Who are these people that can enter the stillness with me?_

Their clothes look like nothing I’ve ever seen. The light that surrounds them prevents me from getting a good look at them. For a moment, my eyes rest on Jefferson. Like the buildings, he too is altered, a blur of Jeffersons. The unease he causes strengthens the longer I look so I move further away.

The unease doesn’t help the feelings these newcomers evoke. “Who are you,” I call. The nervousness causes my voice to shake and crack.

The closest one looks up at my words and I could swear smiles. There’s another moment of strange sounds, then all turn and head in my direction. They stop a few feet away, with Jefferson between us and to the side.

“We are here for the one who violated the principles of time.” The person’s voice seems to come from a great distance. There is a flat quality to it, almost mechanical. “You have two options: come with us or die.”

“What!” The word explodes from me, sending me a step backwards. “Who are you?”

“Who we are is irrelevant. Which do you choose?”

I look at the leader, then the others. The light around them masks most of their features. They seem as creepy as Jefferson and I want nothing to do with them.

With a gesture at Jefferson, I reply, “How about neither. Take this guy if you’re going to take anyone.”

“It is you we will take. Since you will not choose, we will choose for you.” The leader takes a step closer and raises their hand.

Without warning, I collapse to the ground! The fall and impact make no sound and there is no pain when I hit the dirt. If I even did hit the ground. My arms and legs seem weightless while my head has an airiness to it that makes me think of a balloon. The sensation spreads through me and no matter what I try, my body doesn’t respond. “Wait,” I cry in my panic. “What are you doing?”

The leader stands over me now. This close, I see clues that suggest the person is a woman, but so much about the features gives her an other-worldly feel. “You did not choose,” she says slowly, “so we chose for you. One who wields power like you do, unrestrained, untrained, and uncontrolled, cannot be left alone. Death is the easiest route for you.”

Immediately, thoughts of Kate and Chloe rush into my mind. _I can’t fail them again! I can’t… I can’t leave them! _“Wait! No! I can change! I can learn!” The sky above lightens as I speak. Since it’s late at night, that oddity sends a bolt of fear through me! “Give me a chance!”

She crouches next to me. “And what would you offer? To come with us into exile?”

With a gulp, I beg, “Teach me! Train me so I’m not uncontrolled.”

Her eyes study my face, then move downward. After a moment, they return to mine. She opens her mouth and emits those strange sounds. Responses come from the others and she nods. With a gesture, she stands and beckons me.

The weightlessness is gone and I awkwardly climb to my feet. I brush myself off and look at the strange woman in front of me. “Here is our final offer,” she says and her voice is suddenly human-like. “You will be exiled into the time stream, healing the breach you caused. There you will study within its guidance. We will monitor your progress and release you once you have learned control and mastery.”

“And if I don’t accept,” I say with a shiver.

“Death.”

“Send me into the breach,” I say. _At least I’ll live and hope to see Kate and Chloe again._

She nods and waves at me.

Around me, the world shifts and tilts. It stretches into the spectrum of colors and matter that form all things.

The colors twist and blur and reform into more solid shapes. A mirror on a wall. Rectangular bits of paper are taped next to it. A voice speaks, my voice.

“My name is Max Caulfield.

I am 21 years old.

I am a 3rd year photography student.

My parents are Ryan and Vanessa Caulfield of Seattle.”

In the mirror is reflected a brown-haired girl with freckles. Her eyes flick from the mirror to the card and back. I reach out and tap the mirror with a finger. The sound and feel of glass is my response.

“That’s not how it happened,” I say and the room fades into the blue-grey of the Pacific Ocean. Birds chase the air currents and dive into the water. When they rise into the sky, fish hang from their beaks.

“Ok, mighty time lord,” She sasses, “tell me what really happened then!”

The plain hoodie and jeans are gone when I look at Her. She leans over the railing, elbows on the wobbly boards, and seems to study the water below. A plain black dress clings to Her in a way I hate. Already my skin recoils from the memory of the tight-fitting cloth. I know she chose that outfit to undermine me in some way for I saw that possibility too and rejected it.

“The part about Jefferson is right, I think,” I slowly say. “And the town was still in ruins. That confused me when I was there. It was six months later and it seemed no one tried to clear the wreckage. You left out the smell.”

I wrinkle my nose at the thought and turn away from Her. Thankfully, the tang of the ocean mixed with pine blows my way. It replaces the putrid smell my memory dredged forth.

“That’s it,” She splutters. “You say I told it wrong, and that’s all you can come up with?”

“Hold on,” I say as anger flares in me. I push it aside with a long exhale so it doesn’t take over.

“Tell me then,” She presses. She stands and in a moment is in my space. Her presence presses against me and causes shudders to run up my spine. “Tell me if you know!”

I back away from Her, rubbing my arms and trying not to be taken in by her taunts.

“It’s not that easy,” I mutter. “Everything after Jefferson seems… off. It seems true but it doesn’t feel true.”

“You can’t shape the future or the past to fit your beliefs or feelings,” She presses. “It just is and doesn’t care.”

“You said I didn’t see my potential and that’s why you took me back to the beginning,” I say in an attempt to stall for time. “I didn’t see anything of the sort.”

She’s silent for a time. Her eyes stay fixed on me as I try to look unconcerned, and likely fail. “It was the beginning of all things,” She whispers, “but you appear too… “ She mutters something I can’t quite hear.

“That moment,” She continues and steps away from both me and the railing. “Was pivotal. It set you on the path to here, now. And it confirmed a pattern.”

“A pattern?”

She turns her back to me and walks to the lighthouse. Uncertain what She intends, I stay where I am. She kneels and picks up something, then stands and leans against the block wall. I lean my backside against the railing and watch Her. The sun is angling toward the horizon and she squints against the glare.

She holds a fist into the air, while the other fidgets with whatever She picked up. “Frank in the junkyard. The intent was enough,” She says and flips a finger up. “Chloe in the other timeline.” Another finger pops up. “Frank at the beach, though you rewound that one.” A third finger. “Jefferson in the… bunker. You rewound that to watch several times, though ultimately you rewound and stopped David.” Her pinky pops into the air. “That leaves your masterpiece, as Jefferson called it: the whole town itself.” Her thumb flips out and she smiles.

“You,” She slowly says, “Are an agent of death, either dealing it yourself, or assisting others to do it.”

“NO!” I deny her words vehemently, but Her smile only brightens.

“Oh, yes,” She enthuses. “You are. That’s your pattern. And that’s where I come in.”

“You! You’re the one who likes to kill!”

She shakes Her head. “Again, it’s not that simple. And now…” she looks into the sky which has rapidly darkened, though that shouldn’t happen for a few hours. “Now, our time here draws to a close, Max. You are destruction, entropy given flesh if you will. What would happen if entropy was allowed to exist unchecked?”

With a glance at the sky, She steps away from the Lighthouse. The t-shirt, hoodie, and jeans return with that step. “When you return, you need to ask yourself: what is real and what isn’t? What reality would I want to reject so much, that just the thought of it would make me question my existence?”

“Max, you ok?”

Chloe’s question jars my existence. I’m no longer on the bluff overlooking the Pacific with another Max that wants to play mind games. In front of me stands a road separator with bold lines swirled over it. It’s an abstract piece in the midst of portraits of different civil rights leaders. I take a step backward as the shift to the art exhibit leaves me confused. Her last words ring in my ears.

“Yes,” I say distractedly as I look around.

_It’s the art exhibit we went to, but I don’t remember this piece. Does that mean I returned before all those… earths appeared?_

“You sure?” Chloe whispers. She stands close to me, her brow wrinkled in worry.

I only give her a glance as I look around. Rachel is to our right, engrossed in some portrait on brick. _Will the… weird stuff with the multiple earths happen again?_

“Hey.” Her gentle tone is layered with other emotions that pull my eyes to hers. “We’ve been here four hours, we don’t have to stay all day.”

_Four hours?!_

The surprise must be writ on my face because Chloe gets a huge grin. “It went fast,” she quips, “and I got a lot of inspiration. You’re right. I don’t do enough art anymore. I’m gonna change that!”

_I… don’t remember that conversation._

“But now, let’s get lunch,” she says and slips an arm around my waist. I snuggle against her as we walk toward Rachel. “Lunch,” Chloe says to her with a flick of her head.

“This piece is amazing,” Rachel says before tearing herself away. We walk through the exhibit, passing the heaters whose warmth I savor. Then, we’re walking down a sidewalk toward the bus stop.

_Four hours. That’s… that means the multiple earths never happened! Or… I’m in another time line. Or something else._

I study both Chloe and Rachel as we walk. If I am in a different timeline, surely there must be a way to know! But what?

“Will Kate and Lynn be joining us for lunch,” I ask as we wait at the bus hut.

“Nah,” Chloe says. “They have the whole day planned out. Lynn was stoked for the whole thing. I haven’t seen her that excited in a while.”

“That’s good,” I reply, though I kind of wish they would join us. Doubt about where I am is eating me up and I need both Chloe and Kate right now. I look up at my blue-haired girlfriend and admire her profile.

She smirks and says, “Take a picture.”

“I am,” I say, ignoring the weight of the camera in my shoulder bag. The bus arrives then and we board it. The bus is crowded and we barely find room in the middle. I’m crammed between Rachel and Chloe. The latter I don’t mind, especially since she keeps one arm around me. I lean into her, letting her presence seep into me. Around us is the chatter of people, the hiss of music from headphones and earbuds, and the dull roar of the bus.

The rest of the afternoon passes slowly. The incident at the exhibit has me distracted. Her words weigh on my heart. We lunch at a small cafe where Chloe and Rachel seem to have a good time. They laugh and tell jokes, discuss music and the exhibit. Me? I’m lost in a haze where I try to figure out what is real. Those words really got to me. I’m not really paying attention and I think Chloe knows that. They probably both know. How could they miss it with my vague answers and constant requests for clarification when they include me in the discussion?

Lunch seems to end before it begins and the three of us walk to the bus hut. Like before, I’m wrapped around Chloe in her big coat and Rachel walks on the other side of her. We part ways at the busstop, with Rachel heading home. When I ask where we’re going, Chloe just smiles and changes the topic. After a single transfer, I learn.

We walk along a bark-covered path in a park. Insulated cups of steaming hot chocolate warm our hands. The coffee shop only used recycled goods that are easily compostable. That brought a smile to me as we stood in line. And now we walk along the meandering path amidst wide swaths of dormant lawn and evergreen shrubs. Chloe with her blue hair is the only thing not green around us.

I reach up to tuck an errant strand under her hat. She smiles and takes a sip of her drink. “What’s on your mind,” she asks as my hand falls to my side.

“How great it is to be with you,” I answer.

She gives me a little playful shove. “Much as I like the compliment,” she says, “there’s more than that on your mind.”

Instead of answering, I run ahead with a chuckle. I don’t want to talk about my day and what’s been dragging my thoughts down. We did enough of that this morning. She doesn’t give chase though, and I soon slow down and resume my regular pace. It doesn’t take long for her to catch up with me and we walk in silence along the path.

In the spring and summer this park must be beautiful. Dormant plants line the path and there are a lot of barren planters. In my mind, I picture them filled with flowering shrubs and plants, blues and oranges and yellows and many other colors. Much better than the drab of winter.

We stop at a fountain whose water is turned off and I seat myself on the wide, flat rim. A few leaves which escaped the groundskeepers tumble across the ground, pushed by the light breeze. I watch them roll and jitter across the ground, subject to the whims of the air.

“Hey,” she tries again with a light tone.

“Hey.” In contrast, mine is heavy and dry.

“What’s been eating you?”

_Not you._

Heat rushes into my face and neck at the thought. “I-I why do you think something’s wrong?” The words trip over themselves as I try to keep my thoughts on the moment. _Where did that thought even come from?_

“At the exhibit you were so fucking excited to see all the art! You asked a lot of questions and really inspired me to think about my own art. Then… you zoned out for a long time,” she says. “When you stopped, you were suddenly this quiet, distracted person. Somewhat like you were this morning. What happened?”

I sip my hot chocolate. The drink is nearly gone so I tilt my head back and drain it. _Better one long drink than a cold one._

The cup makes a hollow thunk when I set it on a brick next to me. “It’s what I shared before,” I say with my eyes fixed on the path that meanders away from us. “It doesn’t feel like I’m really here, that this is where I belong. When I’m with you and Kate, especially when you touch me or hold me, it does feel real. Then… it changes. It’s like I can never be certain this is real, that I won’t blink and be somewhere else.”

_Is that what she meant? Is that fear really me denying something?_

While I speak, my hands come together and my fingers begin twirling around each other. Chloe places a hand on mine and keeps me from twisting my fingers into a knot. Or worse.

“Did something happen at the exhibit?”

I open my mouth, then close it. My left hand leaves the tangle to begin tracing the cracks on the brick next to me. Traffic makes for strange background noise as we sit in the park. I wish it was spring so we could hear birds instead. Many tiny cracks cover the brick. Short, jagged holes that wander its surface and transform it into a unique piece. My finger traces each one.

“I… had a strange visit,” I say. With my eyes on my questing finger, I tell Chloe about the weird experience with myself, Other Max. She listens with a question here or there. They are mostly to encourage me to continue whenever I trail into silence.

When I finish, the sun is just above the horizon. The short, winter days with their cold and darkness used to bring me joy. That was when I was a kid though, long before all this shit. Now, they signal an unknown future hurtling toward me, a future I don’t know if I want.

We sit in silence in the dwindling light. Chloe finished her drink during my story and kept herself busy playing with the cup. It twirls and dances on her finger tips. She taps the bottom which sends it into the air to tumble end over end until she catches it.

“How can I help,” she finally asks. “I want to help, I just don’t know how.”

With a long sigh, I reply, “I don’t know if you can do more than you already are. I lived five years in other realities. I’ve bounced among an untold number of worlds and people. I… don’t know what’s real any more. I… think doing what you always do is the way to help.”

I lean forward and place my face on my palms. If only blocking out reality and my problems were this simple. A moment later, fingers begin tracing lovely patterns along my back. Immediately, I respond by arching my back toward the fingers. It’s so delightful, I can’t repress a shudder that runs through me. Her fingers keep moving, not too hard and not too soft. A soft sound of contentment escapes me.

“That feels so good,” I purr.

“I’m glad it does,” Chloe says.

“Do you think Janice will be ok if I don’t accept the job,” I say in an attempt to change the subject. With all the weighty things that press against me, a topic as mundane as a job seems pleasant in comparison.

“Janice,” Chloe asks. “Who’s Janice?”

I immediately sit up and look at her, barely noticing that her hand falls away. “Your boss,” I exclaim.

“My boss’s name isn’t Janice,” Chloe says with a funny look. “It’s Dana. Don’t you remember saying you went to school with a girl named Dana?”

A shiver runs through me and I swear my jaw is on the ground. I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry or do something completely different! In the end, all I can do is whisper, “I’m… in the wrong place.”

“What?” Chloe looks at me confusedly. “What do you mean the wrong place. This is where you belong, you said so the other day!”

“I’m in the wrong place!”

“When you return, you need to ask yourself: what is real and what isn’t?” Her words return to me as a mocking echo in my mind.

A need to move lays hold of me and I abruptly stand and begin pacing in front of the dry fountain. Thoughts and memories explode in my head preventing any clear thought.

Back and forth. Back and forth.

_What is real? What isn’t?_

Walk, turn, repeat. Walk, turn, repeat.

_What am I denying? Will this nightmare ever end?_

A sudden stop to my movement interrupts my thoughts. I look up into Chloe’s face so close to mine. “Max,” she whispers. “I’m… sorry you’re in the wrong place. I…” An indescribable look passes over her and the words I said take on a different meaning.

_Oh, fuck! I just implied that I’m not supposed to be here. That we aren’t supposed to be together!_

“Chloe-“ Words I want to say won’t come. She gives an awkward, shy kind of smile. Fingertips brush my cheek.

“Max,” she whispers and the way she says my name, as only she can, calms the turmoil in my mind. There’s a presence to her that soothes me, grounds me really. She smiles, a half-lit delight in the dwindling evening light. “You are dealing with something big, bigger than me, you, than this whole damn world. And I…”

Chloe tilts her head to rest her forehead against mine. “I’m so fucking glad to be a part of it. You may think you’re in the wrong place, that you aren’t my Max. But I’m gonna tell you, Caulfield. No matter who you are, or when, you are always my Max.” And that smile weaves a spell on my heart, or perhaps it binds what is there and makes it stronger.

Because in that moment, I believe what she says. The doubts and fears that Other Max placed in my mind and heart melt beneath the way Chloe looks at me. They flee from Her presence as she stabilizes me.

“Ok,” I whisper, caught in the strength of her being. There is no doubt with her, no half-hearted attempts. With Chloe you’re either all in or all out. She folds me into her arms and I push aside the fact that the scents of oil and cigarettes and weed don’t cling to her.

We are Max and Chloe. Always.


	32. Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: major character death

We stand close together in the dimming light for a few minutes. It’s nice to be here, so close to Chloe and with my focus only on her. Together like this it’s like she’s my only world. When she straightens, I’m a little disappointed but her arms shift and her hands slide into my back pockets. She pulls me tight against her with a grin and begins swaying back and forth. The sways turn into steps and she rocks us in a circle with exaggerated stiffness.

I laugh and look up at her. “What are you doing, goofball?”

“Taking care of my dork,” she says with a wide grin. I tighten my arms around her and try to follow along without falling. A few times she lifts me into the air and I let out a sharp “eep!” That makes her laugh.

After one of those lifts, when she sets me on my feet, she tilts her head to again touch my forehead with hers. The light of day is gone and the few stars out do nothing to help. Yet, there’s a light between us that lets me see her as she leans me back slightly.

Her lips touch mine and one of her hands slides up my back. I lean into the kiss as if it’s the first time, shy and nervous, with electricity flowing through my veins. And perhaps it is because she’s not the Chloe I woke up with, and I’m not her Max. I thrust that thought from my mind before it can ruin the moment.

Chloe takes it all in, and pours herself into the kiss in return. My hands are around her back and shoulders, clinging to her. We stay in that kiss, hands roaming, legs buckling, for an age untold.

We part with a gasp and a laugh, well more a giggle. And that’s from me. She gives me that cocky grin and leans in as if for another. I wait expectantly, but she kisses my nose and whispers, “boop.” I giggle again and that grin of her grows to encompass all reality.

“Let’s say we get home, or at least some place warmer,” she says, “before we have anymore fun.”

I groan and pout but agree. “I think you’d keep me warm no matter where we were. But someplace softer would be nice.”

“Are you trying to say I’m boney, Caulfield,” she teases as she hooks her arm in mine. We turn toward the path and begin a slow walk.

“I can’t tell under that great puffy coat, Price,” I reply.

“Hmmm,” she says and I see her looking at me from the corner of my eye. “Maybe… I need to give you a reason to take it off.”

“Or,” I say as I snuggle against her. It pushes her off balance and she catches herself with a laugh. “Or, I need to be inside your coat to see if you’re boney or not.”

“You’ll start with my coat,” she says. A rock tumbles down the path, disturbed by her boot. “And then you’ll need to be inside my clothes to test.”

“And what’s wrong with that,” I say as heat rises in my neck and face.

“Absolutely nothing,” she breathes. We walk in silence along the winding path. The heat slowly fades from my face and I lean into her.

“It’s been a hella great day, Max,” she says. “I mean, that strange trip you took wasn’t that great, but you and I? That was great.”

“Hella great,” I echo. After a sigh, I say, “what would I do without you?”

“Well, be lost that’s for sure,” she replies. “You’d be stuck back at the exhibit staring at the road divider. But that’s what you have me for, to keep you in the here and now.”

I snort at her words. “Really. In the here and now? You were always the one with big visions of adventure.”

“Sure, but only with you.”

“And then with Rachel.”

She kicks a pebble and I watch it tumble along the path. It quickly disappears into the darkness. When we entered the park, the trail was covered in shredded bark. Now it’s packed dirt and covered with gravel. That detail causes my stomach to clench because it means in that short time I’ve slipped into another reality.

_Which means… she isn’t the same Chloe I entered the park with._

“And then with Rachel,” she whispers as I push that thought from my mind, but not before it makes my stomach flip-flop. She stops and looks up at the night sky. By the lights of the city we can glimpse clouds overhead. It will probably rain soon. “You remember how hard you tried to save her five years ago?”

I nod. “I lost track of how many times I photo jumped trying to save her.”

“You did it until I made you stop. You lost so much blood it scared me!” She looks at me and raises a hand to smooth hair away from my face. She tucks it behind my ear with a sad smile.

“Well… she told me that she knew and ignored the attempts. Her mind was made up and she was going to do things her way.” Her whisper is almost lost in the background noise. I step in front of her and study her. Her face is impassive, but the corners of her mouth twitch in a downward direction.

That news doesn’t surprise me after the story Rachel told the other day. The knowledge doesn’t stop my stomach from sinking, though. I place a hand over my belly as it fills with weird flutters. “That… sucks,” I say with a strangled voice. My throat tightens and an urge to cry sweeps me.

_All those times… lost… because she knew what I was doing and stopped it. All those times I thought I failed…_

I swipe a hand across my eyes as I feel the tears begin to form. It’s just too much on top of everything else. But I don’t want to cry. Not now, not with Chloe in our time together. _And how much time will I have? _I take a sharp breath into my nose as I squeeze the tears from my eyes and force my mind onto something else.

“It does,” Chloe agrees. Hands gently grab my shoulders and squeeze. “I get why she chose that, it still hurts though. And… I’m sorry I pushed you so hard then to save her. If I’d known-”

“No, Chloe,” I interrupt, the words grating on my throat as I force them out. I don’t want Chloe to doubt herself, not in this, not with who she is! “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought her up. You did the right thing. Don’t doubt that! She was your friend… girlfriend?”

_Shit! I’ve avoided that question for five years. Why am I asking it now?_

“Sort of,” Chloe said. “Like anything with Rachel, it’s complicated. She’s a good person, but her own person. I just… I remember how hard you took it that you weren’t able to save her. And how mean I was to you about it. That’s what I’m apologizing about, how I treated you. You didn’t deserve that.”

“You were hurting, Chloe,” I say. “When you hurt, I hurt. And yeah, I didn’t like the way you treated me; it hurt. It was… one of those things that ate at me and… eventually caused me to leave. But you know what’s important now?” I make myself look at her though everything is blurry and burns.

The light of day is gone. Only the lights from the city and stars above shine upon us. Her eyes are dark in the night. They glitter where they catch the faint light. Her jacket is puffy and makes her big and soft. I smile at her through my discomfort and say, “You’ll do anything for people who are important to you. That’s why you pushed me so hard to save Rachel. Yeah, I didn’t like being pushed but I did like your reason.”

I lay a hand over her heart. The puffy coat makes it hard to feel her. She gasps and I quickly pull my hand back. “What,” I exclaim. “Did I hurt you?”

“N-no,” she says and peers at me closely. “For a moment your skin was… purple. I think. It definitely wasn’t your regular color.”

_My skin did that the other day in the bathroom. What?_

“What part of me changed,” I ask, for lack of a better question.

“Your face. That’s what I was looking at.”

I nod without answering. “What do you think it means,” she cautiously asks.

“I… don’t know. It happened the other day when I was in the bathroom.”

We fall silent. The ground draws my eyes and I study the path while I try to figure out what it might mean. The moment I was building toward is ruined now, pulled to pieces by chance.

_Did we even have that dance together here? How many moments were lost because I slip into another place and time? How many of my memories are real?_

“Do you want to talk about it,” she gently prods.

“No,” I say with a shake of my head. “Let’s go home. It’s getting colder and I’m hungry.”

She looks at me in the darkness and I can tell she doesn’t believe me. It eats at me and I shift from side to side. “There’s a lot going on right now,” I whisper, my eyes fixed on her coat. “In the time we’ve been in the park, I’ve shifted into at least one other reality. The news about Rachel makes me feel useless and the skin thing… I’m overwhelmed, Chloe. My life is not my own anymore and I don’t know how much more I can take!”

My eyes shift to the ground while I speak. It’s easier that way, to look at things that can’t judge you, can’t give you looks that tell more than words say. I am surprised then when I hear a soft zzz sound and arms wrap around me.

Chloe pulls me into a hug, inside her coat like she teased me about moments ago. Her arms hold me close, much closer than with the coat in the way. And I feel her, her life, her breath, her presence, in a way that I didn’t realize I needed.

I’m tense and stiff and she whispers words that probably make sense. All I hear is her voice as it massages my heart even as her hands rub my back. My arms are around her, inside her coat, and I try to let myself be in this moment, be with her.

And she isn’t boney or soft, she’s just right. As she holds me, I try to bring back that feeling of earlier, of being Max and Chloe. There’s a whiff of scents that are familiar and I turn my nose toward her hair and take a deep breathe.

“Damn, I hope I don’t stink,” she says. “I haven’t washed my hair in a couple days.”

“No,” I whisper and take another breath. “You smell good. Like I… like I remember.” With closed eyes, I breathe her and let the scents bring back the memories.

She says other words, but I’m too caught up in my mind to hear them. “Thank you,” I whisper as the tension drains away. It leaves my body limp against her and she makes a surprised sound as she tightens her arms and shifts her feet to keep us from falling.

“I don’t want to let you go,” I whisper.

“Then don’t.”

“How will we get home then?”

“We can make this our new home.”

I chuckle and tilt my head back to look at her. She uses that opportunity to give me a quick kiss. “Or,” she says with a grin, ”we can duck walk to the bus stop.”

“Oh, no! I’d be afraid we’d trip and fall!”

“Not with me around! I’d catch you before that could happen.”

“You’re amazing, Chloe, but I think it best if we walk like regular people.”

“Ain’t nothing regular about us.”

“True,” I say as I drop my right hand. That’s only so I can turn and slide my left hand around her waist to grab her hip. She holds me close with her coat wrapped around us.

We begin a slow walk along the path, which is now interlocked brick. Chloe seems the same as earlier, and I can’t see any other changes so I thrust that detail from my mind. It’s a lot easier when I focus on her, the way she moves next to me, her warmth, her scents, the way her boots click on the the stone.

“I can’t wait to get home,” I say.

“Oh? Why’s that?”

“It gives me a sense of stability. Plus, I’ll be with both of my… girlfriends?”

She exhales a silent laugh. “Girlfriends. That sounds pretty serious.”

“Is that… ok?”

“Max… it’s better than ok.” Her hand slides into my back pocket when she says that and gives a tiny squeeze. I jump a little with a gasp then tighten my grip on her hip. A thought about slipping my hand into her front pocket enters my mind and I move my hand in that direction. My arm is just a little too short for that, though. Plus, it would likely be awkward while we walk.

We slowly walk in that way toward the park entrance, with me leaning into her. Like I always do when I’m with Chloe, I want this moment to last forever. Her steady presence and faith in me are two things I value, two things I can depend upon. I hope that I provide the same to her and Kate.

I stop her within sight of the entrance and look up at her. “What about you,” I ask, “tell me how you’re doing?” When she looks at me in silence for a few moments, I follow up with, “I come back after years of being away, Rachel returns from the dead, I’m sharing a bed with you and Kate. Your life has changed a lot in the last week, that can’t be easy.”

“No,” she whispers, “it isn’t.” She falls silent again and I place my hand on her chest. Through her shirt I can feel the swell of her chest as she breathes and the faint thump of her heart.

“I can’t imagine what it’s like for two people you care about to suddenly reappear like Rachel and I.”

“Rachel is…” She interrupts then falls silent again, her head turned toward the trees and stars beyond.

_Maybe she wishes to be somewhere else, some when else. Maybe she wishes she wasn’t with me anymore…_

“She’s complicated.” The words come out in a small cloud from the chilling air. “The closeness we used to have isn’t there anymore. Before she… died we were growing apart, though I didn’t want to accept that. I know now she was trying to figure out how she was changing, but…” She looks at me and smiles. It’s hard to see in the darkness.

“It’s all so confusing. People with powers, shifting timelines, I don’t know what to make of it. Sometimes I wish… I wish nothing had changed and it was still Kate, Lynn, and I. Yeah, every day was the same and we had this hole in our lives, a Max-shaped hole, but everything else seemed… normal.”

She steps away from me and takes my hands so we stand an arm’s length apart. There, she looks at me with her head tilted slightly. I can’t see her eyes, but I think she’s looking at all of me. A sudden urge to cover myself seizes me, like my clothes disappeared, but all I do is turn my head aside.

“But then I look at you, and think of you, and I wouldn’t trade any of this confusion and turmoil and other things for another day without you. You make all of this worth it. You complete our family, Max. Kate, as special as she is, fucking glows with you around. And me? Damn, but you make me want to do better. You talk about me doing anything for people I care about, but you, Max, you take it to another level entirely. If you didn’t care as much, you wouldn’t have given in to my shit years ago about helping Rachel. You… you can set aside your fears and doubts and do what needs done, even if it hurts.

“Sure, I could rationalize some of that as ‘she only did it because of me.’ But that’s not true at all. You inspire me. Not only do you make me want to be better, I actually am better with you in my life. Before you returned our life was a routine without much direction other than taking care of each other and getting Lynn into good schools. With you around, I want more, want to do more, want to think of the future more. A future with you by my side, you and Kate.”

She steps close to me, our hands now clasped at our sides. “And I fucking love you for all that you are and do.” When our lips meet this time, it awakens a burning deep within me. Not a fire of pain and injury like I frequently experience, but something more wholesome and good and wonderful.

It blazes within me, setting fire to my mind and body. I reach around her to hold her close. Cold hands slip under my shirt, but I don’t pull away. Fingers touch me and I try to do the same as the burning pushes a moan from me.

“So you could say,” she pants as she pulls her head away for a moment, “that even with all that shit going on, I’m happier now than ever.” Fingers touch my jaw, slip into my hair, and pull me in for another kiss. We press against each other, our arms and legs sliding here and there to fuel the fire that surely burns within both of us.

We break again with both of us heavily panting and fingers and hands touching each other in longing ways. The fire burns now within my cheeks and chest and seeks to throw me at her. I long for her touch and want to feel her fingers in more intimate places. Despite the dark, I see a similar fire burning in her eyes, in the way she stands, in her little exhales. For a moment it’s like I can hear her heart beat pounding against my own and I want to feel her and make her feel the same joyful burning that she brings to life in me.

I push in for another kiss, nearly tumbling us to the ground in my excitement. “Damn,” she says around the kiss. “You are fiesty, girl!” But her hands show she’s just as fiesty as me.

A cold wind hits the skin of my back and I shiver. “Oh! That’s cold!” I back away and pull my shirt and coat down.

“Ok,” she says between quick breaths, “Let’s get someplace warm.” She glances around and purses her lips. “Shit. Nowhere around here. Looks like it’s home for us.” Her eyes return to me and I see her wiggle her brows. “Or the bus…”

“With a gasp, I say, “N-no! Not where people can see!”

“Oh, I don’t know,” she says mischievously, “that could be part of the fun.”

I sputter something, but am interrupted by fingers lightly touching my lips. “I’m joking,” she says warmly. “The last thing I want is to push something so personal past your boundaries.” That calms me immediately. We straighten our clothes and resume our walk, though with heaving chests and burning bodies.

We walk side by side toward the park entrance. My hands are stuck in my pockets and my head is down. The fire she awoke within me smolders and I find it distracting in a good way. She places her hand on my back, then slides it up to my shoulder. I lean into her as we walk.

The park entrance appears before I’m ready and I step from the brick walkway to the hard concrete sidewalk. A cold chill runs up my side pressed against Chloe and there is a sudden emptiness. I stop and look to my left, but Chloe is gone! I look behind me, but instead of a park there is a blank brick wall without sign of Chloe. Frantically, I look each way on the sidewalk and spin myself in a circle.

Where the park was now stands a line of dark storefronts and a brick wall. I’m the only person here on this unlit street somewhere in Portland. If I’m even in Portland anymore.

_No! I… can’t do this anymore!_

The warmth and steadiness and fire she sparked in me fade in the face of another reality. I stand in the stillness of the night with distant traffic as the only sound and all the happiness and good feelings Chloe had inspired in me are dashed into millions of pieces. My heart sinks quickly in their wake as I stare at the wall that used to be a park. A park where we kissed and held each other, where we opened our hearts.

_It’s all gone. Nothing is permanent._

A need to run or shout or do something rash grows within me. I stumble through the darkness to a bench along the street and collapse on it. There, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. As the air slowly leaves me, I focus on it, the sound it makes, the way my chest moves as the air escapes. With one hand on my forehead and the other on my stomach, I draw another breath. Like before I focus on it and the touch of my hands. Several times I inhale and exhale. I remind myself that I’m breathing, that it’s something I choose to do and choose to feel. Gradually, the anxiety fades away.

Only after it’s been gone several minutes do I open my eyes. With my mind focused on breathing, I tilt my head back and look at the stars above. The few that are visible twinkle at me. It’s one of the things I don’t like about living in a big city. Instead of a sweeping expanse of stars painting the galaxy above, there’s only a handful. The clouds that were present only a few minutes ago are gone.

_Of course they are! I’m not… not there anymore!_

Pine and spruce and other evergreen trees reach toward the deep blues and purples and blacks of the night sky. Their pointed tops sway in the gentle breeze. The strong scent of pine floats to me on the night breeze. The memory is powerful as I think of those nights in the mountain cabin. Pain flares in my heart as I long to return to that place, where I didn’t know who I was or any of the problems that currently face me.

_Did that really happen? Are they ok?_

The memory fades into the poor facsimile above. I reach into my coat pocket and pull out my phone. With a trembling hand, I unlock it and find Chloe’s entry. A mixture of relief and something else sweeps through me when I see her name and picture and I realize that I feared it wouldn’t be there. After a moment, I press the call button and hold the phone to my ear.

*Ring*

_Please answer! Please answer!_

*Ring*

_Please!_

*Ri-

“Max?”

“Kate!”

“Oh, my! Whereareyouwhathappenedareyouokwe’vebeenlo-notelluswhereyouareandwe’llcomegetyou!”

Kate’s words zoom through the phone in a mad rush! “Whoa! Slow down,” I urge. “I can’t under-”

“Where are you, Max?”

Hurriedly, I look around, but no street signs are visible. No landmarks are identifiable either.

_The park…_

But the park doesn’t exist here.

_Am I supposed to exist here?_

_Where is here?_

I push those thoughts aside and stand. The need to run and scream begins building again. I walk along the sidewalk and my motion seems to increase its intensity.

“I’m near some storefronts,” I say and I run my free hand through my hair. In the dark I can’t read the signs. Fingers pluck the hem of my coat.

_Why aren’t they lit?_

_And why aren’t there any streetlights?_

I retrace my steps. Where I exited the park is still a brick wall. My breath hitches as I remember our kiss just minutes ago. Kate keeps up a steady stream of questions that I give non-answers to when I’m able. One business at the far end of the block has a lighted sign.

_It wasn’t lit a few seconds ago._

The realization nearly undoes me and my voice hitches and I barely keep ahold of my phone. Kate doesn’t seem to notice and soon her voice is replaced by Chloe’s. I walk toward the now lit sign as Chloe lets loose with a rapid stream of jumbled words. Both of my girlfriends are obviously distraught.

_So am I. Are they… even my girlfriends here?_

I pause in front of the lit sign and look at the phone.

_I wish I could reach through it and hug them, or the other way._

I need to be with them. Like a creeping sickness, panic spreads through me. It infects my legs and I want to run. I have to run! It puts a tremble in my voice and I begin looking around wildly as I expect at any moment I’ll step into a world I don’t recognize.

A howl floats to me on the cold, night air and the hair on my neck stands on end. Again, I nearly drop the phone when the foul sound hits me. I force a swallow and try not to think about the last time I heard such a howl. My stomach flips and twists itself. It takes all my will to read the business name to Chloe.

My breath is in short gasps, hastened by my need to run. The howl sounds again and I squeeze my eyes shut and tighten my free hand into a fist. “Ok,” Chloe says, “I found it. Shit, Max! How did you get all the way over there? Never mind that, we’re on our way!”

More howls fill the night and I can’t stop the shaking that claims me. I sag against the brick wall and slowly slide to the sidewalk. Fingers claw through my hair. “Be careful,” I whisper into the phone. “Please… come soon…”

A despair seeps into my on the heels of the panic.

_It will never end. No matter what… every moment… every day without choice I will be bounced from reality to reality and I’ll… I’ll never…_

I can’t complete the thought that squeezes my chest and throat. It’s worsened when I recall just a few short minutes ago Chloe spoke of how my presence caused her to view the future with hope.

** _There is a way…_ **

Her voice slices through the frenzy of despair and panic that clouds my mind. Through the opening it forms, she brings forth a vision. Or maybe it’s a memory? Scenes unfold of a secret place, a hidden place filled with glowing energy. They seem familiar and there is a sense of rightness to them.

I shake my head. _No! I’d be a fool to trust you!_

** _If you don’t trust me, you’ll be a fool and everyone you know will be dead!_ **

Chloe keeps a constant stream of chatter through the tiny phone speakers. In the background I hear an engine and honks and a turn signal. They form a strange soundtrack for her worry-laced words. The phone slips from my fingers onto the sidewalk as more howls cause me to twitch.

Across the street, the buildings are replaced by trees. They spear the night sky which is suddenly filled with bands of bright stars. From the phone comes Chloe’s voice.

The trees fade into buildings again. Houses with small yards and cute, little fences face me. Cars park in the driveways and on the street. At least I think they are cars.

_Come on, Chloe! Please get here soon!_

** _She won’t and there will be trouble. Just let me help you!_ **

I drop my head against my knees as my mind and heart are filled with conflicting thoughts and emotions. When coupled with the persistent panic and fear and I am being pulled in all directions at once! I hit my head with the heels of my palms as I try to stay put. I am stretched beyond all that I can bear by uncertainty and terror and doubt and guilt and all the things that I tried to bury and put away from myself. They come crashing through my barriers and overwhelm me.

The howls sound again, closer. The fear they cause begins to seep into me, joining the terror that already churns my gut. I clutch my knees in an attempt to fight the demand to run. Across from me the buildings lay in ruins. Broken walls stand like shattered teeth against the chill winter wind. Moonlight bathes the rubble in an eerie light as more howls echo and it intensifies the fear they produce.

_I don’t know if I can do this anymore! Never knowing if I’m in the right place. Never knowing whether I’ll be in the same place the next moment. I just want it all to end!_

** _You can do it on your terms, not anyone else’s._ **

I look again at the phone, Chloe’s voice echoing from the small speakers. A tiny voice in a great big universe.

_She’s someone’s Chloe, but who am I?_

_I… just want this to end._

“Show me,” I whisper.

And she does.

* * *

“She’s looping again,” Lynn called out. Her words caused Chloe to drop the journal she held with a rude sound of frustration. It hit the floor with a thunk, bounced, then landed with pages splayed out and cover up. Stickers and doodles decorated the plain blue cover. With a soft curse, Chloe knelt and picked up the journal. Thankfully none of the pages had come loose. The way the journals were worn made them appear fragile.

**January 2018** was written on the cover in Max’s handwriting. Chloe closed the journal and placed it on the table next to a pile of other journals. She’d scanned them several times the past few hours seeking clues. It hurt her, to read about the lives Max had while imprisoned. How these journals were written, or got here, she didn’t know. They told of heartfelt pain, agony, guilt, and sorrow that ripped at her heart. They also spoke of good times, a girl named Jess, a marriage to Victoria Chase of all people, herself and Kate, and so many, many more lives. It defied her imagination and that took a lot.

Her fingers trailed over a few of the journals as if that could connect her to Max. “Is there… no way to tell her,” Chloe muttered as she moved to stand behind Lynn. The younger woman, eyes glowing from dark wells, looked up at her.

“I’ve tried,” Lynn barked. Weariness pulled her head down to her hands which tightened into fists. “I’m sorry, but I’ve tried so many times! I’m able to connect to my duplicates, but every time I try to send a message… it’s like I’m blocked or something.” A sound like a growl burst from her as her fists pounded the table. “And we’re running out of time!”

“Keep trying,” Rachel called from the far side of the room. Chloe looked over to see her slouched against the wall. Even her head rested against the wall. She’d seen Rachel tired before, but nothing like this. As she watched, Rachel slowly raised her hands. A glow formed around them then shot through the entry a few feet away. Immediately, her hands dropped to her side and her eyes closed. Her shoulders slumped.

“I don’t know how much longer I can keep them away,” Rachel said. Her voice sounding stretched and low and slurred. “Whatever she’s doing, it’s draining my power. The barriers aren’t slowing them as much anymore. A few more minutes…” She tried to shrug but only one shoulder responded.

It was strange to think of Rachel having powers, but in the past few days Rachel had shown many hidden sides of herself. And without her, they wouldn’t be in this room trying to save… who? What? The world?

Chloe let her eyes stray to the enigmatic figure between them. Encased in a strange energy field that crackled and sparked was her best friend, her missing girlfriend, Max Caulfield. Chloe stepped as close as she dared. Even several feet away her skin tingled from the destructive power of the field. In her mind flashed the memory of the stone Rachel had tossed into the field.

She’d been so excited and happy when she finally saw her missing girlfriend that she’d ran pell-mell into the room without thought! Only Rachel’s arms had stopped her. The girl had sped in front of her and swept her away from the field before she could enter it. Rachel had held up a finger, bent and picked up a stone. Chloe felt her jaw hit the floor when the stone flew into the field only to dissolve into bits and pieces then disappear. That could have been her.

And now, here they were two days later, no closer to rescuing Max than they were before they started. They’d been chased into this space and blocked from leaving. The room stank of their sweat and dust and dirt and more. Most of all, it stank of their failure. If they failed to free her, not only were they lost, she suspected the whole world was lost too.

She tried not to think about it, tried not to let those memories come. But come they did. The mysterious return of Rachel. The disappearance and subsequent search for Max. The appearance of those strange creatures. The hunt of the last few days where Jeffershit and his friends - no! She wouldn’t think of that!

Max hung suspended in the energy field. So close and yet further away than when they started the search. Sparks ran in jagged lines across her skin. The lilac hue of the field gave her a strange, unearthly cast. Her clothes and hair fluttered like a gentle breeze blew around her. The air of the room was motionless though. Her arms were slack at her side; one leg raised as if climbing a stair.

“What happened,” Chloe whispers. “How do we get you out of there? Do you know we’re here?”

A thunk from behind pulled Chloe’s attention away from the field and her girlfriend. Lynn’s head had hit the table and she looked up, eyes darting and unable to focus on anything. Anger flashed through Chloe and she opened her mouth to berate the woman for stopping her efforts. Before the words could explode into the air and do more harm than help, she closed her mouth with a click, squeezed her eyes shut, and took a deep breath.

_Lynn’s been trying non-stop for two days with little to no sleep. She doesn’t need me yelling at her no matter… no matter how much I want to. That won’t help Max or us escape._

They weren’t even sure Max was alive. In the entire time they’d been trapped in the room she’d not seen Max’s chest move. In fact, only her hair and clothes moved. It was frustrating and unnerving.

Instead of cursing Lynn, Chloe slowly let out the breath, then knelt next to her. She placed a friendly hand on Lynn’s shoulder. “Get some rest,” she said.

“I can’t,” Lynn cried, her words slurred. “We have to get her out of there before they break past Rachel! If I can’t figure out how to talk with her we’re lost!”

“We’re lost if you make a mistake because you’re dog tired,” Chloe said. She could see the effort it took for Lynn to keep her eyes open. More than once as she spoke she stifled a yawn. Chloe was tired too, though less than Rachel and Lynn. Both of them had spent themselves with their powers over the past several days to get them here and to keep them alive. As the only one without strange powers, Chloe wasn’t nearly as exhausted. But after two days with little to no sleep, it was hard to keep her own yawns at bay. Or her eyes open.

“Don’t worry about it,” Chloe said. She gave Lynn’s shoulder a squeeze and stood. “Maybe you’ll get an idea while you nap.”

Lynn protested again, but Chloe didn’t relent. Finally, Lynn laid her head on the table, cradled on her arms, and closed her eyes. Chloe watched as sleep swiftly took her friend.

_You’re so much like your sister and you don’t even know it._

An explosion of noises and curses came from Rachel’s direction. “Fuck,” Rachel yelled, “they’re advancing and my shots can’t get past their armor anymore.”

Chloe squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath. Five years and countless dead ends and it came to this. So many people lost along the way. Joyce, Max’ parents, even her beloved Kate. A shudder nearly made Chloe fall as she thought of Kate, so hopeful and supportive until the end.

_She didn’t deserve that!_

Chloe’s hands curled into fists as she repressed the sob that wanted to break free. There was an idea that she’d held onto the last few hours. It was an all-or-nothing idea, the kind she often had. As long as it seemed they still had hope of contacting Max and breaking her free from her prison, she’d kept the idea in the back of her mind.

_Now…_

In a swift motion, she pulled the bracelets from her wrists. She stepped to Rachel and held them out to her. “What are these for,” Rachel asked as she paused in between sending blasts of energy down the corridor. Like Lynn, fatigue slurred her words. Chloe was certain that if the wall moved, Rachel would tumble to the floor.

“They’re for Max,” she replied. “For her to remember me. Tell her… tell her to make those fuckers pay!”

In a surge of energy, Rachel pushed away from the wall, stepped into Chloe’s space and grabbed her arm. “What are you doing,” she demanded.

“What has to be done,” Chloe said. “Max is the only one who can save us, save everyone. I’m useless in this fight. You and Lynn have powers I barely even understand. Against them,” she gestured toward the opening hewn in the stone from which howls and commands emanated, “I’m nothing. But if I can bring back Max and turn your fight around, that’s what I’m gonna do!”

Rachel’s hand fell from Chloe’s arm. Her mouth worked a few times but no words came forth; she looked at Chloe blankly. Chloe reached down and lifted up Rachel’s hand. With a gentle touch, she placed the bracelets on her palm and closed the fingers around them. With a small smile and choked voice, she said, “Tell Max… tell her I never stopped loving her. And make those fuckers pay!”

Numbly, Rachel watched as Chloe turned. With the little energy that remained in her, Chloe sprinted toward the pillar of light that entrapped Max. She lowered her head as she sprinted, gave a resounding shout, and leapt into the air!

The energy field immediately began undoing Chloe as she entered it. Max was just inches away! “Never forget me,” Chloe whispered as the field removed her from existence.


	33. End of the Beginning

As Chloe entered the energy field, a loud sound in the corridor stole Rachel’s attention away. She raised her hands to send multi-colored energy blasts down the corridor and the bracelets fell to the floor. They rolled away from her to circle and wobble and fall over. Bright blasts exploded from the entrance striking Rachel’s shoulder and chest. The force blew her into the wall behind her with a loud thunk and cry. A moment later, she slid to the floor, legs spread, arms slack, and head lolling.

Chloe’s cry roused Lynn, who raised her head to peer about with bleary eyes. Consciousness fought the lethargy that sucked the life from her body as she tried to figure out what had awakened her. A blur of movement caught her sleepy eyes and she turned in time to see Chloe in the energy field, dissolving. The fatigue immediately fled as power rushed through her! Lynn leaped up with a cry, sending the chair tumbling across the floor.

Chloe began to dissolve the moment she entered the field. Her fingers disappeared, then her hands. Her gaze remained focused on Max. The process that was undoing her, was slower than her momentum though and she slammed into her girlfriend only to disappear a second later.

Max tumbled from the column of light, the sounds of energy bursts accompanying her. She hit the floor with a bone-shuddering thud and the energy column disappeared. With its light, the room was pitched into gloom. A few fungi here and their glowed, providing meager light.

Lynn stepped toward Max, but movement in the shadows caught her eye. She turned in time to see shapes pouring from the corridor! The poor lighting hid their details. It could be they ran on four legs, or maybe two. Before she could take another step, they overwhelmed Rachel. A cry split the air and raised the hair on her neck. Then they turned toward Lynn!

She didn’t even have time to blink as they rushed her. The alertness and power that had flooded her just a moment ago fled. They pushed her to the ground. Something jabbed her in the stomach. Feet kicked her legs. She cried out as they subdued her. Jumbled images flooded her mind as her power sought to help her. In the confusion and pain she couldn’t focus. Then her hands were bound behind her and clamps placed on her legs. She was jerked roughly to her feet, forcing another cry from her.

Another being stepped from the corridor, two-legged and upright, and Lynn’s assailants fell silent. “You have them,” the person said and Lynn recognized the voice of Mark Jefferson.

In response, she was thrust forward, almost tripping as the leg restraints restricted her movements. She found herself next to Rachel, also restrained and held up by their attackers. A voice called out in a language Lynn didn’t recognize.

“What about the third one,”” Jefferson growled. “Where’s Caulfield?”

An unintelligible response elicited a sharp retort from Jefferson. Then a light clicked on and Lynn quickly turned her head to the side and closed her eyes. She wasn’t fast enough and great blobs of color dotted her vision. The light shone through her eyelids and she squeezed them tighter. At last it turned from her, and she risked opening one eye.

Next to her, Rachel looked in bad shape. A few bruises colored her cheek and eye and her head sagged forward.

_They must have given her something to knock her out,_ Lynn thought. She could see Rachel’s chest rise and fall with breath. That comforted her a little. Dust and blood and grime was smeared across Rachel’s face and clothes. Beyond her, Lynn could see the corridor Rachel had guarded. Her thoughts were slowly making sense, but she was still too exhausted to do anything.

Another curse from Jefferson drew her eyes to him. He wore dark body armor but his head was uncovered. When he saw her looking at him, he stalked over to her.

“Where’s Caulfield,” he barked in her face. Lynn couldn’t repress wrinkling her nose and turning her head away as fetid breath blasted her face. Fingers grabbed her chin and forced her face back to him. “You look familiar. Ah yes, 2013, self-righteous Christian. Kate was a pleasure to photograph. You’re her sister, aren’t you?” Lynn stayed silent, though her eyes narrowed and her skin crawled.

“Too bad you’re already corrupted,” he whispered. “With your cheekbones, the camera must love you. You’re still a good candidate for my newest project. And you’ll help me find that little bitch Caulfield.”

“I won’t help you do a thing,” Lynn spat. Or tried to. Her mouth didn’t work well and the words tumbled from her mouth as a mishmash of broken sounds.

Jefferson laughed and let go of her chin. “Take these two away,” he barked. “She’ll come looking for them.”

The soldiers or whatever they were grabbed Lynn and Rachel by the upper arms and force-walked them toward the exit. Lynn tried to protest but found her mouth was only capable of uttering nonsense. She looked around wildly as she was dragged from the room.

Jefferson took one last look then signaled the person with him to follow. They trailed the group, taking the light with them. The room descended into an eerie blue-green gloom.

When the sounds of the crowd dwindled into silence, a shape blurred into form near the back wall of the room. It flickered and faded then solidified into the shape of a woman, lying prone. She lay there, her brown hair covering her face.

A voice spoke to her, distant and forced. “Get up.” The woman didn’t respond. “Get up before they come back!” The woman stirred a moment, her shoulders twisting a little before becoming motionless again.

“GET UP!”

The woman sat up and groaned.

Max looked around, but her blinking eyes saw only darkness. An occasional hint of light would draw her eyes only for it to disappear. She groaned again and stretched.

Faint memories returned to her. A chamber of stone underneath Blackwell. An empty promise of ending endless guilt and agony. She rubbed her face with her hands.

** _You have to get out of here!_ **

Max growled as the voice echoed in her mind. “Get the fuck out of my head,” she snarled. “You’ve done nothing but lie to me.”

** _You have to leave before my- they return!_ **

“Before what? What were you going to say?”

Silence was the only answer. After a moment, Max stretched. She didn’t know how long she’d been trapped below Blackwell, if that’s where she still was. The stretching felt good. Thoughts of other times, people, and places began filtering into her waking mind.

_Kate. Chloe. Are you ok?_

** _Don’t worry about them! Worry about yourself!_ **

Slowly, her eyes adjusted to the dim light. In front of her, to the right, was a square shape. She remembered placing something on it.

_There was also that column of light…_

With that thought, Max suddenly realized she sat where the light had been. Now, there was no trace of it, nor of the strange orb it emanated from. Her fiddling hand brushed against something soft. Unconsciously, her hand grasped it and began to play with it.

From the corridor behind and to her left came faint sounds.

_Maybe footsteps?_

Carefully, Max climbed to her feet. She swayed and teetered and barely braced herself against the wall before the floor could reclaim her. She stood there, letting the air rush in and out, as her head reeled.

_I’m so glad I can’t see right now._

The soft object she found on the floor had made the trip with her. Now, her mind latched onto it as if it was the universe’s greatest mystery. She worried it with her fingers, feeling its texture and shape as it worked itself around.

_A… bracelet?_

Her breathing took on a regular pattern as her mind focused.

_It seems… familiar._

Above her some plant glowed so she held the bracelet near the light. The blue-green glimmer made it difficult to see well. The colors seemed off, but she was certain she recognized it.

_That’s Chloe’s bracelet. How did it get here?_

The answer came to her at the same moment that inner voice made a rude sound and said:

** _Because she was here, loser!_ **

_Because she was here!_

The words of that other voice, that other Max, churned inside her. A memory flared to life. A promise. A lie. A manipulation that pulled her away from her friends to a room buried deep underground.

She stepped from the wall, one hand remaining in contact with it. A glance around the chamber confirmed her location.

“How long have I been here,” she asked no one. She doubted that voice would answer her.

“Why did you bring me here?”

Even the faint sounds of footsteps didn’t respond. The dry dusty air tickled her throat, but she suppressed the cough. The room’s contents became clear as she stood there, the faint light of the fungus providing all she needed. Between her fingers she held the bracelet, its familiar feel and weight told her more than simple materials should.

She placed the bracelet around her wrist and fastened it.

And she knew.

* * *

With an exhaustion that taxed both mind and body, Chloe reached down and tenderly lifted Rachel’s hand. A faint smile graced her mouth as she looked at the woman who saved her after Max left, and saved all of them again when He came.

She gently placed her bracelets on Rachel’s hands and closed her fingers around them. For a moment her fingers lingered on her former girlfriend’s.

_If this works, I’ll never see you nor Max again._

_Better a world without Chloe Price than a world ruled by Him._

“Tell her I never stopped loving her,” Chloe whispered. And by her, she meant both Max and Rachel. “And make those fuckers pay!”

Rachel stood with a slack mouth as Chloe turned away. In front of Chloe the beam of purple energy split the room from floor to ceiling. The woman she loved lay trapped in it. How Max came to be trapped here, she didn’t know. What she did know is that the longer Max was trapped, the more harm He was able to do.

Chloe summoned the rest of her energy and sprinted toward the beam. A couple of feet from it, she leaped into the air. “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck,” she yelled.

The energy enfolded her like a warm blanket. Only this blanket was deadly! Her outstretched fingers blew away like smoke. Max was so close! Her eyes were closed, but she breathed!

“Never forget me,” Chloe whispered as what remained of her body slammed into Max.

* * *

The memory faded, leaving goosebumps and shivers in its wake. Max’s fingers touched the bracelet as if that could connect her to the memory and to Chloe. And maybe it could. The dim greenish light was blurry which made it hard to see as she scanned the stony floor. There must be something in the air because she struggled to breathe. Each breath, each gasp was a fight as an invisible hand squeezed her throat and chest. A simple circle on the floor drew her eyes and she knelt to pick up the lost bracelet.

_Chloe’s…_

Chloe was gone, dissolved and removed from existence.

_To save me…_

She collapsed against the wall, head between her knees and fingers clawing at her hair.

_She… rescued me! It’s not supposed to be like that. I’m supposed to rescue her!_

But it had happened that way. Her knees tightened on her head. The flat of her palms began beating at her head. Inside, where her heart should be was just an empty ache.

_I… didn’t save anyone…_

The world trembled and shook as she mourned her friend, her lover. Silent cries wracked her body as she lifted her head and leaned against the wall behind her. The similarities with another event flared into life in her mind and she shook her head. She had to deny it!

Minutes or hours or days passed, or perhaps it was only seconds, before she stopped shaking. Her fingers played with the bracelets on her wrist. Chloe’s last words echoed in her mind. Beyond the haze of grief that surrounded her thoughts, she looked again at that memory.

_Lynn and Rachel were here. Are they still here? How long ago was that?_

With the help of the wall behind her, she made herself stand. The world was a bleary mess that wanted to tip and turn and throw her to her knees. She took a breath, fingers holding tight the bracelets. The air flowed into her and out, a rhythm that became steady and gentle the more she focused on it. With a hand against one wall, she opened her eyes and took a step.

The odd light made it hard to see. To her right was what looked like a table piled with objects, books maybe. Against the far wall what looked like a chair lay on the floor. To her left a darker patch in the far wall suggested an entry.

Her attention returned to the table and she stepped to it. The objects were books. Her fingers passed lightly over them, feeling their uneven surface and fabric binding. She lifted one and studied it in the dim light.

_One of my journals. How did it get here?_

She replaced the journal and noticed another shape, lumpy and somewhat upright. The rough surface of canvas and straps and buckles greeted her fingers.

_A backpack. Lynn’s maybe?_

To her eyes then came a vision or memory. Lynn sat at the table lit by the bright column of light to her right. A journal lay open in front of her and it seemed she read from it. Her lips moved but Max couldn’t hear any sound. There was an urgency to Lynn, to the way she read and kept glancing over her shoulder at Rachel and Chloe.

_Was Kate here, too?_

The memories or visions didn’t include Kate, but then they were rather fragmentary. None were as clear as the one she experienced when she placed Chloe’s bracelet on her wrist, yet she got the sense that her other girlfriend wasn’t with the group. A wave of something, relief maybe, swept her and the hold on her chest and throat loosened.

_Maybe Lynn convinced her to stay home, or somewhere safe. Just like that time we went to bring back Rachel._

Max looked again around the strange, stone room. A slight disturbance around the entry caused the air to move a little.

_Am I even in the time stream or place where we’re girlfriends?_

The little air current flowed around her as she stepped toward the entry. Particles softly swept over her, tiny shards of reality that captured moments of eternity in their depths. Brief flashes of insight, of memory and history and _knowing,_ flooded her with each touch. In those moments she saw what was, what is, and what could be. A certainty filled her that if she willed it, those moments could be altered, changed to suit her.

Before her she saw a woman filled with grief and remorse over her role in taking life creep back to the ruins that were her legacy.

A man, warped and twisted by his own desires, pursued her across realities. Within him roiled a power fed by those desires.

They clashed, an accident of meeting. Both moved to protect themselves, their gifts activating in a way that created an impossibility. 

** _It will happen again if you go outside._ **

For a moment, Max hesitated, and in that moment, impossible things happened. Lies were built upon lies. A facade was built, meant to deceive and manipulate her.

_I’m not listening to you ever again._

An angry snarl echoed in the recesses of her mind where She lived, but Max ignored it. With one last, sad look around the stone chamber, she left.

* * *

Lynn blinked rapidly as the full light of day shone into the utility room. Ahead of her, Rachel slowly shuffled, held up by their captors. Adrenaline still coursed through her veins, holding the fatigue at bay. She looked from side to side at Jefferson’s allies.

Covered by flexible, black outfits, it was difficult to see much of their appearance. Tall, slender, with long legs, they moved with an ease like they floated across the ground.

Then they were outside, on the lawn in front of the dorms of Blackwell. It was morning and the sun shone through the trees. Rachel and Lynn were marched to the far side of the lawn, to the sidewalk that went the whole length. Jefferson was already there, his gaze fixed on the Tobanga totem.

Near him were several of the large beasts that had attacked Kate’s work place. It took Lynn a few seconds to remember their name: VoidHound. In person, they were impressive, almost as large as a car. Their very presence made her legs want to turn and run. But should couldn’t do that surrounded as they were and in bonds.

Lynn found herself parked in front of Jefferson, who wore that same strange black outfit. The material seemed to absorb the light, or maybe nullify it. The longer she looked at it, the more she wanted to blink. His head was uncovered though and she made herself look at his face, even though that upset her stomach.

“When I attended Blackwell,” Jefferson said as if to himself, “the most popular tale about the Tobanga was that with it you could glimpse your future. Nonsense, like all other stories told about such things.” He looked at Lynn and Rachel, a smile slowly spread across his face.

“It doesn’t take a gimmick like that totem to predict that you will tell me where your obnoxious friend is.”

“And if we don’t,” Rachel hissed. She’d drawn herself to her full height, which was several inches shorter than Jefferson. She no longer appeared out of it like in the stone room.

The man laughed and after a moment the other people joined with a very strange sound that might be laughter. “Little girl,” he said and stepped close to Rachel. “Nathan may have made a mistake last time you joined us for an outing, but I don’t make such mistakes.” He looked at her, glancing up and down and side to side. His smile transformed, becoming hungry and almost leering in appearance.

A finger came up and moved toward Rachel’s face. She lunged and snapped her fingers at it, but he moved it away in time. “I see death did nothing to tame you,” he chuckled then slapped her across the face with his other hand. He clicked his tongue with a shake of his head. “I’m surprised you didn’t see that coming, so cliche.”

With his other hand, he grabbed Rachel’s chin and lifted her head high. Lynn gasped when he raised Rachel onto her tippy-toes to glare at her.

“If you don’t tell me willingly,” he whispered, “then our friends over there, will help your friend help you to remember.”

A sharp pain stabbed the back of Lynn’s left knee and she tumbled to the ground screaming. She writhed and twisted and screamed and her pants darkened. As quick as it started, the pain stopped and Lynn lay on her side. Sweat plastered her hair to her head; it dripped from her nose to the sidewalk in great blotches. She lay panting on the concrete, her body stiff and tender.

“Now then,” Jefferson said as he let Rachel down. “The next time it won’t be so gentle. I might even let you take her place. That’s what you girls are all about, right? Equality?”

He turned and toed Lynn’s side roughly with his boot. ”Get up,” he barked. All Lynn could do was groan. The people on either side of her knelt, and brought her to her feet with a swift yank. “That’s better,” Jefferson said. “I can’t have my art projects be rebellious like that.”

Rachel tried to step toward Lynn, but a jerk on her arms stopped her. She looked at the younger woman with narrowed eyes. The fatigue weighed down her limbs, but it was quickly falling away in the face of their predicament.

_If we don’t find a way to get out of here, we’re dead._

Jefferson walked around them, eyes roving up and down them. “You are in remarkable health,” he said as he stood before them again, “for a girl who’s dead.”

With a shrug, Rachel said, “I got better.” Her cheek stung from the slap and talking aggravated it. But she didn’t wince or slur her words. She knew Jefferson wanted weakness and she wasn’t going to give it to him. He would force it on her, and she knew he’d enjoy it and she had no reservations on making that as difficult for him as possible.

That’s when she noticed the difference.

It took all of her will to not show surprise.

* * *

The stone parted for me as I rose through the earth. Behind me, it reformed, sealing this new entrance to the stone chamber. How I came to fly, I don’t know. Memories from other realities whisper to me, perhaps attempts to educate me, but I don’t have time for them.

_Rachel and Lynn need help, now. I need to bring Chloe back to life._

That invisible vise clenches on my chest at that thought.

_Jefferson must be stopped. I’m a woman with time on my hands because is what I am. Or some shit like that._

Or so I tell myself. I don’t really believe that last part.

Just like I tell myself I will bring back Chloe once I’ve stopped Jefferson. In reality, I don’t think I could bear the thought of her getting hurt in what comes next. She won’t stay back and it would break me even more to try to force her to stay in a safe place. Even though it hurts so much to rush into battle without my Captain by my side. Yes, I can heal her and restore her, but to see her get hurt would hurt even more.

The rocks blur as they dissolve and I blink rapidly just in time for the light of day to shine through. Then, I’m in the air above Blackwell, but in front of it. I rise higher, turning slowly in a circle until I locate Rachel and Lynn. In this place of impossible ruins, Blackwell stands untouched. Behind it, on the lawn in front of the dorms, is a large group of people. Around them pace other creatures, some large, others about the size of a German Shepherd.

Jefferson stood out in the group, his head uncovered among the Others that stood armed and armored around him. I recognize them as I recognized the VoidHounds, both from that place with the one-eyed Chloe. These beings do not have a name though, at least that I know.

I draw closer. With everyone’s eyes on Jefferson, Rachel, and Lynn, I’m able to get close enough to hear.

“Where’s the bitch Caulfield,” Jefferson growls.

“Right behind you, asshole,” I say as my feet touch the ground.

He spins toward me, hand raised and mouth open. I sense a disturbance about him and begin to activate my power to lock him in stasis when a searing pain slices through me!

I am broken and reformed in an endless misery of existence until I find myself on a grey, empty plain. Fire burns the edges of my life, a hunger that will never be satisfied. I’m on my knees as my burdens do their best to crush me.

“You are weak.”

Shoes appear before me, high tops with custom marker art. White socks and jeans rise above them. With a whimper, I make myself look up. I look into my eyes twisted in disdain. Behind them lurk a truth I don’t want to face.

“You’ll never amount to anything,” She tells me. “So I’ll take what I want and go.”

“What…” I manage to croak. She laughs and moves her foot back. When it comes flying toward me, I grab it. She tries to yank it free, but I hold on. “What,” I say again.

“Let go you, iuhrg.” Her speech turns into a strange static and there’s a brief respite from the pain. In that moment, I surge to my feet, though my body cries out in agony. She thrusts her hand forward, striking me in the chest and I fly backwards!

I crash into something soft, that folds over me and holds me tight. The pain is gone but an internal heaviness replaces it. Before me springs to life my legacy, a testament to the words she spoke just a moment ago. The heaviness spreads through me at sight of it.

She steps through the shadows of my guilt and glares at me. “I don’t understand you,” She says. “Your greatest achievement and you let it hold you back. It should give you pride and power, but it makes you weak.”

Her words shock the thoughts from me and I look at her with mouth open. “No matter what I did, you turned from the way, from your destiny!” Her hand reaches toward me. “So I’ll take your place and do it for you.”

I pull at the substance that binds me as her hand nears, but it reaches me before I can break free. The cold of her touch drives the air from me. The cold replaces the fire, a different kind of burn, and I arch back in agony.

Suddenly, there is a presence in my mind, a hint of possibilities and a past. It flares to life with a certainty that is undeniable. What it shows me frees my mind from her assault. With my mind, comes my body. With a roar, I tear free of my bonds and leap at her!

We tumble together then separate and leap to our feet. She glares at me across the void that separates us. A ripple runs up her and for a moment, I see someone else. A being with lilac skin and luminous eyes stares at me in unblinking contempt. Then she’s back as my doppelgänger.

“Six years,” I snarl, ”six fucking years you stole from me! You stole my life, my friends, my family, Kate and Chloe. You will not steal my future!”

She lunges at me, but I sidestep and she tumbles past me. Just as quickly, she’s on her feet turning with hands raised. But I’m ready for her, have been ready for her.

“You may want to be me,” I hiss, “but you aren’t me!” And I turn my power on her.

Pain again courses through me and everything explodes with a wet sound. The world spins around me and it’s no longer a flat grey. Trees and grass and buildings and sky and more become a disorienting blur. When it stops spinning, I find myself on my back staring at the deep, blue sky. Slowly, I roll over and try to get up.

I make it as far as my hands and knees when I see someone in front of me. My twin is also on her hands and knees. Blood runs down her face to drip from her nose and chin. I snarl at her and she shimmers then transforms into that lilac person I saw previously. We stand together, but she’s taller and glares down at me. Before I can speak or do anything, she disappears.

Beyond the space where She stood are arrayed a host of her people, VoidHounds of different sizes, Jefferson, Lynn, and Rachel. They look at me with expressions of hope and hunger and the unknown. As I look, the world unfurls before me in a way it never has.

All the possibilities that are or were or will be spread out before me. Each person, each being I see in shades of understanding previously hidden. Their history stretches beyond to their making and further. Even the buildings of Blackwell I see their construction, where each board, each grain of sand originated and beyond.

The first that catches my attention are the VoidHounds, so massive and imposing as they lope toward me. A line of history projects from them into the distant past. Images and shared memories pop into existence. I shake my head. All this is a distraction.

I blink out of their path, barely registering that the fear they normally project isn’t present. A quick glance shows Rachel with eyes closed and face screwed in concentration. Then the Hounds are back and I have to move through the stillness again.

The Others are mobilizing, bringing what can only be weapons to bear on me. A few also moved toward Jefferson, Rachel, and Lynn. With attention on the Hounds again, I peer into the past that clings to them, searching for a way to resolve this. Whispers in my mind, from Her or my other realities maybe, tell me to disintegrate them. I grit my teeth and push those from my mind.

There! A thread buried deep within their past leaps to my attention. I blast myself into the air, marveling again at my ability to manipulate time in such a way that I can fly. Faster than thought, I’m at Rachel and Lynn’s side.

The strain on Rachel’s face is clear. She sways from side to side, only held up by the Others that grip her arms. Memories surged through me, coming to life in new manifestations of my power as I force them to loose their hold on Rachel and Lynn. Another thought sends Jefferson and anyone else nearby hurtling away.

Without their guards, my friends immediately collapse to the ground and an incessant need to run fills me.

_The VoidHounds!_

A quick glance shows they’ve adapted and are running toward us. The Others step aside to make way for them. At my touch, the bonds on Lynn and Rachel dissolve. I help Rachel sit up and turn to Lynn. Her eyes are wide and stare straight ahead, arms and legs frozen by the fear the Hounds now project.

“Lynn,” I hiss. “You need to help Rachel. Without her, we’re lost.” She nods and crawls to us.

Rachel’s eyes are open but unfocused. “Are you going to be ok,” I ask.

After a moment, she takes a deep breath and nods. “I think so,” she says, slurring her words. When I move to rise, she grabs my sleeve and says, “I-I’m sorry, Max, for everything I did to you. She… Chloe wanted you to-”

“I know,” I whisper and touch her hand. “Now it’s your turn to save us.”

She smiles weakly, then closes her eyes. The fear immediately fades away.

I stand and look around. The Hounds and Jefferson and the Others are regrouping. He’s barking orders and some kneel and aim their weapons at us. Another memory stirs and the air around us shimmers then returns to normal.

Shrill noises split the air as the Others fire their weapons. Lights streak from them to us to crash into the air and disperse. Again and again they fire, but none of their assault can touch us.

“Do you think you’re strong enough to block Jefferson,” I ask Rachel.

“Already done,” she weakly whispers.

I look at the two of them. Their eyes gleam from dark wells and their clothes are heavily soiled. I search through what I’ve done and known in a million realities until I find what I want. I kneel and touch them. Their eyes widen and Lynn gasps.

“What did you do,” Lynn gasps. “I’m no longer tired.”

“I’m not sure how long it will last,” I say, “but I gave you a little energy boost by reversing your tiredness.” Rachel can now stand on her own and the three of us face the forces array around us.

VoidHounds prowl outside the perimeter of the barrier I constructed. Beyond them, the Others have finally given up firing their weapons. Several of them confer in small groups. Jefferson looks like he shit a brick as he stomps to and fro. Periodically, he raises his hands and flicks them.

“Trying to open a portal, I bet,” I mutter to myself.

The thread I spotted in the VoidHounds history returns to me. But in this reprieve I’ve created there’s something I want to do first. My heart simply won’t let me go on unless I do. With a calming breath I open myself to the world around us. Like the last time I did this, it’s not a simple matter of restoring what already exists. Through the fractals of reality I search until I locate each piece and part. I pull them together, reassembling the unique tapestry of her life.

Hands grab me and pull me into a hug, shaking me from the World view. Chloe has me in her arms so tight I can barely breathe. “Fuck you,” She chokes with a smile, “How many times do I gotta tell you not to leave me?”

“I’m sorry,” I say before she crushes me with another hug. Right now I want so much to melt into her arms, but I need to finish things here. Carefully, I extract myself from her grip. She keeps one hand in hers though and I give her that.

I look at the Hounds circling our little safe zone. They snarl and growl as they walk back and forth. Some are as large as a small car. I look for the thread I saw earlier. It winds through all the VoidHounds, a unifying band that traces back to a time Before.

Before they came to Earth. Before they terrorized planets. Before they were enslaved by the Others, they were a people like any other. Culture, religion, art, sciences, and more they possessed. Then they reached for the stars and met a people that defied their very understanding of everything. The Others, who quickly conquered and corrupted them.

That part of their history is like a festering wound in their collective soul. Bound and bonded in unnatural ways they yearn for the freedom of their ancestors. Though so different from me, their pain pierces my heart. With a simple thought, I undo that bond.

The change is instant. Each Hound stops in place and shakes its head vigorously. One turns and looks at the Others, many still with weapons at the ready. The rest turn, then speed toward their oppressors.

Rude sounds and growls and high pitched noises split the air. Confident in my barrier, I turn away. Whoever wins or loses, I don’t want to watch. Though I don’t control them, I can’t help feeling responsible for what now takes place.

“What did you do,” Chloe whispers. There’s no condemnation in her voice, only curiosity. I look at her, the Captain of my heart, and smile. Then I briefly explain.

She takes me by the arm, and leads me away from the tumult to Rachel and Lynn. Already signs of weariness have returned to them. They slump against each other. I slip from Chloe and rush to keep Rachel from falling over. Chloe does the same with Lynn.

“I think,” Rachel slowly says, “I think I can sit down now.”

“Are you sure,” I ask concernedly. “Don’t you need to see him to keep blocking his power?”

“There’s nothing to block,” she says with a shake of her head. I guess what she means but don’t want to verify. We help both women to the ground where they slump in a pile. As we kneel, two Hounds run into view chasing one of the armored Others. They make short work of the being, then look at us. It seems they nod before they return to the fray behind us.

“What now,” Chloe asks. After she helped Lynn to the ground she came over to sit next to me. She takes my right hand in hers.

“Now,” I say, “we wait.”

Behind the sounds of fighting are mixed with cries of injury and death. Howls and strange cries pierce the air and I jerk with each like I’m the one struck.

Beyond them lies a harder scene, one more personal and cutting. I’ll deny it as long as I can. I’ve denied it for six years after all, what’s a few more minutes?

Finally, the sounds fade but I remain seated. I tighten my grip on Chloe and lean into her. “You could have waded into that like a badass action hero,” she whispers. “But… I’m glad you didn’t.”

“Why?”

“Because that’s not who you are. You may be the most powerful person I’ve ever met, shit could be the most powerful person in the Universe, but fighting is a last resort for you.”

“Is that what you thought when I pulled the gun on Frank all those years ago? That it was a last resort?”

“You were scared, in a tense situation, he threatened us with his knife. You didn’t have a lot of options and you wanted to protect or help me. Yeah, I think that was a last resort.”

Our conversation is interrupted by a number of VoidHounds gathering in front of us. I ignore the marks and matted fur, evidence of what they just experienced. We look at each other through my barrier and I take a chance.

Chloe rises with me and I let the barrier drop. One of the Hounds, who is so massive his head is level with Chloe’s, steps forward. A softness brushes my mind, the faintest touch, almost like the little nudges Kate gives to my hands when she’s with me. I smile at the Hound who sits and gazes at me.

A vague image forms in my mind, something that seems at once familiar and foreign. More images come, a quick jarring motion in my mind. I grab my head and stumble a step backward. “Slow down, please,” I beg. Instead of slowing, the images stop.

An arm wraps around my shoulders. “Are you ok,” Chloe asks.

“Yeah, just overwhelmed. I think they’re trying to tell me something.” I recall the images and try to examine them at my pace.

“Home,” I whisper. “They want to go home.”

“Can you help them,” Chloe immediately asks. Before I can respond, the VoidHound, who I guess is their leader, steps back. It seems to melt before our eyes and I notice all the others in a similar state. They pool into a goopy puddle of strange colors before reforming. There is a strange pop sound and in the place of the Hounds stand beings that vaguely resemble humans.

“Wuh?” Chloe chokes a sound and steps partially in front of me.

I slip in front of her and say, “I think… when I released them from that hold, it also undid whatever those Others did to change them.”

“Why’d it take so long?”

With a shrug, I say, “I don’t know.”

The former Hounds no longer pay attention to us. They gather around each other with cries that can only be happiness. They touch each other and show off their arms and feet and other parts.

“You did a good thing, Max,” Chloe whispers.

The group looks at us, their eyes inquisitive and appealing. One of them speaks, but neither of us can understand what they say.

“Let’s try the cliche way,” Chloe mutters. Loudly, she asks, “Home?”

She repeats the word a few times until one of them echoes it to her. “Do you think you can send them home,” Chloe says with a glance at me.

“I’ll need help.” I look back to find Rachel and Lynn lay in a pile. Rachel’s eyes are partially open and she watches me approach. “Rachel,” I cautiously say, “do you think you can help me send them home? If you need to rest, that’s fine, we can try tomorrow.”

She shakes her head and says, “We need to do it now. I think… I think my time as guardian is at an end.” My stomach sinks as I fall to my knees.

“No!” I cry and reach to touch her, certain she’s hurt or dying.

She chuckles and says, “you’re too good to me, Caulfield. I’m not hurt… I think the guardianship was a limited time offer. You have what I was supposed to guard. Without that, my powers aren’t needed anymore.”

“I’m sorry, Rachel.”

“Don’t be. It means…” She struggles to sit up. “It means I can be free of this place. Free to pursue a modeling career in LA or shit, just go anywhere I want. No more panicked desire to be in AB. And, I think it’s in good hands.”

Her words bring warmth to my cheeks and I look away. “Won’t you miss them though?”

“Not really. All of us have been fucked over by these ‘gifts’. I’m glad it’s going away.” She holds out her hands and after a brief hesitation, I grab them. I help her stand and we return to Chloe’s side.

“Are you sure you’re able to do this,” I ask Rachel. “Don’t worry if you can’t, I can probably find another way.”

She nods and says, “Let’s do it.” Lynn stands on the other side of her, swaying in place. I call out to the jabbering group of visitors, “Home?”

One turns to look at us. It says something to the others, then they turn and walk toward us, stopping out of arm’s reach.

“H-h om” one replies, the sounds rather guttural. With Rachel’s hand clenched in mine, I return to that view I experienced before. This time, I trace the thread of their existence until it touches a planet of a distant star. I watch a few moments as it rotates and orbits. Similar to earth, clouds sim through the atmosphere over verdant landmasses.

_Did I break the bond of all their people, or just the group here? If they return, will they find the Others waiting to trap them again?_

With effort, I push aside those thoughts and focus on what needs done. Before I can blink, the group is gone. I let go of Rachel’s hand and stare at the spot where the former Hounds had stood.

Years of deception and mystery and sorrow and more led up to this moment and it seems so empty. I slowly turn, my other hand still clasped by Chloe’s, and look at the rest of the area. What used to be a pleasant escape from class is now torn and crushed. Bodies, whole and in pieces, are strewn across the lawn. Great divots, some leaving gaping holes, lay upended on the broken sidewalk. Even one of the trees didn’t escape. It’s trunk is split in two length-wise, with half standing, the other have precariously tipped toward the dorm.

Then the smell hits me and I slap my hands over my mouth and run. I make it up the hill by the Tobanga when my insides join the outside world. A hand rests gently between my shoulders as I lean over my sickness, sweat dripping off me.

Chloe helps me sit back and turn around. She pulls me across her lap so I can’t see the mess I made. Instead, I see the mess made by the Hounds and Others. At least I can’t smell it.

“How are you feeling,” Chloe asks. Rachel and Lynn are at the foot of the hill ready to collapse. Despite the body aches from spilling my guts, I reach out and restore a little of their energy.

“I don’t know,” I say. “Everything is a mess in my mind. I don’t know how, but one of those other people, Jeffershit’s allies, was in my mind. Now that it’s gone, it’s like there is an entire side of me I don’t know or understand.”

Before long, my gaze moves beyond Blackwell to the town. It seems an impossible scene. Aside from the area where the fight happened, Blackwell is in good condition. The town is another matter. It matches the scenes from my most damning nightmares and tears at my heart.

The sight stirs a memory buried deep within me. Or perhaps it is a memory She hid from me. In the same way I was swept into the collective history of the VoidHounds, my consciousness is swept into the reality of Arcadia Bay.

* * *

The shadows of broken buildings loom all around me. Each seems precarious, held up by thought alone. I stare into the dark depths of the shattered window before me. Its twisted frame and shards are a fitting symbol for the life I wrenched from this town.

I raise my hands, fingers slightly curled, and stare at them.

_The hands of a killer._

Yet they look so innocent. Hands that held a camera to capture moments in time. Hands which held a gun to protect Chloe. Hands that brought Kate in for comfort when she stepped away from the edge. These hands comforted Chloe when we found Rachel. They wrapped around my head to keep me silent.

A cold wind blows off the bay at my back. It flicks hair into my face and annoys me. With a sound of exasperation, I fish some barrettes from my bag and use them to hold my hair in place. At least I’m no longer looking at my hands.

The ruins of the Two Whales mocks me and my guilt. Buried in her depths are the people who turned to her for shelter during the storm. A place of comfort food and drink, in the end it devoured them instead.

_Because I did it! I could have stopped it, but I let it happen!_

In the light of the moon and stars, the ruins seem bigger and scarier than in the day. I peer into their shadows as if I could scry an answer within. What will quell the grief that’s like a stone in my heart? How do I come to terms with what I did? What I allowed?

“Max Caulfield, my star pupil,” calls a despicable voice from the depths of the ruins. His shoes hardly make a sound as he walks across the debris.

I turn to fully face him and hold myself tall. He haunts my nightmares and fears, but I will not let him see that. He has no power over me in the waking world.

He stops near the corner of the ruined diner and studies it. It’s the corner where Frank sat a few days before the storm. Now it’s crushed beneath the roof and sign. “It’s a fitting metaphor,” he says. “A place that offers sanctuary becomes the means to end life and hope.” He looks at me with that smile he uses to fool people. It churns my stomach.

“What do you want,” I growl. I wonder how he’s still alive and how he found me here, but I won’t ask those questions. He’s narcissistic enough that he’ll likely volunteer that information anyway.

He turns that smile back onto me and I want to knock it off his face! Internally, I recoil because I don’t wish harm on people. But Jefferson has pushed me so hard that my resolve crumbles.

“I know what you are,” he says in a low voice. “That’s something we have in common-”

“We have nothing in common,” I interrupt hotly.

He folds his arms and studies me. The grin widens and impossibly brightens. “Oh, but we do,” he says. His smooth tones I’m sure are meant to inspire trust. They make me queasy, like when I eat too much sugar. “We both know what we want and will do whatever it takes to make it happen. Me with my art, you with…” He gestures at the ruins.

“But I’m not here to speak of the past,” he says and lets his arms relax at his side. “You are an amazing girl, with an amazing gift.” He steps toward me and I immediately back away. “Tell me, did you have that gift before you came to Arcadia Bay?”

“I’ve been taking pictures since I was a kid,” I respond.

He shakes his head. “Not that,” he says, then spreads his hands to take in the whole of the water front. “This! I know you’re behind this.”

“W-what do you mean?” Despite my best efforts, my voice shakes.

“There was something different about that Monday,” he continues, without acknowledging my fumbled response. “It was like there was a question I asked differently, or you suddenly knew an answer that you shouldn’t. The class seemed… off.”

He studies me closely and it takes a moment for me to realize he’s now within arm’s reach! My heart pounds so loudly I fear it will leap from my chest as I hurry to put distance between us! With each beat, I expect him to leap toward me. What evil plan does he have?

A gunshot echoes in my mind as I hurry. Blood sprays in the darkness and a body falls. With each step, the scene plays again and my poor heart is doing everything it can to escape!

My toe jabs something and I stumble forward. A sign post looms before me and I grab it before I can fall. There I cling, heart pound, pound, pounding in my chest. I shake as I cling to the sign post. A broken street stretches before me into toppled buildings. Behind me comes a sharp laugh.

With breath in tattered gasps, I pull myself upright and turn. In the gloom of the night he stands, eyes glittering in the moon light. His intense gaze studies me, devours me, and I shudder. There’s a distinctive lupine cast to his look and it takes all my will not to run. He doesn’t move though, just stares at me hungrily, waiting.

Gradually, my heartbeat slows and I can hear the world around me again. My breathing also becomes easier and the sign post is no longer needed. I keep a hand on it though as I straighten myself. It takes a few seconds for me to recall his last words. “W-what are you talking about?”

“Something happened that day,” he says. He tilts his head and his eyes glint cold in the starlight. “Like the ripple of fabric in the wind, only less tangible. As if the ripple was in my thoughts, disrupting them. It happened several times that week, but less noticeable than on Monday.

“Thursday though, that was different. So many ripples it was like my mind was a toy boat on the bay tossed by the waves. And then, it ended. And I awoke in a bunker with Victoria Chase and David Madsen. Only, it didn’t seem correct. I could swear another person had been there, was supposed to be there.”

His hands tighten into fists, and for once he’s not looking at me. Like I did earlier, he stares into the depths of the ruined diner. I use the opportunity to put more debris between us. I don’t know what he has planned and I’ll take all the protection I can get.

“I knew what my plans were, who was supposed to be there. Once I freed myself from that incompetent soldier, I went back to the bunker and looked around. Do you know what I found? A memory of you tied to a chair! It’s not the first time I’ve experienced such lost memories.”

He kicks a pebble into the diner and watches it bounce among the bits of wall and flooring. His hands relax and he faces me. “It’s what drew me to Arcadia Bay after all. I think it draws all of us. Everyone who has such a gift.”

The silence after his statement is obviously him fishing for information. I shift weight to my other foot and fold my arms. “What do you mean ‘a gift’?”

“Oh, don’t be fucking evasive,” he spits. The cool demeanor he likes to convey finally splits and the anger I glimpsed in the dark room seethes to the surface. “I know you can manipulate time! It’s how you were able to escape your photo session with me!”

Jefferson raises his hands and switches his focus to them. A faint glow outlines them. “And I’m able to do this,” he whispers. Between us a jagged line appears in the air. It stretches and widens to become bigger than me, bigger than us. The edges sparkle blue and purple in shifting patterns. As it widens, it becomes translucent, like a window with colored panes. Through it is visible another place, not the ruins of Arcadia Bay.

The unease returns and an urge to throw up rises in me. I can feel that sensation in the back of my throat, where my tongue gets all funny just before I puke. I grab my throat and rewind.

Reality shifts, but not in a way that happens when I rewind. It jerks in multiple directions at the same time. The sickness I was trying to hold back, the reason I rewound, explodes from me as reality twists in ways wholly unnatural.

The rewind ends, or perhaps it never began, but reality keeps twisting. I am sick. I am hale. I am all things and nothing. Reality shifts and churns around me. It has Jefferson in its throes, morphing him into all his possibilities including none at all.

Like I’ve seen before and yet wholly unexpected, people step from the portal Jefferson opened. They seem unaffected by the convulsions of reality. A light purple in color they take in the surroundings then focus their gaze on me.

Like the gentle brush of a feather, something touches my mind. The contact is brief, then gone.

“_You are the source.” _The words without voice appear in reality, or maybe they are in my mind?

I step away from them in the brokenness that chafes me.

“_You will come with us.”_

The one closest to me gestures and its companions step around it. They are taller than me, taller than Jefferson. In the shifting shards of reality that surround us they appear even more imposing.

“Who are you,” I shout as I scurry backwards. I’m careful to keep as much debris as possible between them and I.

“_Your destiny,”_ the voice replies.

_What the fuck? That’s ultra-cliche._

“How about no,” I reply. One of them lunges at me and I stumble as I try to get away! I’m falling, falling, falling, and their hand reaches toward mine. There is contact like the coldness of ice water around my wrist and I gasp. Reflexively, I slip into the stillness.

And all that is and was and will be is gone.

* * *

The memory fades into the dying light of the setting sun and I find myself on my feet. Chloe has one arm around me, as if steadying me. The town calls to me, it pulls at my heart like it did so many years ago. Only this time, I see the truth buried in its depths.

“I… have to finish something,” I whisper.

“Let me go with you.” Chloe voice pulls at me, too. I turn and look into eyes that should fill me with hope and love and good things. All I can see is my own shame.

“You can’t,” I whisper, or at least try to. What I saw, what I am, weighs upon me. It presses me down and chokes me.

Before Chloe can respond, I slip from the streams that have defined my life for too long. The truth is out there.

It’s been there all along.

I was too wrapped up in myself to see it.

I was too confused by their agent and my pain to know.

But I am free. As free as I can be in this moment.

I am broken.

But I am not the only thing broken.

I slip into that place in between streams. The last time I was here I thought it merely a transit, a conduit to home. It’s so much more. Unnatural. A beautiful mess of possibilities and realities and unrealities.

A storm of impossibility that both is and isn’t. It churns and roils insubstantially in colors beyond description. The longer I look at it, the more it confuses.

Rachel possibly was right about the storm that wiped out Arcadia Bay. Perhaps I was not the cause of it.

The storm that rages here is completely different. There is no doubt in my mind about this storm. It started the day Jefferson and I had a clash of powers in Arcadia Bay.

The moment that never was and yet shall be is its seed. The power reaches beyond itself, tearing at the fundamental nature of time. Tearing at the nature of me.

It is also rooted in me. A multitude of ethereal tendrils connect the storm and I. A strange pairing that produces unpredictable fragments of reality. Some are short-lived, flaring to life for seconds or minutes before collapsing. Others seem more permanent, joining the throng of realities that swarm the area.

In their midst, swirl the endless possibilities of myself, Kate, Chloe, and so many more. They live and breathe, separate yet intertwined. And the storm and I are its constant.

Even as I float in their midst, they pull at me. A nigh irresistible gravity that seeks to consume me, to return me to their embrace. But I can’t be in all of them, even as I am.

At the core of the storm is the truth of who I am. At my approach, the chaos unfolds to reveal its secret. Within the turmoil of its heart resides the reality that I tried so hard not to see. Here, there is no denying it or hiding from it. At its sight, all my defenses are peeled painfully away. It stabs me to the core and I cry out as the memory bursts forth in my mind.

I want to deny it! I need to deny it! But I can’t, even as it wrenches me in new directions. The enormity of what it is crushes me. But it is myself who does the crushing. Ineptitude. Stupid reasoning. Wishful thinking. These are how I got here. Now that the memory is free, there is no putting it back. It refuses my efforts, burning me in my attempts. A burn that sears not the flesh but the soul.

It is the reality I deny. The reality that causes me to question my own existence. She knew after all.

I need to bring this to an end, but I don’t know how. And I don’t know if I can.

That is the part the Others hid from me. Or perhaps, in actuality, I hid it from myself. They turned that truth into a tool to further their unfathomable purpose. Who they are and what they want I don’t care right now. The only thing important is undoing what I’ve done, healing the destruction I’ve caused.

My heart sinks as I consider the innumerable realities that crowd the area. I lack the will to figure out what to do, how to solve this. Again and again I have found myself placed in impossible situations, situations I created by that one act. Failed decision heaped upon failed decision weighs upon me, destroying hope and love and so many other things. I lack the energy to care anymore. I want to go home.

Even though I know that’s just me running again. Like I’ve been doing for years whether consciously or not.

The turbulence seems to sense my thoughts and it pulses strongly. It grows nearer, pulling at me with its nigh-irresistible force.

**Home**, It seems to say. **Comfort. Safety.** Within its depths I see a way, but no. I shake my head and turn my back on it. That too is a trap.

_Which one is home?_

_If I’m able to fix this… to heal this, will the other realities disappear? Will I damn untold billions… trillions of people to death and non-existence?_

I raise my hand as if I could touch the realities and feel the answer.

But there is no answer.

And there is no help.

I am alone.

Like I began.

The despair within me grows to consume my mind. I have hurt more than any one person should be able to. I want to stop visiting pain upon people. But I don’t know if that is possible. It seems all I’m capable of now.

It’s what She accused me of.

A finger brushes a fragment and sends it spinning along a new orbit. If orbit it can be called for each follows its own chaotic path. Sometimes they collide and merge and form something new. Other times they collide and disappear. Many never collide in the maelstrom.

_I need Chloe and Kate._

But they aren’t here. And I don’t deserve them.

_Do they even exist?_

In the vastness of the universe of realities around me, I know they do. But are they all just copies, just splinters of the originals? Is original even a thing?

_Does Home still exist or did I destroy it to create this… place?_

It’s hard to see the maelstrom as the fragments and fractals begin to blur together. I collapse to my knees, or would if I wasn’t floating in this mess. I can’t do this alone. Not anymore. That’s all I’ve been for years now, bouncing from place to place, caught in this chaotic prison.

I drop my face into my hands as my sight continues to blur. A sob chokes its way into existence despite my efforts to control myself. Like I’ve ever been able to control myself.

_I… I need Chloe and Kate… I… can’t do this on my own…_

The maelstrom seems to surge in response to my despair. Its presence pummels me until I lift my head and stare into its unnatural depths. Despite not being alive, it seems hungry, eager to devour me and I pull back quickly. Its embrace is not the ending I long for.

Rebuffed, it drifts away to resume its restless churning. New realities continue to spawn quicker than the eye can perceive.

_All I wanted was a way to-to redeem myself, to heal the guilt I bear. And what I did was so much worse._

I look at the monstrous storm as it continues to create and destroy realities. Everything is so blurry.

_Maybe I should let it take me, devour me, trap me forever here. Nothing can make up for the suffering I’ve caused, the chaos I’ve sown._

The thought is more than a passing notion. All it would take is to stop resisting. Even just a single step would do. It could be an accident, a temporary lapse of will. And it would all be over.

_Release. _It pulls at my heart in a surprising way. All this turmoil and uncertainty and guilt and pain and grief and loss and burden would be gone.

_I would finally be free._

A finger twitches at the thought and my mind even seems to lighten a little.

Yet, something else pulls at my heart.

Fingers that brush my hair.

A bad joke that lightens the mood.

A heart willing to listen.

Words sound in my heart, transported from different places to comfort me. “She will hold you and give to you in a way that I can’t describe. You will feel loved more than anything else.”

Chloe’s words sing in my heart as two figures slowly form amidst the chaos. They aren’t wholly here for the debris of realities spin through them and are visible beyond them. But it’s enough. Kate kneels with her head bowed and palms resting on her legs. Chloe has her arm around her shoulders, mouth close to Kate’s ear and whispering.

I focus on the maelstrom before me. Always hungry, always searching, always destroying. It wants me. It almost had me.

Hands fold around mine, at once here yet not here.

I make my choice.


	34. New Horizons

I am broken

There is no reality but me

The fractures of my life make me more

They make me less

For I am nothing

I lay awake, staring into the darkness of night that doesn’t give me answers or hope. It just is. And I am. But this is not and at any moment I expect it to end.

On either side of me lay the two who have defined my life. I don’t understand why they accept me because I take and take and take, but they disagree. I should listen to them.

But I can’t.

I rise in the stillness of time and slip from the bed. They shouldn’t sleep with one who has as much blood on her hands as me.

I move between time to the backyard. There I slip into reality as I seat myself to stare into the nothingness that is the Portland night.

Time passes, but not much, before she comes to me. She always does and I don’t know how or why. Kate slips into the backyard, robe tied around her waist. Behind her will come Chloe. It’s always that way. Kate first to comfort and console, Chloe to bind us together.

It’s been a relative five months since I figured things out. I’m guessing at the time frame because it’s early summer now. The days are a strange haze of existence interspersed with nights of terror. Kate slides onto a chair next to me. We sit in silence together, serenaded by the distant city sounds. Above, the universe wheels around the earth.

Each day, each moment, I expect it to end.

Fingers slip over mine and curl around them. Kate’s hand is a welcome warmth, an anchor between my soul and what should be.

“Couldn’t sleep,” she asks between moments. Her voice is a mere whisper, afraid to disturb the life around us, yet bold enough to slip through my defenses.

I look at Kate, my Kate and wonder _is she really my Kate? Am I really her Max? _There are moments between moments when I’m in her arms that it all is real and never ending. Those feelings are fleeting.

“Couldn’t sleep,” I whisper in return.

“Anything you’d like to talk about?”

I breathe out, a stirring of realities that spring into life. “The same thing.”

She’s silent for a moment before saying, “You experienced extraordinary things, Max. I think it’s natural to feel overwhelmed and out of sorts. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

And then she does something that makes me wonder if this is the real Kate or one made by wishful thinking. She scoots to the side and pats the chair. “Come sit with me,” she whispers.

I hesitate and in the moment between moments the possibilities that are endless spread before me and I know I can choose and order and dictate. But I’ve had enough of that. I close my eyes and shut out what could be and choose. With a smoothness I don’t believe I’m capable of, I slip from my chair to hers.

She snuggles me into her arms and for a moment, just a moment, this is a reality beyond all others.

_Let this be real! Let this last!_

She leans my head against her shoulder and tilts hers against mine. We sit in the stillness of the night with only our breathing and heartbeats to build the tapestry of this new reality.

_She is real._

_I am real._

But it too will come to an end.

The thought ripples through me, intensifying as I struggle to hold onto the moment that she builds. It tears me apart and doesn’t build me anew.

The soft snick of a door closing disrupts the unreality that churns within me. A shadowy figure stands before us and for a moment I think it is Her returned from Beyond to torment me again.

“Doesn’t look like there’s room for more on there,” Chloe says and dispels the fear-induced apparition. “How about over here?” She gestures to a wicker couch covered in thick cushions. Before I know it, Kate has helped me stand and we walk toward the couch.

Each step is a fear that I will jump to another reality.

Each moment is a certainty that this will end.

The maelstrom awaits.

But nothing happens before we reach the couch where Chloe is sprawled. She accepts me into her arms and Kate snuggles next to me. I don’t know how they do it, but they have me in such a way that I hear their heartbeats in each ear.

Thump thump

Thump thump

Thump thump

Thump thump

The sounds soothe in a way their words don’t. My hands cling to theirs, tenuous tethers to the here and now. Only during these moments does the numbness pull back and allow me to feel. It’s a mixture: buried grief, joy, loathing, all the things I shut out to protect myself.

“I don’t belong here.” My words float onto the night air as insubstantial as me.

“With us…” Chloe’s words trail into silence. She knows what I mean but doesn’t want to say it. That’s how it’s been for too long now.

“You belong here,” Kate says with warmth and assurance. “You always belonged here.”

I shake my head to deny her truth. “It’s all fleeting,” I whisper to dispel the vision she tries to build. “I will go without warning, pulled into some other place. Always at the wrong time.” By the end, my voice quavers with the emotions evoked. I have to put them away before they can stay around and make me more.

“How long has it been,” Chloe asks.

“Five months.”

“That seems an awfully long time to go without leaving.”

A student without memory comes to mind. For a moment, I see a mirror with cards taped to the wall around it. “There were times where I’d go months, years even, without a change.”

“And what happens to the Max you leave behind?” Of course Kate asks that. Her fingers trail along my arm, settling in the rhythm that roots me in the here and now. The numbness is back in force.

“She continues on without knowing I was even there.” _I think, because I don’t really know._

“Sounds shitty to me.”

Kate makes a sound at Chloe’s comment, but doesn’t correct her.

“It is… was. Will be.”

We fall into a silence, me cradled between them. In the days between then and now, I’ve tried to return to a semblance of life. But semblance is all it is. It’s the reality I was in before, I think, where I returned to the bedroom of my parent’s old Seattle home.

True to her word, Rachel took off for California after the strange showdown at Blackwell. Unpowered and back to who she was, things are better between us, I think. She’s more relaxed and happy, yet still with that focus that drives her. We hear from her occasionally. She’s doing well which makes me happy. The pain I felt upon realizing she worked against me faded after I faced my own problems. That was helped by her actively working to correct her own behavior.

Kate, wonderful Kate, helped rebuild a connection with my parents. It began with my mom. Kate found she and Vanessa enjoyed the same Netflix show. Soon, Kate got her to come over and join us in watching it. The first couple of times were strained, then Chloe got us all laughing about something that happend at the shop. Before, I knew it, mom and I were talking again.

Then dad. Oh boy, that was rough. If my emotions had not been so detached I think we’d still be mad at each other. Mom was the one who got him to listen again. He was so hurt by my absence. It reminded me of the five years I left Chloe without friendship, without hope. When he let the feelings bottled inside his heart out into the world, it wasn’t anger, it was sadness and fear. When he broke down, the numbness pulled back for a moment and I cried with him. We forgave each other and cried and he held me like he used to. My dad.

I now work at the cafe across the street from Chloe’s shop. It’s convenient and I’ve learned new things. The owner is friendly and fun to work with. Her name is Katrice and Chloe’s boss’s name is Janice. I repeat that to myself.

_It’s not Dana…_

Yet no matter what I do, it’s always there: the certainty I will blink and be somewhere else. Because there is a place…

Fingers smooth my hair, disrupting those thoughts. “How’d you like to do something different this weekend,” Chloe asks.

“Like what?”

“Go camping.”

That’s not what I expected. “Where?”

“We found a place not far from here,” Kate replies, her whisper tickling my ear. I wiggle it to try and squash the uncomfortable sensation.

“That might be nice,” I reply. Trees tower in my mind. A mountain lake appears at their base with a cozy cabin overlooking it. “Let’s do it.”

Sometime later we make our way back to bed where we snuggle into my favorite position. Kate tucks her head under my chin and I soon hear the soft sounds of sleep. Her hair is soft and smooth under my fingers. She washed it before coming to bed. I play with it while I listen to both she and Chloe sleep.

My body feels their presence, pressed against me front and back. Breath flutters my shirt and tickles the hairs of my neck. Fingers lightly clutch my sleep shirt near my shoulder. Chloe’s arm over my waist is a weighty comfort.

All this I feel, but I’m barely present for it. There’s another thing that haunts me. It’s pursued me for years, dogging my steps and doing its best to pull me into its dark embrace.

Just below the surface of Kate’s joy and love lays a deep wound. Lynn snores in another room, bearing the same wound. A wound I inflicted and that I twist deeper every day. They deny it, but I see it lurking behind their eyes.

A similar wound exists in Chloe. No matter how many times they tell me it’s ok, that I’m not the cause of the wounds, I can’t bring myself to believe it. They aren’t me. They don’t know what I know.

In the shadows of the night, the ruins of Arcadia Bay loom tall and scary. They cast their pall over me, an accusation that I cannot deny. And I don’t want to. I can’t.

It takes a long time for me to fall asleep. Gradually, the gentle breathing of my girlfriends unravel the doom that hangs over me and sleep pulls me into its harsh embrace.

Because my nights are filled with the terror I unleashed upon my family. It’s rarely bad enough to wake me up, not like the early days where I dealt with both that and the terror of Jefferson. Now I see Joyce, Sarah, and so many more in my nightmares. They never let me forget what I did. Each night they drive that guilt deeper, harder, as if they want to break me.

As if I’m not broken enough.

When morning comes, it’s to awaken me to a bleary day and a numb mind. I stumble from bed to shower to clothes to meal to work. I stumble through life and have been for five months now. At some point I’ll stumble to a point of no return, but I don’t know when, nor to what.

And so it is that the weekend arrives with no fanfare, but Chloe shaking me awake. “Come on, sleepy head,” she says as I groan and turn over. She pulls the pillow from my head. Fingers tickle my feet and I shout and giggle. When I pull them toward me, the fingers follow intent on giving me no rest.

“No fair,” I pout as I glare at my girlfriends. They smile and laugh. Kate sits behind me and pulls me up to give me a kiss. “Good morning, Max,” she says as her scents wrap me in comfort. I groan with satisfaction and lean up to kiss her.

It doesn’t take me long to shower and dress. Remarkably, the numb haze that has clouded my mind for months isn’t present this morning.

_Perhaps I needed a change._

I exit our bedroom to find the car already packed. Chloe sits on the back of the couch, bouncing the car keys on her palm. “Everyone’s ready to go,” she says as she stands. “Just need you. Food’s in the car too.”

“But… I didn’t pack…”

“We got you, Max,” she says with a smile and walks to the door.

“What about breakfast?”

“We’ve got that sorted out too.”

She rushes me out of the house, barely giving me time to grab a jacket. Lynn and Kate are in the car. Lynn has her window rolled down and she shouts out a greeting as Chloe locks the door behind us.

Then, I’m in the backseat with Kate buckling my belt. Chloe has us on the street moments later and points the car toward the freeway. Kate hands me a bundle wrapped in foil. When I unwrap it, I find a warm meal waiting for me. Her face lights up when I thank her and I can tell she wants to scoot over and hug me.

Lynn has the window down with the wind blowing her hair. She sticks her head into the breeze until Kate urges her to close the window. Lynn sighs, slumps back into her see and begins chatting with Chloe. Ever since the events surrounding Jefferson were sorted out, she’s been more open and relaxed. She rarely hides herself in her room or shuts us out with her earbuds. She and Kate do things on the regular and they are more like sisters again. The crush Lynn had on me has faded into a friendship. From conversations it seems she has a crush on someone at school, now.

I eat the food Kate prepared me, which is so good. Her cooking skills improved greatly the last few months, and they were already good. Kate joins Lynn and Chloe in their conversation while I eat and watch the landscape slide by.

Chloe takes us south, first by I-5, then by secondary highway. We stop for brunch at a small cafe in some tiny town. The food is good and quick and before I know it, we’re on the road again.

“Aren’t we traveling a long way just for a weekend stay,” I ask. We’re in the mountains and honestly I expected we’d be at a campsite now.

Chloe grins at me in the rearview mirror. “We’re almost there!” When it seems like I’ll get nothing more specific, I turn my attention to the outside world.

Trees, thick with needles and leaves, line the road. All sorts of green bushes grow at their feet. The vegetation is so thick it’s hard to see the ground or further than a few feet.

We drive along the mountain road, climbing higher and higher. A sense of familiarity begins to grow in me the further we drive. The way some trees are clustered, or the look of some glades, the way a dead tree leans against its neighbors. That sense builds and intensifies until the car stops in an open area. I open the door and step from the car into a dream.

Trees tower around an alpine lake with a small rise to its side. My eyes follow the swell of land afraid of what they’ll see. It’s only a flat area. No cabin. Breath streams from me in a hiss.

“Are you ok,” Kate asks. Her hand brushes mine, grounding me.

I shake my head as my stomach tumbles and say, “This place… how did you find it?”

“Friend of a friend,” Chloe says as she pulls things from the trunk. Lynn is at her side and picks up some of the gear and starts walking. Kate and I go to Chloe’s side and help with the gear.

A dark blotch on the road near the car draws my eye. A sweet scent blows to me in the breeze. _Strawberries. _Fingers touch my cheek though no one stands nearby. My feet walk through the dirt and gravel toward the spot. The bags in my hands are as nothing as the darkened earth and pebbles consume my sight.

Words float to me in the air, laden with strawberries and happiness. “Don’t give in to it. Don’t let him him!”

_Chloe!_

_Jess._

The words pin me in place and the world goes still.

Gun fire.

Blood.

Death.

Blonde hair matted with blood.

Cries of grief.

Blue eyes accusing me.

I can’t breathe. _I CAN’T BREATH!_

“Max?”

Air rushes into my lungs at the sound of Kate’s voice. She lays a hand on my arm. “Are you ok?” She peers at me and I don’t know what to say. Beyond her, the flutters in the breeze. I nod my head and start walking again. Her grip tightens and stops me.

“Max, what’s wrong?”

I look at her and see the woman who stands before me and the woman covered in blood that mourns for lives lost. Beyond her is a blood splattered porch where two woman crouch over a motionless body. With a hard swallow, I whisper, “No. This place… I’ve been here before, in another … time.” Beyond the cabin the maelstrom waits. It pulses excitedly as it lurks beyond reality.

“Oh.” Her small voice packs a lot into that single word. It pulls my eyes away from the memory or whatever it is to her. “Are you… will you be ok?”

“I don’t know. Here, or a place just like here, is where I began to come to myself. A lot happened here.”

She rubs my arm and warmth spreads from her to me. Immediately, the memory and unease flee. “We can go somewhere else, I think,” she offers.

“No,” I say with another shake of my head. “This place… it’s beautiful. I think I’ll be ok.”

“Would you like to talk about it?”

Chloe passes us, a sleeping bag under each arm and a pack slung across her back. “Maybe later,” I say distractedly as I watch Chloe walk up the path. I look back at Kate and smile, then I turn and follow Chloe. The sound of crunching gravel behind me tells me Kate is following.

Grasses and flowers and small bushes cover the flat area. In this reality the space is not large enough to hold the cabin that I remember. I set my load on the ground, turn, and look at the pond. A shiver runs up my back when I see the view.

_This is definitely where that cabin was._

Kate touches me and I smile at her. Then, in between worlds I help Chloe retrieve the rest of the gear. Once the car is empty we begin assembling the tent. It’s one of those large dome styles with a bunch of poles that snap together. Chloe and I spread out the tent where the main room of the cabin was and fasten it to the ground while the sisters assemble the poles.

The couch was the perfect place to watch the sun bring light to the valley. We used to sit on it, talking, drinking coffee, eating breakfast. I shake the memory from my mind as I pound another stake in.

The tent goes up quickly, with only one mishap from Chloe when a pole slips and slaps her hand. When she tries to shake the sting from her hand, she loses her balance and falls into the tent with flailing arms and a shout. Thankfully, neither she nor the tent are hurt; she tells a bad joke and we move on.

On the other side of the clearing, Lynn sets up her own tent. “No fucking way am I sleeping in the same tent as you three,” she says when I ask. “I want my tent as far away from you as possible.” Chloe laughs and makes a crude comment that flares heat in my face.

Once the tents are ready and camp is made, I grab a bottle of water and walk down to the pond. The others join me after a moment. They slip and slide down the hill behind me. _It was so much easier with the path. _I stop where I used to stand each morning and wait for the sun to crest the mountains behind us. Right now, the sun is in front of me and to my left. I shade my eyes as I look at the rippling water.

The water bottle makes a popping noise when I open it and take a sip. Lynn comes and stands to my left. I glance at her, then back at the water. A thought occurs to me then and I turn and face her. “You knew about this place didn’t you?”

A dark hue creeps up her neck but she doesn’t speak. “Why…” My words fail before they can even form.

But she provides the answer. “You said it earlier,” she says. “Here is where it began. It was the first place I was able to contact you through one of my duplicates. It’s where you began to figure things out. I thought it would be a good place to come for the weekend.”

“But… why? Why do I need to come here?”

“Because you aren’t healed,” Kate says. “We didn’t bring you here to face stuff from your past, only to let you get away from the pressures of everyday life. You haven’t slowed down since we got back. Even when you’re at home you’re always doing something.”

“That’s not like you,” Chloe says as she steps into view. “You don’t even go to your quiet places anymore. You haven’t given yourself time to rest. So… we decided to help with that.”

I don’t know what to say to that. They’re right, and I’m not comfortable with that. And I’m not comfortable that they took this on without talking with me. No, that’s not the right word. I’m scared.

“If I stop,” I whisper with my eyes focused on the rippling water beyond Chloe, “then I’ll think and… feel. It’s bad enough when that happens at night while I sleep and my mind is loosed from my control.”

“And we’ll be here for you.” Arms slip around me. The water sparkles with the sun’s rays overhead. Bright white and golden mixed with green, the light holds my gaze and grows and intensifies until it’s all I can see. And through it I see what I can’t, shouldn’t.

“Maybe I don’t want to…” Did I speak that or think it?

“Anyways…” I look at Chloe who now stands between Lynn and I. “I’m not really comfortable with this. I know you mean well.” I step from their arms and turn to look at them. All three look worried. “But you really should have asked me before bringing me here, not surprised me with this! You… you don’t know what you’re asking of me!”

I slip into the stillness of time as the light grows to encompass all of us. The scene ripples and distorts and starts to tear as I turn away and run toward the trees! It’s the same trees I would frequent when She tormented me with memories. That doesn’t matter now. She’s gone somewhere and the maelstrom is behind me, hungry, seeking me.

I run and run and run and run! But it’s never far enough or long enough to keep me away from the monster I created. At last I collapse against a tree and slide to the ground. There, sitting in a pile of pine needles and twigs, I let time resume, because that’s all I can do.

With head on my arms, I shiver as I think about what awaits me. The numbness is gone and I want it back so much right now!

But it won’t come when I want it. Instead, life squeezes my heart and I cough. That same grip shifts to my throat and seems intent on throttling me.

I hope it does.

The forest, normally a place of calm and beautiful sounds, is lost in a dull roar and splotches of color.

_I can’t do this! I… I can’t!_

Through the static I hear their cries. “Max!” It pushes my stomach toward my throat. It’s a struggle, but I remain silent. The tree grinds its bark into my back, a painful reminder of where I am.

Again, my name rebounds from the trees.

_Let them call for a while._

In my heart I know it’s not completely fair. They don’t understand the tenuous balance I walk each day. They don’t understand the terrible weight that now intends to crush me.

_How could they know, Max, when you don’t tell them?_

I press the heels of my hands against my forehead as if I could push the pain and thoughts out of my body.

_Maybe I should tell them._

_How will that help?_

I raise my head and look at the trees around me. To my eyes, more than a forest surrounds me. I see myself in that other time walking among the trees. Sometimes Chloe or Kate are with her. In the distance, the maelstrom turns and disrupts the sounds of life with its static.

Except its static is one word, over and over and over: killer.

The snap of a twig disrupts the experience and I look to my left. Kate stands, her head swinging this way and that. The filtered light glitters from tear tracks on her cheeks. At sight of her, the weight seems less, the danger a little further away.

Awkwardly, I raise my hand and whisper her name. Her head snaps in my direction and she looks at me a moment. She walks toward me, wiping her eyes with her fingers. “Max,” she says in a strained whisper. “I… I’m sorry.”

“No,” I say with a shake of my head. “You didn’t know.” She stops just out of arm’s reach. “Maybe… maybe I should explain tonight.”

“Tonight,” she asks and steps closer.

Her fingers hook with mine and she tugs me up and close. I step into her space and brush stray hair from her face. The tightness is gone, as if her touch and presence banished it. With a small smile, she leans in and kisses my cheek.

“You lived here for a while in a different… reality,” she hesitantly asks.

“I did. There was a beautiful cabin where the tents are. If… We’d never been found, I’d likely still be there.”

_Does that reality still exist? Did it collapse after…? What happens to all those possibilities?_

She seems to sense the sad thought that claims me because she gives me a quick hug, then asks, “What are you thinking of?”

I look at our feet. Pine needles, twigs, and other forest debris cover our sneakers and boots. I wiggle one foot to knock a twig off. “Whether that place still exists,” I whisper to the ground. “Whether… the Kate, Chloe, and Lynn that live there are ok.”

She doesn’t answer and I risk a quick glance. Her head is tilted slightly and a concerned smile graces her face. “Would you show me your favorite places here.” A gentle tug on my hand has me following her.

She leads me down the hill, our arms stretched out between us. It returns me to walking the train tracks with Chloe, but only for a moment. The figure she cuts in her jeans, boots, and long-sleeved t-shirt is wholly her own. I hurry up until I’m by her side. “I don’t know if those places exist here,” I say, “but the first one is over here.” I gesture to my right before I turn and give our hands a little tug.

She comes up to my side and switches hands so one wraps around my arm and the other holds my hand. Her head rests on my shoulder. It’s awkward but there is no denying that it sends little vibes of goodness through me. Those vibes continue to keep those other thoughts and emotions at bay. We pass within sight of Chloe who does a double take. A smile explodes on her face and she waves then calls out to Lynn that I’m ok.

We spend the rest of the day exploring the hills and forest around the pond and camp site. I tell her a little about our life here, but only the good parts. The time when Doctor Smith returned with all the violence and stuff I leave out.

_Was there even a Doctor Smith or was it always… him?_

We don’t see any animals, though we hear plenty of them. Faint calls and the crackle of dry wood snapping or the rustle of undergrowth tell us that the forest is alive.

Kate’s totally into me. She asks all sorts of questions about my favorite spots, about my thoughts and feelings. There is a look in her eyes whenever I catch her gazing at me that makes me feel all funny in the best way possible. When we stand, she wraps her arms around me, head on my shoulder and listens to me speak. Sometimes we sit, and then she’s practically on my lap. Her lips always find mine to draw me into a warm haze entirely unlike what I’ve lived in the last few months.

With the way she makes me feel, I’m even able to make a few corny jokes which makes her laugh. The sound as it rings through the forest, draws little flutters inside and I catch my breath each time.

Her affection isn’t new, but today seems to have both a warmth and intensity that she seldom shows. Especially since we are outside the privacy of our bedroom. Though since the morning we went to the arboretum, our affection has been limited to cuddling and talking. When I would kiss her, a sad smile would creep over her face and she’d gently pull away. Now, it’s like she’s trying to catch up for all those months.

Or she fears something, like me leaving.

Or I’m bullshitting myself, because I can’t let myself have good things.

_A murderer doesn’t deserve good things…_

The day passes with stolen glances, soft gazes, lips brushing cheeks, and all sorts of smiles and giggles. It’s the most relaxing, fun time I’ve had in months. It almost makes forget where we are and what lurks beyond perception to claim my soul.

Evening finds the four of us lounging around a campfire with a simple supper of food we brought. Kate packed a selection of her favorite herbal teas, which she and I are drinking right now. Chloe’s sipping her own favorite brew while Lynn enjoys plain water.

There’s something about eating or drinking from camping equipment that changes the taste. The lavender tea tastes so much different than it does at home as I take another sip from the dark blue and white cup. I settle back and look at the fire Chloe built.

The fire flickers and crackles as it slowly devours the wood we gathered. I enjoy watching the sparks rise into the air, like tiny stars brought to life for a short time. I try not to think of their resemblance to the short-lived realities at the heart of places. The sweet smell of marshmallows and chocolate mixes with the smoke and pine and burning sap to create a unique ambiance.

I set the cup on the ground next to me, then lay back with a small smile, my head cradled in my hands, and gaze at the stars. Although I’d promised earlier to tell them, I’m not sure I can.

_Can I look at each of them and tell them? How will they look at me afterward?_

The thought causes my stomach to churn. I close my eyes to listen to the world around me. Perhaps that will calm me, or give me the confidence I need.

Chloe and Lynn tease each other mercilessly. Kate occasionally breaks in with a joke, or sometimes to tell them they crossed a line. Beyond the sounds of our little family is the wide world with its sounds and smells: night birds with their calls high above in the trees; creatures that slip through the brush and undergrowth; an occasional plop from the pond from a fish or other creature.

I open my eyes and look into the starry heavens. A thick band of stars, bright and twinkling, is overhead. There is a beauty in the shapes they form, the different colors they have. And most of all, there is a mysterious beauty with the infinity they promise.

But I have seen that infinity and it’s scary.

_I’ve put this off long enough…_

I sit up and wrap my arms around my legs. The popping, sparking fire pulls my eyes. I stare into its depths, into the ever changing colors and shapes formed by the flames.

“You deserve to know the truth,” I say slowly, barely a whisper above the crackle of the fire. A pain shoots through me and I barely choke back a sob. Pain flashes into my sight as my head bangs against my knees. I cover my head to hide from my family. All it took was the briefest thought to pierce my defenses and bring me down. All the thoughts and feelings I held at bay through the day flood me and I can’t stand against them.

Within a moment, a hand rubs my shoulder. From the other side comes the scuffs and sounds of someone sitting next to me.

“Hey,” Chloe says, “We’re here for you.”

_But I wasn’t…_

Another hand wraps around my shoulders. “It will be ok,” Kate whispers, “you can tell us anything.”

_You say that now._

It’s what was wrong with that memory She used to undermine me. Except She really didn’t need to do that.

With my head resting on my knees, I begin to speak.

“I… don’t belong here.” No matter how much effort I put into it, my voice trembles as I share this part of me. A reality I’ve hid from even myself. “You’ve heard me say that I both do and don’t… and that you make me feel… whole and connected to you… to here. That part is true… the rest…”

_Why does this have to be so fucking hard!_

My hands are digging into my hair now, pulling, twisting as I fight to bring to light the disaster that I am.

“When I stood on that hill and was given that dreadful choice… I didn’t choose you, Chloe.” The breath and spirit leaves me.

A log pops in the fire and it’s a gunshot in a restroom. I jump and stare at the flames devouring the wood.

_I wish they would consume me._

“What… do you mean,” Chloe asks slowly.

“I chose… I chose…”

_I can’t fucking say it!_

They’re near, so near! Their presence stifles me, smothers me and I have to get away! I jerk out of their arms and throw myself across the fire!

Smoke and rocks and burning wood follow me as I tumble against the ground! My breath leaves me in a whoosh but I don’t care. I have to get away from them! I have to escape the truth that wants to devour me. I roll to my feet coughing and wheezing to flee into the night. “Max, no! Please!”

Kate’s cry stops me, but only for a moment. From the edge of the firelight, I glance at them, eyes shifting rapidly. Kate, Chloe, and Lynn stand with open mouths and wide eyes. “It’s ok,” Lynn says.

“Don’t leave, please,” Kate begs.

Chloe doesn’t speak. She leaps across the flames and grabs my arms. Her grip is firm but not enough to hurt me. “You don’t need to go,” she says. “We know this isn’t… your reality, and that your real home is pulling at you hard.”

The revelation stuns me. I look at Chloe, slack-jawed and all thoughts of flight gone. A single word forms in my mind and tumbles from my mouth. “H-how?”

Chloe leans her head close and whispers, “For months now, you’ve been saying goodbye. Not verbally, no, but the way you do things. You’re withdrawn, unwilling to get close to us. I’ve been there, Max. Saying goodbye fucking hurts. Do you think I wouldn’t recognize it in the girl I love?”

A presence next to us signals Kate’s arrival, that and the honey-sweet goodness that surrounds her. It wraps us in safety and warmth in a way the fire never can. Fingers touch my hand, a light caress that quickly disappears.

“I asked Lynn for help,” Kate says. “After what happened… in Arcadia Bay I was… I was very worried and didn’t know how to help you. So I asked my sister if there was something she could do to help. She told me… that you didn’t… this was not your home.”

Their words have paralyzed me. This whole time I was lost in my haze, avoiding what I needed to do because I could lose them. Didn’t want to lose them! And they knew.

“Why?” The word falls from my lips in a croak.

“We miss you,” Kate whispers, her hand now holding mine. “I-we didn’t know what to do! We love you.”

“We kind of hoped there was a way you could stay,” Chloe blurts, hand rubbing the back of her head. “But we don’t know enough about this time stuff.”

“But no matter what,” Kate continues, “We want to help you heal. You’ve been carrying a weight on you-”

“A fucking huge weight that’s sunk you!”

“And it’s tearing you apart.”

I look at my girlfriends. A few months ago, their standing so close to me would have pushed me into a panic attack, like happened just minutes ago. Now it doesn’t. I don’t know what their close presence does. Beyond them the darkness of the forest calls to me. Solitude. Peace. Avoidance.

A gentle pressure on my arm brings my attention to Chloe. She nods her head toward the fire. “Come back,” she asks. “Please?” After a moment, I nod and she guides me back to the fire to sit between her and Kate. “I’m here,” she whispers. “Kate’s here. We both love you and are here to help you.”

I nod but don’t quite listen. The news that they already knew some of these things has my mind awhirl. Unfortunately, it’s alive with thoughts that bring me down. “What else do you know?” I lean forward to look at Lynn as I ask her that question.

She shrugs. “That’s basically it,” she says.

“Basically,” I echo. A little bit of red creeps into her face and she turns away. I watch her for a few moments in the flickering light of the campfire, but she doesn’t say anything more.

Chloe pulls at me lightly until I lean back. I find myself resting against her. “Is it ok if I join you,” Kate asks.

In answer, I hold out an arm. She slides against me, her head resting against my shoulder and arms around both of us. It’s awkward and slightly uncomfortable but for now I concentrate on the realness of this moment. The firmness of Chloe behind me. The scents of her sweat and cigarettes and weed and grease mingled with that of the campfire. Notes of sunshine and honey add an extra layer. It makes me tremble.

_I don’t belong here._

_I never have._

But I don’t want to return to where I belong. It will eat me alive.

Chloe shifts a little underneath us and clears her throat. “Would it uh help if you blazed,” she mumbles.

“What?”

Kate pops her head up to give Chloe a look I don’t understand.

“Yeah,” Chloe says. “I’ve got my stash and stuff with me. It might help you calm down.”

I think about it a while. It’s sweet that she’s trying to make this easy for me, but I’ve never blazed before and am scared it might have the wrong effects on me. Like send me into a coughing fit that I can’t get out of.

“Thanks,” I say. “Maybe another time.”

“Ok,” she says and kisses the top of my head. We lay there as I try to find a balance that lets me speak. What I need to share trembles at the promise of release.

“I chose…,” my voice comes from far away, a stranger’s voice that travels across time and reality to bring its heavy message. Fingers take my hand and loosely hold it. “On that bluff before the storm as it began to churn through town, I was convinced that the right thing to do was return to the bathroom and not interrupt Nathan. I thought…”

I screw my eyes tight as the sights and sounds and smells crash into my mind. The gunshot. The odor. It’s too much and I start trembling.

“I… I heard him… kill you.” The words are spoken by a raspy voice thick with grief and remorse and guilt and so many more things that choke the life from me. The gunshot echoes through my mind. Their arms are around me but I may as well as be in the depths of the sea for the comfort it gives me now.

Again, I am in that moment. A dated, stained linoleum floor that’s cold and numbs my butt is below me. At my back, the comfortless metal of the stall keeps me upright. Hands clench my head, the pull my hair and cover my head. Tears fall to the floor, marking the only clean spots. And I can’t move, I can’t move! If I do, Nathan’ll hear me and shoot me!

A popping noise makes me jump! I barely suppress the cry that will bring Nathan’s attention to me. I can’t let that happen! If he finds me, it will ruin the plan. Our plan.

Smoke accompanies the pop which ruins the image and memory that has captured me. It fades to a campfire scene with me clenching Chloe so tight my fingers ache. Both she and Kate speak my name softly and tell me it’s ok. Fingers desperately stroke my arms and other places in an attempt to sooth me.

Bands have constricted my chest and throat, cutting off all air. I claw at my shirt, at my face. I need air! I have to breathe!

Hazel eyes peer at me across a gulf I cannot cross. “Max,” comes Kate’s voice from a great distance. “It’s ok, Max. You can breathe. It’s ok to breathe.”

Breathe.

_Breathe._

The bands disappear and air loudly floods my lungs. Again and again I gulp the air. My attention is focused on the expansion of my chest, the air as it rushes in and out of my throat, and the way my head seems like it’s above the clouds.

Skin, fingers, touch my cheeks and I look up to see what appears to be a blue blob. I hurriedly wipe my face to find Chloe is looking at me. Next to her is Kate. Both look so sad with their downturned mouths and creased foreheads.

“We get it, Max,” Chloe whispers and places a hand on my shoulder. “We get it. You… you don’t need to tell us more.”

I shake my head, then nod. “No,” I croak. “You’re being nice, I know. I need to share this. I… I’ve kept it in too long. You’re right that it’s tearing me apart.”

Chloe glances at Kate, then looks at me. “Ok, as long as you feel safe.”

“With you and Kate,” I whisper, “I do.”

She returns to her seat, reclining against the log. Her arms are held out for me and I gladly sink between them. I’m mostly laying on her, my head pressed against her chest so I can hear her heart. I see Kate, hands fiddling with each other, glancing at us and the ground.

“Please,” I say and hold out my arm. With a smile, she reclines into our pile.

“Oof,” Chloe says. “Having my two girls on me is both hella sexy and a workout.”

“Are you saying I’m fat,” Kate exclaims, barely hiding a smile.

“Only with cuteness and love,” Chloe replies, uncharacteristically. Kate glows in response and snuggles against me and Chloe.

We lay in the cuddle pile, hard ground and hard Chloe beneath, warm hearts and comforting arms above. Kate gives my nose a little kiss and places a hand over mine. Chloe has her hands on both of us. Their warmth and love slowly fill me and push aside the debilitating thoughts. When my heart seems full, I speak.

And the moment I do, the plug is pulled and all those good feelings leak from me. They drain rapidly, pulling my soul with them.

“I… had to sit there, without a sound while… while… my friend… who means so much more to me than a friend… her life… slipped away and I couldn’t cry! I couldn’t do anything because I was afraid he’d hear me and shoot me before… before I did what I was supposed to do!”

An iron tang mixed with an acrid smoky odor fills my eyes and nose and they leak all over. The tremble returns and stops my voice. Chloe and Kate hold me, and caress my arm and face. The scene is in my mind, in my heart. The sounds, the smell are forever burned into me!

But my girlfriends don’t give up as I shake and cry and scream and tear at myself with a grief I’ve held in for years. Their voices, their touches, even their scents gradually makes themselves known through the haze of my grief. Their presence leads me lovingly to a place where I can accept their care.

“It’s ok to feel those emotions,” Kate whispers. “You went through something horrible, that no one should have to experience.”

“But I-” a sob chokes my voice away.

“It’s ok,” Chloe says and she kisses my head.

I lay in their arms as the emotions tear me apart. And their words and care help rebuild me. But not completely. I no longer think that’s possible. A part of me died that day, forever removing a piece I fear can never be reclaimed.

In their warmth and care I find enough of a balance and acceptance that the emotions are soothed into the background. They won’t go away altogether, and I don’t want them to. I’m done with denying and hiding and repressing this. That has done nothing but bring me problems and anxiety.

When the shaking subsides and my voice is steady enough, Kate helps me sip some water. Then I continue, though my throat aches and threatens to close itself at any moment, “We thought that would save the town, save everyone. And it seemed our plan worked.

“Nathan was arrested and confessed to everything, the drugs, Rachel, everything! Jefferson was arrested and Wells put on leave. Word was he was offered early retirement. And Sean Prescott disappeared. Rachel… was given a proper burial by her moms. Her dad never showed up. It seemed like everything was going like it was supposed to. But we were wrong, so, so wrong. The day after… after your funeral, Chloe, the storm came.”

I look up at the Chloe of here, and search out her eyes. They look so much alike! Even the way she looks concerned right now, the way the fire catches her eyes, the way she smells. Her image blurs and when I move to wipe my eyes, she lays her hand on mine.

Her thumb gently touches my nose and swipes to the side. She does it to my other eye too, the entire time a soft look encompasses her face. “I’m so sorry,” she whispers.

I grab her hand and hold it while I continue, “This time there was no warning. I… was at the lighthouse remembering and holding my own ceremony for you. The sky went dark and the storm came out of nowhere. I… couldn’t do anything but watch it destroy the town. It… was the fucking worst week. In that week… I lost my friends, my best friend, I lost myself. And the death and destruction, so many people lost their lives, their friends and family, their future!

“My decisions, our decision, didn’t matter. And it broke me. I didn’t have a photo to use to jump back and change things. The storm took those away. It took so many things away.” I drift into silence and close my eyes. I need to be here, to be with them because that other place calls to me. It beckons me with broken promises and shattered dreams. And without Kate and Chloe and their presence, I would answer that call.

Beneath my fingers, Kate’s arm is soft as I caress her. Up and down my fingers travel forming a connection deeper than contact alone could. “It wasn’t supposed to turn out this way,” I whimper as the memories again smash my mind.

“Even I don’t know how things will turn out,” Lynn whispers. There’s a distance to her voice that calls to mind the woman of a few months ago, so driven to protect Kate and bring back their sister.

“There’s something I need to do,” I whisper and open my eyes. Beyond the flames and trees, beyond the mountains that tower above all, lies a broken promise.

“What is it,” Kate asks.

“Keep a promise.”

“What promise is that?”

But I stay silent. I’m not ready yet to share that with them. Rather, I don’t want to relive the experience again by speaking it. Besides, my mind and body are weakened from the emotions that my story ripped from their hiding places. My final words quell a new wave of memories. They fade as Kate tilts her head and kisses my jaw. We lay there a while with only the crackle of the fire for sound.

“I’m tired,” I finally say. The memories and the panic they induced have me nearly asleep on Chloe.

Kate moves off me and helps me stand. Chloe uses the opportunity to stretch and groan. “Oh, I love you laying on me,” she says as she stands, “but being cramped in the same position kind of sucks. Especially on the hard ground.”

“Maybe you need a little padding down there,” I say which causes her to raise an eyebrow. “Oh, um,” I say.

_Wow, it’s hot suddenly!_

“Your girlfriend wants to grab some ass,” Lynn calls out. “And you got none to give.” I hurry away, face on fire, as Chloe throws something at Lynn.

It’s been a long time since I camped and I forgot what it’s like to get ready for bed. The last time, I was a kid and don’t remember it being so difficult. We brought a lot of reusable water bottles and I use one to brush my teeth, wash my face and hands away from the tents.

I watch the darkness as I prepare. Beyond the light cast by the flickering campfire are the vague outlines of trees. They spear the night, holding it captive in their branches.

With a final sip, I rinse out my mouth and cap the bottle. A couple of flicks of the toothbrush makes it suitably dry. I turn and look at the camp scene.

_They don’t know._

Chloe stands near Lynn. I can’t hear what they are saying, but by the grin on Lynn’s face, I know it’s good. Kate hunches on the log near them, gaze intent on the fire.

_None of you exist…_

For a moment I swear my heart stops and I grab my chest! A strange emptiness exists there, then disappears. It makes me cough a couple of times. When it passes and I look back at the camp, everything is a little blurry.

_Sweet Kate. Adventurous Chloe. A Lynn I never knew. All dead…_

With a shake of my head to clear it, I focus on the ground and make my slow way to the tent. The crackle of the fire mixes with Lynn and Chloe’s chatter, a wonderful sound.


	35. Katie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi,
> 
> At the beginning of Redemption I didn't anticipate any explicit sex scenes. As Kate's, Max's, and Chloe's relationship developed in recent chapters, Kate's character arc went in that direction, not for the sake of having smut, but for the sake of some key developments in who she is. I first tried writing these developments without the explicit sex, but they lacked depth and meaning. So here we are, a smut chapter that's key to Kate's development.
> 
> If smut is not your thing, there are some options for you. If you don't mind a little caressing, jump to the horizontal line. If you want to skip all such scenes, then look for the phrase "Later after more passionate love-making" An overview of the character development is provided in the notes at the end of the chapter.

When I step into the tent, it’s like I’m stepping back in time. For a moment, I’m a little girl again camping on the southern Oregon coast with my parents. The feeling passes and I flick on a flashlight. One of the others prepared the sleeping bags earlier while I wandered the forest. Only…

_Sleeping bag. There’s only one._

It looks like two bags were joined together because it’s wider than a regular bag. I eye it doubtfully. Three pillows rest at its open end, but the bag doesn’t look quite large enough for three of us. There are blankets piled underneath to provide some cushion, and more are around the bag. I guess those are to pull on us if we get cold. Even with the blankets, the tent seems huge with only one sleeping bag in it. Our packs against the far wall seem so far away. None of them have food. All of that is either in the car, or suspended from a tree away from the tents.

The tent rustles behind me. I know it’s Kate because Chloe and Lynn are still throwing friendly insults at each other. She passes me and puts some stuff into one of the bags, then turns and looks at me then the sleeping bag.

“This isn’t what I expected,” I say.

She shrugs and says, “Would you rather three separate bags? I think we can do that if you want.”

I think about that a moment. The last few months, I’ve become quite accustomed to sleeping with them. “No,” I say slowly. “One bag works.”

She takes the flashlight from me and uses it to point at the bag. “Get in,” she says with a smile. I sit near the pillow and pull off my shoes. After I place them near the packs, I turn and slide into the bag, in the center like always. I wiggle out of my hoodie, which I forgot to take off, and toss it onto my shoes. The blankets beneath the bag form a strange, lumpy cushion. And the ground isn’t quite level. At least our feet are pointed downhill instead of our heads.

I hear the tent door be zipped shut, then Kate follows me into the bag. Once she’s in, she shines the light upward from her chin and gives an evil laugh. “mwhua ha ha ha!” It makes me laugh, especially with the goofy grin she wears while she does it. “What,” she asks with innocent surprise. “Why are you laughing?”

That makes me laugh even more, especially because she keeps the light in the same place. With wide eyes that blink rapidly, she looks at me and sticks out her tongue. Finally, she clicks off the light and places it on the ground above her pillow. I laugh and laugh and laugh. Gradually it fades to barely suppressed giggles.

That seems to be a sign for she slips close to me and places a hand on my arm. It’s comfortable weight urges me to draw closer. “I haven’t heard you laugh like that in months,” she whispers. “It was really good to hear.” Her hand glides down my arm then up, causing little bumps to appear. The warmth she radiates feels good and I find myself inching toward her until our noses practically touch.

“Thank you,” I whisper. In the darkness, she is merely a hint, yet the presence she projects seems larger than the tent. The fingers leave my arm to appear on my cheek a moment later.

“No,” she breathes, “thank you.” The fingers slide along my cheek up into my hair, leaving behind little promises of something. They circle my ear, then slide down and along my jaw. “Your laugh is so beautiful.” Before I know it, lips are pressed lightly against mine. A sweet, fruity taste accompanies the kiss, which she deepens for a moment before breaking away.

“Are you ok… with me doing that,” she whispers.

I peer at her in the faint light of the tent. The fire outside sends flickering shadows and meager light our way. It’s enough for me to see her eyes glitter and the shape of her face. My arm slides between us and I tentatively touch her lips. She doesn’t move away but I think she smiles a little.

“I’m dead,” I whisper, “but you bring me to life. What I shared with you tonight… you helped me share that. You and Chloe both gave me what I needed to relive those moments.” Her lips are so soft. I trace their shape then run along her jaw to caress her cheek. Her skin is smooth and I want my fingers to dance along more than her cheek.

“I’m… not making any sense,” I continue with a shake of my head. “Yes, Kate. I’m ok with it. I’m ok… with you.”

“I’m sorry,” she breathes and it takes a moment for my head to clear before I can answer.

“Sorry for what?”

“For not doing this sooner,” she says as she slips her fingers into my hair again and pulls me close for another kiss.

My hands are on her now, drawing her near. They slide along her back up to her head and down to her rear. “Don’t stop,” I say in between kisses. And she doesn’t.

The last time we were together like this was before everything went to shit. Oh sure, we share a bed each night, but that’s not the same as being together. Her fingers slide through my hair to grab the back of my head and pull me into the kiss. The other hand wanders lower, much like mine. Sweet, soft sounds come from her as we kiss and she begins to put more passion, more energy into her motions. All the tension we built up during the day seems to finally have an outlet.

She breaks away with a gasp and pants, “I’d like to try something… I… don’t know if I’ll like it or if you’ll like it and we don’t have to do it if you don’t want to…” her words ramble into a silence that is heavy with expectation.

I shift a little closer, my hips close to hers and whisper, “I do, but don’t you worry that your sister is right outside?”

“She’s my sister, not my kid,” she says, “which you helped remind me of. Besides, Chloe’s going to take her night fishing.”

Her lips find mine again, but this time there’s a hesitation, almost a timidity to her kiss. Fingers wrap around my wrist and pull my hand off her butt. It’s only to place my hand on her bare stomach. It burns to my touch and I gasp!

The kiss falters, but before I can tell her it’s ok and we can try something else, she pushes against me. With her hand covering mine, she slides them both downward.

Together they slip beneath the waistband of her pajama bottoms. Further, further, they slide across her smooth skin and her lips are pressing hard against mine.

Heart beats and quickened breath comes to me as my fingers travel across her stomach. Warmth flares through my fingers to run up my arm into my chest. A gasp comes from her, breaking the kiss. “I…” she whispers, her voice so uncertain and heavy with want. She doesn’t complete her thought. Instead her lips are against mine again, open with a gentle need that manifests in a moan.

The slow journey stops with my fingers nestled in her hair. Her legs are clamped tightly together, almost crossed. I break the kiss to look at her. Her breath is quick and shallow. The hair around her head flows in and shines in the feeble light, a soft, golden aura that invites me to plumb its depths.

I lower my head next to hers and bury my nose in her soft hair. Honey and sunshine again fill my senses, but this time a mixture of other scents are brought to life. The smoke of the fire, of course, but something more.

Her body is tense next to me, hiding a slight tremble buried deep within. I keep my hand where it stopped. Quick breaths come from her as I slowly move my fingers in a caress. She’s so soft and warm, her hair below tantalizing as it shifts between my fingers. It’s our first time together, and I suspect her first time ever, and I want her to lead, to tell me when she’s ready for another step.

“I love the way you smell,” I whisper and bury my head again in her hair. The skin behind her ear is soft and warm when I kiss it.

“You too.” Her whisper is hoarse, filled with conflicting emotions.

“It’s ok,” I say and begin to move my hand in small circles. Nothing that will chafe, just something to help her feel comfortable. “You’re in control, we’ll go at your own pace. This… is your first time, right?”

She nods and rolls onto her back, legs remaining firmly together. I move with her and begin to caress her thighs. The waistband of her pajama bottoms chafes my arm as I do that and I so much want to pull them off! But I make myself remain calm for her. The darkness makes it hard to see details but I could swear I see her lip tremble.

“It’s ok to feel what you’re feeling,” I say and kiss her cheek. “It’s ok to let yourself be loved, by me and Chloe. Your love is beautiful and has saved me many times. You are beautiful.” Each word, each sentence I punctuate with a kiss.

A burning started in me the moment she slipped our hands into her pajamas and I so much want to kiss her everywhere. I want to feel us together, bodies intertwined as we pour our love into each other! She’s not ready for that right now. So I kiss the corner of her mouth, her ear, her cheek, everywhere on her face. She shivers with each kiss or maybe from my fingers that trail along her thighs, so firm and smooth.

“I am loved,” she says in a strangled voice.

“Don’t listen to him,” I whisper, certain of whose voice she has damning her in her mind. “I’m here. With you. Listen to me.”

“Listen to you.”

Her chest rises and falls rapidly and my hands itch to feel her stomach, her breasts. I want to caress her everywhere and explore her with my mouth. These things I keep to myself. If we can make it through tonight, we can work on helping her feel safe with other activities.

“You deserve to be loved, to feel what you’re feeling. There’s nothing wrong with you or your feelings.”

“There’s… nothing wrong…”

Up and down her thighs and hips my fingers trail. Gentle and slow are my movements and her breath maintains that staccato pace. It takes all my control to keep my motions calm and slow when what I really want to do is to give myself to the fire that burns inside me! Despite the strain on her as she fights years of hatred, I smell her and it excites me further. On a downward stroke, her legs open and I pause.

“I… I’m ready,” she says with a slight tremble. I let my hand rest in her hair, one finger tracing a small circle above her pussy.

“If you say no, I’ll stop,” I whisper. She nods, then I lean over her and press my mouth against hers. We kiss, lip to lip a few moments, before I open my mouth and lightly lick her lips. Nothing happens and that instant seems to stretch into eternity, then she opens her mouth for me to explore. When my tongue touches hers, I slip my hand between her legs and press against her. A soft, wet heat engulfs my palm.

She gasps into the kiss and her hands push against my shoulders. I’m about to break the kiss and pull away when her arms wrap around and hold me tight against her. Her hips move to press herself against my hand.

A warm wetness coats my palm as she moves against me. She begins to make little sounds, not quite moans or gasps. I move my fingers in a circle, but try not to enter her. She’s so wet though it’s a challenge!

Our mouths break apart, her breath even more rapid. Without my mouth blocking hers, the little groans and grunts she makes are so cute. I lean down and nibble her neck, tracing kisses up and down it. Her neck burns now, moist with her excitement. I lick the base, savoring the taste of her. The need inside myself to do more, feel more, makes me tremble.

“W-what can I do,” she gasps, her voice all over the place.

“What do you mean?” My voice isn’t much steadier.

“I… feel selfish… you’re uh! Making me… eeeee feel so good. You…” Her voice disintegrates into a series of squeaking noises. I’m tempted to slip her hand into my pants, to satisfy the burning I feel down there, but I’m not sure she’s ready for that.

“Put your hand in my shirt and play with my breasts,” I moan.

She doesn’t move and for a few seconds I think she’s not ready for that and I’ll need to guide her, then fingers rest on my stomach. The moment they touch me, I gasp. They burn against me, or maybe I’m the one burning and she’s soothing me. Whatever it is, I moan some nonsense and attack her face and mouth with kisses.

The fingers move up my stomach, slow and teasing. I want them to move faster, damn it! Instead, I keep my hand away from hers and whisper words of love. My free hand slips into her hair to play.

Up, up, up her fingers travel. I never knew the distance from my stomach to my breasts was so far! My stomach is doing weird things, feeling strange things, as her touch ignites feelings that are new and exiting!

When she touches my breast, I think I black out or something because everything is silent and motionless much like when I’m in the stillness. “Breathe,” she moans in my ear. Air and pleasure rush through me as I inhale. An unexpected desire has awakened in my breasts and demands her touch, demands more! Unlike Chloe, I’ve always enjoyed this kind of breast play, but this experience with Kate is so different, so special.

I shudder and moan and can’t help saying, “Fuck.” Her fingers continue to explore and find new ways to touch me and I want her to know it! It takes a few moments for me to notice I stopped moving my hand between her legs. Her hips never stopped though, so I complement them with my palm. And I think she’s melting under me with the way she wriggles and squeaks.

Her hand cups my breast, rubbing lightly in circles.

She gasps, “Yours get hard, too?”

In between moans and kisses, I pant, “yes… many… ummmm girls do when we’re aroused.” A need, no a demand grows in me, punctuated by purrs and almost growls as her fingers switch breasts. The fire has turned into electricity and it seems every part of me is alive.

I press the heel of my hand over her clit, feeling the soft flesh around it yield to the pressure. A hand slides to my back, sliding up and down. I want her mouth on my breasts, to feel her soft lips kissing them. Already, I can imagine how her warm, soft tongue would feel as it caresses my nipples.

When next we kiss, she’s the assertive one, tasting me before I can taste her. She slips into my mouth bringing another moan from me. At the same time, the hand on my back slides down and into my pajama pants. Her fingers rest on the bare skin of my ass and their touch is wonderful. Yet I want so much more!

I press myself against her thigh, thrusting against her as I rub between her legs. She pushes herself at me, both her mouth and hips. The smell of sex is strong in the air and turns those tingles I felt into a burning in my core.

Her fingers roam my backside, up and down and across my butt. A few times they dip toward where my legs meet, but not very far. Memories surface of Chloe trying to play with my butt like this, but for some reason with Kate it’s different and I admit to myself that I like what she’s doing.

It’s so fucking hard to think right now! The tent is filled with our moans and groans and breath and her cute squeaks. There’s no way to mistake the sounds of passion that explode from us to bombard the forest with our emotions.

We devolve into a tangle of sighs and cries muffled by our kisses. The world outside the tent, outside the sleeping bag, disappears as we explore the limits of our passion. I whisper words of love and encouragement and lust in her ear. The motions between her legs are steady and firm as she becomes wetter and hotter. Her breathing quickens until we can’t kiss anymore.

I fall to my side, propped by my other arm, and watch her through eyes clouded by desire. With a final long, low cry, she shudders and stiffens. Her hips are pressed hard against my hand, making tiny movements. One hand still holds my breast while the other flew to cover the one between her legs. She presses from both directions before squeezing her thighs tight, locking both hands to her.

A euphoric joy fills me the moment her orgasm claims her. It tips my own pleasure over the edge and I press myself against her hip in a final thrust. My own desire has soaked our pajamas, but I don’t care. There is only Kate and the exquisite pleasure she feels right now.

“I love you,” she pants brokenly. Under my arm, her stomach clenches and loosens, clenches and loosens so rapidly its amazing she can speak.

I collapse against her, no longer able to hold myself up as intense pleasure robs me of strength. Still in the throes of her passion, she moves her head and kisses me. My hand hasn’t stopped and I feel her spasm again and again, drenching my palm.

Fingers slide down my back to grab my butt. She pulls tight, smashing my pussy against her leg. It sends another jolt of pleasure through me and I moan into her kiss. Her hands on my butt feel so good.

“I… want… our… clothes… off,” she pants in my ear.

“Sure you don’t want a break,” I ask between my own gasps for air.

“If I stop,” she says, “I may not be able to start again.” I file that away for later, then slide my hand from her pants. I grab her shirt and pull up. Meanwhile, her hands have grabbed my pants and begin to pull down.

We laugh when our arms collide, then she switches to my shirt and we pull both shirts off with a quick movement. They fly out of the sleeping bag and I move to grab her pants, but she’s already slid down and begun kissing my chest.

Her lips burn a path down the middle of my chest, between my breasts and below them. I grab her hair as she tenderly kisses me below the nipple. Tiny kisses surround my breast, getting close to, but never quite touching the tip.

“I want to know what brings you pleasure,” she pants. “It’s what I’ve wanted to do for months.”

“You keep doing that,” I purr, “and you will.”

“I… don’t really know what I’m doing,” she admits. I lean down and kiss the top of her head.

“You… didn’t masturbate as a teen did you.”

She shakes her head and sorrow collides with the joy that I feel. I kiss her head again and run my fingers through her hair. _She doesn’t even know what she likes…_

“We’ll take it slow, then. I like my breasts to be played with and what I did for you a few minutes ago.” There’s more that I like, a lot more, but she’s not ready for any of that. Or so I believe.

She kisses my other breast in the same way, always circling the nipple. It makes me growl and want to squish her face against me. “I feel so naughty,” she says after a kiss.

“In a good way,” I pant.

Her answer is to gently take my nipple into her mouth. Air explodes from me as the passion she built is unleashed by her soft tongue pressed against me. The way she kisses and sucks at each breast is so amazing! It makes how I imagined it to seem like an amateurish fantasy. Now I’m seeing new patterns and colors in my sight as she caresses my breasts with her mouth.

I barely notice as her hands slide down to my pants and begin pushing them down. My hands are in her hair, pushing, pulling, holding her against my chest as I moan her name. When I do notice what her hands are doing, I move my legs to make it easier for her to take off my pajama bottoms. They and my underwear sail out of the tent to join our shirts somewhere else.

Fingers slide down my tummy, questing for a place between my legs. Or so I imagine, because that’s not where they go, though I spread my legs in anticipation. She giggles around my nipple, then lifts her head to press her lips against mine.

Our kiss is salty from our sweat, but I don’t care. I can taste her through the salt and she’s the most amazing! Fingers slide along the inside of one of my thighs, then leap through the air to another. I shudder as she teases me. She does it again and I move my hips to try to capture a touch, but she giggles and moves her hand.

_Touch me! Please… touch me!_

“I didn’t know you were such a tease,” I say while we kiss. Truthfully, her antics are making me hungry for her touch. The burning in my core has turned into a need, no a demand! And she’s the one controlling it.

_You aren’t as innocent as I thought, Kate._

Her hand disappears from my legs and I whimper with need. I move to find her, to find fulfillment, but she evades me. A knee bumps into me. “Sorry,” she whispers. Then her pajamas and underwear are flung from the sleeping bag. She breaks the kiss and snuggles against me, her leg between mine. Her head rests against my chest and her arms are wrapped tight around me.

It’s only a moment or two we lay that way, both of us panting and hot with desire. Only after she moves again do I realize she held me in the same way she likes to snuggle when we sleep.

Then her mouth returns to my breast, just as gentle and hot as before. Her fingers slip across my stomach, down, down, down until they touch me between my legs. Like her earlier, I gasp and moan when she touches me. “Oh, Katie!” Then I’m pressing her head hard against my breast. She’s kissing me with a passion and her fingers, oh wow her fingers!

They slide across my tender lips, cupping me much as I did with her earlier. When they move though, it’s all wrong and frustrating.

_Ok, she just needs a little help._

Carefully, I open my legs and use a hand to move her fingers to the correct spot. “Rub and press me there,” I pant.

And she does and her fingers begin to work a magic peculiarly her own on me. I can’t take her lips on my breast any more. I want to kiss her, to taste her, to fuck her!

When I try to slide my fingers toward her pussy, she bats them away. “No,” she purrs, “this is your time. I waited too long to give this to you.”

“Kiss me,” I pant and she pushes herself upward, her lips nipping my skin on a journey. Up, up, up her lips travel. They’re on my neck, biting lightly at my skin! Then they’re below my jaw, sucking and nibbling on me.

Then our lips meet in a union of purrs and heat that brings a fury to life in both of us. Below, her fingers caress my pussy, circling my clit and rubbing it with a gentle pressure. I’m so wet I can feel it drip onto my leg, which is unusual for me. Kate has me so fired up that nothing in the way my body reacts surprises me right now.

She leans into the kiss, pushing me onto my back, and she follows. She looms over me, hand between my legs, mouth attached to mine. Her other hand caresses my breast, softly squeezing it, tenderly pinching my nipple.

I push my hips against her fingers and it feels wonderful but I need more, want more! “Put your fingers inside me,” I beg around a kiss.

She hesitates and draws away and I fear I went too far with her. “W-won’t that hurt,” she asks. She’s so uncertain with the question, though her fingers never stop.

“Not if it’s only one or two,” I breathe. “I’m pretty wet, it should be easy.”

She leans down and opens her mouth to kiss me again. As our lips touch, I feel the tips of her fingers slip between my lips and hesitate. I move my hips, pushing her deep inside of me. “Oh fuck,” I explode into her kiss.

“Did I hurt you!” She pulls her face away sharply and her fingers start to withdraw.

“No. Fuck. No, it… you feel so good! Push them in further.” And she does, slowly. I can’t stop the low, long moan as her fingers slip inside me.

It’s the thought that Kate, my Kate, is fingering me that brings me the greatest pleasure. Right now, I wish I could see her face. I wish she could see the joy and pleasure on mine, joy that she’s causing.

“Move them around,” I say and she does.

Her mouth finds mine again and her tongue plunges into my mouth, in much the same way her fingers have plunged into my vagina. Then, I’m moving my hips and thrusting, trying get them deeper, deeper, deeper, then to hit the right spot. Her hand or arm or something is pressed against my clit as I push myself against her.

And I’m wanting and giving and demanding and holding myself back so I don’t scare her though all I want to do is scream and kiss and lick and explore her and bring her to the greatest heights of passions she’s ever known. Or ever will know.

Like she does with me. Her fingers and tongue coax the fire into an inferno that is unlike any orgasm I’ve experienced before! It doesn’t explode from me, rather, it’s a continuous wave of pleasure that rips through me and drives me against her! My legs open and close and wrap themselves against her hand. I trap it against her leg and grind against her. All the while I’m practically hyperventilating as I cry “Katie, fuck! Oh, Katie” and making other sounds.

The passion holds me in its grasp for a time untold. When I can finally breathe again, Kate is laying partially on me. Her fingers play between my legs, a lover’s caress.

“You,” she says huskily, “are gorgeous when you’re… excited.”

“Orgasm,” I pant, my eyes fixed on the plainness of the tent overhead.

“What?”

“Not excited, orgasmed. Or come, if you want.” _And I could come again…_

She’s silent for several breaths before she whispers, “orgasm. You had an orgasm.”

“And so did you,” I whisper. “And you were beautiful and amazing.”

She kisses me again, only on the lips, and says, “ready for more?”

“In a moment,” I say. “Right now… could we cuddle?”

I can sense her hesitation, yet she pulls the pillow into the sleeping bag with us. I lift my head so she can place it properly, and turn on my side. She comes closer, then closer still until we’re pressed against each other. Our legs jumble together as arms go around each other.

We lay that way, the vibes of pleasure still humming within me. Our noses touch and she wiggles her head so they rub together and she giggles.

“I love you,” I whisper.

“Because… we had sex?”

“No, because you are special and wonderful. I can’t imagine what it took for you to do what we just did. There’s a lot of depth and power in you.”

“I… don’t have powers, not like you and Lynn.”

“Yes you do and they are just as amazing. The way you care for us, and comfort others. I may have been in a haze the last few months, but I know you’re out there every day helping people. You volunteer at different shelters and food pantries, you show compassion at the free clinic.”

“You know all that,” she asks with surprise.

I brush bangs from her face and kiss her forehead. “Yeah, I do. You are every bit as powerful as Lynn and I, more powerful in fact.”

“How can I be more powerful than you? You can bring people back from the dead!”

“Because you’ve always had your power,” I whisper and place a hand over her heart. “It was not given to you, nor forced upon you. And despite the horrible things you’ve experienced, it didn’t steal your power away nor cause you to hide it.”

And then to my surprise, she begins to cry. She buries her face in her hands while I look on confused. Then I pull her tight to me and stroke her hair and back. I kiss her head but don’t say anything. I can’t think of what would make her cry now, unless it’s something with her background.

“It’s ok,” I finally whisper. “Let yourself cry and feel.” I don’t know what else to say, so I switch to telling her good things about herself, things I love, and things I know others appreciate.

That seems to make things worse though as her cries become louder and her body shakes. I let my voice tumble into silence. Her cries pierce my heart. I want to understand and help and support and comfort. Right now, she’s in the middle of something so deep, she can’t even speak.

We lay there, with Kate in my arms. I try to make her comfortable and safe by speaking without words and gently rubbing her back. Even after the sobs and shudders fade away, I continue those small things.

“I… I’m sorry.” Her voice is cracked and dry from her ordeal.

“Are you ok?”

“Not… really. I just…”

I kiss the top of her head. “Do you feel safe right now?”

Her answer is to snuggle down in my arms until she’s in her sleeping position. “Now I do.”

“May I ask a question? It’s not about what you just experienced.”

There’s a moment of silence before she says, “Sure, as long as it’s ok if I don’t answer if it makes me uncomfortable.”

“I accept that. The way you snuggle into me when we sleep, like you’re doing now, is that something you did with Chloe, too?”

Her fingers move to rest on my side. “No, we always spooned. She liked being the big spoon.”

“Why do you like snuggling this way with me?”

“You make me feel safe and secure. With your arms around me, I feel like the world can’t get to me. And…”

Her fingers begin drawing slow circles on my ribs. My fingers slide up and down her spine with just the right pressure that she enjoys. It’s one of the ways she and I are alike: we both enjoy caresses and the feel of skin-on-skin contact.

“And… please don’t laugh, but… this is something I really need. I’ve always had this… thing inside that craved being held like this. When Chloe would do it, it just wasn’t the same. But when you do it, that’s when the uh magic happens.”

“Magic?”

“I get all tingly and warm and it feels right. It takes everything I have not to just squeal like a little girl and squirm around all excited with my face snuggled against you! And the… lack of clothes makes it so much better.”

“Hmmm, that sounds… adorable.”

“Is it ok?”

“Yeah, Kate. It’s quite ok.”

She slips down a little and presses her face between my breasts, but that’s all she does. Warm breath tickles my skin when she exhales. Soft, silky hair twines around my fingers as I finger-comb her hair.

“What we did,” she whispers, her voice sending little vibrations into my chest, “… sex, was the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. It… overwhelmed me which is why I didn’t want to stop didn’t want to think but we did and and…”

She takes a sharp breath with a choking sound and I stroke her hair. After another breath, she continues, “All these thoughts came crashing in of how I’m evil and bad and horrible with my old preacher telling me that I’m no good and no one will want me but the way you made me feel and the way I made you feel was like it was like… well it’s what I always imagined heaven was like only better and realer and I didn’t want to let those feelings go and I… I didn’t know how to accept them and tell myself it was ok…

“So when we stopped and cuddled and you told me you loved me and how powerful I am I couldn’t accept it, my heart felt like it was going to explode from your goodness while at the same time my conscience beat me and tormented me that what I did was disgusting and that you’d find me disgusting…”

I listen to her words and match them with the experience of a few months ago, the history that she shared with me. There is more there beyond the words, beyond the feelings that she’s trying to share and I think I grasp it.

“You aren’t disgusting,” I whisper over her head.

“I know.” A timid whisper that barely escapes from between my breasts.

“You are wonderful and compassionate and worthy of being treated with kindness and love and respect and compassion and so many more things.”

“Do you… do you really think that?” Her head moves when she asks that question and I look down to see her eyes peering at me in the darkness.

“I know that,” I say and lean down to kiss her.

The salt of her tears marks her cheeks and lips and I kiss each away. The flutter of her eyelids tickle me as I kiss below them. Fingers roam over my back, finding the spots that I love and caressing them. She moves to press her lips against mine, then opens up to me.

A hand slides down to caress my butt, sliding over one cheek then the other. I taste her, the faint fruity taste of her mouth rinse, the tang of her tears. The tension leaves her and her other arm slides up to tangle her fingers in my hair.

“Do you… do you want to do more,” I gasp between moments. I dare not trust her actions right now.

“Please,” she says. “I want to share those moments again with you, to bring you such joy again.”

“And what about you,” I ask as I lay a hand on her breast. “Do you want to feel that joy again?”

“Yes,” she pants as my fingers caress her firm breast. “Give me a… um… give me more… orgasms, please!”

She’s so adorable in her innocence I want to eat her up and laugh and give her such pleasure that she’ll forget all those evil words! Instead, I roll her onto her back. “Spread your legs,” I whisper as I kiss along her jaw.

“W-what, are you going to do?” Both desire and fear twinge her voice.

“Only what I think you’ll enjoy and accept,” I say. “Remember, all you have to do is say no.” I kiss to the base of her neck. “I’d like to show your breasts the same love you showed mine, is that ok?”

I look up at her when I say that and I think she bites her bottom lip. She nods and I climb on top of her. Her legs are spread and I nestle between them, the heat from her pussy a burning fire against my skin! I kiss my way down to her breasts, my hands moving from her sides to her head and back.

A quick kiss to the top of each breast brings a sigh from her. Fingers tangle in my hair as I kiss around each with little nibbles. Her hips begins moving, trying to press herself against my belly, but she can’t quite get her angle right. I reposition myself and she groans as my body applies pressure to her. “Oh, Max,” she whispers.

Then my lips kiss the tip of a nipple and she gasps. It turns into a moan as my lips slip over the nipple and I gently suck on it. Her hands press my head against her breast and her hips tilt upward to press her wet heat against me. With the same care and tenderness she showed me, I kiss and suckle her breasts.

Little whimpers and moans escape her, and sometimes my name. I tangle my fingers in her hair and she grabs one of my hands and begins kissing it. While she does that, my other hand slides down to fondle her breast.

Our bodies are burning for each other as I reignite her passion with my mouth and hand on her breasts. Her hips are busy, trying to build that passion into a raging fire. Unexpectedly, I slide up her body and whisper, “lift your legs.”

She hesitates a moment, and I say, “I think you’ll like this, because you’ll be able to cuddle while we do this.” Her legs lift awkwardly and I use my hands to gently guide them into a comfortable position. Then, I spread my legs and lower myself until I feel ourselves come into contact, two heat sources that flare with passion.

“Oh,” Kate exclaims as our soft, outer lips come into contact. I lower my head and kiss her neck as I began pressing and rubbing our pussies together. In response, her hands begin to roam my back. Lips fasten lightly to my neck and she gives me quick kisses.

It doesn’t take long for our lips to find each other and we lose ourselves in deep kisses. Moans and sighs and grunts punctuate our kisses as we grind against each other. Fingers slide over my butt, clenching, clawing, pressing us tight together. I slide my fingers through her hair, holding her head against mine as I pour my love into her.

This time, I don’t hold back but open myself to let all my love fill her to overflowing. Our skin slaps and slides together as I give myself over to her love.

Kate’s adorable sounds of pleasure start up again and excite me even more! Harder and harder my hips press and faster they move. Then our lips are apart and gasping out our own sounds and names and fervor. With feverish gasps, she pulls my butt hard and leans her legs back further.

Sweat rolls off us but we don’t care. The faint light gleams from our eyes as we gaze at each other through vision tinged by ecstasy. I wrap my arms around her, hugging our bodies together and fasten my lips to her neck.

It comes upon us suddenly, a wave of ecstacy that steals breath and life and replaces both with an electricity that jolts all our senses. And we don’t stop, but continue with our kisses and thrusts and moans and clenching as the electricity redefines our existence. There is only Kate and her beautiful power that reaches up to cup me in an exquisite delight I’ve seldom felt. It pours from her and wraps me with feelings of warmth and love and completeness and affection. She shudders beneath me, arms hugging me tight as she softly cries out my name mixed with unintelligible sounds.

She is all I need.

I am all she needs.

* * *

Later we lay in each other’s arms with only the sound of our breathing and the crackle of the campfire for our music. We already went outside to relieve ourselves, which was something Kate didn’t understand. I cursed her restrictive background when I explained why women needed to pee after sex. We threw on our clothes, rushed outside, took care of business and cleaned our hands, then rushed back into the tent.

There, we collapsed in giggles and faces reddened by both temperature changes and hormones. Her eager hands immediately went to my shirt and began pulling up. In no time at all we were both naked and sitting on the sleeping back. Even in the dim light I could see Kate studying what she could of me. Then we slip back into the sleeping bag. For a moment, I thinks she wants to have more sex. Her hands wander over me, exploring me.

When I ask her, her hands withdrew and she hides her face. Not like I could see it in the dark anyway. “No,” she whispers. “I’m sorry… I should have asked. I… There’s so much I don’t know. So many things I was taught were wrong and evil and horrid. And now… you have shown me it’s ok to be me and…”

She moves to peer at me in the dark, her face so close to mine her breath tickles my lips. “I’m sure to someone as worldly as you and Chloe I seem simple and immature. There are so many things I want to do, dreamed of doing. I…” She glances away a moment, and I see she’s biting her lip.

_When did she pick up that habit?_

“I always wondered… dreamed of what it would be like to touch another girl. I couldn’t… touch myself. It was wrong. To touch another girl, to feel her, her warmth, her… softness, the beat of her heart under her skin. So many things I want to experience. But I don’t know what to do or if it’s wrong or even… how to ask.”

“Katie,” I whisper and touch her chin. Her gaze returns to me and I brush my fingertips across her cheek. “Were you taught about boundaries and consent?”

She shakes her head. “N-no. I… the Church was-is very… misogynist. As… your wife, my body is here for your pleasure, your use.”

_My… wife?_

“I mean… if I was your wife,” she hurriedly corrects. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do as your girlfriend. It’s so confusing!”

“Ok,” I slowly say. “It will be ok, Kate.”

“Could you call me Katie again,” she interrupts and there’s a fearful note in her voice.

“It will be ok, Katie.”

The moment I say that name, she shivers and gets even closer to me. “I’ve never had a nickname or pet name. Would you mind calling me that when we’re alone?”

“Not at all.” Her words and admission speed up my heart and my skin tingles. Her innocence is so pure and joyous, but my thoughts are hard and sad. The reason for her innocence is such nonsense. I gaze at this person in my arms whose beauty surpasses the stars and wonder how someone could be so hurtful to her.

_That didn’t stop me from killing her family._

I push that thought down hard and refocus on what she said. “Well,” I say with a gulp, my throat suddenly tight. “I’m ok with you exploring my body. You can touch me anywhere, just be gentle. You know I love caresses and similar things. If you want to put your finger… inside something, my mouth, my vagina, even my butt, ask first. Tomorrow, we can work on what boundaries are and what consent is.”

“Oh, no,” she exclaims, “I don’t want to poke you anywhere! Especially not your butt! I just want… to feel you. It uh… you feel so good. I love how smooth and soft your skin is, the way you smell. I just… I want to remember everything about you!”

While she speaks, her hands return to caressing my body. I lean into her and kiss her softly, then close my eyes. Her touch arouses me, but I try to shunt that aside and just be in the moment. It’s important to her, this time to explore me. If she wants it to lead to more sex, I’m willing. She may also need to know that not all contact like this has to lead to sex.

I shudder as one hand moves over my breasts. The other traces down my back, following the bumps of my spine. “I kind of wish we had light,” she whispers in my ear. “I… want to see you as I touch you. I want to see how you respond. I want to treasure you.”

I nod but stay silent. I’m biting my tongue as her caresses draw close to my pussy. She avoids it though to feel my legs. Her fingers stay on the outside of my thighs, tracing their contours. I flinch when her fingers slide between my butt cheeks.

“That tickles!”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I like you touching me. I want you to enjoy this, not worry about whether you’re doing something wrong.”

Her fingers are heavenly, even though she takes care to avoid areas that I presume she knows are sensual. Her touch is so sexy right now. Now matter how hard I try, I can’t suppress the effect she’s having on me. A pounding heart and quickened breath, soft sighs and other sounds when she touches a new area. It’s awakening in me a new desire.

A moan escapes me when a finger traces over my hard nipple and she stops. “Am I… um… turning you on?”

“Yea,” I groan, barely able to think clearly.

“Oh… uh, I didn’t…,” her words pause but her fingers and hands don’t. They coax even more sounds from me and it’s all I can do to not throw myself at her, or pull her hand between my legs, or something!

“Why,” she breathes. “Why is this turning you on? I thought it took… different things.”

With a gulp, I open my eyes and look for hers. They are already focused on me. “The woman I love is caressing me. That alone changes how I… uh… view your touch. Not all … mmmh touches.” I almost think she’s teasing my again! Her fingers draw close to the V of my legs but never touch what I need touched.

“And you… eep! You shared wonderful with me and I … uh… want to f-f-f-uck you.”

Without touching my clit, my breasts, or other areas that are quite sensual, she has me on the edge of fall into sublime pleasure. But the fall never comes. Her lips touch mine, fingers twirl my hair. Lips part and her tongue slips inside to explore me there. A need to taste her, other parts of her tries to push me over that edge.

Then her fingers leave my body to join the others in my hair. Our lips part with a gasp and panting from both. “Sometime,” I pant, “I’d like to explore you in the same way.”

“Why not right now?”

“Are you sure?”

Fingers lift my hand and place it on her hip. “The same rules,” she whispers. “You can touch me anywhere. If you… want to put your finger in… something, ask first.”

“Ok, Katie.” Little bumps of skin appear under my fingers when I say her pet name. “If you want to experience something new, close your eyes while I touch you.” Whether she does or not, she draws a sharp breath as my fingers glide along her thighs.

Later after more passionate love-making and our necessary recovery, Kate has snuggled down to her regular position below my chin. Our hair is plastered to our heads by sweat and sex hangs in the air mixed with pine and wood smoke, our own bouquet of love. We lay there, me on my back and her partially on me, skin on skin as she likes. I have to admit I like it too.

_Perhaps we can always sleep naked._

Until it’s disturbed by a soft sound, an unmistakable sound. I run my hand through Kate’s hair, stroking it softly away from her face, concerned she’s having a relapse of earlier. It’s much too dark for me to see more than a suggestion of her. “What’s the matter,” I whisper.

The question elicits another sob. “I-I’m sorry,” she whimpers between more sobs. “I…” Her words are choked off.

All sorts of thoughts race through my head, but don’t stay still long enough for me to capture and use. “Shhh,” I say instead, “Shhh. It will be ok.”

_What will be ok?_

And of course my groundless words don’t quell her sobs. Since I don’t know what else to say, I whisper, “It’s ok to cry, Kate. I’m here-”

“But for how long,” she cuts in.

Stunned, I grapple for words before I manage to spit out, “what do you mean?”

She moves up until we are eye to tear-glistened eye. “You aren’t… you aren’t home,” she chokes. “And I don’t know what that means! Will you stay? Will you go? If you go, will you be ok? Will I be ok? I just… I don’t know what to do and it hurts so much!”

“I… I don’t know either,” I whisper as emotions lay a tight hand around my throat. For five months now, I’ve walked life in a haze. The truth of my own reality was revealed to me in that place and I can’t face it.

For years I’ve run from it, pushed it down, hid it far away. Only I can’t do that anymore. Although She is no longer around to torment me, my own mind and heart do that aplenty.

Fingers touch my chin and trace little circles on it. “I’m sorry,” she whispers. In the time that I’ve tried to absorb her fears and deal with my own, she’s calmed herself.

“For what,” I manage to say with a hollow voice.

“You didn’t need my insecurities right now, especially not after… anyway, you have a lot to deal with and I’m sorry I just added to it.”

Right now, I wish there was more light so I could see the way she looks. “What do you mean by ‘not after’,” I ask as I try to stifle the emotions that continue to churn within me. I suspect her answer and don’t know why I even asked the question.

“I’m not ready to say goodbye,” she says. “But… I doubt I ever will. I’m scared, Max. Scared for you, for me, for Chloe. Whatever happens, though, I will always love you.”

_She didn’t answer my question._

With the way my mind is right now, detached and filled with unpleasant thoughts, I don’t want to pursue that. After her words fade into the night, her fingers travel down my neck to my chest, where she slowly draws patterns. That soon stops and her hand rests on my chest. I focus on its warmth.

“I don’t know.” The voice that speaks is mine yet isn’t. It travels from an unknown place to carry words I barely register. “It pulls at me… that other place. I couldn’t come to terms with it years ago when it happened, and I can’t even now. I’m in the moment, always in that moment, but I don’t want to be.”

It seems the warmth of her hand flares and spreads through me. “I… I broke… time! I’m scared for you, too. If I…” The words I need to speak close my throat to keep from becoming real. I shut my eyes. A tremor starts deep inside and spreads rapidly until my whole body shakes.

Arms wrap around me and I think I’m turned over, but I can’t tell. Life is too achy and real to be experienced right now. But I have to. “If I return I don’t know what will happen here. Where I am… is stable. That stuff that happened months ago was because of those Other people and because I denied the truth of who I am.”

Lips press against my forehead, spreading new warmth through me. “And who are you,” Kate whispers.

“A killer.” A gunshot echoes in my mind.

“A murderer.” A town is eaten alive by chaos.

“I could have stopped them, but I didn’t, I can’t.”

While I speak, I become aware again of myself. Kate holds me to her, my head on her breast, and comforts me like I did her. “You aren’t those things,” she whispers. Fingers twirl in my hair. “Why can’t you?”

“I… don’t know how.” That’s not what I really mean, but it suffices.

“Would you like to? Save them?”

“N-not if it means you and Chloe and Lynn…”

“Not if it means we cease to exist?”

All I can do is make a choked sound.

Her fingers continue to brush my hair. “I love you,” I whisper. There’s silence from her which kind of surprises me. My heart sinks as the silence lengthens.

“I love you,” she finally whispers. And with that, we fall into a strange silence. Through her chest, I hear her heartbeat and close my eyes to focus on its gentle rhythm. My other arm curls over her to hold us close.

The soft zzz of the tent zipper announces the arrival of Chloe. That and a blast of cold air. I barely feel it, but Kate shivers beneath me and I wrap myself tighter around her. She tightens her arms on me, too.

“Brr,” Kate says. “Close that door!”

“Yes, ma’am,” Chloe says teasingly. The sleeping bag prevents me from seeing her but I can imagine a cocky grin on her face as she complies. The zzz of the zipper sounds again then stops and there is an exaggerated sniff. “You girl’s had some _fucking_ fun in here!”

“Oh hush,” Kate retorts with a giggle. “Close the tent!”

Chloe laughs. The zipper sound continues with some playful grumbling. “I’m so glad my girls had fun together,” Chloe quips. Something pats the sleeping bag behind me. “I hope there’s room in there for three.”

“Yes…” There’s more than hesitation in Kate’s voice. Her body tensed at Chloe’s statement and I recall our conversation months ago.

_I’m her first._

That thought brings a beautiful sadness to me.

“To sleep,” Chloe says warmly. Kate immediately relaxes.

“Oh.”

A lot of muffled sounds, maybe of cloth rubbing together, filters through the sleeping bag. Kate kisses my head again. A moment later, the sleeping bag behind me moves and cool air rushes in.

“Eep!” The squeak explodes from me when the cool air hits my back. Then a warm body slides into the space and presses against me. The warmth replaces the cold and soothes me. Legs and arms kind of fold around me, pulling Chloe tight against my back. I’m a little self-conscious at first since Kate and I are naked, but that soon passes. Kate seems comfortable with it. I wonder at that, but maybe it’s because of the dark.

“My family,” Chloe whispers. “You two bring me such happiness.”

“Please don’t…” I can’t believe I voiced that thought.

“What,” Chloe asks. She rests a hand on the arm that’s wrapped around Kate.

“I… I’m having a hard time,” I force myself to say. “I’m split between two things: staying here with you and returning… home. When… when you say things like that it makes it so much harder. I want both.”

“Aww, I’m sorry,” Chloe says. Her hand leaves my arm to weave fingers through my hair. Much like Kate, I soon feel her lips pressed against my head. “That’s a fucking dilemma you’re in and I wish I could take that weight away from you.”

I close my eyes and focus on both of them as disconcerting thoughts flare to life again.

_I don’t belong here._

There’s a part of me, perhaps it’s the part that loves Kate and Chloe, that doesn’t want to let go of here. Even though the pull of home is so strong.

Really, it’s not so much the pull of home. It is the empty streets, the bereft families, the hole in my heart that pulls me. Each time I’ve been to Arcadia Bay, I’m reminded how its condition is a reflection of my soul.

And the only way I’ll be healed is to return and make everything right.

Which means leaving Kate and Chloe.

I barely feel their hands, or hear their words, as the grief finally overwhelms me.

Even in their arms I’m alone.

I am broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who didn't want to read the sex scenes: Kate takes a huge step in her relationship with Max by pushing past boundaries constructed by her upbringing in the Church (whatever Church that is). She has sex for the first time ever, with Max as her partner. Max provides basic sex ed during the scene, but focuses mostly on supporting Kate and helping her love herself. 
> 
> Max calls her Katie while they are intimate, which Kate adores. She's never had a pet name like that and asks Max to call her that when they are alone. Kate breaks down a couple of times as she tries to cast of the chains of her indoctrination and as she fears for Max.


	36. Chloe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like the previous chapter, this one contains smut. If you'd rather not read it then:
> 
> 1\. Read until the sentence "Or maybe I’m overthinking it."  
2\. Skip to the horizontal line
> 
> No smut!

Arcadia Bay. No matter where I am, or when I am, the town pulls me like the moth to the flame. It weighs my heart down. I am trapped within it though I walk free under the sky. It calls to me, accuses me, and lays bear who I am for all to see.

But no one can see except me.

And that’s all it takes.

I stand on solid ground surrounded by stones and crosses. Here are where people received proper burials. Here are laid to rest those who died of sickness, old age, accident. A few, perhaps, are here because of foul play.

Such the contrast to the throngs of people I see outside the cemetery. Cold eyes watch me as I wander among the graves. Arms stick between the iron bars, reaching for me. None of their faces are happy or at peace, like we hope is true of our dead loved ones, quite the opposite.

“_Come join us,” _they seem to call. “_Let us repay you with the kindness you deserve!”_

They should be here with the Arcadians of the past. Memorials to their lives should be among the rest. But they aren’t, they can’t, because of me.

The graveyard with its silent dead fades into the darkness of night. Kate’s breast is pressed against my cheek. I turn a little, but I’m stuck tight between she and Chloe. It seems wrong to be with the people I love when I took that from so many. The vision may be gone, but my heart is still within its icy clutches.

I turn to lay on my back, causing Chloe to move a little. She lays partially on my shoulder, her hand slipping down to my stomach.

The wonderful love I shared earlier with Kate comes to mind. It took so much for her to break past that inner armor to do that. And the fact she started it is even more amazing. The thoughts and memory causes my heart to speed up, throwing off some of the dread from my dream.

_What will happen to them when I leave? Will Kate be able to find love with Chloe? Will both have the support and care they truly need?_

Kate murmurs something in her sleep and draws closer to me. It’s very warm in the sleeping bag with them, only the tip of my head is exposed. And that tip is cold. I consider snuggling deeper into the bag but don’t really have room to move.

So, I lay there, eyes staring into the blackness of night inside a sleeping bag. When sleep does come, I’m not aware of it.

The three of us awaken at about the same time and for the same reason.

“Mmm, is that coffee I smell,” Kate says groggily.

“Fuck yeah,” Chloe says and starts to sit up. Our shrieks as cold, morning air hits Kate and my exposed skin causes her to stop. “Shit! Sorry about that.”

I poke my head out of the bag just enough to look around. Our pajamas are out of reach. Chloe sees what I’m looking for, and scoots out enough to grab the clothes and stuff them in the bag with us. “You might want to let them warm up first,” she says, then she slips from the bag.

My right side is immediately cold and I bundle the sleeping bag toward me to close off the space. Kate rolls into me and together we make a tight nest of the bag. The air inside quickly warms with our body heat.

Chloe puts her boots on, wraps a blanket around herself, and leaves the tent. After she zips it shut, we hear her tromp over to the campfire and talk to Lynn.

“Thank you for last night,” Kate whispers.

“You’re welcome,” I say, “and you too.” I turn on my side to more easily see her. Her cheeks are a little rosy, likely from the cold air. “How are you feeling… about having sex? I mean… what with your background and all…”

_Fuck, Max! What a stupid question!_

She bites her bottom lip before saying, “Guilty.” Her eyes don’t look at me. “Even though… even though I know what we did was wonderful and natural and I wanted to so much… I can’t shut down the voices that tell me God hates me. It hurts a lot…”

I study my Kate with her distant look and hints of shame in her eyes and feel nothing but love and compassion for her. “You deserve to be loved,” I whisper. “You deserve good things, like last night, and like this.” I run my fingers up her arm then draw her in for a hug. I want to kiss her, but fear that might be too much at the moment. Instead, I keep her in my arms and look at her.

“You are loved by me, by Chloe, by Lynn and others. Do you… believe that we love you?”

“Yes,” she whispers with her eyes downcast.

“Is it… hard to lay together like this, without clothes?”

She nods and I could swear a few tears form in her eyes. I want to pull her close again. “You often wear clothes that hide your body. That’s ok if that’s your choice. There’s nothing wrong with you or your body.” I slip my hand from the bag so I can brush hair away from her eyes. She smiles a little. “You’re pretty. I love your body, because it’s yours and you are a beautiful person.”

“Thanks,” she says hoarsely.

“I want to support you in this,” I say and wonder at what I’m saying.

_If I leave who will give her this support? It seems she didn’t get it from Chloe? Or maybe she didn’t try? Maybe I should speak to Chloe about it._

If the thought occurs to Kate, she doesn’t voice it. She grabs my hand, pulls it to her mouth, and kisses my fingers. “Thank you, Maxie,” she says and my eyebrows lift.

“Is that the first time you’ve used a nickname for me?”

She nods, then scoots close until we are completely touching. A little thrill runs through me at the contact. “I began therapy a couple of months ago,” she explains.

Now my eyes are wide. I had no idea.

“Please don’t feel bad, Max… Maxie,” she says. “I… did tell you, but I think you forgot. Until yesterday, you’ve been in this… haze.”

With a hard swallow, I ask, “Has it been helping? The therapy, I mean.”

She nods with a smile and says, “After a lot of research, I found one that specializes in people that come from my kind of background, a high-control religion. She’s been wonderful and has given me several tools to help. But…”

Her eyes crinkle as does her nose and she gets a goofy smile. “You’re the best tool by far.”

“Wait! What? Are you… are you making a Chloe-type joke?”

Her hands are inside the sleeping bag and as I speak, one of them caresses my breast. “Yes, I am,” she purrs.

* * *

The outside air is crisp and encourages a good stretch when I step from the tent. Kate follows me and zips the tent closed. At the fire, Chloe sits on a log and looks at us with an innocent grin. “I bet you girls are hungry,” she says. “I hope you didn’t wear yourselves out before our hike today.”

Heat rises in my cheeks and ears. From the corner of my eye, I see Kate squirming. Her cheeks are flushed in different way than several minutes ago.

“Are they fucking done yet,” shouts Lynn.

“Oh, yeah, they’re done fucking,” Chloe calls back to my and Kate’s astonished gasps.

“What,” Chloe says with a shrug. “It was obvious and it didn’t make any sense to lie.”

Still, my face is completely burning and when I look at Kate’s I see what mine must look like: bright pink with red ears. “Couldn’t you say it… differently,” Kate sputters.

Chloe manages an apology that Kate accepts. Lynn comes stomping up the hill, a bundle of firewood in her arms. She piles it close to the fire circle and sits on the log near Chloe.

“Good,” Lynn says, “I need some coffee.” With a hot mitt, she pulls the blue and white metal camp percolator off the fire and pours some into a mug.

“I’ll take some too, if you don’t mind,” I ask politely. Kate also asks for some and soon Lynn has two more mugs filled. Kate wanders off to take care of business while I pull up my own log to sit on.

“What’s the plan for the day,” I say after a sip.

“There are some trails nearby, with great overlooks,” Chloe says. “I thought we could do a day trip. Maybe get in some good pictures.”

“Sounds good,” I say around another sip. “What about breakfast?”

“Got it cooking already,” Chloe says. “I started once I heard things settle down in the tent.” The heat immediately returns to my face and I try to avoid looking at Lynn. “I brought some of that fake meat you like for breakfast.”

“Are you cooking it separate?”

“Nah, we’re all eating the same thing for breakfast. We had it for dinner a few weeks ago. It’s passable.”

Kate returns a moment later, wiping her hands on her pants. We put on clean clothes before we left the tent so we at least feel a little fresh. I do anyway. The smoke in my hair makes me long for a good shower though. I take care of morning business before breakfast and thrill as I hear Kate singing.

_I don’t recall her singing at all in the last few months. Or humming._

After breakfast, we sling some daypacks over our shoulders filled with supplies and set out. The trails are more like animal tracks that climb along hills and follow the stream that feeds the pond. The climb is gentle before leveling out, then it rises steeply to another level area.

We walk with minimal chatter at an easy pace that takes us through grasses and trees and stones as large as a car or larger. The forest and mountain around us are filled with bird song and animal calls. We take breaks when we want, whether to enjoy the view or catch a breath. Although my camera equipment isn’t with me, I capture many moments with my phone. The views are breathtaking, and not just of my girlfriends.

They seem to dote on me, showing me more than the usual attention. While Kate’s always been a little touchy-feely, she usually does so in rather chaste ways. Now, she’s bold, placing her hands on my waist or hips, holding me close and finding opportunities to leave little kisses on my neck or cheek. 

One spot where we break provides a breathtaking view of the peaks marching away to the East. After I take a couple photos, I study the different peaks, phone at my side. A body presses against my back, hands slide around my waist to hold me, and lips lightly kiss the back of my neck. “I… hope this is ok,” Kate whispers. I lean into her, enjoying sharing this space, this moment with her.

“It is,” I whisper, then give her a quick, but awkward kiss. “You’re free to hold me, cuddle me, kiss me whenever.”

Her cheek rubs against my head. “I love you,” she whispers. “I want to be your girl and hold you forever.”

I lay a hand on hers and close my eyes. Pine and sunshine and water and honey and other scents mix together into a wonderful aroma. “I love you too, Katie, my Katie.” Her ahir tickles me as she rests her chin on my shoulder. It’s a moment I want to be in forever.

Chloe, well, she’s Chloe. When she stands close, she practically drapes herself over me. And while she’s not a kisser, at least in public, she has no problems putting her hands in places.

“This is a little different,” I tell Chloe at one of our first stops. Her chin rests on my shoulder and her fingers rest on my tummy. I’m trying to line up a view of some trees.

“What’s different?”

“You… and Kate. You’re both so… close to me today.”

“Do you want us to stop? To back away?” Her fingers begin to lift away and I almost drop my phone as I clamp a hand over them.

“No!” The thought of her no longer touching me raises my voice and quickens my heart. “No,” I say more softly. “I… I like it.”

She seems to take that as an invitation and slips her hands into my front pockets. Such as they are anyway. I lean back and switch the phone camera to take a selfie of us. Right before I touch the button, she turns her head to kiss my cheek. One of her hands quickly comes up and flashes a gesture.

We stop for an extended break at a place where there is a jumbled mess of stones, each larger than a car. They lean and balance precariously against each other, forming an alluring contrast of angles. The far side, opposite the trail, also affords us a sweeping panorama of the valley below.

“Isn’t it gorgeous,” Kate says as she stands next to me. I glance at her and decide to play their little game.

“Not as gorgeous as you,” I whisper.

She doesn’t answer, but from the corner of my eye I see red creep up her face. While she enjoys the view, I step behind her shoulder and slip an arm around her waist. She leans into me and a memory of me doing that with Chloe flashes through my mind. Kate is very different though, with her presence, the way we fit together. Not better, just different. Her arms go around my waist, she kisses my neck lightly, then lays her head on my shoulder.

“Thank you,” she whispers.

“For what?”

“Telling me I’m gorgeous. It means a lot to me.”

I lean my head against hers and say, “Just telling the truth.”

“Doesn’t matter,” she says. “After years of being told not to focus on yourself, that to think you are pretty or handsome means you’re vain and not God’s friend… well, it kind of messes you up.”

“Oh, Katie,” I whisper into her hair as I give her another kiss.

_I can’t imagine telling such horrible things to a kind person like Kate._

Lips flit across my neck, little kisses from front to back. “You’re gorgeous, too,” she whispers.

We enjoy the view together, how the mountain plunges into a steep ravine with trees and boulders that break it up. We can’t see the foot of the mountain from here, there are too many trees and ridges and other things in the way. Beyond the tallest trees, Oregon stretches out into dark forest, glittering rivers, bright fields, and in the distance the smudge of civilization.

The trail takes us northerly, first along the eastern edge of the peaks, before swinging in a wide circle south. We break for lunch at a wide part of the stream, where a pool has formed with tiny falls and rapids. A curve of the mountain shelters us from the wind, letting only a light breeze disturb us. Despite the high elevation, we are hot and welcome the shade of the trees near the stream.

After eating, I lean back, cradle my head on my hands, and stare into the sky. At this height, the clouds seem to fly by. Too fast, certainly, to see any shapes in them. The sky beyond them is a brilliant blue that reminds me of a certain someone. I close my eyes to better become part of the world around me.

The low hum of conversation weaves into the rustle of grasses and shrubs from the gentle breeze. Water gurgles over rocks and there is the occasional plop from the pool. Birds and other animals make their sounds, perhaps conversing with each other.

Beyond the little dale, the Universe waits to pounce on me. The trip the three of them planned has bought me a break from the constancy of existence. It will soon come to an end and so will my peace of mind.

The vacation doesn’t budge the weight on my soul. It doesn’t heal the festering wound in my heart. From here, safe with Lynn and my girlfriends, I hear the call of the maelstrom and the truth it bears. It is Arcadia Bay and it wants me. I see it there, waiting, haunting me with its presence. It will do that until I give in or give up.

“Hey.” Chloe’s whisper brings me to myself and I open my eyes. Her head hangs over me, face in shadow by the overhead light. She moves to the side where I can now see her. Fingers touch my cheek and are held up for both of us to see. Sunlight sparkles off moisture on Chloe’s fingers.

“What’s on your mind,” she asks, but I don’t answer. After only a moment or two of my silence, she stretches out next to me. “Thinking about what you need to do?”

“Yes.” I breathe the truth into the air where it can take form and fly away, but all it does is crash to my chest with the weight of a thousand worlds.

Somehow, I am cradled against her side, my head resting on her arm. I don’t know when or how, but I’m holding tight to her shirt like it’s the only thing between me and a plunge into an abyss.

And maybe it is because the chasm looms between moments. I do know that Chloe’s coat is wet and sticky, presumably from me. Her arm tightens around me as I push myself against her side.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know.”

We’re silent for an age with the bubbling of the stream and our breathing the only sound. I watch her chest rise and fall and think about what was, what is, and what may be.

“I am afraid… of many things,” I breathe. Her coat creeps upward with each inhale. An urge to slip my hand inside takes hold, but I resist, curling my hand on itself. “Afraid of abandoning you and Kate again. Afraid that if I do leave a Max behind she won’t complete our family. Afraid that I’ll make the wrong choice. Afraid, afraid, afraid!”

I shift my eyes from her chest to her face. “Most of all,” I say, “I’m afraid that if I do what I’m supposed to that you and Kate and Lynn and… you’ll all vanish, like you never existed and I’ll…”

“You’ll be alone in a broken world,” she finishes for me. “And all this will cease to exist.”

I nod and hide my eyes from her. She holds me with the silence of friends and lovers on the mountainside in an Oregon that may never be. I lay against her, trying to imprint everything about her in my mind, in my soul. The way she sounds, the way she smells, the way she moves.

At last, she turns, which rolls me onto my back, and leans over me. Her hair falls around her head in a blue halo that scatters the sunlight. Her hat has fallen off, giving her hair freedom and life. She looks at me a moment, or an eternity, before her lips find mine. While there is a certain fire to the way she kisses, there’s also an element of carefulness like she too wants to capture everything that I am in herself.

Or maybe I’m overthinking it.

When we part, it’s so she can look deeply at me with her impish smile and twinkling eyes. “You are so goddamn cute,” she purrs. I reach up to tangle my fingers in her hair, enjoying the way the strands slip through my fingers.

“And you,” I say, “are a huge dork.” A grin spreads across my face.

“A dork, am I?” She rears up, her eyes slitting as that impish grin grows more mischievous. When her fingers attack, it’s direct to my belly, my most vulnerable spot! Laughter erupts from me and I try to swat her hands away. She grabs my hands and hold them away from me. Instead of tickling me again, she leans in and kisses me.

Her fingers return in dancing motions that coax embers into life. I press up against her and wrap my arms around her as that fire and heat spreads through me.

A leg slides over me so she lays atop me and she breaks the kiss again. “Is this… ok?” There’s a hesitation in her voice that isn’t quite her.

“What’s the matter,” I ask worriedly.

She looks at me, her fingers now circling my ear. “You are special, you know that Max? I think we don’t tell you that enough. I don’t tell you enough.”

“And you’re special, too,” I reply instead of the joke that springs to mind. “What’s brought this on?”

Her answer is to kiss my cheek and to descend in a blazing trail toward my neck. “Are you ok with this,” she breathes into my ear before she nibbles on the soft part.

My hands slide up her sides and beneath her shirt. Rock hard abs greet my fingers as they slide along her smooth skin and I whisper, “As long as you’re ok with this.”

“Hella ok.” Somehow she has her hands under my shirt, pushing it up in a throaty growl.

Fear stabs me and I push at her. “Wait! Aren’t Kate and Lynn-”

“They went ahead,” she says between kisses that descend my neck. She sits up a moment to shed her coat. With a deft move, she slips it underneath me. When she lays down, she shifts to place her lips on my chest and begins her kissing journey again.

Fingers slip under my bra and pushes it off my breasts. There’s a moment of cold that sends a shiver through me, then her hands cover them. Her palms against me feel so good, gentle and warm as she caresses my nipples and breasts.

Like her, my hands slide up her shirt, reveling in the shape of her muscles as I approach her breasts. Each ridge of firm muscle sends a shiver through me. Instead of pushing her bra off, I slip my hands under the band and into the cups. “What’s this,” I ask as my fingers find something unexpected.

“Mmmm,” she hisses, clearly enjoying what we’re doing. “I uh… umph I got them a few years ago.” Her lips are on mine, then my jaw and neck. They are a wandering fire that leaves arousal and a want wherever they touch.

“Ow!” A sharp pain shoots through my left breast.

“Sorry,” she apologizes sheepishly. “I… uh… it’s been a while and I’m a bit excited.”

“How long,” I ask as she tenderly massages my injured nipple. Her answer is to kiss me, to taste me as her fingers soothe and warm my breasts.

Between my fingers, her nipples are hard and inviting. I squeeze my fingers together firmly and she growls into our kiss. “You… remembered,” she pants as I rotate my fingers a little. The little bars catch on my fingers and make the turn easier and sharper.

Like her, I don’t answer. Instead I bite her lower lip and pull. The gentle pull breathes life into Chloe. With another growl, she kisses me hard, her tongue fully exploring me.

Under her shirt, I push her bra off and squeeze. Her fingers on my breasts fan the embers into a flame. There’s something about Chloe that’s so different from Kate. Slow and tender was our love making last night. Like Kate, I enjoy the soft touch of skin against skin and the slow burn of caresses and kisses. With Chloe, there’s a life and energy to what she does, to what she awakens.

And what she awakens wants attention now!

She growls and sits up swiftly, straddling my hips. With a quick motion she pulls off her shirt and bra and tosses them aside. She shakes her head once free of her shirt and for the first time I notice how long her hair is. Between chin and shoulder length filled with blues and purples, it hangs free and shimmers as it moves. Then she helps with removing my shirt and bra before covering my breasts with kisses and licks, and her whole mouth when she can.

It’s hard to get a hold of her breasts, or really do anything as she plays with me. Her growls and moans are all I hear above my heart and she’s stealing my breath away.

In a surprising move, I flip her onto her back and she cries out in surprise. I straddle her hips and look down at her. “My beautiful, Chloe,” I whisper. The bars through her nipples gleam in the sunlight and look quite inviting.

_That’s a new look. I like it._

I lean down and lick a nipple, letting my tongue play with its softness. I avoid the bar though her hands in my hair try to get me to attend to it. Up and down her breast I kiss, my hand busy with her other breast.

“Fuck, Max,” I she grunts.

“Maybe later,” I say and she groans. That’s when I take the bar between my teeth and gently tug it. At the same time I pinch her other nipple just right and pull it. Again, the bar makes it so much easier.

Chloe cries out and throws her head back. She arches up to push her breasts at me. I move with them, bar caught between my teeth and pulling, pulling, pulling while my other hand pinches and twists.

“Fuuuuuuuck!”

When she lays back down, I let go of the bar. Quick as I can, I slide up and kiss her. The bars feel different against the tender skin of my nipples. They feel good.

She wraps her arms around me and rolls so she’s on top. “I hope you’re fucking wet,” she says, “cause I wanna fuck you so bad!”

“And I want you to,” I pant.

She sits up again and slides down to my thighs. Her hands fumble with my pants but for once she’s impatient or flustered or something because her hands can’t quite seem to manage it. Calmly, which is the opposite of the roiling emotions inside me, I place my hands on hers. Together, we manage to unfasten my pants and unzip them. She does the same with hers, then leans over me on her hands and knees.

I look up into her panting face, flush with our love. She’s practically shivering in anticipation. Her tongue flicks across her lips. “It’s been five years,” she hoarsely whispers, “because there is only you. I tried… even tried flicking the bean myself several times, but there is no replacing you, Max.”

Then her fingers are on my stomach and my breath and heart quicken. They slide slowly down my skin, a burning desire questing to engulf me. I open my legs slightly as they pass beneath the waist band of my panties. I gasp as they slide over the sparse hair above their destination.

When she touches me, she leans down and kisses me. Then my hand is in her pants touching her and we’re both drenched. Our hands burn with the desires of our hearts and the desires of our sex. Round and round they go with hips moving to capture the best touch, the best pressure.

My tongue is in her mouth, tasting her and I like what I find. She moans in me, quick and low like her breathing. We’re of like mind and heart and our fingers slide into each other at almost the same time. In and out they go, palm pressed against clit and fingers inside our lover.

It’s quick and beautiful and passionate and we burn with it. We groan together as joy floods us and legs try to lock around hands. She collapses on me, our fingers trapped inside. Not for a moment do we stop bringing each other the joy and love that we feel for each other.

It’s been five years for her, but it feels like an eternity for me. And I want her to experience an eternity of bliss.

She lightly bites my shoulder as another orgasm rips through her. It’s not something I like, but for now it doesn’t diminish the joy that rides me. It’s a cue though and I lean over and bite the base of her neck.

Chloe squirms and cries out as my teeth pinch her! It’s not enough to break the skin, but it will definitely leave a mark.

Our hands gradually cramp in the odd position we lay and they stop moving. With that, our orgasms slowly fade. The good feelings don’t leave though.

Carefully, we extract our fingers from vaginas and pants. Chloe, typically, raises hers to her mouth and makes a show of licking them. “Can’t wait til I have my mouth on the real thing,” she huskily whispers. My face burns, though I know we’ve done this many times in the past. I dry my fingers on her pants before I reach up and touch her hair.

Much like last night, I look into the eyes of Chloe and say, “I love you.”

“Oh you do,” she replies teasingly. “How much?”

“There is no quantity to love,” I pout. “It’s not like you can measure it with a ruler or bucket or something.”

She blows air out of her mouth, then leans in and kisses my cheek. “Some day, Caulfield,” she whispers, “you’ll have a better answer than that.” She licks my earlobe, then says, “I love you. I love you and Kate.”

“And I do too.”

With her on top of me, she keeps me warm from the slight breeze that begins to blow. I run my fingers over her back and shoulders to help keep her warm.

“I’m… glad you and Kate were together last night.”

“Together?” I tilt my head to peer at her. “You mean had sex?”

She grins and says, “That’s right.” Her face grows serious then and she says, “She loves you a lot and knowing she was finally able to break free of what her religion did to her? Well, it fucking makes my heart sing. I haven’t seen her this happy in ages.”

“She’s wonderful and I love seeing her happy,” I agree, “but I’d rather not talk about sex with other women. I’d rather talk about you, us.”

Her brows lower slightly and she looks at me. “What do you mean?”

“What I mean…” There are words I want to say. About my concern that she didn’t find someone while I was gone. About how I’m concerned that when I leave it will send her into a spiral. But I can’t voice them.

“… Is you are the fucking best, and I’m happy to be your First Mate.”

“Pirates forever, is it?”

“Forever.” Then our lips meet. She moves to straddle me again, but I break the kiss. “No,” I say. “There’s… something I’d like to do… I know… I know it’s something you’ve wanted to do in the past… and I think I’d like to… do it.”

“That’s hella vague,” she says with a frown.

“Lay on your stomach.”

She looks at me with a frowny face a moment longer and butterflies take flight in my stomach. I’ve always hesitated to do this in the past, but for some reason I want to do this. No. I know the reason, I just don’t want to admit it and I sure as hell don’t want to voice it.

Slowly, she moves until her front rests on her jacket. Her arms are clamped to her sides with hands under her shoulders. I move over her legs, knees on either side of hers, and ignore the shiver that claims me. It’s not from the breeze at all. With uncertain hands, I grab the waistband of her jeans and underwear and slowly pull. She lifts her hips so I can pull them over her butt.

The jeans slowly reveal her ass and my heart pounds, pounds, pounds at what I plan. Her panties peel off her in a way that makes my stomach leap. Inch by inch her clothes move to reveal her smooth ass. I lick my lips nervously and stop pulling once the jeans are below her cheeks.

Her ass is as toned as her abs, likely from all the work she does at the shop. Curved and inviting, the cheeks rise up from her jeans to curve toward her back. I flick my eyes to her face to see her head is turned to the side and her eyes are closed. There’s a cautious expectation to her, as if the moment is unreal and will shatter if she opens her eyes.

Soft skin and toned muscle greets my hands as I rest them on her butt. I flex my fingers, feeling their warmth, their incongruently hard softness. Carefully, I lean forward and kiss her spine in the small of her back. She makes a tiny noise, maybe a sharp intake of air, when my lips touch her. With little staccato kisses, my lips travel down her spine which shivers with anticipation.

The butterflies have settled into a warm churn inside me as my fingers play with her butt. They squeeze and spread and move them with firm caresses as my kisses continue their journey.

Then my lips are at the juncture where her beautiful ass begins. There are different directions my lips could travel: left, right, up, down, or something else. Both of us seem to be holding our breath and my skin is burning to match the flame inside me.

This is something she’d wanted to try before I left. The memories flood into me. There were other things I’d agreed to do instead, and I’ll likely do those too. The anticipation I detect in her, the tension as she tries to keep her body relaxed, I felt as my lips traveled up this part of her body. It sends a desire through me that confirms and affirms my decision. 

Chloe’s body thrums with excitement as I pause and look up at her. Her eyes remain closed, but her mouth is open. Her body is still as she awaits the next touch. Along the backs of her arms and other places I see tiny goosebumps from her excitement.

The pause is only for a moment as I squeeze her ass and gently move my hands apart. My lips touch the last spot with a slight lick, before they continue straight down the center.

She tenses and air explodes from her as my kisses descend between her cheeks into the depths that hide there. I stop at the center and place several kisses to either side. Then oh so slowly, I extend my tongue and lightly lick her.

“Fuuuuuuuuuuck,” she cries and pushes her butt toward my face. I keep my tongue in place, licking and kissing as she pushes. Moans explode from her and her butt quivers as I lick. It’s strange and wonderful and different and fucking hot because it’s something she enjoys. I trace little circles with my tongue, not really sure how this is supposed to work, and kiss and tap and just try to find the things that her cry out.

After a time, I slide a hand around and under her where I can rub her pussy and clit. Hot wetness coats my hand as I press against her. She cries out what she wants and I do my best to do it. Over the curve of her butt, I see her face turned on the ground. Red cheeks and eyes screwed tight as she pants and moans. Again and again she pushes and gyrates as more sounds explode from her.

The excitement and pleasure she feels passes into me and I have a need to do something. My other hand slips into my pants to slide two fingers inside myself. Her butt grinds on my face and tongue as my hips grind against my hand.

Fingers slip into my hair to press my face tight against her. My tongue is licking and pressing and devouring this new experience. I’m so turned on I don’t know what I’m doing but it doesn’t matter because there is only Chloe and her joy and the knowledge that I’m making her feel things she’s never felt before but always wanted to!

Chloe shudders and cries out! She presses so hard in both directions it’s like she wants me inside her in an impossible way. At least like this. Again and again she cries out, some more like whimpers. My own orgasm is slow in coming this time, but that doesn’t matter because hearing Chloe caught in the throes of hers is amazing!

Then her butt is gone and she’s turned and is kissing me. Her tongue is all over my face, licking my lips and cheeks and diving into my mouth. “Get your hand out of your pants,” she playfully growls. “That’s where my mouth belongs.”

“I thought you’d never ask,” I pant into the next kiss. She has her pants and underwear off before my hand is out of my pants. She grabs my fingers and sticks them in her mouth. She sucks on them hard, tongue swirling all over them. When she lets them free, it’s only to slip them into herself. She shudders as my fingers enter her.

“I love having you fuck me with the fingers you just fucked yourself with,” she moans as she moves up and down on my fingers. Her eyes open and she licks her lips. “But enough about me.” My pussy is the target of her gaze.

When I move to lay on her coat, she shakes her head. “Nuh-uh! I want to do something different.”

“What,” I ask cautiously. _We should have discussed this beforehand!_

“Would you be ok sitting on my face,” she whispers.

_That’s new, but not very different than what we usually do._

“Sure.”

Quick as a flash, she’s on her back. I swing a leg over her then lower myself until I’m just above her mouth. “Um… I don’t want to smother you,” I say. “Push me or tell if you can’t breathe.”

“Will do,” she says with her eyes fixed on my pussy just above her.

I slowly descend the rest of the way with my eyes closed. Her mouth kisses my outer lips with a warmth and tenderness that makes me moan. Then her tongue is pressed at the bottom of my lips and I shudder.

_Her tongue is so close to…_

An image flashes through my mind of me eating Chloe’s ass. It inflames my skin and I pant as her tongue moves. The image is replaced with a curious question.

_What if she did that to me?_

But I can’t dwell on that question, mostly because Chloe’s tongue begins a slow trip up. It parts my lips, then presses deeper to part my inner lips. And still it moves, a slow lick that spreads my dampness to her, and up, up, up.

Her tongue pulls a moan from me as it slowly makes its way to press against my clit. It pauses there, a writhing pressure that turns the slow flame into an inferno! My eyes flick open and the sight of Chloe underneath me, her eyes peeking over the swell of my mons is beautiful!

I groan as her hands slide up to fondle my breasts. They caress my nipples while her tongue licks and licks like it will never stop.

And I don’t want it to stop.

I want her tongue there forever!

I want to look down and see her shining eyes while she fucks me.

But this position is new to me. The pleasure that surges through me takes control of my body. I thrust my hips, but nothing meets them and I’m disappointed.

“Push down,” she whispers, her hands now wrapped around my hips.

I push down, which helps her tongue to reach new spots. “Uhhh,” I cry, not caring if I make sense. The energy takes over and I begin moving my hips back and forth, back and forth.

My eyes close again as she brings new sensations to life. Her tongue laps my clit, presses against it. My stomach is doing weird things, moving in and out as I grind against her face. Then my eyes open and I lean down. Her hair, long and blue, feels good as my fingers slip around her head.

I fasten my fingers behind her head and push down with my hips. At the same time I pull up on her head, trying to drive her tongue deeper. I try to push her into me, like she did to me just a few fiery moments ago.

And the electricity returns. My skin tingles and my whole world becomes Chloe’s face between my legs, a lapping tongue, and a need for it never to end.

Air comes in ragged gasps as I want her tongue to go faster! I smash against her mouth. I need her inside me! I grind myself against her, harder, faster, as I can’t get enough of her! Her blue eyes smile at me between my legs as she eats me and my mind and body lock.

The world becomes a dull roar, a strange static in my ears. Wave after wave of pleasure sweeps me to new heights. Thought flees me and so does my vision. And the orgasm doesn’t end. It stretches into that eternity that I long for, filled with blue eyes and a smile and a tongue that just won’t stop.

Only, it eventually does. Or maybe I stop. I don’t know. What I do know is that when I can see again, I’m on my side. Our clothes are underneath me, protecting me from the dirt and the twigs I feel through them. Chloe holds me close to her, fingers lovingly stroking my hair.

“That was fucking amazing,” I pant. Each word is an effort.

“Yes you were,” she quips, then kisses me. I sink into the kiss, letting her fill me and love me. I touch her cheek, her hair as we kiss and I never want this moment of bliss to end.

Our lips part with a noise that makes her smile. “You are fucking amazing,” she echoes my words to me. Then she kisses me again.

The afternoon sun warms us despite the high elevation. There’s a certain way with Chloe’s smile, or the shape of her body snugged against mine. Her eyes wander over me; a warm glow lights them. Fingers trace lines on my bare stomach, up toward and between my breasts then down.

The last few months are lost to a haze and I look at them now with a sense of loss. Within a few hours, both Kate and Chloe have taken our relationships to new levels and I wish that I had been present enough for that to happen sooner. Not for myself, but for them. What these moments have awoken in them makes my heart sing just as much as we made our bodies sing.

I look at my Chloe and can’t hold back the thoughts anymore. They started last night around the campfire.

“What’s on your mind,” Chloe asks as her fingers stroke my breasts.

I hesitate for a moment. I want to be truthful, but am anxious that it will ruin this wonderful moment between us. “Kind of sad,” I say, my voice betraying it’s more than ‘kind of’. Her fingers stop and her eyes look at mine concerned.

“What are you sad about,” she asks slowly as if she doesn’t want the answer.

I squirm a little before I whisper, “You aren’t my Chloe and I’m not your Max. And… I…” I can’t bring myself to say the words. Her beautiful smile blurs into a mass of blues and pinks and whites.

Her fingers resume a slow march across my skin. They soothe and burn as they travel. “When you… are in another place,” she whispers. “What happens to the Max who… belongs there?”

My gaze moves from her to the sky. The tops of trees sway gently in a breeze only they can feel. The sky is deep blue with white clouds that hurry across it.

“In other places,” I hesitantly say, “she’s inside me, in my head.”

“Does she know what’s going on?”

“Kind of? I don’t know. I can’t talk with her, if that’s what you’re wondering. She’s more like a presence and I can sense general emotion from her, but that’s it.”

The fingers travel up and circle one of my breasts. They trace the edge of the areole before slipping around the nipple. A light shudder passes through me from her touch, but my mind and emotions don’t quite match the feelings. “What do you sense from her now?”

I tremble, both from her fingers and the question. “I don’t.” The words escape into the world to join this new reality I began to make last night; a reality where I open myself to my friends.

“What… do you mean?”

Her brow is slightly lowered, her eyes darting between mine. I place my hand over hers, trapping it against my body. “One of the reasons I thought this… place was home,” I slowly answer, “is because I couldn’t find a trace of a Max. You, Kate, and others have strong memories of her, but she simply… isn’t.”

“Damn.”

She searches my face, her own face softening as I imagine her pondering the news I just shared. I can’t imagine what she’s thinking right now and am a little afraid to ask.

_She knows I want to leave… need to leave. And I just told her that when I do, a Max won’t be waiting for her._

With that thought, I raise my hand to touch her face. I trace her jaw from her ear to her chin. Her lips are soft. I close my eyes a moment, just so I can better appreciate how she feels.

Her hand on my chest moves again, sliding from my breast up my neck and into my hair. Lips lightly press against mine and I open my eyes. She gives a little smile as she hovers over me.

We kiss again, a tender moment between lovers. It’s to reassure, to soothe and calm and it works. I look into her eyes, wondering what I can do so she won’t feel pain, yet knowing I may not be able to do that.

“Do you get her memories?” The question surprises me, especially because her hands have returned to caressing my body. Fingers explore everywhere they can, at least everywhere I’m comfortable.

“Usually,” I answer. “Sometimes it’s like they’re waiting for me. They flood me and overwhelm me. Other times, it takes a while for them to filter in.”

“And here?” Her lips are kissing my neck and shoulders. It’s a strange message she’s sending.

“They took a while.” It’s hard to keep my emotions in check. Her fingers and kisses are doing one thing, but my thoughts are doing another. They pull me in confusing directions and it’s so hard to think. As if to help me, her fingers move to my face where she brushes my cheek.

“I’m always your Chloe,” she breathes in my ear. The words draw a sad smile to my face.

“And… I’m always your Max,” I choke. “Now… Now I’m just sad.”

Her arm slips under my head to cradle me close to her. “Why are you said,” she asks.

“Sad… that we didn’t do this months ago.”

Her fingers resume their journey and her face softens. “It happened when we were ready,” she says as her fingers slide upward. “The last few months were about adjustment and survival.”

_She means helping me live day to day… It happened when I was ready._

“I’m glad it happened,” I say as I gaze into her eyes. A strong urge to feel her again, the warmth of her skin, the hardness of her muscles, the softness of her lips. The urge fills me near to trembling as I look at my girlfriend.

_If I stayed… would one of our couples get married? How does that work? Does it even matter?_

“I love you,” I whisper. She smiles and a new star forms in my heart.

“I love you too,” she breathes.

I touch her lips with one finger, then slowly move it down. It crosses her chin, down her neck and between her breasts, questing southward. It slips between her legs to gently caress her. A slight flush starts in her face and I note that her breathing is a little heavier.

“Wanting a little more fun, are you,” She teases as she fondles my breast. My answer is to lean up and kiss her. When I come away, I use my other hand to pull her down to me. She shifts to lay on top of me and I wrap my arms around her.

“Love me like our first time,” I whisper between kisses.

Her brows furrow a little but instead of asking a question, she slips a leg between mine. Her lips sear a trail down my jaw to my neck, while her leg begins to do things.

Everywhere her body touches mine tingles. Her lips and tongue play on my neck and shoulders, with little licks and kisses that swell my heart. Her fingers in my hair draw my attention and I pull her hand to my mouth. I lick the first two before I pull them into my mouth to suck on.

Chloe moans as I taste a mixture of ourselves on her fingers. Long ago I gave up trying to understand why she likes it when I suck her fingers. She looks at me with parted lips and quickened breath. Blue hair lit by the afternoon light falls around her face.

Unlike earlier, our love making is slow and tender. She makes me the center of her universe as she works her peculiar magic on me, and I make her mine. The joy and love that swells in my heart and fueled by the burning in my core is tinged by an unshakable sadness. She holds me close to her, panting my name as she gives me a pleasure beyond description.

And when I’ve had my fill, I turn my attention to her. Hot, sweaty, and rather fatigued by the experience, I slip my arms around her and try to give her all that I have.

“Slide your fingers down,” she whispers. I slide one hand over her butt and slip my fingers to press against her without jabbing my leg.

“N-not there,” she pants and moves my head to press my fingers on the right spot.

I watch her unfocused eyes above mine as she pants with desire. Sweat has her hair in clumps, hanging over me or pressed to her head. We kiss a few times, but it’s more satisfying for both to leave our mouths free. Well, somewhat free. I nibble along her jaw, then down her neck, sometimes biting because she likes it. And the sounds she makes when I do! To me, there’s nothing like bringing such bliss to your partner.

Below, my fingers slide and press where she wants, where she needs them. She groans with each motion. My thumb slips upward as memory blooms within me. Another groan is my reward and she presses herself against my hand so hard I think something’s gonna break! The only thing that breaks is whatever held back her pleasure because it rips through her body and causes her to passionately attack my neck. Her lips are all over me, teeth nipping, and bringing me to another peak.

We groan loudly until our mouths smash together. The world disappears as we lose ourselves in each other.

When the world returns to me, or I to it, I find myself cradled against her again. We’re hot and sweaty and sticky, but a euphoric high has swathed my mind and body into a wonderful place. Her arm pillows my head. Fingers slide through my hair then trail along my body.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Chloe whispers before kissing my forehead.

Right now, I want to hold onto her and never let her go. My hands slip around her and I press against her. “Ready for more,” she asks with a raised eyebrow.

“No,” I answer before I snuggle my face against her, “just feeling good in the moment and never wanting to let you ago.”

She smiles and kisses me again. “I never want to let you go, either.” I close my eyes to be in the moment. The smell of sweat, old smoke, grease, our sex, and even a little weed cling to her. I don’t recall noticing scents before like I do now.

Chloe hums a little tune and I thrill to the vibrations that resound through her into me. I want to absorb everything about her: the smells, the softness of her breasts and the firmness of her muscles, everything she is and will be.

I am safe in her arms. I can’t resist planting little kisses on her chest. “Trying to start something,” she murmurs.

“No,” I whisper between kisses. “Just showing you how you make me feel.”

After a few more kisses, I stop and breathe her. “Can I ask you something,” I say as a warmth suffuses me.

“Sure,” she breathes. Her fingers continue to trail along my side and back. I think I’m in heaven right now.

“The five years I was gone after… the storm, you said there was only me. What about Kate?”

She sighs and the fingers rest along my side. “Kate and I…” She falls silent after that. I tilt my head to look up at her. “When you left… it wasn’t like when we were kids. I wanted you to come back, needed you to. We’d never had a frank discussion about how our relationships would work together. You and I had a lot of sex, despite our arguments. You and Kate were headed in that direction. Before it could happen you… she disappeared.

“It left me in this weird place where I didn’t feel right having sex with someone else. I tried, but it wasn’t the same. It’s not like I needed your permission, it’s just…”

She adjusts herself to better look at me. Unfortunately, that means I’m no longer cradled to her breast and I miss that comfort. Fingers touch my lips, then my chin, before sliding into my hair. “Without you in my life, everyone else seems so… flat and empty. I didn’t want to pursue anything with Kate because I was afraid to have the same experience with her. I didn’t want to find her empty, it wouldn’t be right. At least I don’t think so.”

Like her, I touch her lips, then trace my fingers along her cheek into her hair. For a time I let my world become Chloe and her presence. “When I go-”

“If you go,” she interrupts firmly.

“When I go,” I slowly repeat. “Please don’t… I want you to be happy, to have the same joy we just experienced. And I want you to feel free to enjoy that with Kate or someone else.”

“You want me to fuck Kate,” she mutters.

“No, I’m saying it’s ok to love her. I’ve seen the way you care for each other. The looks you give her when she walks into the room, or when she does something for you. And if that means sex, then that’s ok. You aren’t mine alone, and neither is she. I… I love you both.”

She pulls me back against her without a word and her hands resume caressing me. I snuggle down until my face rests against her chest again.

_Kind of like Kate…_

“We should… talk more about this stuff,” she says. “The three of us. It’s what we planned to do five years ago. Time to follow through.”

_She’s ignoring what I said._

I decide not to remind her. Later, I’ll tell all of them. Instead, I press myself against her and will myself to enjoy being in this moment with her.

* * *

Mountain living means short days, even in the summer. The western peaks hide the sun long before it plunges the Oregon coast into darkness. Long shadows accompany Chloe and I as we walk back to camp. We never caught up with Kate and Lynn. But of course, that was Chloe’s plan. The entire afternoon was spent catching up with each other, much as Kate and I did hours earlier.

I wonder about that, the ease with which both of my girlfriends took us into new territory. Why now? And why on the same trip that I tell them what’s going on?

_Only, I didn’t tell them everything. And maybe I’m overthinking it._

As those thoughts flit through my mind, a new thought rises that sends shivers through me.

_What if they both want to have sex with me tonight? At the same time!_

I look up at my blue-haired girlfriend who’s making a crass remark about the shape of a dead tree ahead.

_No, I know I’m not ready for that. And I’m certain Kate isn’t either. What we did last night and this morning I think took her to her limits._

After our morning tryst, Kate was very uncomfortable even hinting at what we did together. That was especially true with her sister present. I’m positive she and Chloe have not progressed beyond hugs and cuddles with the occasional kiss.

Those thoughts fade away as I cling to Chloe’s arm. The camp is close. Smoke from the fire twirls through the trees and we can hear Kate singing. With that proximity comes the expectation that all this is temporary.

_Maybe I should tell them the rest._

_Or maybe I’m out of my mind with joy because of Kate and Chloe and it’s effecting my thinking. Why hurry what I have?_

But no. I should tell them because keeping it to myself is one of the reasons I slipped into that haze. It’s bad enough that I expect the world around me to fade into another reality at any moment. The uncertainty that rules my life has put enough obstacles in our relationships. I don’t need to add more. I stop Chloe before we reach the path to the campsite. In the low light, she stands mysterious and alluring. I smile and give her a quick kiss.

“Not complaining,” she says, “What’s that for?”

“Because I can.”

“Ok.” She doesn’t let me turn away. Her hands go about my waist and slip into my back pockets. “Spontaneity isn’t really your thing,” she says. “That’s my specialty. What’s on your mind?”

With a sigh, I lean my head against her. “That was… to seal off the best night and day of my life before I tell you…” The images and sounds and feelings all rush back to me, choking me, squeezing my throat and chest until nothing can escape!

“About that promise you mentioned last night,” she says when I don’t continue. Still in the grip of memories, I nod my head. She holds me close, moving her hands to my back.

We stand there until the tension leaves me and I sag against her. Her arms begin to slide away from me and I say, “Please! Not yet. Let me… let me just be here a little longer.”

Her arms return and we stand in a tight hug. She sways gently and I let myself be part of the moment, part of her. I look up at her, framed now by mountain peaks and early stars and an indigo sky. “No matter what happens,” I whisper. “I will always remember you.”

“Well I certainly hope so,” Chloe says, completely unaware of why I say that. And that’s the way it should be. I step out of her arms, letting my hand slide down to grab hers, then turn toward the camp.

Food sizzles on an iron skillet set on a stone among glowing embers. Lynn stirs the contents with a long fork, or maybe it’s a stick. Kate looks up at our approach. She beams a smile at us, then makes room on the log. We seat ourselves, me in between them. Kate immediately leans close and kisses my cheek. Her hands take mine as she quietly giggles and says, “Welcome back.”

Neither of them asks what we did, though Lynn flashes us a look and Kate reaches up to brushes something from my hair. The smile she gives me tells me she knows. We chat a little about the area, the hike, the food Lynn is preparing, and other things.

Once dinner is done and everything cleaned up, the talk dies down until the only sounds are the crackles and pops of the fire and animals in the nearby forest. I shiver as I contemplate what I need to share and I move to stand. Kate places a hand lightly on my arm. “Please don’t,” she says with her big eyes and sad mouth.

And so I stay, though I do slide off the log to rest my back against it. My busy hands find some twigs to play with. Soon, little bits of wood flick from my hands to fly into the fire where they bounce and dance among the embers.

“One of the last things you… Chloe said to me before I went back in time,” I say to the flames. It’s easier that way and they provide a good analogue of my life. Always in motion, devouring and destroying, unpredictable.

“We have to save everybody, okay? And you'll make those fuckers pay for what they did to Rachel. Being together this week... it was the best farewell gift I could have hoped for. You're my hero, Max.”

Rain drenches me as I lean against the log and the wind blows my hair into my face. Beyond the fire I see Chloe, soaked to the skin, and so brave, so so brave to face a death that she didn’t deserve. It tears my heart apart again to know she volunteered to go back to a reality where she’d die alone in a bathroom thinking everyone in her life had abandoned her. My chest burns as I watch her bid me farewell.

A hand touches mine and through the fire I see the girl I made that promise to. “A promise I never kept. And when the storm came anyway… it broke me. She’d died for nothing and because I…” My voice cuts off as I see her again, the last time we were together that she would remember: fourteen at her father’s funeral. No one should have to go through something like that.

Fingers stroke my hair. My girlfriends are near. My girlfriends are dead. They comfort me without being too close as the flames blur and twist into columns that blaze into the air.

“I didn’t save anyone. It didn’t matter that Jefferson died in the storm, because everyone else did, too.” In the distance, the cries of the dead damn me.

“Max.” Chloe’s whisper finds me and returns me to the forest and campfire. She kneels before me, my hands held in hers. “It’s ok, Max,” she whispers. “It’s ok to go back and save everyone. I know you can.”

Next to me, Kate says something similar while Lynn remains silent. I shake my head vigorously. “If I go back,” I say to them, “I don’t know what will happen here.”

“You’ll go away,” Chloe says with a sideways nod of her head, “and the Max for this timeline will take over. It’ll be ok. And the… you’ll be back.”

I shake my head and look down. “No it won’t,” I whisper. “Losing you and the whole town… it broke me. I tried to fix it… or do something, but it all went wrong and time kind of exploded.” I look up at her, though I can barely see her now. Everything is blurry and smeared.

“All those realities I described? They aren’t permanent. They’re all disintegrating, short-lived. Wherever I am, I bring stability. And there is no Max for this timeline. She’s gone and I don’t know where!

“If I go…” I can’t finish it. I can’t!

They must know because despite the haze that descends upon my mind as I voice those words, arms wrap around me. Their touch breaks the dam. No tears fall, I think I’m all cried out, but I shake and tremble and scream at the cruelty of the universe.

I have been given a power beyond any comprehension.

To use it brings harm beyond belief.


	37. Save Everyone

Held in the throes of the fit, I scream and shout and shake until I can’t even move. My throat is raw and my body spent. Kate’s arms around me, once a warm safety, can’t shield me from myself. She can’t hide me from what hunts me. My fingers curl against her shirt, its fabric thwarting me from what I want. The demand to touch and feel her nearly overwhelms me.

Chloe sits behind me, her presence pressing against mine. A water bottle appears in front of me but I’m too weak to hold it. Kate guides it to my lips. The cool water refreshes my throat and a little of my spirit, but it’s bittersweet.

Nothing can truly refresh me, not now, maybe not ever. Even the love and the beautiful moments shared between Kate, I, and Chloe has its edges tainted and tattered. And that fucking hurts.

_How many realities formed and died in the last five months? How many last night and this afternoon while I focused on myself? How many more will it take? And when will this one disappear? Am I right? Do I really bring stability?_

“Do you feel like talking more,” Kate cautiously asks as she tightens the cap. “Or doing something else?”

“I… can talk more,” I say. Surprisingly, my voice is fine, despite the screaming earlier.

“The Max… here,” Kate says, “was with us for several months after the storm.”

_Sarah. Her parents. I didn’t save them. Or you, Kate._

“Then she disappeared and five years later we find you. Only, you’re not the same person. How did that happen?”

“Give me a moment,” I whisper and lay my head on her shoulder. I do my best to clear my mind and let myself become part of the world that wants to reject me. The shirt Kate wears is flannel, fuzzy, and soft. The individual fibers draw my senses. Beyond those fibers is her t-shirt and her, warm and alive. The softness of her shirt is pleasant to the touch. But the need for something else is too powerful. I slip my hand underneath her shirt to rest against her bare skin, then quickly pull it away.

“It’s ok,” Kate whispers and my hand returns. A pressure appears atop my hand, holding it against her.

Prickles of energy light up my fingers and hand. Brought to life by the contact, they slip into my hand, up my arm and into my heart. A warmth accompanies them, soothing away the harsh feelings I hold.

With my head against her shoulder, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Honey and sunshine. Those are the scents that always mark Kate. Grease and cigarettes and weed are Chloe’s scents. They wreathe me in familiarity.

“After the storm,” I whisper, “the one that wasn’t supposed to come, I was kind of out of it. I’m not really sure what happened. I left town, I don’t know how. No matter where I went or what I did, the town pulled at me. My mind and heart pushed me to return to Arcadia Bay. Grief. Guilt. Self-loathing. These feelings and more drove me.

“But there was also something about the town that drew me. I couldn’t escape it until one night, I found myself on the waterfront. The diner was a flattened ruin. The whole town seemed impossibly alive, screaming at me, hating me! It didn’t want me dead. It wanted me in pain. And that’s what it got.”

I turn my head, eyes still closed, and burrow into Kate. Her hair falls over me, soft and gentle and I get a deep whiff of her. Wood smoke and other camping scents now mingle with her own. It’s not bad, though it’s not the same. That doesn’t matter though, because it’s still Kate.

Chloe is behind us, but too far away and I need her too. I need both of them. It’s the only way I don’t fall into the pieces that I truly am. I open my eyes so I can see her and pull part of her close to me. Kate says something I don’t hear and then they’re moving.

They reposition me and themselves until I’m trapped between them like the other night. Both my hands touch skin and I almost cry at how well they know me. Their hearts beat in my ears and I close my eyes. Now, I can focus on them, on their realness. The beat of their hearts soothes me, like their scents. Again, I marvel at the change wrought in me over the last months.

_How did I change when I was numb and out of it?_

“Jefferson showed up-”

“I thought the fucker was dead there,” Chloe interjects.

“He was… is. Yet, he showed up somehow. He had this… power… could create portals. I tried to escape and everything went… weird. Then those people showed up, the ones I told you about.”

_The people I fought in an Arcadia Bay that is somewhere else. A place like here but not. Where Kate…_

I don’t want to continue that thought.

“One of them grabbed me, I tried to get away by freezing time and everything went to shit. After that it’s all kind of a blur. I get these flashes like of other lives and places. I don’t know. My first clear memory is with you two and a woman named Ethel. We were in a mountain cabin, here, but in another reality. From there… I kind of bounced through different realities until I ended up here.”

_You drew me here._

The crackle and pop of the fire fills the silence that my words leave behind. I’m warm and snuggly between my girlfriends, though a dread continues to pull at my heart. Sparks rise on the smoke column into the night. A throat clears and I’m reminded that Lynn is here. She’s been silent for much of our conversation.

“Hey, uh, sorry about what you’ve been through, Max,” she says. “Uh… does anyone want to make s’mores?”

“What about your ability,” Chloe asks. “Can you see what Max needs to do? Or how this will end? Will it end?”

There’s a moment filled with crackling, popping wood before Lynn whispers, “I wish I could. The visions I had… they stopped after Max absorbed the power under Blackwell. My other abilities work, which is how I found this place. The visions… nothing.”

“What do you think that means,” I ask.

“Hell if I know,” Lynn says. “Before you went to Blackwell, the visions were persistent and frequent. They were always: bring back Rachel, get Max to Blackwell. Since then, nothing has happened. It’s like… the visions were for a purpose and that purpose is fulfilled.”

“What was the purpose though? To banish those other people?”

She doesn’t answer. The fire steals my gaze. Fingers play with my hair, with my arm and I want to lose myself in the sensations. Better that than deal with the way life pulls at my heart and confidence.

“S’mores then,” Lynn repeats softly.

“Whatcha think, Max,” Chloe asks.

“Sure.” It’s another distraction, another way to ward off the feelings that encroach upon my heart.

We sit up and I stretch. The flames dance and twirl before me. In their depths a city burns. The reds and oranges of the fire fade, like a grey screen is set between us. When I look away, everything has that same faded look, with edges that are fuzzy and seep into the background.

While my hands rub my knees, Chloe rises, brushes herself off, then goes off to help Lynn. They return shortly with sticks and a bag with the marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers.

They hand out the implements and soon everyone has a marshmallow roasting over the fire. Except Kate, she gets the crackers and chocolate bars ready. Chloe cooks her marshmallow for her.

I can’t recall the last time I had s’mores, but I’m positive they didn’t taste this good. After two, I’m done and ready to call it a night. Chloe, of course, decides to have another one along with Lynn.

Kate and I wander off to prepare for bed. She and I chat briefly in the grey world while we brush our teeth and wash our hands. I zip the tent shut behind us, then join her in changing into pajamas. In the low light, I pause to admire her. She’s so beautiful and graceful as she takes off her clothes. A little heat flares in me as I realize I’m seeing her naked for the first time.

_Was I supposed to ask first?_

She gives me a sweet smile, completely topless, as she pulls off her pants. I cough and begin untying my shoes. “Did you uh take dance lessons when you were a kid,” I ask to cover my embarrassment.

“Only square dancing,” she replies. “It was the only thing the church allowed.”

“Oh.”

I’m focused on unlacing my shoes when she places a hand on my arm. When I look over, I find her completely naked, on her knees. A bright smile lights her face and the grey cast to the world disappears. “I’m comfortable with you seeing me naked,” she says. “I… kind of like you looking.”

“Oh um.” I stammer out some nonsense. Finally, I manage to blurt out a complete sentence. “Would you like to see me naked, too?”

_Cringe, Max! Cringe!_

I think I’m literally cringing, but Kate giggles. Her lips find mine and it’s suddenly really hot in here. “Yes,” she whispers, then hesitates. “But no… sex tonight, ok? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have lead you on with the-”

“No,” I rush to reassure her. “You’re fine. I… we’re…” I take a deep breath, hold it, then let it out slowly. “In the last 24 hours,” I slowly say, “we’ve taken a step into something new and wonderful. That doesn’t mean we know everything we want and it doesn’t mean we have to have sex every day or when we see each other naked. What’s important…” I turn to face her, one boot still on and fully clothed.

“What’s important, Kate, is that you feel safe and comfortable. I love our closeness, the way you care for me and I love caring for you. I want you to be happy and enjoy the change in our relationship. When you’re ready to have sex again, let me know. We’ll take it at your pace.”

She smiles at me, that shy little smile she only shows me. “Thank you. I want you to feel safe and comfortable, too,” she whispers. She gives my cheek another kiss before she turns to slip into the sleeping bag. My eyes look at her smooth lines and curves and the way she moves. It stirs something in my chest, an appreciation for who she is and her beauty. I watch her get comfortable, wondering what she’s thinking before I resume changing.

_Last night she said being naked with someone else was naughty. Maybe she’s trying to push her boundaries; accept new ones._

I put my shoes near the tent door, then fold my clothes and place them next to Kate’s. When I turn, her bright eyes watch me and I freeze. A shy smile pulls at my heart and quells the surge of self-consciousness that bloomed when I realized she watched me undress. Despite feeling a sudden need to cover myself, I sit back and smile for her.

Kate’s gaze stays on my face a while before her eyes finally drop to look at all of me. I lean forward and crawl up the bag toward her, its surface cool and smooth beneath my hands and knees. She watches me, mouth parted and an indescribable look on her face.

When we’re face to face, I lay on her, the bag separating us. My fingers wander into her hair to play and I tenderly kiss her. “There’s nothing wrong with admiring the person you love,” I whisper into her ear. “And I love you.”

She doesn’t respond, though her cheeks are a little rosy. After another kiss, I roll off her and slide into the bag next to her. I switch off the flashlight and stretch my arm to place it above the pillow. Arms wrap around me and a face presses against my chest.

Warm breath washes over my bare skin. Heat flares in my chest from her nearness and kisses. I half expect the kisses to descend to my breasts and part of me wants that. I gently push that thought aside and focus on the way she trembles in my arms.

“Thank you,” she says, a slight quaver to her voice.

“For?”

“For helping me last night. For helping me now.”

My hand curls into her hair before it slides to the middle of her back. She shudders and pulls away from the touch, pressing into me. A little giggle escapes her. “Sorry,” she breathes. “That tickled.”

“You’re beautiful, you know that?”

Silence.

“The way you care for our family and others. The kind heart you have. You help bind us together. The way you look. Your breasts. I love your hair when you have it up. I love the shape of you, the feel of you.”

Skin prickles into little bumps as my fingers continue to caress her. “Your body, the way you look, those are special to me, because they’re yours.”

Skin touches my chest as she leans her forehead against me. “Thank you,” she says. “You’re pretty, too.”

The zipper on the tent interrupts anything else she might say. I cover my eyes as Chloe’s flashlight bathes us in bright light. “Sorry, ladies,” she says and swings it away while she closes the tent.

“Thank you,” I whisper to Kate. She snuggles even closer to me.

There’s a lot of sound, cloth scraping and rubbing, as Chloe presumably changes into her pajamas. Kate and I scoot deeper into the sleeping bag to keep the light out of our eyes. There’s a period of silence followed by more sounds. Finally, the light goes out and Chloe slips into the bag with us.

“Oh,” I say when warm skin, soft breasts, and metal piercings press against my back.

“I saw your jammies and underwear folded by the door,” Chloe says. “Ain’t no way I’m going to be the only clothed person in this bag again. Now, what are we doing?”

“Talking and cuddling,” Kate says. “Though, I’m rather sleepy. It’s been a long day.”

“And you’re still tired from last night.”

Kate doesn’t respond to Chloe’s teasing.

It’s a little different being in the sleeping bag naked with my girlfriends. For one thing, it’s warmer. For another, I notice how my skin tingles everywhere we touch. Finally, the good emotions they fill me with seem stronger, more genuine.

Legs tuck into mine from front and behind. Kate doesn’t have my shirt to hold, and after a few attempts to find a place for her hand, she finally settles it on my hip. With arms holding each other in a comforting embrace, sleep takes me.

* * *

Night surrounds us, probably early morning based upon the chill of the air. The tent arches overhead, hiding the stars and sky. My girlfriends are snugged against me, asleep and cozy in their dreams.

Over the last two days I have cast aside the restraints that protected me. Sure, my reasons made a kind of sense: to no longer walk this life alone. But it doesn’t matter, because neither Kate nor Chloe can walk this with me. The haze has lifted to show me the clear path it hid.

It calls to me with its accusatory voice, like it always does. Five months ago, I stood in its presence, and ran away again. It won’t stop until I do something.

Careful not to disturb my girlfriends, I slip from the sleeping bag. Immediately, my body tells me it’s not happy that I left their warm embrace. With shaking hands and clattering teeth, I dress myself in the stillness of time. It’s better that I not disturb them. If our patterns hold true, Kate will join me in a few minutes anyway.

It’s only when I’m well away from the tent that I return to regular time. The stars are bright overhead. Their twinkles hint at possibilities and challenges unfulfilled. To normal eyes, they are a glimpse into the universe and nothing more. I see the facade that they are, hiding the monster I created.

The call of release sets its hooks in my heart and pulls. I close my eyes to listen. Its pull is relentless, calling to me across the void. I know its allure is dangerous, but it speaks truth and I can no longer hide from it.

And it hurts so much right now. Five months I delayed. Five months where I lived life in a daze under the mistaken belief that things would get better. As long as that thing exists though, I won’t be free of it. And it will devour reality after reality until it is stopped.

_What will happen if I don’t do something and die as an old lady? Will… everything cease to exist?_

That thought fills my heart with such deep sadness that I immediately cast the thought aside. The front of my jacket is clutched so tight in my hand that my knuckles ache. With a breath, and effort, I force them to relax.

Only for my heart to go to what truly holds me here, what really weighs upon my mind. It’s not the ruins of Arcadia Bay, though I see them even now. It’s not the constant reviling of its dead citizens that currently holds my heart in a vice.

I bunch my shoulders around my ears, curling inward as my heart pulls me down. It forces me to my knees and steals my breath.

And that’s where they find me a moment later. Just as my heart wants to crush me to the ground, a hand touches my shoulder.

“Max,” comes Kate’s tremulous voice. All I can do is whimper. The reality of my burden has stolen my voice, my words.

The ground seems to shift as someone kneels next to me. Gentle hands extract mine from the dirt where I’ve thrust them. An arm descends upon my shoulders, light and comforting, and draws me close.

I want to speak, to tell them. But I can’t. They deserve to know so they can continue on. But my words are gone.

Chloe places a hand on my knee as she supports me with her arm. “Do you have to say goodbye, Max,” she asks as plain as day.

Ruined buildings and crowds of clamoring people drown her out. The nightmare I live with doesn’t even want me to have a moment with those I love. Which makes sense in a way, didn’t I deprive them of the same?

“M-Max, what is this,” Kate asks nervously.

“Fuck,” explodes from Chloe and her grip on me falters, but doesn’t leave me.

“You… see it,” I ask, my voice barely a whisper above the people who demand my soul.

Chloe pulls me to her and Kate folds her arms around both of us. She shivers next to me as her head buries itself in my neck. “If you mean dead people hating you and what looks like the ruins of Arcadia Bay, yeah I see them.”

“Is this what you’ve lived with,” Kate asks, her voice sending vibrations through me.

“For five… six years now. It’s become worse in the last five months. I’m sorry you have to see it.”

“Sorry?” Both Chloe and Kate whirl on me. “Why didn’t you tell us sooner,” Chloe demands.

“I tried,” I say. “I guess not hard enough.”

Kate’s hands slip along my cheeks to hold them. “No,” she says. “You did tell us.” She gives Chloe a brief look I can’t read. “We didn’t understand, or at least I didn’t. I… I think I do now. H-How can I help you with this?”

Her look breaks my heart even further, with her sad eyes and leaning head. Fire burns in my cheeks from her touch, but not the fire of love and passion. She’s such a good person and I am not. The ever growing crowds around us are testament to that.

“I… have to go,” I say, ignoring her question for the moment. I look at Chloe, who’s a little standoffish. “And where I go, you can’t follow or come with me.”

“Why not,” Chloe asks brusquely.

“I…” I really don’t have any good reasons, other than I’ll fear for them. Let alone, I don’t even know if I could bring them.

“Where do you have to go,” Kate gently prods. Her hands now hold mine, a gentle pressure to connect me to this world.

“I have to keep the promise I made so long ago. Return to the original Arcadia Bay and… save everyone.”

“I don’t like the thought of you going alone.” Chloe draws nearer as she asks that, her shoulders and body relaxed. “Take Kate with you. You need someone to keep you safe.”

“How can I keep Max safe?”

After she slips an arm around Kate, Chloe looks at me and says, “It’s her heart. If she goes alone, she’ll be overwhelmed.”

“How-”

“Because you’re overwhelmed here, Max! If you go by yourself, with no one to support you with this constantly pulling you apart-” she waves at the surging crowds around us with their accusations “-I’m afraid it will end you.”

She steps close, into my space and gently brushes fingertips along my cheek. Her fingers in my hair, feel both right and wrong. “I’ve lost you too many times,” she says, her eyes bright in the night as she gazes at me with a soft tenderness. “I don’t want to lose you again.”

“Then you should go with her,” Kate says, joining us in our closeness. Her hand slides along Chloe’s arm to rest on her shoulder. “Lynn and I…” she squeezes her eyes shut.

I’m tearing our family apart, much as I’m being torn apart. With a strangled cry, I step away from them, hand over my mouth. “No,” I say shaking my head. “I… I can’t take either of you. Y-you’re asking me to tear apart our family! I don’t know how long I’ll be gone or if I can even return! The Max… who belongs here… she’ll come back when I fix things!”

Chloe looks away, her jaw set firmly. “Can’t you… rewind once you’re done so time passes,” Kate asks.

“That… might undo everything.”

“Fucking time travel,” Chloe hisses into the night.

“Listen-”

“You’re gonna fucking leave us and never come back!”

My heart drops at Chloe’s words and Kate gasps. After a moment to make sure I’m calm, I step up to Chloe, into her space and touch her hand. “Listen,” I whisper. Her eyes stay fixed on the night sky beyond us. I drop my head and look at the ground, foot scuffing a circle as I try to find the words to say.

Arms suddenly wrap around me and I’m crushed into Chloe. “Fuck this,” she chokes. “I… don’t want you to live like this anymore but I’m so scared, Max. So scared for you… for us.”

I push my head up so I can look at her. Starlight glitters on her face. “I don’t want to live like this either,” I whisper. “You and Kate? You’re my everything… and I have nothing anymore. Both of you gave me so much and I love you both. I have to keep my promise, I have to… fix everything. If I don’t… you won’t have a Max anymore. I’m… breaking apart bit by bit. I tried… I really tried.”

With difficulty, I free my hand so I can touch her cheek. “This weekend is the best gift you could have given me. You love me and each other so much… you deserve a Max that can do the same. Right now, that’s not me.”

“And when you fix everything… will you come here, will there be a different Max, or no Max at all?”

“I don’t know the answer to that. There’s so much wish I knew. You and Kate together, though? That’s something I know about. You two brought me here.” I look at Kate and beckon her. She timidly steps closer. I grab her hand and pull her tight against us.

“Months ago I lost my hold on reality and found myself in a place of non-existence-”

“That void place with all the splinters of reality,” Chloe says. I nod.

“It was you two who helped me regain a sense of myself. I… felt you, your love and care and connection and it drew me here. The same happened when Rachel reactivated my abilities and I bounced through realities again. You give me what I need to go on, to stay focused and grounded. I know…”

I stop talking and for the moment just let myself be with them, among them. Kate’s arm slips around me and she rests her head against mine.

“I know,” I continue with a strangled voice. “That with you here, together, I can do what I need to. And after…? I don’t know. I know what my heart wants, but my mind tells me other things.”

“What does your heart want,” Chloe asks.

“To be with you, you and Kate. To live our lives together as a family. To celebrate our successes and support each other through our losses. To love you the way you both deserve.”

Chloe’s arm pulls free of us only to wrap Kate into our embrace. She kisses Kate’s forehead then mine. Her sudden openness with affection is almost startling, she’s usually more reserved in these kinds of settings. “You better fucking come back,” she chokes as her arms tighten on us.

“When we’re together again,” I say, “I’d like us to be the family we began building.”

“What do you mean,” Kate asks.

I look at her, uncertain whether now is the right time to say it. “She means girlfriends, lovers,” Chloe says. “Do more in bed together than sleep.”

“Oh,” Kate breathes and she looks at me then Chloe. It’s too dark to see her well, but I think she’s looking at Chloe much the same way I do.

“You… don’t need to wait for me to start,” I say hesitantly.

“What?” They both exclaim.

With my cheeks beginning to burn, I reply, “You love each other. I love you. I… am comfortable if you love each other the way…” _Damn, how do I say this without sounding so awkward?_

Chloe comes to my rescue, sort of. “You’re saying you’re ok if we fuck each other while you’re gone?”

“Not exactly in those words,” I wince as Kate gasps. “But yes.”

Neither of them speaks for a while after that. There’s a tension in the air that presses on me. It almost makes me forget the constant torment around us. Almost.

“Ok,” Kate says, surprising both Chloe and I who look at her quickly. “I… feel the same about you, Chloe, that I feel about Max. It’s scary and… I have my… problems…” Her words die, but Chloe’s don’t.

With an unexpected tenderness, Chloe leans her head against Kate’s. “You are amazing… Kitty. I love you.” Before Kate can do anything, Chloe chastely kisses her. It’s brief and sends a warmth through me that I’m sure matches what burns in Kate.

They part with a sigh from Kate.

And that’s my sign to leave. If I stay any longer their love will wrap around and weaken what resolve I have. While they’re focused on each other, I slip from the embrace.

“Already,” Chloe says, catching my hand in hers. “Not even a goodbye… kiss?”

“I…” The words remind me of choosing to save the Bay. We stood on the bluff and shared our first real kiss. Long, sweet, soft, warm, it hurt more than a kiss ever should.

She slips her hands around my cheeks and we move together. The kiss is warm like that first one, but very different. She’s pouring something into me, a sense of self and love that fills me. We part and a steadiness strengthens the resolve that was slipping.

Then Kate is there, slipping her arms around me, hands moving up my back. We move into a kiss that builds a desire for more. Like Chloe, she’s pouring herself into me in a way I cannot fathom. Her hands roam, feeling me, leaving behind fragments of self that I can’t understand.

We gaze at each other, hand in hand in hand, a small circle of friends, of lovers. Maybe this is what our weekend was really about, building to this moment. For the first time in forever, I feel like I can actually accomplish what I need to.

Wreathed in scents of sunshine, campfire smoke, happiness, grease, and family, I step from our circle. Before I slip into the space between realities, I look at them one last time. “I love you.”

* * *

That sense of purpose and self and love and goodness crashes into hard truth. Reality mocks my worst nightmares. For years I ran from my legacy and I thought I knew what it was: a ruined town and dead people that haunted my life, both waking and sleeping. My doppelgänger fiendishly tormented me with it; used it to trick and cajole me. It wore me down and pummeled my heart until I couldn’t function.

Yet, I am not prepared for what I find.

Sunlight plays across a fragmented landscape that drifts lazily before me. There’s an eerie absence of sound and air and life that stills my heart. Trees, rocks, bits of concrete, shattered boards and more turn slowly in the silence. What was Arcadia Bay is now strewn across untold miles, with a debris trail wider than the town was.

It’s the bodies that disturb me the most. Suspended in grotesque, unnatural positions they slowly move across the view. Faces locked in whatever expression they had when they died, just the sight of them sends a cold pain through me.

The bay is gone, completely. No water, no boats, no pier, nothing. Where it stood is the vast emptiness of space.

The earth is shattered and I am its destroyer.


	38. Fragments

Fragments of reality… no fragments of stone and earth spin in front of me. Shattered pieces of unrecognizable land held in loose proximity by what? Gravity? How can that exist? Except it seems that and rotation are still a thing for the stars move overhead. There is no blue sky above nor green grass below.

I stand upon a tilted chunk of land surveying the results of my existence and I am crushed beyond recognition. It’s no wonder I hid this deep inside and far away from my conscious mind.

_How many people lived on Earth when it died? 7… 8 billion?_

I don’t even know where to begin. This isn’t like bringing Jess, or Chloe, or even Rachel back to life, back to reality. An entire planet, destroyed.

Minutes ago, when I stood with Kate and Chloe I feared the pain and sorrow and guilt and self-loathing that would engulf me. Now that I stand in the shadow of my destruction, it’s worse than I could have ever imagined. The universe rests upon my soul, crushing me like I crushed the Earth.

_How could I ever fix this? I’m so stupid, thinking I could do something here._

What little comfort and hope and love I felt in the arms and company of Kate and Chloe are stolen from me. And it’s only right. How could I ever be fit to have such good things when I destroyed so many? Children. Adults. Animals. The innocent and guilty alike I damned without their say so.

The guilt and self-hatred threaten to drown me as they plunge my mind into a never ending spin of hateful thoughts. It drives me to my knees. The fear I’ll could do this again knocks me to my hands. The pale, dead earth underneath me pulses from my frantic breathing. It vibrates from the cries I want to voice, but can’t because of the loathing that has wrapped my throat in a vise.

_I don’t even have a right to exist after what I did._

And maybe that’s why I welcomed the fog of forgetfulness at the beginning.

_Better that I am forgotten than all those I damned._

I force my head up and look at the shattered remains around me.

_Look, damn you! Look at what you did and remember that no matter how good you think you are, you can never rise above this!_

Bodies tumble past, caught in their final moments for all eternity. I make myself look at each one to remember them. They sear into my mind, their faces twisted in horror and fear and terror and there are so many of them!

_Give a face to the people I’ve wronged so when they torment me in my dreams I know where they came from._

Though my heart quakes in me and seems to want to explode from my chest, I force myself to look. And when all my strength is gone and I’m left in a heap on the cold ground, they dance within my mind. An endless parade of my victims who clamor for my death.

Above me, buildings spin slowly past. Trees and cars and other debris orbit the larger buildings and chunks of planet. I am hollowed out by the truth and left with nothing. The view above tries to bring feelings to life in me, but they bounce around my emptiness and disappear.

_Maybe She was right, maybe I am just… death. All that I touch… even my beloved Kate and Chloe suffered great harm because of me…_

That strange energy I absorbed underneath Blackwell courses through me. I’ve ignored it the last few months, but I had the notion I could use it here to fix things. A flawed assumption that laughs at my absurd belief.

_Save everyone…_

The thought echoes in my mind and I cringe. Such foolish hope. What an empty promise. Where would I even begin? How do I restore an entire planet filled with life? I grit my teeth and squeeze my eyes shut as crushing anger and hate and guilt overwhelm my numbness. It’s only for a moment, but that’s all it takes. The emptiness consumes them, but not the thoughts they create.

_Worthless. Useless. How could I even consider tainting Chloe and Kate with my love, with my touch?_

All sorts of debris drifts before my eyes, but my mind is too numb to accept what it sees. Bodies afloat in the vastness of space. Buildings I’ve seen in my nightmares, now spinning upon their own axis, as they revolve around a place I once knew. A place I destroyed. They eat my mind.

I struggle to understand the enormity of the devestation. Plants, animals, humans, all gone. Billions of lives snuffed out. And in the shards of reality that facture from me, billions more spring into existence only to be squashed in the next instance.

_Why should I even attempt to understand that? The only thing I need to understand is I should never have been saved, never have been given this power._

Unbidden, a scene opens in my mind. Kate, Chloe, and myself in a motel bed. A tangle of arms and legs and warm blankets as we lay in comfort. A snort from Lynn as she jokingly mocks our intimate talk. It stabs my heart and twists cruelly.

Another scene of Max and Victoria, then a dead Max and Chloe. More and more scenes explode in my mind. All possibilities, all realities, some that I remember, most that I don’t. Each are variations of the one I ended. They have one thing in common which pulls me in a different direction.

_I may be broken and flawed and worthless, but they aren’t. They’ve had to live with the torment I unleashed upon them. The least I could do is raise them up._

With a final look at the shattered remains of Earth, I stand and slip into the streams beyond reality.

* * *

Rain pounds loudly against the sheltered walkway, a steady staccato beat on the metal roof. The wind blows the drops through the wide opening, drenching the textured concrete. Little streams form along its surface, running to the edge where they pool and cascade to the ground as tiny waterfalls.

I walk across the treacherous surface, hoodie pulled tight against the dampness. At least the wind is warm. The dingy lights overhead do a poor job of helping me as they flicker and whine. Ahead is my destination, room 225. I pause to collect my thoughts before I knock.

Rap! Rap! Rap!

Beyond the door and rain and thunder I heard a voice raised in question, then silence. The storm-filled silence lengthens as I imagine one of the occupants rising from a bed to come peer through the peephole. The dim light and my hood will prevent them from getting a good look and I debate flipping it back.

A chain scrapes a wall and tumblers move as the door swings open. Lynn, with bedraggled hair to her shoulders and damp pajamas looks at me. Beyond her, in a room that smells of age and broken dreams, I see them reclined on the bed, their heads turned in my direction.

“Where’s the pizza,” Lynn asks. Then she shouts in alarm as I push past her into the stuffy room. She grabs my arm with a curse and moves to shove me out of the room.

“Wait,” I shout and flip my hood back.

The rain and wind boom in the silence I create. From behind me, water pounds the cement as it streams from the sky and the walkway. Something bangs, an inconsistent rhythm created by the wind and loose siding, reverberating through the building.

Kate, Chloe, and Max lay in a comfortable pile on the bed, eyes frozen on me. “What. The. Fuck,” Chloe whispers as she rises from the bed. Her sleep clothes do little to hide her as she steps from the bed toward me.

“Close the door please, Lynn,” I whisper. The lock snicks into place as Chloe stops in front of me. Her head swings to look at the bed then back to me.

The other Max slips from the bed, her eyes wide and face pale. She clings to Chloe’s arm, partially behind her. “Y-you’re here,” she breathes. “W-what do you want?”

With a glance at Lynn, I seat myself on the corner of her bed. “To talk,” I say. “Who do you think I am?”

They look at me, Kate now at their side. “Is she the one you told us about,” Kate asks the other Max.

_Other one? Told them about?_

The other Max nods and Kate steps in front of me with balled fists. “If you’re here to hurt her again,” she steams, “you’ll have to deal with me, first!”

_Whoa!_

I hold up my hands and lean back. “Hold on! I’m not here to hurt anyone.”

“We’ll see about that,” Kate growls as she looms over me. This is not going any way that I anticipated. I try to go through my memories of this reality for a clue but nothing comes to mind. Chloe gently pulls Kate away from me.

“Why are you here, then,” Chloe demands.

I slip into a cross-legged position and look at my hands. “I’m here to help,” I say. The ancient blanket on the bed has so many bumps and knobs of thread to occupy my fingers. They easily busy themselves exploring the surface. “I can give Max what she lost.”

“My m-memories,” she stammers.

“And more.”

“Who are you,” Chloe demands.

“She’s… the… main one,” Lynn says airily.

I give her a sharp look. “Are you talking… to yourselves.”

She nods and leans against the wall. “I… uh… yes.”

“What do you mean,” Chloe demands.

With a sigh, I urge all of them to have a seat. With incredulous expressions, Kate, Chloe, and Max return to their bed. It’s obvious I interrupted their evening snuggle time. Now, they sit at attention, with Max in the middle, protected. Lynn moves from the wall to a wobbly chair and table that looks like it will collapse from the clothes piled on it.

I look at the three snugged on the bed. Kate and Chloe hold Max between them. _Their Max._ It’s so wholesome and beautiful my heart swells. A moment later, it’s deservedly crushed by the pain I see in Kate’s eyes, by the absence of others. Their lives have been irrevocably changed and though it brought them together, that doesn’t begin to heal the destruction I wrought.

Before I can begin, there’s a knock at the door. “That better be the pizza,” Chloe mutters as Lynn answers. Sure enough, it’s the pizza delivery. Kate clears off the table for the boxes and bottles of soda and soon all four dig in. Max looks at me as the others seat themselves.

“Would you like some,” she asks timidly. With a shrug, I nod and rise to claim a slice.

Around the cheesy goodness, I tell them my story. Well, an abbreviated version of it that doesn’t mention Lynn’s role. I can tell that’s for her to share. Max’s eyes stay on me, wide and unblinking, the entire time. I remember the days when I was her, living a simple life at college. How I wish I could return to that time where I was so deep into denial that everything was blocked.

_Except it wasn’t denial. Not totally._

“So…,” Chloe begins slowly once I finish. “We’re in a splinter universe that formed when you destroyed… your Earth?” I nod. “And when that happened it also like… merged you with spacetime and scattered you across all those splinter Universes?” Another nod. “And you lived… as… our Max?” Her arm tightens on Max as she says that, who snuggles closer to her.

“Yeah,” I breathe and look at my grease-stained plate. “Right up to the point where I stole Ethel’s car and we were found by… Doctor Smith.”

“Who was really J-fucker-son?”

Nod.

“Where was I while this happened,” Max asks in a small voice.

“That’s one of the parts I don’t understand. You were there, but not there. Plus there was another… entity involved. It’s rather confusing.”

“How do we know you’re not that entity then,” Chloe demands. She edges in front of her Max.

I glance at Lynn before saying, “You don’t. When we split she retained the ability to look as me. I don’t know if that was temporary or permanent. Really, I don’t know anything about her.”

We lapse into silence and I study the blanket I sit on. It’s a strange blanket and seems older than all of us combined. “What did you mean earlier,” Max says, “when you asked Lynn if she was talking to herself?”

“I… uh… I have a power too,” Lynn whispers. “I can see the future sometimes and… talk to the Lynn’s in other realities.”

“In all of them,” I whisper, “she was trying to get me to Arcadia Bay to… bring back Rachel.” I look at Kate. Her eyes are fixed on her sister, but unreadable.

“What are you here to do,” Chloe asks.

My fingers move from the blanket to my toes. “Like I said, to give Max what she lost.”

“Why,” Kate asks.

“Why wouldn’t I? I lived as her for months or years. I know what she yearns for, because I yearned for them. She…” I turn my head away, unable to continue, unable to voice the words that I must. A shudder sweeps me into a place that threatens to trap me. Fingers touch my shoulder, preventing that loss.

I look up to see Kate with arm outreached. She’s not my Kate. I know that now. There’s a uniqueness about her that this Kate lacks. But I can’t deny the similarities as the shuddering subsides. “I broke her,” I breathe, “just as I broke all of you.

“How can I save everyone if I’m not saving myself, if I’m not saving you? That’s why I’m here.”

“Ok,” Max says hoarsely, “what do I need to do?”

* * *

Broken rock and landmasses tumble in the strange collection around the sun. From my vantage point, I look at their remains. It might be my imagination, but it seems one of the large masses has stabilized.

Part of the recent experience plays again in my mind. When Max regained her memories she was so excited and sad. The lost years where I was her, and the time before that, were suddenly clear to her. Good memories flowed from her as she retold things from years ago that were as new to her. The memories weren’t all happy though. She cried again over a destruction I caused: the death of Arcadia Bay and Kate’s family. Those memories were mixed with relief though. She finally knew the nightmares she had of Max Effect weren’t real. Well, not real for her.

For a moment, when her face lit up with joy, the hollowness fled. Her joy radiated through me as if something missing was found, an injury healed. The weight on my heart lifted and I could think clearly. It was only for a moment though. There is so much more to do before that hollowness is gone, if that’s even possible.

I started with forgetful Max, because she is my earliest memory after… Well… During that moment, when Max was happy and knew who she is, my heart was buoyed by hope. My plan seems possible. I give the shattered scene one last look before I leave.

* * *

The couple walks down the street, the brunette with her head on the others shoulder. Clear laughter rings out as one of the pair tells a joke or says something funny. They pause a moment, turn, and look into each others eyes. The blonde places her hands on the brunette’s waist and they tenderly kiss.

There is a hesitation in what they do, but also an urgency. It’s in the way they step into the kiss, as if they are afraid of what they’ll find. The kiss itself is passionate with arms that slide around shoulders and waists to hold tightly.

But most of all, it’s with the rigidity they each have as they walk, as they hold each other. Backs and limbs stiff and steps slow, they move like incongruent pieces stuck together.

It’s been five months for me, and I don’t know how long for them. Time doesn’t seem the constant that I was always taught, at least not after what happened.

They approach a restaurant with outdoor seating and find a table with just the right mixture of sun and shade. A waitress hurries over with the menus.

I know the reason for their behavior, for their close distance with each other. Fingers rub absently at the inside of my right wrist. One of these days I expect to find a scar there, a memorial to here.

Once the waitress leaves, I approach the table, with sunglasses on. Neither of them look up at me when I stop. “Is this seat taken,” I whisper, one hand on the third chair at the table.

Victoria looks at me, her brow slightly lowered. “There are plenty of other tables to bother,” she says coldly, “go somewhere else.”

“No,” I say and pull the chair out. “This is the right table.”

Max looks at me and sets her menu down. “Fuck off,” she hisses. “Let my wife and I enjoy our dinner.” Victoria gives her a warm smile and a knot forms in my stomach.

I take off my sunglasses and both gasp. “No,” I whisper. “This is the right table.”

Silence descends upon us like a stone. Both Victoria and Max stare at me, their menus forgotten.

“Will you be joining them, ma’am,” the waitress asks.

“Yes, I’ll be joining them. Water to drink, please.”

The waitress sets a menu in front of me. While she hurries off to get my water, I pick up the menu and pretend to look at it. What I’m really doing is hiding my eyes from both of them. There was something about their marriage that really resonated with me. It cuts me to my heart.

_Kate… Chloe…_

A dazzling smile filled with sunshine and happiness sings to me. Next to her, a blue-haired rebel elbows her and makes a crude joke about what she saw on TV. One of many memories I was barely present for during my months of numbness.

“Why do you look like my wife and what do you want,” Vic demands.

I practice a few breathing exercises to compose myself. Slowly, I place the menu on the table. The cover is plain with a few simple artistic marks around the restaurant name. With my finger, I trace the marks. I follow the tracing with my eyes. “I look like your wife,” I slowly say, “because she and I are… kind of the same person.”

“How can that be,” Max asks.

The finger tracing the art wants to touch Vic. Instead, I move it to the spine of the menu to feel the seam. “Do you remember… some time ago, we were driving in the car and I had an episode?” My eyes flick to Vic’s then back to the menu. “You guided me through one of my grounding exercises and I told you… I told you that I was leaping through realities. Then I told you about-” The waitress sets the glass of water in front of me.

“Are you ladies ready to order,” she asks.

“Give us a few more minutes,” Vic says all business-like. I take a sip of the water.

Once the waitress is gone, I continue. “I told you about my ability to control time. I told you about what really happened that week in October. And you… you told me something beautiful. I… expected you to reject me which I feared, because…” I shift my eyes to Max. “If you rejected me, then Max, your Max, wouldn’t have the support she’d need. Instead… all you said was ‘how can I help you?’”

“Ok,” Vic deadpanned. “You… know about that. That doesn’t answer my questions.”

“It does,” I breathe after another sip of water. “Because your wife, your Max, is a copy of me. I’m the one from another reality, the one who bounced into your wife’s head. I’m the reason she suffered that relapse, the reason for her nightmares.”

Max’s fingers rub her right wrist at my words and I look away. “You haven’t had an episode since then, have you?” No cars pass by on the street, though a few people walk along the sidewalk. Tall, slender evergreen trees spear the sky from concrete planters along the edges of the seating area.

“N-no, I haven’t.”

“Tell me,” I whisper, my eyes fixed on one of the trees. “What is it you fear?”

* * *

It doesn’t get easy and it doesn’t get difficult, it’s simply exhausting. I travel the endless fractures of reality, visiting Earths without end. In each, I search for myself, for the girl who was me, for the woman who became someone else.

With each, I offer what I can to heal her, help her. Those where I have the clearest memories seem the simplest. The realities that are new or blur with all the rest are the most challenging. They don’t know me and I don’t know them. Not all have a pain so evident, so raw. To gain their trust takes time, which it seems I have plenty of now.

When I remember, when I can, I return to my broken Earth. Its corpse continues to circle its sun, a decaying planet whose gravity will give out soon I am sure. Each time it rips open my own wound and makes me wonder how long I can continue doing this.

_Will I ever be healed?_

_Can I truly save everyone?_

Usually in those times of need, I feel her presence, warm and caring. The notes of sunshine and weed and honey and grease waft along the air to me. At first, I would kneel, staring at the ruins of my heart, and I’d feel only her arms around me. Lately, I can feel both of them.

Sometimes, their touch is too much.

I don’t deserve them.

They deserve better than me.

* * *

The light by the door flickers in the darkness. It’s not long for this world as it buzzes and blinks. Around me, Portland is alive though night has fallen. The sidewalk is damp from a recent shower, but already fading in the late summer heat.

I step up to the door, my insides all tied up. I don’t know how much time has passed here.

_Has it been too long? I shouldn’t have come._

But, no, Chloe’s car is at the curb. She at least sill lives here. The doorbell button is rough and brittle under my finger. The moment it sounds, someone, Lynn maybe, shouts, “Someone’s at the door!”

With fingers picking at the cuffs of my hoodie, I step away from the door. The weak light of the dim bulb barely reaches a few feet from the house, casting me into shadow. I kind of want them to not see me when they open the door.

_I shouldn’t be here. If they don’t see me…_

The door opens with a suddenness that makes me step back. A lithe frame clothed with a loose shirt over tight jeans leans out of the entrance. Shoulder length hair, with streaks of color, falls around her face as her head turns this way and that.

She steps onto the porch, muttering words I can’t hear. “Who is it,” cries someone in the house. It must be Lynn, because I’d recognize Kate’s voice.

“Don-,” Chloe begins to answer, then cuts herself off as her eyes find me in the darkness. She steps towards me and I want to fly away but I also want to run to her! Unable to do either, I stand and wait, head down and fingers clenched tight. It takes everything I have to stay here and not shatter into a million pieces like my Earth.

A hand touches my shoulder and I flinch. The hollowness consumes me.

_She shouldn’t touch me! I don’t deserve it._

Her touch is pain and healing and I can’t make myself look at her. “Max,” she whispers, “welcome back.” I feel her at my side as her arm slips around my shoulders. “We missed you.”

I yearned for this so much! Now that I’m here, I know that I’m not worthy, not allowed. While I was gone, I helped so many people: Max’s and Chloe’s and Kate’s and more. The supply seems endless and it weighs me down, pulls my hope from me and stomps on it.

_Maxes and Kates and Chloes that need help because I fucked them all!_

Whether she knows that or not, she gently guides me to the house and closes the door behind us. I feel her next to me in ways I don’t understand: the beat of her heart, the warmth of her body, the restrained joy, her breath laced with her scents and that of dinner.

Then another pair of arms encircles us. Kate whispers my name, our names, and I finally let myself look at them. Blue and hazel eyes glitter in the light of the house over smiles that both hurt and heal.

I came here for healing, for strength, but I always carry my legacy. An all-consuming hole that I fear will never be healed.

* * *

How I long for it to be enough, for this one act to be what finally heals me.

Through the broken streets, across debris that should have been cleared long ago, I stride. I am in Arcadia Bay. Again. Only it’s not mine, it’s hers. The thought grips my heart tight and I have to stop, close my eyes, and breathe.

Of all the realities I visited, this one stuck with me the most. I hope that I’m able to bring a peace or joy or something to this place. After a few minutes of mindfulness, I find myself able to continue.

Grey clouds hang low and a chill wind blows from the bay. I pause and look toward the horizon. A tall fence separates this area from town. Voices, engines, honks, and other sounds of a living town float to me on the breeze. The fence separates the living from the dead.

And among the dead is where my heart leads me.

Blackwell rises, a broken body amidst the forest that has reclaimed the land. In the parking lot, or what remains of it, I stop.

_Why would she stay here? Is Lynn still with her?_

A couple of cars coated in rust, broken and dented, rest on their rims at the far end of the lot. The handicap signs are gone, only their poles remain. I take the stairs up and stop again.

What used to be a tree-lined walk to the dorm building is now a mess. Most of the trees are broken, some completely uprooted with great chunks of earth lifted by their fall. Ferns and saplings and other plants have taken over the walk.

Movement catches my eye and I look across the front of the school.

She walks towards the fountain, hands in her pockets and head tilted as if listening to someone. Only, she walks alone. Blonde hair is swept back in a ponytail. At the fountain, she stops and pulls her hands from her pockets, gesturing at the pedestal which once held a statue. Even at this distance I can hear her voice, though not the words.

As careful as I can, I walk toward her. Before I go ten feet, she looks at me and I stop. She glances to the side, then at me. Before I can say or do anything, she turns and hurries away. There is a hint of presence near where she stood, then that too is gone. With a sigh, I hurry after her.

I find her eventually, in one of the dorm rooms that is livable. And living here is definitely what she’s been doing.

She sits on the bed, elbows on knees and staring at the floor.

“What the fuck do you want,” she says when I stop in the doorway.

“Chloe,” I begin but she looks at me with eyes that could pull the universe apart.

“What do you want!” Her scream makes me step back. Hands clench my shirt. She rises from the bed to loom in the doorway, her accusatory eyes pinning me to the wall.

“You go away, then show up to take a bullet for me,” she hisses. “Only to… fucking haunt me! For five fucking years! Then you disappear again only to show up today? What the fuck do you want!”

Her arms gesture in all directions as the words shoot me where I stand. She’s in my space, breath washing over me as she pants in her anger. “I…” Her reaction is not what I expected and I don’t know what to do or say.

“You… what?” She looks to the side, lip curled, but I see the strain in her face. She’s being brash, aggressive, because she doesn’t want to be hurt again.

“You’re right,” I say. “And I’m sorry. I didn’t want to go and I didn’t want to hurt you. That’s never what I wanted.”

“Then why did you?”

I force my hands, then my arms, to loosen. The answers I have won’t work here. There is too much I don’t know, like why her Max disappeared. Before I can muster words to give, she turns and walks back to her bed. With a heavy sound, she sits on it, elbows on knees, and stares at the floor.

_Maybe her Max is back too. I wonder if…_

With a thought, I am in the essence of the world. Through the patterns of reality, I see my ghostly twin.

_How do I…?_

* * *

It is my way. Save a few Maxes and Chloes and Kates and others, then come remind myself of why I do it. Near the beginning of this journey I did more than observe.

In the early twilight, their house looks like any other. The lawn might need mowed, the car at the curb has seen better days. The porch light is fixed though.

When I left on my pilgrimage, I thought I was doing it to save the untold billions of people whose realities spin to oblivion. The destruction of my world left me in ruins. And despite everything I’ve done, the damage to my heart remains. Perhaps it will always be there to remind me.

Early on, I’d return to where it started and watch the fragments of a dead Earth. A form of penance maybe, to watch the corpse of what used to be, what had such potential. I still go there, occasionally. It hurts so much when I do that I question continuing my mission.

That’s why I come here. Sometimes I make them aware of my presence, not physically, often with a memory that brings them happiness. That brings another type of pain: the pain of leaving. Their joy fills the house beyond capacity and seeks to pull me in, to keep me. The last time, it was like I was ruined all over again. Their sweet love left behind while I try to repair the damage I’ve done to the Universe.

So, I stand in the shadows across the street and immerse myself in the world. It’s better this way. From here, I can reassure myself of their safety and taste the comfort of home. The pang of leaving is reduced when I do this.

Besides, the joy and happiness and love they bear are wasted on me. A goddess of hurt and loss should have no one. Better they focus on themselves and building a family together. I bring only destruction and ruin.

The house itself echoes of their love and care, of family. The little decorations that Kate loves, the love notes she leaves for Chloe, the different things Chloe built for both of them, these things and more transform the house from an assemblage of wood, plastic, and metal into more than a house, into a home.

Only, as I slip into its essence to better feel them, something doesn’t seem right. People are home. One sits at the kitchen table. Another lays on the floor of the living room, which is a mess. It seems right, but feels wrong. An emptiness gnaws at the love that fills the house, sapping its strength.

With a snap, I return to the regular flow of time. After a quick glance for traffic, I hurry across the street. At the door, I stop, heart pounding, and glance quickly around. When I try the door, I find its locked. I raise my hand and knock.

The faint sounds of voices stop. The wood of the door is rough beneath my fingers as I press a hand against it. I could just slip into the world essence and reappear on the other side. That doesn’t feel right though. When it seems like minutes pass and no one comes, I again raise my hand.

_Knock!_

_Knock!_

_Knock!_

Footsteps sound in the house and I step away from the door. The rough cloth of my hoodie’s hem slips between my fingers. Something presses against me, an uncertainty from the oddity of circumstance maybe. I look to the side at the row of flowers someone planted between the lawn and the house.

The door opens.


	39. A Night With You

“And when you’re done filing this,” Mrs. Esterbury said, “then I need you to check on Ms. Wilson’s rental status.”

Kate accepted the stack of folders stuffed with papers. “File these, then check on Ms. Wilson’s rental status,” she repeated.

Mrs. Esterbury nodded. “If it’s approved, let her know immediately.”

“Ok.”

The older lady smiled warmly at Kate. “You’re doing fine, Kate,” she said. “You’re doing fine. Now, off with you.”

“Thank you,” Kate said as she hurried away. She felt anything but fine. Busy. Hectic. More work to do than she had time. The folders fell to her table with a thump and she took a deep breath.

_More than fine, actually._

Taped to her monitor were several notes, including a hand drawn card from a child. All thanked her for helping them move to another step in their lives. Those notes, and the verbal ones she got, more than made the workload bearable.

Instead of waiting until later, Kate slid the folders to the side and seated herself. After pressing the spacebar a few times, her monitor came to life. She typed in her login credentials, hit the enter key, then waited.

A few small photos sat next to her monitor, pictures of her family. They too brought her joy during the day. Lynn looked all grown up in her graduation photo. Already in University, she was halfway through the fall semester with high marks. This job, and her other one, would help pay Lynn’s way through school.

_Mom and dad would be so proud of you…_

A nasty thought about her parents hating her family flared to life and jabbed her with sharp needles before she could squash it. She still had difficultly reconciling those two worlds that defined her. A problem that thankfully Lynn would never have. She smiled at the photo of Lynn and her girlfriend, then her attention was demanded by the computer.

It took only a few moments to access the system and learn the state of Ms. Wilson’s application for a rental grant. The status field blinked its entry over and over: **Processing**. Kate sighed. Ms. Wilson really needed that money to cover her rent.

_I’ll check again once I’m done with the filing. Maybe it’ll be done then!_

With that bright thought, she hummed softly while she exited the application. She locked her computer and moved to grab the files. The photo of Max leaped to her attention and she paused. The brightness of the room seemed to dim and her hum faltered.

_Where are you?_

Sometimes she cringed when she thought of that conversation in the mountains. She’d told Max she was her wife and even though she’d corrected herself, it still nagged her. Mostly, because in those hours of the night when her conscience would beat her awake with a dream, that’s what she’d admit to herself. She wanted to be Max’s wife. And Chloe’s. But she couldn’t be either, only Kate.

And she missed her Max so much.

With mouth set in a line, Kate grabbed the stack of folders and walked lifelessly to the filing room. There, she fed each folder of papers through a scanner. It was a tedious part of the job. In the weeks since she started, she understood that many of the people that came to the Center were in dire circumstances. Since technology was expensive, and 90% or more of the Center’s grant money went to helping the people, they made do with what they had.

She removed staples and paperclips, then fed each each sheet into the machine. Once a folder was complete, she had to visually scan the electronic results for errors. If any were found, she’d have to correct them in the image before final processing into the Center’s data storage.

It was a mindless activity that allowed her to think about other things. Like Chloe and Lynn and schooling. And Max. Never a day went by that she didn’t miss those freckles and shining blue eyes. But most of all, she missed the love Max showed to her and Chloe and Lynn. Their little family. Max was like the glue that fit all of them together. Without her, life seemed empty.

It’s not that life was loveless now or boring. She and Chloe had drawn close in the past months. Intimate even. The family had a routine, though Chloe kept things interesting and unpredictable. Lynn’s girlfriend (her second, Kate reminded herself), was pleasant and added some excitement to their lives.

Max though, she noticed things. Always saw something in the world or a person that others didn’t see. And she had a way of bringing you into that new view. She made life full in a way that didn’t overwhelm. Even those months where Max’s mind was in a haze she’d found ways to brighten their lives.

The scanning concluded, she sent the last images to be processed. Next, she gathered the files and took them to temporary storage. They’d stay there for ten days. Supposedly that was in case there was some need for the paper copies. After ten days they were moved to long term storage somewhere. In the time she’d worked here, she’d never seen the paper copies needed. Her co-workers told her it never happened.

When she exited the filing room, she once again had a smile on her face and was humming. She enjoyed working at the Center. It had rejuvenated her desire to write children’s books. A lot of children passed through here on a weekly basis. Children who needed a friend, an escape, a notion that better times were possible. Ideas had started popping into her mind the first week. Although she’d written all of them down, she had difficultly working them into a passable story. But she wasn’t about to give up.

One day she hoped to be a social worker, too. Of course, that meant going to school. The plan was for Lynn to get her degree in computer science, then help Kate go for her Masters in Social Work. She was already taking night and weekend clases. With two jobs and household responsibilities, that was a challenge. She was so thankful for Chloe’s and Lynn’s support.

Though she felt bad for Chloe. So much rested upon her income. Too many times she’d found Chloe going to work sick. The woman wouldn’t take a sick day, claiming they needed every hour, every dollar to keep them above water. It was only when both Kate and Lynn pressed her that she’d at last taken one sick day.

Kate slipped into her chair and once again waited for her computer to login to the network. Her eyes fell on the picture of she and Chloe. Chloe stood behind her with arms around Kate’s neck and chin practically perched on her head. Lynn had taken the picture. Her earlier infatuation with Max had lead to a secret interest in photography. And she was good at it. Her eye for photos wasn’t the same as Max’s, but that didn’t matter. She picked up the picture and gazed at Chloe.

_Such a beautiful smile. I hope you know just how much you mean to me. I hope you feel as loved and supported as I feel from you._

Her finger traced Chloe’s smile. It had a cute twist to it and her eyes danced with mischief. Sometimes she felt like she wasn’t giving Chloe enough. The woman worked full time at a difficult job. She knew the absence of Max pulled at her girlfriend in a way that she could never replace. And she didn’t want to.

Tonight was Chloe’s night. Kate wished life allowed her to be more spontaneous with Chloe instead of so scheduled. It felt stiff and formal to block out her calendar with “Chloe time.” She loved it when Chloe would sneak in little hugs and kisses while she was cooking or doing laundry. Her equivalent was putting little love notes in Chloe’s lunch or hiding them in her clothes when she folded laundry.

It was hard for her to get a good feel for Chloe. While she tended towards being loud and spontaneous and brash, all of that was to mask her tender heart. You always knew where you stood with her, but it took a lot for Chloe to really open up. In the darkness of night between the sheets she would.

Without Max, they’d returned to their prior sleeping arrangements, Chloe the big spoon wrapped around little Kate. Though Chloe was often exhausted and sore from work, they always spent a few minutes in bed talking before sleep. They’d share funny stories from the day, or different problems they faced, how they felt, and what they hoped to do. And sometimes, when Kate would turn over to look at her girlfriend, with fingers scrunching her hair, Chloe would tell her how much she loved Kate.

All the little things Kate did during the day or week, Chloe would mention. The notes in the lunches. The fact her favorite food was always in stock. The long hours Kate worked to put Lynn through school. The volunteer work she did on weekends. The garden she tended. She’d go through these things and more with Kate, sharing just what each meant to her. And then Kate would melt as she heard those words and they’d try to buoy her self-worth which she struggled with.

Those times made Max’s absence more real. There was something about their absent girlfriend that made those emotions, those words, have more meaning. Her absence sapped some of the import from their life and she wanted it back.

“Do you have an update on Ms. Wilson,” Mrs. Esterbury’s voice cut through her thoughts.

Kate started and almost dropped her picture. Her boss loomed over her shoulder. “S-sorry,” she stammered, “I got a little distracted.” Hurriedly, she put the photo back on the desk and began punching keys on the keyboard.

“I can see why,” Mrs. Esterbury as she picked up the picture. “Your wife is beautiful.”

Kate’s fingers froze over the keyboard. She always found it hard to explain her relationships. A part of her, that inner voice of a former life, always seethed and tore at her when the topic came up. After an awkward moment, she resumed typing. “Not wife,” she said hoarsely. “Girlfriend.”

“That doesn’t change the fact.” The picture was replaced on her desk. “And your sisters are pretty, too.”

“The uh, blonde is my sister,” she said nervously. “The other is… my other girlfriend?”

The keyboard thundered in the sudden silence. Even the clock pounded a booming staccato into the room and Kate was certainly the world would come to a crashing end. “Oh, yes, you told me about that,” Mrs. Esterbury said. “A uh… what was the word? Oh yes, a poly relationship. It doesn’t make sense to me, but if the three of you are in love and can make it work, I suppose that’s all the matters.”

“Here we are,” Kate whispered. Her body felt like she’d just ran a marathon in those few seconds of silence. “Oh! Ms. Wilson’s request was approved!” She clapped a little as she said that and turned to look up at her boss, the worry and fatigue forgotten.

“That’s great news,” Mrs. Esterbury enthused. “Send her the congratulations then I think you’re done for the day.”

With raised brows, Kate looked at the clock. Sure enough, there was enough time for her to send the message, then it was off to get ready for Chloe. A little zippy sensation twirled inside her at the thought. Tonight she wanted to do something special for Chloe and it would push her own boundaries.

The zip powered her hum to new heights as she sent the good news to Ms. Wilson. Then, she logged off her computer, turned off the monitor, and gathered all her stuff. Minutes later found her walking rapidly down the sidewalk toward the bus hut. Over and over her mind replayed her idea for tonight. It was so daring and exciting and scary and maybe fun and oh, please let Chloe like it! She skipped down the sidewalk, nerves strung out by her obsession with the idea.

The journey home took little time, even though she stopped at a few places along the way. Once home, she put the few groceries away, then her purse and coat. She washed up, then set about putting things in order.

When she got out the wine, she noticed her hands were shaking. After she set the bottle on the table, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

_Everything will be fine. You’re just nervous because this is new for you. Chloe… will love it._

Along with her thoughts and breathing, she tried to set her mind on things that brought her joy. Chloe’s smile. The news that Lynn had been salutatorian. Her acceptance into a good compsci program. The flowers she had planted in front of the house.

When she opened her eyes and looked at her hands, they no longer shook. She smoothed her clothes, then set out the wine glasses. After a brief thought, she also put out candles.

The pizza arrived a few minutes later and she popped it into the warm oven. Her phone beeped.

**Lynn: **Megan and I made it to her aunt’s house ok.

**Kate:** thank goodness. I hope you two have a lot fun.

**Lynn: **oh, we will… just like you and Chloe 👩❤️💋👩

The words brought a burning sensation to Kate’s ears and she barely managed to type out a reply before the shaking returned. Her calming exercises helped again and she finished the preparations. With one final look at the time, she disappeared into their bedroom.

* * *

Chloe let out a huge sigh of relief when she parked the car. Today was one of those days where nothing seemed to go right. And with tonight being the first night in a long time where it was just she and Kate, that made the stress even worse. All she could think about was Kate and spending time with her. No, here she was parked in front of the house and wondering what she’d find inside.

_When was the last time just Kate and I had time alone? … Oh yeah, it’s when Lynn stayed the night with her first girlfriend. This is gonna be hella fun! With Lynn gone, Kate’ll be more relaxed. Maybe we can fuck outside the bedroom._

She shut off the car, stepped out, and stretched. The autumn evening was deliciously warm. After she closed her door, she went to the other side of the car and retrieved her stuff, plus her gift for Kate. She shoved the door closed with her foot then trotted to the front step.

_Whoa, girl! You seem a little excited!_

After a moments pause, she smiled. _Fuck yeah, I am!_

Suddenly, the fatigue and soreness that normally defined the end of the day for her was gone. There was a giddiness to her that she didn’t understand, and didn’t want to. At the front door, she juggled the items to retrieve her keys and unlock the door. Thankfully, she didn’t drop anything.

The house interior was dark, but she could smell pizza. Her mouth began watering and her stomach groaned its desire for that scrumptious goodness hiding inside. She stepped into the dark house and set her goods on the nearby table. Then she turned, closed, and locked the door.

Her fingers found and flipped on the lights then she turned around. And froze as she saw one of the most beautiful sights she’d ever seen.

In the hallway entrance, hands clenched before her, and one leg balanced on her toes, stood Kate. With absolutely no clothes on and with the cutest pixie cut.

_Heyayyayyyiiiiii_

Slowly, Kate stepped toward her, movements cautious and shy. A hand brushed hair from her eyes, tucking the strands behind an ear. A tiny smile lit Kate’s face as she looked at Chloe. Her hands kept straying toward her chest and crotch like she wanted to cover them.

“Welcome home, love,” Kate breathed and the world seemed to spin around Chloe.

She tried to speak, she really did, but nothing worked. No words flowed from her brain, nothing commanded her mouth or tongue to move, she was simply a statue enraptured by Kate’s beauty.

“You seem a little… over-dressed,” Kate whispered in Chloe’s ear. Hands slipped the jacket from her arms. It fell to the floor with a thunk.

“Would you like to join me,” Kate asked. Her lips grazed Chloe’s ear, producing a jolt through the blue-haired woman.

Words still wouldn’t work, so Chloe nodded. Her head bobbed like it was on a spring. Fingers touched the skin of her belly, burning, electrifying. They slowly slid up her stomach and the fire followed. “Tonight,” Kate whispered. “You’re mine and I’m yours and we have an entire house to ourselves.”

“I uh,” Chloe said. _Why words now? _“Brought you flowers.”

Lips left a trail along her collar bone. “We’ll put them in water later,” Kate said. “Right now, my girl is sore from a hard day at work. I want to help her relax and to work out all that soreness.”

“Work out, huh? What do you have in mind?”

The hands slid up, taking her shirt with it. “A complete … um training session?”

Chloe chuckled as she raised her hands to let the shirt be removed. “I’m gonna make my Kitty purr,” She said before her arms slipped around Kate and their lips found each other.

“Grrr,” Kate said in between kisses.

Chloe laughed. “Purr, Kitty, not growl.”

“Good enough,” Kate said as her fingers fumbled with Chloe’s pants. “I missed you all day. Tonight, I am yours and you are mine and I… want to love you the way you deserve.” The pants finally fell to the floor and Chloe stepped out of them. Before Kate could do anything, Chloe lifted her into the air. The woman shrieked with surprise as Chloe bounded around the couch and laid her out on its cushions.

“Fucking gorgeous,” Chloe said as she hurriedly sliped her bra and boy shorts to the floor. Kate’s eyes shone with the compliment and Chloe paused. Her girlfriend still struggled with feelings of inadequacy and guilt and wrong. In her excitement, she’d almost forgotten that. She lowered herself to her knees and caressed her.

“Kitty,” she whispered. “This was an awesome surprise. Thank you.” A smile lit the other woman’s face before Chloe lowered herself for a kiss.

* * *

The dark of night hid everything from view. The dresser by the bed, covered with clothes thrown with abandon and other items, seemed to move closer the longer she stared. Chloe’s hand rested on her hip, moved from the way she normally embraced Kate.

Something called to her and she didn’t know what. Kate slipped from under Chloe’s hand, careful not to wake her. The air was cool and she shivered when she left her lover’s warmth. Her arms immediately folded to cover her bare torso in an attempt to get warm. A rumpled shirt lay at the foot of the bed. She picked it up.

_Mmmm, smells like Chloe._

When she moved to put it on, she stopped. It didn’t seem right. Gently, she returned it to the bed and moved toward her dresser by the door. In one of the bottom drawers she found what she needed. One of Max’s pajama tops. She scrunched it to her nose and took in a deep breath. A shudder shook her as the scent built a picture of soft care, caresses, verbal support, and a bonding she longed for.

The shirt slipped over her head and wrapped her in Max goodness. It wasn’t the same as when her girlfriend held her, but right now it’s all she could have. They hadn’t seen Max in months.

The bedroom door opened silently and, after closing it behind her, she walked into the living room. The remains of her and Chloe’s activities were everywhere. Her heart pulled her in a direction, but she couldn’t tell where. At this time of year, the night was too cold for just a t-shirt. She grabbed a blanket from the pile in the corner and went to the back patio. There she sat like so many months ago when last Max had stirred in the nightmares of her life and come outside.

With the blanket wrapped around her, and chin on her knees, Kate listened to the night and her heart. She knew why she woke up. Whenever Max was troubled it somehow affected her. In minutes, Chloe would join her. It was the way and she didn’t understand it.

That’s not what she wanted to think about though. Why was her heart troubled? And why did it only happen this way when Max needed help? She didn’t feel this way when Chloe needed help. Or did she?

With a sigh, Kate closed her eyes and focused on what she felt.

Lost.

Despair.

Sadness.

Separation.

Guilt.

Hate.

The feelings surrounded her heart and pummeled it. They bound and constricted her heart and mind and forced a gasp from her. It was too much, there was simply too much to continue on!

The feather touch of a caress kissed her cheek. “Hey,” Chloe whispered. Kate forced her eyes open to a world of dark and light smears. She rubbed at her face, dashing the unbidden tears away.

“Chloe,” she choked.

“Yeah,” came Chloe’s voice as arms slipped around her. Before she knew it, Chloe had pulled her from the chair into her arms. She walked to the longer seat and lowered herself with Kate cradled on her lap. “I feel it too.”

“Why?”

“Hell if I know.”

“What do you think it means?”

She felt Chloe shrug. “Max… needs help.”

“Yeah.”

_But how? How do we help her? She’s not here to hold and talk to._

“I miss her. So much.”

“So do I.”

Chloe’s sleep shirt was soft and smooth under her. It slid nicely against her fingers as she moved her hand over her girlfriend.

“When she left at thirteen, she took part of me. Left a big fucking hole in my heart. Then she comes back and everything’s the way it should be. We’ve always connected in a way, like we complete each other.”

Kate tightened her hold on Chloe. “That’s how it is for me, too. I love you dearly, Chloe. You’ve helped me become more comfortable with myself and shown me a kindness that I needed. There’s something about Max, though. When she’s with me, just her presence, I feel… whole. She balances us and makes us better than when we are alone.”

Chloe nodded. “I think it’s the same for her,” she whispered into the void of night. “Without… us, she’s not who she’s meant to be.”

They pondered those words as the night deepened around them. The words were little comfort, serving more to put an edge to the absence they felt. “Ready to go in,” Chloe whispered.

“No… but yes.”

Before Kate could move, Chloe stood, supporting her with ease. With a smile, Chloe took them into the house and back to their bed. Once it had seemed small and cozy, a welcome respite from the world and its harshness. Now, without their beloved Max, it seemed broad and spacious, a place to be lost in. They held each other close as they drifted slowly asleep on the expanse.

The morning dawned to find them in their accustomed places, Kate tucked backwards into Chloe. Arms and legs jumbled together under the soft sheets and warm blanket. Kate opened her eyes and looked at the closet door. Her girlfriend’s arms were around her keeping the world at bay. It didn’t keep away the sense of loss and helplessness that weighed her heart.

She lay in that cozy nest as long as she could. To leave it would invite the cares of the world to fall upon her and she wanted to avoid that as long as she could. Her heart continued to pull at her, to throb with those same emotions from last night. Chloe’s hands tightened on her, pulling them close together.

“It’ll be fine, Kitty,” Chloe whispered.

“How can you know?”

“Because it’s Max. She may get a little lost, but she’ll find her way to us again.”

“I wish I was that confident.” Kate laid her hands atop Chloe’s as if she could draw that confidence through the connection. She rolled over, still wrapped in Max’s shirt, and laid her fingers on Chloe’s cheek. “This doesn’t feel the same as when she was here. The feelings are more… intense.”

For a moment, Kate saw freckles sprinkled around the dazzling blue eyes that gazed at her. Her breath caught in her throat as a sob tried to escape. Arms pulled her close and she tucked her head under Chloe’s chin.

“I… gotta believe that,” Chloe said as she rubbed Kate’s back. “For you… for me. She’s done it before. I don’t see her losing her way now. She’s a tough woman, just like you are, Kitty.”

“I don’t feel very tough.”

Chloe chuckled. “Girl, you are one of the toughest people I’ve ever known. You put up with so much … crap through your life: a family and community that taught you to hate yourself, losing your family, your home, almost everything. And look where you’re at now!”

“In the arms of a woman I love,” Kate whispered, her fingers curling into Chloe’s hair.

“And not only that, chasing your dreams! Helping your sister through school. You work two jobs, volunteer with three different programs, and you still find time for yourself, for me, and to help keep our family together. I don’t know where you find it. I’m exhausted just thinking about what you do. And that’s where you and Max are alike. She’ll find us. She has that same focus, drive, and care.”

Kate snuggled into Chloe’s warmth and thought about those words. “I hope you feel the same about yourself,” she whispered.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re just as tough and caring. I was a broken, self-righteous person filled with self-hate and other things. You took us in and helped us. You spoke truth to me and Lynn and became the sister for her she needed. You stuck with our makeshift family despite so many set backs and sacrificed building a better future for yourself to help Lynn and I.”

Kate untucked her head to look at Chloe. She lightly brushed hair from her girlfriend’s face to better see her, then let her fingers twirl the strands. “I’ve seen your art, Chloe. You have a real gift. You succeed at whatever you set your mind and heart on. I sometimes wonder where you’d be in life if Lynn and I hadn’t held you back.”

“You didn’t hold me back. You helped give my life meaning. Without you, when Max left again… well, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be here. You and Lynn helped me care about myself.”

“So we’re good for each other,” Kate said with a smile. When Chloe responded with her own smile, she kissed it. The closeness filled them both with a warmth that didn’t come from blankets and a cozy bed. Long after the kiss ended, they lay in the embrace. For the moment they were filled with the sense that all was right with themselves and the world.

“Sorry,” Chloe whispered with a kiss on Kate’s nose. “I gotta pee.”

“And I’m a bit hungry,” Kate responded.

“Oh, no you don’t!” Chloe halted halfway out of bed, her eyes narrowed at the other woman. “Breakfast is on me!”

Kate let her eyes wander over Chloe, a smile playing about her lips. “On you,” she teased. “I may keep you to that.”

With a laugh, Chloe left the bed and went to the restroom. Kate lay alone in bed a moment. The warmth was quickly fading. She stretched, slipped to the floor and changed into clothes for the day. Max’s shirt was folded carefully and placed back in the drawer. After making the bed, she left the bedroom.

Some time later, freshly showered, Chloe wandered into the kitchen. She found Kate, mug of coffee in hand, staring out the kitchen window. After a hug and kiss on the back of Kate’s head, she set about making breakfast.

“One of these days,” Kate said as she pushed her plate back, “I will figure out how you make such wonderful waffles.”

With a laugh, Chloe said, “No secret, I just use the recipe on the box.”

“No you don’t,” Kate said with a fake pout. “I’ve tried that and mine never come out like yours.”

Chloe merely grinned at her as she ate the last bite on her plate. Kate made a noise, gathered up their plates, stood, and took them to the sink. Together, they cleaned up the kitchen, including the remains of last night’s escapade. It took longer than normal because Chloe kept distracting them. Hands slipped into distracting places, suggestive looks and actions, surprise kisses, and that time where she just made Kate eat the piece of cake protruding from her mouth.

The result was a clean kitchen and flushed faces. And a bit of chocolate and sugary stuff where it didn’t really belong. Which only gave Chloe reason to pull Kate to her once the cleaning was done. “Looks like I missed a spot,” she breathed into Kate’s ear as fingers slipped under shirts. A tongue flicked lightly against Kate’s cheek, lapping up some frosting.

“You’re not the only one,” Kate whispered as she returned the favor.

A knock on the door interrupted the moment. Chloe flashed a look at the door. “Fuck,” she whispered. “Maybe they’ll go away.” And it seemed she was right for seconds ticked onward in silence. Chloe’s lips returned to Kate’s neck, finding a bit of chocolate that had escaped the cake.

_Knock! Knock! Knock!_

With a rude sound, Chloe dropped her hands from Kate. “Hey,” Kate said, a hand lightly resting against Chloe’s shoulder. “Take care of it, then come back to me.” She gave Chloe a smile that made her girlfriend growl and passionately kiss her.

With a breathless Kate behind her, Chloe stomped to the door. She straightened her clothes and flicked hair behind her ear. “This better not be one of those fucking religions,” she muttered as she swung the door open quickly.

On the small porch, fingers rolling the hem of a hoodie, and freckled face downturned and looking to the side was a person that took all the air from the room. With a gulp, Chloe looked at the brown hair in disarray and the way the woman wouldn’t look at her. Eyes flicked toward her then away.

Kate crowded next to her, a cry of delight on her lips. “Max! You’re back!”

Max glanced at them, then away, her fingers busy. Kate swept by Chloe and wrapped her in a big hug. “We… I missed you,” she whispered. Max stood stiffly a moment before her arms rose to return the hug.

“What’s the matter,” Kate asked when she pushed away from the quiet woman.

With a glance at Chloe, Max said, “Just… a lot of hard things. Can I… enter?”

“Oh goodness me,” Kate exclaimed as she ushered Max through the door. “I was so happy to see you that I forgot myself. Have you eaten? Are you hungry or thirsty?”

“Something to drink would be good,” Max said as she slowly walked toward the couch. The door clicked shut and Chloe stepped to her side.

“Been a few months,” Chloe said as she sat on a chair, one foot on the seat with her.

“It’s been… hell,” Max said. Her gaze went through the punk instead of focusing on her.

Kate hurried from the kitchen with a steaming mug. “Coffee, just the way you like it!”

Max accepted the mug and kind of stared at it. Slowly, she raised it to her mouth and took a careful sip. “It’s… good,” she said then set it on the table in front of the couch. Kate sank onto the couch next to Max. Her arms had a longing to reach for her girlfriend, to fold her into a loving hug and show her how much she missed her. There was a feel to the air that prevented her doing that, though.

Looks were exchanged between Kate and Chloe while Max focused her gaze on the steam that rose from the mug. “It’s good to be back,” Max murmured.

The front door opened and Lynn burst into the house suddenly! “Don-“ Her words were cut off as a ray of light vaporized her head.

Kate screamed as her sister’s body slowly toppled to the floor. “Shit,” Chloe yelled and started to rise.

“Don’t even think about it,” Max said from her new position in the corner by the TV. A gun-like device was held in one hand, pointed at them. Chloe froze, Kate’s scream still shattering the air. Max smiled evilly and glowed. A moment later, she was a purplish being about the size and height as Chloe.

“Come with me,” the being hissed, “and you might see Max again.”


	40. Not What You Wanted

The door opens and I find myself looking at blue eyes in a freckled face. For a few seconds I blink and stare. My mind refuses to acknowledge what I see. She smiles, a cruel thing that wrenches my heart horribly. “Welcome home, Max,” she says with mocking sweetness.

“Where are-”

“Oh, don’t worry,” she says as she steps aside. “They’re… _safe_ for the moment.”

The way she says that causes my heart to plummet. I look at the opening between her and the door. It’s a gaping maw that no longer holds a promise of love and care. She waves me in and I take a slow step inside, keeping my eyes on her the entire time.

The house looks like the home I left, only it doesn’t feel that way. The door clicks shut as I walk to the far side of the chairs that line the entry. A splash of color on the floor by the TV catches my eye.

I step closer and freeze.

“She’s so much nicer like that,” other Max says by my side. “She’s too nosy otherwise.”

Stretched upon the floor, body still and head… no! I fall to my knees by Lynn’s side and stretch out a hand to touch her. When my fingers are about to touch her shoulder, I stop. Too many thoughts and feelings churn inside me.

I want to bring Lynn back. I want to lash out at the stranger next to me. I want to cry. I want to find Kate and Chloe.

“Bring her back and I’ll just kill her again. Over and over.”

The anger wins and I turn to look up at her, its cold grip on my mind and heart. “Where are Kate and Chloe?”

She smirks. “Some place _safe_… for now.” Her voice turns into background noise as I stand and focus my thoughts on way out of this.

_I could just rewind and fix this. Return and stop her. I can fix whatever that breaks._

A sharp pain lances through my face, whipping my head to the side and interrupting my thoughts. “If you’re thinking of rewinding,” she says sharply. “I can do everything you can.” I touch my cheek where she slapped me. With a confident smile, she leans against the wall between the living room and kitchen.

“And,” she hisses, “remember the last time you used your power in our presence? Your world was destroyed. What do you think will happen here?”

Her words awaken images of a shattered earth spinning through space. I can’t do that here or ever again. She has lied and deceived and coerced me so many times in the last few years that I trust nothing she tells me. Yet I know that one statement is fact.

_Except, it only happened when we touched…_

Faster than thought, I slip into the space between realities.

“Like I said, I can do everything you can.” Her gloat echoes in the ethereal chaos of this non-reality. The shards of time echo and amplify her voice until it engulfs me. I turn to find her not far away wearing an evil grin.

_I wish she’d stop looking like me!_

“What is it you want,” I demand.

With a laugh, she says, “Give me what you took from that chamber.”

_Took from the chamber? What chamber? What di-_

Those questions fade away as another memory thrusts its way into the forefront. A shimmering column of light stands before me. Its promise of release and beauty are irresistible. Her words in my mind push me closer until I raise my hand to touch it. In a blink, it sucks me inside! Over and over it destroys me and recreates me, countless times each second! I open my mouth to scream but it takes that too.

The memory fades but the terror doesn’t. In this place that is not I stand without breath that will never come. Dots swim in my vision and I sway towards an abyss that clamors for me. But its embrace is as unwelcome as She is. 

_Kate, Chloe._

With great effort, I step away from the precipice and focus on my breathing.

“What…,” I struggle to order my thoughts as my breathing settles into a regular pattern. “If I give that to you, you’ll return Kate and Chloe to their lives unharmed?”

“Yes,” she says with such assurance that I can’t trust her. As if I ever thought I could.

“Take me to them,” I demand. “Let me see them and touch them so I know they’re safe.”

“You think that means anything,” she mocks. “You’re just a fucking child. Fine. I’ll take you to them. And then you’ll give me what I want.” Her eyes glow and shimmer as she says that.

Before I can respond, she has my hand in hers and we shift.

_How…_

Where we are, I don’t care. My entire attention is consumed by what I see. Chloe sits with legs straight out. On her lap she cradles Kate to her. A hand weaves through blonde hair pressed against Chloe’s shoulder. Chloe’s other arm is wrapped around her. She whispers words that only Kate can hear.

Kate stares into the distance in a way that is all too familiar. It’s same look I wore after the storm wiped out Arcadia Bay. The look wrenches my heart through the anger that burns inside and I drop to my knees next to them.

For a moment, Chloe’s face is twisted into a hatred that hits me like a fist. I reel from it and almost fall over. The hatred morphs into wide eyes as her eyes shift to my left. I know She stands there, though I can only sense Her. Chloe moves to stand and I quickly put my hand on hers.

“Please don’t,” I whisper, my eyes flicking between her and Kate.

_I caused this._

Neither Chloe’s movement nor my voice stirs Kate. Her vacant eyes peer into the distance at nothing. What they seek isn’t there.

_Once I give Her that power I can bring back Lynn. If She actually keeps that promise._

In my gut, a cold, hard thing forms. It rips up my insides and I grimace. A shudder rushes up my back as I touch Kate’s hand. She keeps staring, without change, not even the flicker of an eye to mark my touch. Kate and Chloe and all around me descend into blurred smears as I fold my hand around hers.

_My Kate, what have I done to you? I’m so sorry. I’m… I’m gonna make this right. I don’t know how but I will._

Everything could be a lie: Lynn, this prison with Kate and Chloe, her assurance. I wouldn’t put it past Her to construct such a heinous thing. I know it’s not though. Through our touch, I feel Kate. The warmth she always conveys seeps into me to touch my heart. I breathe her: sunshine and honey and love. Even Chloe I smell: weed and grease and cigarettes mixed with something. It’s the connection I only have with these two.

Before I can form another thought, I’m jerked into the air! I dangle for a moment, feet kicking for purchase, before She lets go and I land unsteadily on my feet. Again, I see Chloe start to rise but I shake my head at her.

“It’s them,” She imperiously declares. “Now give me that energy well.”

“And if I refuse?”

“You think you know pain? Your girlfriends will suffer slowly, endlessly. Their cries will destroy you and each moment of misery will be because of you. I’ll make sure they know you’re the reason for their agony, that you could end it at any time but your selfishness keeps them that way.”

As she speaks, she steps into my space until our noses almost touch. Once again she’s in my form wearing a grin like an evil wound. “I’ll take them where you’ll never find them, but I’ll make sure their cries haunt your every moment.”

I could let her do it. Let her take them and once she’s gone, rewind and fix things. It would become an endless cycle of hunt, capture, and release.

I look beyond Her evil gaze to the two women seated behind Her.

_No matter what I do, they’ll still be broken. I broke them. Just like I broke everything else._

_If I give Her what she wants…_

Chloe strokes Kate’s hair, her lips whispering words of comfort. But Chloe’s eyes stay on me. A new thought springs into being as I watch my girlfriends. It captures my attention, quickly displacing the anger and grief I held. A plan unfolds before me filling me with conviction.

I focus on her mocking face and give Her a wide grin. “Come and take it,” I hiss as I activate a shield around my girlfriends.

The briefest look of surprise flits across Her face before She switches her stance. “I’ve wanted to do this from the moment you trapped me,” She snarls.

The unreality in which we stand thrums and seems to fold and distend. It takes a second or two for me to realize she’s trying to rewind. I’ve never experienced it from the other side. Her use is clumsy and seems more brute force than skill. With barely a thought, I disrupt the processes she’s tapped into. The next moment, she slams her fist into my face sending me hurtling through the fractals!

I tumble and turn, scattering realities in all directions as pain blooms across my head. Before I can right myself or form a thought, she rams my body and air explodes from my mouth! Blow after blow she rains on me as I struggle to shield my face and body.

Colors burst in my vision, great blobs of white and red and yellow. I’m knocked hither and thither in this place without rules. She’s relentless in her assault. I twist and turn to escape but it seems she’s everywhere. She growls insults at me but I’m too busy protecting myself to pay them attention.

A memory sparks an idea and an instant later I unleash a burst that propells Her and all nearby fractals away from me at blinding speed. It gives me the breather that I need. Liquid trickles down my face and one side of my face aches while the other is numb.

_Shit. My whole body aches. Maybe a fight wasn’t the best idea._

She glares at me from a distance and I brace myself for another attack. Instead of coming at me, a gun-like device appears in her hand and she shoots it at Kate and Chloe. I scream and throw myself after the light ray but it’s too fast and I don’t know what I would do even if I beat it. The ray hits the shield around them and disperses in arcing bolts across the sphere.

I keep speeding toward Kate and Chloe until I slip through the shield. Once inside, I collapse. It hurts to lay here. Pain shoots through me when I breathe. All I want to do is stay here and maybe sleep. Though the conviction continues to run strong in me, doubt over the fight’s conclusion is eroding its edges.

_I can’t give up… I can’t let her take this. She’s hurt me enough over the years, I’m not going to let her hurt my family anymore._

More colors explode in my vision and I almost scream as I’m pulled upright. For a moment, my vision darkens and when it clears, I fear she’s standing over me. Except, it’s Chloe. She’s dragged me to a seated position and holding me by the shoulders.

“Fuck,” she whispers. “She’s beating the shit out of you.”

“Thanks for the pep talk,” I mumble through numb lips. “I-”

“Max.” Kate’s whisper stops my next words. Through the haze that obscures my sight, I see her next to Chloe. Her haunted look remains but it’s now mixed with worry. “Please don’t… let her win. She… took Lynn and…”

Her words, the grief and loss in her voice, does things to me. With my body screaming at me, I struggle forward, sharp sounds bursting from me. I don’t let the jolts of pain stop me from touching her, from slipping my fingers along her cheek until my palm rests against it. For a moment or an eternity there is only Kate and her eyes. They draw me in and wrap me in the warmth and love she always willingly gives me.

“I won’t,” I whisper. The words bring a slight smile to Kate and suddenly I barely feel my injuries.

Outside our little bubble, She glares at us and continues to fire her weapon. The energy bolts splash uselessly over the shield. “You can’t stay in there forever,” She taunts. “One of you will need food or drink. I know you won’t let them die!”

“She’ll never stop,” I whisper. “I can’t run away from this.” _Like I’ve run away from everything else. And everyone._

“You got this,” Chloe says, more positive than earlier.

“No… I don’t,” I say with a shake of my head. “She’s a trained fighter and I’m barely even a photographer. I don’t know what to do in a fight and I’ve got the bruises to prove it.”

I struggle to my knees. I need to go out there and end this. If I whisk us away, she’ll follow us. The VoidHounds aren’t around this time to take care of Her for me.

“Then you need to fight on your own terms,” Chloe says. She moves to be in my sight line. She holds my hands and looks so worried. “I know you’re not a fighter, Max. You hate this, the violence and being forced into a fight. You’re creative with amazing abilities. Use those.”

I smile at Chloe while ignoring the baleful gaze She casts at us. She slams her fist into the shield and it sends her spinning away.

“I may not win,” I admit. “And if I do, I may not survive.”

“Please don’t talk like that,” Kate begs, her hands on mine too.

With a weak smile I say, “I’m sorry, Kate. I just… I’ve been running from the messes I’ve made for too long. She’s part of it, even if I didn’t bring her here. I’m tired of running, but I don’t know how this will turn out.”

I bring both to me for a hug and it seems at this moment that it’s a farewell embrace. They appear to sense it too because Kate shudders as her hands grip my shirt tight. Even Chloe holds me tighter than usual.

“No matter what happens,” I whisper as I break away from them, “I love you more than anything.”

Then I slip from the protective bubble toward the fate that awaits me. From across a sea of churning realities She grins triumphantly. “You’ll give me what I want,” she threatens. “Even if I have to pick it from your body. Then I’ll show your girlfriends what it means to be my enemy.”

Painfully, I hold my arms in front of me. Everything aches and burns and I just want this to end. I want to wake up tucked between Kate and Chloe and this all to be a bad dream. I can only think of one thing to say as I meet her glare, “Eat shit and die!”

* * *

Kate pressed herself against the barrier as the two Maxes faced each other. Her heart hurt for her sister and her lover. Arms slipped around her as Chloe pressed against her back. “Max will be ok,” Chloe said.

But Kate could hear the uncertainty and fear in her voice. It joined the sorrow that wrapped her heart and weighed it down even more. She folded her hands over Chloe’s and tried to ignore the sense of finality that consumed her.

The evil Max launched a series of attacks that had their lover tumbling and spinning away. It looked like her defenses were useless against the trained warrior. Kate sobbed as she watched the woman she loved be cruelly beat and bloodied.

“Come on, Max,” Chloe muttered. “Don’t fight on her terms! Do something different.”

Max did try different tactics: walking through the stillness to reappear elsewhere, constructing shields to block a hit, and others. No matter what she did, the other one countered and quickly recovered.

Kate tried to will strength and healing to her battered girlfriend, who was spun in all directions by the offensive. A couple of times, Max managed to land a blow which seemed to surprise the other Max more than it hurt her.

The seconds stretched into eternity as they watched their friend, their lover be tormented and destroyed by the other. Blow after blow knocked their Max about. In the strange silence of the odd arena, they couldn’t hear her cries, though their hearts did with each blow.

After one devasting strike, Chloe couldn’t take it any more. She left Kate and began pounding their enclosure with her fists. “Let me out,” she growled as she punched and kicked. She cursed and shouted at the shield and all that made it, but the shield didn’t care.

With trembling fingers, Kate tried to reassure Chloe. “Max will figure it out,” she said, fear lacing her voice. “She’s…” But she couldn’t believe in those words.

Kate let her hand drop and she tried to push the horrible thoughts from her mind. They tore at her hope and sank deep claws into her heart. Once again, she found herself staring at her friend, her lover, the woman she thought of as her wife, as she was mauled by a heartless copy of her.

_You will never be Max! Can never be!_

Defeated by the shield, Chloe returned to Kate’s side. She bristled with anger toward the mockery that took Lynn and now seemed certain to take her Max. The anger was mixed with fear for her lover who crumbled before the assault.

It brought to mind so many times in school when she’d stand up to bullies for Max. How she wanted to be out there, taking Max’s place. Though she knew she wouldn’t fare better, she couldn’t bear to see Max suffer like that.

Once again, the two traded blows. They only way they could tell which Max was theirs was by her constant losing. “Come on Max,” Chloe breathed. “Don’t do this. Don’t fight!”

A combination attack left Max floating amidst the strange whirling bits of light. Her arms and body trailed limply at her sides. The assault spun the other Max away.

“No!” Kate whirled and buried her face in Chloe’s shoulder.

Chloe couldn’t tear her gaze from the scene. Her fingers slipped into Kate’s hair and as from a great distance she heard herself speak words of comfort. They lacked substance and meaning though.

She held Kate tightly as the evil Max laughed triumphantly. The gun reappeared in her hand and a beam shot forth. It streaked across the space, dissolving everything in its path.

“No,” Chloe whispered as she watched helplessly. The beam hit Max and there was a burst of bright light. For Kate and Chloe, everything became painfully white even though they shielded their eyes. The flash disappeared and Chloe looked in Max’s direction, blinking the tears from her eyes. She feared to look, but feared not to look.

* * *

_I never knew I could be in such pain._

Not even that device Doctor Smith turned on me in the mountains of Oregon compare to this. She has pummeled and beat me until my body hurts as much as my heart, and she doesn’t stop. No matter what I do she counters. Blow by blow she beats the confidence from me, leaving only the cold anger that she hurt my family. The anger seems hypocritical, because I hurt my family even more, but that is swept away by the nearness of Her.

If not for the fact Her use of our shared abilities is weak and stunted I’d surely be dead by now. Again and again I rewind or slip through the stillness to avoid her and amazingly she adapts! Her prowess scares me. What will she do if she gains full use of her abilities? If the futures I’ve glimpsed in vision and other realities is any clue: ruin on an unprecedented scale.

So I continue, dodging or shielding her blows as much as I can. The little shields I create soften them, though she’s able to avoid many of them. I tried creating one to contain her, but it failed and I don’t have the time to figure out why.

Within me, the power I absorbed at Blackwell churns. It pushes at me from within, like it’s responding to our battle. When I reach for it, it slips from my grasp. I don’t stop trying though.

Until that final blow that dazes me. I drift among the fractals, languid and my body aching in places I never knew could. The blow sends her tumbling away from me, a result of her bursting the shield I formed at the last moment. She rights herself with a grin and that gun appears in her hand.

Though I summon my strength to evade, nothing happens. My body floats free, arms useless and brain barely registering her actions.

_This is it then…_

Once I’m gone, who will oppose her? Who could? Kate and Chloe will be her first targets. The gun fires and a ray of light streaks across the distance toward me!

“Your girlfriends will suffer slowly, endlessly.” Her words mock me as I struggle to do something, anything!

For a moment I smell sunshine and honey mixed with cigarettes and weed and grease. The deadly ray approaches. Arms enfold me in a way I don’t deserve and will never feel again.

_No! I won’t let them go!_

That split second of time before death finds me is the longest period of my life. I close my eyes to shut out Her look of triumph and I realize so many things I did were in vain.

I’m still running. Even when my heart pulled me back to where it started, I couldn’t accept it. I couldn’t accept myself. That’s why I turned away from it, again, to help others.

_I didn’t ask for this._

No one asks for something like this. It’s forced upon them. Over and over I tried to push it away, to deny who and what I am. Even when I was scattered across the time streams to live other lives I blamed the event for doing that to me. I did it to myself. Because I couldn’t accept who I am.

_And who am I?_

My name is Max Caulfield

I am 23 years old

I love Kate and Chloe more than life itself

I am the destroyer of dreams and bringer of hope

I am…

  


A blinding white light flashes around me, visible even with my eyes tightly shut. The light fills me, flooding the most hidden parts of me. Before my minds’ eye, I see my deepest secrets, but not mine alone. Others spring into being, knowledge and memories from people and beings I don’t know or recognize flood my mind. They overwhelm me and I fear I’ll be lost, consumed by them. Except as they surround me, they raise me to heights that keep me separate.

It’s over in an instant and Her curse makes me open her eyes. She fumes and readies her weapon again. “Fuck you and your tricks,” she spits as she fires again. The ray speeds toward me! Yet, it seems to move at a crawl as I study it. With my new knowledge, I peer into the light, into what it is and was. I pull a thread that holds it together. Without a sound the beam fades into nonexistence.

“How did you do that,” She screams and fires the gun over and over! None of the beams reach me. When she fires upon my girlfriends, those too are unmade. With another scream, she throws the gun at me! I let it come to me, catching it smoothly in my hand. It’s a strange construction and is too big for my hand. For a moment, I gaze at it, knowing it to its origins. Once done, I shrug and undo the gun.

She glowers at me, body tense and hands relaxed at her sides. “I’d appreciate it if you stopped looking like me,” I call out. My sight looks into her, beyond her outer self and into who and what she is. With a thought, I remove her shapeshifting ability. To my physical eyes, she returns to her taller, luminous self with a hateful shriek.

The shriek transforms into a howl and speech that sounds like boulders crashing together before she runs toward me. I recognize the approach, it’s a form she’s used on me many times to devastating effect. Once again, I look into who she is. This time I strip away the abilities she inherited, or stole, from me.

Unexpectedly, that causes Her to stumble. She falls and tumbles in a jumble of flailing limbs. Confusion twists Her face as she rolls onward. I step through the stillness out of her path. When I exit, I call forth a shield bubble around her.

She sits, legs splayed and held up more by her hands than anything. While she recovers, I turn my knowing sight on her. The line that springs into existence travels away from her, through the vortex and beyond to a star system lightyears away. I’ve seen it before. With my new found abilities, I know that system, its past, present, and future.

I turn and look at her with a smile. She snarls. “It’s time for you to go home,” I say.

“That won’t stop me,” she spits. “I’ll return with an army that will destroy you! You don’t know who we are and what we’re capable of! We always get what we want!”

“You lived in me for years and you still don’t know me,” I retort. “Your army is destroyed and your time has come and gone.” I step to the bubble and glare at her. Her eyes shoot daggers at me. “I don’t fear you.”

She opens her mouth to speak, but before she can I send her away. My thought sends her speeding along the path, faster than light itself, to her home. There, she’ll learn to adapt to change. Or not.

I gaze at the now empty spot and let the bubble disperse. Distantly, I’m aware of aches throughout my body. Half my face and body are numb and I’m sure bleeding from dog knows where. For now, I can only stare.

_It’s over._

_Well, this is over._

Another thought flares into life, spurred by what I now know.

_It’s not really over, not until…_

I shake my head. There are more immediate things that need my attention. Behind me, Kate and Chloe are safe in the bubble I made. They watched the shit get beat out of me. Lynn is dead. They need help, healing.

Slowly, I turn to face them. I slip through the fractals until I’m at the shield. They watch my approach with wide eyes. Kate clings to Chloe, her eyes flicking back and forth. Then the shield is down and I step to their sides.

“It’s done,” I whisper. “She’s gone. Now-”

“Fuck Max,” Chloe exclaims as Kate wraps her arms around me. I step backward, off balanced by Kate’s hug attack. “I thought…”

“Don’t say it,” I choke. Kate holds me so tight I can barely breathe.

“You can save Lynn,” Kate tearfully asks when she finally loosens her grip.

“I can save Lynn,” I whisper and gently wipe a tear from her cheek. I take Chloe’s hand and wrap an arm around Kate. My body screams at the contact, pain flaring from their touch. I keep thoughts of myself far from mind as I draw my girlfriends close.

_I never got Her name. That doesn’t matter though._

I’m not going to tell Kate or Chloe about how I feel. What I see in Kate’s eyes is all that matters to me. Chloe hides her concern poorly as she steps close. A moment later we stand in our… their living room. Kate screams again and I know what she sees over my shoulder.

“Shh,” I say and slip my hand from Chloe’s to hold Kate. “It’ll be ok, I promise. I’ll bring her back.”

Her loss and grief overwhelm me. I hold her tight, clutching her shirt as she shakes.

_She’ll always carry that loss with her._

I try to shake such thoughts from my mind but Kate’s grief reinforces them. I lean back and brush her bangs aside. That’s when I notice how short her hair is, how cute it is, but now’s not the time to think of those things.

It doesn’t matter that I can heal Lynn, that I can reunite the sisters. The damage was done and I can’t undo that. She shakes in my arms, her tears drenching my shirt and she buries her face against my shoulder. “Please,” she sobs. “Bring her back.”

Gently, and with Chloe’s help, I remove her hands from my shirt. Immediately, she clings to Chloe which gives me room to turn and face Lynn’s lifeless body.

_I suppose I didn’t need to do that._

After I wipe my face and take a deep breath, I kneel and take Lynn’s hand. When she draws her first breath a shiver runs through me. Her eyes open and look around rapidly. “You’re ok,” I whisper and squeeze her hand. She looks at me, understanding filling her eyes.

“I…,” she gasps. I shake my head. “Not now.”

Then Kate is at my side clinging to her sister. I stand and step away to give them space.

_Kate deserves more than that. She deserves all of them._

_They both deserve that._

An arm slips around my waist and Chloe pulls to her side. We watch the reunion in silence. Kate and Lynn both cry and cling to each other. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to be in Lynn’s place. It doesn’t matter though, because this is what needed to happen.

Then darkness descends.


End file.
